Get Premium
Dark mode theme is available exclusively for premium users. Learn more about the benefits of subscribing.
No fees, cancel anytime.
Dark Mode 
No fees, cancel anytime 
then open in external browser
and click "Open in External Browser" 
We can all come up with quite a number of savage comebacks, remarks, or just simply funny phrases to respond to someone. However, it’s usually too late, the conversation has ended, you’re in the shower, and it’s only the soap bar and shampoo bottles listening to you. Worry not! This list will provide you with the funniest comebacks and remarks, ready to use on the go.
If you ever wondered what kind of funny catchphrases you could use in a conversation with your friends, the options are limitless. Here on this list, gathered today are funny sayings. From hilarious one-liners expressing your innermost feelings to more creative and funny alternatives for the famous “hold my beer.”
There are also perfectly summed-up sentences about the struggles in life that we might experience, but of course, with a dash of comedy to add that spice into our lives that we might be missing.
So if you’re all out of funny phrases to say to your friends, dig into this list and expand your dictionary of snappy comebacks!
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
Silence is golden. Unless you have kids. Then it’s suspicious.
Headless Roach 3 years ago
Silence is good. 'Hello' and 'goodbye' - avoiding the stuff in between is a key to a great relationship
RELATED:
#2
I’m sorry, I have to go. You’re boring me to death and my survival instincts are kicking in.
#3
Life is a bowl of soup, and I’m a fork.
Headless Roach 3 years ago
Fish out the most important chunky parts, the rest is just... vegetable water 🙃
#4
Whoever said, “Out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear in their bedroom.”
#5
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need an expert opinion.
#6
I wouldn’t exactly say I’m lazy, but it’s a good thing that breathing is a reflex.
#7
I am swift as a gazelle. An old one. With arthritis. Run over by a Land Rover. 8 days ago.
#8
Any of us has the capacity to light up a room. Some when they enter, others when they leave it.
#9
If you’re not supposed to eat at night, then why is there a light bulb in the fridge?
#10
My brain has too many tabs open.
Binky Melnik 2 years ago
You were downvoted for this, I suspect by someone too young to know what Tab was.
Load More Replies...
StitchIsCuteAndFluffy 2 years ago
My brain has the daydreaming tabs open and the reality tab minimized and it takes effort and digging to bring it back to the front screen
#11
When people tell me, “You’re going to regret that in the morning,” I sleep until noon because I’m a problem solver.
Headless Roach 3 years ago
When you wake up sober on Monday morning, it's probably a Tuesday noon.
#12
Don’t vacuum and listen to loud music on your headphones at the same time. I finished three rooms until I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
#13
I stopped fighting my inner demons, we’re on the same side now.
#14
I always say “Morning” instead of “Good morning”—if it were a good morning, I’d still be sleeping and not talking to people!
Headless Roach 3 years ago
My boss always begins with 'Good morning', and then he proceeds to tell me why it isn't.
Lorinda Woerner 3 years ago
My boss is like that too. He catches me as I walk in and doesnt even wait for me to put my stuff down.
Load More Replies... PolymathNecromancer 2 years ago
I had a customer long ago with whom I shared witty banter regularly; we agreed to always wish each other well by saying "Have a Day" so we wouldn't be locked into anything
#15
I’m not sluggish. I’m just highly motivated to do nothing.
#16
As long as cocoa beans grow on trees, chocolate is fruit to me.
#17
Some days you’re the bird. Some days you’re the statue.
DaDragonSeesU 2 years ago
I’d fly to Washington and try to poop on politicians!
Load More Replies... Headless Roach 3 years ago
'Sometimes you eat the bar, and sometimes, well, the bar eats you.'
#18
It might look like I’m doing nothing. But, in my head, I’m quite busy.
Headless Roach 3 years ago
Doing nothing is actually exhausting - you never know when you're done
#19
Beauty fades. Dumb is forever.
#20
Those who criticize our generation seem to forget who raised it!
#21
Birthdays are good for you. Studies show that people who have the most of them live the longest.
#22
I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
#23
Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?
axle f 3 years ago (edited)
if you expect the unexpected you have to accept that ;you'll always find the unexpected showing up just when you expect it to, and yet exceptions can be made in exactly what the unexpected is made up of, so it's quite possible that you'll also have to accept the fact that it might still be unexpected.
StitchIsCuteAndFluffy 2 years ago
You lost me and I don’t have the energy to make sense of your comment but regardless I applaud you 👏
Load More Replies... #24
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
StitchIsCuteAndFluffy 2 years ago
You neek. Unique. I don’t know if you were serious or not but just in case here you go
Load More Replies...
#26
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
#27
Don’t you tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon.
StitchIsCuteAndFluffy 2 years ago
Hmmmm… what about “the sun is the limit?” I betcha nobody’s been there!
Kitcat 2 years ago
North Korea one confirmed they landed a guy on the sun
Load More Replies... #28
I’m glad I don’t have to hunt for my own food. I have no idea where sandwiches live.
#29
Whatever you’re doing, always give 100 percent. Unless you’re donating blood.
#30
Don’t you wish they made a clap-on-clap-off device for some people’s mouths?
