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The world can be a scary place for women. A simple grocery run might be interrupted by an unwanted catcall, someone walking a little too close at night might be in a hurry—or might be a real threat—and that “friendly” drink from a stranger at the bar might not be so innocent after all.
Because of this, many women stay cautious around the men they cross paths with. On Reddit, they shared the kinds of behaviors men often don’t realize can either make them feel safe in those moments or creep them out completely.
Scroll down to read their thoughts, and don’t forget to join the conversation in the comments.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
I used to live in a city where a good chunk of people, myself included, got around via walking and public transit. I went on a lunch date and the guy kept insisting on walking me home. I get that maybe he thought that was the chivalrous thing to do, but that would mean this dude I had only met once, who was insisting on overriding my "no thank you", would know where I lived. I tried to say no thank you and leave and he just... followed me, repeatedly asking me where I lived. Even if you think what you're doing is romantic or chivalrous or for her safety, if you ignore her expressed no, that's going to feel unsafe.
My solution was to pretend I was taking the subway home and have him walk me to the subway station. Then I went down to the platform, waited a bit, and carefully popped my head back above ground once I thought the coast would be clear.
Bus driver who was eating his lunch by the station when I went down saw me come back up, did a double take, then looked all around before yelling "You're good girl, he's gone." THAT guy made me feel safe.
Strack Attack 3 months ago
This is unfortunately what men are taught, that it's the chivalrous thing to do. Nothing wrong with offering, but if the woman declines, then leave it at that.
BrunoVI 3 months ago
The problem isn't that men aren't taught it's the chivalrous thing to do; the problem is when they ignore the demands of the women.
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Kathy Kovach 3 months ago
I used to live in NYC. I used to take a cab home if I worked late. I would always have the drop me off a block or two away. Quite a few drivers would try to pick me up … I was all of 23-26 years old. Annoying but necessary.
Ron Man 3 months ago
Because he's not psychic? He didn't realize she was dodging the guy until she backtracked again and he realized what was going on.
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RELATED:
#2
Car left the road ended up in a ditch 20 feet down, tires sitting on either side of a very large root coming out from a tree that was an inch outside the passenger door. The tree was huge.
Two truckers saw the flying car path and pulled over. They were there to help if needed.
I was extremely lucky (long drive had dozed off) and assured them I was alright but definitely unable to move the car. I would wait for morning (was 3 or 4 am) and walk to get help. Me a 20 year old 100 pound girl.
Neither driver would leave, they stayed until morning and called a wrecker to come get me. They stayed until me and the car were on the road.
Neither driver trusted the other to leave me alone.
I was too naive to understand the sacrifice or even the safety that they provided.
#3
I had a fantastic interaction with a Domino's delivery driver recently. I usually step out on my porch when I know something's about to be delivered so my dogs don't lose their minds. When the driver saw me he said very loudly, "hi, this is Oliver approaching with a delivery from Domino's!" And he kept up a loud conversation, kind of narrating every move he made before he did it. It made me feel like he was aware that I could be uncomfortable with a man walking towards me in the dark, and he took steps to make sure that I knew he was there and that he wasn't trying to sneak up on me. That all made me feel pretty safe.
Gingersnap In Iowa 3 months ago
We order Domino's Pizza a lot. I think 🤔 if a week goes by and we haven't ordered they're calling me to check and make sure we're okay.
#4
One night I got off the bus at a not-common stop behind a male passenger, and we both started walking in the same direction. After a minute he suddenly turned to me and told me the street address where he was going so that I wouldn't think he's following me. I was very touched that he thought to do that. (Turns out we were neighbors :-) I don't expect most people to have that sort of awareness but it was very thoughtful and reassuring.
#5
I will give two examples of the same scenario both having happened to me.
Guy asked me out, I said no thank you, and he said “aw okay, worth a try, thanks for being nice about it” and never asked again, never acted inappropriately stayed cordial and friendly. I felt very safe, he took the rejection well, and moved on. He and I are still friends to this day, and his fiancé is such a lovely woman.
A different guy asked me out, I said no thank you, and he got pissy and wouldn’t take no for an answer and when I wouldn’t let up he said I was ugly anyways. Super uncomfy, and also if I was so ugly why would you be trying so hard to get me to go on a date with you?
Take no for an answer gracefully. No doesn’t need a reason to go with it, no doesn’t need to be elaborated on, and no shouldn’t need to be said more than once. Rejection sucks, but we ALL get rejected in our lives, and throwing a tantrum about it isn’t going to help you in the long run.
Saint_Zipcodus (oh / no) 3 months ago
This. What do they think a tantrum will do, change her mind?
Dan 3 months ago
The tantrum isn't for her. Hes trying to build up his own shattered ego.
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#6
I had to run for cough and fever medicine for my at-the-time toddler in the middle of the night to the store. It was empty minus a few employees, and two sketchy guys who kept chuckling and starting following me down the isles. I quickly used the self checkout and tried to leave without practically running, because they were waiting in the checkout area without anything to buy but we're staring at me still being creepy and laughing to each other. I was calculating how quickly I could get to my car, whether they would overtake me first, thinking I was going to die in a s****y empty parking lot.
The only employee I had seen up front was a tall college age kid who looked bored, but being scared and panicked, I missed that he was paying attention and he stepped between as I was leaving and these two AH's were trying to follow behind. He made up some excuse of how he needed to check their receipt, even though they didn't purchase anything, and they started cursing at him but couldn't follow so I ran to my car and locked the doors and left.
I came back a few more times during the day when it was safer to thank him, but I never saw that guy again. He saved my life that night and I got to go home to my kid. My kids are grown now but I still pray and hope he's doing well because he's an amazing human being.
K Barnes 3 months ago
If OP was that confident that these two men were going to literally k**l her in the parking lot then why didn't she ask an employee for help/call the cops instead of just going into the parking lot by herself? Great that the employee did stop them but why would she leave, not knowing that would happen, if she was that scared?
Sly Schlang 3 months ago
Scared brains don't always work properly. It's fight or flight.
