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It takes new experiences and other people's input to understand how your life experiences fit into the context of society as a whole. What you grew up thinking was ‘normal’ might be anything but, for good or for ill. In some cases, the events that happened to you can be so bizarre or traumatic that they can require years of therapy and healing to come to terms with them. Other times, it might be society that has normalized toxic behaviors and approaches.
Some internet users vented their frustrations and opened up about their painful pasts in a thread in the AskReddit online community. They shared the things that they realized were really messed up about their families and society overall, only when they got older. Scroll down to read the stories we’ve collected for you, Pandas.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
Punishing children under 10 for showing up to school late when they rely on their parents/siblings to get them there.
sbj 11 months ago
Being smacked at school most mornings when I was 5yo because I wasn't wearing the correct under garments, this was at a Catholic school in England 1970's, and I never told my parents
Paul C. 11 months ago
Catholic schools run by Nuns in Ireland were the worst, I believe. My MIL had her nose broken by a Nun who threw a wooden chalk board rubber at her. It was just written off as one of those things.
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Ron Man 11 months ago
And other things. Elementary school teachers blame/punish kids for things that happen at home and they have no control over. Sorry that display project didn't get done, but parents wouldn't invest any time or money into it so there were no craft supplies to actually do it.
StrangeOne 11 months ago
I got another. I couldn't watch that documentary airing one night, as a homework assignment, because my mom's bf wanted to watch the OJ Simpson trial. He didn't believe watching TV could ever be part of school assignments. There's the other way around, too. A friend got grounded when her dad asked what we learned in Science and she said Uranus. Literally, we learned about the planets and the one featured that day was Uranus.
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DennyS (denzoren) 11 months ago
I got corporal punishment everyday for a school term because the bus was always late. Didn't stop until I finally told my mother. Typical quiet kid, I didn't wanna upset anyone and just lined up at the principal's office for about 3months every morning. I was 8 at the time.
Tamra 11 months ago
That's outrageous! Did they punish all the children on the late bus?
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Jaya 11 months ago
In my country a teacher will just talk to the parent. I can't really imagine any teacher would ever punish the kid for it, because it doesn't make sense at all.
Anthorn 11 months ago
America doesn't really make sense. Saying this as an American.
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StrangeOne 11 months ago
I was going through a bad time. My mom decided to have a morning shout-fest at me before school and told me I couldn't leave until she was done. Made me late and I had to explain to the secretary. The secretary said I should have just left. I told her that she doesn't know my mom. I can't "just leave". I still say my mom should've been the one in trouble at that point.
RELATED:
#2
My Grandma got married at 16 to my Grandfather who was 8 years older than her. She had 6 kids by the time she was 22. The family romanticized their relationship my whole life, but her dying words were “at least I don’t have to deal with HIM anymore” and the truth about him being an abusive piece of s**t for 60+ years surfaced after she passed. It’s a sad reality for many women from her generation.
Sue User 11 months ago
Conspiracy theory alert: trad wife and van life are being portrayed a great ways live to get people normalised to living in your car and being " household object" ( see zuckerburg ).
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detective miller's hat 11 months ago
My gran waited a good 2 hours before calling anyone after my grandfather died. She told me years later she wanted to be well certain the bastard was good and dead, just in case.
ElfVibratorGlitter 11 months ago
Not sure when my grandparents got married tbh, but my grandpa was a d**k. He died in 2008 and my grandma, now 92, has been living her best life since then. Glad she had a chance to be free of him.
Broadredpanda 11 months ago
It’s awful that the only peace she got was when the husband passed away!
Broadredpanda 11 months ago
Sorry! She passed before him🤦♀️same meaning behind the comment
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#3
America. When I grew up I thought it was the best country in the world, and that everyone flourished! Not so much...
Rosecrucian Roeth 11 months ago
Please, don't insult the poor oompa loompas...............
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DennyS (denzoren) 11 months ago
Even here in the Caribbean, America was proposed as this magical place of opportunity. It's only as you get older the façade drops.
joseph legatt 11 months ago
I forget exactly how someone else put it but it was along the lines of "America, the wealthiest third world country I know".
James King 11 months ago
Not Third World. A Banana Republic. But hopefully that will change now.
Load More Replies... StrangeOne 11 months ago
I think many American citizens are pretty cool. The corporations, bigots and government are getting so greedy it's going to come back to bite them hard real soon.
Earthquake903 11 months ago
I guess it's good in some ways but more than half of voting Americans just voted to set us all back 100+ years in progress. I loathe those who voted for him and I loathe him even more. I do not worship billionaires like the majority of Americans do.
Reginald 11 months ago
The majority of Americans don’t worship billionaires.
Load More Replies... 90HD 11 months ago
Pretty damn good compared to a lot of other places. Have to keep things in perspective.
Michael Largey 11 months ago
If you hadn't eaten for a week, would you be any less hungry if there were other people who hadn't eaten for two weeks? Perspective is a way of observing problems, not dealing with them.
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R Dennis 11 months ago
Yeah... I took down my American flag a long time ago. No plan to ever fly it again. Far more shame than anything.
Abdullah Abd Rahman 11 months ago (edited)
Americans have it so bad, compared to many other countries. They just don't realise it because many can't afford to travel abroad and are dumbed down by propaganda about how it's "the best country in the world!" , when it really isn't. It's only a Heaven for the rich.
90HD 10 months ago
A lot of wide open space, cheap land, and some solid people make it livable
Load More Replies... Boredandsomea 11 months ago
good luck with Trump for the next four years, some americans are as uneducated as Trump is ( I would like to see a proper statement about his grades and notes, because he is severely uneducated.
K Madden 11 months ago
His grades, his health, his mental state, his wealth....all top secret. Why?
Load More Replies...When you’re a child, your experiences with life and other people are very limited. It’s only when you start going to school, hanging out with your friends, going over to their place, and having sleepovers that you get a ton more context about how others live. When you get that additional information, you can then start comparing how you’re raised and how your parents behave around you.
In some cases, you’ll realize that you have it pretty good or that there are lot of similarities between you and your friends. Other times, you’ll be envious of your friends because they have more freedom or support. Often, this will be the result of the parenting style that your and other kids’ parents have embraced.
Authoritative parents, for example, offer a balanced approach: they set out clear rules and expectations, but they also communicate openly, take their kids’ feelings into account, and give them love and support.
These parents’ children grow up to be well-adjusted, confident, and independent adults who are socially competent and do well in academics. However, children raised by guardians who embody authoritarian, permissive, or uninvolved (aka neglectful) parenting styles typically don’t do as well in life.
#4
Dads being looked down on for playing with, hugging or kissing their sons.
Dad’s getting the cops called on them for watching/playing with their daughter at the park without their wife there as well.
Mothers having to go back to work early or at night to keep food on the table.
Squidward Tentacles 11 months ago
I hate how the world shame men just for trying to be good parent
RajunCajun 11 months ago
I have never been looked down on for spending time / playing / hugging / kissing my kids, and I have had several ( ok like 3 ) dads tell me they wish they had spent more time doing things with theirs. And really all the silly dances and singing to them in public has never got me anything but a thumbs up. I mean really, my daddy gets his hugs and kisses song as the kids get out of the car for school might only have another year or two left in it before the kids say "dad" you are embarrassing me.
Michele Garrard 11 months ago
This is a ridiculous statement. I'm a 65 year old raised by a single father
censorshipsucks 11 months ago (edited)
that's just america guys. We don't have this in Africa. Well except the last one, but that's not because of lack of maternity leave, it's due to 40% unemployment so you have to be grateful for a job.
#5
Knowing what mood your parent was in by their footsteps when they came home and making a plan accordingly.
Debby Keir 11 months ago
The minute my father came home from work, the atmosphere in the house changed. It didn't even matter 'what mood he was in', but we were no longer allowed into the lounge, and stayed in the kitchen with our mother, whilst she cooked whatever meal he wanted - he rarely ate with us, and usually a different meal that my mother cooked from scratch. 50's/60's UK and seemed 'normal' to me, but I made a vow that I wouldn't marry someone who actively removed themself from family time.
cerinamroth 11 months ago
I still identify people by the footsteps and the tone of their voice, even in the distance. I only realised that was unusual when I was about 22.
Pandarosa 11 months ago
I felt this in my chest, like it was being strangled.
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Lynchamigsakta 11 months ago
I can spot all my 14 coworkers from a distance by their footsteps. The ones with let's say, fluctuating moods I can always tell what kind of day they'll have and pass on to the rest of us before the clock hit 06:00
#6
Denying a student's request to use the bathroom during class really makes me reflect on how wrong it is to withhold a basic human right.
Sue User 11 months ago
I have heard the argument that the kids dont really have to go and are just bunking off. Well, so what if they are? Need a little mental break, go for it. People in office have tea/ coffee/ smoke breaks.
Geoffrey Scott 11 months ago
A bit of pushback from a former custodian. An unsupervised student in a rest room many times causes all sorts of mayhem.
