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This Online Group Celebrates Sentences That Probably No One Has Ever Thought Of Before, Here Are 35 Of The Best (New Pics)
Have you ever caught yourself talking, but unaware of how your sentence will ultimately unfold? Or better yet, have you ever read something that you never thought could exist in just a single line? Well, you’re not the only one. The subreddit “Brand New Sentence” is a place that collects sentences “never before written, found in the wild.” It has more than 1.2 million members who share unique and never-before-written sets of words they found on the vast waters of the internet.
We’ve gathered some of the most mind-boggling and funny sentences from the subreddit to give you a taste of the linguistic marvels that await. From nonsensical yet strangely captivating phrases to clever wordplay and humorous remarks, scroll down to discover the boundless potential of human language and imagination.
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#1
Unused York City
Colin 2 years ago
Student submitted a report on The Cold War and changed it to The Frosty Fight.
Edward Finger Hands 2 years ago
in case you wanted to know: "The ship of Theseus, also known as Theseus’ paradox, is a thought experiment that raises the question of whether an object that has had all of its components replaced remains fundamentally the same object."
Mary Peace 2 years ago
"A rose by any other name would smell as sweet..."
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RapidUnscheduledDisassembly 2 years ago
Joey writing a recommendation letter for Chandler and Monica's adoption agency, LOL.
RELATED:
#2
Putting A Swimming Cap Over A Fridge
Deborah B 2 years ago
Guys. Are you not aware that mattresses and fitted sheets come in multiple DEPTHS as well as single/double/queen/king sizes? If you're buying an 8 inch double sheet for your 11 inch deep double mattress, then that's on you.
rullyman 2 years ago
Yeah and if you buy cheap cotton sheets and wash at high temperatures, they are likely to shrink. I always buy the deep fitted sheets and never have a problem fitting them
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Sprouted Tater 2 years ago
And still the bottom sheet wrinkles at an almighty alarming speed, I hate excess sheet on the bottom fitted sheet!
Roan The Demon Kitty 2 years ago
idk if its cos I toss and turn a lot, but I have to put the fitted sheet back on the bed every damn day because it comes off the corners :')
Mike Fitzpatrick 2 years ago
Preach it from the mountaintop. Either they don't fit at all or you have a huge lapover. Bring back the sheets of "yesteryear" that fit the damned mattress.
Demongrrrrl 2 years ago
Use a flat sheet from the next size up. E.g., use a Queen sheet for a Full size mattress.
Jill Bussey 2 years ago
Absolutely. I have at least two "fitted" sheets that are unusable for this reason. I bought them from a reputable shop, but they are useless.
Agnes Jekyll 2 years ago
I noticed a lack of fitted sheets in Paris last summer--do they not do fitted sheets in France? If this is true, is this perhaps a new way forward?
#3
Burn The 5g!
Francis 2 years ago
2020 and 2021 feel like ages ago (but 2013 was NOT 10 years ago!). since the end of 2019 until midway 2022 everything is a time blob and feels blurry... anybody else feeling the same way?
Take me to dinner first 2 years ago
Dude I don't know when 2017 became 6 years ago
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Jay Heisenberg 2 years ago
Lol , I remember when the crazy people would call us all sheep because we couldn't see how 5g was the cause of covid
Mike Fitzpatrick 2 years ago
Yeah! Just ask Ted Nugent and the other sycophants.
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Stephanie Brady 2 years ago
I am a high school Educator- desperately trying to educate in this atmosphere.... sigh. I love your snarky post!!
Surfin' Cat 2 years ago
Wait isn't that water who makes the frogs gay? I have trouble following because I'm dead from the covid vaccine!
Sometimes we come across phrases that we never expected to hear or read. These words or word combinations can make us pause and ponder on them for a while. It’s fascinating to think that there are sentences that might have never been spoken before in the English language. Coming up with or coming across such instances feels a bit like discovering a new land.
#4
They’re Feeding You Lies
Me 2 years ago
Texas toast can be bought frozen. But it's actually grilled so maybe you're right after all.
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Me. Just Me. 2 years ago
Of course, once you supply that heat, it will grow exponentially until it's rough the temperature of the sun. Except the middle. That will still resemble the temperature of a Hot Pocket removed from the freezer and left on the counter for 30 minutes.
Mary Peace 2 years ago
You can buy frozen 'cheese-on-toast', (not that I've tried it) so does that count?
Kevin the Manager 2 years ago
You can buy Hot Pockets from a grocery store that was exactly the right distance from a thermonuclear detonation. They will be PERFECTLY cooked!
#5
Enormous Cloddhoppers,lest They Frighten The Villagers
Eva Kašu 2 years ago (edited)
Amazonian Giantess would be a great store name with clothes with larger than (*GASP*) L size.
Jo Walsh 2 years ago
Sign me up! 5’11” 180 lbs 34 in inseam and long waisted. Ohh and long arms too.
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Tracy Butler 2 years ago
They’re out of stock on the floor because it’s a popular size. You’re not a victim. Try wearing a size 12.
Disgruntled Pelican 2 years ago
This right here! Shoes in our size simply don't exist.
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Babsevs 2 years ago
Having spent years in my teens working in a shoe shop, I concur! We only used to get 1 pair of anything above a British 5/6 (US 6/7 I think)
Eastendbird 2 years ago
Must admit I thought sizes 5 to 6 were the most common shoe sizes in the UK (6 to 7 in the US) so 9 seems a bit bigger than average.
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Laura MG 2 years ago
I'm 5'4" and wear a size TEN shoe. The cute little shoes on display look a lot different when they are a size 10 canoe!
Agnes Jekyll 2 years ago
As my mother would say, at least you'll never blow over in the wind.
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Tiny Dancer 2 years ago
Ha ha ha! Try being a 10-11. In women's. Since you were a freakin' teenager. These stompers are nearly 60 now and they ain't getting any smaller! *shakes fist at the sky*
Kevin the Manager 2 years ago
Amazonian Giantess would also make for a great punk rock band name!
Violet Jensen 2 years ago
[having size 5 shoes in society]: this is the only acceptable shoe size for women, all women have tiny fairy feet [having size 5 shoes at the store]: do you even exist
CalamityOne 2 years ago
Try wearing size 12-12.5 in women's shoes... I envy the size 9-wearers, lol...
#6
Op’s Brain Is A Vegetable
HelluvaHedgehogAlien 2 years ago
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Cabbage are great. Kirsti is idiotic.
tw 72 2 years ago
Something tells me Kristi either was home-schooled or went to a private school
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Charity Angel 2 years ago
I vote for "twote" to enter the English vocabulary as a past-tense form of "tweet". Possibly in the specific context of idiotic tweets, but it needs to be a word.
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Paul Richards 2 years ago
Even if you include all the deaths from the sebaequent war on terror, both sides, more slaves still died. dumb kirsti dumb
Duckie Measles 2 years ago
Additionally, one could argue that post slavery's Jim Crow laws contributed more deaths as well.
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Sprouted Tater 2 years ago
Soo, did u miss class the one day in American classrooms where slavery was lightly discussed..
Chris B 2 years ago
No, she probably went to a school where it isn't discussed at all, because it might upset the white kids parents
Load More Replies...Social media can be a great source of amazing content if you know where to look for it, and the members of r/BrandNewSentence certainly do! Created in 2018, this community celebrates the idea of discovering unique sentences anytime, anywhere.
“Brand New Sentence” is all about finding sentences that have never been seen before, so naturally reposts are not allowed. According to the moderators of the group, for a sentence to be posted on the subreddit, it must have “never been said before, or said few enough times to qualify as ‘almost new’”, be “not an idiom (or a translated idiom)” and “humorous or confusingly worded”.
#7
Up Shut Your A** Motherb**ch
Kurichfield the Drunk 2 years ago
Got that mapped to my special attack ability already
Load More Replies... Dave Nalesnik 2 years ago
Reminds me of my ESL friend who was trying to say he didn’t have his s*** together, and came up with “Oh man, my s*** sooo apart right now!” I still use it to this day.😁
Little king trash mouth 2 years ago
That's adorable! And somehow, it makes the phrase even more dire - like "you may not have your s**t together, but man, MY s**t's soooo apart now it's not even close!
