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A lot has changed since Elon Musk acquired Twitter, ripped its soul out, and rebranded it as X. But one thing remained the same, and that is the out-of-this-world funny content that people share on the platform. No matter what’s happening in the world, you can count on folks on X to see humor in everything and make us laugh.We all probably could use a little pick-me-up right now, so we gathered many tastefully hilarious tweets from the ‘Texts From Last Night’ Instagram account for your entertainment. To find them, all you have to do is scroll down!
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#1
Yrral Spavit 2 months ago
I was snerdling this morning and didn't know it :P
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John Glunk 2 months ago
I am Snerdling as I read this post. I told my wife not to interupt my Snerdle and she doesn't look at me the same anymore.
Denise Knight 2 months ago
This makes me recall "Tharn", a term coined by Richard Adams in Watership Down, referring to the state of a terrified rabbit's instinctive freeze or paralysis in the face of danger....or the wide-eyed look you give the waiter when he asks if the food is okay, just as you have taken a huge mouthful.
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#2
Babsevs 2 months ago
absolute solid queen moves .... it's just so sad that us girls/women feel we have to keep an eye on situations around us to keep each other safe 😔
Grumpy old man 2 months ago
Nah. Women have to work together against creeps. Even men look for creeps & oddballs just in case 💩 hits the fan
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#3
PenguinEmp 2 months ago
Actually it would be boomer parents to gen x. Boomers would be 50 when millennials were born
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Michael None 2 months ago
The joke is neither can be what they want. You have to be what society says you can be and for 99% we are going to live boring little lives. Learn to love your boring little life, your time is short to be happy in.
Corbmi 2 months ago
My wife works and I stay at home with our two boys. It's important that the kiddos see this dynamic (I do all the tradition things that would be considered 'women's work' in the 1950s). Healthy for their development, although I feel like my wife gets the worst part of this deal overall as being at home is awesome. Although if there's a noise in the house at 3am that was clearly made by a m******r, I still have to be the one to get out of bed to investigate.
Alewa 2 months ago
Not necessarily. Old millennials can have young boomer parents
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Sam Trudeau 2 months ago
And then the millenial parents of gen alphas are doing poor job monitoring their kids' YT search history
Karen Menard 2 months ago
Alot of us created GREAT sons who top the charts in baby-loving and enduring wife care. I just wish it had translated to my eX WHO WAS A 00% DAD AND HUSBAND.
Kim Kermes 2 months ago
Not my parents. My brothers were early boomers, I was a middle boomer. We were raised to take care of ourselves in and out of the house.
#4
#5
Anthony Elmore 2 months ago
And with that, another finger on the monkey's paw curls as The Majestic Opossum makes their way to the sleepy town of Silent Hill.
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Child of the Stars 2 months ago
One of my coworkers was telling about a haunted house that did something like this. You got a light-up necklace at the entrance. If the necklace was off, they'd do the scares; if it was on, they'd just make chit-chat. A really cool option for people who are sensitive to jump scares.
Anthony Elmore 2 months ago
Ok, so I read "chicken night" and was expecting them to say all the monsters were just replaced with chickens. I'm not saying their idea isn't good, but I still want to see my version, too.
Lila Allen 2 months ago
I like your version better. Would the chickens have costumes and back stories?
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Socrates 2 months ago
Okay, but then you don’t get the adrenaline hit. It’s so much fun being scared.
HistoryNerd 2 months ago
I thought haunted house FOR chickens, which I guess is one way to k**l chickens?
#6
keyboardtek 2 months ago
If my bank prohibited withdrawals less than $100 I would switch to a different bank.
Annabelle 2 months ago
I like that she specified all tens, instead of asking for $1000 and can you make part of it a ten. All tens. Bahahahahaaaa! As though her "measly" $10 request isn't worth the bank teller's time or effort. What a crock; hope they changed the rule, but I'm sure not. I love that lady!
Sue 2 months ago
Seems like it probably took longer to tell her to use the ATM than to just give her the money.
