One of the earliest adult realizations you might make going into adulthood is that making new friends as an adult is hard. You're no longer going to summer camps; you have no student clubs and societies to attend and no school group projects to work on. You might wonder, "how do I make friends as an adult, then?" If it helps, you are not the only one confused here; we're all in the same boat.
Quite a handful of threads on AskReddit have appeared in the past with people asking precisely that: how do adults make friends? And although some queries were more specific and enquired how adults make friends while staying abstinent from alcohol, the issue remained the same: making friends as an adult outside of work and school. Considering how many upvotes these Reddit threads (#1, #2, #3) have received, it became apparent that making and keeping friends as an adult is a struggle faced by many. Thankfully, to the rescue came individuals who somehow uncovered the secret to making and keeping friends as an adult. Some answers gave solid advice, and others raised doubts about whether they should be taken seriously at all. Either way, the answers did not disappoint.
Below, we've compiled some of the most upvoted (not all necessarily practical) answers from the threads, revealing how to make friends as an adult. Did you find any of these answers helpful? Give those an upvote. Also, do you agree that making friends as an adult is hard? Can you approve or disapprove of some of the answers based on your own experience? Let us know in the comments!
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MyPeeSacIsFull said:
"In my experience, adults don't want friends. They want activity partners. Pick an activity that you enjoy doing, and find some people to do it with. If you're lucky, some friendships will organically arise from that. If you're REALLY lucky, they'll even stay friends with you after one or both of you stop doing that activity. But mostly, people just want activity partners."
Mostly_Just_needhelp replied
"Yeah, this is hard for me. I just like being part of people’s lives. Everyone is always DOING things. Can’t we all just chill? Talk? Blah. I like doing activities a lot too but they take a lot of solo time to get better at."
"Stand near an extrovert and hope they adopt you."
As Mr G86 said, I, an extrovert, love introverts! Conversations can be short and sweet, very delightful. IF you would like a longer conversation, keep a cordial blab going with me over time; otherwise, I am ready to move on. Many of my best friends, definitely my bestestest friend of 33 years is introvert. I am a 45 yrs old female, I can take a hint whether people want some form of friendship. My social life is fulfilling, now I help my friends connect with each other.
"I met my best friend in the psych ward."
"I'm gonna add a very specific one: the app Slowly. It's an app that acts like a meeting app, except that everything works as if you were sending real letters. You can receive them from all over the world and 99% of people use them to make friends (looking for a partner like most meeting apps). You enter in your hobbies, maybe put in the countries, gender, and ages of the people you want to talk to (i left it open and received beautiful letters from aged people wanting to talk to someone), and there you go! I met my two best friends there, one from Germany and one from brazil, we've been talking for years now. It's too much work for scammers, so everyone is genuine. I can not recommend it."
If you are in Australia and want actual letters to send and receive The Letterbox Project sounds really good (I haven't actually used it yet). Your letters are sent through the project's office, so if you don't want to give your address to strangers there is no worries and they also read them to make sure no threats etc are included. Writing that now it doesn't sound as wholesome as when I heard about them lol.
"If you're around or in a city, walking a dog is the best conversation starter."
"I joined a rock climbing gym and made TONS of friends."
I miss rock climbing. I don't think my knees or hips would appreciate me returning to it now though :(
"Volunteer! I became a Girl Scout leader and have become friends with some of the other leaders & some of the parents from my troop."
Don't just volunteer to make friends. You have to be up for the commitment.
"You stand too close to random people at the groceries and when they ask you what's your problem, you tell them you don't have any friends. Then you hug it out and become friends."
"Dungeons and dragons."
How do you find the people to play with tho ? I've never played and I live in France so it's really not common to see people playing but I've been wanting to play for forever and the only groups I find are close friends that do not accept newcomers
"Went on a date with a girl I met on a dating site. She took me to a house party and introduced me to some of her friends. Never saw her again, but I ended up with one of her friends as a roommate and our house became the after-party spot. Now I live on the other side of the country and I miss them.
One of the best friends I have right now is a girl I tried to pick up at a bar. She let me down gently but wasn't opposed to hanging out again. Many beers and vegan corndogs later we're each other's emergency contacts.
