“Thanks, Dad. The Trauma Is Great:” 30 Things People Do Because Of Their Childhood Trauma
The traumatic experiences that you had when you were a child can massively affect your life as you grow up. If these deep-set issues are left unaddressed, whether by you or with the help of a mental health professional, they can drastically reduce the quality of your life.
The r/AskReddit online community discussed the things that adults do that they only recently realized were direct results of their traumatic childhoods. You’ll find their personal insights and experiences as you scroll down below.
Remember, asking for help is never a sign of weakness. If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health issues or have unresolved traumas in your past, consider therapy or counseling.
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I realized I’m toxically independent. I have an extremely hard time asking for help because I never had it.
I do not prioritize myself. Be it health, time, or necessities. Everyone else in my life is ahead of me in the queue. This makes me seem incredibly helpful.
Being helpful allows me to be present without being a target. Being helpful allows me to avoid my own problems because I'm too busy helping everyone else with theirs. Being helpful allows me to feel valuable instead of expendable.
The only time I ever really take care of myself is if I know it will impact my ability to take care of someone else. It's the only way I've found to make healthier choices, and it's still barely enough.
Overthinking. Predicting and preparing for worst case scenarios. Having a higher tolerance for situations while also falling apart over tiny things. Refusing to let people stand behind me. Lack of trust for others. Being very prepared for people to drop and leave me without reason or warning.
Oh I forgot to mention you develop a physical need to help others. You want nothing more than to make others happy to avoid or overcome ever feeling as you do. No matter what it costs you. And you hope that you can make up for whatever it is you did to deserve it all.
As we’ve covered on Bored Panda recently, you may want to seek professional help if your mental health issues are causing anxiety, and panic attacks, and disrupting your daily life. It’s important to recognize that mental health experts are often very supportive and empathetic.
Though therapy can help people deal with their past traumas, heal, and move past them, far from everyone sees counseling in a positive light. For example, some people are scared that their therapists are going to judge them for their experiences or decisions. According to ‘Thriveworks,’ people do not want to be perceived as weak. However, proactively taking care of your mental health isn’t a weakness. It’s quite the opposite.
Being hyperaware of anyone experiencing negative emotions in the room. Feeling someone else's anger or depression very severely and feeling as though I have to be the one to calm things down and keep the peace.
I keep saying sorry to every little inconveniences or anytime I feel like I’m bothering someone.
Yup. Only last week, I couldn't stop apologizing to station staff for getting stranded in the wrong city overnight. Three different employees had directed me to the wrong train.
Meanwhile, other folks are a tad skeptical about therapy as a whole. They might feel that counseling won’t solve their issues. Or that it’s simply an expensive way of talking about your feelings, something that they could do with their friends. This, of course, couldn’t be farther from the truth.
Therapy provides new perspectives that aim to reframe your past experiences, in order to empower you. If venting to your friends from time to time is all that it takes to solve all of your issues, then more power to you! But you should never assume that it’s the same as working with a qualified, experienced professional.
Something I do that I recently learned other people don't do is constantly pay attention to my surroundings. I listen for footsteps, doors opening and closing, people's voices, water running in the pipes, cars pulling into the driveway, on and on. As a kid I needed to know who was in my house and what they were doing.
yeah, being hyper vigilant of your surroundings. I've been told its getting stuck in flight or fight mode. you're constantly scanning for the threat, being aware of every tiny little sound or change in your environment, sometimes even for years after the original threat no longer exists.
Probably going to get burried, but because I was unwanted by my own mother, I now self sabotage almost all relationships in my life because "how long until I'm discarded".
I realised recently that a lot of the cruel things that were said to me have embedded themselves into my regular vocabulary under the guise of 'self-deprecating humor'.
Other people might be too proud to go to counseling. They believe that they should be able to solve their problems on their own. Still, others are simply scared of opening up to a complete stranger. Or they’re afraid of how their lives might change in completely unknown ways after they solve their issues from the past.
According to therapist Andrea Brandt, Ph.D., childhood trauma can stay in the body until it is processed. “The healthy flow and processing of distressing emotions, such as anger, sadness, shame, and fear, is essential to healing from childhood trauma as an adult,” she writes on ‘Psychology Today.’