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Laserleader 3 months ago
This sounds made up. If you get stopped by an employee for a receipt check you can ignore them and keep walking, so two deviant guys would know that. And a dissappearing worker you never see before or again is too deus ex machina.
#7
I'm kind of a "big scary guy" and our parking garage at work is huge, shared with other businesses, and I'm often in early or leaving late. If I see a woman walking alone I usually wait until they are in the elevators before walking over - and if I get to the elevators and there is a woman alone waiting I ask "mind if I share the elevator" or something to that effect. Never had a negative reaction and if someone ever said no I'd smile and just say "no problem.".
L P 3 months ago
Some years ago at work there was a man, (& his wife), who looked like the typical Eastern European bouncer. It sounds like a topic, but it's true, very sweet with his wife and very kind with me. Once he told me that at nights if there was any woman waliking alone before him for a while, he often changed his way because he knew how he looked like & didn't want to frighten anyone.
#8
I had a stranger follow me into a gas station after i was done pumping gas. This middle age man overheard our conversation of me telling the man no multiple times. The stranger was trying to ask me out and the middle aged man pretended to be my uncle. He walked me back to my car after i had paid for my energy drinks, and i couldn't thank him enough. Walking women back to their cars is a very kind gesture.
#9
I was tourist being physically blocked and harassed in the street by a person begging in a place where this sometimes happens to tourists, but this was extreme. A guy very calmly swooped in, eyeballed me and quietly said "walk that direction, now" and really rapidly distracted the man harassing me and got him to pivot so I was out of his eyeline for long enough for me turn and get away. He didn't raise his voice or escalate things, and didn't touch him, but he totally redirected him away from me. .
#10
About 10 years ago I would run the same 7 mile route at 4:30-5:00 AM before I went to work (so, dark out). About 3 miles from home I noticed a woman in front of me running the same direction at a slightly slower pace (I was catching up). I eventually noticed her constantly looking back at me and she seemed uncomfortable so I turned and took a different route home. A couple blocks from my house I noticed the same woman, again, directly in front of me. It was awkward and I felt like I was being a creep so I started walking. She noticed me and ran ahead, turning onto my block. As I rounded the corner she was standing on the porch directly across the street from my house, frantically getting the door open.
Turns out she was my new neighbor. I introduced myself to her and her husband later that day and we talked about it. We ended up becoming friends and ran together on occasion.
That event made me acutely aware of how fortunate men are to breeze through interactions with strangers without fear. Especially when alone.
Ever since then, I try to adjust my body language or demeanor when around women who are alone (elevators and whatnot). It still makes me uncomfortable.
#11
Being cognisant of how an unknown man can be in the middle of the night
I was walking home at 2am - backpack, dress and earphones (with nothing playing - that way I can hear what’s going on around but it’s a convenient excuse if someone tried to get my attention)
Suddenly I feel a hand on my arm. Jump back a meter and turn around
This guy also jumps back and raises his arms in “I’m not going to hurt you kind of way”
And then he apologises for bothering me and tells me that my dress has ridden up behind my bag and I was completely exposed
Poor guy was so nervous about scaring me but wanted to make sure I was safe!
Trillian 3 months ago
Girl needs better awareness. How can you not notice the a) your entire butt is out and b) someone got close enough to touch you?
The Other Guest 3 months ago
A skirt riding up is very different from having your pants drop. Even when it's properly in place you still get airflow around your thighs (especially if the skirt is knee length or shorter, and/or lightweight) so it's not always obvious that things have gone awry. Also some people naturally walk very quietly. Source on both: Me, who walked all the way from the restroom in the middle of the office, out the side door, to my car, and from there to a fast food place where I stood in line for several minutes before a kind soul let me know my skirt hem was caught in my waistband; and who has also unintentionally scared the bejeezus out of people who didn't hear me walk up on more occasions than I can remember.
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Laserleader 3 months ago
Umm. He should have said something or gotten in her field of vision long before touching a person.
#12
It was a little gesture but when I was living in Australia and using the train with a baby in a stroller, often men I didn’t know would lift up the front of the stroller and carry it over the gap between the train and platform for me to make sure my baby got over.
I always appreciated that. I think what made it have such a memorable impact was that I was married to an a*****e ahole who would have just walked off without helping me, and I had no family and few friends there for support and nobody knew about the a***e I was going through. But seeing that there was still kindness in other men helped me see him for what he was and eventually leave him.
Andrew Burke 3 months ago
I do this as well if I see someone needs help, but I do always ask before just blindly grabbing at the stroller
#13
Guy here. Had a roommate who followed a woman to her car from the local dive bar to "make sure she was safe." Thing is he wasn't actually a bad guy. We all had to stop him and explain to him that has not Batman. He will be perceived as the threat.
#14
I really really hate it when men physically block me or corner me to force me to listen to whatever they are trying to tell me. It happens to me at work a lot and feels like a huge power imbalance.
katiekat0214 3 months ago
I can't think of a time that any man has ever done that to me, but that said, I would not have hesitated to shoulder check him, and push my way out VERY pushily. What they're doing is all about power, control, dominance. At that point, it's Marquis of Queensbury's rules, and anything goes. Push them aside, get mouthy, do whatever you have to do, within reason and job etiquette, but let them know in no uncertain terms that that ish doesn't work. Bet you it will only happen the once, because then they know you're not a pushover, you're assertive, and you take no c**p from anyone. And you'll get more respect over time.
Tonja Jackson 3 months ago
Me neither and the job that I’m at now (for the past 36 years) is male dominate.
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TruthoftheHeart 3 months ago
Once they have stopped being polite and are invading your personal space just drop all your politeness tell them very firmly step back you're too close to me. Even a simple back up.
Julia Ford 3 months ago
Not everyone wants to be that person who goes to HR. No matter if it’s the right thing to do. No one wants to be labeled. This has always been a problem at work.
Load More Replies... Julia Ford 3 months ago (edited)
I never let myself get cornered. At work or anywhere else. I never back up, and just keep moving them backwards until we are back in an open space. They can follow my lead or walk away.
Laserleader 3 months ago
This sounds extremely weird and exaggerated for modern times, I get the feeling this person just doesn't like any confrontation and any guy approaching to would make her feel "trapped". If not then RUN no job should ever allow trapping or physically blocking someone.
