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30 Houses In Melbourne That Appeared On This Architecture-Shaming Instagram Account
Not everything in Australia is "upside down". Sure, their Christmas is in the summer and they might have a BBQ to celebrate it, but in some ways, they're just like us Northern Hemisphere folks. Our fascination with bad architecture, for example, is equally obsessive.
Turns out, the Irish, Belgians, and Dutch aren't the only ones shaming their native buildings on Instagram. There's an account called Ugly Melbourne Houses doing precisely the same on the other end of the world.
Taste is universal. I know. But ironically, it's what allows this online project to make fun of the houses it wants to. Here are some of them!
More info: Instagram
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Every Time I Try To Build A Custom Sims House
Amy's Winehouse
Nicholas Reece, deputy lord mayor of Melbourne, thinks the city is actually Australia's most interesting settlement for architecture and design.
"Beginning with the good bones provided by the Hoddle Grid, Melbourne has added some amazing buildings over the decades," Reece wrote. "The city has also produced some brilliant home-grown local architects and has a distinctive design culture, without the overreliance on international 'starchitects' like Sydney."
Perfectly Pitched For A Neighbourhood Near You
They Forgot The Plaster Lions
When you use the Sims 4 Mansion Baron "Purchase 20 Columns" aspiration in real life.
When A Friend Doesn't Invite You To Their House And You're Really Quite Relieved About It Actually
However, the deputy lord mayor thinks that Melbourne may have lost its touch in recent years. "[We have] too many towers that are nothing more than spreadsheets in the sky, delivering a profit for developers but leaving the city poorer because of bad design and low-quality materials."
"Too many buildings that are low-grade and bland when newly complete and destined to deteriorate into eyesores over time," Reece continued. "Tall towers that set out to be seen from afar but offer nothing to the pedestrians walking the streets of the city. Featureless glass boxes that could be in any city in the world, rather than a city with the character, style, and sophistication of Melbourne."
How's Everyone's Week Been? Chaotic? Jumbled? Overly Complicated? Yep. Me Too
Proudness Doesn't Even Begin To Describe How I'm Feeling After Receiving This Piece Of Moderne Arte Collage In My Inbox
Hang On. Wait... What?! Your Therapist And Your Massive Inflatable Santa Supplier Are The Same Person?!
He said the city started noticing its flaws and began drawing a line, saying it must do better. "BHP House on William Street and ICI House in East Melbourne are both over 50 years old. Yet they both still look elegant and modern. They are great examples of how good design holds up and continues to shine over time."
"Melbourne has long been famous for its beautiful shop fronts, especially along Collins and Bourke streets. We need to extend that experience to other quarters of the city," Reece explained.
If Large Cars = Small-Membered Owners, What On Earth Does This Symbolise?
Picasso's Lovechild
There are so few windows. Must be so dark inside if the back isn't all glass
Barbie's Dream House
this is cute. not the biggest pink fan but it works with the mid century vibe
Those Aren't Balconies, They’re Actually Hay Feeders For Giraffes
He believes that good design is even more critical now if Melbourne is to retain its reputation as a highly attractive and liveable city as it emerges from the COVID-19 pandemic. Reece is also happy that the challenges the city faces aren't too big to solve. At least not yet.
"Melbourne's planning processes are quicker and involve far less red tape compared to other big cities. This is an advantage we need to preserve. But we also need to acknowledge that we need to lift the general standard," he said. I wonder if he follows Ugly Melbourne Houses. Or the person running it...
Colonel Pistachio’s Tudor Turrets Raise Up My Peppermint Helicopter Roller Disco Roundabout
I don’t mind this half as much as the macMansions and the neoclassical nightmares.
Caravan Of Courage
Animal Print Is A Neutral
This one looks fun! It's not something I'd do, but I like looking at it.
Life Is Just About Trying To Do The Very Best You Can Do With The Size Of Window That You Have
It Looks Like A Shower
Cheeky Brick Butt Cheeks Wrapped In An Oh-So-Saucy Garter Belt Portico
Mary Poppins’ Lsd Dreamland Winky Wonky Summertime Lovin’ Peculiar Palazzo-A-Palooza
That’s A Serious Sixpack
This one caused quite a fuss. Neighbours took up a petition to have it removed.
That's a replica of Michelangelo's David. Do people not know that? The caption reads as if it were a random statue with a sixpack. I agree it being a bit weird placing this in one's front yard, but would anybody also start a petition against the one in Florence?
Because it's not a replica. It's a kitschy copy, probably originally made for a gym advertisment or something. Michelangelo's David does not have such a sixpack.
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Honestly, are we really looking at the abs when we first see this statue?
It's true that its a copy of Michelangelo's David, but not a very good one.
How is an exact copy not a very good one? Did you compare them? It looks perfect to me.
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Nothing like showing off a giant c**k and balls in your front yard every morning! Makes me think of Monty Pythons Life of Brian. And no, the owner of the house is not the messiah, he's a very naughty boy!
In answer to several comments here; What disturbed me greatly as a child was seeing a similar statue whose 'parts' had been replaced with a leaf too small to have covered what should have been there. That meant that he was missing something... He was only a statue but somebody missing something was still horrific to me.