Adrenaline dump at the slightest hint of conflict.
Adrenaline dump! YES Thank you. It’s exhausting. And when it lasts for days and I’m in that fight or flight mode just to juggle many things and keep everyone happy. The lactic acid sets in and I barely can move like I’ve just walked up a mountain
Self doubt. Need for affirmation. Can't take criticism well. I spent most of my life being a good test taker. Now I find it difficult to have patience with myself while I struggle to learn/pick up new things.
Not sure if this is just really weird, but at work whenever I ask for a day off, every job I've had, I had given a detailed description of why and the purpose of needing it off. Finally, at my current job l, my direct supervisor would keep telling me: "I don't need to know why."
I did some reflection and realized that, in my youth, if I didn't explain things as far as being absent, feeling sick, needing to go to the doctor; if I didn't have a good enough explanation, I was completely disregarded.
It got engrained in me to find the best possible reasoning behind nearly every choice I ever made.
The therapist urges people to recall the situation, sense their emotional and physical response, and attach names to the emotions that bubble up. “As part of a mindful approach to healing from trauma, we need to fully accept everything that we feel. Whether it’s true to your conscious mind at this moment or not, say, ‘I love myself for feeling (angry, sad, anxious, etc.)’ Do this with every emotion you feel, especially the harder ones. Embrace your humanness, and love yourself for it.”
After experiencing and embracing these emotions, you can try to work on letting the trauma go and casting off the events that wounded you.
I move very quietly. To the point that people joke that I can teleport because I'm next to them before they realize I'm there. I scare the people I live with just about every day because they don't hear me enter a room. I also used to be able to just walk up on so much s**t as a cop and prison guard because nobody ever heard me coming.
That's a skill you learn when you grow up not wanting to be seen or heard.
Something minor goes wrong because I made a mistake, I think it is all over, ruined and everything is my fault, I feel I should just go crawl into a hole and die.
Just thought on this again and I guess that’s why I like animal rescue videos, mother cats raising an abandoned pup. The after part, the transformation that some love and care bring. No one did it for me, but it warms my heart to see it done for another, no matter that they’re not my species!
I strive towards solitude in all aspects of life, if there is no one else around there is no one to betray my trust & hurt me. The older I get the more I realize I'm still very much a human being with a need for connection & friendship, with a brain wired to be untrusting. I keep most people at distance & my relationships tend to feel shallow. It's a problem I'm not sure how to deal with.
I(m54) always have it in the back of my mind that anyone who says they love me has an ulterior motive.
Or likes you. Or wants to be your friend. They are all met with scepticism in my book.
Literally cannot take a compliment without immediately self-deprecating.
Eating very fast... I'm in my late 30's and I still have this problem.
When we where given food, we usually had to fight siblings as there was never enough for us. At holidays, specific around Thanksgiving, I lost track of how many times my stepdad would get angry and throw the entire turkey dinner away. For good measure, he would spray the entire garbage can with bleach so we couldn't pick it out of the trash.
So when you got food in my house, you would eat it as fast as you could before it was stolen from you. Don't worry though, had mountains of Pepsi products though!....
I read people and situations. I can generally note someone's mood pretty quickly, not necessarily pin point what they are feeling of why but generally pretty close. People always tell me that I'm the first to notice when someone is feeling low or when something is wrong. I used to think I had some kind of gift for empathy until I realized that no, I have hypervigilance caused by years of feeling unsafe. I generally catch details that everyone else misses but can't remember 99% of the other stuff told to me or that I see unless I'm being self aware.
I have a naturally low social intelligence, and I should have the same in emotional intelligence. But put me in a room with strangers, and I will tell you who's been abused, and who is an abuser. It's not just hypervigilance, or so I've read. It was also never safe for us to develop normal emotional walls that block out stuff (that you'd normally start developing age 4-6). It was not safe to block out emotions; you have to have your anger-radar up and running at all times. I always unconsciously drop what emotional walls I do have, and vibe someone I'm going to have to deal with...sometimes a very bad experience, but sometimes I do find great people this way...
Getting overly attached to people way to quickly, which usually pushes them away and just destroys me over and over again.
