50 Tweets That Won Comedy Gold This October

I would read a book of those origin stories

"Leave nothing out."

+1 to that Mom. Also, people need to quit stepping backwards in public places without looking behind them.

yes, they don't need to know how all the gubbins works. It just works.

Hilarious move xD

No! I said put your COAT on!

THIS is funny!

Yeah, no school... instead there is this stupid job I need to be able to eat, wear clothes and have a home

Try "The Life of Elon," for a starter.

I’m about to buy a used wheelchair accessible van and I’m gonna do this

Yes! I just need a little sneak peek

That’s why John denver left on a jet plane

She needs her own group, called "Veg Out".

I think that's a valid point. Maybe my dosage needs to be upped.

I'm a very good mom to two furry babies and one not so furry baby

What a time to be alive

If these were cheap and I felt inclined to wear heals, I’d probably get these.

.... exactly

As long as she isn't crying because you're still alive...

Kalikima

Kalikima

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It's ridiculous how expensive everything has gotten..

I think box is a perfect cat name, look there’s box in a box 📦

I'm sure Box didn't mind. Or care.

I have a delightful, five year old client who just adopted a new kitten. She has named him “Fat Sticks”. (Spoken with an adorable lisp). To be fair, I’ve seen a photo. His legs do look remarkably like short little fat sticks.

Katy McMouse

Katy McMouse

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Mine had hamsters - one was Cowboy, the other was TV.

So i took a stray to the vet. Diddnt want to get attached, so I just called her Cat. Took her in for her three year checkup and the receptionist inquired about her name. I lied and said " it is short for Miss Katherine, with a K".

One of my first cats grew up to becom a real fierce queen who literally ruled the house for a decade. I was 4 when she was born, I named her "Bébé".

A friend of mine had an all-black cat that he called Snowy.

Made me think of my friend's cat, Sweaters.

I had to kitten brothers; Taco and Scooby.

Paintbucket😁

I had a friend who had a cat named Bags for this exact reason. I'm sure Box and Bags are homies in heaven.

Lol I'm going to tell my SO that his mind is like a toddler🤭 His latest failed foster is a kitty who has been designated as Hotpockets.

I had a cat named Lilypad, by vote of three children under age 5. The competing names were Lilypaws and Princess Tigerlily. He was a lovely cat.

"I was named after my passion." Box the box cat.

My mother named the kitten I got when I was 7 Shoulders.

My friend from middle school had a cat named Meow- she used to say she was the only one with a cat that could say its own name XD

OP, you got a PAIR of kittens and only tell us the name of one... What was your other cat's name?

this is how my family got cats names Muffin and MayBe

when I was 2 I had a stuffed pig named blah blah.

Three year old named the dog New Dog because we never got around to naming him and kept calling him the new dog.

I knew someone years ago who had a cat that was completely white. She named it Spot.

Lol my ex and I had a chicken as an inside pet that grew up with ferrets. It's name was pickles lmao 🤣 idk y or where it came from just happened and we weren't kids hahaha

Schrödinger: "I'm confused..."

Co-workers' daughter named her kittens Pajama and Casserole. They call them PJ and Cassie

I would always ask what their surname was? Lol.

Got a puppy when our son was barely 4, and let him name the dog. Not sure why, but he named a black akita/wolf Spooky. Spooky 2, also black, just crossed crossed the rainbow bridge three months ago! Oh, my son is now 33.

Called my cats Panda Puddin Cat & Sir Reginald Featherbottom Don't need kids to get unhinged names

Granddaughter has a cat named Meow Meow.

I had a chihuahua I named after a baby in Doc McStuffens, you know that kids shoe about the five year old black girl that teaches you healthcare, yeah I did what she did and even exactly quoted the show "what about Mya?" AND IT STUCK, THAT DOG WAS KNOWN AS MYA HER ENTIRE LIFE ALL BECAUSE SIX YEAR OLD ME LOVED DOCTORS (and I still kinda do... almost anything medical and I get slightly excited)

Milton Jones: Easiest job in the world - Australian psychiatrist. "Can you tell me your problems mate?" "No worries mate". "Great - next!"

You see a cauldron, I see a person with a small head and big hair standing up with their hands in the air

And it gets worse with age. I took up horseback riding at 49, the first month I definitely thought I had leukemia, bubonic plague, leprosy, and a rare butt cancer. Five years later I only suffer from two things at a time, and the horses could probably use more exercise.

What's a house?

Kalikima

Kalikima

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Well? Where IS this new baby going to sleep?