Women Are Sharing The Gruesome Mental Loads They Carry In Silence
Interview With Expert
The mental load is the invisible ‘thinking’ labor that keeps a home and family running smoothly. This means remembering to do certain chores, scheduling appointments, checking in with loved ones, and so much more. Constantly keeping track of what needs to be done can become exhausting, especially when all the juggling of stress and chaos in one’s mind goes unnoticed by others.
Women in this online thread got candid about this issue, sharing their own draining mental burdens they carry without anyone knowing. From perceiving home as their second workplace to struggling to keep up with life, it reminds us that everyone needs a sprinkle of support, even if they don’t show it.
Bored Panda also reached out to psychologist, attachment specialist, and relationship coach, Dr. Lorna Otway, who kindly agreed to tell us more about women’s mental load. Keep reading on to find her valuable insights down below.
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The double workday.
They say ‘A man’s home is his castle’.
I feel a woman’s home is her second workplace.
Mothering a severely autistic child.
I am not cut out for it. I'm just not. That's cool that my mom can handle it. I can't. I think about doing the unthinkable every single day. I had to go to bed last night immediately because the thoughts were so overwhelming. I don't think ANYONE realizes how often I think of leaving planet earth. How much I wish I could.
My son is like a toddler. A 9 year old toddler. He gets into everything. Can't leave food on the counter while serving a meal. Can't leave dish soap (or any soap) out. Can't walk away from a room he's in, or something gets broken. He eats inedible things. Chapstick, lotions, makeup, etc aren't safe. None can be laying out. Door have to be locked or else he'll go into the room and eat items. On constant alert to him peeing or pooping in his pull up because he'll either eat the wet pull up filling or smear the feces everywhere.
Have errands to run? Bring someone with you to sit in the car with him because right in the middle of a place, he'll start punching himself in the face and screeching.
I will never be happy again.
You are a better person than me. I would probably get him institutionalized.
My kids don't know how close we are to not being able to pay the rent each month. I work and work and work, and I barely even see them anymore but still we're always behind.
Dr. Otway tells us that she’s very passionate about raising awareness about how mental load affects women. “Society often expects women to be the organizers, the caretakers, and the ones who keep everything running smoothly.
This is often the case even if the woman/both partners work full time. I’ve also heard the mental load being referred to as a woman's “second shift” after arriving home from her day job, which reflects just how taxing the mental load can be for women,” she says.
Trauma can cause brain damage. I suffer from ptsd and haven't worked in a decade because of this. I experience chronic anhedonia. I remember what it's like to feel joy, but it's not an emotion I can create at will. I have a few hobbies that are mildly enjoyable, but I'm constantly pressured by the few people in my life to be "doing more". When I want something, I'll go after it. But I cannot find pleasure where it simply isn't there. The reward centre of my brain is broken. Telling me to "think lighter thoughts!" is like telling a person in a wheelchair to "simply stand up and walk!".
It is exhausting to live in a traumatized body. No body understands the mental gymnastics to keep myself alive every day.
As a person who have gone through similar phase, even being bedridden and needing help to do day to day stuffs, my unsolicited advice is to fake it till you make it. I started doing day to day activities without enjoying , once I became a little better with medicines. Like brushing my teeth, eating food , changing my clothes , sometimes bathing.. everything was an achievement. It required work, and I definitely did not enjoy, but I decided to do as much possible everyday. After around one month, I started going back to work. Did bare minimum, many coworkers hated me (can't blame them).. I continued. Now I do my job, take care of my family, and have started feeling happiness at times..most of the times I feel numb, but I keep going .and it is helping
I had a miscarriage earlier this year. My aunt proceeded to wonder why my husband and I 'weren't pregnant yet,' and how we must 'not be trying' and so on. She did this on Thanksgiving — the f**king audacity to make assumptions.