Lyoness 3 months ago
Weird? Yes. Uncommon? No. This started happening to me in my 20's and now in middle age I have no problem telling men to get out of my personal space, but as a young woman it's intimidating. I'm guessing you were never in this situation, because your comment has the odour of victim blaming to it.
Load More Replies... #15
Once had an Uber driver, it was a share ride and the two back seats were occupied so I had to sit up front. The driver’s demeanor was so off and he looked so aggravated… yelling at traffic. When one of the passengers got out, I said I would head to the back and he said “Why? I’m not a creepy guy.”
Guys, when you say “you’re not a creepy guy” even with the correct intentions, you come off as a creepy guy and girls immediately have their guard up.
Ace 3 months ago
More importantly, if a women reacts as if you are being a creepy guy, stop and ask yourself why she's reacted like that. If you can work out what it was that provoked the reaction then acknowledge it and consider apologising for the misunderstood behaviour
Andrew Keir 3 months ago
Every day is a school day - especially when you're learning to avoid misunderstandings
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Bilja M 3 months ago
I had a taxi driver who kept asking me if I have a boyfriend. Made me really nervous. It was dark outside I was carrying a cat that was at the vet so I couldn't even run. I lied that I have a boyfriend and he said "if you do, why isn't he here with you?". I just kept on frozen fake smile, gave the wrong number in street and get lost ASAP.
#16
Omg, funny story; my (then 8 year old son) and I were shopping in Walmart one day. Some guy was kind of watching me, and walked down the same aisle we did. He tried to chat me up in the middle of the small appliances aisle amongst the blenders and panini makers or some s**t. My child was staring him down, then asked, loud as can be “why are you talking to my mother?!”
Dude tried to laugh and my son said “this isn’t funny!” I think the dude tried to play it off by saying “oh you have a good boy there” then ambled off. But I was cracking up.
Needless to say, my son got to pick out some cool Legos that day. And he continued the same vibe with all girls/women when he got older. (Both my sons are giants, gentle giants).
Lady Eowyn 3 months ago
You must be a very good man to raise a son so aware at that young an age.
#17
Suggesting for a first date, a guy you have never met before says: "hey lets cook dinner at my house!" or "lets do x at my house!". Absolutely the hell not.
Ellinor she/they/elle 3 months ago
First dates must ALWAYS be in a public place with at least 1 friend knowing your location and with who you are in case you suddenly "disappear".
Upstaged75 3 months ago
I dated a really sweet guy once and after the first date he walked me to my car and asked "is it OK if I kiss you on the cheek?". Some guys would probably make fun of him for doing that, but I thought it was perfect. He didn't just assume I would want to. 😊
#18
A man hit on me while i was on the public transportation (the train) the other day. i literally couldn’t escape. when i turned him down he proceeded to go back to his seat and stare at me until i got off at my stop.
stop hitting on us in spaces where we don’t have the option to quickly leave.
Ace 3 months ago
Stop hitting on anyone in the first place. Is there ever any situation, anywhere, anytime, that it could be considered acceptable to proposition a complete stranger? No, there is not.
DeoManus Argentem 3 months ago
Nobody would ever go on a date if it were unacceptable to ask for one.
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#19
Walking down the sidewalk alongside a stranger, and he shifted over so he was between me and the agitated-looking person we were approaching. Neither of us acknowledged it, but it definitely made me feel safer.
#20
I made a woman feel unsafe....... Just wasn't thinking.
Marriott world hotel, Orlando
Young woman gets on the lift and i follow in... i had just arrived for a conference and checked in on my way to to the room
... I'm a big guy 6ft 3" 250lbs and i had a suitcase rolling with me.
She presses "6" and i think "great, my floor too!"
She glances at me, i guess expecting me to hit a floor button?..... Then it hits me, she is now scared/on alert.
Of course, the elevator didnt stop at either 1,2,3,4 or 5...
The doors open at 6 and she walks out.....
Of course she turns right towards "Rooms"... Sigh
I follow and then suddenly she stops, like she got a phone call or had to check a message.... To the point, had i not been focused may have walked into her.
I was convinced this was a stall tactic (clever actually) and continued on my way, without even a look back..... I felt bad after.
Ellinor she/they/elle 3 months ago
I think that you should have said the "great, my floor too!" part out loud the second you realized it was making her scared.
Deborah B 3 months ago
In this situation, instead of "ladies first" off the elevator being the rule, the correct etiquette is to exit the elevator on your floor saying "This is me! Excuse me." or "Shall I go first?" and stride off briskly without looking back. The best thing to do is to remove yourself as a potential threat.
Chirp 3 months ago
Exactly right! I was in a hotel elevator and the man got off first at my floor and kept walking. It was obvious his room was on the same floor and by getting off first there was no concern that he might follow me
Load More Replies... Strack Attack 3 months ago
To be fair this wasn't really your fault. However, being more open about going to the same floor would have helped, and when you stepped out of the lift, you probably should have just lingered until she walked away.
#21
I’m 5’10”, 36, and married, so not in a position to deal with dating and not subject to the kind of street harassment that a lot of younger and more vulnerable looking women get.
But I like when I’m on the local walking trail and men passing me going the other way do the eye contact and nod thing - acknowledging each other as people.
Also when men (well, honestly, anyone) walking their dogs give them less leash slack when passing. Even if it’s the friendliest dog in the world, it’s better for all parties and also reassuring that risk analysis is, like, present, and they are taking steps to ameliorate risk.
Anything that shows awareness of impact on the world and conscious thought put into it is reassuring. Like, a local restaurant owner I know is a deeply angry person. He doesn’t yell where I’ve seen and his kids seem happy, and ways I know he channels his anger are adding more vegan options to the menu, figuring out how to make bourbon, and massive art projects to be set on fire.
Debbie 3 months ago
I've had a dog. My sister was often annoyed by him jumping up - it could damage her clothes or maybe then dirty. We ofcourse tried teaching the dog not to jump. 20 years later. I've never had a dog since. My sister now has a dog, and I like to wear nice clothing. The roles are reversed, now her dog is jumping and I'm afraid of dirty dogpaws...