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Emily Macaluso 11 months ago
As a middle school SPED teacher... classes are an hour long. We allow one student out at a time. I am in the hallways a lot more often than the other middle school teachers so I see more of what goes on with individual students throughout the day. we have several students in my 5th grade math group who will spend upwards of 30 minutes in the bathroom every class period if we let them. They just don't want to go to math. Their bathroom use means they literally get less math instruction throughout the school year than their peers. Several of our 6th graders spend 20 minutes in the bathroom in every class period every day and rely on the fact that the teachers don't know they went the hour before. Most kids who go to the bathroom arent just fing around but those that are severely impact their own education if given the freedom to take half a class as a mental break. This forces us to restrict access for everyone so we dont 'single someone out'. It's toxic af but its a product of some students' behavior, not just a teacher power trip.
The Darkest Timeline 11 months ago (edited)
As a teacher, I do think many students will ask to go to the bathroom at the slightest urge just to “take a break” (even if class has just started). I never outright deny bathroom use but if we’re in the middle of something, I will ask if it can wait until we’re done with the current work. 99% of the time it is not an emergency and can wait for a more appropriate time. This is reasonable and ensures that there isn’t a potty parade while you’re trying to give instructions or take roll or answer questions. With really young kids this might look a bit different but there tends to be lots of bathroom breaks structured into the day for students at those ages.
Tara Noe 11 months ago
As a teacher, I've got some news for you - When they take their phone with them and disappear for 20 minutes, or have to go mid class every time, they ain't needing the toilet. Most people would be utterly shocked by what security catches some of them doing (think police involvement)
katiekat0214 11 months ago
Retired teacher here, and context is everything. Right after nutrition or lunch? Nope, not doing. You should have gone then. Same kid over and over, nearly every day? Nope, not doing. If a kid just wanted a break, I found ways to let them walk around a bit, stretch their legs, get some air and quiet, usually by asking them to get me some water from a "better" water fountain a little ways away. This was mostly with middle schoolers who are really just learning how to use their words and communicate effectively. Sometimes at that age they don't know what they want, but they want something. Sometimes just standing next to my desk, chatting or helping me do something was enough. Not so much about withholding, more about redirecting or seeing what it is they really need or want.
Michael Largey 11 months ago
True at the high school level too. There are a few students who will have legitimate cause on a frequent basis. I had a student with Irritable Bowel Syndrome who needed frequent dashes to the bathroom. I gave him desk by the door and told him, "If you need to go, just catch my eye and go. If you can't catch my eye, go anyway."
Load More Replies... Boredandsomea 11 months ago
as a substitute teacher I have to argue the need to get a feel if there is a real need and as a teacher I decide. Otherwise the students that should not be roaming the corridors are let out, because we should not say no to a student in need. It´s a simple decision and a 15 second delay (and if your kids urinal tract can´t take a 15 second delay, the substitute teacher should be informed about this... or you contact a doctor), so yes you have to ask to keep the peace of the rest of the school and if that is to much your kid is a badly raised. Yes I know about kids with Anxiety issues and these kids you have to be informed of and they get special treatment and the best thing is to have a secret sign they show and they are let out, or if it is severe and they dont trust you drectly then you as a grown up should look out for signs and act accordingly.
StrangeOne 11 months ago
Water and washroom should never be denied. I was pregnant in High School. I needed special permission just to bring a bottle of water into class.
lunitavet 11 months ago
Once at rpimary school I was denied this, couldnt hold it, happened what you imagine and got sent to the school nurse because they thought I was sick. Of course the nurse made me wait outside her office. Now I understand why she asked me to do so, but by the time it was pretty traumatic, should just have let me go instead of all this drama . And the bullying after . All of this preventable.
PenguinEmp 11 months ago
Grade 4 teacher did that to me. I had to pee so bad I got up went to the back and peed in the washbasin.
Authoritarian parents tend to set very strict rules at home and they expect their children to follow their every command, which restricts their growth as independent individuals. These households are less nurturing and focus on high expectations.
Meanwhile, permissive parents are the opposite. They give their kids plenty of love, warmth, and support, but they do this at the cost of many (if not all) rules and expectations. These parents typically see their children as friends rather than, well, their kids to be looked after and raised with care.
However, it’s uninvolved parenting that potentially does the most harm. These parents are barely involved in their kids’ lives whether due to work, lifestyle, mental health issues, etc. So, their kids are generally left to fend for themselves, with very little support and few guidelines for what (not) to do. This lack of nurture and discipline leads to children developing problems with social relationships, emotional regulation, and academic achievements, though they may also grow to be more resilient and self-sufficient as a result.
#7
That my parents would feed me peanuts to get out of parties. I have a nut allergy.
I didn’t know it was messed up until I told a therapist and the look on her face I was like ohhhh not normal.
patricia patricia 11 months ago
They do. They also cause inflammation which can affect the whole body in the long run, or get out of control and kill you.
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Forrest Hobbs 11 months ago
That sort of thing is prosecuted as poisoning here in the UK. I forget the exact law they use and couldn't find it with a quick search just now.
Load More Replies... cerinamroth 11 months ago
I mean they could have just said "I#m afraid he's come down with a cold/tummy bug"...
Broadredpanda 11 months ago
This would be classed as manslaughter if anything happened to you. I’d love to know if you’re in contact with these abusive parents? They don’t deserve you!
Crystalwitch60 11 months ago
All they had to do was say NO didn’t have to abuse their poor child ffs
#8
I thought all parents were on their best behavior and pretending to be good people in public and that when they got home they were all angry and violent. I learned I was wrong in my early 20s and couldn't process the concept that not everyone's parents were faking their kindness. It still sometimes feels mind-blowing thinking about how so many parents are actually kind and loving towards their kids. It made me really happy learning that some kids actually get to enjoy happy childhoods.
cerinamroth 11 months ago
Mine were like this too. Seemed like the idyllic set-up but, like you, it takes my breath away when I see how loving families can actually be. Now that I have swallowed my fear and opened myself up to having my own children, it is so lovely to be able to nourish them with love and kindness in the ways I wasn't. Truly my life's work.
Rose the Cook 11 months ago
At least they behaved in public. My parents fought and insulted each other at home and in public as well.
Black Cat 11 months ago
As embarrassing as this would have been, at least thwy were authentic. My parents were so deceitful about their abusiveness that I grew up thinking everyone puts on an act and have had life long trust issues.
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Blaze Onyx 11 months ago
Yeah, realized this when my parents split and I moved in with my dad and everything lessened a thousand times over
Abdullah Abd Rahman 11 months ago
It's really sad that some kids got really bad parents that don't take care of and love them,as parents should.
#9
The fact that the US is as big as it is but we only have a 2 party system, whereas other countries that are MUCH smaller have multiple political parties. We are ALL being played from all sides.
troufaki13 11 months ago
Don't get fooled. Even if we have more than two political parties, it's always the same two that are in power.
Jaya 11 months ago
Not everywhere. In the Netherlands for instance that's not the case.
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CP 11 months ago (edited)
I want to push back on this idea. The two party system in the US just gets the coalition forming out of the way before elections. A Democrat in NYC isn't the same as a Democrat in Montana, just like a Republican on Staten Island isn't the same as one in Alabama. Those four people would be part of different political parties in the rest of the world. So instead of being part of four different parties that coalesce into two opposing parties once elected. They already coalesced. There are four main parties in the US I think. Progressives, regular corporate Dems, traditional republicans and MAGA. MAGA took over for the religious right in the US. You do have your other parties, but the only way to change things is to become part of one of these two coalitions and change them from the inside ala Trump. He would have probably failed as a third party candidate.
Nicole Weymann 11 months ago
...and wouldn't that have been a shame.../S That point actually confirms the "more parties=better" theory to me.
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censorshipsucks 11 months ago
Yeah In south africa we have a few hundred parties of which about 5 or so are reasonably big (greater than 2%). They were recently forced to cooperate/collaborate due to low voter turnout, whcih I attribute to apathy.
Nicole Weymann 11 months ago
We (Germany) had a bit of a similar problem in the 1920s with many "splinter" parties. After WW2 the rules were changed. We now have the "fiver per cent hurdle", meaning a party getting less than 5% of votes will not be involved in the government.
Load More Replies... DrBronxx 11 months ago
Technically the UK has so many different parties, but it's a two-party system in all but name. It's the same as in the US presidential race - there are, in reality, more than two options, but the vast majority of people are only really going to vote between the two main options.
Midoribird Aoi 11 months ago
Wrong to the point that we only have two parties. Right in that they are the only two with any real power. Socialist Party a distant third.
Verywell Mind explains that uninvolved parenting can lead to kids displaying deficits in cognition, attachment, emotional skills, and social skills. Furthermore, due to a severe lack of boundaries at home, they might not learn appropriate behaviors at school and in public, so they might misbehave more than others.
Generally, children raised by uninvolved parents can be more anxious and stressed, emotionally withdrawn, have an increased risk of substance abuse, and be afraid of becoming dependent on other people.
What are some things that you’ve personally experienced or seen in society or your family life that you now realize were far from ‘normal’? What did you do once you realized this? If you’d like to open up a bit about this, feel free to do so in the comments.
