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“Do You Clap When The Plane Lands?”: People Share 30 Questions You Should Definitely Ask Before Dating Someone
It’s essential that couples are on the same page in order for their relationship to flourish. If your and your partner’s values, goals, and daily lives are compatible, you’ll probably have your Happily Ever After. However, if you’re misaligned, the odds are that things will eventually end in tears and heartbreak. So it makes perfect sense to get to know someone before committing to them just because they have beautiful eyes or they were nice to you that one time.
Redditor u/RedditPenguin02 sparked an interesting online discussion, as people shared what questions it might be a pretty good idea to ask someone before starting to date them. We’ve collected some of the best ones—from the super serious to the slightly silly—to share with you. Scroll down to check them out!
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Are you married?
Squibit314 replied:
I would ask that. If they said no, the next question was “would your wife agree?”
If they laughed, they were telling the truth.
If they got indignant and pissed off that I thought they were lying…they were married.
Worked every time.
Do I like them, or do I just like that they like me?
It's good to ask yourself honest questions like this. It can help clarify your true feelings so you don't end up leading people on.
Ask them about their exes. If they think every single one of them is an a*****e...they are likely the real a*****e.
Unfortunately, just because someone gets married doesn’t mean that it’ll be for life. Divorce can be a very messy and expensive affair, especially if the couple is no longer on even semi-friendly terms with each other.
Divorce rates in the United States are staggering. Psychology Today notes that around half of first marriages end up in divorce. Meanwhile, the rate is even higher for second (67%) and third (73%) marriages.
However, Forbes points out that the divorce rate has dropped from 4 instances per 1,000 people in 2000 to 2.5 per 1,000 in 2021. The marriage rate has declined as well, from 8.2 to 6 in that same timeframe.
Do they have any pets?
You can tell a lot about someone from how they treat and care for their pets, most of the time.
Do you want kids in the future?
If one person wants kids and the other wants to stay childfree, then they are not compatible. And it is better to try dating someone else.
Try how important is having kids to you? there's no need to approach this subject differently to others, but you need to know, when push comes to shove what each person wants the most. My partner didn't feel strongly about kids, but I was adamantly against, we are very happy and childfree.. He felt very strongly about where we live, I was ok with the location, so it has worked out. Etc.
How do you feel about a woman's right to be a fully autonomous person?
“One common explanation for the failure of second and third marriages is that a significant number of people enter a second or marriage on the rebound of a first or second divorce. Often the people concerned are vulnerable; they do not allow sufficient time to recover from their divorce or to get their priorities straight before taking their vows again,” Mark Banschick, M.D., writes on Psychology Today.
According to the divorce expert, some people may not have “internalized the lessons of their past experience,” and so they’re likely to repeat the mistakes from their past relationships.
Ha Ha, these questions reveal more about the questioner than the answerer. I think maybe we should also ask, "What questions when asked by a potential date, are red flags for you?"
What temperature do you set the thermostat to throughout the year?
djdante replied:
Haha this one always gets me as someone who needs low temps - you can always put on more clothes, I can't peel my skin off to get cooler...
66-69 F (18.888889-20.555556 c). Apparently I'm the odd one out, by these comments.
Aside from major differences about finances, kids, politics, or religion, a big one is; What are your hobbies? If they don’t really have any, you may be the next hobby, which isn’t going to work unless you’ve got that kind of time. If the hobbies are time consuming ones generally done with a SO, but you have no interest in them, that could be an issue as well. If only one of you likes camping, wanted to spend vacation lounging instead of exploring, didn’t like sports, etc either that partner is annoyed or the other feels like they don’t get to enjoy what they love.
At the core of pretty much any long-lasting, healthy, and happy relationship you’ll find two people who love, trust, and respect one another and are deeply attracted to each other. They’ll be very open with each other, communicate often, and will draw healthy boundaries.
And you can’t get there without a lot of compatibility. It’s essential that both partners have the same expectations when it comes to the big questions like having kids, getting married, what kind of lifestyle they want to lead, and in what part of the world they want to settle down, etc.
While many may not agree with this very direct method if you are truly trying to find a long-term match and not waste either person's time talk about the big-five as soon as possible. My husband and I had the talk on our second date. We've been together since 2015.
The big5 are:
* religion
* politics
* children (to have or to have not)
* finances
* deal breakers: human rights / personal ethics concerns etc.
When I was dating my three essential questions were always kids, sex, and money. If you're not on the same wavelength for any of those three things, just don't even try.
When was the last time you changed your mind about something?