#22
Driving reckless after an argument. Especially with the kids.
Graham_Illegal 3 months ago
My ex-girlfriend did this all the time. Whenever she was stressed or frustrated about anything, she drove like a maniac. It scared the ʇᴉɥs out of me.
#23
I was standing on escalator minding my own business and there’s no one around me. Suddenly man walked from behind, what I thought that was to pass me, but no. He just stopped to stand on the same stair I was at. I looked around and he was just staring at me. I started walking up immediately. It was so intimidating and scary!
Why would you invade my space like that?! Was that a half a*s attempt to start a conversation? I don’t understand why would anyone do that except to scare women….
Nils Skirnir 3 months ago
Only tell them if you know them well or if it’s a safety risk. Otherwise, don’t look and move on.
katiekat0214 3 months ago
Me being me, I would have gotten SO LOUD and SO mouthy at him, and made it clear he was being disgusting and off and inappropriate. I would have put up a WALL of words, noise, and disapproval and just launched it at him.
#24
When I’m alone with a stranger, like a Lyft driver, and he immediately starts talking positively about his wife/girlfriend. Definitely takes some nervousness away!
Andrew Keir 3 months ago
I'd suggest that he doesn't have to be gay to be a good person.
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#25
I once told an old boss he was being aggressive because he was standing over me and yelling. He proceeded to go “I’m not being aggressive, I’m in Davey-mode.”
If someone tells you you’re making them uncomfortable you should probably stop and ask what you’re doing that’s making them uncomfortable. I never trusted that man ever again with anything.
#26
Not realizing that "just a joke" about my body or appearance doesn't feel harmless. It sticks and feels unsafe.
#27
Staying quiet when they should speak up. It makes it look like you agree with what's happening to us.
#28
I don't like when men gang up on women. I've been at some events where after a few drinks men team up and make jokes and give each other looks that they think we don't see - it gives off really scary vibes.
And there's this feeling of them ganging up against you sometimes - examples are when they just argue with you over anything even if it's factually incorrect but they will join their fellow men in this even if they know they're incorrect - just to be on the guy's side. Sometimes it's not even their friend - they just met. That group mentality amongst men when you're alone with them as a woman makes you feel outnumbered and like you couldn't trust them.
H Daven 3 months ago
Literally saw this playing out at work tonight. Young and drunk guest came in disoriented and walked right into a couch of middle aged men that immediately started "just sit by me", "no, me!". I walked over and asked her to join me at the desk. The men immediately stopped and she later thanked me. Didn't do it for thanks. Did it because some men are gross and I'm an age and gender confusing enough I have more power, now.
Janet C 3 months ago
Unfortunately MOST men are gross. Most men deny that but it still remains true.
Load More Replies... Nils Skirnir 3 months ago
If you’re a woman and find yourself alone with a group of men in a bar or party situation - leave.
moggiemoo 3 months ago
I used to be part of a group of male regulars at a city centre pub. We treated people with respect, to the extent that the bar staff would direct any women feeling uncomfortable to join us. Any number of times 1, or more, would walk somebody to their bus stop or a taxi. They were safe.
Load More Replies... #29
Safe = standing up to men who make misogynistic comments about us.
Ellinor she/they/elle 3 months ago
Yes. If I notice a man being silent when his friends makes sexist comments, it's over for me. (works also with homophobic and racist comments)
Andrew Keir 3 months ago
Unfortunately, one has to assume that silence is consent - or , at least, cowardice.
Load More Replies... #30
Was at a bar waiting for a show. I (guy) noticed a girl's tag was sticking out. Tapped her shoulder and told her.
She thanked me, and later said "thanks for not flipping the tag in yourself" at which point I'm thinking "wtf would I ever even consider that", she caught my confusion and said that some guys will do that....
#32
I was at a concert with my husband one time, and we were in the fringe part of the crowd but still in the mix. I was vibing, getting lost in the show, a particularly rowdy song came on, the crowd goes nuts, and I started getting pushed, I slightly stumble backwards and feel that my husband had positioned his body in a way that I wouldn't have fallen over. He was on guard so I could get lost in the vibe.
Another time, when I was a teen, I was at a concert, in the middle of the mosh pit, and I started to get smothered. Like, I had never gotten lost in a mosh pit before, my feet are coming off of the ground, and im just being pushed and crammed in between people.im starting to panic but can't do anything about it. Im literally lost in a sea of insanity.
Suddenly, I feel two sets of hands reach through the crowd, and I see two larger dudes grabbing my elbows and shoulders. They pulled me to them and safely escorted me out. How they could see that I was struggling was beyond me. They walked me to the edge of the crowd and then valiantly fought themselves back to the middle of the pit.
Kathy Kovach 3 months ago
Similar situation at a bar. I’m short and I was getting bounced around, then some guy flung himself such that I fell and landed on my knees. As I thought about how I’d be able to get up, two guys grabbed me under my arms and lifted me back up. I took a mosh pit break at that point!
James Anthony 3 months ago
If you're a veteran of the mosh pit, and any flavor of good person, you have your eyes peeled for situations like that.
#33
I freak out if someone intentionally blocks my way out.
Like, that's when full panic kicks in.
So, if that's your last pathethic attempt to get my phone number or flirt with me. No. You blocked my flight now I have to fight you and it will make us both uncomfortable.
Andrew Keir 3 months ago
First person to resort to physical action, deserves to lose. Any contact - or just blocking movement - is physical action.
#34
When they get offended if you want to apply basic safety practices to them. Women do it too. None of them seem to realize that they are telling on themselves.
Katja Katze 3 months ago
Unfortunately, there is no such thing as excessive caution. There are people who, fortunately, have never experienced anything terrible, and people who would never do anything terrible. Some of these two groups believe that protective measures are excessive. I don't sit in the back of a car with two doors. I'm afraid of being trapped. I don't shake hands, I'm afraid of being held/clutched. I don't post pictures of myself and my house online. I don't have Facebook.
