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They say you should never air your grievances, or be publicly smug, but what better place to show the world how clever you are than Twitter? After all, you're living a married life now, and you have to prove to all your friends that you're not some lame funny husband, but the same Alpha Kappa Beta man you always were. Getting a divorce because your wife says you're too punny with marriage jokes? "Divorce is strong with this one!"
Bored Panda has put together this list of the best funny tweets by husbands that Twitter has to offer. Which one best sums up your marriage or a long-term relationship? Vote below, or share your own funny husband quotes in the comment below. Are you not just a husband, but a dad, too? Then be sure to also check out these funniest tweets on parenting! (h/t)
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
Hannah Dobbs 9 years ago
i'd just keep giving him stuff to do involving wherever he says he is
RELATED:
#2
Craig Spence 9 years ago
Not if you adjust just so and get a certain magic number in your cheeks. Pretend you're a hamster.
Lane cheg 7 years ago
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#3
#4
Victoria Jolley 9 years ago
LOL this is soo funny, ill try this to my dad after work and we go out to eat!
#5
P.Brux FHell 9 years ago
I followed this dude's tweets. I don't have kids and by reading his feed I'm still sure I don't want any, LOL
#6
#7
Kanishka Rajawansha 9 years ago
*Having second thoughts about buying milk.. or getting married*
#8
David Martin 9 years ago
Obviously not true, 12 months later no man says "That was fun, I'd like to be kicked in the balls again"
#9
Caitlyn Caggiano 9 years ago
hahah me the other day when my husband came home a half hour early.
#10
#11
#12
Anita Brenke 8 years ago
English is not my native language and I‘ve read „The rapist“. I thought „why are they talking with a rapist?“ 🙄
Stephanie Mowery 9 years ago
It took me a full minute to realize that it said "therapist" and not "the rapist"...thanks a lot celebrity jeopardy!
Yamilucha Saenz 9 years ago
My husband's been pronouncing it The Rapist instead of Therapist for years. I try to remain annoyed but gets me every time. Lol!!
Yamilucha Saenz 9 years ago
My husband has been ptonouncing it The Rapist, instead of Therapist for years. Lol
#13
Jorge Perez 8 years ago
I know the feels. Don't test someone who does all the grocery shopping. Haha
#14
Robertus Ariel 9 years ago
My wife always ask me what i wanted for dinner and then says "NO, i don't want that" at all my choices
Sheila Stout 8 years ago
My husband does this to me all the time. M: how about this, him: no, it just doesn't sound good. Me: *rolls 👀
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#15
Yuan Xilu 9 years ago
And then you should add ice and milk to it and sipp your delicious icecoffee
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Chantelle Gregoire-Riddle 9 years ago
No its not that its bitter and cold. It just needs a 30 second warm up
#16
#17
Daria B 9 years ago
I'd prefer he actually told me about his zombie ninjas and cyborg Nazis from the future....
Elizabeth Molloy 9 years ago
I can honestly say, I have never, ever asked anyone that question. Why would you?
Crystal Rose 9 years ago
Figures!! Men can't even really think about their women even when it's a special day...
#18
Puddin Tane 9 years ago
As Walter says, "I only do what the voices in my wife's head tell me to do." Walter is from "Aunty Acid"
#19
Kimberly Allen 9 years ago
Or maybe do ... if she needs a shoulder to cry on or someone to care. But just ask ... then LISTEN
#20
#21
Mark Taranto 9 years ago
Wait! Yes it s! It just took too long to get it.
Load More Replies... #22
Tanith Winter 9 years ago
But occasionally they bring you something that wasn't on the list and is totally amazing though right???
#25
#26
#27
Anita Pócsi 9 years ago
Ask Monica who has 11 types, and one of them is for the Queen of GB. :)
Sara Balmbra 9 years ago
Queen of Wales. Her Majesty Elizabeth II is Queen of Wales.
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Tanith Winter 9 years ago
And the difference between folding tea towels, bath towels and hand towels...
#29
Yamilucha Saenz 9 years ago
Lmao!! I do the same to my husbsnd. Not just the awakes, but the restlessness too.
#31
#32
#33
Paula Alvarez Alvarez 9 years ago
Everything looks better in YOUR dishes. hy don't u like to share????
#35
#36
#38
Caitlyn Caggiano 9 years ago
last night I made a fb post and then made my husband comment on it. haha
#41
#42
Angeline Laura 9 years ago
Baby dancing. "My son" Baby playing. "My son" Baby pooping. "Your son"
#43
#44
Celia McDaniel 9 years ago
In my house, we have a rule that if u unplug someone's phone from a charger then u put $1 in this "I was bad" jar that we have.