Buy drinks at a karaoke bar."
BassplayerDad said:
"Slowly. Hobbies, community
involvement, through work. Good luck."
worldspawn00 replied:
"If you like doing things with your hands (wood/metal work/fabrics, etc...), electronics, or programming, hacker/maker spaces are great, they usually have themed events and classes, as well as social events, and that's where I made my current friends when I moved to a new city."
One of the top places for men over 40 in Australia to make new friends seems to be the Men's Shed.
"Gathered up the courage to go to an event TWICE instead of trying something out once and flaking like usual."
"I started inviting people from online dating sites who said they were looking for friends to play dnd. Some of them were actually looking for friends. I also started a fencing group in my area and advertised it in relevant Facebook groups. A few people showed up and now we occasionally do things that aren't fencing-related."
"The friends that I have made in adulthood were not made through boozy social situations - even though I'm Irish and we LOVE our boozy socials.
I've made friends through work and through hobbies - I love taking fun classes. I like taking dance classes mostly and when you're going to the same class week in, and week out, you get talking to the other people in the class and friendships can blossom.
You can be friendly and smiley and strike up a bit of conversation and from that, you build up a bit of rapport. I made friends by asking a couple of the girls if they'd like to grab a coffee after class and then it became a weekly "thing", coffee after class.
It doesn't have to be dance - any kind of class works, even if it's an educational one. Evening classes are a GREAT place to make new friends.
Then - and I know everyone's workplace is different, certainly mine is very easy to make friends - through work you can make some nice friends. Sit with people at lunch hour instead of eating at your desk or in your car - chat to people during the work day and find out things about them - if they have a family, if THEY have any hobbies etc. Then, when you build up a bit of friendliness ask them if they'd like to go for lunch or (yes I know, AGAIN!) a coffee after work and so forth.
It definitely helps to be friendly and outgoing. I'm not naturally outgoing but I am naturally a very friendly person so I guess that makes me approachable. So try to be approachable and learn the art of small, friendly talk."
"My turn to shine since I moved countries 3x as an adult. Ranked from most effective to least:
Work: never eat lunch alone, organise hang outs after work
Professional networking organisations: nothing bonds more than hating your industry/job together
Going out alone & chatting up strangers: woman here & have befriended men who approached me this way, so don’t say this won’t work for men. You just have to genuinely want to be friends instead of being a creeper. If you have kids & they have kids, they’ll WANT to be friends
Random fun classes/activities: if you’re both into it, you probably will click
Online dating: surprisingly made many good friends of this. Of course, some were with benefits.
New mom groups: everyone is depressed to a certain degree, sleep deprived & desperate for support"
After seeing how many of her current friends are still in touch with other mothers from their mother's group, 20-30 years later, my mum really wishes she had joined one when my older brother was born. She didn't, because he was disabled and she felt weird about the fact he would be developing at a much slower rate to all the other babies.
"Coffee clubs, or book clubs."
I would love to join a book club, in theory, but I have given up reading most books that don't interest me after a couple of chapters so I would hate having books chosen for me. I guess I technically could be considered part of a book club if two people count as a club, because my cousin keeps lending me books and we discuss them when I return them.
"For me, it is just making a conscious effort to hang out with people outside of where you know them. Most people are down to hang out at least once. If it goes well. Boom you got a friend."
"Long train rides with nice strangers."
I'm going to be taking the Empire Builder from East Glacier to Chicago. But buying a laptop so I can get some work done just in case I creep everyone out.
"Borrow tools and actually give them back."
Nope! I NEVER lend tools. But we could have a conversation about why not I guess.
"Alcoholics Anonymous Meetings"
"Be passionate about some stuff that adds substance to YOUR life.
You don't need a lot of friends.
When you talk to people, strangers, coworkers etc... be your 100% genuine self, this should help you avoid being a doormat. If you find you're still a doormat you should revisit step 1.
My best friend and I really only share a couple of things, our love of gangster rap and 90s hardcore punk, and our beliefs in undying, over-the-top self-empowerment.
That's not exactly shit I hear people talking about at parties, "oh yeah on my way over I was bumping some fuckin Mc Breed and yelling at myself in the rearview 'LOOK AT WHAT YOU'VE DONE WITH YOUR LIFE M*********R, HOW FAR YOUVE COME, KEEP F*****G GOING, CRUSH THE OPPOSITION B***H LETS GO!!!'