Major anxiety/depression and undiagnosed ADHD. Every day it just feels like I’m moving through the motions and being disconnected from everyone around me. I’m in slow motion while everyone else around me keeps moving… feels like I can’t and never will get anything done. I’m just stuck in quicksand. Some days I just want to give up. My parents will never know the inner turmoil and the battle I fight with my brain every single day.
You are allowed to have your reality acknowledged. If you need support, you are allowed to seek out those who will provide it.
She further explains that the weight of such a burden can be exhausting and overwhelming for any individual and can lead to anxiety, a low mood, or difficulties sleeping or relaxing.
It can also summon resentment in relationships, as women may feel frustrated that their needs aren’t being met while looking after everyone else. “Over time, carrying the bulk of the mental load without help or support can lead to burnout, clinical anxiety, depression, or other serious difficulties,” adds Dr. Otway.
That I still mourn the loss of my childhood everyday because I had to grow up way too early and be a parent to my parents.
This is me most days. It’s so difficult not to keep asking myself why I didn’t get to have a childhood. 🥺
I grew up as the designated peace keeper. Every family conflict meant I was the only one who could talk to both sides and try to make things okay. “Go tell your father this. He will get mad if I try to tell him.” “Convince your mother/sister about this. They don’t listen to me.”
And now I can’t leave other people’s problems alone without feeling like I need to be fixing it or it is going to blow up. I absorb the negative moods of those around me because I had to be so aware of those things growing up. I’m exhausted and rarely get to feel my own happiness.
I get you. I grew up in a household with a father that was a ticking time bomb. I felt I had to smooth over any issues so that he would be happy and calm. I’d never thought about. How that made me I to this person I am today where I feel I have to fix everyone’s problems, until reading this. Wow, breakthrough moment.
My dad has cancer. He doesnt want ANYONE to know... not even me. I get updates through my mom privately. I cant tell people because NATURALLY they will want to reach out to my parents with sympathies. I have to act like i dont know anything. I cant yalk to anyone about it.
Some signs that your partner is struggling with a mental burden may include being more impatient, snappy, irritable, overwhelmed, tired, anxious, frazzled, or avoidant of friends, family, or their loved hobbies.
Dr. Otway also mentions, “Of course, these symptoms can also be linked to other conditions, including anxiety or depression, so it is important for a woman to seek professional medical advice if she is regularly experiencing these types of difficulties.”
I'm going through the process of being diagnosed as neurodivergent but haven't told anyone yet mainly because one time I told my mom I thought I was on the spectrum and she said something like "stop that, get that idea out of your head". It's been a lonely process.
I don't understand parents that don't support their kids... look I don't understand autism because there isn't anyone in my life that I know of that has it... but if my kids got diagnosed I would sure as hell educate myself and be there for her 100%. How the hell do you not go to hell and back for your kids?!?!?!
I just went through a very lengthy miscarriage and haven’t told anyone. I lost my Nan & my 14 year old dog this year. I’m beside myself with grief but can’t show it because I’ve got to hold it down for my mum, mentally ill husband and two little kids. I’m so exhausted. 💔.
Heartbreaking. Please find somebody to talk to- a therapist or counselor or someone before you break down completely. Sending love to you! ❤️🩹
My mom just transferred to hospice, and I, being her only child, was the one who had to tell her just today. I have also been the one who has had to update everyone all these months, family and friends, etc. Everyone is asking how my dad is, or my grandmother, but they think because I'm so levelheaded throughout this that I must be okay.
I'm so very, deeply, not okay. My wedding is in a few months and I won't have my mom.
According to Dr. Otway, partners or family members can help women secretly struggling with exhausting mental loads by validating their feelings and saying something along the lines of “I’ve been learning about the “mental load” and how women often carry the bulk of household and caring responsibilities. This sounds stressful and unfair, and I wondered if you can relate to this?” Afterward, they might further inquire about the unnoticed responsibilities they've been taking on.
