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You could argue that Twitter has been in shambles ever since Elon Musk took over. Yet, according to recent data, it has about 561 million users all across the globe. Maybe misinformation has been more rampant and the vibe generally more hostile, but there's still plenty of funny people on there.
As we always like to focus on the positive here on Bored Panda, we've made yet another compilation of the funniest posts Twitter (X) users have shared during September. So, check them out and see for yourself that not all is lost on the good ol' bird app – quality humor is still alive and well.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
wayne whitson 2 months ago
🎼"A POSSUM Eclipse Of The Heart". (Apologies to the GREAT Bonnie Tyler.)
Kelly H. Wilder 2 months ago
As majestic as that possum is, they must certainly be closely related.
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Uncle Panda 2 months ago
Come quick, my dear, or forever opine, the night you missed, the possum on the line!
RELATED:
#2
Space Invader 2 months ago
Let's be honest: If you found a 100 Euro/Dollar/Pound note somewhere, wouldn't you also check that place out now and again afterwards, in case that clumsy person was a regular?
Lisa Sturgiss 2 months ago
to be fair when I was maybe 8 I found a $5 note in a magazine rack and again at 19 I found $20 on the ground and I still, at 42, believe this will keep happening. ask, believe recive
detective miller's hat 2 months ago
LOL our office greyhound does this every time I walk him. We MUST check the far back corner of the parking lot in case the bit of sandwich reappears.
Sue Ratcliff-Burnett 2 months ago
Yes, my dogs will never stop checking out the magic treat bench. Someone spilled treats once.
#3
Philly Bob 2 months ago
My Ex: "You'll never find another woman like me!!" Me: "I sure as hell hope not!"
#4
#5
George Costanza 2 months ago
No need to post your shame on the internet for all to see.
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moggiemoo 2 months ago
My phone rings so rarely that I don't recognise it.
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#7
Kabuki Kitsune 2 months ago
Wait till you try "Sleeping in a park, terrified you'll be found out." Then you'll relish both the taste of unemployment, and 9-5.
keyboardtek 2 months ago
Or just be born a non white and you get to run from ICE agents the rest of your life.
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The Majestic Opossum 2 months ago
A bit too late for that I'm afraid. Have you tried being from a rich family? That doesn't seem so bad.
#8
keyboardtek 2 months ago
As a pianist, old time plastic glasses frames always slipped off my head and landed on the piano keys. Then I discovered wire rimmed frames and cable temples that wrap around the ears.
Nikole 2 months ago
If I want to look like a huge dork! Also I feel like that would be very uncomfortable.
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Zig Zag Wanderer 2 months ago
I recommend titanium frames. They're very light and strong. Never do either of these things.
#9
not a sock 1 month ago (edited)
that's like giving a homeless person 10 cents. it's more insulting than helpful. dîcks.
#10
keyboardtek 2 months ago
The latest from RFK, Jr.: autism is caused by being born to stupid parents.
Luke Branwen 2 months ago
Saw a person today who looked like skinnier Adam Driver in a T-shirt that had "AUTISM" written on it in giant letters and that picture of a screaming skeleton shooting from two machineguns. Glad to see y'all living your best life 😁
Sam Trudeau 2 months ago (edited)
"TyLeNoL cAuSeS aUtIsM" why do you hate autism? That said, don't o******e on Tylenol
#11
Kabuki Kitsune 2 months ago
Step 3: The item is on the truck, and will arrive in 3 to 300 business days.
PrettyJoyBird 2 months ago
Step 4 : Request Refund? We don't know where item is or went.
Load More Replies... Cindy Brick 2 months ago
Unless the photograph shows it was delivered -- but the photo isn't showing your house!
Zig Zag Wanderer 2 months ago
For once, this is not a solely American problem! Italy 'Postal' Service: 1. What parcel? 2. What address? 3. Two streets away seems legit. 4. What parcel? 5. What postal service? The only things I get reliably are bills...