Like I said, be your 100% genuine self."
"Ultimate Frisbee. I know the name of this sport alone sparks giggles but it honestly changed my life (100 percent for the better). All over the world, the community around this sport is so amazing, and filled with welcoming, talented, and driven people. After 8 years of playing, I have played with teams in Ireland, Japan, Colombia, New Zealand, Vietnam, Malaysia, and the US who have all welcomed me with open arms and have had a great sense of humor. One of my favorite stories is from my time in Vietnam - my first day in the country I messaged the Facebook group of the local team and explained I was a player from Ireland. 4 hours later I was picked up on the back of a moped and brought to their 2-hour practice. We shared sugar cane juice afterward and it was a great way to meet the locals. I owe my positive outlook on life to this sport and the friends I have made within this community are by far my closest."
"I’m an amateur musician and I hang out where they hang out, music stores, friend of a friend, etc. Hobbies are a great way to meet like-minded people."
b2enemi said:
"Join clubs, meet-ups, activities, hobbies, work, volunteer, online, or simply go out to socialize during the day or early evenings."
TheLastUBender replied:
"Meetup.com has a lot of planned events that are open to anyone. My own volunteer org (Toastmasters) also does a lot of online meetups at the moment, but meetup itself has anything from sports to special interest groups to crafts... really anything."
"Sports.
Climbing, archery, martial arts, European Martial Arts. Historical re-enactment, book, and theater clubs.
I wonder, is there a platonic dating app yet? Tinder, Grinder, Planter? Copyright/ Trademark - 26-03-2021"
"Active sports; my weekly bicycle ride is usually about 30 people. Easy and natural to make friends."
"Go out and do something you like doing. Go up to someone you want to be friends with and ask them a normal question like “hey do you know what time this place closes” or something basic like that. If they seem annoyed or bothered you went up to them, leave. If they seem fine with it, start talking to them and get to know them. Sometimes people just like to hang out. That’s how I make friends at least. It’s how I’ve made a lot of friends."
"Playing table top games at a local game shop, people are generally open to new people and love to teach others. Consistently going you start to see the same people and develop a relationship. It's not something that happens overnight, no friendship is like that. It takes a lot of time and effort to grow a friendship."
"The closest I have gotten to make new friends is through:
1. My Kid's sports - just hanging with the other parents or coaching teams - I don't consider any of them to be FRIENDS, but we enjoy hanging out and shooting the breeze at games, but once sports are over - I'll never see them again, but if I run into them randomly, I'm sure we'll chat for a minute - solid acquaintances.
2. Video games - just having a regular group of randoms in a server regularly is nice, I play a racing game and the others are typically all from other countries, but text chat is fun, and its at least interaction with people I don't live with.
If I really wanted FRIENDS - I'd probably have to go back in time and do a better job keeping in touch with my old group of buddies (beyond here is an edit due to the "it's never too late to keep in touch reply)."
Sometimes it is too late, and people change. Turns out a lot of my friends back in the day weren't even really my friends.
Kichard said:
"Have you considered joining a cult?"
glokzzzz replied:
"You make more money as a leader, but you have more fun as a follower."
"Adults don’t care if you drink. Now, many adults do enjoy drinking, but actual adults don’t really care if you just wanna hang out.
I’m in my thirties. I do drink. My wife doesn’t. Here’s the thing in your thirties. Y’all go to a brewery or some such (well not so much lately) and the whole group will always have a few people not drinking for any or all of the following reasons: -driving -pregnant -on a prescription that makes it inadvisable -don’t feel like it -don’t like what’s available -the flesh drinks only blood
And generally, no one cares if they’re a mature group worth hanging out with.
Here's the question to ask: do you mean that you only want to hang out in situations where people aren’t drinking? That’s a different thing and a bit more limiting.
But seriously: mature adults deal with all sorts of reasons people won’t drink. This isn’t college. No one thinks your coolness is derived from crushing Miller Lites. The only people I’ve ever seen ostracized from a group of adults are people who are unpleasant: most frequently because they drank way too much."