Opens a window to how they think.
But the smaller questions can reveal a lot about a person’s character, aspirations, and worldview, as well. And you can slowly start forming that picture by figuring out what someone does in their free time, what they’re passionate about, whether they tackle or avoid chores, and what their relationships are like with their family and friends.
Of course, you won’t get the full picture by talking alone: anyone can lie and flash a charming smile. So if you want to figure out whether someone’s worth dating or not, it might be a good idea to… go on a few dates with them. To put it simply, the more time you spend around them, the more you’ll see ‘the real them,’ not the image they project to others. It’s the small details, like how they treat waiters, how they behave when people are around vs. when it’s just the two of you, what they do when they’re fully relaxed, that will give you a deeper understanding of their strengths and flaws.
Do you like bread?
That is the extent of my flirting skills.
Where were you on January 6, 2021?
I would try to take care of any dealbreakers. If I find out that she has different political values than I do, it's not going to work out in the long run, so I wouldn't bother. Same thing with other factors (religion, financial values, etc.). I would also ask how much cuddling she likes to engage in, as I prefer a lot.
Do you have kids?
I asked that once and she said no. Then later after finding out she had kids, i confronted her about it and she said she didnt want to scare me off.
She got so offended when i asked “so you lied instead? I cant even trust you now.”
Same thing happens with work. I've had 2 ex boyfriends lie about working and then say they didn't want to scare me off because they liked me so much. Idiotically I gave them a chance and when they proved they wouldn't hold a job both said the same thing ...they on Only worked because I made them and all I cared about was money. This after many months of me covering the majority of all bills and them even using my car. Yeah cos everyone wants to live life with a blood sucking leech permanently attached to them ffs.
BIRTH CONTROL. And never believe "I don't take it because I can't get pregnant". Nature... finds a way.
Do they have a criminal history or any addictions you need to know about.
One thing I'm very open about is my recovery. I'm not ashamed of my past and damn proud of having turned myself around.
Are you pro-life? If I get pregnant, are you going to try to force me to give birth?
Wrong question. Right question : "Are you anti-abortion?" Plenty of anti-abortion people are far, far from being pro-life.
"Are you going to be financially dependent on me?"
I wish I'd known that with literally all of my relationships after I turned 18.
I highly encourage you ask someone you are getting to know what they are excited about in the next few weeks or month.
For me, it's critically important that the people I dated were optimistic and excited about life. Obviously that's not mean to disparage mental health struggles. But it was important that I dated someone who had a similar mindset to myself. I'm someone who finds things to be excited about. I find it jarring and off putting to date or be close to someone who can't identify things they are excited about. They don't have to be big things. But having a sunny, positive, and agreeable disposition is important - at least in my opinion.
I myself am someone who doesn't get excited for things. And it's not that I don't think it's exciting, or that I don't understand why someone would be excited by it, but I just don't get that jittery feeling about much. Your reaction to something may be the cheer loudly, or yell Yay! and jump, or wave your arms, and I being in the same situation would just acknowledge something happened. And it's not that I would think you were weird for actually cheering, I get it, i understand human emotion, but I just cannot do it.
Are you jealous or possessive?
Seriously, people who are, it is better not to give them time to enter your life.
You realise most jealous/possessive people don't see it in themselves, right? Better to ask that person's friends if they have those traits.
What they do to handle stress (genuinely), if they are in any other relationships, and if they have the same intent in dating as you. Nothing worse than finding out four years later that he thinks he’s poly and never thought you needed to know.
Not 'thinks' he's polyam, he is and was just s****y and didn't tell you.
Are you religious? How religious? I’m agnostic. I could date a Christian, but after decades in a very high demand religion, I couldn’t be involved with anyone who was devoted to religion.
The question is "How will the other person's religion affect you and the relationship?"
How did your last relationship end?
Is there any right answer that wont upset the person asking it? Compatibility and joy are not measured by an interview question
Probably questions related to spending habits and how much "stuff" they like to have. Poor financial management and hoarding are crushing factors in a relationship.
The older guy of a family in the neighborhood died near the beginning of the year. The wife was moved to assisted living last month, and they took one large uhaul of stuff out of the house, and then I'm told the house flippers loaded 6 (yes SIX) large (40 cubic yard) garbage dumpsters of hoarded... stuff... out of the house.
Don't be that family. Run away from people with tendencies like this. You will be unlikely to ever cure them of it.
How's your relationship with your parents?
This speaks volumes about many people.
