Why are there pyramids in Egypt?
They were too heavy to steal and put in a British museum.
"Oi mate why can't we take the right old bugger out of here" "Because it's too heavy" "P!SS OFF MATE I DO WOT I WANT"
Isn't it great to live in the 21st century?
Where deleting history has become more important than making it.
I don’t see why Brits don’t celebrate the 4th of July.
Surely 240 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.
It is really unfortunate that Islam, Christianity, and Judaism have been fighting each other for centuries.
Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.
Swedish astronomer Andres Celcius died in 1744 at the age of 43.
Though his rival, Fahrenheit, was convinced he was 103.
Why does history keep repeating itself?
Because we weren’t listening the first time.
How do you get Americans to join a World War?
Tell them it's nearly finished.
Last night on Dancing with the Tsars, Peter and Catherine were great, but Ivan was terrible.
Dmitri faked the whole performance! https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/False_Dmitry_I
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles' elbow.
Russian history in 5 words: "And then things got worse."
On March 10th, 1876, Alexander Graham Bell made the first telephone call.
Moments later, he learned his auto warranty had expired.
Isaac Newton died a virgin. That means I have one up on history's greatest scientific genius.
Because I'm not dead.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
A Roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says, “Five beers, please!”
And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and receive eternal life.” But John came fifth and won a toaster.
My grandpa destroyed 12 German planes during WW2.
He was, without a doubt, the worst mechanic in the history of Luftwaffe.
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance.
My nerdy friend just got a Ph.D. on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
But two Wrights did make an airplane!
Did you know that President Theodore Roosevelt was the first prez. to fly? Flew with a Wright Bros. Test pilot, Arch Hoxsey on October 11,1910!✈️ No, the plane was not the original Air Force One!! Do you know which 1st lady was first to fly? Not telling’! Look it up like I did!
What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
The same middle name!
A history degree is useless.
Because there's no future in it.
What did Richard III say when a planning proposal was submitted for building a parking lot?
“Over my dead body”
Between the Stone Age and the Bronze Age, there was The Copper Age...
Back then, people really knew how to conduct themselves...
To the many that have been ritually sacrificed by Aztec kings... My heart goes out to you.
A Frenchman walks into a library and asks for a book on warfare. The librarian replies, “You’ll only lose it.”
"If you repeat a lie often enough, people will believe it, and you will even come to believe it yourself. If you tell a lie long enough, it becomes the truth." Joseph GOEBBELS. Pathetic joke made by pathetic people.
What is Abraham Lincolns least favorite phone box?
John Wilkes Booth.
How do you get rich in Ancient Greece?
Well, step one, become an oracle.
Step two:
Prophet.
Haegel, Nietzsche and Aristotle walk into a bar...
Why?
Why is England the wettest country?
Because the queen has reigned there for years!
It's amazing that the ancient Greek sculptors made statues without arms.
I mean, how did they hold the tools?
No one should have been surprised by the rise of the USSR after World War II.
I mean, there were red flags everywhere.
What kind of tea did the American colonists want?
Liberty.
Why didn't Isaac Newton dodge the apple?
He didn't understand the gravity of the situation.
In a democracy, it's your vote that counts...
...and in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
What do French recruits learn in basic training?
How to surrender in 17 different languages.
Why did Columbus cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
“To get to the culture he would diminish and kill 90% of” would be a better punchline
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hissssstory.
What did the terminator say when he accidentally got sent back in time to the renaissance?
I'll be Bach.
I just found out Albert Einstein was a real person, all this time I thought he was a theoretical physicist.
Cute! Did the scientist, Dr. Harvey, ever return the brain to his family, after he studied it?
What is the name of a severely injured historical figure?
Napoleon Bone-Apart!
What did King George think of the American colonies?
He thought they were revolting.
A major yet unspoken difference between medieval times and now is...
These days, if someone owns a sword, it's a pretty safe bet you can kick their bum.
What was Camelot famous for?
It’s knight life.
If Atlas supported the world on his shoulders, who supported Atlas?
His family and Friends.
What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!
Why were the early days of history called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
What kind of lighting did Noah use for the ark?
Floodlights!
Why aren't you doing well in history?
Because the teacher keeps on asking about things that happened before I was born!
I started studying art history.
I'm really learning a lot. This painter named 'Renaissance' is just amazing.
Which Pharoah played the trumpet?
Tooting-khamun!
What did the Greeks say after Constantinople was taken by the Turks?
What a load of Istanbull.
After World War 2, France seriously considered changing its name.
Unfortunately, Iran was already taken.
For sale: 50,000 WW2 French Army rifles. Never fired, only dropped once. Best offer.
How did the Vikings send secret messages?
By Norse code!
How did Benjamin Franklin feel when he discovered electricity?
Shocked.
My ex-girlfriend is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me!
I want to go say hi but there's just so much history between us.
A joke that only 1300's kids would get.
The Bubonic plague.
How did Louis XIV feel after completing the Palace of Versailles?
Baroque.
Abraham Lincoln had a very hard childhood. He had to walk 8 miles to school every day!
Well, he should have gotten up earlier and caught the schoolbus like everyone else!
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
Do you guys like Civil War jokes?
Because General-Lee I don't find them funny.
You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.
Just plain stupid! There are many, many things to poke fun or laugh about. Wars and human tragedy, and great personal efforts that results are not amongst them!