Load More Replies... #35
Safe: Waiting until we are inside, like completely through the front door of our home, before driving away after a date.
Unsafe: Yelling at their pet(s) when they didn’t do anything wrong.
Katja Katze 3 months ago
These general things don't work. There is no catalog. Please just ask: Should I wait until you are in the house? Would you like me to walk you to your car? Is it okay if I hug you? And please just accept “no”. Without discussion. Explained in this example here: When the date was weird, I felt pressured, he forces me to let him drive me home and then he watches me until the lights come on, it scares me terribly.
Upstaged75 3 months ago
I just posted on another one, but a guy I was dating asked if it was OK to kiss me. I thought it was incredibly sweet and polite.
Load More Replies... #36
When a guy offers to walk his female friend to her car, it's a tiny thing but it makes her feel safe.
This panda says ur worth it 3 months ago
I actually have a similar story where a male friend and I were out getting a drink together because it was my birthday. We are in like 8th grade at the time and a couple of boys from our school walked in to the same place. I was a bit uncomfortable because I was in middle school and kinda anxious and so when I didn’t respond my friend recognized I was uncomfortable and just said like I don’t think she can hear you she has her headphones on. It made me feel a bit better knowing they wouldn’t keep trying to talk to me
Alan Jay Weiner 3 months ago
Guy was quick on the uptake. I'm obtuse; wouldn't have thought what to say until a week later..
Load More Replies... Ron Man 3 months ago
Then he wouldn't be a friend, would he Lee? This is saying when a friend offers.
Load More Replies... #37
Men don't realize how much we notice where their hands are when they're near us in crowded spaces.
Ol' Stevie 3 months ago
As the saying goes: In god we trust. Everybody else, hands where I can see them.
#38
When I tell a person that I don’t want to drink too much and they keep making comments about how it’s okay, he might even get me more drunk then I was with him previously, especially when I said, “no, thanks not going to happen, that was really unsafe, I’m not going to do that again”. Nahhhhh you’re not listening.
katiekat0214 3 months ago
Younger me, because I'm a violent little badger in my heart of hearts, would often turn this into a power game. Now older, I just don't care. If they're not listening, it's time to walk away anyway. They're not good people; they're not a good friend; they're not trustworthy; and they may try to spike your drink, then SA you. Drop them, and no loss at all. And energy saved.
Upstaged75 3 months ago
It's amazing how little you care what people think when you start to get older. I supposed that's wisdom, but life would have been easier if I'd felt the same way when I was younger.
Load More Replies... #39
When they keep talking to me despite me giving clear signals I'm not interested.
Ace 3 months ago
Sadly your "clear signal" may be falling on blind eyes. It's not just a cliché, many men really are not very good at picking up body language and other cues, it's not (always) their fault. They're not ignoring your signals, they just have not noticed them.
Katja Katze 3 months ago
Talk to a woman like you would talk to a man. You tell the person you are talking to that fishing is the best sport. He replies that he doesn't fish and turns away. No man here would continue to talk to the guy or pursue him to get him to go fishing. The answer was clear and legible to the man. You meet a man at a barbecue party. Would you grab his a$$? Force him to drink a beer with you? No? Right, because you're not gay. You have no se3xual interest in him. And from now on, when you meet women by chance, you treat them exactly like that: as a person you get to know, without any s3xual motives.
Load More Replies... katiekat0214 3 months ago
But ARE they really oblivious? I question that. I get what Deborah B is saying, and agree, but I also know that at times, it can be all about power, dominance, control, and they know what the signals are, and they just don't respect you or any other woman enough to HEED those signals. My antennae are always up for power plays. And I have contingency plans to recoup my power, safety permitting. Often, though, men don't see a power play coming, and disrupting them and pulling the rug from underneath them is highly satisfying.
#40
When I hear comments like "she asked for it" heck it doesn't matter the gender there it just makes me feel unsafe period.
#41
Asking me to go on a first date somewhere remote, like the forest or to their house.
They offer me rides as well which I think comes from a good place but I always have to say there is no way I am getting into a car with someone I don't know. For all I know they could be a bad person or they drive like an absolute loon.
Just edited to add-
I live in Rural Wales and LOVE camping/hiking, I just would never put myself in that vulnerable position of allowing myself to go somewhere where I could easily be overpowered and hurt as a first meet up. I live near some incredible mountains I wish I could take first dates too but I am not opening myself up to the awful potential of that situation.
Even pepper spray is not legal to carry in the UK so here it really does come down to - can you physically hold off your attacker?
I'm strong and could definitely put up a good fight, but I wouldn't be able to fight/run/hold him off for HOURS.
Ellinor she/they/elle 3 months ago
Small tip, pepper spray is illegal but not spray deodorant. Same effect but it's fully legal to carry that in your bag.
Multa Nocte (she/tiger quoll) 3 months ago
Are you allowed to carry spray for wasps or something like that?
katiekat0214 3 months ago
Wasp spray is completely legal everywhere. It sends a very straight shot for many, many feet. Highly recommend.
James Anthony 3 months ago
The forest? People actually do that? Even if they're not being a creep, that just screams "clueless", lol. "Hello stranger, let us go to THE FOREST"
#42
Asking for my number before trying to have small talk with me.
#43
Unsafe: Stand way to close, like I have literally had dudes stand so close to the point where their shoulders are touching mine, and this isn't in a crowded space this is just...Out in the street.
safe: Just...Not being weird about women. It's cliche advice, but just treat women like people. I don't know how exactly to describe it, but with some guys, you just immediately get that vibe that he doesn't see women as people, so for a guy to NOT be like that, it makes him feel like a safe person.
katiekat0214 3 months ago
I'm assertive, and I've been known to say "You need to back up" and then if they don't, I'll take a step back. After that, I would not hesitate to put a hand on their chests and push them back, hard. I'm all about keeping my very large space bubble, and I own that I have a VERY large space bubble. Please, do be at arm's length or even a foot more back, that's comfortable.
#44
The women here have made it pretty clear some of things men can do to make them feel safer, so I will just add a little thing that I do as a man:
When a female friend leaves my house after hanging out, especially at night, I watch from the window until she is all the way in her car with the door shut and the engine running.