#45
Nizha Ariotejo 9 years ago
oh no...not mine..never mine...well at least not 50 alright,juuust a little tiny bity bite, dont mess with my food :D
#48
Nizha Ariotejo 9 years ago
huahahaha...totally can relate this, always discuss same thing, her side his side on bed, almost every night, just everytime when he's start putting his butt (yeah his butt only) on my bed side....sometime he made me scratch him just to make him out off my side :D
#51
Suzie Q Ogden 9 years ago
With mine it would be whether or not he used my employee discount lol
#53
#55
Caitlyn Caggiano 9 years ago
this wpuld be me. my husband had blasphemously never zeen the movie.
#61
#62
Nizha Ariotejo 9 years ago
what about different colour and size of toothbrush.....mine is pink :P
#69
Shana 9 years ago
It's not bad to be on separate laptops/pcs in the same room, it's being on separate laptops/pcs in the same room and talking to each other on facebook/... (I know couples who do this, they're sitting next to each other and post on each others newsfeed "what do you wanna eat tonight" etc.... :P )
#72
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What do you think ?
Tanith Winter 9 years ago
As a newly wed, people keep asking me if married life is any different... Yes, yes it is! It's like speaking the same language but with a different accent... It's like eating cake, and realising that none of the calories count!!
Victoria Williams 5 years ago
MY EX IS BACK AND LOVE ME MORE! Thanks To Dr. Okuns you make my marriage sweeter on a dally basis. My husband and I have been married for about 7 yrs now. We were happily married with two kids, a boy and a girl. 3 months ago, I started to notice some strange behavior from him and a few weeks later I found out that my husband is seeing another woman. He started coming home late from work, he hardly care about me or the kids anymore, Sometimes he goes out and doesn't even come back home for about 2-3 days. I did all I could to rectify this problem but all to no avail. I became very worried and needed help. As I was browsing through the Internet one day, I came across a website that suggested that Dr. Okuns can help solve marital problems, restore broken relationships and so on. So, I felt I should give him a try. I contacted him and he did a spell for me. Two days later, my husband came to me and apologized for the wrongs he did and promise never to do it again. Ever since then, ever
Sara Marvin 7 years ago
My husband use to cheat on me with my sister. (yes, I know is hard, but I know I’m not the only one). I will be honest: I wanted revenge. And I got it. Now I’m stepping through a great year of our relationship, and we are planning our next vacations together in Paris!!!. My dearest, you saved my love life, she never interfere with our love ever since you cast your spell. Thanks again Dr. Todd, e-mail: manifestspellcast@gmail.com or website:https://manifestspellcast.wordpress.com
Rhon 9 years ago
Wow this shows just how selfish people are! After 30 yrs of marriage still loving and caring for my precious husband. My precious husband still goes out of his way to treat me wonderfully. Right now I'm feeling sad for so many couples out there.
Stacey Weaver 9 years ago
Or you could just feel sad that you don't share the same sense of humor as these couples do.
Load More Replies... Tanith Winter 9 years ago
As a newly wed, people keep asking me if married life is any different... Yes, yes it is! It's like speaking the same language but with a different accent... It's like eating cake, and realising that none of the calories count!!
Victoria Williams 5 years ago
MY EX IS BACK AND LOVE ME MORE! Thanks To Dr. Okuns you make my marriage sweeter on a dally basis. My husband and I have been married for about 7 yrs now. We were happily married with two kids, a boy and a girl. 3 months ago, I started to notice some strange behavior from him and a few weeks later I found out that my husband is seeing another woman. He started coming home late from work, he hardly care about me or the kids anymore, Sometimes he goes out and doesn't even come back home for about 2-3 days. I did all I could to rectify this problem but all to no avail. I became very worried and needed help. As I was browsing through the Internet one day, I came across a website that suggested that Dr. Okuns can help solve marital problems, restore broken relationships and so on. So, I felt I should give him a try. I contacted him and he did a spell for me. Two days later, my husband came to me and apologized for the wrongs he did and promise never to do it again. Ever since then, ever
Sara Marvin 7 years ago
My husband use to cheat on me with my sister. (yes, I know is hard, but I know I’m not the only one). I will be honest: I wanted revenge. And I got it. Now I’m stepping through a great year of our relationship, and we are planning our next vacations together in Paris!!!. My dearest, you saved my love life, she never interfere with our love ever since you cast your spell. Thanks again Dr. Todd, e-mail: manifestspellcast@gmail.com or website:https://manifestspellcast.wordpress.com
Rhon 9 years ago
Wow this shows just how selfish people are! After 30 yrs of marriage still loving and caring for my precious husband. My precious husband still goes out of his way to treat me wonderfully. Right now I'm feeling sad for so many couples out there.
Stacey Weaver 9 years ago
Or you could just feel sad that you don't share the same sense of humor as these couples do.
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