#10
Regressive taxes on the poor while the rich get breaks.
StumblingThroughLife 11 months ago
I can't see this changing anytime soon - unless populations go 'Vive la révolution on their greedy arses.
Michael Largey 11 months ago
It's the real Golden Rule - He who has the gold makes the rules.
Load More Replies... Earthquake903 11 months ago
Get ready for so much worse thanks to the majority of Americans voting for a felon oligarch wannabe.
Allen Packard 11 months ago
Just taxes in general. How is our money going to someone else's war when our schools, roads etc. are in desperate need? Crazy. We are taxed, taxed and then for good measure taxed again.
nottheactualphoto 11 months ago
We wouldn't be taxed so much if corporations and the very rich paid a fair share. But they'll be getting more tax cuts within the next four years.
Load More Replies... Abdullah Abd Rahman 11 months ago
Only in the USA.Help the rich.God help you, poor people! You don't work hard enough.
Cydney Golden 11 months ago
Only going to get worse in US. There's no one reining trump in this time.
Hoi-Polloi 11 months ago
...? In the US the tax rates are progressive, going from 0% if you're really poor, up to 37% if you're really rich.
Michael Largey 11 months ago
"Taxes are the price we pay for civilization." - Nero wolfe
Load More Replies... #11
War. That it exists to begin with. And it’s still going on in the day and age. So disturbing to have zero control to help others.
StrangeOne 11 months ago
It all starts with a government leader's temper tantrum and too easy access to military power.
Broadredpanda 11 months ago
most wars Are predominantly because of religious and/or politically motivated. Without either of these, war wouldn’t be as rife, although that’s a naive assumption, but look at those battles going on right now!
StumblingThroughLife 11 months ago
Mankind (aka: Govts/the powerful who don't fight in wars they start) will never stop until Earth is a dead rock.
Hoi-Polloi 11 months ago
Y'know, kings used to be their own generals. Still had a lot of wars back then, too.
Load More Replies... El Dee 11 months ago
There are the same two sides in every war. The men with their guns and bombs and the unarmed civilians. The civilians always lose..
90HD 10 months ago
I feel like the civilians came out somewhat better post WW2
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Uncle Schmickle 11 months ago
Re : below comment .... good for keeping down populations, good for companies which manufacture armaments, etc.
Anthorn 11 months ago
I semi-agree on your second point, but "keeping down populations"??? These are people with lives and consciousness!
Load More Replies... #12
Fat shaming. My parents would always tell my siblings and I that getting fat is a no go in our family and we should always stay away from people who are overweight. One of my brothers was overweight but not in an unhealthy way. He was just a big guy which was genetically given from my mom side (two of my uncles were also big with good muscle built). I don't know what you call it but my brother had that gene going on. Throughout our entire childhood, my parents will belittle my brother and make him starve to "lose" weight. My parents went as far to have myself and my little brother make fun of him for being "fat" when he wasn't. As we grew older, we eventually start telling our parents off for their toxic behavior. So whenever my parents try to fat shame us, we fat shame them when the opportunity strikes.
And for those who are curious, my brothers and I have a tight relationship now. After enduring so much emotional, mental, and physical abuse from our parents; we got professional help to learn to cope with our feelings better and hang out together when we have the chance.
Shark queen 🦈🦈🦈 11 months ago (edited)
I'm glad you all stuck together and tell your parents I think they might lose some weight.
detective miller's hat 11 months ago
This is how you give a child an eating disorder, which is the most DEADLY mental illness.
Renegade 11 months ago
My nephews parents started worrying about his weight when he hit puberty. They'd make him take extra walks with the dog, drop him and one of the parents off blocks away from their destination. He was 5'4" and 120 lbs (perfect weight) Over the next few years he grew to 6'5". He needed a little fat in him.
Celtic Pirate Queen 11 months ago
My Grandmother (Mom's mom) was a class A b*tch. I (f) was a chubby kid and she never let me forget it. She was constantly putting me down. We had to go (?) to Sunday dinner each week. While everyone else got the world's worst pot roast, I got a plate of lettuce with maybe a slice of tomato. I was 10 when I refused to eat it. She started calling me all kinds of names. I just looked at her and said, "See? That's why everyone hates you". I never had to go to Sunday dinner again, but boy I sure missed hanging out with my Grandpa (who taught me how to use MOST tools and to change the oil in the truck).
Broadredpanda 11 months ago
America is the most obese nation in the world and how food is produced is to blame! I’m from the UK and it’s bad here too. Everything tha
Broadredpanda 11 months ago
Didn’t get to finish this lol Everything that is tasty is made with fructose/corn syrup. If portions were smaller and there were no unlimited top ups of drinks, things would be different! And using this very system would make fast food places give a normal portion of food and in fact help the revenue stream. It’s crazy what is given on those plates!! Sorry for that rant! Those parents are absolutely disgusting doing what they’ve done. AHs
Load More Replies... Tha Monkey 11 months ago
Yeah, my mom was expert at body shaming. As the only girl child, I thought I had it bad, but looking back, she'd mock my middle brother and we'd all join in. To be fair, these days he could be a model for one of those ads - "fit at 62", but I know it stems from childhood trauma.
katiekat0214 11 months ago
I'm surprised you are not LC or NC with your parents. Not surprised you are close to your siblings.
#13
Religion. As I grew up I was shocked seeing what many people do in the name of God.
Black Cat 11 months ago
I truly believe Jesus would be thoroughly ashamed of most Christians and their hateful, elitist hypocritical bs.
Michael Largey 11 months ago
Jesus was crucified by the hateful, elitist hypocritical religious types of His time.
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Dilly Dally 11 months ago
I have been shocked by what people have done in the name of God as well. Jesus says love your enemies, not kick them out of a group and make them look like a fool.
Definitely a Human 10 months ago
God also told people explicitly how to own slaves, and Jesus and God are apparently the same entity so...
Load More Replies... Stephanie A Mutti 11 months ago
People just interpret a god to say whatever makes their cruelty and greed be a virtue.
Crystalwitch60 11 months ago
The beauty of being a Wiccan and a white witch none of all that vile abuse covered up by religion !
#14
Cat calling or honking at young girls on the street.
Say No to Downvoting 11 months ago (edited)
I was 12 when I first got a honk and a “Nice tits!” from a passing car. I thought it was just something women had to deal with from badly behaved men.
Nadine Debard 11 months ago
I would say perversion, they say young girls, not women.
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Michael Largey 11 months ago
Guys, don't say anything to a woman on the street that you wouldn't want a man to say to you in prison.
Black Cat 11 months ago
I think these men objectify women and therefore dont see them as human beings. Once this happens they lose any empathy for women and it makes it much easier to hurt and degrade them. So they'd never put themselves in a women's position. Really sick s**t.
Load More Replies... RajunCajun 11 months ago
I am from a small town in the south of Louisiana. When I was a kid Cat calling would get you pulled out of a car and the c**p kicked out of you for disrespecting someone's kid/girl/ wife.
Andrew Beringer 11 months ago
I'm from the same general area and can confirm
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#15
Being told I had to be nice to the boy that continually asked me out/gave me romantic gifts even though I rejected him politely for years.
From 5th grade (10years old) until sophomore year of highschool (15 years old) this boy asked me out and gave me unwanted gifts and poems for every holiday and school dance. All the teachers and my classmates knew it was going to happen. Literally every adult in my life told me I had to be polite when I turned him down. I didn't have to accept his gifts or go out with him, but I had to consider his feelings when letting him down.
Years later after surviving an abusive relationship, my therapist pointed out how no one considered my feelings back then. And that perhaps, living a third of my life being told I needed to care more about a boy's feelings than my own, worped my perception of my own feelings being valid and that I had a right to speak up for myself.
Feathered Dinosaur 11 months ago
Don't teach your daughters to be polite about rejection, because she might hurt the man's feelings and he might become violent. You know what, these men still become stalkers or violent, no matter how polite. Teach your SONS better
Fellfromthemoon 11 months ago
If the advances can be seen as proper in general, then the first rejection should always be polite, independent from gender. The second should be straight and short, but still polite (maybe the suitor just misunderstood something?), the third cold as dry ice.
Load More Replies... Crystalwitch60 11 months ago
Having been an abused wife both mentally and physically for way way to long in my 60 yrs I’m now safe divorced just me n my two kids23-20 and being polite is never an option to unwanted advances not any more and I’ve taught my kids the same no mean no end off they are both in great relationships both live at home and both respect others as long as they respect them how it should be
Michael Largey 11 months ago (edited)
Real consideration of the other person's feeling involves a lot more than just being polite when you decline. Explain why - with kindness and sensitivity - but help him understand he's put himself on a path leading nowhere. You many have to do this several times in several ways, but it may bring the best result for both of you.
Black Cat 11 months ago
First, she shouldnt have to say no several times - he needs to respect it the first time. And secondly, continuing to treat him with kindness and sensitivoty is going to be interpreted by him as interest as she is giving him attention. You just dont understand how careful women have to be around men.
Load More Replies... #16
An informal part of freshman orientation at my high school included the older girls warning the new ones about which male teachers to avoid being alone with.