I do that for any guest leaving at night, but I’m especially vigilant about my female friends and family members. I don’t live in the roughest area in the world, but it sure as hell isn’t upper class suburbia either.
Tobias Reaper 3 months ago
I used to go with my friend to her bus stop after work we caught the same bus home i normally got off before her she had to get off in town and walk through town to her bus stop. I used to walk with her to the bus stop and wait with her until the bus came and i wouldnt leave until she was on the bus and it had left. Then i would text her to check if she got home ok.
#45
Unsafe the moment a man raises his voice at me. My dad rarely yelled at me, so when some man does so quickly my nervous system sees it as a huge threat. At the very least they can't regulate their emotions.
Dusty's mom 3 months ago
Same here. I had to be assertive with my now-husband. Just low, forceful "Don't talk to me with that tone." I never yelled at him, so he got the hint. He's a great guy. Learned to realize I wasn't an argumentative person. Yelling just ratchets up the situation.
#46
When I was 20 I was on a cross country flight on my own and had the middle seat….because last minute trips are fun! I had iced out the middle aged dude on my right by putting g headphones in and reading a book on my kindle. As we were descending the sun started to come in through the window just right to make it impossible to see. The guy in his late teens on my left just casually sat forward until his head cast a shadow over my screen. I glanced over he gave a little half smile and we both went back to what we were doing. Dude had a good chunk of social skills for a teenager.
Ron Man 3 months ago
Why not just ask the guy to close the blind? From this story, the 'middle aged dude on my right' that the OP 'iced out' did absolutely nothing but exist.
Wyrdwoman 3 months ago
You're not allowed the have the blinds down when taking off or landing.
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Strack Attack 3 months ago
What exactly did the middle aged guy do? Not a damned thing by the sounds of it.
Tobias Reaper 3 months ago
yeah i missed that what did he do besides exist
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#47
How you carry yourself matter. If a guy is calm, respectful, and aware of his surroundings, women pick up on that instantly. But if he’s careless, like making crude jokes or not noticing how others react, it can feel like a red flag.
katiekat0214 3 months ago
I once got the ick with a custodian who worked at my school. Something about the way he carried himself just set every nerve on edge. He was just too loose, too physically all over the place for my liking. Never inappropriate, but I found myself always inching away from him, because he just took up too much space physically and was also just too loud. Very possibly an introvert/extrovert thing, too, but I was happy when he moved on out of that school.
#48
Safe: waiting until I go inside my house before leaving, continuously asking if I’m okay with something BEFORE doing it (I don’t think it’s annoying; I find it really sweet).
Unsafe: touching me in any way without asking (like moving me aside with your hand or nudging me), staring (even in a ‘joking’ way unless we’re really close), continuously talking even after I make an attempt to shut down the conversation or I remain silent after trying to shut it down.
#49
My stress levels rise straight to the top when men yell because they are angry. That could be while building a set of ikea shelves, because they made a mess, because someone did something they didnt like, because your sports team missed a goal...
My exhusband had no emotional control, he'd start yelling about anything, 10x a day at least. So any time a deep voice is booming angrily that's where I go of there's no actual safety threat. Never needed to scream to get a cargo net secured over a load in my truck, I just don't understand the need for it but it's the fastest way to get me feeling unsafe and fighty myself.
katiekat0214 3 months ago
I've done this a few times where I could, and it always worked out. I got louder. I got even more agitated, made a super awkward scene, and out-crazied the crazy. Along with getting louder, I also moved around more and took up more space. It's all and always about power, dominance, control, and ripping that away from them.
#50
Rabid eyes. I'm not sure how else to put it. Sometimes they just stare other times they approach but I don't even have to be facing those eyes and I can feel them searing into me.
Understanding "Not interested/No" but ignoring it.
Following me. That's happened a few times. Yeah that makes you feel very unsafe. I have action plans but still there's no guarantee when you just don't know what you're up against. Fortunately, neither do they.
Bilja M 3 months ago
I will never understand how every man does not understand that following a woman makes her terrified! It's not cute or flattering, ever! It's scary.
Dusty's mom 3 months ago
The song and movie "Pretty Woman" give totally wrong info. Try finding mutual friends who can introduce you. The old fashioned methods still work.
Load More Replies... #52
I was on closing shift after a wedding. Usually we were there til 1am but the guy I was on with wanted to go out to town after we finished so him and I worked super hard to finish early.
Got out about 12:10, and drove home. About half way, in the middle of nowhere, my car lost power. I had pulled over to the side of the road and had my blinkers on. I was standing at the roadside in the pitch black, calling roadside assist when a car slowed down and parked a bit away from me. I was nervous, didn't know who I was gonna encounter on the road at that time of night. A guy started walking up to me... turns out it was the guy who I had closed with, on his way to town to meet his friends. He waited til I made plans with roadside assist, then took me all the way home. About 45 minutes of his time. I'll never forget that. He was only young, early 20s. He could've driven past and pretended he didn't see me, but he was a true gent.
#53
When a guy lowers his voice and keeps his distance if he sees me walking alone at night - that tiny act makes me feel safe instantly.
#54
When men walk past without staring or making comments. It feels like a breath of fresh air.
greenideas 3 months ago
This is where ugly privilege kicks in. You become invisible, which can be a good thing.
#56
I tell any of my friends to call me if they need a ride. Gender irrelevant. I do it for my daughter who is 22. I know people can get themselves into bad situations unintentionally and I’d like to be there to get them out.
Being a friend/dad means being there when it isn’t always convenient.
#57
Being aware of us.
I was once filling up my car and there was a lot of commotion that started. There was a group of homeless that showed up and one man had some items roll under my car, so he was asking permission to grab it. This was all late in the night when I get off of work. A kind man who was at the gas pump next to me also saw the commotion, and when I turned to ask him if he wouldn't mind staying there for a second, he was already alert and also watching. He gave me a knowing nod and waited until I drove away. I was very grateful.
#58
If whendating the man can wait for me to initiate touch then I feel safe. Knowing I can spend time with them and not be touched feels very safe.
