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Raising a child—especially being a single parent—often comes with a certain set of challenges. The hoops moms and dads have to jump through teach them valuable lessons, as most of being a parent comes from personal experience. However, sometimes advice from others might come in handy as well.
Some valuable advice was shared by members of the ‘Ask Reddit’ community. A user addressed the sons of single mothers in the group, asking what is something all moms need to know while raising a boy. Quite a few men were willing to share and provided insight that could arguably be beneficial for any parent out there to know. Scroll down to find their answers on the list below.
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#1
Please.. Never put another man before your son.
Also he is not his father, don't hold him accountable for things that his father may have done.
Jason K 2 years ago
I get the idea behind this, but it's a bad principle generally. A husband should be putting the wife first, and the wife should be putting the husband first. Too many parents get their emotional needs met through their kids. Children are better off all-around when their parents' relationship with each other is prioritized. Obviously this does not mean neglecting children's' needs. Balance in all things.
Susan Bosse 2 years ago
I've always told men I've dated that my son will ALWAYS be first and that fact will NEVER change.
SkyBlueandBlack 2 years ago
Don't hold daughters accountable for their dad's actions, either, please. Just because your mom did that doesn't make it okay, mom.
Justin Walsh 2 years ago
And don't EVER expect me to call him "Dad." Him! Don't expect HIM to call him dad!! 😳
Andy Cran 2 years ago
yep my mother absolutely failed going through this list....best I ever done was to estrange myself from the whole damn lot of them (both sides) in my 40's wow what an absolute mess of a man I was .... vicious bunch of narcissistic passive aggressive toxic emotionally manipulative snakes.....never been happier,alone and sometimes lonely but much happier and mentally secure
Mark 2 years ago
Actually a sonlike a daughter needs to come second and third occasionally because end of the day he can't be a little emporor unless you like rhe idea of a spoilt boy at 35. Lol. I've raised girls as a single male parent and I'm currently with a woman who has a so-and-so yes sometimes he comes first. Sometimes she comes first and sometimes I come furst. Kids jeed to learn they're not a parents whole world. They're a part of a parents world
RELATED:
#2
Let your kid have space. Especially the older they get. Don’t be afraid to text instead of walking in their room or even knocking.
Educate them on alcohol, drugs, sex, cars (safety/ speeding), violence, etc. make sure they know and understand the consequences. How it affects life. What going to jail means (especially after they’d get out). Your kid will drink and do drugs. The best you can do is prep him.
Make condoms available. Don’t try and fool yourself that your son will not have sex before you think he will. Don’t go counting the condoms. Ever. Just put some in a drawer that he readily has access to. His bathroom drawer is generally a good spot but, hey, the kitchen junk drawer works too.
Have male figures around. Your BF (if applicable) does not count. Male friends, family, etc. they don’t need to be the kids father but different male role models (grandfather, uncle, best friends dad, a friend of yours, etc). You don’t need to go and get a husband just for your son. Positive male role models in his life are just the same.
This is more single parent to child:
Be as patient as you can with him. You are both going through hell and back for different reasons in different ways. He’s a kid though and literally doesn’t know and doesn’t even know what to know.
Be open to whoever they bring home as dates. You won’t be able to plan for it.
Tell them you love them, you care about them, you want the best for them. Ask, “How was school?” Every day they have school even if they or you are pissed or whatever. Make sure your kid knows that you are trying and want to do the best for them. That you need to hear from them, also, even if its just an honest, “can I tell you later” reply.
Above all, good luck. I feel lucky with my mother and how she brought me up. Even as bat-Sh7T crazy as she is.
StrangeOne 2 years ago
Also teach your sons that it's not just the girl's problem if he gets her pregnant, but it is her choice on how to handle it.
Malfar 2 years ago
I would also add that if you disapprove of drinking or drugs, make it clear, but not in an obnoxious way. So that when thinking about you, your son and daughter will not think "If I drink or smoke weed, mom/dad will kill me", but rather "If I drink or do drugs, mom/dad will be upset and I love them and don't want to upset them". Also, that it's okay not to drink or do drugs, even if close friends invite you and call you a killjoy or no-fun if you refuse. And don't expect your son or daughter to steer clear from alcohol and drugs if you drink and use. I grew up as a child oif a single mother. All my classmates and friends either drank, smoked, did drugs or all of it combined. I never did it then and don't do it now.
Shelli Aderman 2 years ago
We’re a two mom house, so some of these things apply, for sure! AND, we’ve provided condoms to BOTH our 17 year old daughter and 14 year old son. We started talking about the hard stuff early on, and our kids are quite shocked when they encounter peers whose parents don’t talk about it. And that’s what saddens me.
themusa101 2 years ago
I honestly agree about the condoms part but my parents will never bcs they dont believe in condoms for some reason
My O My 2 years ago
How can one nit believe in condoms? I'd really love to have a little chat with your parents
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Mojo Flizash 2 years ago
I'm a single dad with twin teenage sons I've raised by myself since they were babies. These tips aren't just for moms. Even being a male myself doesn't exactly prepare you with what is happening at this stage in life. I have a decent idea but both my sons are polar opposite and one is on the spectrum. It's the most challenging and rewarding thing I've ever been blessed to do.
#3
If you don't like the men you've met, raise your son to be a better man. Don't just constantly berate males in general to your son and expect him to just be better.
Being a single parent is tough, but never give your son (or daughter) the "you think you have problems, you're just a kid. You don't even know what problems are." speech.
Claudia Gotthardt 2 years ago
"Problem contests" are never any help in general. Everyone carries their package, and a small problem can be just as painful and hard to overcome as a big one.