Relatedly, the art teacher advised us all to wear shorts under our uniform skirts so boys couldn't upskirt us in the stairwells, and there was a nun who roamed the halls during her free periods to pop into other classes and make the teacher stop what they were doing and have all the girls stand up so she could examine the lengths of our skirts.
The school eventually shut down because the teachers kept getting arrested, but that took a decade after I graduated.
Geoffrey Scott 11 months ago
Elected 2 MAGA's to school board, who immediately went after teachers they didn't like. I stood up in a meeting over this and stated "What I wanted you guys to do is make sure the culture no longer allowed a principal to molest a student, nor a (mid 30's) teacher to marry a student upon graduation". A little awkward as I was an employee (support staff).
#17
Capitalism.
Social media and the way it commodifies literally every human interaction for "likes".
The creation of art with the prime intention of making profit.
Jaya 11 months ago
People do a lot of other jobs purely for money too, why is it bad when people who make art do the same? If it allows them expensive things they enjoy in life, and there are people who enjoy their art, it is literally creating no harm to anyone.
CP 11 months ago (edited)
Art for profit isn't a problem. The creation of art for ludicrous tax deductions is.
Fellfromthemoon 11 months ago
My dude, the first author who lived on what his pen earned lived in the sixteenth century. His name is Erasmus of Rotterdam. Artists painting for money are among us even longer. Pro photographers and filmographers? They exist from the day these methods were engineered.
Feathered Dinosaur 11 months ago
Almost every day I daydream about going to a hunter gatherer people and become one of them. They have so much more leisure time to spend on their favored activities, sharing is considered the norm, the literal village is looking out for you and your children, they are mostly egalitarian without this patriarchy b******t we have to put up with, their mental and physical health is usually better... I could go on... *sigh*
nottheactualphoto 11 months ago
I dunno... being physically close to modern medicine saved my life.
Load More Replies... Geoffrey Scott 11 months ago
Capitalism, per se, isn't the issue for me. Ruthless capitalism on the other hand..
#18
Too many pets. It can be all cute and fun as a kid, but then you grow up and realize your mom is a hoarder and the house is a biohazard.
Clown fish 11 months ago
It's fine having a lot of pets as long as they are cleaned and taken care of and have their flea, worm and other treatments done
Trillian 11 months ago
And if there is enough room. It is abuse to keep multiple cats or dogs in a small apartment.
Load More Replies... Say No to Downvoting 11 months ago
My best friend’s house growing up. I just thought her family’s was “a bit different to mine” back then. Now, looking back, I see the large number of free range cats, the adults smoking indoors around the asthmatic kids, with never an open window or curtain, the wrecked cars in the overgrown front yard, the older siblings smoking bongs infront of the kids, and the mother who I now suspect had some sort of mental health issue as all I remember of her was her sitting in the couch, chain smoking and never really interacting with any of the children at all.
Huddo's sister 11 months ago
My best friend had 7 cats at one stage. The house smelled of their litter trays and they had at least one that wasn't de-sexed and got pregnant from a stray. The council rules were no more than three cats per household. At least they were supposed to stay inside and had a cat run run.
Laserleader 11 months ago
My mother's dog hoarding led our city to create a law limiting the number of dogs per household to 5. She had 12 dogs and left them on a small deck all year, city came and took them all away, and some had to be put down for heath problems.
#19
Talking about marriage with a 15 -19 year old. Getting teased that I was an old maid at 21 years old. 21! Religious communities are wild.
StumblingThroughLife 11 months ago
'Religious communities...' 👀😶 I've always found that (most, I'll say) religious institutions have a need to force others into their beliefs, either via brutality (re: history), or verbally pushing it/door-stepping. Religion is Insane (IMO).
#20
Grown men being interested in teenage girls and telling them the reason is because they're so "unusually mature for their age.".
Michael Largey 11 months ago
As a high school teacher, I can tell you that teenage girls who seem "unusually mature for their age" may be living a very rough life.
cerinamroth 11 months ago
That was my geography teacher, and someone whose kids I babysat. I was unusually mature because I never had a childhood. They probably sensed that any positive attention went well with me.
Celtic Pirate Queen 11 months ago
Yeah, why won't women your OWN age date you? Uh huh, thought so.
Ace 11 months ago
Grooming. The thing is that teenage girls can be very attractive to men both young and old. It's no good denying it, we don't have an off switch to magically stop finding them attractive as soon as we get over 20, but most adult males simply know that of coure they must not act on it and have enough self-control to not do so.
Feathered Dinosaur 11 months ago
No, men who find 12/13 year old girls attractive are NOT normal. If women can grow out of finding teens attractive I'm very sure males have the same capacity.
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#21
Most of my highschool friends had boyfriends in their mid to late 20s. And then also how acceptable that was to most of the adults around me.
Phoenix 11 months ago
This! Although illegal, no one stopped 14 or 15 yr old girls from dating 20+ yr olds. Not even our parents. I was one of the girls and I didn't know for a very long time how wrong it actually was.
Geoffrey Scott 11 months ago
Keep in mind, and not sure if it's still valid, Alabama's legal age for marriage is/was 14
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RajunCajun 11 months ago
my dad was a cop, after I turned 18 he would jump my butt if I even looked at a girl younger than 18.
Clown fish 11 months ago (edited)
But what age are the girls? 16 UK a bit odd because well they are in their late 20s! But USA being 18-19 not really as odd as legally they are both adults at that point
Helena 11 months ago
No one in their late 20's has things in common with an 18 year old.
Load More Replies... Nichole Harris 11 months ago
IDK I think this is individual.....I've always dated older and now I've happily married older
#22
How soul crushing and disparaging it is to work a full-time job and 2 part-time jobs just to keep your family from becoming homeless. And being poor or working-class and trying to figure out ways to keep off the government radar the way rich people do because being taxed for the $300 you made cleaning offices at night after your factory job could mean the difference between choosing between heat or electricity and being able to afford both that month.
My dad worked in the auto industry and was like a machine when he would get laid off of work. He would take whatever s**t temp job he could just to keep us afloat. I've had a few "lean" moments in my life that were nowhere near as desperate as his were and I hope to Christ I'm never in his shoes.
Uncle Schmickle 11 months ago
That's a violation of human rights. I assume this is in the USA ? Pitifully low wages forces people into this situation.
Dilly Dally 11 months ago
when I have enough money I'm leaving this country. I know that I won't be able to afford it ever, but that's my dream.
Celtic Pirate Queen 11 months ago
I worked three jobs to keep my son & I afloat. I made $17 too much to qualify for food stamps. I went to the coolest of my bosses and explained the situation. I needed him to cut 2 hours per pay period to qualify. He didn't cut my hours, he just paid me two hours in cash.
Geoffrey Scott 11 months ago
Ya do what ya gotta do. Not sure how it works now, but you could collect unenjoyment and still make up to 1/2 your benefit and still get a full check.
Jenna Kay 11 months ago
Not how it works now. Sadly, my hubby lost his job this past year and it wiped out most of our already meager savings.
Load More Replies... #23
Food insecurity. My parents would wait until we were full to take seconds and sometimes even a first portion. I realized later that they didn’t want us to experience feeling hungry as children.
CP 11 months ago
It is messed up we live in such a plentiful society that this happens, but not messed up for a parent to do that for a child.
Andi 11 months ago
'no, I ate earlier' - took years to realise what this meant.
Load More Replies... Michael Largey 11 months ago
My mom learned to cook from her mother, who was from the UK. The thought of asking for seconds never occurred to us.
Nicole Weymann 11 months ago
I'm not sure you're actually implying the horrors your words evoke, or if I'm reading too much into that and they were just "frugal" (stingy)... 😳😂
Load More Replies... Midoribird Aoi 11 months ago
This. My Dad could be real s****y, but our bellies still had to be full before he and Mom ate.
Justme 11 months ago
Hard to wait in line at the food bank for 4 hours when you have to be at work. And many of these programs aren’t available if you make more than so much per month - which isn’t enough to afford food on your own so there’s a huge gap for people to fall through the cracks.
Load More Replies... #24
Hitting animals as punishment for bad behaviour. My parents were extremely abusive towards any and all animals we had when I was a kid. I vividly remember when one of my dogs had nipped at my 1 year old nephew for pulling on the dogs tail, my dad's reaction was to boot the dog as hard as he could down a set of stairs and into a steel door, then punching the dog before sending it off to his crate for the rest of the day. This was just one of hundreds of incidents like that. It took me years of unlearning that behaviour, I cry when I think back to how my beloved pets were treated by my parents and even by myself before I realized how awful that was.
Riani Kivela 11 months ago
I finished and wished I hadn't. Can't stand people who harm animals.
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meeeeeeeeeeee 11 months ago
We literally eat their dead bodies and it's so normalized that people only care if it's a cat or dog...
Load More Replies... Rob D 11 months ago (edited)
I hope the poster's parents face senior years filled with like abuse and cruelty at every turn and in every way. I hope their suffering is profound and ceaseless. I will die on this hill: if a magical force literally dropped animal and child abusers dead where they stood the moment they offended, it would be no loss and a better world.