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Lucy Reeves 2 years ago
A taxi driver who is originally from Pakistan that often drives me to the station doesn't really get cursing either. Someone cut in front of him, making him slam on his brakes and I nearly ended up headbutting the back of the seat. He opened his window and shouted" You bastard bloody! You are f**k! S**t bastard man!" It was amazing.
#8
“Yours And Everyone Else’s Assassination Coordinates”
VikingAbroad 2 years ago
And then you used something so important under the wobbly leg of the table...
Panda Kicki 2 years ago
And now they are only a few clicks away. Here in Sweden you can look at a license plate and easily get personal number, adress, income, legal record, phone numbers etc from the web.
Billie Templeton 2 years ago
Wow! That would change road rage to even higher unacceptable levels in the US
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Sue User 2 years ago
I live in a rural community. I was looking for a plumber , by using the internet of course. Half were no longer in business and others were from 45 miles away. I asked my neighbor and she said" use the phone book". Turns out they still print one and it is the most reliable way to find businesses. Mind blown.
Terry Tobias 2 years ago
I miss the yellow pages! Looking for businesses and agencies was so much faster and easier! I even kept a small one in my car because it also had maps of my city and I could scan the pages quickly.
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Nice Beast Ludo 2 years ago
The best part was the phone booth had a phone book chained to it as well so you could look up and threaten and plan assassination from completely anonymous untraceable booth on random street corner.
#9
If Raisins Wanted Attention
KnightOwl 2 years ago
I always prefer to sit with the kids! My 5 neices and 11 nephews are some truly wild, funny, interesting and intelligent little people and I love spending time with them. Eg; I have a 5yr old niece who is obsessed with animals (especially bugs) and is full of interesting facts about them, she also loves magic tricks and playing pranks on people. Her 4yr old brother is princess crazy and loves to wear dresses, he is the most sarcastic kid ever, has the craziest expressions and treats all adults like they're idiots because they don't understand his logic (yesterday I was an idiot because I didn't know that his insistence that he only wanted to eat 'no 4' meant that he wanted French toast? Figured out that no5 meant lollypops though.) I'd rather spend my time with some cool little people than talking about boring subjects or stupid gossip, that I don't care about, with a bunch of dull adults!
Jennifer Clark 2 years ago
The iNaturalist app is good for identifying any bugs your niece finds, based on a photo
Load More Replies... Kevin the Manager 2 years ago (edited)
Totally agree. Kid's icebreakers are WAY more thought provoking than adults. "I can pull up my OWN pants!" "My sparkly socks are as sparkly as my sparkly sweater!" "This tastes like boogers and poop!" "Are you my daddy?"
Benita Valdez 2 years ago
I pull the "oh don't worry I'll sit on the couch with a tray table so the table isn't so crowded and besides, it's better for my back".
Mickie Shea 2 years ago
Me too, kids have wonderful, intelligent conversation. Honest and, from their perspective true.
StrangeOne 2 years ago
When I first visited my boyfriend's cousin and their nieces and nephews, everyone f****d off to the backyard and I was left with the kids, as I don't smoke. All I had to do was sit there and talk to them, read them a story while they stared and giggled at my Canadian accent (they're all Mancunian). I have to say hanging with them was the highlight of the visit. We took group selfies and played with the fun filters on my phone, captured some good memories and it eased my nerves and awkwardness.
Linda Mermaid 2 years ago
With no more room at the straight table, I was put at the gay table. After they gave each other some very apprehensive side eyes, they realized this old white woman didn’t care about all that, we had a great time at lunch! We talked about clothes, art, makeup & the best vacation destinations.
The bounds of human creativity know no limits. From cleverly labeling cutlery as 'food weapons' to coming up with ‘moron support’, which means moral support but ‘stupid’, we constantly discover unusual expressions. And if that doesn't surprise you, consider this captivating caption: “Blind bisexual goose named Thomas who spent six years in a love triangle with two swans and helped raise 68 babies dies at the ripe old age of 40”. Have you encountered any phrases or expressions that you believe are truly one-of-a-kind?
#10
Classic German
Bloodyklaws 2 years ago
Couldn’t think of the word gas can, closest I got was “petrol suitcase”
Blarrg 2 years ago
I feel like when I studied a foreign language in school we learned the names of cutlery before weaponry. Priorities?
Charity Angel 2 years ago
I don't recall learning either at school. I learned the French names for cutlery later on, on my own. And if this German speaker watches and/or reads a lot of English-language media, it makes more sense for "weapons" to be a more commonly known word than "fork" or "spoon". I know the words for "[a violent method to unalive someone]", "gun" and "knife" in Swedish (from Wallander and The Bridge), but I could not for the life of me tell you "fork" or "spoon".
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Erica Cochrane 2 years ago
had a guy (i think french) try to ask for a straw, but he didn't know the word. he came up with 'tubule' and amazingly i got exactly what he meant :P
#11
The Children Yearn For The Mines
Matt Du 2 years ago
They were brainwashed watching Finding Nemo "Mine" "Mine" "Mine" "Mine" "Mine" "Mine"
Boredest Disabled Panda 2 years ago
And Republicans are so scared of immigrants that they are now loosening up child labor laws and letting kids work in dangerous professions again. It wouldn't surprise me at all if they tried to open up mining again. All because they created a labor shortage by restricting immigration too much and they don't want to admit that they screwed up and that we NEED immigrants. Let's exploit our children instead!
Jihana 2 years ago
🎵 I am a dwarf and I'm digging a hole 🎵 (That will be stuck in my head now for at least one week)
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Dr. Skulhamr (Skulhamr) 2 years ago
The children yearn for the mines like salmon wish for a bear.
Real Human 2 years ago
Maybe when they don’t have to experience the pain of the coal mines but virtually “explore” and “build things” in a stimulating way…
April Pickett 2 years ago
Child labor is again an issue. Companies are hiring minors to do things no adult would do. The troubling thing is that these kids are anywhere from 10 up and I'm pretty sure they are not being paid minimum wage. Congress doesn't seem to care, I think they are leaving it up to the states and this is totally wrong.
Bloodyklaws 2 years ago
They are called miners aren’t they? Although bars do seem to hate them…
#12
“Peeled His Hairline Back Like A Banana”
Nilsen 2 years ago
Looking at father, grandfather, and at least one of the uncles, he's got it from both sides
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Boredest Disabled Panda 2 years ago (edited)
The older he gets, the more he looks like his paternal grandfather.
This is not the first post featuring unique, non-repetitive, and creatively worded sentences. If you’re someone who likes to roam the uncharted realms of linguistic novelty, check out our previous articles with even more never-before-written gems by clicking here and here.
#13
How Does Failure Taste, Demon Box?
Nice Beast Ludo 2 years ago
I look like an illiterate ahole most of the time because my phone saves random typos and autocorrects to that half the time. Really annoying
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Jude Corrigan 2 years ago
F*****g, guess my phone just does not have time for my antics. Will be censored though.
#14
Dinosaur Sauce
Boredest Disabled Panda 2 years ago
True, but those old Exxon commercials with the cartoon dinosaur really confused people.
Load More Replies... Chris B 2 years ago
Yep, along with my fresh glass of nut juice, er, I mean almond milk
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Nikki Sevven 2 years ago
Imagine how the dinosaurs feel knowing their remains are being used to make plastic dinosaur toys.
UselessKnowledgeFont 2 years ago
I used to refer to people choosing to forgo a plastic bag as saving the dead dinosaurs
#15
Low Maintenance Bones
Lord of the laserprinter. 2 years ago
One word...: Arthritis, then you will be happy if you only have toothache
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Negatoris Wrecks 2 years ago
With osteoporosis you can have both be high maintenance #chalkbonegang
Dick Fint 2 years ago
I'm lucky there. I spent a bit over 10 years in the military and received dental care twice, one because of a POM. When I got my walking papers, my dental hygiene was so far behind that I have low maintenance teeth now. Well, tooth maintenance. I have one tooth left in my upper jaw left now. Thank you US army for the savings on toothpaste.
