35 People Share The Most Surprising Things They Learned From Getting Divorced
Sometimes the universe hits us with a curveball that seems impossible to fully recover from. Divorce is one of those things that can shake the ground under our feet and expose our deepest fears and vulnerabilities. Not to mention that it fundamentally alters the trajectory of our life.
However, we humans are often more resilient than we think and can come out of dark moments stronger than before. A good example comes from the Reddit user BondEmilyBond. They recently posted a question to the platform, asking divorced folks to share the lesson they took away from the experience. Here are some of the most upvoted replies they've received.
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How content I could be on my own. Never having to compromise throughout the mundane moments because you are living alone is very freeing.
The person you married is not the same person you divorce.
It's often a sobering realization that people can change in ways we never anticipated.
Despite common misconceptions, the last few decades have seen a decline in such stories.
In 2000, a total of 944,000 divorces and annulments occurred, and the crude divorce rate was 4.00 per 1,000 population during that year. By 2021, it had fallen to 2.5 per 1,000 population, with just 689,308 people divorcing that year.
(Interestingly, the marriage rate has declined too, dropping from 8.2 per population in 2000 to 6.00 per population in 2021.)
I expected to be heartbroken but mostly just felt relieved.
Was deeply heartbroken for longer than I would've liked, but the relief arrived and has lasted much longer than the heartache. Time heals, but it takes, um, time.
Not me, but my dad and I once had a conversation about it. Basically he was pissed that he lived with 4 women and the top of the fridge was always dirty. ( He's 6'2" and the only one who could see it) he said once he was on his own he realized he should have just cleaned it himself.
“It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you don’t care who gets the credit.”
That I actually wasn’t the problem and how much of myself and my energy got diluted and stolen by him.
I felt even more lonely when I was married.
That the person I thought was the love of my life and soulmate could be so unbelievably cruel.
I always thought my older girls would one day resent me for getting divorced from their dad. 20 years plus later they told me it was one of the best things I ever did for myself and for them.
Both my parents are each twice divorced (once from each other, and each from a 2nd marriage). I applaud and am proud my mom eventually stood up for herself each time. Not so much for my dad for cheating on mom. His 2nd divorce was from my ex-stepmom cheating. He was livid about it, but still mad at my mom for divorcing him. Hypocrite.
How quickly I recovered financially without my ex’s complete dependence on me instead of helping to support the family.
How starved for love and affection I was and how much confidence in myself I had lost.
I am not the same person I was almost 6 years ago. A part of me had to die for the rest of me to flourish and see how bright the world truly is. It isn’t the end of the world when divorce happens, it’s the beginning of a new adventure!
I’m also shocked at how long a bag of Doritos lasts in my home now. And they are all for me!
It hurts like hell even if you should have done it years ago.
How much calmer I am. I had turned into a nasty person always yelling at my ex for not cleaning and doing basic chores for himself. I did not want to be a mom to a grown child who had yet to realize he was an adult.
Life is much more peaceful. The silence after was worth it.
That none of our friends believed that my ex was abusive. He was a covert narcissist and was extremely charming. I never knew who he really was even after 25 years.
Two things - you never know what goes on behind closed doors, so don't judge - second: - I had my own covert who become malignant after heart surgery (apparently realising their own mortality can trigger this), now as strange as this is going to sound it helped when I heard - 'if they're charming out there and cruel behind doors, they know what they're doing' (because they're turning if 'off' and 'on' at will )- OMG!!!! seriously?! I'd always thought that he gave his best to everyone else and his worst to us but it still never clicked how deliberate it all was - I don't know why knowing this makes it better (?) it seems as though it should make it worse but it doesn't.
He was able to feed and to take care of our daughter all by himself too! Who would have seen that coming?
That you can survive on your own. A lot of time is spent wondering how you can make it on your own after so many years together. You can do it and it can be better on the other side.
That relationship PTSD is a thing. I have a hard time even forming new friendships with people, much less trying to date.
That it's easier to be content with your life when you aren't feeling hurt, used, or ignored.
A lot of the people you think are your friends aren’t. If you met them through your spouse they may drop you like a hot rock when you divorce. Do not become too invested in other people’s families. You can watch their kids, be there through illness, attend weddings and funerals etc and 20 years later they might act like they’ve never met you. Mind your own and let them mind theirs.
No partner at all is worlds better than a bad partner.
Pretty much how awesome life can be with a caring, kind, supportive spouse.
I had no idea how bad I had it until the old one abandoned ship, and I met the true love of my life.
How easy and cheap (for us free at city hall, a small lunch for the best man and maid of honor) it is to get married, and how time consuming and expensive it is to get divorced.
Shouldn’t have been surprising, but “It takes two people to keep a marriage together. It only takes one to tear it apart.” A therapist taught me this, which was revelatory. It helped me to stop believing there was some way I could save it, even as my partner was trying to actively sabotage it.
Not from my experience, but having children with your ex means you're not really rid of them, ever. They will always be around unless the children choose to remove them from their lives at some point. That includes the extended family, too, so it's a package deal at every event. It's not like they magically go away after the kids turn 18, though you do get to deal with them a little less.
This is why I'm so happy I had the sense to divorce before we had kids. The choices I've made are looking more and more like I may never have a family, but I don't regret it because shared custody with him would have been an absolute nightmare.
You know, I remember at one point in my marriage thinking "I guess this is just how it works." After being unhappy for so long, it just seemed like the normal.
But I've definitely found out that no, it's not how it works! A relationship can be happy and supportive, without you feeling like you have to do all the work!
My brother and his partner are both survivors of toxic marriages, and they are loving how it turns out when both people are giving
Our friends were really his friends.
