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30 Lies About Motherhood That Future Moms Should Be Aware Of, As Shared By Moms Who Already Know Better
You can't fully prepare for parenting. But all the mistruths that society perpetuates about it don't help either.
Recently, Reddit user Stranger_not_danger made a post on the platform, asking its women, "What do you think is a lie about motherhood you want to warn future [parents] about?" and I don't know if it's the anonymous nature of the internet that prompted the answers or something else, but the amount of honesty in the replies takes this thread to another level.
From personal feelings to family dynamics, continue scrolling to check out the most-upvoted ones.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
That as a woman you will be naturally more equipped to care for the child than the father will. That's b******t. With the exception of producing breast milk, men are just as capable of attending to a baby's needs. Parenting is a learned skill just like any other.
Mildly Annoyed Penguin 3 years ago
It's not a competition to see who is the better parent, it's about doing it together, as a family, backing each other, complementing each other's strengths, and masking each other's weaknesses. Anyway, I know nothing. Three kids in and half the time we're still winging it. We just do what feels right in a certain situation, which works for us and, most importantly, which works for the kids.
James Doe 3 years ago
Hormones are immensly helpful when dealing with the $hit (literally) that comes with babies. Especially when breastfeeding mothers get a much more potent high, especially on oxytocin. So yeah, there is a pretty big biochemical difference. A huge factor though is the individual ability to deal with sleep deprevation, which is not gender specific AFAIK. Later when the kids are older and not babies anymore, all of that doesnt matter anymore of course.
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Tams21 3 years ago
Babies are naturally more drawn towards their mothers because of the breast milk but that can be easily overcome if the father simply spends time with the baby. Kangarooing (where the baby lies skin to skin on mother or father's chest) is a particularly good way to do this but simply hearing dad's voice tell a story or smell him nearby (smell is very important in infants and young children) can make the difference. Do it right and mother and father can be interchangeable.
BeepBeepBoopBoop 3 years ago (edited)
soon a younger generation will be judges and I think it will get a little bit better
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Rylosalex 3 years ago
So true. Parents tag team. The mother could cook and clean while the dad could help the kids with their homework, discipline and take them out to give Mom a break. Then reverse the roles...just to keep things interesting and not so stressful. My parents were like this with my brothers and sisters
RELATED:
#2
Not every woman is meant for motherhood.
Ivana Bašić 3 years ago
The only problem is that sometimes you don't realise that until it's too late.
Vanessa Panerosa 3 years ago
My mother absolutely wasn’t meant for motherhood. I don’t mean that maliciously, but in honesty there simply isn’t a maternal bone in her body. Has this caused issues? Of course. But at the end of the day, if she hadn’t had me, I wouldn’t be here. S Because of her, I exist!! and for that I’m grateful.
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Katie Andrews 3 years ago
This needs to be #1. Some of us, like me, have known this since I was in single digits. I can't tell you how that bothers some people, because I don't mirror their own insecure decision. If someone else doesn't want kids (or does), it's no reflection on you and your choices. Stop with the coercion and manipulation already. Speaking as someone who's 54, twice married for 25 years, now widowed. Zero regrets.
BeepBeepBoopBoop 3 years ago
yes thank you. I've always asked the other teens around me if they want kids or not. A lot of them say they don't know, but I've been sure I don't want them for a few years. Dealing with what I already deal with I think it would be too much for me to handle. I have this feeling that I couldn't be in a relationship where the other person wants kids, I think I would end up having kids that I don't want with how easily I can be pressured into things
Load More Replies... Cindy Cooksey 3 years ago
And there is NOTHING wrong with knowing this. Not every woman wants kids, and some that do are not meant to have them.
Pandasizing World Peace 3 years ago
My friend didn't think she wanted children, focused on her career and now that she is premenopausal is second guessing herself. She is regretting not having a child now. There is always the road not taken that can come back to bite us.
Melissa 3 years ago
She can still be a mother through adoption. Better to adopt a child when she's ready than to regret giving birth:
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#3
That you have to sacrifice every single bit of your body, time, and soul for your children. If breastfeeding is sucking the life out of you, literally and figuratively, and you hate it and it upsets you, then stop! Formula has kept babies alive for decades. If you’re at your wits end and are about to have a breakdown, it’s okay to lay baby down in the crib safely and walk away for a moment to catch your breath. Believe it or not, you don’t actually have to do those staged monthly photos with a sign that shows how old your infant is which you then post in FB.
Literally do what works best for you. You have to put your own oxygen mask on before helping others. A mentally well and happy mom is best for a healthy, happy baby.
Tinu 3 years ago (edited)
I don't get the controversy around childbirth and child-raising so much confusion on what is "right" and "wrong" breastfeeding or formula, home birth or hospital, and epidural or "natural" birth, just let people do as they see fit without judgement. I noticed alot of mothers get judged for get an epidural during childbirth because they did not experience real childbirth or took the "easy way out."
Esme Weatherwax 3 years ago
Because people are so judgmental. Especially those mummy influencers. Trust your instincts that's what they're for.
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Claudia Conway 3 years ago
Hear hear! I get a bit sick of people going 'Motherhood is such a sacrifice, you'll have years when you can't hav a shower or poop without company' - it doesn't have to be. Obviously it will be hard if you are on your own or lack wider family support or finances, not going to lie, but if you have a reasonable amount of support you should be spreading your support needs around, not 'sacrificing everything' because you feel it's expected of you as a mother.
meepmeep 3 years ago
I have a very strong feeling about the breastfeeding vs. formula debate: that everyone should do whatever the fruck they want or need to do. Some people have suck strong opinions about it and it's ridiculous - it's not your baby, as long as all of it's needs are being adequately met, it's no one else's business
Andrea Careless 3 years ago
Breastfeeding is sucking the life out of you? I know some women feel that way, and I’m not judging. I find it sad though. For me it was a lovely, bonding experience.
Boggitha Johns 3 years ago
Formula was a life saver for me. I hated breastfeeding with a passion
Carla McNeil 3 years ago
People should do what works for them, and respect that others should do likewise.
#4
Your job is to raise good humans who can be independent one day. Not to make them your best friend. They will have their own friends. If you’re relying on your children to be your friends, you’re doing something wrong.
setsuriseikou 3 years ago
I'd say it depends on the kids' age. When they are grown up, it's much better to acknowledge them as independent adults and be good friends with them, rather then continue thinking of them as unable to make decisions and live on their own.
Mitchell 3 years ago
Being their friend and decision making are not related. My son is over 40 and I was a very young mother. We have an excellent relationship but being his”friend” is not important. He runs his own life and I am always here to listen and provide support when he needs it. But it is important that he has his friends and I have mine. Sometimes things happen, old as he is, and I need to be the parent. Needing him to be a friend would get in the way of that.
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Aisling Raye 3 years ago
TBH yes and no. When your child is no longer a dependent, that's when the roles change and you can develop a deep and meaningful friendship with them. You'll always be their parent but you shouldn't have to "parent" them throughout adulthood if you raise them well. As time passes, roles can change again if the child needs to take on the responsibilities of "parenting" their parent/s because of illness or simply old age. My father had Alzheimer's, I did quite a bit of parenting before he passed (and I'd gladly do it again). I need to add here that children are by no means required to care for an aging parent and no parent should have children assuming they will eventually become care givers for them. That's another rant for another day though.
Brocken Blue 3 years ago
Agreed — 100%. Relationships shouldn’t be so rigidly defined.
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Diphylleia Grayi 3 years ago
I don't understand why is so generalised this conception. My mom is one of my best friends because she has been a nice mom and is a nice person. As it is not 100% of the times happy childhoods, responsible parents, no vulnerabilities. I am lucky and blessed I enjoy my mom =_=
Brocken Blue 3 years ago
Same! I’m glad I’m not alone I’m actually liking my parents as people 🤷
Load More Replies... Esme Weatherwax 3 years ago
I always told my kids that I'm a parent not a friend and they should listen to me first
lenka 3 years ago
I am an adult and my mum still tries to be my friend. She is not. I love her deeply, but our interests and opinions do not align. I put up with a lot behavior from her that I would not accept from a "friend" because the boundaries I have with my friends are not the same as the ones I have with my mother.
Pandasizing World Peace 3 years ago
A parent's job is to socialize their children, teach them honesty, reliability, manners, respect. Of course, this is in addition to giving them love, acceptance, appropriate food and clothing and protecting them from the dangers of this crazy world we live in.
The Redhead 3 years ago
My daughter is 5 she always calls me her best friend. She has her own friends of course & I know in 10 years she won't call me her best friend.
#5
You are not “the giving tree” like the shel Silverstein book. Do not bend over backwards giving everything and doing everything for your kids. It only makes them entitled and you depressed. In fact, the job is slowly returning responsibility to the child so by the time they are 18 they are independent.