Mickie Shea 2 years ago
Recently purchased 30,000 dollars worth of fake teeth called implants. Take care of your teeth and when they start costing a few thousand a year there are worse options.
Crybabyartist 2 years ago
yeah but now you have really nice big voluptuous teeth and all the guys love your smile.
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Dak Janiels 2 years ago
Oh, they require it, they just don't have nerves to warn you like your teeth.
#16
It Was The Mouse’s Truffle
Phoenix 2 years ago (edited)
Six years ago, in an old-fashioned inn, my Lindt chocolate truffle disappeared in the middle of the night.
Devil'sAdvocate 2 years ago
Six years ago, in an old-fashioned inn, I discovered a Lindt truffle kept by my pet mouse. Who it belongs to is still unknown.
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My O My 2 years ago
They do make some damage when digging new tunnels into your house
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Tim Nicebutdim 2 years ago
Six years ago, in an old-fashioned inn I found chocolate raisins on my pillow.
DetongLhamo 2 years ago
Last night my son had a possum come into his bedroom around 3am through the little cat door. It was sitting on his desk chewing the top of the tomato sauce bottle.
Huddo's sister 2 years ago
I was already freaked out about mice coming into my house, now I have to worry about possums?
Load More Replies... Knittin'Kitten 2 years ago
Something similar has happened me once! 😁 I was awoken early in the morning by a weird sound, and I saw a wrapped chocolate moving on the ground. A small mouse was carrying it. It was in my room, so I had to lure him into a sack with a sausage and release him somewhere far away 😂
Bloodyklaws 2 years ago
Six years ago my plot to take over the world with mice was foiled /wordplay😜
#17
Uhhhh What?
Kira Luna 2 years ago
Wouldn't it be a flash of darkness followed by a momentary void of noise where all soundwaves are absorbed, replaced by a second of oppressive silence?? Imagine being outside and all of the sudden the sky goes dark and all noise just cuts out as the earth vibrates
Blackstone 2 years ago
Yes I like that better. I could use the moment of silence 😂
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The Original Bruno 2 years ago (edited)
Never worked in computers in a town with overhead electricity transmission, eh? When you're deep indoors, and the way you know thunder has struck is that the light blink out, and the screeching power-supply alarm briefly goes off, before it's reset.
Zoey Rayne 2 years ago
This sounds like something from that crazy dome in the sequel to Hunger Games.
Randy Klefbeck 2 years ago
Sounds like a ride in DisneyLand, or one of the Star Wars sagas......or maybe both.
Bloodyklaws 2 years ago
I think thats actually what an anxiety attack looks like from inside it
Grace Smith 2 years ago
That sounds highly terrifying and I will absolutely be writing into a sci-fi or fantasy book
#18
Go To War Just To Come Home With Btsd
Aboredpanda 2 years ago (edited)
In case anyone doesn't know: South Korea has mandatory military service for all men.
Roan The Demon Kitty 2 years ago
all the other Kpop boybands had to do it, yet they were thinking of making BTS an exception. But they didn't, and they shouldn't. Just because they're a popular boyband shouldn't make them exempt from what every other able bodied man in their country must do.
Java Addict 2 years ago
The people that got hysterical about this are ridiculous. How dare they have to do what every other man in their country has to do!
irissii (she/them) 2 years ago
YES ik. i'm a bts fan and it would be super unfair if they didn't have to do it. sure, it's annoying they aren't putting out music, but they shouldn't be making exceptions.
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astrin 2 years ago
some context: in south korea all men have to enlist by the time they're 30 as pointed out by many in this comment section. it was previously 28 because korea goes by a different aging system (changed to international a few days ago) but it was upped because the government was making a decision on having bts go, notable people in korea get exempt, mostly athletes, and in the time they were discussing exempting them and bts was just like "f it. we're going". and i cannot express this enough; they are NOT in war, it's TRAINING in case korea had to draft if they were in a war. we miss them a lot but it was their choice
KittyGaming 2 years ago
Omg bro bts in the military tho that would be great and their war flashbacks are all the big gunmen asking for autographs
SheamusFanFrom1987 2 years ago
When you hear a gun going off with a Big Bang, just remember WOW, Fantastic Baby before returning fire... XP
#19
Bisexual Goose
Tiny Dancer 2 years ago
This story has made my day. Recently lost my partner of 24 years, George. Dug into this story for fun and it seems Thomas the goose spent 24 years(!) with a male black swan, Henry, until another young swan, Henrietta, came along and turned his long neck. Over six years, Thomas was often seen helping Henry and Henrietta raise their 68 cygnets. Henry passed away in 2009, Henrietta soon took off with another swan, and poor Thomas was alone again, often heard crying for Henry (I'm not kidding, it's a movie!). He soon took the plunge with new female geese that arrived and sired some cygnets of his own. Only to have some goose named George steal them away, lol! There's more at the link, don't miss the funeral (he was buried next to Henry, which begs the thought, they buried Henry back in 2009?!) with a eulogy from the mayor. God bless that goose: https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-5407481/Thomas-blind-bisexual-goose-New-Zealand-funeral.html
fibonaccifreefall 2 years ago
I am so sorry for the loss of your partner! I can't imagine what you must be experiencing, or how you must be feeling. Sometimes, even the tiniest little threads of sunshine that we can grasp, like this tale of Thomas the Bisexual Goose, can be so incredibly important for our healing. Thanks so much for sharing the story and link - I wish you comfort in your grieving, friend; and strength in your journey. It won't hurt this way forever. Or so I'm told. :)
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#20
Moron Support
Mary Peace 2 years ago
When I bought something and it went wrong, I asked my then boyfriend to come with me for 'moral support' when I took it back to the shop. Boyfriend said, "Yes, I will support you morally" which threw me completely!
#21
Tiny Rat
mysterious(all pronouns) 2 years ago
"Chaotic Eating", where the only food you eat is half a frozen pizza and 2 jumbo marshmallows.
Jackie Lulu 2 years ago
Guilty. I just ate 1/2 bag of Trader Joe's cheese puffs and 2 chocolate covered almonds, and it's dinner time.
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Charity Angel 2 years ago
Given I just snuck down my own stairs to make a mug cake, at 2:30 pm? Yes
Load More Replies... Juliette Deroulede 2 years ago
I was once at home alone for a week. I went through a five pounds bag of potatoes, and that is all. Every random once in a while I'd stick one in the microwave until it was soft, put butter and salt on it, and eat it with bare hands while curled up, watching random movies...
Plebbit 2 years ago
I...I think you might be my soulmate. This sounds amazing. Potatoes.
Load More Replies... Dick Fint 2 years ago
Ah! Bedford Stuyvesant Brooklyn. Grew up just a few blocks from Knickerbocker & Myrtle. The M train upstairs & the LL downstairs trains station used to be my lullaby. When the schedule used to change after midnight, I would wake up. Not having anything to do, I would eat. Mostly dry cereal by hand over the sink so the crumbs were a rinse away from evidence disposal.
Sarel Seerower 2 years ago
When my husband is home I go to bed at a specific time (I enforce the bedtime). When he's not, I can't get myself to go to bed.
#22
Orange Cat Behavior
Stimpy 2 years ago
No, they keep sticking smaller and cuter men into postal boxes and sending them to Abu Dhabi
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Kelley Vice 2 years ago
We don't *share* one brain cell, we spend all our time trying to recapture it from each other
Terry Tobias 2 years ago
I had an orange cat that would fall off the back of the couch when he stretched in his sleep. I know exactly what you mean.
Jeff Gabrisl 2 years ago
My orange cat just watched me clean the litter box, peed in it once it was clean, and then took a dump on the pad outside the litter box. With his head in the box, the flap resting on his head. It obviously wasn't his turn to use the brain cell.