Have guilt when spending any amount of money.
And making sure you have a little cash hidden away. The hems of curtains, for instance, come in very handy.
I recently had an epiphany that I’ve been self-sabotaging any potential weight loss goals I could achieve, like I could be doing well and be down a couple pounds, and then as soon as I see the physical results on my body I start binge eating lol. I know now it’s bc of an incident in my childhood that has made me really fear attention from men. Being overweight, wearing baggier clothes just make me feel safer in public.
Always be on the lookout for the nearest exit or easiest path to get away quickly.
Again, to some extend a good thing. If you need to find exit in a store where you stopped for drink on long ride, it is bit crazy, but learning where the fire exit is in your workplace is completely normal (at least I think so).
I people please at all times. I thought I was kind but I’m actually trying to be as agreeable as possible out of fear.
Maybe out of fear of rejection, too? I am genuinely kind (well, try to be) but it's also because I'm lonely and in difficulty to make friends.
Yelling and door slamming still gets me, at 37. Even if I know I didn't do anything wrong, a slammed door - even an accidental one - makes me jump out of my skin.
Also, speed reading. My mother "helped" me to learn to read. Her method was: one wrong word, one slap. I learned to read fast, so I can get away quicker.
The first one I absolutely relate to, but that second one, good lord.
Asking for permission to do literally anything, double-checking that I was doing the right thing, and always second-guessing myself. Like to an abnormal level.
TheLinkToYourZelda:
Yep. I'm 33 years old, make six figures, and when me and my husband are out running errands on the weekend I will ask his permission to go use the bathroom or to buy a drink or anything. It's ridiculous. And I know if people hear me doing it they will likely assume he's abusive, but nope, just 18 years living with an abusive father.
To this day I still sleep on my stomach. When I failed the 4th grade my dad was beyond [mad] at his son being a failure. He told my Mom to leave the house and had me drop my pants and take my whipping like a Man. He beat me so long and so hard that the belt cut into my flesh and there were chunks that were hanging loose. I literally had to take a pillow to school the next week to sit down on. The teacher was concerned so she called the principle, vice-principle and two other teachers as witnesses and had me drop my pants in the boys restroom. they were horrified but didn't report anything when I told them why I was beaten they told me to study harder to stop this from happening again. That was decades ago but I still sleep on my stomach and never fail at anything I try to do.
hope your dad died miserably and in pain, preferably by falling into a meat grinder at a pet food factory.
I had nearly zero control over my life for most of my childhood. Now I need to have absolute control over nearly every situation, specifically driving.
I chose not to have kids of my own because of the trauma my parents inflicted. That one I knew about.
The big one I didn't know about was masking. Always being afraid to show my own personality, likes, feelings, or interests because I subconsciously feared that people would use them to make fun of me and reject me.
I also have an aversion to obese people because one babysitter I had when I was 5 thought it'd be funny to sit on me until I couldn't scream anymore. She was about 300lbs.
Also not using spices on my food as an adult. Growing up in constant survival mode, food wasn't something I got to really enjoy.
I used to loathe physical touch.
After much contemplation, I realized I didn't trust anyone enough to make myself vulnerable, even for a hug.
I'm 50+ years old and never been a hugger. I stiffen up when someone gives me a hug, even people I've known for YEARS. I am not as bad as I used to be, but I still don't like being hugged. I was never hugged as a child, as far as I can remember.
If I'm relaxing, and someone walks into the room, I will immediately act like I was in the middle of doing something or about to start doing something. I have to be busy in the presence of other people. I also move around very quietly and shut doors softly without thinking about it. It was best to be invisible growing up.
The words "We need to talk" and "I need to talk to you" always freaks me out. My husband said it once when we were first dating and I suddenly burst into tears. Those phrases were always loaded and always negative, they were always prefacing me getting torn down emotionally about why I wasn't doing enough, being enough, blah blah. It's such a common thing to say to someone so sometimes I have trouble not freaking out to this day and I'm 40 years old.
yep, those words should always be followed with a short description of the subject you need, if you want to avoid the person you are saying them to having a pulse that goes through the roof. Don't just leave that person hanging there for a period to imagine the worst (being dumped, being fired etc.)