Kate Haslam 3 years ago
Don't become The Giving Tree. Spoiler alert: it doesn't end well for the tree.
Esme Weatherwax 3 years ago
You'll be doing your kids a favour. The end goal is to have your children grow up into capable independent adults
Rahul Pawa 3 years ago (edited)
Yes, letting kids learn how to ask for help is very important. Doing it for them before they ask robs them of that opportunity to learn a vital life skill. Edit: Also, it's equally important to set boundaries even with your own kids. It's ok to say no to them. It's ok to let them experience sadness, disappointment, anger, etc. You don't have to take the "bad" feelings away as quickly as possible. Though you do have to be present and show them you care.
SarDemMin 3 years ago (edited)
Yes! So many times I have to consciously stop myself from helping my 2yo because I want him to hurry up. And he surprises me every time by doing it all by himself or asking for help. If we're in a rush, I'll still give him a minute to figure things out and then ask if he needs help. Otherwise, I let him do his thing and remind him that we're here if he needs help. So hard to not jump in and do it yourself but it for sure has made the kid super independent and confident in his abilities
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Mary Jeffries 3 years ago
From the time they were able to, I’d have them get their own cups and plates from the lower cupboard they could reach. They started packing their travel bags since they were 6. I’ll review the items and if they ultimately don’t have something, that’s on them. My kids know they are capable and can do just about whatever they work hard to do. It’s a win-win for all of us.
Ashley Schriber 3 years ago
Or you can model yourself after this alternative ending to "The Giving Tree" by Topher Payne: https://www.topherpayne.com/giving-tree
#6
Sometimes you don’t immediately love your kid. When they placed my kiddo on my chest it was weird and took a couple days before I reconciled that this squirming loud person was the one I carried for months. I love my kiddo more now than I did then, after getting to know them.
And that’s ok. It’s not always that perfect love where nothing else matters instantly. Sometimes it takes time.
It’s also literally impossible to spoil an infant. If they are crying, they need you. Whether that’s changing, food, or comfort. When you let them “cry it out” you’re just teaching them they can’t depend on you. Studies show their stress levels don’t diminish when they stop crying. They just realize you’re going to fail at being there for them.
AndThenICommented 3 years ago
Sorry but I have to add to the ‘cry it out’ thing - If it’s your sanity that’s being tested, let the bay cry it out. It’s hard to do, but it’s better to walk away to another room and release the pressure than put your baby or self in danger.
Sadia Timmermans 3 years ago
But crying it out means you leave the baby until they stop crying from themselves. For as long it takes them to stop crying. Leaving the room and coming back after 15min to collect yourself is not letting them cry it out. I agree that leaving the room to cool down is the thing to do. And if you have a crybaby (I don't know the right term, in Dutch it's huilbaby) you need to be helped. You can't deal with that one your own without going insane I think.
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Sue Bradley 3 years ago
I stand by you can't really spoil a baby by cuddling or comforting them. Some just need to be held, and guaranteed when they are older they will be secure and able to separate from you
Brendan 3 years ago
I get this one. I thought I would fall in love with our first the moment I held him. But that wasn't the case. I cared about him and cuddled him, but I didn't fall in love with him until the next day when I had to comfort him after he got an injection.
Lesley Melville 3 years ago
It took me a solid 3-4 months to REALLY feel that emotional attachment and bond with my baby. Mamas....it's OKAY if it takes a bit. We're all different and I can almost guarantee that it WILL happen at some point....even if it takes a few weeks or months, instead of hours or days. Babies are EXTREMELY demanding and can be difficult and your entire life changes and your hormones are going nuts. It's Ok if it takes you a minute to mourn your past life/self and come to terms with this extremely demanding being who can only "take" at this point and doesn't "give" much back. Be gentle with yourself. 💕
Load More Replies... Lene 3 years ago
I need to add to the love-thing: I am confident that it's very very common for moms to not love their kid at first -and there are also plenty of moms that never feel love for their kids. And that is ok! As long as you still take well care of the child and is there for the kid when he/she needs it. You can still be a great parent even if you don't recognise your feelings for your kid as love. You can still feel responsebility for raising the kid and respect for the kid as a fellw human being. Imo, I think that women are expected to love their offspring for the same reasons as men are not allowed to cry when they are sad or upset.
Jo 3 years ago
I think the cry it out depends on the situation. Most times, ESPECIALLY for a new born, the crying baby needs you. As it gets older it's ok to let it cry for a bit if you're stressed and don't know what's wrong but the baby won't stop crying. As the baby grows into a toddler and a kid, they do learn that crying gets them what they want so sometimes you do have to let them cry it out. It just depends on the situation, you know your kid and can usually tell if they need comfort or are throwing a fit.
#7
You may not want to be a mother. Don't just have kids because that's what everyone else is doing.
CHRIS DOMRES 3 years ago
We went trough counseling to decide whether or not to have a kid. They have you make a list of the positives and negatives of having a kid. My list of positives was much longer than the negative side. We adopted our daughter. But what I learned is that the length of the list was not the important information. I learned that the actual amount of time experiencing the positives was much less time than the negative. And the weight of the stress of the negatives were much more intense than the joys of the positives. The simple joy of walking my daughter to the bus stop for school in the morning: fifteen minutes. The frustrating time put in helping her with her homework because of her learning disabilities: 4 hours. It is not all fun and games like the happy family myth implies.
Sleepflower 3 years ago
I'm 40, I don't have children and it was the best decision I ever made. I went through the menopause when I was 29 and that was like a birthday present!
Cindy Cooksey 3 years ago
There are no returns, exchanges or refunds on kids. You have one life. If you want kids, go for it. If you do t, then don't. Just be happy with what you see in the mirror
#8
Motherhood is not your identity. Don’t forget who you are before you had a baby. That person still deserves her dreams, ambitions, and experiences.
ToGo 3 years ago
At the same time, don't judge the women who chose and are happy with motherhood being their main identity. For some women, being a great mother is their dream and ambition in life and that's okay too.
Mary Jeffries 3 years ago
When my kids were little, I really didn’t have much left inside of me to give to anything else. I totally embraced being a mom and now they’re older, I feel ready to begin to explore my own interests again. Worked for me but I’m sure not others.
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Ray McArdle 3 years ago
I ran across a survey stating that the happiest demographic is the single, childless woman. There were two major reasons to remain childless:. 1. I'm not cut out to be a mother. 2. The world is f*****d up. Why bring a child into this mess? These women were happy with their decision.
Caroline Sinclair 3 years ago
Easy to say, harder to do. Especially if you have a child with special/additional needs.
David 3 years ago
While this is true, the reverse is also true. Parenting (moms and dads) WILL change your life drastically and some people have this idealized dream of what it is going to be like and then the fights / drama / stress starts when they find out a child takes up a huge amount of their resources. Time, money, emotional energy etc. You know those folks who get a puppy because it is so adorable but then struggle to give it enough exercise and attention and paying the food and vet bills? It's like that (for some) except you are not supposed to rehome them or give them to the humane society.
Nora 3 years ago
Sure. But the person I was before longed intensely for a child, and now that I have one, I really just want to spent all my time with her. And that's fine too. This constant pursuit to fulfill personal needs is a modern concept. Imagine telling ancient people, or even just a few decades ago that they mustn't let motherhood consume them! It is after all what life is about. (Not to neg on people choosing differently, to each their own, but when you have kids, you gotta let some of your own hobbies and activities be, at least for a while.)
#9
The moment when you birth your child won’t necessarily be a magical, happy moment like the movies make it out to be.
I was miserable. I felt sudden relief of all the pressure and pain, yes. But I was so horribly shocked about what had just happened to me that I didn’t feel happy. I felt traumatized and terrified. I was happy that my baby was okay, but I felt like I was just beyond messed up and dazed.
I felt like a bad mom for a long time for not being over the moon with joy. But it’s normal to feel that way and there’s nothing wrong with it . Birth IS traumatizing for a lot of women.
UpQuarkDownQuark 3 years ago
Same goes for pregnancy itself. My friend was so excited to get pregnant after years of trying, expecting that she would be glowing with new life growing inside her. Instead she was sick the whole time and in the hospital for the week leading up to the birth.
Abby Not Normal 3 years ago
I’m currently pregnant, woke up, and am lying in bed procrastinating getting out of bed because I know the first thing I will do when I get up is barf for a few minutes. At week 18 of pregnancy tomorrow so it went beyond the first trimester. It will be worth it for this very wanted baby but I don’t think I can do this again. I was basically incapacitated the first trimester. Well can’t put it off any more. Here I go. Wish me luck. 🤮
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Marie Dahme 3 years ago
Postpartum depression is real and women should be given help for this.