The mental load I'm carrying by not having energy to do literally anything. If I go to school, I cannot physically manage to do anything else for the rest of the day, not even study. I lay in bed and cry because I feel so stupid, helpless and useless. It's the worst feeling when I don't have the energy to go to school and see my attendance worsen because I have no idea what to do about it. I believe my lack of energy is due to bouts of sickness since I got Covid in the fall of 2021 and my horrible experience with menstruation and birth control.
There's also Chronic fatigue. It would be worth it to look some things up and request tests from your GP
They don't know I had a miscarriage.
The seriousness of my multiple sclerosis affecting my cognitive function & memory. The stress that it puts on me and the mental load of carrying it and the depression that also comes with chronic illness.
I’m in the middle of breaking from a friend of 25 years because I feel like she truly doesn’t even try to understand or have empathy. She was family. Yeah, she’s going through a three-month illness (anxiety attacks) and the only time I hear from her is when she needs to vent, NEVER to check on her friend. She says how hard illness is and how I will truly never understand as if I haven’t experienced it for over 10 years in a much more serious manner (brain lesions, causing me to lose function in my body and brain). I’m not trying to compare apples to oranges, but come on. She just doesn’t want to learn about it, she finally voiced that…I’m gonna have to be ok with it & let her go.
However, she urges significant others to keep in mind that “sometimes well-meaning partners may try to lighten their partner’s mental load, but in a way that still involves the woman overseeing or managing the task.
For example, a partner may offer to “help” with the laundry but may expect the woman to remind them when to do it, help them choose the correct fabric detergent, load the washing machine, etc.
This is usually well-meaning, but ultimately, it does not lighten the mental load for the woman involved! Ideally, it is more useful if you can completely take care of a task, without needing your partner to manage or oversee it in some way in the longer term.”
Husband and I are approaching year 4 of infertilty. We have unexplained infertility. We were married before our siblings and started trying for baby before our siblings were even in relationships. All siblings now have babies. I'm so sick of explaining over and over again that we are doing everything we can and that unexplained infertilty is a real diagnosis.
They only speak to me when they need something. I’m still young and at home, I do all the life admin for my family since I’m the most educated and capable.
I don’t enjoy speaking to them because any time they speak to me it’s cos they need something, whether it’s an application, money, to make a call for them, to buy something, to even complain.
Bro nobody asks me how I am and if I’m okay.
One time I snapped and my dad sarcastically asked “had a tough day at work”
And I said yes and the tears just started. I work in law I worked hard and they don’t respect the graft it took whilst carrying them all.
Edit: I could move out but all my money is tied up in family business which I’ve taken over too without a choice.
Umm, start untying your money from now on? Keep a bit on the side? (Self employed female with kids here.) This sounds like you're a chained to the wall slave... Start looking after your own needs, like "No." is a complete sentence in many languages. Let them deal with their life admin stuff for themselves....
I had to have an abortion a month ago and can’t tell anyone about it.
There can be so many complicated thoughts and feelings regarding this. Right now you are going through an extreme hormonal change, so everything can seem really intense. And this can make you anxious, tired, weepy, etc. If there is anyone--a friend, or a counselor--that you can get some support from just reach out and try talking with them.
Another strategy Dr. Otway recommends giving a whirl is sitting down together and making a list of tasks that need to be done so the household runs smoothly. Then the couple can find a way to fairly distribute them, including the mental burden that goes with them.
She concludes by saying, “Sharing the mental load and rebalancing the distribution of labor is incredibly important for women's well-being and happy, healthy relationships.”
Being chronically ill. my family is a “just buck up and get through every day even if you’re dying” kind of family. if i mention anything about pain or being sick they always say someone has it worse.
the only time they didn’t do this is when i had cancer. 🙃.
Toxic family members and toxic advice.. Please don’t listen to them, they couldn’t be more wrong.
Being immunocompromised and trying desperately not to get covid.
Or almost any illness for that matter! Got an ear infection that took 1/2 year and multiple rounds of antibiotics just to clear the infection. And now I'm deaf in one ear, so I've got that going for me...