Tiger Lilly 2 years ago
Just because something doesn't mean anything to you it doesn't mean it doesn't mean everything to them.
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Stephen Andrews 2 years ago
And as a single father that raised 3 boys, the same I think applies to single moms. Work hard, be honest, dependable, and an overall decent human being. They mimic what they see and although they’ll undoubtedly screw up, best moment I had after they were grown was when the rowdiest of the 3 said “Dad, can’t say I always made the right decisions, but I sure the heck knew what they were”.
Coyote Osborne 2 years ago
Oh yes, nothing better for a kid, when they're really upset, than telling them that everything will get worse so they better suck it up, and that nobody cares about their little problem. Really teaches empathy. : /
Clearly sunny 2 years ago
It's hard to let them know it doesn't grow on trees and was hard to work for.
#4
If they’ve hit puberty, **knock before entering**. It will save both parties some trauma and awkwardness
Coyote Osborne 2 years ago
Girls masturbate too. Boys do not need special private boy time, all kids need private time.
Clearly sunny 2 years ago
THIS, I tried to want to see if my son was on something bad online while he was in the shower as he tells me nothing. Well the Google searches were enough for me to know to mind my own business. Sometimes we should just trust them n give them their privacy.
Nicola Roberts 2 years ago
It works both ways. I'm a single parent and there is stuff stored in my bedroom which means my daughter will often walk in unannounced. If I see the door opening I will yell out "I'm naked" because let's face it neither of us want to see that. 9/10 I'm not. but it's a funny reminder to knock 😆
My O My 2 years ago
S**t. It was the same for me back then. Sending you strength
Load More Replies... Shelli Aderman 2 years ago
ALWAYS KNOCK!!! I do the “Shave and a hair cut” knock, and spouse just knocks about 5 times. Then they also know which parent is knocking. 😉 We didn’t plan it that way, it just happened, and has become comforting to the kids, so they know who to expect.
#5
Do not wake up boys in the morning and immediately ask them to get out of bed.
It *will* result in a very awkward conversation neither of us wants to have. Wake us up and tell us to come do whatever you need in a few minutes.
Mary Bank 2 years ago
OH and to add to this, if you son goes from sleeping to shower right away... don't even mention it. As my son starting to reach teenage he has done this a few times and I just great him with a 'hey you want breakfast' if I am in the kitchen. Thank goodness my hubby warned me about this before hand.
XanthippeⓐWulf🇨🇦️️🇬🇧 2 years ago
Learned this the hard way (no pun intended lol) Growing up, every morning I used to wake my older brother up by running to his room & jumping on his bed. He was always cool about it until one day he wasn't. Ended up having a very awkward conversation with the folks on why I could no longer wake up my brother 😬
Coyote Osborne 2 years ago
Unless you live in a war zone, why would you insist ANY child leap immediately out of bed? As an adult, I'm not expected to leap out of bed. What exactly are you teaching your kids? That they should jump whenever someone yells at them and hop to? The proper response to someone telling you to jump is not "how high," it is usually "Da fuq you just say to me?"
cartoon ghosts 2 years ago
My parents are like this and it's because I sleep in a ton (insomnia meds) and end up being Kate for things if I don't get up immediately when they want me to or when I wake up
Load More Replies... Shelli Aderman 2 years ago
And TELL YOUR BOYS what will start happening to their penis as they sleep early on!
Mojo Flizash 2 years ago
What? Your teenage sons wake up in the morning? By morning do you mean 1pm in the afternoon.
Aroace tiger (she/they/he) 2 years ago
...or anyone not just for that but because I AIN'T GETTING OUT OF BED IMMEDIATELY
#6
I'd say for boy or girl, never, ever, compare your child to the parent that left. Every time my mom says "Don't act like [Dead beat]" or "Don't make that face, you look like [Dead beat]. It breaks my heart every time because I know just how much she hates him and I don't want that for anyone else.
Phoenix(or nix)they/them 2 years ago
Hey mom, you gonna take it back? I still remember even though it happened in December. I bet you don't remember.
Susan Bosse 2 years ago
I never had to run mine ex down. I knew my son would figure out what type of person his father is on his own. He did. Hasn't seen him in over six years. Does talk/text very sporadically but it's on my son's terms when they do.
Coyote Osborne 2 years ago
"While you're trapped here with me and can't leave because you're a minor, I'll be sure to tell you that what someone else did to me is your fault, and you should be ashamed of being alive." Yeah. Great job. #badparenting.
#7
Don’t harass him about girls he likes or dating, it’s not funny or cute to prod, it’s uncomfortable as hell and not something everyone wants to really talk about
Ghöst 2 years ago
As a teenage girl in a private school, I had small classes and my homeroom was mainly guys. So whenever I brought one up even ONCE, they would tease me a bunch and then say 'oh your smiling" or "blushing" or something else stupid. It annoys me to no end, especially since I am aroace and have zero interest in romance yet. The whole idea kinda sounds awkward and weird to me, especially being dependent on someone yet they are INSISTENT Ill get married and have children. It's ridiculous. I might change my mind but probably not. Just LET ME BE.
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Greenmantle 2 years ago
Plus if your kid is gay, all these stupid questions are just going to alienate them further. Don't assume. Talk about romantic relationships in neutral terms sometimes. Or give examples. The last thing you need is a seriously depressed kid feeling shame about themselves and worrying themselves to death about what you will think of them.