V 3 years ago
Even if you don't have PPD, you will be tired, hungry and sore, and I felt really dirty. All I wanted was a long hot shower and a burger.
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Sue Bradley 3 years ago
Giving birth can be hell even for a straightforward birth. Do not underestimate the trauma of it. Also for first time Mums - accept you haven't got a clue how it works and listen to the professionals !!
Tamra 3 years ago
Movies do a disservice to women by their portrayals of a glowing, joyous woman instantly bonding with a sweet newborn. Sure, this *can* happen, but reality is messier much of the time. After sixteen years of infertility and miscarriages, I can assure you I very much anticipated my son's arrival, but the immediate reality was that my body endured a massive amount of pain, trauma and shock. I was bleeding, leaking, and in tremendous pain. My body had taken on a shape I didn't recognize, and I had the learning curve of nursing to deal with. Yes, I'd do it all over again, given the choice, but I'd tell myself to take it easy and not be so hard on myself.
Mary Jeffries 3 years ago
Our media does us such a disservice to show parents in love immediately. It’s so hard on a woman’s body and soul to give birth and become a mother. Total shift. One of the hardest things we can do.
Belladonna.dreams 3 years ago
I hated being pregnant. I felt like a house and when they would move around i thought they'd burst out of me like in alien. I was relieved to get my body back.
Pandasizing World Peace 3 years ago
I was traumatized by the realization that I had given birth to a 24/7, 18 year, responsibility!
#10
That you’re going to be happy all the the time even when baby is wanted- you’re not! In fact, you may even feel pretty bummed or miss your old life frequently and that’s normal . Older relatives telling you you’re a bad mom for not being 100% sparkles and s******g rainbows over baby have forgotten what it felt like
General Anaesthesia 3 years ago (edited)
With all due respect, this sounds like this is just the clueless and judgmental person that this thread is all about. A little empathy, a little compassion, a little life experience outside of clubs, go a long way.
Load More Replies... #11
That every woman has maternal instinct and will eventually develop baby fever. Or if you enjoy spending time with children then it means you should become a mother.
steaky 3 years ago
I enjoy spending time with children. But I don't want them myself. Nope nope nope. It is different to enjoy them a few times a week instead of being the parent 24/7.
Helena 3 years ago
Doting auntie is a fun role. Give them sugar and loud noise toys, wind them up, send them home.
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Beck 3 years ago
My daughter is 25. She has made it clear she does bot want kids. I 100% support her!
Aisling Raye 3 years ago
The idea of a biological clock is such bs. My family went through the whole "just you wait, you'll know what we're talking about soon enough" thing. I never wanted kids, but wondered when I'd start wanting kids because of what I was told. Nope, no ticking away of the clock, no baby fever when my friends stared having kids, and I've continued to never want kids. Now I'm in my 40s and if there was ever going to be some "I need a baby" alarm, I'm pretty darn sure it would have happened by now.
Happy Panda 3 years ago
I think my maternal instinct kicked during a moment that happened earlier this year. The other day, I adopted a very young stray kitten, whose age was probably around 1.5 to 2 months old only. My sister told me the next morning that the poor baby peed and pooed on herself. I guess she refused to use the litter because the surrounding was very new for her and she felt super unsafe. I was still in my bed and literally just woke up from my sleep when my sister told me about it. Upon hearing about what happened to the baby kitten, I just got up immediately and went to take care of the kitten. That was the first time I didn't feel any hesitation about something, especially when it comes to caring for another living being. I'm pretty immature too, that's why I was very surprised with myself. The baby kitten is about 8 month old now, but she's still a baby to me :D Is there such thing as a maternal instinct as a cat mom, though?
BeepBeepBoopBoop 3 years ago
I mean, maybe? Kittens can be similar to a baby lol. We got a new kitten last month so she's four months old now. She just meows if no one is in the room, or if any doors are closed. She constantly needs attention lol. I don't have any kids and I don't know anyone who has a baby currently btw
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TheElderNom 3 years ago
I enjoy spending time with children and I really want children but right now I lack both the emotional energy as well as the physical energy to have children, and very likely I will never regain it.
#12
That you need to buy all kinds of gimmicky specialty items or your baby will suffer life long consequences. Like, I didn’t have a diaper wipe warmer, and my kids are successful adults...Don’t let capitalists take advantage of you and instill fear!
Hyrule26 3 years ago
My father laughed out loud when she saw how expensive those 'baby bathtubs' or whatever they're called were. He did not let my mother buy one because he said we did not need it. He was right. The laundry sink worked fine. Also I never had a toddler bed. Just slept on a big mattress until I was old enough for a bedframe lol. I did occasionally roll off the mattress into the cupboard tho.
Beck 3 years ago
I saw a big blow up flower for $40 that is used as a sink baby bathtub. Crazy.
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Miss Frankfurter 3 years ago
And way back, if at first you couldn’t afford a crib, there’s always a dresser drawer.
Dawn Nelson 3 years ago
I have three kids, one a teen and I never purchased a real crib or changing table or any of that c**p. I used a pack-n-play with extra baby mattress inside and my bed with a towel laid out for changing. Heck, us parents have probably changed our kids in very weird places…poop doesn’t wait for a changing table. I had the money, just thought it was all a waste.
Pizzagirl 91 3 years ago
We've got a dresser with a changing "board" on top, that we can take off once the twins are out of diapers - I can't imagine the back pains I would have suffered (and my 1,92m husband!) if we'd change two babies, so around 10 diapers a day, bending over a bed or similar. I feel it every time we're at my parents' house and don't have that.
Load More Replies... #13
Two kids is harder than one. Don't have another just to entertain the oldest, I know a few people that did that.
Also I don't think anyone emphasises how much you will lose yourself and truly get exhausted by it.
Kate Haslam 3 years ago
As the eldest sister, srsly. Your twelve-year-old needs to be a kid, not your free babysitter. Example: my friends came by to ask if I wanted to come ride bikes. Asked mom for permission. Permission granted, with a catch: I had to take my six-year-old little sister along, training wheels and all. So instead of riding bikes with my friends, I got an hour-long lecture about selfishness. Took her with the next time, she couldn't keep up, I had to take her home. There wasn't a next time after that. I love my sister, but I wish I could've been a kid a little longer.
Victoria Anderson 3 years ago
Same! Four little brothers, all with some form of autism and/or anxiety, really add up, especially when you also have it yourself. Mom and I are currently weaning all of the chores off of her and me, teaching the boys to step up so it's not a shock when I go off to university next year.
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Santhe van der Meulen 3 years ago
I agree that you shouldn't have a child just for entertainment. And siblings should not be treated as free baby sitters. However, I'm really grateful I have a (two year younger) sister. I always had someone to play with as a child. And now we're adults, she is my best friend.
Happy Panda 3 years ago
Relatable :) I'm very close with my younger sister (She's just a year younger than me) My mother can't even depend on me to babysit my sister because of our very small age gap lmao. Also, having a sibling as your babysitter is actually a terrible experience. My oldest brother and I have the age gap of three years and well, he was a huge bully when we were young LOL. Can't believe that he's getting married soon because uh, he kinda lacks common sense XD
Load More Replies... Panda Kicki 3 years ago
I dont really agree. After the firstthe rest of the kids was a breeze. Prob depends a lot on the kids. And while we never use them for babysitting, just having a bunch of kids that loves playing with eachother is a blessing, esp under lockdown.
V 3 years ago
Yeah, there were 5 of us and we hated each other. I very rarely wanted to do anything with my siblings, and now I have NC with them. I am glad that we never had lockdowns when I was a kid, would've been horrible.
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lenka 3 years ago
I agree you should not have two just to entertain the oldest, but siblings are not just play mates. They teach each other boundaries, how to share, empathy, social skills. They have each other as they become adults and have their own children, they have someone to rely on. As you age they have someone to share the grief and when you go they are not alone in the world. There are lots of reasons to have one child and if you only want one then definitely only have one. But don't have one just because two is 'harder'. Its also, in many ways, much easier.
Andrea Careless 3 years ago (edited)
I found two kids to be pretty much as easy as one because I knew what I was doing (relatively speaking!). Three was the straw that broke the camel’s back. But also such a blessing.
Happy Panda 3 years ago
My parents probably thinks the opposite. According to what they have said, it was only hard when we were still very young, but not when we've started to become more independent because we'd already be entertaining ourselves and each other by then and didn't really need our parents' attention much. Moreover, all they had to do was just spoil us with game consoles (jk but maybe not) XD Having four siblings though, I think we fought with each other a lot about whose turn it is to use the console. We all had different tastes in gaming genre too. I was interested in something like Harvest Moon, my sister loves RPG, my brother likes fighting games and my other brother loves open-world and third person shooter kind of games.
