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Think you have a strong funny bone? Put it to the test with our list of dirty jokes, from snappy one-liners and knock-knock jokes to longer laughs. The best dirty jokes aren’t always the crudest; sometimes they’re slightly naughty, land the punch without extreme language, and sometimes read like dirty dad jokes.
You know the vibe if you’ve ever caught hidden adult jokes in cartoons. They’re clever, suggestive, and slightly inappropriate. Relationships, families, and work are all fair game in this list.
As you read, up-vote what cracks you up and down-vote if you find it not funny. Some will make you blush; others lean absurd, even twisted humor, with dirty, silly hidden meanings you might not understand at first.
Ready to put your sense of humor on trial? Grab a few keepers to tell at a party, over text, or if you dare, in the office. Let’s decide how far is too far.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
Three men are stranded on a deserted island when they come across a tribe of cannibals.
The leader of the tribe walks up to them and says, “If each of you collects 10 fruit and brings them back, we won't eat you”.
The three men run off into the forest and the first man comes back with 10 apples. The leader says, “Now stuff them all up yourself without stopping or laughing, otherwise we’ll eat you”.
The man tries, but he can't manage all 10, so the tribe eats him. Soon after, the second man comes back with 10 berries and is told the same thing.
He gets to 9 berries, then bursts out laughing. The tribe eats him. In Heaven, he meets the first man, who exclaims, “Why did you laugh? Just one more berry and you would have been safe!”
The second man says, “Well, I was almost there, then I saw the last guy coming back with pineapples!”
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#2
How did the woman terrify her gynecologist?
She learned ventriloquism.
#3
A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but plastic wrap.
The psychiatrist takes one look at him and says, “I can see you’re nuts”.
#4
A man walks into a bar holding a tiny piano with a tiny man playing it.
The bartender says, “Where did you find that?”
“There’s a magic lamp just outside with a genie that grants wishes,” the man replies.
The bartender runs outside, grabs the lamp, rubs it, and says, “I wish for a million bucks!”
All of a sudden, ducks begin falling from the sky.
Confused, the bartender shouts, “I said bucks, not ducks!”
The man shrugs. “Did you think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?”
#6
A couple arrived at the sexual health clinic.
There was a sign on the door that said: “For family planning and contraceptives, please use the rear entrance”.
#7
Bob rings the doorbell at his friend Mark’s house. Mark’s wife, Michelle, opens the door, wearing nothing but a bathrobe.
Bob says, “If I give you $500, will you drop your bathrobe?”
Shocked, Michelle refuses.
“What about $1,000?”
Michelle thinks for a moment, then drops her bathrobe. Bob hands her $1,000 and leaves.
She puts her bathrobe back on and heads upstairs. She tells Mark that Bob was at the door, but he’s left.
“He did say he was going to stop by,” says Mark. “By the way, did he give you the $1,000 he owes me?”
#9
A girl asks her mother for a Barbie doll and a G.I. Joe doll for Christmas.
“But Barbie comes with Ken,” her mother said.
“No,” the girl replied, “she just fakes it with Ken”.
#10
An elephant walks up to a man on a nudist beach.
It asks him, “How do you breathe through that thing?”
cj be like 3 months ago
"I don't use it for breathing, but I can suck stuff up it and push stuff out of it"
#11
A gynecologist wants a career change, so she enrols in classes to become a mechanic. She’s nervous for the final exam, but studies hard and hopes for the best.
When she sees the final grade, she freaks out because it’s 150% and goes to see the instructor.
The instructor explains: “You took the entire engine apart, every nut and bolt, without breaking it. That got you 50%.
Then you put it all back together perfectly and it ran better than before you’d started. So that got you another 50%”.
“But what about the extra 50%?” Asks the woman.
“Oh,“ says the instructor. “You got a bonus for doing it all through the muffler”.
#12
A walrus takes his car to the mechanic. The mechanic needs an hour to work out what the problem is, so he tells the walrus to go somewhere and come back later. The walrus decides to head into the nearest ice cream parlor and get a dessert.
But he struggles to eat without hands and get ice cream all down himself. After an hour, the walrus heads back to the mechanic’s shop to find out what’s wrong with his car. As soon as he walks in, the mechanic says, “It looks like you’ve just blown a seal”. The walrus replies, “No, it’s just ice cream”.
#13
A man walks into a laundromat and goes up to the guy working behind the counter. He takes the items out of his bag and says: “I need to have these clothes cleaned”.
The guy doesn't hear him and says, “Come again?”
The man shakes his head and says, “Mustard this time!”
#14
A dyslexic man walks into a bra…
#15
Johnny was sitting in math class one day when his teacher called on him to answer a question.
She asked, “If there were five birds sitting on a fence and you fired a gun at one of them, how many would be left?”
“None,” Johnny replied, “because the others would all fly away”.