Azolane 2 years ago
My mom messed me up big time because of this. Made fun of all of my feelings very early on, then later on no one was ever good enough, she made sure to ruin every single relationship I had. So I just turned into an emotionless, heartless b***h with every man I met, making sure to keep feelings at bay and breaking up before anything got too serious. Understand that what you do and say to your kids will impact every aspect of their future life. And never tell them afterwards that "it was just a joke" and that they are too sensitive. I'm 40 now, and as lonely as ever because I'm unable to process emotions in a healthy way.
Clearly sunny 2 years ago
I don't bother with this as it's just getting to know someone and not a bother. They should know life goes on and no need to over do thoughts/feelings.
Clearly sunny 2 years ago
I tell my son, don't worry girls and life are very complicated and it's all very simple once you mature mentally and get aware of others. I simplified it for him.
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#8
Do not expect your son to fill your missing spouses role.
My mom would constantly act like I was some male patriarch of the house, constantly giving me extra stress like financial concerns and death plans. Gave me an unnecessary amount of stress and didnt allow me to have much of a fun childhood since I was "playing dad"
hardrad2009 2 years ago
Оh yes, and it will never ends really "I raised you alone, you are now an adult, you should be always on-call to do something for me."
Lunicia the crazy healer 2 years ago
And make sure your son doesn't try to take on the role of the man of the house himself! When my ex husband and I split up my son tried to do this. He was constantly worried sick about me, because he thought he had to protect me now and it gave him anxiety whenever he would spend the weekend at his father's. He would ask me over and over about what I would be doing and where I would be going and for how long etc. Took me a while to get him to understand than I'm the adult and he is the child and it's my role to protect him and not the other way around.
Celtic Pirate Queen 2 years ago
I (f) was "the man of the house" after Dad left when I was 8. I was really handy with tools and liked tinkering, so I did most of the home repairs, even learned how to change the oil in the car and how to replace window glass. I never really had a childhood, and because I was the oldest, I was also responsible for taking care of my 3 siblings. By the time I was 13 I was so burnt out from being the home repairing nanny I ran away. I ended up moving to my Dad's in San Diego, but by then my childhood was definitely over.
TotallyNOTaFox 2 years ago
I have to take care for my mother (difficult situation) because "I'm the man in the family" while my sister moved out and enjoys her life without a care in the world
DrLivingstonipresume 2 years ago
Yep. Or keep it up and force your kid to cut you off from his life
#9
Don't marry someone you don't love because you think your son needs a father-figure or for the sake of financial stability. My mom did, no one came out of it happy.
StrangeOne 2 years ago
I fully believe it's imperative for single parents to not focus so hard in finding a new partner. Let it happen naturally, like if the right person comes along. But it's important to take that relationship slow and never let them be around the kids alone. js
Celtic Pirate Queen 2 years ago
My ex wanted to stay together "for the sake of the children" saying 2 parents were better than 1. His parents stayed together for the children and basically hated each other. The tension in that house was palpable. I told the ex no way in hell. I can't stand you now, I may very well be homicidal if I have to live with you for another 16 years. A happy single parent is so much better than two miserable ones.
#10
A teenage boy is going to have mood swings from I want to punch everything to I want to hump everything.. he needs outlets to deal with both. And both are helped with healthy doses of privacy so he can sort it out.
SadieCat17 2 years ago
This is a thread made specifically for mothers with sons, so yes some of this advice is applicable to both genders, but it is literally about teenage boys and says nothing about girls.
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Sandra Morison 2 years ago
And listen to them ..... their rants are valid , at least to them at that moment
April Pickett 2 years ago
That also applies to the girls. Frustration and angry feelings will win out if you pry.
#11
Research male puberty so you're prepared to give "The Talk." Also be prepared to teach your son how to shave because his father may not be available to do so himself. My mom was fully prepared for all this and more, she credits that to having 3 brothers and being the only girl. Also don't be afraid to expose him to girly things too! Every boy should also have an understanding of the female body because it helps them empathize with their female friends and family. Also don't be afraid to share your interests and hobbies with him too, it will only deepen your bond! One of my fondest memories of growing up was watching the Golden Girls with my mom.
Jason 2 years ago
I grew up with my mom. She always taught me I expect or need a woman to take care of me and I needed to know how to do everything. From cooking, sewing, cleaning, laundry, etc. To repairing toys, the house, etc. Teaching my son all the same and more
Spencer's slave 2 years ago
You have an awesome Mum! She must be proud of the man you are, especially as you are teaching your son the life skills she taught you.
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Blue Chambers 2 years ago
For sure teach your boys about female bodies. Prepare them for later in life. Better than me repeating "But what did you do with it?" on my wedding night.
ShaZam Beaubien 2 years ago
I sat my boys down and said I wanted to talk to them .. My eldest said, Dad already took care of that conversation. Uhh, No ... I wanted to tell you guys Santa Claus isn't real ...
Celtic Pirate Queen 2 years ago
My son is 43 now, but as a young man he knew how to work on cars and arrange flowers, he could cook, do his own laundry and sew. He understood my 12 step bathroom cleaning process perfectly. I made every effort to teach him as much as I could to help make him an independent adult. (The flower arranging was always a big hit with his girlfriends).
Haywood Jablome 2 years ago
I have a single mom, and to this day I have not met my very much alive dad. She never taught me to shave, because that was a "dad's job". She never talked to me about sex because that was a "dad's" job". I think she thought not-neglecting her child was also a "dad's job".
Kathryn Baylis 2 years ago
If there’s a trustworthy ale relative or friend who can help them with stuff like this—-without imparting any toxic male b******t to them—-reach out and ask them if they could help. Most normal well-adjusted men would be just fine doing so, especially if they’ve already been involved in the boy’s life before, and the boy looks up them them already.