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Duckie Measles 2 years ago
Idk my tuxie girl is not the brightest, but she sure is a chaotic little queen. She licks her paws and waves them manically in the air to "wash" her fur. My brown tabby has to help with her hygiene.
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Nikole 2 years ago
My orange cat was really smart… Because of his breed (Norwegian Forest Cat)?
PolymathNecromancer 2 years ago
Yes, yes, our Klyde was orange Norwegian Forest Cat and super sharp, the badasss alpha cat & a total princess at the same time, never put a claw on us but ate mice whole, and the only animal to truly win me over <3
Load More Replies... #23
Gladis The Orca
Cat Palmer 2 years ago
Oh, FOS (for orcas' sake) - can I not even scroll through BP before work without having to think about orcas attacking boats?! (I work in a marine-related job and this has been an "oh no, not this again" topic for... a while. 🙄)
Demongrrrrl 2 years ago
They're still doing it. Gladis has some scars and some scientists think she may have been caught in a fishing net and she's teaching youngsters how to take revenge. I read this on the CNN app today.
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Alexander Elliott 2 years ago
Being [unpersoned] by an orca is one thing. When its called Gladis the Groovy Orca, then scientists just insulted you.
Budcot 2 years ago
Apparently it's just the boats, they haven't gone after the humans on the boats
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Stephanie Barr 2 years ago
Orcas are kind of the cats of the cetacean world. They're kind of a******s, including to other whales, but you can't help but love them. I'm not surprised this is happening. I'm surprised it took so long.
Lauora 2 years ago
Brilliant! Made me smile! A funny thought, a 'fish' (I know it isn't one really) with the attitude of a cat.
Load More Replies... Solidhog 2 years ago
What a twist! Real life based on a film. Please tell me there were 3 guys on the boat and one was the local sheriff.
Lauora 2 years ago
May have been, but it was safe for them to go out on sea!
Load More Replies... #24
Make Better Choices… Scientists Want Them To Stop
RabidChild 2 years ago
Scientists telling seals to make better choices gave me a good laugh. So thanks.
Blackstone 2 years ago
To be fair, I keep telling my dog the same thing. At some point, she has to accept the consequences of her actions. (When she gets herself wrapped in her leash for the millionth time).
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David Leick 2 years ago
Seals: "Only if you humans stop 'accidentally' sticking things up your butt. Deal?"
Mary Peace 2 years ago
So have the seals got Internet now? Or how do they know what the humans are doing?
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Queen Shay 2 years ago
Animals are crazy like people, my fave animal fact is dolphins intentionally harass pufferfish cause they release a toxin in defense that gets dolphins high so the ocean is full of pufferfish addicted dolphins 🤣
#25
Ethos, Logos, Pathosed My Way Into A Date
Tabby_Sohee 2 years ago
Hell yeah! Even I would totally go for someone who hit me up like that, ethos pathos logos your way to romance homeslice ✨
Robert Beveridge 2 years ago
I tried that once but accidentally Athos Porthos Aramised my way into a duel :(
Charity Angel 2 years ago
Hey, if someone has taken that much notice of me and what's going on in my life, they're worth spending more time with.
#26
“… Like A Napoleon-Esque Leader Sitting Upon A Royal Bean Bag Chair”
Tabby_Sohee 2 years ago
It’s a valid question tho lol where DO you guys put it? Is it just hidden in the folds of ur pants or smth so you can’t see from outside?
Nils Skirnir 2 years ago
Most men are right penis sided and well tailored pants allow for this. There are men who are left penis sided and I hear that it can be uncomfortable if one does not get the pants tailored. However, if one is wearing a toga, very baggy pants, or is naked the penis tends to be more centred. Testicles also tend to droop lower on one side than on the other and require similar accommodations. In this instance the phenomenon is the same whether one is clothed or unclothed, i.e. the testicular droop remains on the god given side.
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g90814 2 years ago
Most of us don't have to worry, as it's not long enough to matter, unless you wear VERY tight pants.
BookFanatic 2 years ago
When they were newlyweds, my mom was fascinated when Dad told her about the concepts "dressing left" and "dressing right" (which side you tuck your trouser snake in). She shared her newfound knowledge by jokingly asking her brother-in-law if he dressed left or right. He answered her seriously and Mom was mortified. lol
Debra Timah 2 years ago
I witnessed my mom asking my grown brother that, and he turned the most brilliant shade of red - lol
Load More Replies... General Stukov 2 years ago
Mine does it's own thing, it's a madlad and plays by no rules. Honestly I get funny looks if I'm wearing shorts and as a one native Floridian, shorts were the uniform.
Isaac Nemo 2 years ago
I've never understood this, I have never ever owned a pair of pants tight enough for it to matter or to have ever needed to pick a side. I dont get why that is, though, it's not like my wardrobe is all sweatpants...
Appalachian Panda 2 years ago
Same! I'm 49 and have never really had an issue. But I am prone to wearing tight underpants and loose trousers, so maybe that's why?
Load More Replies... Troy Parr 2 years ago
Always kept where I can find it through my pockets... You see, men's clothing has pockets because...
Amy Manning 2 years ago
What. I literally buy men's jeans because the pockets actually fit stuff (and the sizes are customizable). Now I just... oh gods.
Load More Replies... #27
This Is Real
tw 72 2 years ago
I had to read it slowly, several times - that being said, he has a good point
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Lance LaRocque 2 years ago
Both cucumber plants and tomato plants are intersex (they have fully functioning male and female parts). So if trans means "denoting or relating to a person whose gender identity does not correspond with the sex registered for them at birth" does that mean they identify as some third gender or does just picking a single gender work?
Jane Doe 2 years ago
So they really are gender fluid depending on their needs at the time?
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Lyone Fein 2 years ago
Well I get the Bob one. I mean "he" is a walking ovary, just filled with fertilized embryos. But Larry? This I don't understand.
mysterious(all pronouns) 2 years ago
Cucumbers have seeds as well, I guess.
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Nikki Sevven 2 years ago
So I either need an 8-dimensional bingo card or to be transported back to my own timeline.
#28
Mischievous? Quay? You’re Dead To Me
Snorkeldorf 2 years ago
Ironically, I mispronounce "pronunciation". I always want to say (and used to say) pro-nounce-e-ashun. I mean, if you pro-nounce a word, why don't you use pro-nounce-e-ashun to do it? Pro-nuns-se-a-shun? Please.
Ace 2 years ago
I always subconsciously mispronounce American spellings. Or maybe pronounce them like Americans do, idk. In any case color sounds more like collar than colour in my head, fetus (foetus) sounds like fett-us, hemaglobin hem-a-globe-in, etc. I think my brain does this just to ensure that I don't forget the 'correct', i.e. British, spelling. Conversely when I see ecology in German starting with an o it just seems wrong. Nothing like being consistent with Latin and Greek origins... and this is nothing like being consistent...
Trophy Husband 2 years ago
When I first learned what quinoa is, I said key-no-uh. One day someone in public heard me and corrected me. A random stranger with an accent that sounded rich, so I assumed he was a rich jerk who goes around correcting people to be mean. But in retrospect, I later decided his intentions didn't matter, at least I'm not continuing to make a fool of myself with me ridiculous pronunciation!
Mary Peace 2 years ago
When I first saw quinoa, I said 'kwinoah'. That's what it looks like.
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#29
Just Me And My Fat Body Slipping Around Covered In Oil
Jessica Hobby 2 years ago
Omg years ago my super pregnant friend got stuck in the bathtub. Somehow she suction-cupped her lower back to the bottom of the tub. She was screaming for me to come and help her (I was hanging out at her house). I got her but but damn, it was hilarious.
Trish 2 years ago
I've been lower back suctioned to the tub floor. It's more painful than it sounds.
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Dr. Skulhamr (Skulhamr) 2 years ago
The only way this could be more hideous is if she was hit with a sudden case of diarrhea.