Santiago Broide 3 years ago
I have the daughters. They were born each less than the years apart from the previous one. I truly think than once they leave the diapers is less demanding to have two children than one. Firsts two years is terribly demanding, but after that they play together and stimulate each other. If you have only one kid they are all the time depending on you for everything.
#14
That it gets easier or ever truly ends. It doesn’t and it won’t.
I have 3 kids, 20, 21 and 24. Teenage years are HARD and expensive if they play sports, especially travel. Don’t under estimate that commitment either, financially or time wise.
You also don’t stop ever being a parent. Especially if you’re a single parent. My husband died 5 years ago and finishing raising them alone blows.
Both of my sons are military and although they are perfectly capable and have done deployment, they still ask mom for things. Part of me enjoys it, it’s nice to be needed but…. other part is annoyed. You’re an adult, figure it out. Depending on the situation, I don’t help. You fix helicopters, you can make a doctor appointment.
They are my biggest joy and greatest accomplishments but it really is a life long commitment.
Miss Frankfurter 3 years ago
No matter how old you get your mom is your mom and your dad is your dad. I remember when mine passed away I was 41. I remember standing at the kitchen sink and turning around and saying “He was my daddy”. Tearing up as I write this. There was something he did while he was dying that was him telling me he is still my dad. As my mom held me while I cried, she was my mom. I’m 65 and there are still times when I need them. I will still have times I would relish their help until the day I die.
heather7d@yahoo.com 3 years ago
100%! The adult years have by far been the hardest for me as a parent. Bigger kids, bigger problems. My son was suddenly widowed at 25, after a year of marriage. A kiss isn’t going to fox that boo-boo. Also, watching them out on their own, having to make the same mistakes and go through the things we all go through starting out, is brutal. You know you have to let them make their own mistakes but it really sucks to have to sit back and let them.
Andrea Careless 3 years ago
Having adult kids is the most emotionally taxing for me. I love them just as much as when they were little, but they have adult problems and (of course) I can’t fix them. I can offer support, love and understanding, but sometimes seeing them in pain breaks my heart.
Tamra 3 years ago
I can only speak from my own experience, but I will say that once you become a parent, you will *always* be so...even when they're grown and living their own lives, you'll still have worries and concerns. For me, it's not so much that it gets harder, it just...changes. The challenges, joys and benchmarks just change, is all. There were good and bad parts of every stage.
#15
That if you’re young and healthy it will be easy and safe. I was only 27 and a healthy active person, and pregnancy destroyed my body and I now have a ton of medical and very expensive dental issues that I never had prior to pregnancy. I’ve already lost 6 teeth and may need partial dentures. I have extreme tension headaches and vertigo, as well as horrible acne and hair I never had before. They really don’t stress enough how even one pregnancy can completely break down a healthy body
GFSTaylor 3 years ago
Yet some people want to force women to carry and deliver accidental babies regardless.
Marie Dahme 3 years ago
Without regards with what it does to a woman’s body. I developed preeclampsia, diabetes and a very large ventral abdominal hernia that I’ve yet to be repaired. One pregnancy and a lifetime of health problems. Never again.
Load More Replies... lyng723 3 years ago
I was temporarily paralyzed after childbirth it took months to walk again. I still have mobility issues and nerve damage. Pregnancy is no joke
Brocken Blue 3 years ago
Oof— this is one of my worst fears. Already have a herniated low back disc *before* pregnancy but doctors assure me I “should be fine.”
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OneHappyPuppy 3 years ago
I cannot stress enough the need for added vitamins minerals and the lot during pregnancy! Even if you're perfectly healthy, you are dividing your reserves now, and the baby will drag it out of you one way or another. It's the natural process. I noticed my nails going bad and my hair start to fall out more than before and I immediately started supplements. Those saved me, I took them all through breastfeeding too.
Pizzagirl 91 3 years ago
That's not enough to get rid of all the problems described, though. I've done everything right in my second pregnancy, I even lost some weight through changing my diet from completely unhealthy to somewhat balanced (I was overweight before, my twins were and are healthy). I still got high blood pressure, spend a week in hospital in my last month, and still have the high blood pressure 2 years later - before the pregnancy, my bp was good.
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Helena 3 years ago
Yup. Also had cousins that couldn't gain weight. So every mineral was sucked out of them. They looked emaciated except their gut. Those babies sucked everything out of them. To the point where the doctors were having trouble keeping up and one cousin was told if she were ever pregnant again it would likely kill her.
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Jessica Massie 3 years ago
I've lived in Africa for 18 years, and there's a saying: "a tooth, a child." That is not true in the same way in many places, but it doesn't mean it isn't a real thing. The calcium needed for a pregnancy takes a toll on the mother.
Lynn Trapnell Cormier 3 years ago
Complications are rare in childbirth but it is true that your body is not the same post partum. Pre-natal care is a must as you are supporting and growing a tiny human. Recovery does take a while but it does happen in most cases. Stretch marks and loose skin are the momentos of creating life ; it is not an easy job but so worth it!
OnAFreakingRollercoaster 3 years ago
Sounds like the OP got hair "i never had before" so that's a bonus isn't it ? /S
Warrior Mama 3 years ago
That depends on where it shows up; mine was on my chin :-( plus a slew of new food allergies showed up post pregnancy which I never even realized was a thing but it turns out it's actually fault common
Load More Replies... #16
That you won’t have a favourite kid. You will.
XenoMurph 3 years ago
I can honestly say I love each and every one of my children exactly the same. And I tell her so every day.
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Cate 3 years ago
Honestly, I don't have a favourite. I have favourite times with them all. They are individuals and like different things. So I will enjoy weekends away doing very little but read with one. Another adores camping. Another loves visiting historic sites. So I have favourite activities that I share with them, and I am equally proud of them for their different talent and skills.
Pizzagirl 91 3 years ago
I feel the same with my twins. Unfortunately, I do feel a difference with my stepdaughter (nobody can tell me there's not a biological background), but I try to treat them equally. It's just hard to get it right when she's 4 years older and rarely there.
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Salsa Ambiguity 3 years ago
The really messed up thing is when you only have one kid and STILL somehow make them the least favorite. My best friend's parents constantly compared her to the hypothetical son they never had and she grew up feeling like they loved this imaginary kid more than the one they really had :/
#17
That you are supposed to let a child “just cry it out.” No. That is garbage. You answer their cry, each and every time. By responding to them saying they need something in a consistent manner, you are literally laying the foundation of their trust in the world for the rest of their lives. If they don’t get their needs met when they express the need, they will learn to mistrust and be afraid of the world. Always answer the cry.
Tinu 3 years ago (edited)
I get this person's point but some kids just need to be ignored (not neglected) because they throw tantrums for absolutely useless reasons and attention. Like crying because they couldn't eat ice cream for breakfast, trust me I had three cousins under the age of 6. They are a handful you can't possibly attend to their tantrums everytime. By the way I am referring to toddlers not infants because the pic clearly shows a toddler.
aj B 3 years ago
Indeed. Though "cry it out" at least here is usually applied to infants who literally have three communication options at Best. Cry, Giggle, Burp. At least that's the only time I've heard people using the phrase "you need to let them cry it out" and it horrifies me anyone thinks "hey let this child who literally can't communicate beyond 'I Need Something' just lose their mind and think you don't care about it's needs."
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Stephanie Goulet 3 years ago (edited)
This comment should specify an AGE of the child. We DO, inadvertently, teach our kids to wail and tantrum as they roll into their threes. Starting around three, it is a GOOD idea not to leap at every cry. By then, hopefully, you can understand what it is they are really saying when they are crying. Also, controlled crying -- allowing them to cry and reassuring them at increasing intervals, can help small children learn to fall back asleep during a partial waking after developing a sleep association. Rested kids are happy kids.
Pizzagirl 91 3 years ago
Also, it's okay if you just CAN'T answer every cry immediately. I've felt so much guilt when my twins were just born, because I HAD to take a shower sometimes, even when they'd cry, or I'd turn off the baby monitor unconsciously. Your (mental) health is PARAMOUNT so you can take care of your child. If you're having a meltdown because you've slept 3 hours in the last 2 days, please, put the crying baby in a safe place and go get a breather, or get help.
Load More Replies... Caroline Sinclair 3 years ago
Your child's distress at not getting what they want is real. You do not need to feed them ice cream for breakfast but you DO need to acknowledge the distress and empathise, whilst teaching them the highly important lesson that being upset is not the end of the world and they WILL feel better. All a two year old understands is that the world feels wrong: they cannot differentiate between major and minor problems.