#12
Boys have a lot of emotions. Teach him to understand his emotions. Teach him that it's okay to feel those emotions.
Also, teach him how to control those emotions. Boys can pretty idiotic at times, and oftentimes emotions are what lead to that idiocy
StrangeOne 2 years ago
I swear the girlfriends and wives end up having to teach this to our boyfriends/husbands because their parents wanted to raise them to be tough.
Surenu 2 years ago
I see this very often, and in my own life as well. I wasn't allowed to cry, or display really any sort of emotion including joy as a kid. That messed me up for a looong time, and I'll be honest, others suffered for it as well. Not proud of that I tell ya.
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Spencer's slave 2 years ago
Mum of boys here and I 100% agree with this. I raised mine pretty much alone. Boys need to be able to expess their emotions safely and with understanding, they need to know it's safe to cry, they need to know that strength comes over time and experience. Tell them every day that you love them, show them you love them, hug them. Tell them that emotions and feelings can be difficult but normal and help them navigate through them. Teach them that actions have consequences, that owning mistakes is a positive step and you are there for them. Let them know you will always have their back, be their cheerleader and be that mother lion when you need to be because they need you to fight for them. Mine are in their 30s and I will do this for all of my life. A Mum can raise boys to be good men, millions have done it and are still doing it alone.
Mojo Flizash 2 years ago
Yes. This. My dad was the king of toxic masculinity and alpha dog b******t. People have emotions.
Sandra Morison 2 years ago
I just talked to them, listened to them and loved them. Communication is the key. Allow them to be tough or emotional neither is wrong
Phil Vaive 2 years ago
Oh my god, we get it! Nobody is allowed to have a conversation that pertains specifically to boys. Can you move on now? Maybe start a thread for girls?
Load More Replies... #13
Leave if you find yourself with more abusive men. It's not fair for a child to feel as though the most important person to him chooses a******s over him. It causes lasting damage.
Tess 2 years ago (edited)
Also don't complain to your children about how awful it is living with them, we f*****g know. Especially when we are 9 & 11. Then proceed to live in the same house as them for the next 18 years. We have to live with them too, more importantly so does our new little sister. We end up with life long complex PTSD, and almost complete gaps in our memories of our childhood. Even the good ones from before you f****d everything up, are gone forever.
Samantha 2 years ago
Sounds a whole lot like my bro and I.. but thankfully by 11 & 9 we were able to leave and live with other family members
Load More Replies... Shelli Aderman 2 years ago (edited)
Yes! (And this stock photo is hilarious! I can imagine the photo shoot now, “OK, Bob. Put your hand on her shoulder, and lift the bottle of “booze” in a menacing way. Yes! That’s it!” 🤣🤦🏽♀️)
Coyote Osborne 2 years ago
It's also not great when you make the kid feel like you have invited the a*****e into your house FOR THEM. "I married Robert the Strangler, because a child needs a father and I need to keep a roof over your head. I'm doing this for you! These bruises are for YOU!"
#14
I’m a wife of a man who was raised by a single mother. And I can answer this one based on complaints my husband confided in me.
Don’t use your sons as emotional rags soaking up all your problems. We understand you need to vent and don’t have a mate, that’s not your sons fault. Get friends and let your son be little, don’t burden him with your adult problems
cartoon ghosts 2 years ago
My mom does this a ton, even though she's not a single mother. She'll just start telling me about her vaguely abusive childhood and she's also told me stuff about my dad that I really don't want to know and don't think he'd like me knowing and it feels like a huge violation of privacy. To be fair my moms entire thing is huge violations of privacy so idk what I'm expecting
Lauren S 2 years ago
I don’t tell my son my problems but I am honest with him about when I’m upset, sad, stressed, etc. I think that’s okay to do, especially if I can model how to manage those emotions. My goodness do I love his hugs when I’m upset. They genuinely make me feel better. I have noticed a couple times he has purposely tried to joke around or be playful to cheer me up, that makes me feel a bit bad because I don’t want him feeling responsible for my emotions or my joy. And at the same time I think it’s a thoughtful thing to do for another person you care about. Like it’s nice if he does that for his friends. That’s different though. Idk.
Celtic Pirate Queen 2 years ago
Children should never be used as confidantes for adult problems. You don't need to shield them, per se, but you don't need to be transparent about everything either. Trust me, we know when our parent is broke, you don't need to tell us.
Lyone Fein 2 years ago
Any time an adult uses a child to fulfill an adult role--be it sexual, psychological, social, financial, whatever--it is abusive.
Sonja 2 years ago
Just because it's hard to follow doesn't mean it's bad advice. Don't make excuses. Any child deserves their childhood. They're not your therapists, nor your assistants, maids, free babysitters or friends. They owe you nothing and shame on you if you try to use them to relieve your burden. If you absolutely have to, you should be ashamed and apologetical. Not trying to present it as a neccessity and make excuses. Feelings matter. A child can forgive a mother who did what she had to do as long as they see she really didn't want to and tried hard to minimise the impact. But with your attitude it's clear you don't understand that it's never ok to do and expect them to just deal with it and not complain. And that's disgusting.
Load More Replies... #15
Not a son of a single mother but a medical studnet: please for the love of god teach your son to dry his penis after he leaves the shower. You have no idea how many rashes and infections are caused by that.
Coyote Osborne 2 years ago
Um... I have had a penis my entire life, and as a gay man, I've had access to many others, and I assure you that they are typically water-resistant, like the rest of the body.
