50 Tweets That Won Comedy Gold This October

I would read a book of those origin stories

"Leave nothing out."

+1 to that Mom. Also, people need to quit stepping backwards in public places without looking behind them.

yes, they don't need to know how all the gubbins works. It just works.

Hilarious move xD

No! I said put your COAT on!

THIS is funny!

Yeah, no school... instead there is this stupid job I need to be able to eat, wear clothes and have a home

Since I teach...this IS a possibility...only I'm 51...no matter...

I never felt guilty skipping school ... but I do about skipping work.

Throw in hating women and obsessed with anime and you got yourself a day in the life of an incel.

Try "The Life of Elon," for a starter.

I’m about to buy a used wheelchair accessible van and I’m gonna do this

Yes! I just need a little sneak peek

That’s why John denver left on a jet plane

She needs her own group, called "Veg Out".

I think that's a valid point. Maybe my dosage needs to be upped.

I'm a very good mom to two furry babies and one not so furry baby

What a time to be alive

If these were cheap and I felt inclined to wear heals, I’d probably get these.

.... exactly

As long as she isn't crying because you're still alive...

Kalikima

Kalikima

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It's ridiculous how expensive everything has gotten..

I think box is a perfect cat name, look there’s box in a box 📦

Milton Jones: Easiest job in the world - Australian psychiatrist. "Can you tell me your problems mate?" "No worries mate". "Great - next!"

You see a cauldron, I see a person with a small head and big hair standing up with their hands in the air

And it gets worse with age. I took up horseback riding at 49, the first month I definitely thought I had leukemia, bubonic plague, leprosy, and a rare butt cancer. Five years later I only suffer from two things at a time, and the horses could probably use more exercise.

What's a house?

Kalikima

Kalikima

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Well? Where IS this new baby going to sleep?

Also okay to not put them on at the beginning of the Day as you already know what's coming

Valid point and definitely worthy of a cake.

It is a mystery to me until today how he got a liver anyway when he was diagnosed with cancer allready. I mean, should he not have been at the very bottom of the list? Pancreatic cancer is as far as i know not the sort of cancer with the best prognosis, so is that not some sort of wasting an organ? Did he have a living person donate for him? Serious question, i can not really understand how that happened.

Better answer - We are calling him "child 1" until he is old enough to name himself. People will flip their s**t.

When there isn't a hook on the public toilet cubicle and before squatting you have to macrame your bag straps together before putting the longest strap around your neck.

I dunno what tf pizza rolls are, they aren't in NZ. But I feel as though I'd like them.

She married the nerd so what is she laughing at?

As long as she consented - to each their own I say

When I have no alcohol, I'm soba.

Apparently it worked!

I attempted hovering but that was bad for my face

You have my vote

There should be a minus one for us socially anxious people

like a ghoulish mr potato fell apart

A USED washing up sponge.

Me still at noon.

... along with, haven't you found a nice boy yet. By the time you get married, all your eggs will dry out.

Tell me you haven't watched Star Wars without telling me!

Hey, my home town..... I live near the right thumb......👍

I laughed so hard at this

"ps,,,you made sure I am your beneficiary...right?"

Dr Pepper is NOT a medical doctor, their doctorate is in fizzics.

I always say hello to cities when I arrive, especially if it's been a while. Like greeting an old friend.

If you're sick and still need to go somewhere, use a damn mask and keep your germs to yourself

When the food I paid way too much for doesn’t taste good

I thought Crocs couldn't get any uglier, yet here we are

But do any grapes even taste like the purple flavor?

If I ever have twins one of them is going to be named like Olivia, the other one will get to be Olivia (1)

HOT TO GO

... you did what? Why?