Crystalwitch60 11 months ago
Let me at people as do this I’m a white witch aka a good witch but on things like this I can switch sides n go dark it’s worth it for this s**t
#25
A Kid (in 5th grade) crying and sobbing after he got 94% on his exam. Said his parents needed him to get 96% or up (which is a high A from where I used to live) or else he’d be beaten. The teacher couldn’t really do anything
I didn’t realize how messed up it was until years later when I moved countries.
Feathered Dinosaur 11 months ago
I hope teachers nowadays would call CPS... Although that would probably only make the parents sneakier about the abuse
Huddo's sister 11 months ago
Mandatory reporters (like teachers) have a legal obligation to report suspected abuse in Australia now. If they don't they can be charged and serve jail time themselves.
Load More Replies... cerinamroth 11 months ago
98% was a crushing disappointment to my father in our house. GCSE French, taken 2 years early!
StumblingThroughLife 11 months ago
The teacher couldn't do anything - like, call the police/Child Protection? Wow! I can understand it happening in the 60s (UK), tbf, as we had Corporal Punishment at school - and a good hiding at home when the school would inform your parents, after. Luckily, I remained mostly unscathed. Nowadays, it's the teachers who are assaulted, so it's gone from one extreme to another.
Uncle Schmickle 11 months ago
That's terrible to put a kid under so much pressure. You get better result with a carrot rather than a stick.
eloop 11 months ago
My school in elementary considers 75% as a failing grade. If you're one of those kids in school that get at lot of 75-79% (a C student) You'll often be mocked as a dumbass. I completely feel this post, my mom likes to show our maternal grandma that we always have 90-100% . Later on I realized this was a generational trauma.
Geoffrey Scott 11 months ago
We used the merit system. If you got below a C, no cash. $5 for an A, $4 a B. $3 a C. Kids cleaned me out twice a year.
R Dennis 11 months ago
I started stressing my daughter about getting good grades. Then I realized it wasn't that serious. No one remembers your elementary grades in high school and no one cares about your high school grades after college. I mean, we have literally elected a moron president... twice! How can I tell kids that grades matter.
#26
Alcoholism. Like I didn't see anything wrong with my dad drinking every day, because he was a chill drunk, until I was much much older and realised that no, drinking everyday is not normal.
Ace 11 months ago
Always annoying to see the assumption repeated, that drinking some alcool every day, or most days, is the same as being an alcoholic. Not true, not true at all.
Chuck 11 months ago
As an alcoholic with many years of sobriety, everyone and every situation is different. When I drank and it was fun, that was one thing. When it changed into drinking because I had to, that was quite another thing.
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B W 11 months ago
My 96yr old neighbor would disagree. He insists that his happy hour is one of the last bastions of civilization. lol
CP 11 months ago (edited)
Same here. Both of my parent drank everyday. When my dad would come home from work his first visit was to the fridge. He would open a beer and drink the entire thing with the fridge open and then grab a second to sit down with. One way in which it effected me was to have heavy drinking like that normalized. I later learned that wasn't normal, which, is a good thing, but my standard for bad drinking was totally skewed. I was way better than my parents with my drinking habits. They were drunk all the time. I only get drunk once every month. Getting drunk once a month still is and causes problems. I found that out too late.
Broadredpanda 11 months ago
Being an alcoholic isn’t necessarily based on what you drink, it’s about that person’s NEED to drink. If you feel the NEED to drink or you MUST have a drink to get through the day/night! Then you’re an alcoholic!!
El Dee 11 months ago
This wasn't regarding as alcoholism or even problematic when I was young. Even today there are many 'genteel alcoholics' drinking themselves into an early grave. A glass of wine with dinner becomes a large glass, becomes a large glass before/during/after dinner becomes strong wine which is equlivalent to a full bottle of strong wine which has the same alcohol as a half bottle of spirits - all consumed in under 2 hours. But they look down their noses at alcoholics because they 'just like a glass of wine with dinner'
Nils Skirnir 11 months ago
In the US about half the people don’t drink. Most who do drink, do so occasionally. 80% of alcohol sales are to 10% of people
Ace 11 months ago
And 42% of figures you read on the internet are just made up on the spot. There's plenty of more accurate information on this readily available, so why just invent stuff instead of looking it up?
Load More Replies... Tamra 11 months ago
Not necessarily. When I was in active addiction, I did not need to drink every day. It was just that, when I did drink, I lost control of how much I consumed at one time. Many alcoholics don't drink every day.
Load More Replies... #27
Having children you can't afford.
So many people, including my own parents, blame the government or billionaires or the low minimum wage or etc, when the reality is you are the person at fault if you can't afford toys or clothes for your kids.
Uncle Schmickle 11 months ago
Yes to this one. Some people just keep having kids when they know they can't afford to. Whether it's driven by religious ideology or whatever. The world is already over populated, so please don't add to the problem.
General Anaesthesia 11 months ago (edited)
Somebody thinks it's always by choice. Just for example, have kids, then lose your job. That absolute thinking that only well-to-do people should have children is toddler-level logic.
Scott Rackley 11 months ago (edited)
Fairly certain having kids is a choice, unless a crime was involved.
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Blue Bunny of Happiness 11 months ago
It’s not always a choice to not have a child, I fear this is going to get worse, particularly in America. I think OP needs to wake up and smell the coffee on this one!
Crystalwitch60 11 months ago
So as a 60 yr old woman who didn’t have my two kids until I was 35-39 in a then stable marriage first one after two abusive marriages and their father after 13 yrs left us n yup it’s go now as im disabled no fault of mine so I spouse I shouldn’t have had them just in case s**t happens yup unrealistic
*raspberry sound 11 months ago
I love how everyone seems to agree that, essentially, impoverished people don't deserve to have children (or companion animals, for that matter,) it's incredibly classist and disgusting.
Black Cat 11 months ago
Its not that the parents dont deserve it its that the children deserve not to grow up in deprivation. OP is talking about parents who cant afford the children they have but decide to have more.
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Little Bit 11 months ago
While there are many parents who milk the welfare system for all its worth and don't prioritise their spending, there are also parents who are not in that situation through choice. Anybody can fall on hard times through no choice of their own; redundancy, illness, bereavement, divorce, unforeseen circumstances.
ElfVibratorGlitter 11 months ago
So here I am, just FINALLY to a point in my life where I feel like I could have a child because my life is more stable, but now I'm 38...
Earonn - 11 months ago
Okay - but make sure you KNOW it's their fault. Know the whole story. Be sure they didn't had the kids when they still could afford them. Make sure no rape or just bad luck with contraception is involved. Make sure they didn't adopt a child from a dead sibling. Make sure... You see where this goes? Keep your f*****g judgemental gobblehole shut unless you know what's going on - and 99% of the time you don't.
censorshipsucks 11 months ago
not really. Low minimum wage IS the fault of billionaires. The two problems are not mutually exclusive.
#28
Hitting or screaming at your partner. Until I was almost an adult, I thought a good relationship meant having someone who you could direct all your anger at. They'd do the same to you, and you'd still love each other. I looked forward to that connection with someone else. I thought the biggest issue in my parents' marriage was how they held violence against each other, and they'd be happier if they just accepted how things are.
It took a while to undo that thinking. I still struggle not to associate love with violence or the forgiveness of it.
#29
Eating frozen food because my mom would lock up the kitchen so I couldn’t eat.
#30
Someone trying to pay me to cut off my hair when I was younger because they wanted to buy "authentic native American hair.".
#31
Gestures broadly to everything.
#32
Parents making children kiss older relatives on the cheek. It was gross and I hated it. I’m so glad some parents don’t force that on their children anymore.
Sue User 11 months ago
My mother refuses to have a funeral because she had to kiss her dead aunt goodbye when she was a child.
Feathered Dinosaur 11 months ago (edited)
My parents, especially my father gets furious when my 3 year old tells him she doesn't want to be touched by him. He then rounds on me and screams: "Look what all your modern parenting b******t has done to her! She will never let me brush her teeth or strap her into the carseat again and it's your fault! Also the teachers at her preschool will think she was sèxually abused by me if they ever hear her say that!". Yes, he's a piece of work. No, he will only touch her with her permission or in an emergency/to keep her safe. She doesn't want to be touched by her granny often either, she's really not a touchy kind of girl. If he can't respect that, no more granddaughter time for him
Reginald 11 months ago
It’s an issue if she won’t let him strap her into the car seat.
Load More Replies... Midoribird Aoi 11 months ago
Nope nope nope! All nieces and nephews told that I would never do that to them. Their bodies, their choice. If my nephew said no, he would usually say yes to a fist bump, though.
Midoribird Aoi 11 months ago
All my nieces and nephews know I will never be upset if they say no. I am not humiliated, and I say ok. Because I feel strongly that they should never be forced.
Load More Replies... #33
How sexualized Brittney Spears was when she first got famous. As a middle schooler at the time 16 is practically an adult to you but looking back its creepy how she was turned into an object of desire and had fully grown men ogling her.