Lauren S 2 years ago
That makes me feel better because I can’t get my kid to dry his hands properly, I have no idea how I’d teach him to dry his penis. He rushes everything he does. I’ve settled for washing his hands well. The water will dry eventually. He’s only 6.
Load More Replies... The Original Bruno 2 years ago
Inform the anti-circumcision folks, who claim over and over and over again that circumcision doesn't help reduce infection. (If you're circumcised, it's dry by the time you towel off the REST of your body. And your underwear probably does a good job of keeping it dry.)
Jessica butts 1 year ago
She is talking about jock itch, dry the WHOLE area though not just the penis... :)
#16
If the door is closed. Keep it that way when you exit.
Angieeee 2 years ago
This post is about single mum's with boys. Yes it can apply to both genders
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#17
if you're not on good terms with the boys father, don't talk s**t about him constantly and then tell your son that he is "just like his father"
G 2 years ago
To be fair, half the comments are the same thing over and over again as well
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#18
When you meet another man that you fall in love with we are still there and we still need your love and attention
Kathryn Baylis 2 years ago
Always consider your children first, way way in front of your feelings and/or drives. Be careful of who and what this new man in your life is. Take the time to 100% check him out and get to know him before gently and gradually introducing him to your kids. Be sure your kids are prepared for you to potentially marry again, and that doing so is not a slap in your father’s face or her disrespecting his memory at all. Your father and mother may genuinely have told each other that, if anything happened and one of them died, and especially if they died young, they would want their surviving spouse to live the rest of their life. To fall in love again, to remarry, to have children with their new spouse. It’s a thing most normal married couples tell each other, because you don’t know what life-changing event may happen tomorrow. Just be honest with your kids, at an age-appropriate level. Kids can adapt really well, if they’re given to right tools to do so.
Jude Corrigan 2 years ago
It means that if you are a single parent and meet a new partner, remember your children still need your love and attention.
Load More Replies... #19
Males and females don't necessarily process things the same way in several key areas. This starts being observable in adolescence in subtle ways, but is *especially* true once puberty hits. Testosterone is one hell of a game changer; we are *still* learning about new and weird ways it affects mental, sexual, and, of course, physical development. Testosterone has very significant effects on how many emotions are processed and how males approach various things and giving the young man the impression he should be able to mimic a woman's methods can cause problems when he is incapable of doing so, which is compounded by testosterone's tendency to magnify anger from frustration.
Just one example: it seems to have a significant impact on the ability to cry. It is a pretty common thing for FtM transexuals on testosterone treatments to notice they simply can't cry like they used to (and MtF on inhibitors notice they cry almost uncontrollably often). Shaming a teenage boy for getting angry when frustrated and not crying as a release (which I've seen quite a few single mothers do, if not necessarily intentionally) can do a lot of harm because he may pretty close to literally be unable to and he needs other ways to process the emotions.
Tons of observed differences in how sexual urges work between the sexes, too. Interesting book by a lady who, back in the 90s (might've been 80s), pretended to be a guy for like 2 years. I've only watched the news segments on it and listened to summaries of the chapters, but quite a fair bit was regarding her observations of just how different men's sexual minds were from her own (even as a lesbian, iirc).
TotallyNOTaFox 2 years ago (edited)
Sexual urges are quite different between men and women due to neurological processes - A man is basically ready to go by getting an erection and reaching an orgasm is easy by physical stimulation. Women can get physically aroused without the sexual drive kicking in and require mental stimuli as well for satisfaction. Of course that is a general explaination and can vary for each individual, but that is the current state of science for that topic
minnybri 2 years ago
Thank you, I think that something we have to keep in mind as society reconfigures our understanding of gender is that hormones have an influence on behaviour and ability and the things that work for someone cis-typical female hormone levels won't necessarily work for the someone with male hormone levels, and vice versa. If we pretend everyone is identical it puts unrealistic expectations on everyone.
The Original Bruno 2 years ago
I find it very frustrating how many very well-intentioned women expect men to have the identical tastes and issues as women. Now, I know there are PLENTY of men who are complete a******s when it comes complaining about women doing things women do. I'm not talking about complete a******s. I'm talking kind, decent, caring who really truly believe they are egalitarian, understanding people, but if they get a whiff that any opinion is in any way able to be associated with maleness, it's completely invalid. And I'm not talking about sexist opinions like, "Women belong in the kitchen." I'm talking opinions like, "Latin mass helps me focus better"
Narwhal Blast 2 years ago
Crying is not "immature as f**k". It's a way of releasing stress, grief, anger, anxiety and other emotional distress one may have. Using tears as a way of getting what you want is a form of manipulation and is immature as f**k. Crying is generally considered healthy and can sometimes feel like letting off steam. People deal with stressful situations in different ways, crying isn't immature. I've had friends who were unable to cry in the worst situations because someone had told them crying is immature and "real men don't cry".
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#20
Don’t coddle them or act like they’re five years old. Learn to give them independence and grow up.
Susan Bosse 2 years ago
I have to forcibly make myself take a step back. It's so hard but he needs the opportunity to do things himself. He's 21 but always my baby. It's hard as a mom to step back but I'm doing it and making progress all the time.
minnybri 2 years ago
Thank you so much for being aware of your challenges and working on it! I think that mothers who can't let go of the "my baby boy" mentality are where a lot of the nightmare MIL stories come from. MILs who can't accept that their sons are starting their own families and that the DIL is going to have her own ways of doing things/customs, and try to interfere in their sons' relationship.