Nils Skirnir 3 months ago
Or at least ask. This is a tough one though, because most women I’ve known expect men to initiate things and think you’re a wimp if you don’t. Just read a lot of the Icks about non-manly men in other articles. So just ask.
#59
When they refuse to walk away when we say no, it is not an invitation to "try harder" or "convince us because we really meant yes". If we say no, thank you, believe us, and move on.
#60
If I tell you I’m not interested in giving you my number, please just stop. I shouldn’t need to write a novel for reasons to get you to leave me alone. .
Lady Eowyn 3 months ago
Just give the number of a business. Before mail order pharmacies, I had memorized the phone number of several of them. Or the police non-emergency number.
#61
Is wildly unconfortable when a man put his hand on our waist for no reason.
katiekat0214 3 months ago
Once I was traveling in the UK, and 99% of the time, I'm a quiet American, since I'm quiet anyway. I was in a shop, and this guy put BOTH hands on my waist to move me. I absolutely shouted, "NO TOUCH" and glared. He had the audacity to look all hurt, so whatever. Several older women smiled quite openly at me. Eff his feelings. I was very happy to make a scene. I was even happier he backed off and took his hands off me immediately.
#62
Talking about how much stronger men are than women. Especially when that is a reasoning behind their argument- I was talking to a man and he claimed ‘women can’t do labour jobs’ and I argued back and the two boys I was alone with (who were my in-laws and yes I feel safe with generally) basically were just talking about how much stronger men are and suddenly I realized that my continuing the conversation could really only lead to them trying to prove it to me, and I told them I was uncomfortable and let’s move on to something else but they really just wanted to keep discussing why women are physically weaker. Now I don’t believe either of these boys would hurt me but I was just astounded that they didn’t understand the implications of sitting around and drinking and then talking about how women are weaker than them, when there is a singular girl there. Like guys are you serious right now? AND I have asked for us to move on and you won’t?
#63
Touching, like random, be it friend or coworker or guy you just met, why are you comfortable touching my waist, my face, or had a sample where I just met him and he stood behind me and tried to give me a shoulder massage... that is f*****g weird. Also, an a*s slap is a reason for a face slap, due to an equal exchange. Had many classmates who normalized grouping girls' a*s just cause "they are boys". Deserved their hands cut, cause "I am girl".
Jokes like women are dumb, "wHaT WaS ShE WeArInG?", "I am saying YOU should know how to protect yourself, it is for YOUR GOOD, not the institutions duty, men are men." after cases where women were molested or killed but they reported the guy XX times to the police and they did nothing. Sexual jokes, jokes degrading women, especially their girlfriends or wives, predatory talk disguised as a joke.
katiekat0214 3 months ago
That's when I've gotten super serious, and just stared at them for a very long time. Make it super awkward. Tell them, yeah, I have a sense of humor, and you just aren't funny, which also offends their ego. Then just leave if you possibly can. They are not worth your company, or anyone else's.
#64
Once I was out with my dog at night, not many people were out. We were stopped in the grassy curb area, and a man was walking toward us on the sidewalk.
As he passed, he just said, ‘good evening’, and kept moving. He didn’t look at me, he didn’t stop for conversation. He didn’t expect a response, or reaction from me. He kept moving as if I wasn’t there.
That small gesture showed me he was considering how I may not be feeling safe, and even that awareness helped me feel safe.
#65
This guy from my class once saw me walking to class on the side of the road and offered a ride when it was pouring rain out. He started out causal, but got increasing upset that I would rather walk a mile in the pouring rain instead of just getting in the car.
Turns out, he was offering the ride to my twin sister, who had never met him. .
UKGrandad 3 months ago
It's poorly written. The guy knew the OP and thought he was offering her a lift. He couldn't understand why she refused as it was pouring with rain, but it turned out that he wasn't aware that the OP has an identical twin, and it was the twin he was offering the lift to.
Load More Replies... #66
Initiating a hug with someone you just met or don’t know particularly well. Going in for a hug when you’ve offered a handshake. Always uncomfortable.
katiekat0214 3 months ago
I'm all about backing up, then putting a hand on some man's chest, and LOUDLY saying NOPE, I don't hug. If he even tries the, "Aww, what's the matter? I'm a hugger," I'm quick to say, "Not with me you're not." And stand my ground. And then start throwing hands if he tries again. No means no, and I'm just so not ever down for any male stranger touching me. I do not care about your intentions at all whatsoever. Keep back arm's length or more.
#67
Slamming doors/objects really loudly in front of you.
katiekat0214 3 months ago
Once with first husband, a cop, he started doing this. He had done it once or twice before, and even then in the 90s, I knew it couldn't be a good sign. So I just flipped out, started slamming things around, getting even louder. Never had that problem again. I also slammed my fist into a door frame, grabbed my keys, walked out, and said not to expect me back anytime soon. It's always power, dominance, control, and for us, ripping that away from them.
#68
Unsafe: staring A LOT, bonus points of creepiness if it's done from a distance
Safe: just being friendly without trying too hard to seem a cool guy.
#69
When he tells me he voted for Trump. Pass.
#71
Walking behind us at night without crossing the street or saying anything. The footsteps alone make us panic.
#72
Listening without trying to fix everything, kindness to service workers, remembering tiny details, and doing chores without being asked. Quiet confidence beats loud bravado every time.
#73
Safe - being the designated driver if anyone’s tired, sick, or intoxicated by chance.
Unsafe - the same bonehead almost getting us pulled over bc of road rage.
This is all 4 of my brothers unfortunately.
#75
The way my husband hugs me. I can’t explain it, but I’ve never felt more safe than when he has his arms wrapped around me.
Mimi M 3 months ago
I've seen that form used in literature and it is fine.
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#76
Being too persistent. I know they think we want to be chased, wooed and shown we’re wanted desired or whatever I get that but…
What men don’t understand is how frequently we are harassed everywhere where boundaries just aren’t respected and we HAVE to be assertive because the gentle approach is ignored.
Were sent unsolicited advances and intimate photos of men on social media, grinded up against in a club and even when we move away they follow, the list goes on and on and while there are a lot of men who wouldn’t take that next awful step.