Joe Reaves 2 months ago
I feel bad for the cashier because I'm sure they didn't make the rule, but good on the customer for getting what she wanted. If all the customers did that and wasted so much time the bank would change the rule.
Mary Peace 2 months ago
Yes! Let's hope she told her friends to go in and do the same trick.
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Verfin22 2 months ago
Most ATMs won't withdraw that much, even in a whole day. They also come out in $20 or $100.
Bill Swallow 2 months ago
Newer ATMS will let you specify withdrawals in $5, $10, $20, or higher denominations.
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#7
keyboardtek 2 months ago
And every story about that main boy was acquired from previous stories about other pagan main boys.
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SchadenFreudian Psychology 2 months ago
Not only that, he wore a dress, and (according to Christian mythology) hung around with twelve other dudes and never married. 🤔
Grumpy old man 2 months ago
Jesus was real, but like Sejanus and random ancient Romans and Egyptian pharoahs the were erased from history.
Load More Replies... #8
Ariadne Toms 2 months ago
Man do dishes woman mow lawn, poop shower then nap. 😴 good man cook food while woman nap. Children quiet. Had hard time mowing lawn. Food ready when wake.
Grumpy old man 2 months ago
I do my own dishes because I love my tools. Any woman ruins my pans or knives .. OUT!
#9
SheamusFanFrom1987 2 months ago
Forget getting a guy or girl, I want that risotto recipe... XP XD
nottheactualphoto 2 months ago
True, it isn't pasta. What it IS is delicious.
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#10
Dave Brown 2 months ago
But you were delayed WITH Karen, so really $200 was the least the airline could do for you. You earned it.
Alex Boyd 2 months ago
It sure was a huge favor for corporations when we all went along with the idea that "insisting upon receiving a service or product for which we have paid" is Karen behavior.
CK 2 months ago
Yeah, people really need to stop conflating standing up for yourself with taking it out on the employees.
Load More Replies... Giraffe Sitter 2 months ago
One of the best perks I ever had sitting in first class was a front row seat to the pilot personally kicking a Karen off the plane.
Joe Reaves 2 months ago
If you've been delayed beyond a certain length of time you are entitled to compensation. Standing up for yourself and getting that compensation (which the airline sure as hell isn't going to tell you about)for everyone is not being a Karen.
#11
Noelle Greeley 2 months ago
Time for you to get a king sized blanket, build a fort with it, then say only kings allowed.
#12
Hmmm hmmmm 2 months ago
But they're all being covered up by crypto libertarian communists !!!!!!!!
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#13
#14
Tim Gearing 2 months ago
Here’s the rub. The Match Group own Tinder and almost every other dating app. The conspiracy theory could be that they are making it difficult to find a match in order for the $$ in subscriptions to keep flowing?
#15
Joe Reaves 2 months ago
Dad's response tells us all we need to know about why she got the tattoo
#16
Michael Largey 2 months ago
You realize that you'll be risking Elon Musk showing up at your wedding, don't you?
Colleen Glim 2 months ago
Provided he brings a largish cheque, I’ll pretend he’s my long lost uncle. I’ve worked retail enough to be nice to d**n near anyone. I’m not proud
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Nikki Sevven 2 months ago
Tip for everyone else: You don't have to plan a wedding to do this. They're clearly not going to attend, so how would they know?
#17
keyboardtek 2 months ago
Certainly this is true at this moment in the history of the United States.
Phantom Phoenix 2 months ago (edited)
Can't return to un-knowing & test if ignorance truly is bliss
#18
Sarah Bailey 2 months ago
With a quilters corner for people can pay to sew a square during their stay, when the quilt is finished the names of those who worked on it get thrown in a drawing for the winner¡!¡
Sheena Leversedge Wood 2 months ago
and the next thing you know, you're starring in a fanfic human AU meetcute.
#19
No Man 2 months ago
In just about every other developed country, the gov just sends you a bill or a refund as needed. You only need to file a return if you have special circumstance. If you're just a "wage slave", the government (even in the US) already knows everything they need to know. For the vast majority of working folks, there's no need to file a return. All those bits of paper you get; 1099s, W-2s etc, are just copies of information that has already been provided to the IRS.