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Kimbowa 2 years ago
I have to really watch myself with always talking about how cute he was when he was little. I always make sure to say something like “and you’re handsome and awesome now.” But still. My son knows I love the ‘toddler ages’ from observing me around other people so I think he understands.But I have to watch it though because now that he’s grown I miss those days when he was 2-4 years old, and I’ve said that more than once. I say loving things and praise him now, I just think I have “grass is always greener” syndrome because he was a lot of work back then and looking back now I act like he was a perfect little angel -god knows I didn’t always think so when I was chasing him around trying to put his socks on! He’s old- 24 now! and we have a great relationship. But sometimes I wonder about things I may have done wrong/do wrong, partly due to a plethora of articles about the effects of parenting that I’ve seen lately. But I think us moms know it’s challenging to try to do everything right!
Phil Vaive 2 years ago
This one is so hard (saying this as an Uncle, not a parent). When we're kids, every stage of development seems to take SO long. It takes an entire lifetime to be able to go to the corner store by ourselves, or to make plans with our friends without our parents...but as an adult with a growing child (or niece/nephew) the time flies by in an instant. One second they're in diapers, the next they're going on dates. It's SO hard to see how fast it goes!
Oerff On Tour 2 years ago
Whether you are a single parent or not, the most important rule of parenting is: "If you expect the child to behave like an adult, then treat it like an adult!"
Mary Bank 2 years ago
YES this one has been hard for me but I agree so much. My son is 12 and around 8 I started trying to teach him more independence. Cleaning, laundry, how to make dinners/breakfasts/grocery shopping and what price per weight means... its so important. If you want a baby forever get a dog or cat, kids need to be taught to be fully functioning adults. I mean we still have family cuddles, not coddling doesn't mean be a d**k but yeah teach them how to be adults.
#21
Something I haven’t seen is remember boys and girls are fundamentally different. You grew up as a girl and think like a girl, and as such have different experiences and different ways of thinking. Do you have a brother, close male friend, father, etc. that you can get advice from? That can help you understand your son’s thought process a bit better.
Male friends are not like female friends, and for better or worse boys are treated differently than girls by their peers, adults, and society as a whole. I know being a woman can suck a lot, but don’t forget there are times it sucks to be a dude too. His problems can sometimes seem trivial but remember you’re his best and possibly only outlet for when the world feels cold and harsh. You can teach him gender equality later, be someone he can rely on first.
RP 2 years ago
I'm in two minds about this. I think that because there is that perception out there, boys get a really raw deal with they are little. So actually NOT thinking about them as fudamentally different is a plus. But being aware that there is a storng perception of difference that leads to different socialisation (as OP points out) is important once they start school. Be aware, yes. Buy into it? No. Raise your boys to be people first and boys second
Shelli Aderman 2 years ago
I hear this. AND… “Teach him gender equality NOW.” Set those tapes while they CAN be set.
Lauren S 2 years ago
I was talking with my 6 yo about boys and girls being equal. I was saying how at school he sees the girls can do everything the boys can do and the boys can do everything the girls can do. He thinks for a moment, considering if this is true. Then concludes, “Except for the splits. Girls can do the splits.” I loved that was the only evidence he came up with that contradicted what I told him.
Load More Replies... James Doe 2 years ago
An average boys brain works very differently than a girls brain. Especially the last 50 thousand years of evolution made sure of that. Luckily our environment and society has changed significantly. It's our job to ensure boys and girls (and div.) are brought up to fit the society we want to live in rather than retain those biologically inherited patterns. Hence it is unfortunately even more important to approach the different genders appropriately (meaning differently) at a younger age. (There are plenty more inhertited "biases" we should be aware of and try to avoid: Confirmation bias, sunk cost fallacy,...)
CrowLogic 2 years ago
There is a slight biological basis to suggest some differences, but the vast majority of men and women think differently enough to members of their own sex that you cannot pin any characteristic as being "male" or "female". Just ignore whatever gender they happen to be and raise a child. Trying to raise a girl as "a girl" causes so so much resentment and bitterness in that child towards herself, her parents and her sex, I can imagine it is often the same for boys.
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#22
Not having a father is not that important. I would give my mom father's day presents too because she always did her best. Teach your son to be respectful and do your best, be there as much as you can without being overprotective. Do not go looking for a male figure because there's no need for it, you can be all he needs.
Sonja 2 years ago (edited)
I somewhat disagree. A boy needs a positive male figure in their life and a mother can't be all they need. But that figure doesn't have to be a father or her bf. It can be a grandparent, a teacher, a youth worker or a trustworthy neighbour. An uncle or a big brother. That's all fine.
CrowLogic 2 years ago
Not necessarily, same-sex couples raise healthy and happy children. Positive male and female role models are always good, but they don't have to be the child's primary caregiver.
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Mojo Flizash 2 years ago
My sons (twins) have been completely raised by me (dad) as my ex-wife made sketchy decisions and left when they were 1yr old. But they do have positive female influences also. It's necessary. My mom is the closest thing the boys have to a mother and there are certain things they appreciate her for things that I might not be able to provide. Luckily they have a father that is not the alpha male, keep your emotions inside type of guy either.
#23
Be careful of the men you bring into your lives and you allow to spend time with your sons. Some men are into you just for access to your sons.
Owen 2 years ago
I would like to believe that that is rare. I have never encountered that. Or heard of it.
Sonja 2 years ago
Sadly experts say that a boy is just as vulnerable and likely to be abused than a girl. Paedophiles are more willing to switch between sexes than predators who target adults. The risk is the same for all kids, but assault on boys is a huge taboo that rarely gets spoken about. Just so you know, most victims of the Catholic assault scandals were male. But the reports don't reflect that. Male on male rape happens. But no one talks about it. A female victim has already bad chances to get justice. But most male on male assault cases don't even get criminal investigations. And the shame is so big it often isn't even reported.