ElfVibratorGlitter 11 months ago
And then students in my middle school would do her songs for school assemblies...dressed identically (over sexed) and that was also okay?
Reginald 11 months ago
Nope, not ok. But then if you try to set standards, you’re criticized for that as well.
Load More Replies... #34
That our neighbours heard my dad plaster me across the walls of our house.He was never a drinker or d**g addict,just had a filthy temper and dirty secrets of his own making (at least 1 other family)
I used to wonder why nobody came to help me so assumed it was because they couldn't hear the carry-on.
New people bought the house next door.Turns out the walls weren't so thick after all ....
#35
Becoming my mother's close confidante about her affair with someone other than my father, her husband. She told me the affair was my fault.
Michael Largey 11 months ago
If it was the OP's fault, they should go to their father to ask forgiveness, providing full details of course.
#36
Schooling, and the way we teach our children
The way schools work now is just as an assembly line to create more workers
Carl Sagan once said that all children have an unquenchable thrist for knowledge. But by the time someone has graduated high school the average student just hates learning. .
Uncle Schmickle 11 months ago
Of course there are better, more interesting ways of learning. Unfortunately Governments are not interested in implementing them.
CP 11 months ago
You mistake the government for the people. I have seen enough unhinged parents at school board meetings plus as a local election it is very close to direct democracy.
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SirWriteALot 11 months ago
We need to learn stuff that makes us able to earn a living later on. And learning also means learning about stuff you don't like.
Sue User 11 months ago
Your first sentence bugs me but i cant articulate why. Is that all it is ? Just creating good workers ? Thats pretty utilitarian.
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CP 11 months ago
It feels like we just teach facts and not how to learn. At least when I was in school. I think philosophy and critical thinking are missing. I know that is the popular idea today, but it feels correct. The reason I think we don't is, in order to learn like that, you have to teach about controversies and be really honest, but most people don't like that. They think they like honesty until it is something about them or their people they don't like to hear. People need to learn from the past without letting it define us. People act like having ancestors that did bad things makes them bad. It doesn't. Despite what Christianity says, I am not responsible for the sins of my ancestors.
Geoffrey Scott 11 months ago
I was in auto parts production for 18 yrs. A teacher and I tried SO hard to do a 'job shadow' program with the local facilities to give students 16 and up an idea what would be expected of them when they 'hit the streets' and opted not to go to college. I no longer want to hear about 'kids not being ready' for the work world'. "Oh we can't do that because...ya know.. liability'.
#37
Schools ignoring kid drama till a fight starts then blames it on them when they are aware the kids don't get along.
Pretty much you see a problem but do nothing about it because "that kid isn't part of my class and it's not my problem". Not every kid will "snitch" cuz of fear. Only when the media gets involved, a school will throw down and act like they care about their students as if the school had real professionals.
It's why a lot of us hated school cuz almost every staff was fake AF. (I say almost cuz some teachers were genuinely cool but just seem like they have no power at all).
#38
Presenting yourself as someone unrealistically pristine when first dating someone of romantic interest just to make a good impression. This is partly why I really don't get some social media (Facebook, Insta etc.), too.
Ace 11 months ago
Nothing wrong with being on your best behaviour when first meeting someone. Being aware of your more positive and negative traits and making efforts to change where appropriate is surely a good thing? Pretending to be someone you're not and then reverting to type when you've got your claws into someone is another thing altogether, but yeah, I would try to dress nicely and make sure my hair was tidy, I'd cleaned my teeth and that I didn't smell . Wouldn't everybody?
Clown fish 11 months ago
I think they mean more putting on so much make-up they don't look like themselves in day to day life anymore
Load More Replies... cerinamroth 11 months ago
I mean, I just came back from a job interview and, tbh, it was the same. I wore a little makeup, wore an outfit that I wouldn't usually, and even did my nails (pretty badly). I want the job!
#39
Bullying didn't used to be a big deal since everyone asumed victims would grow up tougher, or lame but eventually getting their "cold" revenge as adults so it would be nobody else's problem.
Nowdays, it easilly leads to school shootings and s***ides.
Panda McPandaface 11 months ago
My school years were agony. I don't think The ghosts of that time will ever leave me.
Earonn - 11 months ago
The bullying was less brutal than knowing that all the adults wouldn't help me. I felt like being forced into a torture chamber each and every day of school. Which it kinda was. Today people tell me that I should go to my boss with some issues but the thing is I never get even the idea that I could do that, although my bosses are great. Asking for help is not a tool in my box when it comes to injustice.
BookFanatic 11 months ago
I am so glad I grew up before social media. I knew the bullying would stop once I got through my front door.
#40
Physical discipline by adults to children. It's just abuse. All I learned from a spanking is to fear my Mother coming down the hall. It took me a long time to forgive her but I will never forget.
Feathered Dinosaur 11 months ago
Yep. And I can tell everyone who wants to chime in with "but it didn't do any harm to meet!"... yes, it probably did you a lot of harm, stunted your emotional maturation and ability to deal with negative feelings. If you're all good then it's DESPITE being spanked. You were lucky you were resilient enough, congratulations
Judy Reynolds 11 months ago
I'm still afraid of my father's anger, and he has been dead more than 10 years.
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#41
My body. I started having sciatic pain around 16. At this I learned I was born with an extra vertebra or joint (not sure which, can not get any professionals to agree and I've stopped caring) in my hip area. So, related. Started getting treatment. Had issues and treated it off and on for decades. Things have just gotten worse, I have some disc compression, arthritis, c**p. I'm only 43.
I don't know that I could've done much to prevent the pain I'm in now, but I wish I'd maybe had a heads up?
Ace 11 months ago
Why are you still accepting a partial diagnosis? You should have enough information to understand what's going on and what you can do to at least alleviate the pain. I do hope this isn't just a result of not being able to afford proper medical care.
Sue User 11 months ago (edited)
It is not just about money in USA. Doctors refuse to look at your medical history. They will order new tests, even if you had the same test , because they dont trust the other doctors ir something. They contradict each other. They will says " yeah, you have this symotom, we dont know why" and just shrug. I had health insurance once ( Kaiser ) that has one neurologist in a 40 mile area. No second opinion happening.
Load More Replies... justanotherweirdo 11 months ago
You can’t get any professionals to agree with you? wtf? I know healthcare in the US sucks (I’m guessing OP is American, ‘cause where else would doctors be this stupid?), but you’d think there’d be some decent person out there somewhere. This world is cruel.
#42
When I was younger, I think kids were not really told the full scope of what "counted" as physical abuse. As a kid, I understood it to mean "Do your parents hit you?", specifically in the form of punches/slaps.
Which meant that other things -- pushing, shoving, dragging, grabbing, yanking, punching the air directly next to your head -- were considered *toooootally* fine! No big deal!
ElfVibratorGlitter 11 months ago
I just started working with a new therapist and the first few sessions were her telling me what abuse/neglect actually is.
#43
Wasting so much time wanting and dreaming of becoming an adult as a kid so "I could do whatever I wanted like adults" with the complete lack of understanding finances, responsibilities, etc.
Should have maximized every minute of being a kid.
ElfVibratorGlitter 11 months ago
In some sense that's lucky though, so many children do know far too much about financial and adult stress.
#44
Turns out its not normal to sell your house and move every 1.5 years. As a kid, it seemed fun and exciting to go somewhere new, but that was actually my mum's undiagnosed bipolar disorder making her move every time she got bored, and she was sending us bankrupt.
#45
Parents never being home.
My mom works a lot so I just figured my friends had similar situations- single parent grind and all. But no most were just alcoholic gambling addicts that lived at the casinos and preferred pretending like their child didn't exist.
Scary prevalent in Vegas.
#46
Scaring/threatening your kids into compliance.
Seriously, there’s better ways to parent than by traumatizing them over any problem or inconvenience.
#47
That emotional abuse is a thing.
Kelly Scott 11 months ago (edited)
Emotional abuse can be every bit as damaging in the long run as physical or sexual abuse. Too many people think it's not real abuse and that needs to stop. It IS real abuse. Here's the other thing about emotional abuse. In a household with sexual and physical abuse, it's found that the siblings stick together and support one another. In a household of emotional abuse, this doesn't happen, leaving the victims of emotional abuse isolated and totally unsupported. This is in addition to people telling them that they have nothing to complain about and that they're not really a legitimate victim. If you grew up with your parents telling you you're stupid, that they wish you hadn't been born, that you wouldn't ever amount to anything, over and over and over, even if they didn't beat you, you are a victim of emotional abuse. Don't ever let anyone tell you to "just get over it" or "you aren't a real victim. You are and you deserve whatever help you can get for yourselves. You are worth it.
#48
How self-sufficient I had to be from a young age. My parents both had to work full time and couldn't afford consistent care for me, so I was on my own majority of the time. I was woken up in the morning before my mom left for work and sometimes dinner was made for me, but that was about it other than my parents checking in on me in the evenings.
It wasn't really their fault entirely, but it's a little messed up how I became a hyper-independent person who is still working on being able to ask or accept help and not feel so fiercely about doing everything myself in my 30's. I catch myself telling childhood stories and it sometimes hits me how screwed up things were even for the 90's.