Michael Largey 2 months ago
In every other developed country, the rich pay taxes proportional to their ability to pay. The complexity of the US system is there to insure this does not happen here.
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KnightOwl86 2 months ago
Only in America, in every other western country you just get sent a bill or a refund. You only have to file taxes yourself if your a business owner/self employed.
Colleen Glim 2 months ago
Canada also requires you to file a tax return. If you don’t, they get really unhappy at you
Load More Replies... Alex Boyd 2 months ago (edited)
You don't go to prison if it was a reasonable mistake. When you sign the form, you're swearing that you filled it out correctly to the best of your ability. If it turns out your best was wrong, "Your Honor, I am a dummy" is a valid defense. They'll put you on a payment plan, and you go on with your life. (I know it's a joke, but people worry about this! Al Capone went to prison for tax fraud *because he was Al Capone*.)
LooseSeal's $10 Banana 2 months ago
Exactly. I'm not going to spend an inordinate amount of time. If I get it wrong, I get it wrong. If I'm audited, I'll pay what I owe.
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Slapdash1 2 months ago
Ah, another problem solved long ago in civilised countries, where you don't have to do anything and it's all sorted for you. Couple of years back you had to log in and click 'ok' to accept the statement. Nowadays not even that.
Nota Robot 2 months ago
It's true to some extent. In the Netherlands you can do it this way, but you will miss out on a lot of benefits you might qualify for if you read the fine print of the fine print.
Load More Replies... Maggie Fulton 2 months ago
And if you are a freelance, you have to guess how much you will make each quarter, and if you guess wrong they charge you.
#20
Serena Myers 2 months ago
Scam callers. Answer the phone with "How can we help you today?" Works well!
Lila Allen 2 months ago
I go with " I told you not to call me until the cops finish investigating. You're gonna get us arrested for murder"
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#21
#22
#23
Dirk Daring 2 months ago
Not my dumb a*s looking up how to drink a glass of wine through a living room window...
#25
Tyranamar Seuss 2 months ago
I'm having a heck of a time internet dating bc I will ask these guys some basic question, to get the ball rolling. And they'll respond back- Hey, how was your day? Um, sir, I asked you a question. If you're not listening to me now, before we've even started dating, there's zero chance you'll listen when things get more serious. So into the trash pile they go.
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Doug Moyer 2 months ago
If there has been a chain of texts since my wife last checked the group chat or whatever, she will only read what is currently on her screen. This will never change and we all just have to live with it...
Bill Swallow 2 months ago
HAH! I get this "only one answer" behavior from everyone in our household, regardless of gender!
#26
#27
Ode 2 months ago
Cleaning is no joke, all those squats or lunges one does to pick up things from the floor... sweaty business
Mike Rodrick 2 months ago
You should stretch before & after strenuous activity.
Load More Replies... Danielle 2 months ago
Changing the sheets is a hard job and usually results in a little lay down on the newly made bed
Colleen Glim 2 months ago
Well yeah! Gotta make sure you did it properly! That’s called quality control. Very important job
Load More Replies... #28
Child of the Stars 2 months ago
Why do they need to know my gender at all? It's ice cream. Nobody's judging the dude who wants the bubble gum flavor.
SchadenFreudian Psychology 2 months ago (edited)
It’s because they want marketing data. It started out as a way to find out what kind of things different groups of people wanted. Now, gathering data, and making Powerpoints about it, is the biggest form of busywork on the planet.
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KnightOwl86 2 months ago
Nope, It's called dark humour. (There is no baby so why get upset?)
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#31
Billo66 2 months ago
We have canned black bread, bacon, cheeseburgers. ..I'm sorry. "tins of..." :) yes they are quire disgusting.