Philly Bob 2 months ago
Or... estimated delivery date is 5 days away, as you trip over that same package going out the door.
AllRightyNowThen 2 months ago
FedEx tracking 1 It's almost there 2 Undeliverable 3 Doesn't exist 4 Special delivery COD extra charges
#12
#13
blixten1982 2 months ago (edited)
My parents used to always back their cars into the garage at home. One day I asked my dad why and he said because he's more often in a hurry to leave than in a hurry to get home, so it's easier to drive out of the driveway when leaving, and back in when coming home. Now, I always back in at home and I wonder why anyone would ever drive into their garage front first.
Maim 2 months ago
I can't stand the people in parking lots that have to back in to their spot just so they can leave sooner. How do they know I'm not already on my way out and trying to leave in a timely fashion?? Waiting for you to "fix" your parking cause you parked badly the first two times trying to back in, SMH.
Load More Replies... Ariadne Toms 2 months ago
Pet peeve : people who take their sweet ***** time reversing and expect me to wait patiently like their heroes when I could have parked already and been outta the way.
Hugo 2 months ago
Reversing out of a driveway puts pedestrians and cyclists at risk -- possibly also risking a collision with another vehicle.
PrettyJoyBird 2 months ago
A specific area or city? Reversing is part of driving. Driving a vehicle you are always at risk.
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#14
Bill Swallow 2 months ago
I prefer 7-Up. Sprite is from Coke, and 7-Up tastes better.
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PrettyJoyBird 2 months ago
Yesss and no thanks to the extra added "natural flavors" or "flavor essence" fake and gross
#15
Nikole 2 months ago
Dude it’s in the 80s here in Chicago. I do not want. Would like to Ber.
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#16
#17
Kabuki Kitsune 2 months ago
A large number of these "pathing" things you see on things like google maps, or similar situations, are produced based on what users of the GPS mapping did. SO, if you had a large number of folks that missed a turn and ended up wandering around that circle, you'll see that update. That or the Google Maps car got lost... again.
Yrral Spavit 2 months ago
Once had to drive across a hwy. GPS said to turn right, dive 11km to a turn off, cross there and drive 11km back to where i was.
BossyCloud 1 month ago
It does that when it thinks you can't go left/straight there
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#19
PrettyJoyBird 2 months ago
As opposed to... eating with hands? Sometimes splashes/splatters flick regardless.
Load More Replies... #20
The Majestic Opossum 2 months ago
Ah yes bedtime, the time I know I should be getting ready for sleep, and find myself scrolling BP for 3 hours instead...
#21
The Majestic Opossum 2 months ago
I don't know if "mutual respect" is the term I'd use for that, but whatever helps you sleep at night (in addition to whatever he's prescribed you for that).
Amy 2 months ago
In the UK we don’t pay much for prescriptions (not a brag, an explanation) , so sometimes you encounter Drs unwilling to want to prescribe anything because it comes out of their surgery budget (I believe; someone may correct me!). You can be fighting for someone to take you seriously; or at least read your notes, and the juniors or new Drs are always the ones most ready to help!
Load More Replies... #22
Glenn Milliken 2 months ago
It just must be nice to have any let alone three you greedy b*****d
Lotekguy 2 months ago
Not with the right friends. Those who don't measure the relationship by such gestures.
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#23
The Majestic Opossum 2 months ago
We have a large orchard near our home, and on weekends the cars are lined up for miles with people doing this. Never understood it...
#24
Eggwodd 2 months ago
Except for those of us who are clumsy. I still have yet to come up with a clever reason why I have a 3" scar on my forehead (fell asleep on the toilet in the middle of the night while peeing, hit the door jam).
Philly Bob 2 months ago
I'm good on the many cats. my body looks like a 3D road map with all routes in red.
Corvus 2 months ago
Actually, this is a myth. People who SH usually aren't trying to end themselves. In fact, it's a coping mechanism to help them survive.
