Ancient Greek mathematician and physicist Archimedes famously said: “Give me a lever long enough and a fulcrum on which to place it, and I shall move the world.” While this is technically true, it is virtually impossible (probably for the best – let the world stay where it is). There is one thing though that can literally move the world, at least your personal one. And that thing is music. Have you ever noticed how the worst of days can suddenly become so much better once you listen to a good song? Music has a very specific power to make everything right, and we really should use that power more.
Having worked with musicians quite a bit, I can assure you that they do like a good music joke. And not only general band kid humor. Most bands have insider band jokes about that time they played that gig or that time they had to improvise because the guitar got unplugged in the middle of the performance.
You don’t have to be a professional musician to understand jokes about music, and that’s probably the best part. My favorite type of music jokes are song puns, where you can add a letter to the song’s name and turn it into something completely different and hilarious. You should definitely try it. Make a list of all your favorite songs and see how you can change them with one letter to make them sound funny.
What other types of music puns have you heard? Have you ever told a musician jokes about their profession? Or maybe you are a musician yourself? Enjoy this collection of music jokes, and tell me about your favorite one in the comments.
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
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How do you make Lady Gaga mad?
Poker face.
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Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
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What song do vampires hate?
'You Are My Sunshine'.
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How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
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Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
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What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
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A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.
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Kids shouldn’t watch the orchestra.
Too much sax and violins.
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My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".
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How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
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What kind of music do bunnies like?
Hip Hop.
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What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.
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What’s green and sings?
Elvis Parsley.
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What do you call an elf that sings?
A wrapper.
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What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.
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I knew Ice Cube when he was called Water.
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A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
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What genre of music is the national anthem?
Country music.
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I heard you lost your classical music CD. But don't worry, I've got your Bach.
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Does music make you wonder?
It certainly made Stevie Wonder.
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What’s a cars favorite kind of music?
A traffic jam.
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Did you hear about the new music group Cellophane?
They mostly wrap.
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Where do music loving cats go to for vacation?
Sing-a-purr.
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What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.
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Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.
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How do you make a million dollars singing jazz?
Start with two million.
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How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
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What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
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What’s a cat’s favorite subject in school?
MEWsic.
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What’s the most musical bone?
The trombone.
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What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
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Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
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As a musician, I’ve learned the best way to win a Grammy is to not release your music in the same year as Adele.
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Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.
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There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.
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What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.
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An orchestra was hit by lightning.
Only the conductor died.
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What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.
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What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.
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My neighbors are listening to great music.
Whether they like it or not!
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What's the best Christmas present in the world?
A broken drum, you just can't beat it!
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What’s the difference between an oboe and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up an oboe.
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Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
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What’s an avocado’s favorite music genre?
Guac ‘n’ roll.
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What do clarinetists use for birth control?
Their personalities.
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What's the difference between a folk guitar player and a large pizza?
A large pizza can feed a family of four.
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What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.
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What concert costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
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Musicians? Oh yeah, we think outside the Bach’s.
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I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it!
You never know when you might need a nail.
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I had gotten a coupon for 50% off an Arizona Ice Tea yesterday.
After I bought the can and opened it, I suddenly heard a bunch of beats and rap music coming out of the can. I was really confused at first, but then I realized why. I had gotten 50 cent Ice T.
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I was listening to music, and it suddenly stopped.
Spotty-Fi.
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How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio.
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Which music bands do bees love best?
The Bee-tles and the Bee Gees.
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Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
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What kind of musical instrument do rats play?
Mouse organs.
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Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
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Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
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Which elf was the best singer?
ELFis Presley.
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Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.
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What makes music on your head?
A headband.
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What part of the turkey is musical?
The drumstick.
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What is the musical part of a snake?
Its scales.
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Where did the music teacher leave his keys?
In the piano.
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What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
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Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
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How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
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Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”
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What musical keys do cows sing in?
Beef flat.
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Want to hear the one about fermata?
Wait, it’s too long.
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Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.
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A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
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Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.
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Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
A little old lady.
A little old lady who?
I didn’t know you could yodel.
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How can you tell if a soprano is at your front door?
He can’t find the key, and doesn’t know when to come in.