“The answer is four,” said the teacher, “but I like your way of thinking”.
“Now I have a question for you,” said Johnny. “Three women are sitting in an ice cream parlor. One is looking at her ice cream, one is biting hers, and the third is licking it. Which one is married?”
“Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the third one”.
“It’s the one wearing the wedding ring,” Johnny replies, “but I like your way of thinking!”
#16
Two men stole an entire stock of viagra from a pharmacy.
The police are now on the lookout for two hardened criminals.
#17
My neighbour thinks it’s fine to sunbathe nude in the garden. Her husband disagrees.
Personally, I’m still on the fence.
#18
A couple is down on their luck, so the husband volunteers to work the street corner for some extra cash.
The next night, he comes home with $100.50, and his wife asks, “Which cheap person gave you 50 cents?”
The husband replies, “All of them did!”
#19
Three nuns were sitting on a bench, minding their own business. All of a sudden, a man ran past them completely naked.
The first nun had a stroke. The second nun also had a stroke. The third nun almost had a stroke, too, but she couldn’t quite reach.
Stephanie Did It 3 months ago
Two nuns were walking in the park. Suddenly, two masked men jumped out and dragged them into the bushes. "Forgive them, Lord," cried the first nun. "They know not what they do." The second nun replied,"This one does!"
#20
A family of models are burrowing underground when Papa Mole sticks his head above ground and sniffs. “I can smell pancakes!”
Mama Mole sticks her head up next and sniffs. “I can smell cookies!”
Baby Mole, who is still underground, sniffs next and says, “I can smell molasses!”
#21
Two ladies were riding their bikes down an unfamiliar road.
“I’ve never come this way before,” says the first.
The second replies, “Must be the cobblestones”.
#22
What do two female vampires say to each other after a date?
See you next month.
#23
A doctor decided to use the skin left over from circumcisions to start a new business selling briefcases.
One day, a man comes up to him and asks why his briefcases cost twice as much as the store down the street.
The doctor replies: “Because when you rub them, they turn into suitcases!”
#24
A man walks into a pub and sits down next to an old man, who looks pretty sad. He asks him what’s wrong.
The old man replies:
“See this pub? I crafted these bricks in my own kiln, laid the foundations and built the whole thing myself! But do they call me Alan the Bricklayer? No!”
He points out of the window. “See that fence? I chopped down the trees, hammered the nails and put the whole thing together. But do they call me Alan the Fence Builder? No!”
Then he says, “See that beer you’re drinking? I brewed it myself, using my own special recipe that has been handed down through my family for generations. But do they call me Alan the Beer Brewer? No!”
He slammed his fist on the bar and sighed. “But you make love to a sheep one time...”
#25
I asked my wife if I was the only one she had ever been with.
She said, “Yes, the others were all eights and nines”.
#28
What do you call an expert fisherman?
A master baiter.
Stephen Andrews 3 months ago
We’ve been using baits in the pest control industry for the last 25 or 30 years. That’s what we call someone when they finish training and graduate to their first day on the job solo.
#30
What goes deep and is full of seamen?
A submarine.
#31
Timmy comes to school late. When the teacher asks why, he tells her, “I had to take a cow down from the barn and get her bred”.
Then the teacher asks, “Couldn’t your father do it?”
Timmy replies, “Sure, but not as good as the bull”.
#32
One day, a woman decides to spice things up with her husband, so she goes out and buys crotchless underwear.
Her husband comes home and she tells him to “come and get some of this”.
The husband walks in, but immediately recoils in shock. “Hell no! It bit a hole in your underwear!”
#33
What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.
#35
What do a rocket and toilet paper have in common?
They’re both headed for Uranus.
#36
My wife asked me if I’d like to spoon in bed.
I said that I prefer to fork.
#37
What do you call a budget circumcision?
A rip-off.
#39
Today, I snapped my g-string.
I’m going to the violin repair shop tomorrow.
Philly Bob 3 months ago
As I slowly slid my finger down her G-string, I thought to myself... What a beautiful guitar!
#40
What’s the difference between your job and your partner?
After five years, your job still sucks.
#43
What’s the German word for bra?
Stoppemfromfloppen.
#45
An old woman walks into the dentist’s office and starts removing her underwear.
Shocked, the dentist says, “I think you have the wrong room”.
“No,” she replies, “you put in my husband’s teeth last week. Now you need to remove them”.
#46
Did you hear about the viagra CEO’s funeral?
They couldn’t close his casket.
Philly Bob 3 months ago
I heard they made a viagra flavored ice cream. It took 4 hours to melt! - I got a viagra stuck in my throat. I had a styiff neck for 4 hours.
#47
What’s the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?
I’ve never seen a garbanzo bean on the street.
#48
What’s the difference between being in church and being in the bath?
When you’re in church, you have hope in your soul, and in the bath, you have soap in your hole.