Yeah cause it's definitely a dealbreaker if someone cut their toxic abusive parents out of their life... Edit: I thought the ellipsis would be good enough to not have to add /s but ig not
Would you still love me if I were a worm?
MissFox26 replied:
My husband told me he would still love me and would carry me wherever he went in a terrarium. If that’s not love then I don’t know what is!
"Do you actually like me, or just the idea of me?"
Alukrad replied:
I like this question but it's too direct to ask it that way. I think there has to be a more tactful manner to ask it.
I have a set of questions like "where would a giraffe wear a tie? At the top or the bottom of the neck?"
The actual answer does not matter but I think that how they approach the question and how they defend their answer tells me a lot about them
Edit: Also to discuss
- how would a dog wear pants? 2 or 4 legs in?
- is a hot dog a sandwich? (I usually have to explain the cube theory for this one)
A) At a formal event. B) Neither- dogs shouldn't be forced to wear pants C) Yes. My turn- 1) Why do we park in a driveway and drive in a parkway? 2) Why do we ship cargo but cargo goes by ship? 3) Define the universe. Give three examples.
Ask them what their hard demands, and hard no's are for a long term relationship.
Find out if even your most basic boundaries matchup/align.
Hard nos for me : liver, lima beans, hard-boiled eggs, Pauly Shore film festivals.
So, how much personal debt do you have?
Source: guy who dated a woman with huge debts and was asked to pay for everything and then some.
After that, I'd go with, "Have you ever been diagnosed with borderline, narcissistic or histrionic personality disorders?"
#2 isn't particularly insightful. Anyone who has been 'diagnosed' with a personality disorder but is genuinely working on it deserves help and support. However, the vast majority of people who have disorders such as these are completely unaware of them. Better to look at other areas of their lives such as common narcissistic traits, thinking others are always out to 'get them', thinking others are jealous of them, a tendency towards conspiratorial thinking, the constant need for attention, blowing simple things out of proportion, and so on.
For me, it was knowing if my now current partner was a picky eater. Could not handle that again if they'd have said yes.
Turns out he's the complete opposite and is more pig like as he'd eat anything, and probably your hand if you left it around his face for a minute.
I know what OP is aiming at but it's not the picky eater. It's a finicky and difficult personality that makes finding food for them into an ordeal. I'm friends with a woman who is a very picky eater but she's also a pragmatist who will find easy solutions for herself without bothering anyone if the main dishes are not to her liking. She can be happy with rice and lettuce if that's all she would eat of a menu and not fuss or complain about it. We were once invited to a wedding and they muddled her in with the vegans so the whole dish she got was inedible for her. She happily munched the rolls that came with dinner in little baskets with some salt and olive oil and was as happy as can be. Joyfully talking with everyone, not one complaint. Later she got a second slice of cake to feed herself to her satisfaction.
Do you believe in astrological signs or spirit animals?
These are okay. Just don't make your entire personality revolve around them.
Children, want them? Adopt? Already have them?
Religion/spirituality. For a lot you have got to be the same sect and church.
In my experience, this has been the biggest 2. Sure ther issues came up in previous experiences but they were a build up of issues. But only those 2 were big deal breaker where otherwise great chemistry wasn't enough.
I’m divorced after an 11 year marriage where the last 5-6 years my wife and I barely had sex at all. She was also abusive. After I went through my post divorce man wh*re stage for a couple of months I decided to actually look for a partner again. I’d talk with potential partners for a week or so before going on a date to make sure our sense of humor and personalities were a match. I was in my mid 30’s and a lot of the women I was talking to were divorced as well. If I thought we might work out I would ask about their sex drive and how often they wanted to have sex after the honeymoon phase was over in their previous relationships. It was a really big deal for me because I never wanted to live like that again. I ended up finding a wonderful woman who has a f****d up sense of humor who’s just as horny as me. The last 2 years have been amazing and we’re the happiest we’ve ever been.
What motivates you?
Before starting a romantic relationship with someone, it's important to get to know them and understand their values, interests, and goals. Here are some good questions to ask before starting to date someone:
What are your long-term goals?
What do you enjoy doing in your free time?
What are your views on important topics such as family, religion, politics, or career?
What are your expectations for a relationship?
What are your deal breakers in a relationship?
What are your strengths and weaknesses?
What is your love language or how do you like to show affection?
How do you communicate in a relationship?
What are your thoughts on monogamy?
Have you ever been in a serious relationship before?
Do you smoke?
Do you have a social life that is fulfilling for you, do you expect me to be your social filler for when you are bored and want me to give up my active life to coddle you.