Although the situation sucks there are many positives that I wouldn’t trade and I’m thankful for. One of those is the realisation of how loved and valued I am by my friends and family. I have been more loved and supported over the last year than during my marriage but I am so thankful for each of my friends and family.
One side of it is usually already moved on by the time the words "I want a divorce" are uttered leaving only one of the two people involved to be destroyed in the moment, and having to move forward while dealing with the dissolution of the legal side of things.
In my case I had a fun year of grieving before I finally filed. I told my (now ex) husband and he got so excited to be on his own and go visit all the national parks within about 2min. See, he had "left" in all ways but moving out over 15yrs before. He was actively trying to sabotage things the last 3 or 4 years I just didn't get the message right away.
What a giant, time consuming, inconvenient and expensive pain in the a*s it is to change your last name.
You have to provide a complete paper trail of what your last name has been since birth, you have to handle the name change itself with different governmental agencies in a very specific order and if you’ve married more than once and don’t have any of your original certified documentation… it’s gonna cost ya to get those. Birth certificate, marriage certificate, divorce decree, passport, etc. You have to have original or certified copies to do this.
It was BRUTAL during Covid.
Then there’s changing your last name at the bank, anything remotely financial (add notarization/medallion signature costs to any paperwork).
*Then* there’s all your other minor accounts that have your old last name on it- stuff like retailers, car rental agencies, state toll road accounts, various websites you’ve done business with.
Never again.
I didn't and wouldn't change my name. My name is important to me and it was under my name i achieved brilliant things i never thought possible, like getting my degrees and my masters in my 40s, becoming successful after leaving school at 12 to work as a cleaner, to finding someone who loved me and was proud of me. All that happened with my last name. I wouldn't give that away.
Lawyers are expensive.
Yes, and in many cases, they're the only ones who benefit from divorces.
How many men I knew that wanted to date me lol.
Never been divorced but people should know that a prenup is not a rock solid contract.
Made her sign the right before the wedding? She was under duress and the prenup is now null and void.
You give up a lot of yourself in a marriage.
Not just emotionally and physically. But the day to days.
For instance. My ex wife was a Goo Hoarder. Soaps, Perfumes, Lotions, Shampoos, Conditioners, make up.
You name it. For 7 years of my life I Never needed to buy deodorant, Or Shampoo, Or Body Wash, Or shave lotion, or hand soap.
The first problem I encountered after getting divorced was when I went to go buy my own goo. I couldn't find a lot of the brands I liked from my marriage. God knows where she got them, and none of the scents I used before my marriage even existed anymore.
So I had to figure out scents, and experiment with my sensitive skin, and gauge price all over again. It was figuring out a me I didn't know anymore.
Fighting doesn't end once you're divorced, it can get worst. Now there is no bond to put a stop at how far you can escalate things.
In my case, I decided to stop fighting two years after the divorce. When my ex tried to pick a fight over stuff that should have been ancient history, I told him we could sit down and discuss it like adults but I wasn't going to listen to his insinuations anymore. He decided to stop talking to me altogether. I have no need to stay on his good side anymore. He can hate me if he wants, but I don't have to take the bait.
That the majority of our problems came down to poor communication and probably could have been resolved if we had gone to therapy while we were still in love. He suggested therapy when we were talking about divorce, but by that point I was too far gone and I knew it. I simply had no motivation to try to make it work anymore. Now eight years and two years of individual therapy later, I see my own mistakes better, and a lot of it came down to the fact that we were simply too young and inexperienced. Despite knowing this, I also know that he wasn't right for me and I'm far happier alone. I was afraid I might regret leaving, but I haven't. Not even once.
My ex-husband did the same thing, suggested therapy when I said I wanted a divorce. But I'd suggested therapy 2 YEARS before the divorce. He didn't want to do it because (according to him) the therapist and I would just get together to make him the bad guy. By the time he was ready, it was too late for me.
Load More Replies... Has anybody noticed that the bored panda points just froze and don't add up any more? (Just asking, I just noticed with mine). I would not bother BP support with this.... (Not relevant for this thread, I know. Sorry!)
@trollingergirl ~ Yes, I noticed awhile back, and also that notifications only work sometimes.
Load More Replies... Finally have a good job that allows me financial independence. No more accepting his paternalistic degrading 'benevolence' ... Still need a ton more courage to uproot my children's lives though ... Working hard on a solid exit plan ...but I'm terrified
Your children will likely end up thanking you for it. Best wishes to you
Load More Replies...
That the majority of our problems came down to poor communication and probably could have been resolved if we had gone to therapy while we were still in love. He suggested therapy when we were talking about divorce, but by that point I was too far gone and I knew it. I simply had no motivation to try to make it work anymore. Now eight years and two years of individual therapy later, I see my own mistakes better, and a lot of it came down to the fact that we were simply too young and inexperienced. Despite knowing this, I also know that he wasn't right for me and I'm far happier alone. I was afraid I might regret leaving, but I haven't. Not even once.
My ex-husband did the same thing, suggested therapy when I said I wanted a divorce. But I'd suggested therapy 2 YEARS before the divorce. He didn't want to do it because (according to him) the therapist and I would just get together to make him the bad guy. By the time he was ready, it was too late for me.
Load More Replies... Has anybody noticed that the bored panda points just froze and don't add up any more? (Just asking, I just noticed with mine). I would not bother BP support with this.... (Not relevant for this thread, I know. Sorry!)
@trollingergirl ~ Yes, I noticed awhile back, and also that notifications only work sometimes.
Load More Replies... Finally have a good job that allows me financial independence. No more accepting his paternalistic degrading 'benevolence' ... Still need a ton more courage to uproot my children's lives though ... Working hard on a solid exit plan ...but I'm terrified
Your children will likely end up thanking you for it. Best wishes to you
Load More Replies...