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What did Jay-Z call his wife before they were married?
Feyoncé.
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What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
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What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
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I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.
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What does a harmonica and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
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What’s the definition of an optimist?
A harp player taking out a mortgage.
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What kind of band doesn’t play music?
A rubber band.
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I’m so sick of people thinking they can just waltz into my room when I’m listening to music in 4/4.
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What’s the difference between a piano and a tuna?
You can tuna piano, but you can’t piano tuna.
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What's the difference between terrorists and accordion players?
Terrorists have sympathizers.
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Which one of Santa's helpers was the best singer?
Elf-is Presley.
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What sort of music does a mountain like?
Rock.
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The pop music industry is very eco-friendly,.
They keep recycling the same four chords.
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Marine biologists have discovered a group of killer whales that keep on meeting up and playing music together.
They called it an orca-stra.
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Knock knock!
Who's there?
Benjamin.
Benjamin who?
I've Benjamin to the music!
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Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide?
He didn’t even leave a note.
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What do you call a pianist who throws trash everywhere?
Litterachi.
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A drum rolled down a hill.
Ba-dum tsssh!
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A musician should never B flat, sometimes B sharp, and always B natural.
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What do you call a germ that composes music?
Bach-teria.
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What do you get if you cross country music with rap?
Crap.
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The guy at my local music shop asked me why I'm always coming in to buy new harmonicas.
I told him "I blow right through them".
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What type of soap did the composer use?
Anti-BACH-terial.
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What do you get when you put a radio in a fridge?
Cool music.
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What’s a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby!
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Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
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What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
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Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.
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What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
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What makes songs, but never sings?
Notes.
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What’s big and grey with horns?
An elephant marching band.
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What is a skeleton’s favorite instrument?
The trombone.
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Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
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What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
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Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.
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What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
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What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”
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What has a neck, but no head?
A bass.
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How can you tell if a singer’s at your door?
They can’t find the key and don’t know when to come in.
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Who is a grain harvester’s favorite musical artist?
Hall ‘n Oates.
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Do you like live music?
Of course, I like live music. Dead music has body, but it doesn’t have soul.
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What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
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Arnold Schoenberg walks into a bar…
“I’ll have a gin please, but no tonic.”
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What’s a golfer’s favorite type of music?
Swing!
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Why did JS Bach have so many children?
Because he didn’t have any organ stops.
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How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.
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What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
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What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
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What is a cucumber's favorite instrument?
A pickle-o.
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Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
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What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
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Why are violist's fingers like lightning?
They rarely strike the same spot twice.
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What's a pirate's favourite instrument?
The guit-arrr.
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Why does Jay-Z love Christmas so much?
Because of all the wrapping.
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I don't think wind turbines like classical music. They're big metal fans, though.
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Arnold Schwarzenegger is starring in a movie about classical music composers.
He'll be Bach.
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Who is a grain harvester’s favorite musical artist?
Hall ‘n Oates.
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A music critic told me I wouldn’t know music if it hit me in the face.
I knew a friend that had that experience. He’s in the hospital, because he was listening to hard rock.
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How do Halloween characters listen to their music?
ScarePods
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What is an AI's favourite music?
Algorhythms.
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What does music do when it goes for a walk?
DubSteps.
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Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
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What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
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What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
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What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
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Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
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What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”
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What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.
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Why was the former conductor of the Berlin Philharmonic always first off the plane?
He only had Karajan luggage.
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Which computer brand will win the Grammys?
A dell.
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The biggest difference between the Super Bowl and the Grammys.
The Eagles have won a Grammy.
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My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.
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My friend spends 75 percent of his time playing football and the other 25 percent playing Baroque music.
He’s a quarterback.
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Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.
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What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.
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What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.
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What do you get if Bach falls off his horse but has the courage to get back on and keep riding?
Bach in the saddle!
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What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
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What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
A tattoo.
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What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
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Why can't you improve the efficiency of wind farms by playing country music around them?
Because they're really just big heavy metal fans.
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My friend writes music about sewing machines.
He's a singer songwriter, or sew it seams.
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What genre of music do Czech bands play?
Prague Rock.
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Why shouldn't you trust string instruments?
They can be lyres.
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