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WA2DK 2 years ago
Well, that's why I've been single for 14 years now. As much as I would've liked for my girls to have a father figure in their lives, I didn't want to risk exposing them to yet another abusive man, nor did I want them to get attached to a boyfriend for him just to vanish from THEIR lives, in case him and I broke up. I know not all men would do that, but with my kinda "luck", I'd run into the ones who would.
#24
Definitely inform yourself about the male body. My mother never understood it and could never teach me about myself, I had to discover everything myself, and I did, but those were some years filled with strong anxiety.
Jason 2 years ago
My dad was physically present sometimes but never taught or helped. Learned lots on my own that I plan to teach me son. Shaving, deodorant, you name it he skipped
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Goose of the Ahonkalypse 2 years ago
Studies show that it's statistically moms who do most of the educating regarding potty training, genitals, puberty, sex Ed, and hygiene regardless of if the dad is present in the same household. Not sure about stats on shaving though. As a solo parent of a boy I gotta say I was way less prepared to share body/puberty nfo with a son and there's definitely not as many resources for boys/parents as there are about girls' puberty but Guy Stuff by Cara Natterson is great for younger boys (I gave it my kid at age 7 but I'm also pretty matter of fact about most stuff) and Decoding Boys by Cara Natterson which is an excellent resource for adults. Especially since she covers porn access and social media and how to have those convos.
#25
Don't be mean to his girlfriends. Less common now, but my mom didn't get the memo.
Manners maketh man.
Knock, speak, and walk away. We heard you. There is no need to open the door.
Malfar 2 years ago
"Knock, speak and walk away. We heard you". I guess there are no headphones in that house.
Shelli Aderman 2 years ago
🤣🤣🤣🤣 Half of the time, I am literally just waiting for an answer!
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Barbara Bird 2 years ago
I disagree with this one. We need eye contact to insure the spoken words have registered. That is with anyone. Not just our sons
Phil Vaive 2 years ago
LOL as a male with ADHD and an uncle to a teenage boy with ADHD, odds are if they don't respond, they didn't process what you said. Don't get mad, though, just ask if they heard!
jdtimid123 2 years ago
If you heard her then reply to let her know you actually heard her. Doors aren't always the best microphones....
Brenda 2 years ago
As young teens, that door remained open when others were in there,no matter the sex/gender. I relented when they got older depending on who it was.
Ven Nigell 2 years ago (edited)
Well, take a medal. You pushed your kids to try intimacy in unsafe unsanitary conditions instead of the comfort of the home they lived in. Because if you think they didn't do it, you're delusional.
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#26
Don’t berate nor trash talk men with sweeping generalizations. My mom is a single mom and my dad split when I was 10 and my mom trash talked him so much that for about 2 weeks, I just about resented women until I realized how foolish and ignorant of a thing to do it was.
Treat men and women with equal respect.
Think with your brain, not your emotions.
Be clean.
Respect people older than you.
James Doe 2 years ago
Great except the last sentence! Respect needs to be earned. An aging ignorant idiot will stay an idiot. (You should give the same basic respect to anyone, no matter the gender, age, race, background, wealth,... and it is fine to give people a bit of benefit of the doubt)
Mark 2 years ago
Actually no respect doesn't haveto be earnt. Agywr all how can you earn my respect without knowing me or vica versa? I practice that everyone gets equal respect upfront and what they do with that is up to them. Eg they can build on it or lose it as I cannot assume and nor can they. Sad fact is when you demand respect upfront before even knowing the person you're also saying you deserve respect furst and thus shows you don't respect them because they haven't immediately done something you like. I'll open a door for a stranger (male or female) so it'll a woman or man thinks he or she doesn't haveto than it shows they have no respect for others
Load More Replies... Ven Nigell 2 years ago
The last one opens the door for sa and other abuse. Do not teach your kids to respect people just for the age, that just makes them comfortable to order around... guess who'll gladly use it.
Sonja 2 years ago (edited)
I don't respect people solely for being older than me. I respect all people in general for being people. They gain my sympathy for being kind and reliable and honest, and they earn my wrath and savage will to let them feel consequences for bad behaviour, especially for being AHs. But I generally respect everyone for being human. Even when I detest them
#27
Teach him how to treat a woman
Jill Rhodry 2 years ago
And how to care for himself, basic hygiene, and how to care for a house.
#28
Try and let your son have a positive older male influence in his life. Maybe an uncle or a freind or an older brother who can take him out on bike rides or out fishing or other fun bonding activities. That way he has someone to aspire to be like when he is older and to give him advice on things that you would just never think about.
Cynical, Burnt And Jaded 2 years ago
Big brothers of America. Don't marry to bring a father into the home. A happy and peaceful home is far better than dealing with some a*s/;"@ in your lives.
Vesi Dryke 2 years ago
My sperm donor was in big brothers.. and an active pedo. Please teach your kids good touch/bad touch and to trust you with uncomfortable feelings before trusting anyone to spend time with them alone.
#29
Don't pass over the parenting duties to someone else and expect them to be raised the same way. My dad left before I was born, when I was half way through middle school like at life 7 for some reason my mum passed me onto my grandparents who I still live with now at 27. And be mindful of what being raised without a second parent figure head is.