Before a first date: What are you looking for in dating right now?
Before getting in a relationship: Do you want kids, what kind of life do you want ten years from now, where do you want to live, what's your family like, how do you see finances between couples, how do you look at money/finances, are there things I need to be aware of, how often do you like to be intimate, do you want pets, how does religion play a role in your life, thoughts on drugs/alcohol/smoking, what do you value, what do you like to do for fun?
Before moving in together? What do you think is a good way to split chores/bills? Which furniture stays/goes? How do we give each other space? Do we get pets? How do we help support each other? What do we do if this doesn't work out?
Are you friends with any of your exes?
What kind of music do you like? What media do you enjoy consuming?
Watching Fox News would be a hard no for me, if I were ever in the dating market again.
What I haven't read. How much do you plan - do you plan month in advance or are you mostly spontaneous?
I've gotten to the point where I don't trust these kinds of questions. Words are cheap, and smart, toxic people know how to give the best-sounding answers to these questions. They have an uncanny ability to guess what you want to hear. Much better to get to know someone by doing things together, meeting their friends, seeing their house, etc. Even then, there can be surprises. People can hide debt, addictions, and all kinds of bad habits for a long time. I guess I'm pretty cynical at this point.
One of the best things about my relationship now is we were close friends for almost 2 years before getting into a relationship. We already knew most of this stuff about each other.
The more self-awareness you’ve acquired, and the more you’ve come to enjoy just being alone or hanging out with platonic friends, the easier it is to transition into a healthy relationship. An analogy of the opposite mindset is house-hunting in a red-hot market. Want to “take your time?” Do a full walk-through, inspect for termites, wiring issues, roof decay etc? Too bad: someone else ran in and made a down payment. The difference is everyone needs someplace to live, but not someone to live with.
my pastor gave us a marriage prep book that goes through all the hard questions systematically, chapter by chapter, all major and many minor issues. We had long talks on her parent's couch with mom & dad out of the house for about 6 weeks every Saturday. I told her how much I made & asked if she could be happy with that if she didn't get work like she said she wanted (very middle class, service job, comfortable but not rich, owned a detached starter-home house only 3 years old with a private rose garden w/ fountain water feature). She was benignly agreeable on all things. After the honeymoon, her "must-have marriage list" kicked in. Apparently her socially climbing mother had groomed her starting as soon as she could talk that she must marry an heir to a fortune who was trust fund wealthy and a doctor/lawyer/cpa or better. She forgot to consider in all the grooming that old money, wealthy family, male heirs-to-be are taught to beware of gold-digger, middle class, upwardly mobile sorority girls like her who will love them first (or only?) for their money. She lied her way into our marriage, and then served notice that everything had to change, or she was going to turn the marriage papers into divorce papers. I asked her where all of this money was supposed to come from, the Lottery maybe? I stood my ground and reminded her that we had talked about all this things before, and that she had agreed to the marriage. Her answer was, "I never agreed to come over here and to live like white trash". She kept escalating until I was so upset I asked for a separation. She called up her mother and said I had asked for a divorce with me listening. All her stuff was gone the next day and most of the bank account. She refused to talk to me, so I wrote an 8 page letter telling her was she had done. I asked nicely if we could go for professional counseling & try to salvage the marriage. She had said and done things that would end any marriage. Her answer was to file for divorce with false charges of the worst sort of faithless immoralities that she could imagine, with no real basis. I did talk to a psychologist. She said a lot but mostly that the wife was borderline psychotic with all the unreasonable hidden expectations coming out of a hidden life script she was in denial about. Apparently the stress of getting married and leaving her mother pushed her over the edge. What a nightmare!. She lied her way out of the marriage, and then began to spread the worst sort of lies about me, destroying my reputation and life. Hell had no fury like a woman spurned they say. Ladies, don't do this to your man, okay? If something comes up in the pre-marriage negotiations that you can't agree to, don't lie & say it is all okay, expecting that you will "fix everything" on threat and ultimatum of divorce. If you are that wicked, just plain evil, and psychotic like this, you have to realize that leaving in a huff like she did is not much of a threat. NO exaggerations here, this is the mild minimal version.
What's your favorite genre of movies TV etc? Do you read books what's your favorite genre to read
Religion. I don't have a religious belief and don't have any friends and family with strong religious belief or affiliation. One guy I dated was a devout Catholic but I didn't understand what a devout Catholic was until he wanted to break up because he's sad we wouldn't be together in heaven. I was like, are you serious? Do people actually think like this?
