101 Funny Dad Tweets That Capture The Essence Of Fatherhood

Remember to act surprised when you open!

And I am off to look up what it sounds like when a giraffe farts!

When I was a little kid, they sold us candy cigerettes and we turned out oka..........sorry, I accidently dropped my oxygen tank on the cat.

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Anyone whispering in your ear at 3am is wrong.

And humans laugh at animal's mating dances.

If you tripled the wages of every schoolteacher in the US, they'd still be underpaid.

That actually sounds way better.

But the frozen stuff keeps them quieter longer.

"Mom, your husband was rude to us."

Training for teen years starts... Now!

Revenge is a box best left empty

Ok but what do they charge for food? I've had some very hefty food bills at imaginary restaurants

I'll see you in the morning, bright and early. I'll be bright, you be early.

Yep. And also true. Now move on

That's horrible! How could you do that!! The right way to do it is get a hotdog and use the baby as a dipping plate. (PS: Also works with chicken nuggets)

Yes, but also no

This hits so much harder than people realize 😅

One day she'll make a fine dad.

I am 13 and I order from the kids menu because I can't eat a full meal. WOW GLAD I GOT THAT OFF MY CHEST

Heaven for I'd my children see a box heading for the recycling bin..."that was my special box I colored two weeks ago with crayon and haven't looked at since...

You walked right into that one!

My son would gladly unplug the iPod and plug the life support.. then proceed to tell me one thing after another.. till I die of boredom..

same

Grandma's are the best even though at the time you don't know it's all payback.

Bwaaahahaahaaa

Oh, so THAT's why I eat cayenne hot sauce for breakfast...

Get the disappointment in early kid, then adulting won't be as much of a shock.

My husband can absolutely relate to this!

My dad told me there was always room for ice cream because it would just fill in the cracks

we still call parmesan cheese “big cheese” because my sister called it that when she was little because it came in a big container

15 miles uphill both ways in the snow with 50 lbs of books in our bookbags and a piece of celery for lunch.

... she's got a point though. Might go introduce myself to my dog so she knows

I need a warm truck fort

🤣🤣🥰

That is terrifying

Jaws is my favorite movie, but apparently, my kids now are scared to go in the ocean. Oops.

So two fathers would destroy the world.

Time to make a trip to the circuit breaker box for a minute.

Laughed so hard it triggered my asthma

Totally not me when I was 5

as a teenager: 😂😂

Grocery stores here don't sell beer, so that would be bad

Made her happier with one comment.

But what if you only have one kid?

! How could you live so dangerously?!

The chick banging on the bathroom door because how dare momma hen lay an egg without her supervision??

I can totally relate to this. Even if it's my own hair.

Yep. Now move out of the way, you big, somewhat hairy apes!

Not wanting to brag or anything, but I could do that even before becoming a parent!

Oooooooooooh

Every time it's my day off chick is awake at 5. Every day I have to be somewhere in the morning chick wants to sleep til 8.

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Can't blame the kid. The marshmallows are gross.

This happened in 1978. In the backward seat of a Ford Country Squire station wagon. The child was seen making googly faces at all the cars driving behind them

Yup! Absolutely!!