Why do people put this crap in their yards? This isn't sophisticated. It reeks of new money trying desperately to appear sophisticated. Or, this is a big F you to the neighbors.
I know this house... I was going to put it up here, but someone beat me to it! 🤣
Obviously the neighbours are not complaining of the nudity, six pack is a great distraction.
Jesus, half the population have penises. The kids will be just fine.
Load More Replies...Intergalactic Evil Mammoth Boxy Square Bonnet Wearing Robot Worm Computer Mansion
When It's Only Wednesday But Your Column Just Thinking 'Bout The Weekend
Anyone Got An Id On This LEGO Set?
The Hills Have Eyes
Your Dreams Are Like The Left Half Of This “Balcony”... Totally Pointless And Likely To Result In Horrific Injury If You Dwell On Them For Too Long
All Roads Lead To Somewhere In South Australia
Melborgian "Trying To Take Your Underpants Off Without Taking Your Trousers Off First" Robot Moderne
Everybody Who Lives Here Loves Maths
I Think They Could've Squeezed Another One In
Golden Graytime Jazzercise Spacesuit Jumpsuit Wangle Angle Window Panels A La Clipped Clop Shrubbery-Au-Go-Go
Some Cardboard Boxes On A Rocky Outcrop
How's Everyone's Week Been? Inexplicably Complicated? Full Of Giant Setbacks? Lacking Any Real Over-Arching Logical Thematic Or Stylistic Aesthetic Direction? Yeh Mine Too
I live in Melbourne these are everywhere! The keep nocking down 18th century houses to make fugly duplexes like this
Wizard's Spaceship Marina Rocket Discoteque Pants Hot Tub Balcony Time Machine Post Moderne
Are Your Friends Hassling You To Have A Big One Tonight? But You’re Feeling A Little Too Dilapidated Castle... Why Not Stay In And Relax. You’ll Feel A Lot Less Overgrown And Smelling Like Something Died Inside You Tomorrow Morning
A Short Time Ago, In A Suburb Not That Far Far Away
Exactly The Correct Amount Of Quite A Lot Of Garages
Don’t Forget People... You’ve Only Got Til June 30 To Make Your Home Giraffe Ready
Incomplete Spacestationist Moderne
In N' Out Under Over-Deconstructionism-Ness
Cloudsome
Mix N' Match Tiny Hamptons Picnic Time Active Wear Tracksuit Pants Moderne
Sometimes The Biggest Risks We Take Are Those We Take With Our Hearts. Our Canopies. And All Those Other Bits. Everywhere
How do people in Melbourne get planning permission for s**t like this?
Stay Strong Old Fella... That Concrete Panel Wall Is Probably More Scared Of You Than You Are Of Him
Robot Winter Is Coming
The Correct Amount Of Massively Over-Scaled Balcony Addition
High Tight Brick Pants
Something Something Windows
1980s Beige Tubular Trouser Slacks Columns Giraffe Compliant Accounting Conference Centre Post Moderne
In Life, Most Things Are Half As Good As You Think They’ll Be 50% Of The Time
To be fair, it's a bastard of a lot, they were never going to make something both wonderful and workable.
And On The Eighth Day, The Awlmitey Created Faux Neo Baroque Open Roller Disco Porticos
This House Never Skips Column Day
The Correct Amount Of Miniature Grand Ceremonial Arch
Dude... You’re Looking Really Tired
Nuthin Ron With This
When Your Dating Profile Said “Homely”, I Didn’t Think It Would Actually Mean “Massive, Vacant, And Covered In Tatts”
It Helps Steer The Eye Away From The 50's Kitchen Table Laminate Facade
Look At You Four. All Dressed Identically. You Can’t Go Out Like That
How’s Everyone’s Week Been? Exciting With Lots Of Variety? Or Just Pretty Much Exactly The Same With Very Slight Shades Of Difference
Maison De La Razor Sharp Deep Space Accountant’s Lunchtime Workout Shellsuit Tracksuit Jumpsuit Pants Suit A La Angles De La Bangles
Wonky De-Chopped Sandwiched Double Setbacked Hard Drive Second Hand Business Suit Robot Moderne
Giants Also Need Homes
Adidas Tracksuit Pants Moderne
Business In The Front, Party In The Back
The Empire Sets Back
This is what's happening in my suburb. people knocking older nicer houses to build things that look like libraries or art galleries. Makes me sad and it's super wasteful and screams entitlement. Bricks are great and last so long and a lot of old houses were built so be well and just need some TLC To knock it down to get a modern look with cheap and nasty materials when you have a perfectly good house is nuts
When You Really Need A Haircut After Lockdown
Aqua Marina Moque Tudor Wizard
Maison De La Triple Ripple Elongated Bo Beep Mansard Fairy Prairy Princess A La Lovingly Tended White Rose Promendade
This would look a bit better if the three arches were huge windows, from ground to roof.