Happy Panda 3 years ago
This is the part of parenting that makes it difficult for me to like the idea of parenting. A child's mind is the most malleable when they are at a very young age (Hence why children are encouraged to learn skills like violin, piano etc early). A malleable mind means that the mind is also easily affected by their surroundings. Hence, if something bad were to happened during that malleable age, it's gonna be with them forever and to change it will be a very long and arduous journey :(
Susie Elle 3 years ago
I think 'crying it out' applies more to toddlers having a tantrum than to a baby crying. I mean, a baby can't cry just for the crying yet, right? It's a baby, it can't think of stuff like that yet. A baby cries, it needs something.
Robin Rush 3 years ago
The only problem I see is that my friend for example, her kids (12 and 6) know that if they whine or cry, she will give in. They stay home sick a lot because if they cry about feeling bad, mommy will cave. At a certain point, we have to put our foot down to the crying. Obviously for the first year or even 2-3, yes, be there when they call, but at some point, the crying needs to be ignored
#18
That it's all joy and happiness and sunshine and the best thing ever. I saw a friend of FB asking others opinions on having kids as she wasn't sure. So many people were like ,"it's the best feeling ever and there's so much joy". Not a single one told her that it would likely also strain her marriage due to the extreme changes in the first year after having a baby, that she would feel exhausted and that as the child grew they would still demand a lot of her time and attention, and she would lose freedom to do whatever whenever, and she'd have make sure they had a sitter to have dates etc. No one told her the reality. They only tried to sell her on the dream, and I know damn well they all had the downside experiences too. I always wanted to be a mother, love my son and have no regrets, but I never doubted or was unsure of wanting him. And there is happiness and joy, but those are not the only feelings by far. And I feel society tried to deceive women into motherhood being so rewarding and amazing. It can be. But it can also be soul sucking and isolating and no one admits that enough.
Ursula Johnson 3 years ago
There's a great page called "I Regret Having Children" tales that anyone debating should know.
CC 3 years ago
I think we all should publish a book on the truths of having kids. I wish I had known how NORMAL I felt raising mine. Sometimes it was utter chaos, tears, no one to call, no shoulder to cry on, just my pen and journal if I wasn't that tired. I had so many happy times, but no one prepares or wants to talk about the dark sides, teen depression, suicides, disfiguring accidents, divorce, moving on.
Pizzagirl 91 3 years ago
You should also ALWAYS be aware that not every pregnancy will result in an "average" child. I had an unsuccessful pregnancy before. Then I had my twins. Others have special needs children. We always think we're going to get the "normal" experience, but you can be loaded with unexpected hardships instead, even more than the expected loss of sleep etc. When my children get to that age, I'll take care to warn them, they should never try to have a child if they wouldn't be prepared to take on two.
#19
That you'll eventually get your body back.
HA!
Besides the fact that is hard to loose weight, sometimes you just don't have the time or the energy to diet and exercise, specially after a c section.
Sometimes all I want to do is watch TV in my PJs and binge ANY high calorie snack there is in the house.
If I had a dollar for every time someone has said I'd loose weight by breastfeeding I'd be fkn rich.
Body changes after pregnancy.
I had to say goodbye to many pretty and expensive shoes :(
Weird Any 3 years ago
Probably will be downvoted, but I kept my body after the pregnancy. 67 kg right before childbirth, 59 kg on exit from hospital. No stretch marks. Maybe good genetics, but my doctor was always telling me "be brave". And, yes, breastfeeding keeps you fit. My son is a big boy now, healthy and happy, and so we are. Should I say I am not from US?
AndThenICommented 3 years ago
It’s different for everyone. I did awesome during pregnancy and packed it on about 4 months after birth while my hormones went CRAZY. Took several years to lose, basically when I got over feeling deep shame. I get what you’re saying but remember everyone’s journey is different. Also, I’d definitely lift weights during the next one, not just walk and swim.
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Niki A 3 years ago
First of all, your location has nada to do with it. Second of all, everyone is different. My body never bounced back, and it's not for lack of trying. C sections can destroy muscles. My pelvic muscles are GONE. I have no hips, no butt, and no pelvic bone for a baby to rest on. I had skin and that's it. Losing weight with PCOS is already hard. Add kids. And, breastfeeding does not keep you fit in all cases. In two years I only managed to hover at my original weight. I never lost more.
Melissa 3 years ago
Holy c**p! I'm a women's 10 US, I'd be wearing clown shoes if that happened to me. That's it I don't want children.
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Karl Baxter 3 years ago
My mother (80) says she was never fatter than when she got married. 3 kids later she still found her wedding dress too big for her (when she tried it on in the 1980s)
CanidaeVulpes 3 years ago
It's different for everyone. Some things, like your hips if you have a vaginal birth, will not go back to pre-times. Your boobs will probably stay bigger as well, whether you breastfeed or not. Weight, it's hard more so because of the time needed to make sure you eat correctly and exercise, but it's not impossible. I can't speak for shoes. I don't think my feet changed much, but I don't have pretty and expensive shoes to tell me.
M Calad 3 years ago (edited)
Weight-wise, I am thinner than I was before pregnancy. But pregnancy does leave a mark on almost every woman: Stretch marks, saggy boobs, extra weight, skin issues, loose skin, stomach muscle issues, hemorroids, digestive issues, you name it. It's a lottery ticket; you don't know what you will get from it. Only a very few ones get through it in perfect condition. Sigh 😕
Rylosalex 3 years ago
I look at pictures of my mom before she had kids and after she had kids. My mom looked really pretty in the before pictures but she looks really happy in the after pictures surrounded by her kids
My O My 3 years ago
That's lovely! Thank you for making me smile! - A mom
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Celtic Pirate Queen 3 years ago
LOSE people. The word is LOSE! When something is lost LOOSE - something that is baggy.
#20
That breastfeeding is easy and simple. Big nope to that one. My first one didn't latch properly, so I pumped. 2nd one latched fine, and I was really happy, until 3days later when I could peel the skin of my nipples. I cried every time when my baby was hungry before he was near me. I dreaded it so much, I was in constant pain. After a bit over a week I started pumping again. And I felt like an absolute fail. This time it was my fault, and that somehow was way worse. I knew it was fine, he got my milk and even formula would have been great, but it messes with your, already hormonal, brain so much.
Tamra 3 years ago
This is something that needs more discussion. For me, breastfeeding was absolute torture. And I wanted it to work so bad. Turns out, my son had a tight frenulum (little attachment under the tongue), and had an impossible time latching, and being able to nurse long enough to get full. I nursed him every two hours around the clock. I was exhausted and depressed, and he was miserable too. Ended up pumping and supplementing with formula.
Jennifer Aydelott 3 years ago
It’s HARD! Throw all other social expectations of working mom, tidy house, bleeding nips, and mental torture of trying to juggle it all with no family to help. Do what works for YOU, I’ll support any woman’s choice! I fed a rat that moved into my storage shed because she was a Mom. Seriously. That’s how much freaking respect I have for every mother out there! ❤️
Load More Replies... Cate 3 years ago
Jesus Christ. The stabbing pain of breast feeding. Happened every time with all 3. There's thrush, mastitis, cracked nipples. How I persevered I will never know. We were broke and couldn't afford formula etc. I fought through and it was fabulous. But it was a living hell in those first few weeks when you are physically broken post labour and delivery
Weird Any 3 years ago
I must say that I have had an older nurse who helped me a lot, she manually pumped my breasts at the beginning (very painful) and showed me how to maintain milking. For me it was a blessing and my son loved it too. I think that having a nurse with lot of experience by your side helps. Our hospitals do it.
AP 3 years ago
No matter how much I nursed and pumped, I could never produce enough milk like other moms were making. I tried teas, fenugreek seeds, all the dumb little tricks people say works. nothing worked. I was so glad when my kids became the age where they could start eating solids and drinking cow milk.
Got Myself 4 Pandas 3 years ago
I never had any problems breastfeeding, for me it was simple and easy - sure it hurt like f**k for the first couple of weeks until my nipples touched up, it was toe curling tear inducingly painful when the baby first latched on, a minute later it was pain free then suddenly one day it didn't hurt at all. I think it's a little naive to imagine you can use any part of your body in a completely different way and not have some kind of painful adjustment period but at the same time the pro breastfeeding folk don't tell you the reality, or sugar coat it saying it'll be "uncomfortable" - you get bombarded with the positives and none of the reality. I don't remember ever making a conscious decision to breastfeed, I was just having a baby and that was the next step, it was a natural progression - and then I made up a bottle once and thought f**k doing this all the time - all that sterilising, cleaning, boiling, mixing, getting to the right temp - nope, couldn't be arsed with that daily
Miss Frankfurter 3 years ago
It makes me really angry when women are criticized for deciding formula over breast feeding. It’s her decision and no one else’s business to make her feel like a bad mom because that’s her choice. She’s the mom and you’re not. And no one is a failure at being a mom because they change their minds because it is too painful and exhausting. Anyone who thinks she is should be forced to wear clothespins on their nipples for days and awakened every 2 hours, kept awake for 30 minutes, rinse and repeat. Women! Have some respect and understanding for other women please.