The big ones are ones you can't ask questions about. "Are you a torturer?", "Are you a psychopath?", "Are you paranoid?" You won't get true answers if they are.
A lot of these are just personal preferences based on individual experience.
I would ask her if she enjoys cooking or baking. If she likes to cook or bake, then she is probably good in bed. That's been my experience. If she's willing to try new things with me, we will have many shared experiences expanding our comfort zone.
What I haven't read. How much do you plan - do you plan month in advance or are you mostly spontaneous?
I've gotten to the point where I don't trust these kinds of questions. Words are cheap, and smart, toxic people know how to give the best-sounding answers to these questions. They have an uncanny ability to guess what you want to hear. Much better to get to know someone by doing things together, meeting their friends, seeing their house, etc. Even then, there can be surprises. People can hide debt, addictions, and all kinds of bad habits for a long time. I guess I'm pretty cynical at this point.
One of the best things about my relationship now is we were close friends for almost 2 years before getting into a relationship. We already knew most of this stuff about each other.
The more self-awareness you’ve acquired, and the more you’ve come to enjoy just being alone or hanging out with platonic friends, the easier it is to transition into a healthy relationship. An analogy of the opposite mindset is house-hunting in a red-hot market. Want to “take your time?” Do a full walk-through, inspect for termites, wiring issues, roof decay etc? Too bad: someone else ran in and made a down payment. The difference is everyone needs someplace to live, but not someone to live with.
my pastor gave us a marriage prep book that goes through all the hard questions systematically, chapter by chapter, all major and many minor issues. We had long talks on her parent's couch with mom & dad out of the house for about 6 weeks every Saturday. I told her how much I made & asked if she could be happy with that if she didn't get work like she said she wanted (very middle class, service job, comfortable but not rich, owned a detached starter-home house only 3 years old with a private rose garden w/ fountain water feature). She was benignly agreeable on all things. After the honeymoon, her "must-have marriage list" kicked in. Apparently her socially climbing mother had groomed her starting as soon as she could talk that she must marry an heir to a fortune who was trust fund wealthy and a doctor/lawyer/cpa or better. She forgot to consider in all the grooming that old money, wealthy family, male heirs-to-be are taught to beware of gold-digger, middle class, upwardly mobile sorority girls like her who will love them first (or only?) for their money. She lied her way into our marriage, and then served notice that everything had to change, or she was going to turn the marriage papers into divorce papers. I asked her where all of this money was supposed to come from, the Lottery maybe? I stood my ground and reminded her that we had talked about all this things before, and that she had agreed to the marriage. Her answer was, "I never agreed to come over here and to live like white trash". She kept escalating until I was so upset I asked for a separation. She called up her mother and said I had asked for a divorce with me listening. All her stuff was gone the next day and most of the bank account. She refused to talk to me, so I wrote an 8 page letter telling her was she had done. I asked nicely if we could go for professional counseling & try to salvage the marriage. She had said and done things that would end any marriage. Her answer was to file for divorce with false charges of the worst sort of faithless immoralities that she could imagine, with no real basis. I did talk to a psychologist. She said a lot but mostly that the wife was borderline psychotic with all the unreasonable hidden expectations coming out of a hidden life script she was in denial about. Apparently the stress of getting married and leaving her mother pushed her over the edge. What a nightmare!. She lied her way out of the marriage, and then began to spread the worst sort of lies about me, destroying my reputation and life. Hell had no fury like a woman spurned they say. Ladies, don't do this to your man, okay? If something comes up in the pre-marriage negotiations that you can't agree to, don't lie & say it is all okay, expecting that you will "fix everything" on threat and ultimatum of divorce. If you are that wicked, just plain evil, and psychotic like this, you have to realize that leaving in a huff like she did is not much of a threat. NO exaggerations here, this is the mild minimal version.
What's your favorite genre of movies TV etc? Do you read books what's your favorite genre to read
Religion. I don't have a religious belief and don't have any friends and family with strong religious belief or affiliation. One guy I dated was a devout Catholic but I didn't understand what a devout Catholic was until he wanted to break up because he's sad we wouldn't be together in heaven. I was like, are you serious? Do people actually think like this?
The big ones are ones you can't ask questions about. "Are you a torturer?", "Are you a psychopath?", "Are you paranoid?" You won't get true answers if they are.
A lot of these are just personal preferences based on individual experience.
I would ask her if she enjoys cooking or baking. If she likes to cook or bake, then she is probably good in bed. That's been my experience. If she's willing to try new things with me, we will have many shared experiences expanding our comfort zone.