Blue Bunny of Happiness 11 months ago
Yep, relate to this one. People are shocked that from age 15 I was left home alone at weekends and by the time I was 16 for up to a week at a time. I just thought it was great that my parents trusted me whilst they were out of the country!
Geoffrey Scott 11 months ago
My wife was a SAHM. We still taught self sufficiency and that few people will fix your problems you caused. They are fiercely independent, which is good, but painful for us when we try to help.
#49
My mother would whisper scream at me in public while grabbing my upper arm violently (because I needed to go pee and I didn’t wanna go to the restroom alone). That’s messed up.
She would frequently hiss at me any time I needed something or had even a slight attitude as a child, “I love you but I don’t like you.” That’s messed up.
So, pretty much the entirety of my former relationship with the woman who baby trapped my bio father then proceeded to hate me my whole life.
Stephanie A Mutti 11 months ago
I got the "I love you but I don't like you" stuff too. It's incredibly toxic. It's ok to tell your kid you aren't pleased with their behavior in this moment BUT telling them that it's THEM that you don't like is setting your kid up for a lot of hard work to overcome the trauma in adulthood.
Geoffrey Scott 11 months ago
Not that traumatic, but my Mom whispering VERY loud at me and my wife "you can't wear shorts in church". Boy did the pastor bawl HER out. "They showed up! What's wrong with shorts?" Love ya Pastor Jack.
#50
Social isolation.
My parents got divorced and moved a few hours from each other. They were codependent on us kids, and very controlling of our time and keeping us near them. I effectively didn't have friends from the second grade until I went to University.
I struggled for years to form meaningful or lasting relationships. Still do. Once you're behind on this stuff, it's hard to catch up. Spent my 20s learning things and making mistakes most people did in high school. .
#51
When I was a kid, my grandparents used to buy a lot of big fancy fireworks for Fourth of July. They used to have me light them because "I could run away the fastest".
As an adult, after seeing the damage fireworks can do, I am a little horrified they entrusted this task to an elementary school student.
#52
The Bible.
Uncle Schmickle 11 months ago
Now in my '70s, I realise there's lots of good stuff in it, but as a child / teenager, it didn't make any sense to me. When discussed with younger people, it should be emphasised that the stories are allegorical and teach important lessons as to how we should lead our lives and treat our fellow human beings ...... and animals.
Miles Mawyer 11 months ago
I"m not sure we read the same book, because the one I read advocated for the stoning of people (and animals! Ex 21:28), had God ruin someone's life just to prove a point (Job), and had him rain down sulfur and brimstone on a city because the entire city was "bad", with the exception of 2 people, and sent an angel to kill sleeping soldiers. I don't see that it's worth the time to find the "good stuff" and decipher the "allegory"
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Dorma Hughes 11 months ago
The Bible is just a book. It is what people do with what they read that can be a either a problem or a solution.
#53
My siblings and I grew up in home where both parents were hoarders. I didn't realize just how bad it was (even though CPS was called once when I was like 12) until I watched the Hoarders show in my late teens.
#54
Growing up, I didn't realize how messed up it was that my parents never talked openly about mental health. It was sort of a taboo topic, and seeking therapy or acknowledging mental health struggles was seen as a sign of weakness. As I got older, I came to understand the importance of destigmatizing mental health issues and the value of seeking help when needed. It's something I wish I had recognized earlier to promote a healthier mindset from the start.
Panda McPandaface 11 months ago
When I was a kid in the 60s/70s I don't think mental health existed as a concept outside of lunatic asylums. It certainly never got mentioned.
#55
How much my parents drank everyday. I thought it was completely normal to drink a 12 pack or a box of wine per night. My parents keep their lives together and are productive people!
I drank for 6 years and ended up homeless. Been sober a long time now. Alcohol continues to be the biggest wedge in our relationship.
#56
How there couldn't be any alcohol in the house, like if you bought a bottle you drank it in the same day. At least how my parents did it. It was like candy to kids, if they knew it was there, they got to have it.
#57
My family dynamic and a lot of neglect I experienced. My mother isolated herself and therefore her children from the entire family. I didn’t realize it wasn’t normal to not leave the house for days or weeks on end as a kid. Of course, during the school year, I would go to school but otherwise literally never left the house. During the summer, there were no family visits or barbecues or family functions of any kind. As I got older, my mother remarried and almost entirely forgot about me. I couldn’t join any school clubs or activities. Couldn’t play sports. Couldn’t see friends. My entire life was my room, which I wouldn’t leave for literally weeks on end during the summers. I hated my f*****g life and blamed myself for so long but I am realizing now how awful my mother was. I am incredibly resentful and have basically no relationship with her anymore. And, because of her, no relationship with any extended family whatsoever. It’s been lonely.
cerinamroth 11 months ago
We didn't have people round either, it was too difficult to keep up the facade of happy families for long. When I left home, I moved abroad to get as far away as I could. We don't have family functions or anything either, but that's because we've both worked hard to achieve independence from our terrible family histories. I do feel sad when my children mention their friends' grandparents and how they see them all the time and go round after school and so on.
#58
Work not understanding that people and their children get sick as well as the immediate push for children to be more independent.
#60
Paying >70k for a college degree that I’m not even using.
Geoffrey Scott 11 months ago
EDU Inc. I urge most kids I meet to go trades. No or little debt, up to $45k/yr to start
#61
Older men hitting on teenage / underage women
I know this sounds f****d up to say & like everyone knows it’s wrong / weird now days. But at 15yo my mindset was s**t to say the least. I blame it on growing up in a pretty conservative household and small town and the values that placed on me as a woman.
ANYWHOO - When I was younger I would take it as a compliment when old men would cat call, holler, hit me up on Instagram. I even went out with a guy that was 24 when I was 18. (Come to find out later down the road that he was 28)
It took that 28 yo man posing as a 24 year old and me realizing later on that he had lied to realize that I was taken advantage of and used. I remember thinking why would he need to lie about 4 years? Like who cares? I now know the difference between those two ages / time periods of life. Was/still is a horrible feeling and time I had went through - but as Duncan Trussel preaches, heartbreak and hurt break the ego and cause the biggest amount of growth. Did it hurt yes? Did I need to learn from that experience for things to come in my future? Absolutely.
Feathered Dinosaur 11 months ago
Cue my comment above about men lying and coercing to get young me to bed with them
Blue Bunny of Happiness 11 months ago (edited)
Yep, when I was in sixth form, so 17/18 years old, some of my friends hung out with guys they met at the evangelical church. One used to give us lifts hime from school which was great, but looking back he must have been in his mid thirties. One of them got married as soon as she finished her A-levels to a 32 year old, whilst the rest of us went off to university. Looking back, I now see how screwed up that was!
#62
Smoking cigarettes inside the house/car.
BookFanatic 11 months ago
Yep. I had to eat fast as a kid or risk having smoke blown at me because my folks would light up as soon as they finished.
Panda McPandaface 11 months ago
As an ex smoker, I agree (who couldn't?) that smoking is bad but everyone smoked everywhere for decades - smoking in the house was hardly 'screwed up'! It was just normal.
#63
For me, how normal it was to be underage partying with adults you work with and them not thinking twice. Now was an adult, I think it’s kind of weird.
Ace 11 months ago
Presumably this is US specific where the general drinking age is 21. In most of the world there's nothing odd about employees from 18 to go out on group events that may include some drinking with their older colleagues.
Rinso The Red 11 months ago
I've had a job since I was 12. So yeah, can still totally happen outside US
Load More Replies... #64
What my grandfather (and other other older relatives) used to call Brazil nuts. The 1970s were weird.
Bill Walker 11 months ago
Growing up in the southern states in the 90's I didn't learn the appropriate name until I moved north. It's just not cool now or then.
Uncle Schmickle 11 months ago
Yeah .... so what ? I assume you're talking about the actual edible nut from Brazil ?
Geoffrey Scott 11 months ago
Yes, but, the oldsters called them '(racial slur) toes"
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Roythomass@hotmail.com 11 months ago
What? What did he call them? Just nuts? Don't leave us hanging!!
Blue Bunny of Happiness 11 months ago (edited)
Just looked it up, n toes. Wow. Thankfully, not a term I ever heard used in the UK. Racism is still far too prevalent both in individuals and organisations, but at least we’ve moved on from this as being accepted language.
Load More Replies... #65
The normalizing of casual racism among children, and the adults who ignored or even encouraged this behavior. Chinese fire drills. N-----rigging. Polish jokes. And so on. As a half asian kid, none of this seemed offensive until I grew up. I was called Eskimo because I moved from Alaska to a small town.
The rampant homophobia too. We played a game called " smear the queer" for God's sake.
NetworkMan 11 months ago
We used to call the local Chinese Takeaway, the Chinkese. As a child, I thought Chinkese was just a shorter way of saying it, like calling the Fish and Chip Shop the Chippie. It took the very kind and understanding Chinese owner of said Chinese takeaway to explain to me that it was a racist term. I went there all the time, and he knew I had no hate for him, it was just a word I used as did everyone else I knew. Shout out to George, hopefully, you're enjoying your retirement, and you still, without a doubt, make the best damn Chicken and Duck Chow Mein I've ever had.