The voice of reason 3 years ago (edited)
I didn’t like nursing at all. Basically did it to relieve the discomfort of full breasts and I didn’t pursue it I when started to dry up after 2 weeks or so .
Mary Jeffries 3 years ago
I loved breastfeeding but I had a ton of support at the start. One kiddo was tongue tied and it was horrible until her tongue was clipped. More support from people who understand breast feeding is so critically needed.
Nadine Debard 3 years ago
This. I am still nursing after 15 months, my premature son couldn't latch, breastfeeding was very difficult for both of us, but it never hurt a lot, thanks to all the help and support we got from neonatal unit. It took 2 months to feed him properly so that he wouldn't starve. Today, nursing is a wonderful moment that we love to share together. And lanolin is very helpful.
Load More Replies... Belladonna.dreams 3 years ago
I couldn't breastfeed. My meds dried me up. It upset me greatly but it was breast feed or take my psych meds.
#21
This may sound harsh but don't expect to have a 'village'. Many people I know with young children struggle becaue they don't have a support network or childcare from grandparents. The thing is, a lot of grandparents are in their 40s/50s and are still working full time and struggle to fit everything in. I had no support when my girls were small and because of this, as a grandmother, I want to be there for my kids and grandkids but still have to work full time and can't always have them on my days off. Feel like I fail as a parent AND a now a grandparent most weeks.
OnAFreakingRollercoaster 3 years ago
This 💯 i have absolutely no village at all and it's ruined me
PurpleUnicorn 3 years ago
On the other hand, it saddens me to see so many grandparents taking on childcare at a time when they should be free to do other things. Even worse when they feel obliged to care for their grandchildren because the cost of childcare is beyond their children's means. My own mother lives in a different country but even if she was nearby, she wouldn't be on call 24/7.
Littlemiss 3 years ago (edited)
We have had next to no support. My mother was next to useless and still is. Our friends have had their children and have their own lives. It's just the three of us in this, its sad but that's how it'll stay.
#22
Disciplining your child is harder than it seems.
It is very easy to spoil your kid. Especially if you have the means to, it is incredibly easy to want to spoil the f**k out of them. To buy them everything they want, either because you love them or because they won't stop crying.
It's so easy to want to blame another person for YOUR child's mistakes. You might even often have to catch yourself mid argument and realise that it is YOUR child who was in the wrong.
This all becomes even more true when you're a step-parent. You want to be the ideal parent and have your step-child get along with you or at least take some liking towards you. You'll inevitably have to buy them something at some point, but it's easy to want to shower them with your money to try win their favour. It's an easy trap to get caught in.
I don't know why so little people talk about this.
Heather W 3 years ago
My daughter had brain cancer right before she turned 3. Has lasting effects (impulse control issues, ADHD symptoms without actually being ADHD, severe anxiety, etc) from the brain surgeries and radiation. Standard punishments did not work because they would send her into meltdown. Taking things away would trigger the anxiety to the point she would be curled in the fetal position having a panic attack. Had to learn to get creative and still never mastered it. But she's 18, never been in jail, is not pregnant, and has never asked me to help her hide a body so it could be worse.
BeepBeepBoopBoop 3 years ago
hey I think you did a really great job. Parenting seems really hard and with those extra hardships I applaud you!
Load More Replies... Elaine Morinelli 3 years ago
My now 30 year old daughter said the best advice I ever (kindly) gave her was "honey, the world does not revolve around you." She's an amazing, accomplished adult now.
Mary Jeffries 3 years ago
Then you add in multiple kids with different temperaments. My kids all need different types of discipline as some are more responsible and some are more emotionally delicate. It’s tricky business.
Pizzagirl 91 3 years ago
It's even harder when your stepchild and/or their mother start comparing between their two home lives. My stepdaughter (6) keeps bringing up what she has at her mother's place, even though she's got plenty of things at my husband and I's flat. She's also in a phase where she'll always say she's done things before already, with her mother. She even said that about skydiving, when she heard my best friend talking about her experience. On the other hand, you've got her saying she wishes she was a baby again, so her mother "would love her again". As stepmother, I'm always torn between KNOWING what SD needs (love, attention etc.) and being pressured into FEELING like it's never enough. Pair that with having twin toddlers who I usually understand intuitively, and it's really hard to not f*** it up for all of us...
pusheen buttercup 3 years ago
I had a "test" that I would put my mother's boyfriends through. I was six and my mother had a terrible previous marriage, so when she started dating I felt protective and skeptical. (Even as a six year old) My mentality was "whoever doesn't try to please me might be worth it". I immediately mistrusted anyone who brought over tons of presents. But if someone actually tried to parent me? I respected that. If they looked like they would be honest with me... Maybe they would be honest with her. Love can't be bought.
Miss Frankfurter 3 years ago (edited)
My nephew was an incredible handful and it was very difficult for his mom and dad. First of all, he has ADHD and folks, there is nothing wrong with medication when that is the actual diagnosis. They also discovered several books about a philosophy called love and logic. It’s about learning consequences. Life is full of them. Best learn that early on. It helps with behaviour and decision making. Learned that mom and dad have things to do to keep the home going. He has things to do too. Going swimming later? Ok. It’s time to pick up your toys. If he repeatedly didn’t, well, mom has to use up her time doing his job, no time left to take him swimming. Very quickly learned to pick up his toys. He’s a wonderful man now. Proud auntie!
#23
that it's an end of your own life.
no! not unless you make it so
OnAFreakingRollercoaster 3 years ago
Well I hate to say this but it definitely was for me. 🤷🏼♀️
M Calad 3 years ago
I think this is half true. Yes, your old life ends for good. Gone. But now you have a different one. And it may be difficult in the beginning, but for some it gets better and easier to the point when you can introduce back your own dreams and hobbies. I said for some because for some parents it doesn't get any easier 😔.
#24
People call it having “kids”. I don’t like that phrase. IMHO Ultimately your job is to raise kids into good adults. People who can have loving respectful relationships. Who can be responsible and find their way in the world. You need to teach them values and ethics. Money skills, how credit card debt can hold them back. When they are really young how to take care of their nice belongings. Not to waste food and water. The importance of taking care of yourself and how to do that when life is challenging. The ability to laugh at yourself and not take things to serious. Many of these lessons are learned by example the parent/parents or family lives by.
RagDollLali 3 years ago
This. This is so important, and something so few people tak into consideration at the beginning of their children's lives. It's really hard to think beyond the age that they're at, but every consistent action or attitude you take with your children will eventually affect what kind of human being they are as adults. I find myself growing and changing my behavior all the time since I realized that my kids are watching so closely and will learn from everything I do.
Miss Frankfurter 3 years ago
“We’re having a baby!” Well, for a very short period of time you are. But actually you’re giving birth to a person.
Sylvia_SilverVampire 3 years ago
The question should not be 'do you want to have a baby?', it should be 'do you want to raise a person?'
David 3 years ago
Not sure what your problem is with the term "kids". They literally are. kid = "a child or young person." Yes to the rest of what you said but that is just the process of trying to raise your "kid" into a decent young adult. I kind of get the vibe you want mini-adults and don't want them to be kids.
#25
(am a child but) if your older kid is 10+ yrs older than the younger kid, don't expect them to b a parent to the younger 1
My 16 yo cousin has to p much b a mom to her 3 yo sis cuz her actual mom is either out or in a rlly bad mood most of the time
Marie Dahme 3 years ago
This. Me and me youngest sister are 10 years apart. I took care of her all the time. Hated it. Hated having no privacy, always having to entertain her, always having to watch age appropriate tv shows, and having her pick food of my plate when she wasn’t hungry but now all of a sudden she is. And I hated being a free babysitter when I never got to go over my friends house on the weekends. Parents need to think if you’re having another child when there is a ten year age difference that YOU are responsible for your toddler…not the older sibling.
T'Mar of Vulcan 3 years ago
My mother was the oldest child and her parents had eight more kids. With the later ones, my gran would pass on the older baby to my mom to look after while she looked after the newborn. With the result that my mother didn't want kids, and for 20 years believed she couldn't have them. To her complete shock, I arrived and then my bro. She loved us and looked after us, but she admitted she wouldn't do it over if she had the choice. Can't say I blame her.