Turns out they are not aware of anything and choose to make themselves believe I am not suffering. And it's easy to do as they are all far away. I've been taking care of our mother since I was 16 years old. 22 years now. My brother has been living in another country for over a decade now and at most visits twice a year. For the last few years it's been even less. He rarely calls, maybe 3-4 times a year. Our mother does not have any friends and all her siblings live far away. They also rarely call. 100% of the emotional and physical work are on me. And yet, my brother talked like because he sends little amount of money to support, he is doing his part. Or I have choice to leave this situation. I have had anxiety disorder, and on-and-off agoraphobia since I was like 18. And everyone pretends like as if them not doing s**t is not a major cause of this, if not the biggest reason.
Call the others. Ask for the help you need. Tell them you need to hire a helper.
For whatever reason, my lot in life is to be the people that emotionally depend on, but idealize so much that I’m not allowed to be a flawed person who goes through hard times. The people I want to rely on often drop off the map or victim-blame me when I need them most. I am incredibly lonely, since at least half of my friendships are superficial and only benefit the other person. People view me some sort of way that makes them either want to f**k me, keep me around for social clout or bully me. The pressure I live under day-to-day is unbearable and I can’t get anyone to understand it or show me genuine empathy.
My parents had me a bit older, and they always encouraged me to study/chase my dreams and move abroad to have better opportunities (coming from a South American country). I came to Europe to study, met my current partner (who is from the country I live in), decided to stay and found a job. They were of course happy, but also a bit sad from the distance (despite we often videocalling and trying to see each other in person 2-3 times a year). However, every time I see them in person I can clearly see that they are ageing and that truly scares me. I don't know how long we'll still have together, how their health will be when they're older, and I'm scared of regretting the fact that I might not be able to be with them as much during their old age. I'm a single child, we've always been a close family, and it really saddens me to see how they miss me.
I'm an older Mum, and my parents were older parents. If they're anything like mine, they're well aware this situation could unfold, but they'd rather you live a happy "better" life than be with them no matter how much it hurts them. Tell them you miss them, tell them you love them, thank them for pushing you. Be open about it. Tell them before they're too old to understand or before they're no longer here, you won't regret it. My Dad died 6 weeks ago and I will never regret telling him those things.
That even though I’m proud to have walked away from Christianity, I’m aware I disappointed my mom and aunt especially, and that even though my mom loves me, I know she’s worried for my soul and relentlessly prays for my return to the faith. I’ve had strict boundaries to never speak to her about that topic until I’m ready or choose to, but I’m not heartless or cold as she might think. I’m very aware of the factors and just as sad that they can’t accept me just because I believe something differently.
I feel like so many of these posts are centered around women feeling responsible for managing other's feelings and expectations. I'm definitely not criticizing, as I've been caught up in this so many times. I had to learn that I was absolutely allowed to be who I wanted to be, and if that disappointed some people, that was not my problem, in any way. Learning to let go of other people's expectations and not take responsibility for their emotions has been one of my biggest life lessons.
My partner and i separated 7 months ago. We still live together because living in Western Canada is an expensive s**t show. He refuses to tell anyone and carries on as normal, while I feel like I'm living a lie and slowly going crazy.
The entirety of the family’s children’s Christmas happiness. No one else cares and puts in 1/10 effort because what’s the point.
I struggle with my gender identity. I don't feel like I can talk about this with my mother. Although she's a relatively progressive and very much left leaning person she's also a second wave feminist and really.. I mean REALLY dislikes men.
Currently, I’m staying with Mom(76) and my brother(52). Been here a year.
Either one doesn’t know/realize/care what I’ve been through and going through in my marriage. I don’t talk about it because Mom then feels my life is up for conversation with extended family and her friends. So I stay quiet.
Because of the c**p going on in my marriage, my adult children barely speak to me. I cry about this all.the.time. Yesterday, was especially difficult. I miss them and my grandkids.