I cannot just sit and *be*. I took up crochet a few years back, and that helps. But my asshat parents (mom & stepdad) ALWAYS demanded I be doing something:
* hand washed dishes for a family of 6 daily
* vacuumed
* folded all family laundry
* swept, mopped, waxed kitchen floor.
* cleaned main bathroom
* my bedroom was expected to be clean 24/7
* I had to "entertain" my younger (by 6 and 8 years) brother and sister. I swear to christ I raised them. I would make up games to get them to help me clean. I would take them to the park. Make them lunch, sometimes we'd picnic. We'd play games. Most of the time I didn't mind, but I was NEVER ALLOWED TO JUST DO WHAT I WANTED.
Once, my mom was making dinner. In a rare "down" moment, I was reading a book up in my loft bed. Our house wasn't very big, but a few minutes in, there's my mom bellowing for me to come to the kitchen. I save my place, climb down, walk across the house, only to be told "get me a stick of butter out of the fridge." Like...b***h the stove is FOUR FEET from the fridge. Could you not make that journey? I'm not here to be your f*****g minion.
And that's why I have extreme issues with just "being." I feel that every minute must be filled with something productive, and god forbid someone else is "working" in the house, I cannot be still. I feel obliged to help, or I'm a lazy a*s.
Working on it all in therapy. Actually, looking back over the past year, I think I've made strides. Sometimes I get home from work and just lay on my bed playing a mindless game on my phone for half hour.
I have tried very hard to parent my kids in the most absolute opposite way. Their "down" time is not interrupted by me. I absolutely would never, ever, beckon to them from across the house to do something i could do in 5 seconds. :/ And I don't use them to be my house servants. Older kid DID have to babysit often when she was old enough, but just for the limited time between school and when husband I got home from work. We wouldn't enlist her to be our go-to sitter to go kick it on a Friday night.
Phew. I have a lot of feelings about this still, and I'm almost 50.
Raised in the same type of house. I could only rest IF my stepmother rested & approved me to as well. Still had to run errands for her, massage her feet (no joke), get her a snack, do the dishes after she cooked even though I helped her cook, etc. It developed a pattern of codependency I am still working through today.
Doing everything for everyone without being able to accept anyone doing anything for me. I only feel lovable and worthy if I am able to do things for others. Once that’s removed, what’s the point of me? And why would anyone do the same for me if I cannot provide the same, tenfold?
Now I have cancer and letting my partner take care of me without debilitating guilt has been awful.
This is as a result of my whole childhood being based around how I could make my mom feel better whenever she needed. Not her fault, she was traumatised too.
When you get stuck in that loop, just ask yourself this: "I get to feel pleasure when I help others, so why am I depriving them of the same experience by not letting them help me?". It is important to remember that rejecting a "pressent" that others wants to give you, even when done out of "politness" can feel like a slap in the face for them. So in many cases, the best thing you can do is just to accept their offer, and show some grattitude, and both of you will feel better as a result. Remember that there is such a things as the gift of giving, and that it does not just apply to you.
I try to answer questions and solve situations not based on what I think or want, but on what I think the person who asked them would expect or be more likely to appreciate.
Related: I also have a serious difficulty in making decisions. I must always weigh the pros and cons of everything and in the end decide what is objectively the best thing to do, that benefits most people and/or causes less damage. I never manage to choose what I personally and egoistically want, because I seriously DONT KNOW what I want.
Sometimes because of the impossibility to satisfy everyone or not discontent anyone my brain just crashes and I freeze on the spot.
When I feel like I'm being coerced, leveraged, ultimatum -ed or in any other way manipulated into doing something I have said a clear "no" to, I completely lose my s**t. I escalate the situation to maximum hostility. I basically DARE the person to "do their worst" and, in the moment, I actually feel like I'm enjoying the fight.
I was raised in a cult, and as a kid resistance was not met with violence or torture, but with persistent, never ending "reasoning" (propaganda) until I folded. That is until I was 12 and started flatly refusing. It got very bad for a bit, but ultimately this led to me being allowed to LEAVE as I was becoming a "bad influence " on the other children.
Something in my young brain just snapped into place. "If you dig in your heels and get nasty, eventually you will be left alone."