David 3 years ago
THIS so much this. Without spilling too much tea about relatives, I've seen a lot of this and also listened to how much those kids hated it. It is also a thing that will make some kids bail on you as soon as they can. Some I knew moved out so their mom would have be the mom again (to the younger ones still at home)
Got Myself 4 Pandas 3 years ago
My sister is 10yrs younger than me, I've always been her other mum. My children are 18, 17, 8 and 5 - I can count on one hand how often the older ones have watched the younger ones, and even then it's for maybe 20mins while I pop to the shop and I'm always just minutes away - they're my kids and maybe my experience with my own sister makes me feel reluctant to ask anyone to babysit- I rarely have anyone watch my kids, they're only little for such a short period of time, I'm happy to wait to do "grown up" things when they're old enough to not need babysitters
#26
Traditionally, “selfless” has been the highest compliment a mother can receive, and it’s a big fat lie. When the epitome of motherhood/womanhood is to lose one’s self completely, embracing this model only teaches our children, especially the girls, to do the same. We are better mothers, leaders and teachers when we model boundaries, self-care and self-respect. Obviously there is a great deal of unavoidable sacrifice involved with being an attentive mom, especially in the infancy and toddler phases, but it shouldn’t define a mother beyond that. Reminds me of the Jungian quote - “The greatest burden a child must bare is the unlived life of its parents.”
Mary Jeffries 3 years ago
My situation was a bit extreme- I had two sets of twins within three years. Almost my entire existence for a few years was devoted to my kids because they as a unit needed so much attention. It felt a bit freeing to let go any career aspirations or personal hobbies because it would have been impossible at that time. But from an early age we worked with them to be as independent as possible. Makes a great difference in my happiness now they’re a bit older.
Pizzagirl 91 3 years ago
As a mother of twins myself: kudos for getting through that, but also: Holy sh*t, did you actually DECIDE to get pregnant again after landing twins once?! I couldn't imagine doing it all again on purpose! O.O
Load More Replies... #27
That unless you breastfeed full time then ween them onto organic food, you're doing a bad job. I could only breastfeed my child for 4 weeks due to being so anaemic and ill after his birth, my body literally couldn't produce enough milk to feed him. So I started to bottle fed him and it was the best thing I could have done, as it allowed my husband to take over some night feeds and let me rest. When I weened him at 7 months old, I fed him a healthy, balanced diet. I remember being mum shamed by reading posts on social media from parents who made all their children's food and blended it all themselves etc. This guilt lasted about 1 week from me, then I released that I worked full time, fed my child a healthy diet and they were happy and healthy, and I moved on quickly from the guilt. We're all just trying our best to survive parenthood while trying to support and encourage our little ones to become happy, loving little humans in themselves.
GFSTaylor 3 years ago
A friend of mine couldn't breastfeed at all, due to severly inverted nipples. Both were exclusively bottle fed. At ages 10 and 17, both kids are healthy, active and doing well at school.
Twinbowser 3 years ago
When me and my twin were born, my mum haemorrhaged really badly and almost died. She was really anaemic and her milk didn’t come in properly for one baby, let alone two. She was fretting about not being a ‘proper mum’ because she couldn’t breastfeed us, but luckily she had an amazing midwife who told her simply ‘fed is best’. Once she switched to formula she was much happier because we were getting the right nourishment and, like OP, dad could help out as well (especially great when she was recovering from the haemorrhage)
PurpleUnicorn 3 years ago
I breastfed my daughter for nearly 2 years, couldn't get her to take formula, and sometimes it was hard but mostly it was handy. My son, 3 years younger, had jaundice and in addition to difficulty latching, didn't have the stamina to take enough in. Tried for 2 weeks until he pushed my boob away at 2 weeks of age: broke my heart but he thrived on formula. He turned 14 today.
Dawn Nelson 3 years ago
There are so many reasons milk supply becomes less than what the baby needs and I have zero idea how infants survive in places without access to either formula or donor breast milk.
#28
That thinking it’s “the best thing you’ll ever do” is enough to have a kid.
That you can just figure it out.
That it’s ok to be a mom if you haven’t begun to deal with your own childhood trauma.
Having a kid means learning to put another human first. Always. Not at the expense of your own well being, I’m not into self sacrifice and that can absolutely be a form of abuse in itself, but too many people enter motherhood lackadaisically and, as someone who has worked with survivors of abuse and neglect for nearly two decades, I’m over it.
It’s wild to me that anyone can be a parent when you need to apply for a drivers license! It’s wild you can hire full time care to raise your kids while you don’t spend any time with them at all. It’s wild that folks use an ACTUAL HUMAN to magically solve their problems.
I get it. Society makes you think that way. Birth control should be more accessible. Motherhood should be more equitable.
But we are putting real human lives at stake when we don’t implore people to really think and ensure they are ready to be a parent before doing so.
Note: once someone has a kid that kid should be theirs and the child welfare system sucks, is racist and classist and horrible. I’m talking about preventing it BEFOREHAND. Which is why, for the love of goddess, reproductive healthcare should be free and accessible to everyone.
If I see one more post from someone who is thinking about having a. Baby, and someone else writes back saying that “it was the best thing I ever did” WITHOUT mentioning how it’s working out for the kiddo…..
It’s. About. The. Kid.
Rant over.
setsuriseikou 3 years ago
And reproductive licensing should be made free but mandatory. Because it's insane indeed that anyone can be a parent when you need to apply for a drivers license.
Rumina Io 3 years ago
I don't want the state to have power over who does and doesn't have children. That way leads to eugenics and fascism. Depending on the government they might say "you're unfit to be a parent because you're gay" or disabled or didn't get high enough grades in school or were part of an opposing political movement in your youth. No thanks.
Load More Replies... #29
That you're always going to make the right choices for your child.
The Short Lady 3 years ago
Do your best and don't make choices based on an attempt to live through your child.
Sylvia_SilverVampire 3 years ago (edited)
Exactly. They are not an extention of you. They are a completely different person with different opinions, likes and dislikes, and abilities. If you model your kid on you, your likes and dislikes, and your abilities, they are going to end up depressed and with low self esteem because they are being compared to someone they aren't. Being related by blooddoesn't make your kid a perfect clone of you.
Load More Replies... Andrea Careless 3 years ago
With baby number one my goal was to be “perfect.” With baby number two it was “good enough.” 🤣
#30
That it gets easier.
Panda Kicki 3 years ago
I think this is depending on your expectations. I had prepared for the worst, like all the warning posts here. Still waiting for it to happen, but several kids later nothing has been as bad as I imagined it would be, even with some bumps in the road.
digitalin 3 years ago
It can. For me, having babies felt dehumanizing, endless, and suicidal. Having elementary kids means I get a break and can pursue some of my own interests. I think it depends on the person.
#31
Nothing puts a target on your back for abuse like having a child. I can't stress this enough.
Adam Elder 3 years ago
Having read all 36, my take on it, and what my wife and I did was do our best. That's all, do your best, don't be afraid to ask for help, it doesn't mean you're a bad mother, it means you're a good mother. Just do your best, little one will love you for it.
#32
I know this comment isn’t for everyone, but, uh, when the father says he is going to be responsible and involved no matter what, many times they aren’t. Just ask yourself the question of how you would raise a child by yourself if it came to that.
Amy S 3 years ago
It's important for men to think about this too, women can leave or die suddenly. If you can afford to take out life insurance please think about doing so because the financial hit of losing on parent can be huge and struggling with bills is the last thing anyone would want when they are greaving.
Happy Panda 3 years ago (edited)
I'm lucky to have a father like my dad. He was more present for me and the siblings when we were young, compared to my mom because my mom works all the time whereas his job was more flexible. Seems like he is glad now that we're all grown up and have already become adults because he's like, "Yay, I have time for myself now". He's currently in his early 50's.
Mary Jeffries 3 years ago
I think it’s impossible for couples without kids to fully understand how their relationship will change after kids. I had no idea that I’d shift so fundamentally. My husband sure didn’t. I’m just glad he stuck around!
#33
About childbirth:
- don’t look at it in terms of natural vs medicine-lead. Think of it in terms of what leaves you in the best of shape, physically and mentally, to be fit enough to care for your baby 24/7
From this perspective epidural > C-section > natural (drug-free) birth
ETA:
- only have babies if you feel your life will be incomplete without them AND if you’re fine taking care of them in case you become the sole caregiver
- if you’re in a relationship, only have babies if your partner is equally keen. One fence sitter + one wannabe parent = not enough
- you don’t need a lot of money in the first year. You can rough it with second hand equipment and breastfeeding
- make sure to have health insurance for both mom and baby
Lara M 3 years ago
Hard disagree on epidural > C-section > "natural" birth. A C-section is major surgery and the recovery period is pretty hard. You're not allowed to lift heavy things for 6 weeks after. A no-intervention birth is very hard while you're doing it, but the recovery is way faster.
Panda Kicki 3 years ago (edited)
Some take a recovery period after c-sec, others dont. The rate of conplications after "natural- birth is staggering, even in western countries. Comparing studies on what gives the woman less risk are conflicting depending on what parts you focus on. A ideal vaginal birth, yes, that is better. But they rarely are ideal and give permants damage in many cases. The choice isnt that easy. I was out camping one week after mine, twice, and never had to take more then a occasional Paracetamol the day after, then no pain at all.