I am always worried about the what ifs. My parents situation is teetering on the brink and even though I have POA it gives me very little comfort.
My health - physical and mental health - is not good.
All of this combined and I’m exhausted. Never would I have thought my life would be this way. Not ever.
I understand completely!! Instead of “been there, done that”, it’s more like “am still there and doing that”. When I was younger, I was always the person that would get teed off if someone said they were going to do something but ended up doing nothing. Here I am today just becoming that person that I’ve despised. Depression and aging changes everything about who you think you are and how you actually are (even while taking meds for it). I wish I had the outlook and the power I once had but at 62, I’m also exhausted because it seems there’s always something else waiting right around the corner to trip you up I wish you nothing but good luck, good health and peace!
Not really sure if this counts, but im going through a break up, it was something relatively new so they didnt even really know much about it and him, but nonetheless im still pretty upset over the loss of him and anytime ive been alone i cry.
That sucks, regardless of the time, if you're sad, you're sad, no matter what.
My parents still treat me like a child even though I am 35 years old. We never talk about anything serious. It's always just laughs, silly 'dad jokes', and superficial conversations where everyone just pretends everything is fine, even when there's something wrong. No matter how much I try to talk to them about anything serious or give them any sort of advice they never listen. Like they are getting really overweight and the older they get the more troubles that will cause and I am really worried about that, but they never listen to anything I tell them about healthy eating or exercise or healthier choices and they just keep getting more overweight...
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It is my hope that more and more women become more comfortable with saying NO. NO to being the sole person responsible for making holidays and special occasions happen, NO to being the sole manager of the entire household, NO to being in one-sided relationships, NO to feeling responsible for other's emotions. (Edit: I say this as much to myself as any else. This is something I always have to work at.)
It's my hope that all women become financially self sufficient and never be trapped in a marriage. Always keep a hidden stash of "mad money" and add to it just in case.
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My 20 year old daughter has autism & an intellectual disability. Every day is a struggle & a challenge. She is obsessed with the police & contacts them any way she can, so they turn up with lights & sirens & sometimes an ambulance depending on what story she has made up. So many times over the last 5 or so years I have been called while I’m at work & have had to rush to her at school or TAFE or wherever. The last time (about a month ago) she used the internet on the tv to make a report on Lifeline saying she had taken a lot of meth.I got called home & the police & ambulance were here. They all knew that is was a bunch of c**p, she showed them zip lock bags with baking powder in them. We can’t get through to her
Funny how this appears today. Come Sunday, a LOT of entitled "parents" are going to whine and play the victim when nobody calls. It has been more than 20 years, and I still feel no guilt for cutting them off because they have none for what they did to me.
It is my hope that more and more women become more comfortable with saying NO. NO to being the sole person responsible for making holidays and special occasions happen, NO to being the sole manager of the entire household, NO to being in one-sided relationships, NO to feeling responsible for other's emotions. (Edit: I say this as much to myself as any else. This is something I always have to work at.)
It's my hope that all women become financially self sufficient and never be trapped in a marriage. Always keep a hidden stash of "mad money" and add to it just in case.
Load More Replies... My 20 year old daughter has autism & an intellectual disability. Every day is a struggle & a challenge. She is obsessed with the police & contacts them any way she can, so they turn up with lights & sirens & sometimes an ambulance depending on what story she has made up. So many times over the last 5 or so years I have been called while I’m at work & have had to rush to her at school or TAFE or wherever. The last time (about a month ago) she used the internet on the tv to make a report on Lifeline saying she had taken a lot of meth.I got called home & the police & ambulance were here. They all knew that is was a bunch of c**p, she showed them zip lock bags with baking powder in them. We can’t get through to her
Funny how this appears today. Come Sunday, a LOT of entitled "parents" are going to whine and play the victim when nobody calls. It has been more than 20 years, and I still feel no guilt for cutting them off because they have none for what they did to me.