1 in 3 women have experienced it and that’s just the ones we know about.
We’re really not trying to be over sensitive or spoil the fun. We miss the days of innocent fun and flirting and all that too but we’re at much higher and more frequent risk than decent guys realise.
#77
Safe - open body language and a genuine smile. Things like clenched fists and furrowed brow make us feel unsafe.
#78
When you choose to sit or stand close to me when there’s many open seats/space further away.
#79
So far most of the unsafe things have been things that most men know are unsafe, and that's why those guys do them.
Like.. I don't dress up like a clown and hide in the park at night putting lipstick on balloon animals because it makes children smile. The point is to freak out my ex Nancy when she finds out she left her sunroof open overnight.
katiekat0214 3 months ago
This sounds way too specific, like it was written by an unsafe guy, who really, really needs to move on and get over Nancy already. She said no, dude. Let it go.
#80
Gentlemen, as long as you're not actively presenting yourself as a threat, it's not your job to "make" a woman feel safe or unsafe. If she feels unsafe in that situation, that's her problem. It's her job to assess you fairly and regulate her own response. Sometimes she's going to assess you unfairly and respond as she sees fit (and sometimes that could mean a rough experience for you if her response is disproportionately intense to the actual threat you pose).
You don’t need to tiptoe through the world as long you're exercising common decency, and you don't have to put up with being treated like a threat if you're not being one.
katiekat0214 3 months ago
I don't buy this at all. It's blaming women for wanting safety. It's blaming women who may have PTSD, or who have been SA'd and who are on high alert at all times due to real physical a***e, not to mention emotional a***e as well. Men have privilege. Use that privilege to make women feel safer however you need to. It's not on women to get over it, or brush it off. This sounds way too victim-blamey.
What do you think ?
Luke Branwen 3 months ago
As a guy, I like reading posts like these for two reasons: 1) it reassures me there are still cool men around, and 2) I can use them to learn what to do and not do. I had a brief awkward "Nice Guy" phase when I was a teen, thank God it was only brief and I'm genuinely trying to learn since then.
Andrew Burke 3 months ago
As a guy I like them for those reasons too, and as a father of two young ladies making their way in the world I like them because of some of the tips (like the bug spray one) that I can pass on. (And probably annoy them cus they probably "know all that" and I'm just annoying them by worrying too much!
Load More Replies... Lee Gilliland 3 months ago
Most of the bad ones wouldn't be a problem if men put themselves in our shoes routinely.
Nils Skirnir 3 months ago
Old men pretty much experience similar. Especially when walking or jogging alone.
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Serena Myers 3 months ago
Most men are thoughtful, kind, helpful, even at my advanced age (or perhaps because of it!), it's the small minority that are dangerous.
Dusty's mom 3 months ago
Because of them, we must have our guard up against all. Too many women lose their lives from one little slip up.
Load More Replies... Bilja M 3 months ago (edited)
I was on Vacation and my hotel was near the end of one way street. This man lived at the beginning of same street. He would appear every time I go out to to to the town and talk to me. I was ok with talk but he kept inviting me to his house. I said I could go to the local coffee shop in town, maybe, during the day but not in the night to his house. I was single woman in foreign country, I could easily disappear no one to notice for days! He refused coffee but insisted I come to his house. The more I avoided him the more he appeared whenever I left my hotel. During last few days I was really trying not to ruin my own vacation by sprinting in heels and dresses every time I would left the hotel. He never followed me, but he was always there. waiting. Made me feel unsettling. Not the way to approach a woman.
T'Mar of Vulcan 3 months ago
I'm glad I live in South Africa. YMMV, but most men (of any ethnicity) are polite and friendly. Also, I'm not pretty, which I'm sure helps (I'm not hideous, just a plain person). I've been walking around by myself and came across crowds of black men (we capitalize the ethnic group - "tribe" - not the colour) and didn't feel in the least scared. I can't imagine what it must be like to be scared of men all the time.
Luke Branwen 3 months ago
As a guy, I like reading posts like these for two reasons: 1) it reassures me there are still cool men around, and 2) I can use them to learn what to do and not do. I had a brief awkward "Nice Guy" phase when I was a teen, thank God it was only brief and I'm genuinely trying to learn since then.
Andrew Burke 3 months ago
As a guy I like them for those reasons too, and as a father of two young ladies making their way in the world I like them because of some of the tips (like the bug spray one) that I can pass on. (And probably annoy them cus they probably "know all that" and I'm just annoying them by worrying too much!
Load More Replies... Lee Gilliland 3 months ago
Most of the bad ones wouldn't be a problem if men put themselves in our shoes routinely.
Nils Skirnir 3 months ago
Old men pretty much experience similar. Especially when walking or jogging alone.
Load More Replies... Serena Myers 3 months ago
Most men are thoughtful, kind, helpful, even at my advanced age (or perhaps because of it!), it's the small minority that are dangerous.
Dusty's mom 3 months ago
Because of them, we must have our guard up against all. Too many women lose their lives from one little slip up.
Load More Replies... Bilja M 3 months ago (edited)
I was on Vacation and my hotel was near the end of one way street. This man lived at the beginning of same street. He would appear every time I go out to to to the town and talk to me. I was ok with talk but he kept inviting me to his house. I said I could go to the local coffee shop in town, maybe, during the day but not in the night to his house. I was single woman in foreign country, I could easily disappear no one to notice for days! He refused coffee but insisted I come to his house. The more I avoided him the more he appeared whenever I left my hotel. During last few days I was really trying not to ruin my own vacation by sprinting in heels and dresses every time I would left the hotel. He never followed me, but he was always there. waiting. Made me feel unsettling. Not the way to approach a woman.
T'Mar of Vulcan 3 months ago
I'm glad I live in South Africa. YMMV, but most men (of any ethnicity) are polite and friendly. Also, I'm not pretty, which I'm sure helps (I'm not hideous, just a plain person). I've been walking around by myself and came across crowds of black men (we capitalize the ethnic group - "tribe" - not the colour) and didn't feel in the least scared. I can't imagine what it must be like to be scared of men all the time.
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