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#25
Jane Doe 2 months ago
After my house lost power for 6 days, I bought a solar charger. Of course, I never took it out of the box. But it's there if i need it!
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#26
Trophy Husband 2 months ago
It's really hard to get my mind sweeper high score. Luckily I figured out how to copy the score file to save it, and then I could Post my high score on every computer I touched. 9 seconds on easy, I don't remember the medium and hard scores but nobody beat me. I would go back to a school computer years later and see my scores still there.
#27
Cindy Brick 2 months ago
Watch one Bigfoot or Aliens documentary -- and that's what you're gonna get for the next month. Spoken from experience here.
Philly Bob 2 months ago
I could crawl into a lightproof, soundproof closet and utter the word of a product and I'll be bombarded with ads for said product. (I didn't type any here as... well... you know!)
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Khavrinen 2 months ago (edited)
For some reason YouTube was convinced for a while that I really, really wanted to watch 8hour+ videos of "rain sounds" or "gentle waves" and things like that, despite the fact I'd never watched one, and clicked "don't recommend channel" every time they came up on my feed.
#28
Karen Lyon 2 months ago
Especially since it came out that if the power fails, the doors don't open. No thank you.
#29
The Majestic Opossum 2 months ago
I mean, college me maxed out my credit cards on much dumber stuff so... Hell, 40 year old me might max out my credit card for this!
#30
Michal Dolyniuk 2 months ago
He look like eccentric. But now we know he's quite insane
Load More Replies... Chihuahua Mama 2 months ago
Would someone mind explaining please? I've seen these bumper stickers on Teslas but this is a Toyota
Kat 2 months ago
I think that's the joke, having a bumper sticker referring to a tesla on a different car?
Load More Replies... wbcjwh6j6y 2 months ago
You bought a Toyota Camry .... and that has what to do with Elon Musk????
#31
Khavrinen 2 months ago
Bachelor Chow: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nowFI0WRpO0
Load More Replies... Kabuki Kitsune 2 months ago
Left alone. Seriously, you'd be surprised just how often you can make a guy happy by just giving him some time to himself where he can be one with his own thoughts.
Lotekguy 2 months ago
However, the better partners are happy to reciprocate.
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Day Andie 2 months ago
Just tools. The men who specifically want garden tools are a small subset. It's a rare man who dreams of a shovel.
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#32
Zig Zag Wanderer 2 months ago
If we were, I'd want to have words. Serious words!
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Kris 2 months ago
For a split second I was thinking; who tf designed humans, but then I remembered people actualy believe in God.
Geoffrey Scott 2 months ago
I find I'm injured more often if I get 'cocky' and ignore the risks.
Grumpy old man 2 months ago
Ok: humans, like sharks dont need to evolve. Unlike sharks or any other animal, we make things for ourselves. We control electricity, went from throwing rocks to throwing nukes. We did it to ourselves.. our adrenal glands are smaller because we use dogs as alarms, our eyes are weak, so we make lenses. Our skulls are weaker than neanderthals because we fashion armor. Watch WallE. Thats where we're headed
Lotekguy 2 months ago
You correctly mentioned that we've compensated for some of our deficiencies. When will we ever weed out greed and stupidity? Those will end us.
Load More Replies... #33
Uncle Panda 2 months ago
"If you try to put butter on the cat's belly, it will levitate!" This is completely true.
Bartlet for world domination 2 months ago
And if you butter its back, it will spin: cats always land on their feet, but sandwiches always fall face down.
Load More Replies... #34
Lotekguy 2 months ago (edited)
Needlessly cruel to remind chickens, turkeys, and penguins of their limitations.
PrettyJoyBird 2 months ago
Used to make things with these computer settings! Years ago, was it Paint Powerpoint?
#35
#36
Bill Swallow 2 months ago
If I cook it myself, I can make it the way *I* like it, not get a meal the way someone else *thinks* it should be.