#30
I Guess He’s Right, I Too Wanna See Statues Of Perry The Platypus Outside Every Government Building…
JoyfulZebra 2 years ago
"A platypus statue?" *puts hat on statue* "A Perry the Platypus statue?!"
Nikki Sevven 2 years ago
Looney Tunes was on for 39 years. I demand statues of Bugs Bunny, Tasmanian Devil, et alia.
Junebugjump! 2 years ago
There are no reason to continue to have statues celebrating a treasonous act against the United States. You can’t pretend that a defense of slavery holds the moral high ground. This celebration of treason fills me with rage.
Robert Beveridge 2 years ago
Every skyscraper in America shall hereby be claimed by Doofenschmirtz Evil Incorporated (and I know you sang that)
ZuriLovesYou 1 year ago
I see your Simpsons, and I'll raise you Sesame Street.
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#31
*bees Found In Toilets Are Appropriately Perfumed
Nona Wolf 2 years ago
My team is getting ready to release some new software. I'm adding these to the EULA agreement
Dirk Daring 2 years ago
Ah, yes... The End User License Agreement agreement.
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General Stukov 2 years ago
The sims level vibes. You can no longer impregnate the grim reaper and it can no longer impregnate you. Thanks sims.
your sarcastic bestie 2 years ago
how many facial expressions do the cows have, and what are they?
Mercat Overlord (they/them) 2 years ago
Happy, sad, angry and murderous. 🐮🔪
Load More Replies... Plebbit 2 years ago
OMG Zork! Doesn't happen often that I find anyone who knows Zork!
Load More Replies... #32
“Entirely Too Many Cows”
Chris B 2 years ago
At this point I feel compelled to say there is not enough cowbell in this post. We need more cow bell...
Jen M 2 years ago
I've got a fever. And the only antidote is more cowbell!
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Marina Rocha 2 years ago
I am very confused. Can someone explain? Does he hate or does he like the cows? Why would he need/don't need these cows?
DJR 2 years ago
Depending on the system, too many mobs in one area causes glitches/lag.
Load More Replies... #33
The Full Reproductive Cycle Of An Ipod Nano
Matt Du 2 years ago
Almost there, just need for them to burst out of the chest and drip acid and then we have the perfect accessory
#34
The Bigfoot What Now
Phoenix 2 years ago
My first thought was... Is there another kind of nipple besides a titty nipple?
les 2 years ago
cars have bleed nipples for adding grease/oils/brake bleeding
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#35
"A Life Raft In The Back Suddenly Exploded And Hit A Gay Flight Attendant In The Head"
Two_rolling_black_eyes 2 years ago (edited)
When coming out of the closet, we need to be careful to not accidentally hurt our gay friends.
Annik Perrot 2 years ago
Oh? A gay flight attendant? Are you sure? Those are quite rare ;-)) More important, has it something to do with the fact he was hit on the head? Did he by any chance deserve it ?/s And is punctuation gay? Would look like it, the way you avoid it...
Bloodyklaws 2 years ago
That is what happens when you fly into the Mormon’s den. I’ve never felt a creepier vibe in a city then I did in SLC.
#36
Well, Butter My Butt And Call Me A Biscuit
Raven Sheridan 2 years ago
People who lead these so called, "morality campaigns" tend to be the biggest hypocrites.
Jcusack 2 years ago
Anytime there's a speaker screaming about "The Moral Corruption" I wait for the drug/hooker charge or affair. Just like if your S/O is constantly accusing you of cheating with no evidence. It's usually them.
Load More Replies... Michael P (Perthaussieguy) 2 years ago
Why do we so often hear about people in positions of influence publicly call out against something whilst secretly doing the exact same thing themselves.
PetPotato 2 years ago
Probably because they think people are less likely to suspect them of doing the thing if they are pretending to be passionately against it. (And also I'm pretty sure some just get off on it in some sick twisted way...)
Load More Replies... General Stukov 2 years ago
I'm still stuck on buttering her butt, too what end shalt that help?
Margaret H 2 years ago
If somebody was going to slather my nether regions with something, it had better be better than butter. Chocolate mousse, for instance... (And I have agree with the sentiment that the loudest protesters tend to have the most to hide.)
#37
I Believe Math Became Meth
Brooklyn Roffman 2 years ago
Looking at the diagrams made me never want to look at one (choose what u wanna believe)
Nicole Weymann 2 years ago
"Might give them ideas!" Yeah, sure. Just what school did all those hedgehogs, ladybugs and pidgeons go to, to make them not die out? But at least this explains where the dinosaurs went: no schools - no sex ed - no dinos.
#38
A Man Who Claims His D*ck Is Good Enough To Turn A Lesbian Straight Must Logically Conclude That D*ck Good Enough To Turn Him Gay Exists
#39
“Prolific Poo Garden”
PolymathNecromancer 2 years ago
I am very mostly not a dog person, but this old girl gets my upvote
Roan The Demon Kitty 2 years ago
my cat got into the pumpkin seeds I left out for the hedgehogs/birds etc and then decided to puke them all up on the kitchen floor. :')
#40
"Banana Is Such An Aggresive Fruit"
Charity Angel 2 years ago
Absolutely. Anything with banana in it is automatically discarded. Including a McDonalds milkshake with a drop of banana contamination in it.
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Michael Largey 2 years ago
You experience the flavor of a banana on an entirely different scale than other fruits.
#41
Bahamian Hollering
HelluvaHedgehogAlien 2 years ago
Imma save up and pay him $2000 to stand in the distance wearing a dark hood and holding an umbrella looking mysterious
Benita Valdez 2 years ago
I charge $100. What this gets is me all dolled up in a red dress and hat with black vail in front and I'll use a black umbrella whether raining or not. I'll stand silently in the distance byt close enough so its known im there for you. Once noone is near the grave I shall place a single red roses and quietly walk away. No words spoken and perhaps a single tear will be seen. I will mysteriously arrive and vanish and your whole family will just be left wondering.
Lyone Fein 2 years ago
Does this one belong on the list of high paying jobs that folks don't usually consider?
Jared Robinson 2 years ago
That would be the best 1000 dollars I ever spent. What is this mans phone number.
#42
Caramel Macchiato On The Rocks
PolymathNecromancer 2 years ago
I order virgin drinks these ways often.... just to pay homage to the wars fought by my younger self
Load More Replies... PolymathNecromancer 2 years ago
I order things on the rocks deliberately, even though it's been 23-1/2 years, and I actually ordered a seltzer straight up from an actual bartender recently and got ice in it..... wt actual f are they teaching these bartenders these days...... f'n sumbitches
ralphmacchiosthirdwife 2 years ago
I work part-time at starbucks and the other day, I read off an order, and said "one grande caramel Macchio for Rachel?" and everyone started laughing. I didn't realize what I'd said until she said " Thanks, but my cup name is wrong. you should have put ralph." I nearly died of embarrassment
#43
Good Going Now The Internet Is Haunted
Jared Robinson 2 years ago
the hell do they just drill the hole and run the cable, anything in the way be damned?
#44
Corgi-Sized Meteor As Heavy As 4 Baby Elephants
Two_rolling_black_eyes 2 years ago
This guy (Reich) has made a career of describing meteors with animals. Right now he's going through an aquatic phase. In the last couple of months, he's written stories about "near misses" with a meteor the size of 37 elephant seals, another one the size of a narwhale, and another one the size of 100 otters. He stayed aquatic but left the animals last week with a meteor the size of 2 Titanics. His official title is reporter of geek culture and professional wrestling for the Jerusalem Post.
SkyBlueandBlack 2 years ago
I can't help wondering what he's like at parties.
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AndThenICommented 2 years ago
I’m sorry, I don’t understand. Can you convert to greyhounds please?
M O'Connell 2 years ago
This tweet keeps coming up and I did the math on it a while back. Assuming the elephants are Asian Elephants, and the corgi-sized meteor is an iron-nickel type it does work out perfectly.