I've been trying my whole life to consciously modify this behavior. To choose other, less confrontational, more socially acceptable ways to deal with people I see as pushy, intrusive, or just too persistent. At 45, I'm pretty successful at this. But the whole "I'll burn it to the ground before I surrender it to you" defense is still, sadly, the default I'm always clawing my way back from.
I do this as well after being raised by a narcissistic mother and ending up in relationships with narcissistic men.
I've ruined multiple relashionships because I never believed they loved me. Its incredibly frustrating, deep down I dont believe I have anything in me that a person would fall in love with. So when they tell me they love me I get suspicious and upset and start sabotaging the relationship. I figure there must be an ulterior motive and that they are manipulating me.
Also, I only feel comfortable sleeping with heavy clothes on and multiple blankets. When I was a kid the man who abused me made me sleep naked and would sneak into my bed at night. Sleeping the way I do now is the only way I feel safe. I would guess it's a result of the abuse.
I'm insanely flinchy, like I get startled super easily. People try to jump out and scare me, and they laugh when I jump back. I wish they knew, as it hurts sometimes knowing why it always gets me.
I do the same thing. One of my friends who’s actually annoying scares me all the time like sneaks up on me and jumps me and it makes me hate her. She’s a good person and i love her dearly but i hate how she does that it kills me and i often have like panic attacks that i hide bc then she wants me to talk about it but i dont want to talk about with her bc i dont trust her enough and when she gets all sad i dont trust her but I can’t tell her its not her fault and I can’t tell her why. The other kids like to scare me too and so does one of my teachers “its fun to tease you ur so sweet” yeah ok thanks
Stepping away from persons of the opposite sex showing interest and being cold. Pretty much killed a few dozen potential relations with marvelous people. That's the result of being told years after years I wasn't desired as a child. Hard to recover and trust people.
I can't sleep naked. I literally cannot.
I wasn’t abused in that way, but I just can’t sleep naked either. See, I lived alone a long time, knowing that if there was an intruder, I was the only one who would have to deal with them/get tf out of the house and to the nearest safe place, and I sure as hell was not going to try to do either of those things in the buff. No damned way. Now I’m married, but my husband is such a heavy sleeper he’d sleep through the end of the world. So it’s STILL going to be up to ME to deal with an intruder.
I cannot have a snack if someone is watching.
I’m the same way if it’s an “unhealthy” snack. My trauma gets to decide what’s healthy or not but it’s usually extreme. Celery stalks? Yes you can have an audience. Potato crisps? Nope, grab a handful and eat them in the pantry. Candy for no reason? What are you thinking?? Eat that in another room and bury the wrappers in the trash.
I will suffer in silence because I feel I need help but also anticipate vitriolic reprisal if I ask for help in the wrong way.
I've been to therapy and am doing much better in that regard, but it still exists at the back of my mind.
The first time I asked for help for my depression, my mom actually showed of I needed help because she couldn't remember the last time she saw me smile. After seeing a counselor for the first time and my PCP discussing me with depression, we sat down with my dad to tell him. His response was what I expected: "I have worked my a$$ off your whole life to make sure you have everything you could ever want or need. I don't know why you'd WANT to be depressed. I have no sympathy."
My fear of men. My dad was always cold and distant to me and only talked to me when I f****d up. I just thought I got along better with girls, until I noticed I got utterly terrified everytime a grown man would talk to me, and how I could never hold a conversation with another guy. That’s one thing. That, and I have a horrible fear of change and risk, again, thanks to my dad.
Thanks, dad. The trauma is great.
Start sweating and panicking if I hear my husband doing chores (specifically dishes) while I’m still at work. We both wfh but he’s off 90 minutes earlier, perfect time for him to catch up on housework right? Apparently not. I hear it and go right back to my childhood, dad is in a hitting mood and on his way home so mom is anxious and angry at everything and slamming stuff around to get the house clean as fast as possible.
I only just realized this about a month ago. When I was a kid, I did poorly on a spelling test due to being sick. A couple days later, my mom found out about it; I was raised by my grandparents so she hadn’t been kept fully up to date.