KnightOwl 2 years ago
Sometimes it's the best option for everyone involved. My parents are raising my nephew as his parents are drug addicts/alcoholics who spend their life in and out of prison. My nephew is an autistic savant and is extremely intelligent but has no sense of danger. He spent the first few years of his life in what was essentially a crack den and was basically a feral child who had to fend for himself until social services stepped in and removed him. (Our entire family had gone no contact a few yrs before he was born and had no idea he even existed at this point) He is doing amazing now after 2 1/2yrs with my parents, myself and my sisters all helping to raise him, he's surrounded by cousins, friends and a huge extended family who adore him. He has a better life now than his parents could ever have given him, he doesn't quite understand why he's not with his mum and dad yet (he's only 5) but understands that they couldn't keep him safe so he lives with people who can.
What do you think ?
SadieCat17 2 years ago
I see a lot of comments saying "and this doesn't apply to girls?" This thread is about teenage boys specifically and none of the advice specifies that girls do or don't need it. Don't detract focus/attention please.
eame 2 years ago
I think the comments are because the way it's phrased is "what moms need to know raising boys" when the results are not boy-specific, but apply to all children. A better list would be stuff that only applies to boys (e.g. about washing and drying your foreskin, for instance).
Load More Replies... Malfar 2 years ago
Haven't seen it on the list, unless it is implied in the points about privacy, but - don't impose your religious or esoteric beliefs, even if you consider them right. Children should not be talking about sins or going to hell, or a God who would punish them if they jerk off. Also, they WILL jerk off as soon as they discover that it may bring pleasure, and if you try and shame them out of it, they will still do it, but will just be more distressed about it. Same for the girls, too.
SirWriteALot 2 years ago
As a dad of two boys, and still being married, these were nice to read and still extract useful info. Because just because you are a father doesn't mean you KNOW everything. It#s not like there's a manual included in the box :-D
Sonja 2 years ago
Don't make sexual differences into gender stereotypes, and don't hype gender stereotypes as sexual differences. Yes boys and girls are different. Yes, gender exists and feelings of being in the wrong body is real. But your two year old girl isn't not a girl because she likes hoodies and doesn't want pigtails. A girl isn't a girl because she does girly things, a boy isn't a boy because he behaves masculine. Let them explore their interests and passions without trying to fit them into gender roles or gender stereotypes. Don't put words into their mouths they don't understand and stop this 'a real lady doesn't ' nonsense right away. There's no right way how to boy and there's no false way how to girl and vice versa. I'm all for accepting gender variations and transexuality if it naturally occurs, but I despise people who try to push toddlers into LGBTQ+ roles just because they're not fitting into outdated prejudices, molds of toxic masculinity or the girly girl scheme. Accept your child.
UpQuarkDownQuark 2 years ago
One time at a family get together, when I was about 15, everyone was talking about showering. Whether they liked hot or lukewarm showers, long showers or short showers, etc. And then then my mother blurts, “Quark takes ridiculously long showers. I don’t know *what* you’re doing in there every morning!” She and my aunts were looking at me, I was mortified, but my uncles just stared at the ceiling. Moms: don’t say sh*t like that in front of other people.
Dirk Daring 2 years ago
If he's in his room, the door is closed, and he's being suspiciously quiet, leave him be. Why? Because if he's in there treating himself to a good time, then he's not out somewhere getting someone pregnant.
SadieCat17 2 years ago
I see a lot of comments saying "and this doesn't apply to girls?" This thread is about teenage boys specifically and none of the advice specifies that girls do or don't need it. Don't detract focus/attention please.
eame 2 years ago
I think the comments are because the way it's phrased is "what moms need to know raising boys" when the results are not boy-specific, but apply to all children. A better list would be stuff that only applies to boys (e.g. about washing and drying your foreskin, for instance).
Load More Replies... Malfar 2 years ago
Haven't seen it on the list, unless it is implied in the points about privacy, but - don't impose your religious or esoteric beliefs, even if you consider them right. Children should not be talking about sins or going to hell, or a God who would punish them if they jerk off. Also, they WILL jerk off as soon as they discover that it may bring pleasure, and if you try and shame them out of it, they will still do it, but will just be more distressed about it. Same for the girls, too.
SirWriteALot 2 years ago
As a dad of two boys, and still being married, these were nice to read and still extract useful info. Because just because you are a father doesn't mean you KNOW everything. It#s not like there's a manual included in the box :-D
Sonja 2 years ago
Don't make sexual differences into gender stereotypes, and don't hype gender stereotypes as sexual differences. Yes boys and girls are different. Yes, gender exists and feelings of being in the wrong body is real. But your two year old girl isn't not a girl because she likes hoodies and doesn't want pigtails. A girl isn't a girl because she does girly things, a boy isn't a boy because he behaves masculine. Let them explore their interests and passions without trying to fit them into gender roles or gender stereotypes. Don't put words into their mouths they don't understand and stop this 'a real lady doesn't ' nonsense right away. There's no right way how to boy and there's no false way how to girl and vice versa. I'm all for accepting gender variations and transexuality if it naturally occurs, but I despise people who try to push toddlers into LGBTQ+ roles just because they're not fitting into outdated prejudices, molds of toxic masculinity or the girly girl scheme. Accept your child.
UpQuarkDownQuark 2 years ago
One time at a family get together, when I was about 15, everyone was talking about showering. Whether they liked hot or lukewarm showers, long showers or short showers, etc. And then then my mother blurts, “Quark takes ridiculously long showers. I don’t know *what* you’re doing in there every morning!” She and my aunts were looking at me, I was mortified, but my uncles just stared at the ceiling. Moms: don’t say sh*t like that in front of other people.
Dirk Daring 2 years ago
If he's in his room, the door is closed, and he's being suspiciously quiet, leave him be. Why? Because if he's in there treating himself to a good time, then he's not out somewhere getting someone pregnant.
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