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Tracy Wallick 2 years ago
Hey, I can easily visualize something the size of a corgi, start introducing measurements and it starts getting harder to picture.
LooseSeal's $10 Banana 2 years ago
Yes, because I instinctively know how much a baby elephant weighs.
#45
Inventor Of What Is Commonly Known As Aggravated Assault
#46
A Walking Mop That Looks Like It Wants To Eat Styrofoam Packing Peanuts
Babsevs 2 years ago
Yup a Pekinese..... a small, snorting, hairy wee beastie, Chinese decent, lapdog by today's standards, but historically a defence dog! Very loyal by all accounts
Nikki Sevven 2 years ago
It looks like an Ewok and a Tribble got scrambled in the transporter.
ralphmacchiosthirdwife 2 years ago (edited)
I have a pekinese named Ponyboy and he is very problematic and sheds, but Iove him. In all his chunky glory.
#47
Confess Your Sins To The Crime Skeleton
Tiny Dancer 2 years ago
Alas, it seems no one actually made one, but it's real: https://www.atlasobscura.com/articles/criminal-confession-skeleton-patent
#48
Vancouver's Infamous Knife-Wielding Crow Is Now A Father
#49
Final Boss Cop In A Goth Prom Dress
Jerry Da Alpaca (She/Her) 2 years ago
Another one that somehow managed to escape the BP censors
#50
Elder Norman's Formal Board Of Normal Mormon Moral Order
Bouche, Audi, and Shyla, oh my! 2 years ago
I had invited Mormon missionaries over while I was working as a live-in nanny. The little girl wasn't old enough for school yet, so she was "helping" me clean the house. She was a very shy child, so I tried to get her enthusiastic about having company. I kept telling her, "The Mormons are coming! The Mormons are coming!" When the doorbell rand, Kasi yelled, "The Normons are here!"
Nicole Weymann 2 years ago
Why would you invite missionaries? I always had the impression the game went the other way round: they go door to door and you tell them "No, thanks, I'm already engaged to satan" or something.
Load More Replies... Nikki Sevven 2 years ago
With an organization named like that, you really need your own Gilbert & Sullivan libretto.
#51
One-Ply A** Lids
Got Myself 4 Pandas 2 years ago
Genuine pondering that popped into my brain just now, if you have darker skin do your eyelids let in less light? Like, if I'm lying in the sun with my Casper like complexion and I happen to be without my trusty sun specs then I literally see bright red the whole time my eyes are closed, I still have to squint and face away from the sun as it's still burning my eyeballs. My eyelids are almost useless at blocking light to be honest. This is why I have approx 37 pairs of sunglasses yet still buy more whenever I'm out just to be on the safe side, any sun and I'm screwed, and it sets off migraines. I feel like this is a major design flaw.
#52
Vas Deferens
somnomania 2 years ago
even if they were going for "ethereal", that still doesn't describe this look
ralphmacchiosthirdwife 2 years ago
I think they wanted to say ethereal but it came out like a body part that is used in the urinary tract
#53
Did She Say Her Plant Was [unalived] In 9/11?
![Did She Say Her Plant Was [unalived] In 9/11?](https://www.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2023/06/6488702e58d7f_3ny9eullr63b1__700.jpg "Did She Say Her Plant Was [unalived] In 9/11?")
#55
Chase, Check This Man For Butt Worms!
#57
Eating Alone: A Story
Nona Wolf 2 years ago (edited)
I'm howling! Just laughed so hard I spit coffee on my keyboard!
Load More Replies... Aroace tiger (she/they/he) 2 years ago
My friend and I were talking about how it should be socially acceptable to dress like a pirate
#58
Good News
irissii (she/them) 2 years ago
a 36 year old single lesbian, information we definitely had to know
#59
Reject Humanity, Return To Oink
Matt Du 2 years ago
I wouldn't say that out loud, pigs are smart enough to kill you and eat all of the evidence including the bones.
Nikki Sevven 2 years ago
Except your teeth. They won't eat your teeth. Also, it's difficult to extract human teeth from pig slop, especially when you forgot to count how many you needed to find. Or so I've heard.
Load More Replies... Jaya 2 years ago
Fun fact: Many years ago they did some experiments trying to teach monkeys, pigs and dogs 'computer games': moving a mouse with their snout/hand, which moves some sort of cursor on the screen, and when they move the cursor to the right spot, they get a reward. Monkeys were best at it (of course). Pigs were only able to learn the easier 'levels', but they were faster at learning them than the monkeys. Dogs couldn't learn it at all, they couldn't understand that there was a connection between moving the mouse with their snout and the cursor moving on the screen.
Michael P (Perthaussieguy) 2 years ago
Breed them with thumbs and it'll be game over for gamers
#60
Extendochicken Running At You Like A 2004 Jeep Wrangler
#61
"De-N*zi The Skeletons"
Rizzo 2 years ago
I wind up all egg timers in the supermarket and set them to different times. Am I evil? Yes I f*cking am!
Fenchurch 2 years ago (edited)
At my nearest IKEA the kitchen section leads into the bed section, which leads into the wardrobe section. All I can say is there's lots of places to hide egg timers in the bed and wardrobe sections of IKEA.
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ralphmacchiosthirdwife 2 years ago
upvoting to counteract the downvote. Why did you get downvoted?
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#62
Seagull Surprise
Michael P (Perthaussieguy) 2 years ago
You would have to tell her off but you would also be proud of her at the same time.
Fenchurch 2 years ago
Why would you tell her off? Important lesson learnt. If you hugs feathered dinosaurs you gonna get hurt
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Huddo's sister 2 years ago
And here I was cracking up because I had to call a parent the other day because her son had a head injury- because he walked backwards into a door :)
#63
Babybel Cheese Wax Crab
French panda says ur worth it 2 years ago
Not a haiku. Haikus don't rhyme.
Load More Replies... #64
You Can Financially Exploit And Scam Any Horse
OhnoI’vebeencensored 2 years ago
As part-owner of a livery yard, can confirm horses are stupid.
#65
Detrimental Amount Of Mashed Potatoes
Lemme get the lemons 2 years ago
Well I mean I don't have kids and this is still true, so make of that what you will
Charity Angel 2 years ago
I had a phone that apparently had a detrimental amount of hot cocoa in it. The fact that there was a full year between the incident and the death of the phone was neither here nor there according to the repair guys...
Load More Replies... Pandamonium 2 years ago
This implies that there's an acceptable amount of mashed potatoes which can be applied to a laptop.
Robert Trebor 2 years ago
I do not play games, but I use an absolutely indestructible Redragon keyboard and mouse, because I can be incredibly sloppy with my coffee or water.
#66
Permanently Ratatouilled
PotatoNinja5000 2 years ago
Can't be any worse rhan my current diet. Grains, vegetation, and the odd pizza that someone couldn't finish.
Nicole Weymann 2 years ago
I think it's more about the movie where a rat plays marionette with an untalented chef's hair to steer him into preparing actually tasty meals, than about the dish the film was named after.
Load More Replies... #67
Mafia Drops Ban On Homosexuality After Discovering Mob Boss’ Son Is A Fabulous Drag Queen
Raven Sheridan 2 years ago (edited)
Here comes Desantis saying that the mafia has gone, "woke".
Jaya 2 years ago
Mobster boss: Slay! Mobster son: Thanks! Oh wait... were you saying I look fabulous or were you saying "start killing"?
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Shannon Mallory 2 years ago
But would they have been so welcoming had he been only a Mediocre drag queen instead of Fabulous?
PolymathNecromancer 2 years ago
Probably not, but all successful renegades throughout history were only able to succeed with high skills and abundant panache combined
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Michael Largey 2 years ago
The mob still gives people cement shoes, but now they get them from Prada.
#68
Leopard Gecko
The Chocolate Gecko 2 years ago
I knew that employee was wrong. I didn't like the way they looked at me
#69
Lease A Falcon!