At the restaurant when my mother found out about the test, she grabbed a fork and jabbed me hard in the side. My grandparents did pretty much nothing in response.
To this day, close to four decades later, I still spell random words in my head, because failing a spelling test was worthy of public stabbing.
I can’t have music up loud (like above normal speaking volume) and if I have headphones in they’re really low volume or I’m only wearing one earbud, just in case there’s someone trying to get my attention - I’m terrified of being called for and not hearing it. Also I apologise for absolutely everything and am a people-pleaser to a toxic degree.
Violent outbursts to high stress situations, inability to talk about past negative experiences without re-living those memories and having an emotional reaction.
I have a hard time giving my child the love that I feel inside for her. I don’t think she would notice, but I feel like I am holding back or keeping my distance sometimes.
Also, I feel like I only have so much bandwidth for human interactions. Like they completely drain me because I’m probably trying to be someone for them vs just being comfortable in my own shoes.
Binge eating. Cause I didn't have enough food growing up and my food was restricted when I had to stay at my dad's because they had all this food that we didn't have at home, so they couldn't understand why I was eating too much or hiding food in my pockets. I confronted my dad about it kinda recently and he said that never happened. Thx dad. Awesome closure, and we can move onto having an actual relationship now. Or not
Seeking out for attention and affection from women compulsively because I didn't get it from my mother.
And I'm choosing always the "broken" ones
Self-sabotage. The "broken" ones can't give the affection their partner deserves because they are dealing with their own trauma, too.
Skin picking.
I developed OCD from a traumatic experience as a child, and picking is my subconscious attempt at self regulation. I had to go through 5 therapists to actually get an answer as to WHY I pick so much.
I've gotten a lot better about it this year and I just hope the trend continues.
Money. I tend not to waste it.
**Bathroom Shy**. Meaning I have trouble going if people are in a public restroom or if i hear people talking outside the door. This stems from when I was a child camping my uncle took a pic of me pooping in the woods. They would bring that pick out every get together and laugh at it because they knew i was embarrassed by it. Good job guys.
Laugh at situations and smile uncontrollably when I don't want to.
This is me! It makes it so hard to have to tell someone you made a mistake and them actually believe you have remorse for it.
I assume everyone is secretly out to hurt me or against me so I insist on doing everything myself without help with little to no trust in anyone.
Same, because if something is perfect before your abuser walks in the room, you have to scramble to fix it before they see it. TBH, there were LOTS of times, after I was in my own, when I really could’ve used some help, but I still never asked for it. Too many people had told me to just call and they’ll come running, but when I actually picked up the phone and called them, they suddenly fell off the face of the Earth. So I don’t trust anyone’s promise to help me if I need it, because way too many a******s made empty promises and never intended to follow through on them, leaving me in the lurch, having to figure it out on my own.
I sucked my fingers until I turned 25 and then was comforted by my partner and started trying to heal and eventually stopped without realizing it.
As someone who had a traumatic childhood, I've noticed several ways in which the trauma has impacted my adult life. One thing I've realized is my constant state of hyper-vigilance. I'm always on edge, constantly scanning my environment for potential threats. It's like my mind is wired to expect danger at every turn, making it difficult to truly relax and feel safe.
Another aspect is the deep-seated trust issues I struggle with. Growing up in an environment where trust was repeatedly broken has made it challenging for me to trust others and form secure attachments. It's a constant battle between wanting connection and fearing betrayal.
Emotional dysregulation is another area where I've seen the impact of my traumatic past. I find myself experiencing intense mood swings, from feeling overwhelmed by even minor stressors to experiencing moments of deep sadness or anger that seem disproportionate to the situation. Managing and expressing emotions in a healthy way is a constant work in progress.
Lastly, I've noticed self-destructive tendencies that stem from my childhood trauma. There are times when I engage in behaviors that are harmful to myself as a way to cope or numb the emotional pain I carry. It's a difficult cycle to break, but I'm committed to finding healthier coping mechanisms.
Recognizing these patterns and understanding their origins has been an important part of my healing journey. Therapy and support have played a crucial role in helping me navigate and overcome the challenges that arise from my traumatic past. It's a ongoing process, but I believe that with time and support, healing is possible.