#37
The Majestic Opossum 2 months ago (edited)
Nope. I'd say someone else architected that. I was just left to maintain the poorly designed structure using duct tape and prayer.
#38
#39
Bill Swallow 2 months ago
Need a scale for standardized people. One truck driver = four maiden aunts.
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Huddo's sister 1 month ago
My mum specifically bought a chest freezer to fit sheep in when they were butchered. They did this only once, because it was so hard to eat them after naming them and caring for them. Typical experience of city dwellers who make a tree change and don't quite know how to follow through with all the aspects of homesteading I guess.
FoxThatHasFennecaphobia 2 months ago
I dont think deer and elk is any better. "I bought a house yesterday and it's 18 gorillas and 2 deer big"
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#41
#42
Chihuahua Mama 2 months ago
I don't know if they came up with it, but I do remember PETA making a post about using more "animal friendly" versions of sayings. I refuse to use any of them just because of how much I hate PETA and their hypocrisy
Korthias 2 months ago
I remember PETA making their own version of Pokemon. It was super violent and gory, I think it was meant to make people not want to play Pokemon because they claimed it promoted animal a***e and fighting. Their mistake was making the game really fun to play
Load More Replies... #43
General Anaesthesia 2 months ago
They'd raise the premium by at least ten times the value of the present.
Geoffrey Scott 2 months ago
I think they found it amusing that I mathed the amount of premiums paid vs the amount of my claim. WAYYY in their favor.
#44
driedgrapes 2 months ago
I find television to be quite educational. Every time one is turned on, I go to the other room and read a book.
PrettyJoyBird 2 months ago (edited)
They are a minimalist. Claim to never watch tv but watch shows on ph apps and all the you tube clips of the actual tv shows on their ipad/laptop.
Doug Moyer 2 months ago
Nope. I have a big TV (cheap model, though) for the wife to watch her stuff. Only thing I watch is the Chiefs and Virginia Tech football games. Wife sends all these links to short clips on Instagram to our family/friends text group. Never watch them. Used to watch stuff but I just lost interest.
Load More Replies... Cydney Golden 2 months ago
I read about 70 books a year, daily newspapers and several magazines; and I watch a lot of TV. If retired you can do it all.
Howl's sleeping castle 2 months ago
We have a big Tv but that's only for shows or movies that every one likes and we watch together. For anything else it's the phone
#45
#46
Bill Swallow 2 months ago
Same, but we both enjoy BritComs and British police procedurals and cozy murder mysteries, so...
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#48
Matt Hlavinka 2 months ago
except no one pays good money to have a garbanzo bean on their face
Grumpy old man 2 months ago
Old joke about never paying $200 for a chickpea. I just woke up, consuming coffee as we speak
Matt Hlavinka 2 months ago
except no one pays good money to have a garbanzo bean on their face
#49
Ariadne Toms 2 months ago
Yeah never the one coming or going 😔 and airports have such intense energy
#50
#52
Kabuki Kitsune 2 months ago
There's a reason you can find countless videos on youtube where someone sat down and recorded the sound of one of those things running for ten hours. The sound of them is just... relaxing in ways I can't explain. I sometimes wonder if that's part of the design.
Doug Moyer 2 months ago
Except when they turn on and off again. That wakes me up.
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#53
Alvia Vseobecna 2 months ago
amen also malls, hospitals, restaurants, anything really... cover your exit routes!
#54
Pandemonium 2 months ago
never could see any other way never could see any other way never could see any other way
Michael Largey 2 months ago
At the end of "Maxwell's Silver Hammer", I'm terrified that they may play it again.
#56
Upstaged75 2 months ago
People always ask what's wrong with me. Sorry, I just don't sit still. My boss had to tell me to stop rotating my chair when I talk to people on Zoom. Isn't that the whole point of having a spinny chair? 🤷♀️
#57
Chihuahua Mama 2 months ago
"Well that was a nice time. Now I'll just overthink every single thing I said and did for the next 2 weeks"
#59
#60
Grumpy old man 2 months ago
Youre dead to me 🧐🧐🧐 just kidding. I hate that stuff. Blech
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Robert Millar 2 months ago
Rantch. That's what you do to your underpants when they've gotten up the crack.