Nikki Sevven 2 years ago
Also, the worldwide life expectancy is 72, so your midlife crisis should occur in your mid-30s.
Majungasaurus 2 years ago
Oh great! I just turned 31, it’s always nice to have something to look forward to :)
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#70
Inappropriate Sexual Tension Between Bees And Humans In His Children's Film
#71
You Barely Sentient Lettuce Heads
Eva Kašu 2 years ago
You would be surprised how many average voters have intelligence of lettuce head.
TotallyNOTaFox 2 years ago
Yeah, the "special operation" suddenly isn't so great anymore if the own stuff blows up
#72
It's Gonna Have Hotdogs And Optometrists
#73
Well Don’t Come Crying To Me When Your Wean Gets Eaten By The F**king Kitchen Sink
Babsevs 2 years ago
Wean .... Translation.... Scottish vernacular for "small child" ....I know the Americans will be totally confused by this statement otherwise
General Stukov 2 years ago
I was like, "props to any dude whose wean can reach the sink"
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Julie Zugz 2 years ago
Are garbage disposals a luxury? I must sound like a spoiled child, but I didn't know. We're not rich but we've always had one.
Huddo's sister 2 years ago (edited)
I don't know if they are a luxury, we had one installed living on my grandad's teaching salary, but they are practically non-existent in Australia now (even ours was removed 10-15 years ago)
Load More Replies... Robert Trebor 2 years ago
Garbage disposal: Don't have one - will never have one - don't let any food go down my drain. I am an American rebel.
SkyBlueandBlack 2 years ago
Do Europeans typically try to shove their children down the kitchen sink...?
Budcot 2 years ago
No, but like children everywhere they want to do what their parents do. I know my children would be fascinated by a machine that chews stuff up and be trying to shove stuff down there at every opportunity.
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mysterious(all pronouns) 2 years ago
But they're really useful if you have like chunks of stuff or whatever that you don't want to touch but can't fit down the drain. Also, most sinks are too tall for children who don't know better to do anything with.
Huddo's sister 2 years ago
The problem I have with them is that none of the food should be going down the drain at all, plus the amount of water waste from having to run it with the tap running.
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#75
I Mean…he Has A Point?
General Stukov 2 years ago
Dunno what snakeoil conman sold you that but my b******e does not have wifi...
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#76
American Harry Potter
#77
I’m A Huge Fan Of Your Eggs
TotallyNOTaFox 2 years ago
"Wow, never heard THAT one before! That requires special pun-ishment"
#78
She’s The Reverse Indiana Jones
Michael P (Perthaussieguy) 2 years ago
Too many stupid people are letting too many stupid people become famous for being stupid
#79
I Am Praying Men Get Basic Anatomy Lessons
Tabby_Sohee 2 years ago
Ah yes, vagina bones, the appendages on either side of the hips of ppl with vaginas that burst through the flesh and sprout wings and spray poison whenever we get sexually excited
Nikki Sevven 2 years ago
And now that you've posted this poem on the internet, there will be a straight-to-streaming, low budget horror movie starring Z-list actors.
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Sami-Jo Ross 2 years ago
I feel like this is a parody on the dude complaining about censorship in Tokyo Mirage Sessions.
#80
Twitter Is Undefeated
Jude Corrigan 2 years ago
The top message says that the album in question is so good, he compares it to the two artists climaxing in both of his ears. The man below remonstrates with the other man's description and advises using the word good instead.
Load More Replies... #81
“You Look Like Pete Davidson If He Drank Water”
Rizzo 2 years ago
Had to google Pete Davidson and no ... I don't know him and I still don't get the 'joke'.
Jaya 2 years ago (edited)
I can't explain it in words, but I do understand the joke. Pete Davidson tends to look very wild and unhinged in a fun way, he often looks like you would experience the wildest adventures if you hang out with him. A 'Pete Davidson who drinks water' in my mind would be a sober, slightly tamer version of him.
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#82
Just Get ‘Em Real Big
RachAgainstTheMachine 2 years ago
Jurassic Park Hubris is my new band name. We do Dinosaur Jr. covers, but like... Way bigger
#83
Posses The Devil's Mischief
Jerry Da Alpaca (She/Her) 2 years ago
Are you saying that other pets (like cats) can be trusted and that they aren't mischievous
Michelle C 2 years ago
Cats aren't pets...they are our supreme overlords and definitely cannot be trusted!
Load More Replies... Jude Corrigan 2 years ago
I always thought of racoon as imps disguised as animals. Just going through life seeing how much they can get away with.
mysterious(all pronouns) 2 years ago
You gotta form a little raccoon crime troupe, just feed them, teach them crime, and let them steal all the goodies.
#84
I Know A Reindeer When I See One
#85
Looney Tunes Sex
Nacho Man Sandy Ravage 2 years ago
Do you have to say "Th-th-th-that's all folks!!" when you've finished??
Jaya 2 years ago
"Roadrunner and Coyote are in a BDSM relationship" is the new "Bert and Ernie are gay", lol.
Load More Replies... #86
I Got Benjamin Button Disease
#87
Please Refrain From Sexualizing My Goldfish
#88
Solar Powered Humans
Got Myself 4 Pandas 2 years ago
Oh s**t, I have a vitamin d deficiency- guess it's cheerio if I forget to take my tablets daily. Can't bloody win though one one hand it's "stay out the sun or you'll get cancer, or worse wrinkles!" And the other is "yeah but if you don't get enough sun you'll want to kill yourself" - sounds like death either way
Majungasaurus 2 years ago (edited)
I started taking vitamin d supplements (dr recommended) and they’re pretty cheap in my neck of the woods, they actually help a lot too :) I think my giant bottle that’s lasted me months so far was like $11?
Load More Replies... Wise Turtle 2 years ago (edited)
That actually makes sense now. Imma go fact check. Edit: ok it does. I should probably get back to my supplements
Huddo's sister 2 years ago
And if you're lucky you are also iron and vitamin b deficient which compounds the mental health problems and makes you more exhausted! (I swear, my body has just decided not to tolerate any vitamins etc)
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OneHappyPuppy 2 years ago
Welp, now that you've mentioned it, I should probably get my vit D levels checked again...
#89
22 Year Old Grandma
Tabby_Sohee 2 years ago
This is all sorts of messed up but I really can’t imagine why anyone would want to start doing the deed right on the bus where 40 other sweaty teens are there watching you
North 2 years ago
So 2 people are hopefully in jail and on the S.O.R. (Sex Offenders Registry)
Dani M 2 years ago
there was a spectacular case where the mother was a 12 year old girl... and the father an 11 year old. so i hope thats at least what happened.
Load More Replies... #90
Meat Lab
Uncanny 2 years ago
Be grateful. My menopausal chem lab made of meat frequently decides to jack up my temperature to lava land, makes me forget the word for goldfish and sprouts hair where hair has never been seen before. 🤷♀️
Sue User 2 years ago
Wait until they start blaming ANY medical issue on menopause. I went through menopause 10 years ago, but apparently feeling warm and incontinence is menopause. It was a kidney infection.
Load More Replies... #91
“Sick Fursuit, Jeezy Boy”
Tabby_Sohee 2 years ago
I am highly uncomfortable by the atmosphere we have created in this environment
Crazy Cookie 2 years ago
Here’s a legit answer: I’d probably say something like “guess I should have believed Sadie and Carter” (The red pyramid reference)
#92
Please Welcome 'Hp Officejet Pro 6978 Wirelesss All In One Instant Ink Ready Printer' To The Family!
Bouche, Audi, and Shyla, oh my! 2 years ago
That's going to be hard to fit on the little metal heart attached to the cat's collar.
#93
One Of A Kind Occurrence
Arthur Waite 2 years ago
Good for him! Very educational for the kids, I'm sure. (Also for the cops.)