Load More Replies... OnAFreakingRollercoaster 3 years ago
I had 4 absolutely natural births and they were absolutely a breeze compared to the pre and post partum depression. It's more than just physical 🤷🏼♀️
CanidaeVulpes 3 years ago
I remember asking about a c-section just because I thought it would be easier. Luckily, the doc told me the truth. He also found it sad that a lot of women choose that because of false information.
#34
That all your friends peace on you. I haven’t been isolated and my friendships haven’t changed. It just takes a bit more work (like any life event).
#35
Everyone will judge you but very rarely people will compliment or encourage you. Having babies ruins your body and it’s take it’s toll on self esteem. Kids aren’t moldable like you think, they all come with their very own disposition and temperament. You can do everything “right” and still have a hard kid. 0-5 are the easy years, wait til you have teachers and school friends parents calling It’s mostly not fun, even the fun days like holidays and vacations are a lot of work. Giving birth is the most miraculous thing a woman can experience. Everyone has mom guilt
setsuriseikou 3 years ago
Considering the (terrifying) fact that some women don't survive childbirth, I doubt it is universally miraculous for everybody.
Happy Panda 3 years ago
All I know is that my mom's super glad now that none of her children is very young anymore as the youngest ones are already in university. She told me it was harder back then because of the back-to-back parent teacher conferences, and school events that require parents to attend.
Explore more of these tags
What do you think ?
Sue Bradley 3 years ago
Your child will have their own characteristics which whilst can be tempered, cannot be totally changed. A sensitive or very outgoing child will not be greatly affected by ie nursery will change or help them - no!!!! An active child won't learn from accidents, and a quiet child will likely alway be the same. Don't feel bad if you cannot change behaviours that you feel would enhance your child's life
Mary Jeffries 3 years ago
Having twins really brought that home to me. They are so much themselves and you can’t mold them into something else.
Load More Replies...
An Unpopular Opinion. 3 years ago
Even after this post - I still want kids when I'm older. I understand it's painful, I'm more ways thenone but... I think it'll be totally worth it
Dizzie D 3 years ago
A lot of this is all very negative and quite a few are saying ' don't feel pressured to connect with your child' or 'don't beat yourself up if you don't even like your baby etc'. Erm this is not normal and the vast majority of mothers instantly bond and love their baby. If you really don't, you should get checked out by a Doctor and perhaps treated for post partum depression before it takes a big hold over you.
Dizzie D 3 years ago
To add to this - nature has made it a strong biological urge that a female protects and bonds with its young for obvious species survival reasons. If this feeling isn't there at all, somethings not right.
Load More Replies...
Noname 3 years ago
I don't understand why there are so many articles on Bored Panda regarding women and children. Is there some faction in the USA forcing women to have children and shaming them for not having children ? If so, You ladies gotta grow a spine a stand up for yourself. I have a friend who isn't married and I've never brought up the subject, but she keeps telling me why she doesn't want to have kids. I'm glad she hasn't had kids and I'd be worried if she did have children because she absolutely hates kids-she barely acknowledges the ones I have! I have 4, love them all very much, don't regret my decision, but I've NEVER looked at another woman and wondered why she's as o'd as she is and doesn't have kids. Parenting isn't for everyone!! The father of my eldest children is a great father, the father of my youngest has no interest in being a parent. I made my choices and I've remained committed to my children, but being a parent is not for everyone.
Lara M 3 years ago
Corporate propaganda. It's pretty much impossible to have a child under US conditions (no maternity leave, no extended family support, barely any support from the father) and to remain sane. Since the corporate powers that be don't want us actually demanding maternity leave or other accommodations for motherhood, they pressure us to accept that severe stress in postpartum moms is normal and that it's normal to experience postpartum depression and psychosis and to snap from the sleep deprivation.
Load More Replies...
Katie Andrews 3 years ago
Can I just say, as an older, post-menopausal, childfree woman, how FANTASTIC this post is? Some of us, like me, knew from single digits I never wanted kids, but I DESPISED all the coercion, fortunately none from my family, who knew, loved, and respected me. Other people? OMG WHYYYYYYYYYYYY don't you want a kid? I'm so glad now that the hard stuff is talked about. Growing up, my BS radar kept going off, because it was all toxic positivity, without any real truth-telling about the difficulties of parenting. This is a far better way to be.
Robyn Rob 3 years ago
That post partum depression is a real thing and not all moms are overjoyed during the newborn phase. My kid was in the hospital for first two months of life, and when she got home she never slept and I had no help. I thought I had made a big mistake and had a nervous breakdown. Through meds and therapy I got through it and my kid is a happy and healthy teen now.
Nancy Walker 3 years ago
I am 66 years old and I am so pleased to have read such honest and truly liberating notes in this article from BP. So many could have been helped had these topics been shared openly 75, 59 or even 25 years ago. Instead too many women suffered in silence and without the knowledge that they were not alone, or bad, unhinged or selfish. Kudos to the individuals who shared, and in some cases deeply personal, stories. You are my heros. Thank you.
Sue Bradley 3 years ago
Your child will have their own characteristics which whilst can be tempered, cannot be totally changed. A sensitive or very outgoing child will not be greatly affected by ie nursery will change or help them - no!!!! An active child won't learn from accidents, and a quiet child will likely alway be the same. Don't feel bad if you cannot change behaviours that you feel would enhance your child's life
Mary Jeffries 3 years ago
Having twins really brought that home to me. They are so much themselves and you can’t mold them into something else.
Load More Replies... An Unpopular Opinion. 3 years ago
Even after this post - I still want kids when I'm older. I understand it's painful, I'm more ways thenone but... I think it'll be totally worth it
Dizzie D 3 years ago
A lot of this is all very negative and quite a few are saying ' don't feel pressured to connect with your child' or 'don't beat yourself up if you don't even like your baby etc'. Erm this is not normal and the vast majority of mothers instantly bond and love their baby. If you really don't, you should get checked out by a Doctor and perhaps treated for post partum depression before it takes a big hold over you.
Dizzie D 3 years ago
To add to this - nature has made it a strong biological urge that a female protects and bonds with its young for obvious species survival reasons. If this feeling isn't there at all, somethings not right.
Load More Replies... Noname 3 years ago
I don't understand why there are so many articles on Bored Panda regarding women and children. Is there some faction in the USA forcing women to have children and shaming them for not having children ? If so, You ladies gotta grow a spine a stand up for yourself. I have a friend who isn't married and I've never brought up the subject, but she keeps telling me why she doesn't want to have kids. I'm glad she hasn't had kids and I'd be worried if she did have children because she absolutely hates kids-she barely acknowledges the ones I have! I have 4, love them all very much, don't regret my decision, but I've NEVER looked at another woman and wondered why she's as o'd as she is and doesn't have kids. Parenting isn't for everyone!! The father of my eldest children is a great father, the father of my youngest has no interest in being a parent. I made my choices and I've remained committed to my children, but being a parent is not for everyone.
Lara M 3 years ago
Corporate propaganda. It's pretty much impossible to have a child under US conditions (no maternity leave, no extended family support, barely any support from the father) and to remain sane. Since the corporate powers that be don't want us actually demanding maternity leave or other accommodations for motherhood, they pressure us to accept that severe stress in postpartum moms is normal and that it's normal to experience postpartum depression and psychosis and to snap from the sleep deprivation.
Load More Replies... Katie Andrews 3 years ago
Can I just say, as an older, post-menopausal, childfree woman, how FANTASTIC this post is? Some of us, like me, knew from single digits I never wanted kids, but I DESPISED all the coercion, fortunately none from my family, who knew, loved, and respected me. Other people? OMG WHYYYYYYYYYYYY don't you want a kid? I'm so glad now that the hard stuff is talked about. Growing up, my BS radar kept going off, because it was all toxic positivity, without any real truth-telling about the difficulties of parenting. This is a far better way to be.
Robyn Rob 3 years ago
That post partum depression is a real thing and not all moms are overjoyed during the newborn phase. My kid was in the hospital for first two months of life, and when she got home she never slept and I had no help. I thought I had made a big mistake and had a nervous breakdown. Through meds and therapy I got through it and my kid is a happy and healthy teen now.
Nancy Walker 3 years ago
I am 66 years old and I am so pleased to have read such honest and truly liberating notes in this article from BP. So many could have been helped had these topics been shared openly 75, 59 or even 25 years ago. Instead too many women suffered in silence and without the knowledge that they were not alone, or bad, unhinged or selfish. Kudos to the individuals who shared, and in some cases deeply personal, stories. You are my heros. Thank you.
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