#61
Grumpy old man 2 months ago
No, they ressurected me. I tell everyone, dying hurts, EVERYWHERE. All your organs are starved for oxygen and the fishy part of the back of brain panics all at once. If you can, calm down, relax like jumping out of an airplane relax. Stay in control of yourself until you get to the hospital.
#62
#63
Huddo's sister 1 month ago
I used to have a friend who insisted on selfies at any event/catch up. Since we stopped being friends 4 years ago, I don't think anyone has taken a photo of me.
#64
Owen 2 months ago (edited)
Top secret life cheat - You can totally go into a shop and spritz yourself with some aftershave/perfume and then just leave. Nobody will stop you.
PrettyJoyBird 2 months ago
Imagining you live in a populated city like NY and every day on way to work you walk in spray cologne while the same 3 employees stare you down. That is brave. 😆 i could maybe do it once a month 3xs total and would still be embarrassed.
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#65
#66
moggiemoo 2 months ago
I'm supposedly quite intelligent but every now again I come across a simple concept that just won't register.
Grumpy old man 2 months ago
I also spend too much time outsmarting dumb people that I often overthink a simple problem
Load More Replies... #67
Lotekguy 2 months ago
It may be your best car, but this is somebody's worst pun.
Load More Replies... Auntriarch 2 months ago
Mine was a Peugeot 205, but it did look almost exactly like this one
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#70
#71
#72
nottheactualphoto 2 months ago
I was going to go to bed, but now I'm going to go make a sammidge.
#73
sturmwesen 2 months ago
my dog drinks with his whole face under water and seems unable to close his eyes when he rolls in sand which leads to me cleaning out half a teaspoon of sand out of his eyes... no dignity for him
#74
Huddo's sister 1 month ago
Looks like she pulled a face and the wind changed and froze it. People without plastic surgery generally age better imo.
PrettyJoyBird 2 months ago
Second time ive seen a meme of her. Is it really her, wow she looks great. Im all about aging gracefully but to each their own. Who knows if i had the means and money i might too. Maybe they get bored of themselves, hollywood rat race, competition, ect
Grumpy old man 2 months ago
She got her "start" by marrying then divorcing a NYC lawyer. Self made as much as Drumpf.
Load More Replies... #75
Kabuki Kitsune 2 months ago
I'd be tempted to put this in my yard and see how many people stop and go "wait a minute..."
#76
Grumpy old man 2 months ago
Wait until all your joints crack and you shart yourself. Good times
#77
PrettyJoyBird 2 months ago (edited)
Oh wow yeah its like quadruplets. Take away hair and their faces are quite similar. Exact noses too. Same facial expressions. Or is that the joke and its heavily edited????
#78
Kat 2 months ago
"Unc" is a term taken from AAVE (I'm pretty sure) that is slang for "uncle", usually referring to old and out-of-touch people. They're calling OP old.
Load More Replies... #79
#80
#81
Blue Bunny of Happiness 2 months ago
Is her boyfriend a Wee Free Man? (Terry Pratchett reference)
Gingersnap In Iowa 2 months ago
Reminds of a movie where a guy asks; Is this Heaven? Other guy answers; No, it's Iowa. But what do I know, right?
#83
#85
PrettyJoyBird 2 months ago (edited)
Ew. I mean (ahem-clears throat) good for them being happy and all, love that for them.
#86
#88
#89
Michael Largey 2 months ago
"If you see 10 troubles coming down the road, you can be sure 9 will go in the ditch and you have only one to battle with." - Calvin Coolidge
#90
#91
Grumpy old man 2 months ago
Lego Batman. Conroy came out just before he died. Best Batman ever. RIP
#96
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