#94
Don’t Y’all Hate When This Happens
somnomania 2 years ago
don't be ridiculous, you know everyone on twitter is american and americans can't do math good! /s
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#95
Well Alright Then
Michael Largey 2 years ago
The a**l bead vibrations made him look like he had an extra bishop hidden in his pants
Load More Replies... Tiny Dancer 2 years ago
How timely! The multi-million dollar lawsuit alleging this was just tossed out today: https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-12239893/Judge-tosses-Hans-Niemanns-100M-libel-suit-against-grandmaster-Magnus-Carlsen.html
Brick Beefknob 2 years ago
Tanya Peters: What are you doing? Frank Drebin: Oh! I was, uh, just conjugating my next move. Tanya Peters: Your bishop's exposed. Frank Drebin: It's these pants.
Michael P (Perthaussieguy) 2 years ago
Some kind of morse code? Combinations of long and shorts sound more like an orgy to me
Dawn Coughlin 2 years ago
OR it's from the latest episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia...
#96
"Talk On The Phone Pants"
#97
I Mean He's Not Wrong
#98
Did The Tales Of Falling Meatballs Not Weigh On Thine Conscience?
#99
Climate Change Fight Should Be Sexy And Fun
#100
Teachers Seize Disco Equipment From 12-Year-Old Boy Who Hosted A Rave In School Toilets
#101
Goth Money
#102
It Just Keeps Going
Ole Peder Amrud Hagen 2 years ago (edited)
She also ran a 'school' teaching healing, she believes in literal angels, claims she has psychic powers and can communicate with the dead. She's full blown crazy, and he's even worse.
#103
Honestly Kind Of Impressive
Tabby_Sohee 2 years ago
I’ve honestly been staring at this for a solid minute because I can’t wrap my head around how they managed to, indeed, whitewash white people
Rizzo 2 years ago
I had to google a lot for this. Apparentliy this 'Frozen' movie is a retelling of the danish fairy tale 'The Snow Queen' from Hans Christian Andersen. I couldn't find out where the movie takes place but I guess it would be somewhere up north, where there is snow all the time and the people are quite pale. Are there black characters in the movie and people are complaining or what is the deal here?
gotham-panda 2 years ago
The thing here is that the new Elsa (the Snow Queen) image manages to turn her into even more of a white stereotype than she already was.
Load More Replies... #104
Step Stool To See The Whole State
Seabeast 2 years ago
In Saskatchewan the joke is that you can watch your dog running away for three days.
Majungasaurus 2 years ago
“I’ve heard every joke, I’ve heard every one you saaaay….” 🎶
Load More Replies... Nikki Sevven 2 years ago
I don't think there's a line-of-sight longer than a kilometer in New England...unless you're atop one of the taller mountains, above the tree line.
#105
A Good Old Fashioned Brick Fight
OneHappyPuppy 2 years ago
Yup, my husband (boyfriend back then) did something similar when in the army...
#106
Cuckolded By A Bee
#107
“Romantic Karl Marx Anime Targets New Generation Of Chinese Communists”
TotallyNOTaFox 2 years ago (edited)
What is it with the popularity of german themes/people in anime? (Yes, I know why it's Karl Marx in China)
#109
American Maid Cafes
General Stukov 2 years ago
Yea, i had this realization and it shook me to the core. But now i go regularly, so what you gonna do..
#111
Tiddy Of The Gator
#112
Retractable Teeth
somnomania 2 years ago
for safety! if you're throwing barrels around you don't want to accidentally knock your own teeth out
#113
How Biblical
mysterious(all pronouns) 2 years ago
I mean, it was specifically just that one guy, so, she could just say all guys not named Judas.
#114
Twitter Never Disappoints
#116
Switching To Gender Evil
mysterious(all pronouns) 2 years ago
Gender lawful. It's me, the gender police, telling you to stop having gender.
Crazy Cookie 2 years ago
As a fellow dnd player can you turn a blind eye to me blatantly being a girl?
Load More Replies... #117
“It’s A’me Mario I Want To F*ck A’luigi”
Majungasaurus 2 years ago
On June 27, 1954, democratically elected Guatemalan president Jacobo Árbenz Guzmán was deposed (overthrown) in a CIA-sponsored coup to protect the profits of the United Fruit Company. The United Fruit Company is known these days as Chiquita. :)
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#118
Double Standards These Days, Smh
#119
Sadness In His Eyes
Tabby_Sohee 2 years ago
Well shīt, I guess I better think twice about getting a gig in Eastern Europe /j
#121
Children Of The Bourne
TheAnimalGoddess 2 years ago
I always *thought* Matt Damon was cute, but this has given me a whole new perspective.
#122
Sl*t Shaming People For Not Churning Their Own Butter
Budcot 2 years ago
Perhaps the censor thought it was one word "slutshaming"?
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#123
“You’re Going To Want To F**k Her, It’s Anecdotal”
#125
If I Was A Sassy Little Twink
#126
Modified Obama
Majungasaurus 2 years ago
I’ve always wanted to make up a weed name. Electric Motherbïtch or Aeriola Aioli or something like that.
#128
Just Trying To Be Polite?
#129
What Even
les 2 years ago
"I'm not gay but I'm swedish" makes it sound like if you are swedish then you must be gay
Load More Replies... Tabby_Sohee 2 years ago
The hella weird kink is one thing but posting it for the world to see is another thing entirely - imagine you apply for a job and they look up your Internet presence and find this 💀
irissii (she/them) 2 years ago
i mean it's not that weird. it's pretty average as far as kinks go, just detailed.
Load More Replies... ralphmacchiosthirdwife 2 years ago
bro i saw someone who said they found Nazi uniforms attractive and wanted their boyfriend to wear one during *adult time* I gave them a bit of a lecture abt how my mothers side of the family survived the holocaust and concentration camps
#130
Hello Everyone My Name Is-
#131
I'm Going To Use Horny Bags Of Meat In General Conversation From Now On
Bouche, Audi, and Shyla, oh my! 2 years ago
On one episode of the original Star Trek, an alien species referred to humans as large, ugly bags of mostly water.
#132
There Was A Window Of Time Where A Samurai Could Have Faxed Abraham Lincoln
PolymathNecromancer 2 years ago
This is true.... first fax machine came around beginning of Civil War and last samurai just after..... creepily cool
#133
"Comment So Stupid It Made A Mfs Porn Alt Account Reply"
Nikki Sevven 2 years ago
It's only the reality if we voted by land area instead of population. Here's the very blue map of the vote by population: USA_Politi...x771-1.png 
#134
On A Side Note Is The Hotdog A Hebrew National?
Bouche, Audi, and Shyla, oh my! 2 years ago
You'd think the son of God would eat a little more neatly. I mean, his dress is white, for his sake!
Michael Largey 2 years ago
Remember that He was still living with His mom while in His 30s, and she took care of the laundry.
Load More Replies... #135
Most Unwise
#138
That’s The Only Thing I’d Talk About At Thanksgiving Dinner
Valerie Hunte 2 years ago
It could just be the “awake at 4 am and on cold medicine” talking, but I’m having trouble translating the full extent of the censored phrase.
Kirsty Y 2 years ago
It's a synonym for sex worker. I really don't think I want to watch the video! Hope your cold gets better swiftly
Load More Replies... Add New Image
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What do you think ?
Jess-a-men 2 years ago
"Thor is the lovechild of Professor McGonagall and France". Said by me several years ago to my friend while we were waiting for the train.
dar Rah 2 years ago
Did you have a thought or did you just string some words together?
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Fry Me A Liver 2 years ago
Ever a fan of Stephen Fry's “hold the newsreader's nose squarely, waiter, or friendly milk will countermand my trousers,” I was not disappointed by this thread.
Jess-a-men 2 years ago
"Thor is the lovechild of Professor McGonagall and France". Said by me several years ago to my friend while we were waiting for the train.
dar Rah 2 years ago
Did you have a thought or did you just string some words together?
Load More Replies... Fry Me A Liver 2 years ago
Ever a fan of Stephen Fry's “hold the newsreader's nose squarely, waiter, or friendly milk will countermand my trousers,” I was not disappointed by this thread.
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