I Can Pretty Much Do This Job With My Hands Behind My Back
"We are the muses. Goddesses of the arts and proclaimers of heroes." "Heroes like Hercules!" "Honey, you mean HUNK-ules! Ooh, I'd like to make sweet music with--"
You Know When You Try And Assemble Something From A Box And You Always End Up With A Bit Of Some Type Of Roof Left Over At The End And You’re All Like "Hope That Wasn’t Important”
Facade Du La Kit Kat
Seamlessness-Ness
Exactly Correctly The Precise Amount Of Just A Bit Too Much Of Not Enough Of The Least Amount Of What Was Required... There
2021 Is Gonna Be All About Making Things That Look Like They Shouldn't Be That Complicated Look Slightly More Complicated Than Less Complicated Versions Of A Far More Complicated Version Of Their Most Complicated Self
Wavy Flagstone Spaceship Accountancy Surfshop Conference Centre Moderne
Like A Putrid Chocolate Milkshake
Are You Struggling To Go Beyond One Word Descriptors For Fugly Houses You Encounter?
The Best Amount Of Arches
If the railing matched the fence it would be a vast improvement.
Life Can Sometimes Feel Like You Are Dragging Yourself Up A Hill Sideways Wearing A Heavily Monotoned Concrete Render Suit Weighed Down By A Massively Oversized Entry Portico
We All Need A Friend Who's Always There To Temporarily Support Your Facade
Just Because It Looks Like A Giraffe Doesn’t Mean It Has
Kaptain Kraft Shingles Triple Stacked Soft Buttery Pastel Cheesecake Massive Garage Mcmoderne With A Side Of Unfinished Landscape Dressings
The Absolute Bare Minimum Amount Of Quite A Lot Of House
Gold Coast House Of The Year
My Mate Dave Has A Tyreless-Less Devotion To His Front Garden
Recycling is always good. The issue is the bare ground. It needs something - decking, paving (although that's bad for drainage), fake grass, anything
Name A More Iconic Intergalactic Retro Bricky Orangey Deep Fried Space Duo, We'll Wait
A Prickly Situation Waiting To Happen
That's just what I was going to write! The only thing worse than some of these houses are all the cringeworthy captions above the photos.
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Ok, there are a lot ugly houses here, I admit. But quite a few on the list are interesting, why do people hate creativity so much? And whoever made the list seems to have something against modern architecture in particular.
There were a fair few horrible faux regency and Tudorbeathan ones
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Some of those houses were totally fine, and some even looked good. OP clearly is columnoporticophobic.
Ryan, there isn't just one OP. They are copied from Instagram, some from years back.
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What's with all of the captions having nothing to do with the houses and sounding more like a SEO metatag than a useful description?
Daniel they are copied from Instagram. The titles are literally just a piss take of the houses. Bored Panda scrape content as they find it and paste it straight on to this site to make some money from it. Try clicking on the links under the pictures and it may all make sense.
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I, for one, think that, though I am "repelled" by some of these houses, there is a lot of imagination and determination being shown by these home owners. If you live in "cookie cutter" neighborhoods you are being "restricted" by someone else's idea of what your home should look like. Kudos to those who live outside the box.
What in the hippety-skippin’ hellfire did I just see? Mind boggling bad taste-arama on steroids? 😮
I actually liked about half of them. The rest were kinda "meh" rather than ugly. But then I've never been accused of having good taste.
They didn't even include this wonky house in the Melbourne city ugghhh have a look: https://www.realestate.com.au/property-apartment-vic-docklands-431986002
Oh how my brain hurts. So many angles, and tacky colors, and lack of windows.....breathe...and columns, and balconies.....and breathe.... and giraffes
That's just what I was going to write! The only thing worse than some of these houses are all the cringeworthy captions above the photos.
Load More Replies... Ok, there are a lot ugly houses here, I admit. But quite a few on the list are interesting, why do people hate creativity so much? And whoever made the list seems to have something against modern architecture in particular.
There were a fair few horrible faux regency and Tudorbeathan ones
Load More Replies... Some of those houses were totally fine, and some even looked good. OP clearly is columnoporticophobic.
Ryan, there isn't just one OP. They are copied from Instagram, some from years back.
Load More Replies... What's with all of the captions having nothing to do with the houses and sounding more like a SEO metatag than a useful description?
Daniel they are copied from Instagram. The titles are literally just a piss take of the houses. Bored Panda scrape content as they find it and paste it straight on to this site to make some money from it. Try clicking on the links under the pictures and it may all make sense.
Load More Replies... I, for one, think that, though I am "repelled" by some of these houses, there is a lot of imagination and determination being shown by these home owners. If you live in "cookie cutter" neighborhoods you are being "restricted" by someone else's idea of what your home should look like. Kudos to those who live outside the box.
What in the hippety-skippin’ hellfire did I just see? Mind boggling bad taste-arama on steroids? 😮
I actually liked about half of them. The rest were kinda "meh" rather than ugly. But then I've never been accused of having good taste.
They didn't even include this wonky house in the Melbourne city ugghhh have a look: https://www.realestate.com.au/property-apartment-vic-docklands-431986002
Oh how my brain hurts. So many angles, and tacky colors, and lack of windows.....breathe...and columns, and balconies.....and breathe.... and giraffes