Ace 11 months ago
Yes, terms like Chinky and 'Paki shop' were in every day use (in the UK) and not considered unusual or offensive right through the 1980s. Mostly the individual people using such terms had no intention whatsoever to be offensive, we just had no idea how hurtful it could be or that it was a sign of a society in which racism was still deeply entrenched.
Load More Replies... Michael Largey 11 months ago
I had an applicant use the term "n-----rigging" in a job interview. We finished up rather quickly.
SirWriteALot 11 months ago
"russian chandelier" is what we call(ed) just a single light bulb as a temporary source of light. (like when you're moving in and still haven't decided on what lamp to hang up)
#66
I was a horrible brother who bullied my younger brother when I should have been protecting and loving him. He's 5 years younger than me. We had a very bad relationship in our young years because he was never taught to respect my personal space. He broke my toys, k*lled my pets, and made my Nintendo nearly unplayable after spilling a Mtn. Dew in it. I was just mean and angry. He was overweight and reclusive and I teased him for it. He would pick his nose and eat the boogers on the school bus and kids would call him names for it. I just went along with it. Had I been a bigger (physically and emotionally) person I would have stood up for him, but I was small minded and physically small so fighting would have been a bad idea.
I have apologized multiple times but he still holds a grudge and we barely have a relationship. On my last visit he went off on me and told me everything I used to do and how it made him feel. He said I never apologized, despite me doing so multiple times in the last few years. We're both in our 40s now. He is still reclusive, lives with my parents and loves to write and do art. I was making really good money a few years ago and offered to help him move out or do something else with his life. I've given him tons of things to help him with his interests. He's just content where he is.
I still feel like s**t but I can't do anything else about it.
Feathered Dinosaur 11 months ago
OP was just a child! The ones who seriously f****d up where the parents. Also something seems to very wrong with the younger brother if he killed their pets. That's unforgivable and in OPs place I wouldn't bother with the brother anymore, he just keeps being stuck in his victim mentality
Fellfromthemoon 11 months ago (edited)
Something tells me that it's not really OP's fault, but he was raised to be the scapegoat. Some toys* being broken is part of the course, I guess, but loss of pets are definitely over the top. (Maybe those pets were overfed guppies?) Edit: * some means just a few, not regularly many/most toys for years and years.
Uncle Schmickle 11 months ago
I think the younger brother is the one with problems, not the OP. He may have had ADHD or some other brain malfunction. I had a cousin like this. He was a destructive bully loser. Failed in life and has been deceased for many years.
#67
Circumcision. Uncool.
Uncle Schmickle 11 months ago
Circumcision has evidence to prove health benefits, such as lower penile cancer rates. It's more hygienic overall.
Sue User 11 months ago
Somehow, uncut looks less aggressive. I know thats strong word but that is what i feel.
Chuck 11 months ago
I think the child should be left intact and let them decide when they're 18.
cerinamroth 11 months ago
The difficulty with that is that the recovery is a lot easier when it's done as a child. But I agree with you from an ethical standpoint, 100%.
Load More Replies... StumblingThroughLife 11 months ago
You'd think that evolution would get rid of a man's foreskin IF it wasn't needed, but also understand if there was a medical reason some needed to be removed.
Fellfromthemoon 11 months ago
First, I believe, the choice of circumcision shall fall on the adult men whose foreskins are involved. Second, you'd think evolution would uncouple the development of the central nervous system (CNS) from the thyroid hormones. In the amphibians, it makes sense, as thytoid hormones set the rate of development to the ambient temperature and available food, and tadpoles have no limbs, unlike frogs. (Meaning that the CNS representation of these limbs must develop with the limbs - making a connection to the thyroids.) Mammals are born with all their limbs, no metamorphosis. Still, without those pesky thyroid hormones, the development of the CNS is severely compromised. Something that made sense a few hundred generation ago, or even earlier, is not necessarily adaptive anymore. The nonsensical remnants are maintained because a.) they are not lethal, and b.) nothing better displaced the old pattern.
Load More Replies... #68
Pesticides.
#69
The human race.
Taxes.
Psuedo monopolies.
Uncle Schmickle 11 months ago
Planet Earth will not recover until the human race is eliminated.
#70
In the central Indiana region of the US they called green peppers “mangos” for some reason….
Michael Largey 11 months ago
I grew up in the central region of Indiana, and I never heard this. or anything like it
#71
I didn't think my home life whas bad until i started talking to other people (friend's )about the 'silly' thing my dad did.
#72
Oh boy. Uhh. My parents being so focused on my high functioning but special needs brother that I was largely left alone until I was like 14 and then at that point I was so resentful I was a huge a*****e to them even though I was the golden child and got really good grades through college and mostly spent more time alone in my room and outside of that I would just be allowed to walk to school by myself or walk like 2 miles to hang out at my friend’s house or walk to our downtown main drag and hang out with people much older than me and then when I could drive I would drive our second car (yes I know) into the city with my friends and then lie about what I was doing and no one seemed to care beyond asking why the mileage was high and then I’d lie again.
Now I’m executor of their estate and I’m giving my brother anything they leave to me so he can get an apartment. I’m also helping him find a job. Early 2000s were weird.
Blue Bunny of Happiness 11 months ago
My parents loved me and I would describe my childhood as happy. I now realise how much they left us to raise ourselves and the emotional impact this still has on me. I don’t blame them, that was what they experienced as children too, I just count my blessings about all the good bits.
#74
Cops. When I bought my condo ~40 years ago, I had an alarm system installed. The guy overseeing the job was an ex-cop. He told me they used to beat up the people they caught because the justice system always let them off. I was stupid, young, naive, and agreed with him. I am **appalled** with my old self, cause now I know ACAB. That was ***long*** before the internet and smart phones.
Dave In MD 11 months ago
Saying ACAB makes me not care what you have to say and assume that you are just lying to get your "ACAB" point across. I would say that you and anyone else that uses that anacronym are bastards.
#75
Taxes, Medicare. Without specifics, I lose 1/3 of my salary to both that really I'll never see.
SirWriteALot 11 months ago
Explain how it is messed up to pay taxes so that you can live in a place with roads and running water and power and schools and universities and (the list goes on)
Miles Mawyer 11 months ago
Medicare?! You don't see where that goes? In a country where we desperately need more socialized health care, you already don't want to pay for what little we have at the moment? I'm not saying it's great but it's SOMETHING. When this person hits 65, they are going to go "OH! That's what it's for!"
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Geoffrey Scott 11 months ago
Pushback, it's not the tax, it's the burden. When Bezos and Musk are only taxed on the 1st $168k for Social Security and demand the retirement age be raised rather than taxing their asses on every dime? When it's the employees that put them to that level? And must rely on SS when they retire? Dear Panda, a 401k can be halved overnight.
What do you think ?
Lost Panda 11 months ago
I have a feeling I'm going to get blasted for this, but one thing I always felt was: Just because your parents didn't help you emotionally, doesn't make them bad. They are human too, they have their mental health to worry about as well. As much as you say they mess with your mental health, you are messing with their's as well. This is not okaying abuse or anything like that, but I just feel that people should also think about how the parent(s) are also trying their best in this world. Sorry mom and dad for my past transgressions XD
Ron Man 11 months ago
Most of these have nothing to do with childhood and everything to do with people passive aggressively complaining about life today. If you don't like life today, change it. Nothing changes unless someone wanting it to be different starts doing things differently. Or keep complaining and feel like a victim and let the world you don't like roll over you.
Laserleader 11 months ago
How are stories about something that happened during Childhood about "life today"? Did you read anything here? I spent my childhood raising my sister's and keeping my perverted, convicted child molester dad from giving custody of my 8 year old sister to his convicted felon boyfriend for an entire summer. So now I am happy that he passed last year and I never have to worry about what he's doing to teenagers now. Am I just being passive aggressive? Maybe?
Load More Replies... Lost Panda 11 months ago
I have a feeling I'm going to get blasted for this, but one thing I always felt was: Just because your parents didn't help you emotionally, doesn't make them bad. They are human too, they have their mental health to worry about as well. As much as you say they mess with your mental health, you are messing with their's as well. This is not okaying abuse or anything like that, but I just feel that people should also think about how the parent(s) are also trying their best in this world. Sorry mom and dad for my past transgressions XD
Ron Man 11 months ago
Most of these have nothing to do with childhood and everything to do with people passive aggressively complaining about life today. If you don't like life today, change it. Nothing changes unless someone wanting it to be different starts doing things differently. Or keep complaining and feel like a victim and let the world you don't like roll over you.
Laserleader 11 months ago
How are stories about something that happened during Childhood about "life today"? Did you read anything here? I spent my childhood raising my sister's and keeping my perverted, convicted child molester dad from giving custody of my 8 year old sister to his convicted felon boyfriend for an entire summer. So now I am happy that he passed last year and I never have to worry about what he's doing to teenagers now. Am I just being passive aggressive? Maybe?
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