Never draw attention to myself. Also I don't like when people are loud. It triggers me.
Unless I can tell 110% that someone is loud because they are laughing/happy, loud people make me want to run and hide, because growing up, if Dad was yelling, it meant he was mad, and I could become a target for that anger just by being seen
My entire personality is conflict avoidant. Related to this, if there's an argument and people are shouting, i feel like I'm having a headache or a mini panic attack even if said people are strangers.
Zone out. It took me years to realise that it was disassociation and not just me being "a space cadet" I was zoning out when upset or having flashbacks.
Not remembering the majority of my childhood. Never feeling proud of my accomplishments. Over-independency to the point it affects my personal relationships. Hating everyone while trying to please them at the same time. Avoiding confrontation out of fear of violence. Weird fetishes as a result of SA, the list goes on
Never feeling proud of any accomplishments, because any tone you did anything praiseworthy, instead all you for was criticism, or comments about how much BETTER someone else did
Taking care of everyone else to the extent that i was essentially acting like a parent for them. I didn’t realize that this wasn’t normal till I had talked to a therapist. I had to take care of myself and siblings at the age of 6 and do everything my parents were supposed to do.
crying when i receive any kind of gift.
i was spoiled as a kid with the caveat that we were super poor. so every gift was really a guilt trip. my mom would buy me amazing toys then if i didnt play with them constantly it was “well i couldve spent that money on food” “a lot of kids dont have toys” “im doing this to make you happy” when id ask her to stop buying me things
Good parents make the necessary sacrifices that they have to make for their children. It is their responsibility. But some parents also choose to make unnecessary sacrifices at the expense of their children. They crave and need their childrens gratitude and happiness in order to feel validated. If they don't get it, they guilt-trip, because they are disappointed that they did not get what they wanted. It's all about them and not about you. It wasn't your fault that your family was poor. It wasn't your fault that your mother chose to prioritize giving you gifts that she couldn't afford. All her own responsibility, none of yours. I think you do understand that now, but it's still worth repeating.
I comfort all of my friends in all aspects of life. They literally all nicknamed me “dad” as a “joke.”
I also never get angry, I will make an infinite amount of excuses for peoples actions. Which is extremely unhealthy.
I didn’t realize I only do this to fill the void left in me by my parents lack of showing any emotions except anger. I was so focused on fixing the painful things I overlooked the things trauma caused that aren’t outwardly toxic.
I’ve become a pathological liar, and I don’t know how to get help for it. If there even is help for it, I mean I try not I notice the damage it causes, but I can’t seem to stop. I’m still young relatively, but I fear the damage is becoming irreversible.
I had a friend like this. Once I noticed what was going on I tried to help her to get out of the habit. If she was talking to me and told a lie the deal was she had to stop and admit it was a lie and then tell the truth. She trusted me a lot and so I got to be like her accountability partner. It seemed to help after a few months of practice with her every day life.
Vulnerability, I finally can be* (with the right people), but for years and years none, when you're used to being beat with any weakness shown you learn not to show any.
*And its amazing, finally understood there could never be anything real without it.
Perfectionism? My parents have been pretty strict to me for studies and it went to such extent that whatever I do I need to do it perfectly If I don't It weighs me down and i feel bad And the worst thing is When I work in teams, for eg I'd be a pressure on others because of this I'd like to work on it.
Asking my husband if he's ok all the time 😊
OMG, THIS! My BF is a pretty chill, stoic, quiet guy and I'm always trying to read his silence for any hints of him being upset or annoyed with me
I (28f) always just want to leave when s**t gets hard. Relationships, jobs, anything. Leaving instead of working through problems has caused a lot of problems.
Whenever I eat or drink anything, I feel like I HAVE to finish it. Doesn't matter if it's too much, or even if I don't like it, if I started consuming it, it must be finished. I never thought anything of it until I met my best friend. He'll leave a 1/3rd of a sandwich because he's full, or leave the bottom of a beer because he doesn't like it, etc. Once I thought about it, the fact that my mother ALWAYS told us we couldn't leave the table until we'd eaten everything on our plate(even if we weren't hungry) became engraved in me. I'm still struggling with it to this day and it makes things like buying snacks or even ordering at restaurants difficult because if I order too much or open something.....I'm going to eat it all still...