#31
“Stressed” is just “desserts” spelled backwards.
Xavier 9 months ago
Realise it's an 'enordnilap', Where a word flipped is another correct word. If it were the same, it's a palindrome. Good examples for them: Emordnilap : Palindrome Racecar : racecaR
Load More Replies... #32
They say don’t try this at home… so I went to my friend’s home!
#33
The best part of going to work is coming home at the end of the day.
#34
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
#35
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
#36
People say ‘Go big or go home’ like going home is a bad thing.
#37
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
#38
I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side, my legs for always supporting me, and my fingers, because I can always count on them.
#39
A jellyfish has existed as a species for 500 million years, surviving just fine without a brain. That gives hope to quite a few people.
#41
Think nothing is impossible? Try slamming a revolving door.
#42
I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. I am perfect.
#43
You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
#44
I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.
#45
If the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off of it!
Headless Roach 3 years ago
Like from the edges, you mean? Damn, I wandered off to the dodgy corner of the internets again.
#46
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an opponent so clearly unarmed.
#47
If a man said he’ll fix it, he’ll fix it. There is no need to nag him every 6 months about it.
#48
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
#49
He who laughs last, didn't get it.
StitchIsCuteAndFluffy 2 years ago
Sometimes I laugh but I don’t get the joke, it’s just ridiculously easy to make me laugh. Even if other people laugh and I don’t know why, I’ll laugh because they’re laughing. The rules do not apply to me!
#50
Dental-Chair Revelation: Once you have your mouth open, dentists lose the ability to ask questions with a simple yes or no answer.
General Spyro 2 years ago
It’s never ‘Did you have a good day’, it’s , So how was your day today?’
#51
Do not let your mind wander too much. It is too small for you to let it out alone.
#52
They say money doesn’t bring you happiness. Still, it is better to verify things for yourself.
Gorilla guy 2 years ago
They say money doesn't buy happiness, but I've never seen anyone crying in their Lamborghini
#53
Going to bed early. Not going to a party. Not leaving my house. My childhood punishments have become my adult goals.
#54
I am an example to others. A bad example.
#55
I’d be offended, but I’m too busy mentally correcting your errors.
#57
Chocolate doesn’t ask any questions. Chocolate simply understands.
#59
World Magazine has come out with a new survey: Apparently, three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
#60
Don’t worry, if Plan A doesn’t work, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.
StitchIsCuteAndFluffy 2 years ago
No, you only have to worry when Plan Z doesn’t work. Then you start getting into Greek letters: Alpha, Beta, Gamma, Delta, etc. etc.
Load More Replies... #61
Hearing voices in your head is normal. Listening to them is quite common. Arguing with them – acceptable. It is only when you lose that argument that you get in real trouble.
Mingo Contraventum 2 years ago
You're in real trouble if your arguing with yourself turns into a fist fight.
#63
The leading source of computer problems is computer solutions.
Headless Roach 3 years ago
If you think the problems I create are bad, wait to see my solutions!
#64
I’m not sleeping, I’m resting my eyelids.
#65
If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
Headless Roach 3 years ago
I thought wine was the answer....... but i don't really remember what the question was
#67
I didn’t fall down. I did attack the floor, though.
#68
Every rule has an exception. This rule is no exception.
#69
The true nature of a human being clearly shows when the supermarket opens a second checkout lane.
#70
I’m never wrong. I’m just different levels of right.
#74
My bed and I are perfect for each other, but my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.
#76
I am in touch with my motivation. I saw it going by this morning, waving at me and winking.
#80
They say good, honest work never did anybody any harm, but I don’t want even the slightest risk.
Headless Roach 3 years ago
All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.
#86
A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station…
#88
There are people who are living proof that total brain failure does not always lead to physical death.
#92
When life hands you lemons, make lemonade, find the person that life handed vodka to, and have a party.
#93
Death is hereditary.
#95
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
#101
Somebody said today that I’m lazy. I nearly answered him.
#102
If you can’t live without me, then why aren’t you dead yet?
#103
God created the world. Everything else is made in China.
#104
I used to think that you were a pain in the neck. My opinion of you has dropped significantly lower since then.
#107
I’m jealous of my parents. I’ll never have a kid as cool as theirs, one who is smart, has devilishly good looks, and knows all sorts of funny sayings.
#118
With a face like yours, you have a good chance in a lawsuit against your parents.
#119
There is no lousy weather, only lousy choice of clothing.
Saltypepper 2 months ago
That's whyvi like he Cold you can always put more on to get warm ,you can never take enough off to get cool
Load More Replies...
#120
I’m glad I don’t have to hunt for my food. Where does pasta even live?
#123
Want to know what it’s like to have the best kid in the world? You’ll have to ask Grandma and Grandpa.
Explore more of these tags
You May Like 40 Hilarious Quotes From The Most Famous People 69 Hilarious Moments When Men Proved They Never Really Grew Up At All (New Pics) 51 Petty Business Boycotts People Have Kept Going Out Of Pure Principle And Spite
Saimonas Lukošius
Simona Kinderytė
Ilona Baliūnaitė
Related on Bored Panda