#50
A taxi driver is driving a woman to her destination. On the way, they get a flat tire, and the driver gets out to fix it while the woman stays inside the cab.
After a while, she leans out of the window and says, “Do you need a screwdriver?”
The cabbie replies, “Thanks, but I need to fix this tire first”.
#51
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just two, but I don’t know how they got in there.
#52
A pregnant woman accidentally swallowed three bullets. She later gave birth to triplets.
Years later, the eldest came up to her and said, “Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out!”
The next day, the second one said the same thing.
The day after that, the third triplet came downstairs and the mother said, “Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out?”
“No,” he said, “I pulled down my pants and shot the dog!”
#56
My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that.
Can you imagine? Two dinners! (Sarah Silverman)
#57
Why did the snowman get excited?
He saw the plow truck coming.
#58
What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?
Hang on to your nuts, baby, this is one hell of a ride!
#59
A pirate is seemingly steering the ship with his crotch.
The captain asks if he’s okay, and he replies, “This wheel is driving me nuts!”
#60
“Give it to me!” She screamed.
“I’m wet, give it to me”.
But no matter how much she screamed, I was keeping the umbrella.
#62
A female golfer goes into the clubhouse to complain to the manager.
She says, “I’ve been stung by a bee”.
“Where?” Asks the manager.
“Between the first and second holes”.
#63
Which man is most popular on a nudist beach?
The one carrying a dozen donuts, and two cups of coffee.
#66
My wife asked me to talk dirty in bed.
So I said, “Your sister was better”. (Bert Kreischer)
#68
A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre.
So he gave it to her.
#69
A student is preparing for her biology exam, but struggling to keep on top of the work. She goes to her coach and asks if there is anybody who can help her with certain topics. The coach asks which topic she is struggling with the most.
“Reproduction,” says the student. “Professer Dee is an excellent teacher,” replies the coach. “If you do reproduction with him, you’ll probably get an A”. To which she replied: “If I do reproduction with Professor Dee, I’ll definitely expect to get an A”.
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Scott Rackley 3 months ago
Class has a substitute teacher. She introduces herself and writes her name on the board. "Good morning, my name is Mrs. Prussy, it's like pussycat but with an R." The next day the name is erased from the chalkboard. "I'll give extra credit to anyone who can remember my name." Little Johnny raises his hand and is called on. "Yeah, you're Mrs. Crunt."
Nova Rook 3 months ago
Here's a local joke from when I was a kid - English guy is driving, and there's a French guy hitchhiking. English guy stops and asks if the French guy wants a lift. French guy says "Oui-Oui!" (French for Yes-Yes! but it sounds like We-We!) so the English guy says "Well, you're not going weewee in my car!" and drives away. I am sorry I subjected you to this very bad kids joke.
Zaach 3 months ago
The pharmacist raced to get to work and open his shop - he accidentally locks his keys in the house so he breaks the window get in. A neighbor sees the broken window and calls 911; the cops show up, break down the door and slap cuffs on the pharmacist but he explains the situation and he is let go. He gets to the pharmacy and realizes that he forgot his keys. He goes home gets the keys and open the door, the alarm goes off and more police. trying to open the cash register, it flies open and spills change all over the floor. He is picking up the change when the phone rings - yep, he smashed his head on the open register and answers the phone - the caller asks how to use a suppository and he tells her
Greenkitty 3 months ago
I think Bored Panda should let that chameleon site do the dirty jokes.
Scott Rackley 3 months ago
Class has a substitute teacher. She introduces herself and writes her name on the board. "Good morning, my name is Mrs. Prussy, it's like pussycat but with an R." The next day the name is erased from the chalkboard. "I'll give extra credit to anyone who can remember my name." Little Johnny raises his hand and is called on. "Yeah, you're Mrs. Crunt."
Nova Rook 3 months ago
Here's a local joke from when I was a kid - English guy is driving, and there's a French guy hitchhiking. English guy stops and asks if the French guy wants a lift. French guy says "Oui-Oui!" (French for Yes-Yes! but it sounds like We-We!) so the English guy says "Well, you're not going weewee in my car!" and drives away. I am sorry I subjected you to this very bad kids joke.
Zaach 3 months ago
The pharmacist raced to get to work and open his shop - he accidentally locks his keys in the house so he breaks the window get in. A neighbor sees the broken window and calls 911; the cops show up, break down the door and slap cuffs on the pharmacist but he explains the situation and he is let go. He gets to the pharmacy and realizes that he forgot his keys. He goes home gets the keys and open the door, the alarm goes off and more police. trying to open the cash register, it flies open and spills change all over the floor. He is picking up the change when the phone rings - yep, he smashed his head on the open register and answers the phone - the caller asks how to use a suppository and he tells her
Greenkitty 3 months ago
I think Bored Panda should let that chameleon site do the dirty jokes.
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