I couldn't agree more! My dad never drinks, neither did my grandad, so even though my mum and step dad do, it was seem as less unusual to me than maybe my other friends when I was growing up. Now, in my 30s, I know many people who don't drink or don't drink much. There are also many more non-alcoholic beverages today than there used to be.
"Motorcycles helped me meet people and as a bonus, if you're into guys you can pick up dudes easily with a motorcycle."
"I have made lots of friends as an adult from church, the line at Comic-Con, hiking group, meetup group, dog park, and barflies. Be genuinely interested in other people and friendly and you'll find some."
"I made most of my friends because I started streaming video games.
I didn't meet them all FROM streaming, but as I started to get to know a few of my regular viewers we became really good friends. And I also got better at being able to tell if someone was gonna turn into an asshole early on. So I got more confident with socializing and I started to meet new people on Reddit and twitter too. I even met someone in the checkout line at Walmart who seemed like my kinda person and I made sure to exchange info with them right away."
"I shoved a book in her face and told her to read it because I had no one to talk about it with. We're still best friends 17 years later."
My cousin used to have difficulty with reading so never enjoyed it. I chose a book for him one Christmas that looked easy to read and interesting and he devoured it, which led to him reading the whole series and then opened up the whole world of books to him. He now regularly lends me books to read that we discuss after. Anytime we are at a gathering and don't have anything else to discuss we just talk books. My brother's girlfriend heard us talking about fantasy books and joined in the conversation, so now I have been able to get to know her better too!
"Online, through family members or current friends, the cashiers you see often at the stores you go to, hell even having a casual conversation on the street can net you some friends.
My grandma has more contacts then anyone can reasonably count. 9 kids later, her world just expanded and she knows a f*ckton of people."
"Join a bowling league. It's easier to make friends with a bowling league because you see these people weekly. I've made a lot of good friends through bowling. They might be weird friends, but they'll be fun."
"In line at a craft fair, we waited to get in and talked to each other while in line. Got inside and walked around together and after that day we started meeting to go to craft fairs and now years later we go to dinner, and concerts and we still love craft fairs."
igorsmith said:
"I'm pretty tight with a couple of neighbors. Play pickup hockey and watch stupid movies in the basement."
Read_Before_U_Post replied:
"My best friend used to just be my neighbor years ago. We just started chatting and hanging out when we saw each other. Now we talk almost every day on the phone, meet up on the weekends and try to play music, and I've made a couple of really great friends through him.
It's worth saying hi to the people round you. You never know how good some people could be."
"Despite all the stigma I can say I have made some very close friends over the internet. Visit a community that has a topic you're passionate about. Since you already have an interest in common you'll never run out of discussion topics and you can talk to them whenever you feel like it."
"World of Warcraft."
swe3nytodd said:
"Brazilian jiu jitsu."
groggs replied:
"This is a good one. I’ve been grappling for about 10 years now and I’ve formed some of the strongest friendships in that time. It’s almost odd how quickly people bond while trying to strangle each other lol"
RudegarWithFunnyHat said:
"Tabletop war and fantasy game groups?"
Smij0 replied:
"This. You can start with Roll20 and If you enjoy your group and don't live too far away from each other you may play some games in person."
I live with a chronic illness and sometimes the only socialising I get to do is my weekly online D&D sessions. Thankfully, this has become something that's more common to do online and over Discord, thanks to people getting used to the ease of it through the pandemic. Silver linings! :)
"Make children. Meet people at their school."
Personally my idea of hell, also, don't make a whole person just so you can find friends.
"The best thing you can do is find friends through work but don't intermingle with bosses. If anything go to a bar."
samsquanch said:
"Related: I drink a lot and I don't have many friends."
Captairplane replied:
"Me too! I can't believe I finally found you, friend!"
GL replied:
"Yes theres 3 of us! What can we do to make this official?"
MajKatastrophe replied:
"Room for one more?"
I sometimes get chatting with someone at the bus stop. Often it's an old lady who's probably a bit lonely and happy to share some conversation. Old people have all the best stories. :D
I sometimes get chatting with someone at the bus stop. Often it's an old lady who's probably a bit lonely and happy to share some conversation. Old people have all the best stories. :D