...and that is the path to becoming obese. Our body actually have a pretty good mechanism for regulating our food intake, but we have to listen to it and stop eating when we feel full. Eating that extra food, just because you put in on your plate does nothing good for your body. Of course you should respect your food, and especially the animals who's life was taken to provide you with the meat, and don't mindlessly poor masive amount of food on your plate all the time. So think a bit ahead, learn from your mistakes, and remember that it is ok to go for seconds if you did not put enough on your plate the first time around. If you constantly ignores what your body is telling you and overeat, you'll just establish a new, unhealthy, "normal" over time.
I used to try to "be who I needed back then" by being super reliable to the point that it was toxic.
Yep. Trying to rescue “the child “ you were over and over and over.
Language is full of tripwires for me. I cannot tolerate vagueness, because it has been used against me so much.
This has been my issue when trying to date/have a romantic relationship with other women. I NEED complete transparency and direct language about what someone wants and doesn't want, and vague indications and head games like "if you really loved me, you'd KNOW why I'm upset" make me furious!
For years after I would get groceries I would walk thru the kitchen and stare at all the food I bought.
I grew up food insecure so I have a problem where I will buy groceries and then try to eat as little of them as I can in case I run out of money. Food insecurity really stuck with me.
Trying to either keep people happy or stay out of the way. My mother has a short fuse and I always bend over backwards to keep everyone happy.
This one may not have wide appeal, but I don’t spend money on myself. My fiancé and I have a joint bank account where we both put most of our money for bills, rent, gas, etc. But I put like 90% of my checks in there, and never touch it for anything personal. Even things like food I’m incredibly stingy with myself, but if my fiancé asks if she can use joint for something I say yes 100% of the time.
I think this may come from a rough relationship I had through my highschool years where I worked 2+ jobs at once and if I didn’t take my partner out to dinner 5+ times a week she was mad at me.
That's super toxic. I struggle with guilt over spending money because like you, my second husband would say yes 100% of the time, even when we COULDN'T afford it, didn't pay my student loans or my credit cards (but swore he did), then blamed ME for our financial issues and left me for another woman over it
I just realized this while reading through the replies.
When younger, my dad would always promise to give me stuff I wanted (a game, guitar, drums, cellphone, clothes, etc.) But he would never come through, and I know he might have had economic issues now, but then, I just thought he forgot or it was just an empty promise, so now in my daily adult life I realized that I try to never get hyped up for stuff, or don't buy myself stuff that I like or want for no reason at all, and it's something friends have even commented about, when gifting me stuff, I just say a thanks and move on.
Whenever my partner is upset about anything or is just stressed about anything that's not to do with me I do 1 of 2 things. I shut down all of my feelings and do everything to make him feel better and squish down all of my own feelings or I get scared and upset and start apologising and making it all my fault.
Caused by a fear of abandonment and an explosively angry alcoholic farther. Who I love very dearly. He's got an addiction and as I've grown I see how hard he trys to quit. He wasn't the best dad, but he did his best. And that's all I could of asked for. And I'm honestly thankful for him.
I do this, but that's probably because my so-called partner has a TBI and no emotional regulation, goes from zero to sixty in a thousandth of a second. I hate being screamed at.
Welp, this week my new therapist pointed out that my eating disorders are a trauma response. I have issues with food scarcity and food-as-love as well as some contamination fears that may rise to OCD. And that's because of trauma, rather than congenital.
I relate to almost all of these so deeply. I wish I could be friends with everyone who contributed to this list. I feel like they are the only ones who could possibly understand why I'm considered "quirky"
I'm the same way, but instead of quirky I'm poison
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The funniest commedians had the most traumatic childhood. From decades of having to defuse a violent alcoholic parent without getting hit.
I relate to almost all of these so deeply. I wish I could be friends with everyone who contributed to this list. I feel like they are the only ones who could possibly understand why I'm considered "quirky"
I'm the same way, but instead of quirky I'm poison
Load More Replies... The funniest commedians had the most traumatic childhood. From decades of having to defuse a violent alcoholic parent without getting hit.