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Rosie 2 months ago
They're not really cans, just cardboard tubes (slightly thicker than for toilet rolls?). They have a cut that goes all the way around lengthwise & the label holds it all together (mostly). Once you peel the label off, you twist the "can" & it pops open at the cut. A bit more twisting & you can get the contents out. Once in a while a cheapie brand won't make strong enough labels & the dough would pop out in your fridge. Usually the worst problem is to keep twisting the tube after it pops w/o mushing the contents. In the US, we get tubes for biscuits (scones), pizza dough, croissants, etc.
KazzaHazza 2 months ago
Wasn’t there a story going round that a woman had one of these in her shopping in a hot car and it popped and splattered on her head and she thought she’d been shot?
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Gingersnap In Iowa 2 months ago
I'm hungry for a biscuit! I had one with my supper but a certain dog named Melvin took it.
#32
Bill Swallow 2 months ago (edited)
... Change 'Walk the streets' to 'Fly the skies', and you have a winner.
LooseSeal's $10 Banana 2 months ago
D**n, I thought of that exact line before I saw this comment. We're absolutely right.
Load More Replies... #33
The Majestic Opossum 2 months ago
LOUDER for the rich mfers in the back. Money, like time, is a made up social construct. Unfortunately it's one that currently determines our ability to survive, but made up nonetheless. If banks can get billion dollar bail outs, so can the people.
Sue 2 months ago
My boyfriend was watching his "gold shows," so I asked him why is gold really so valuable. He said it doesn't rust. I'm like, that's a lot of money when you can buy Rust-Oleum. There was actually mention of it on a show. Thousands of years of war & murder for something that is mostly "just sparkly." Of course, now, it's just all on paper, so even more worthless.
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Nota Robot 2 months ago
Sure we can. You can finance it by providing fewer tax cuts to the ultra-rich.
Tyranamar Seuss 2 months ago
I once asked a preacher why Jesus had to suffer to wipe away our sins. Why couldn't God just cancel our debt? He replied to me that it works the same way as monetary credit. You can't just wipe away your debt. I nodded like this made sense. But really I was thinking- and why couldn't we do that?
#34
Child of the Stars 2 months ago
"I love your dress!" "Thanks, it has POCKETS!" Every time 😂
Load More Replies... Barbara Potter Pinto 2 months ago
That is a TRUTH! We need to know exactly what we're getting into, without surprises!
#35
Michael Largey 2 months ago
Certain people I know not being mad at me would be both stressful and bewildering.
Kenny Kulbiski 2 months ago
Yeah, but then I'd get anxious about the possibility of them lying to me.
Mary Peace 2 months ago
Or they could just tell me I'm not mad, as in doolally, that would work.
#36
#37
MsPlants 2 months ago (edited)
I love how all the comments on here from ment are like no its his money or no its his p***s instead of taking womens word for the fact that a mans personality is what we look at. ffs. the women he keeps pulling are beautiful and rich they can get any man they want they woouldnt go for him because of his money or a big d**k. they can get a big d**k anywhere. When women say your s**t personality is why you are alone YOUR S**T PERSONALITY IS WHY YOUR ARE ALONE. Take Travis and Jason Kelce, You never hear about women thinking Travis is hot but yu hear women talk about how great Jason is and how many women want him. why? Because his personality is the best! he has a great smile and laugh, he loves his wife and kids. He is literally what we all want.
Angie May 2 months ago
Love the guy in the comments below utterly missing the point and providing perfect examples of what you're talking about.
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Michael None 2 months ago (edited)
Because dating a Kardashian requires a complex and invigorating personality. They are all soooooo deep. Maybe he has a big d**k.
General Anaesthesia 2 months ago (edited)
He has a ton of exes. They say that tells you something about him and/or them.
cj be like 2 months ago (edited)
I heard if you say Beetlejuice 3 times Pete shows up and takes all your dru gs
Grumpy old man 2 months ago
He has a 10 inch 🍌 and his relationships dont last. He's just a scuzzball
#38
The Majestic Opossum 2 months ago (edited)
Now I feel like an alcoholic because I didn't realize there are people who didn't know this was a drink. So y'all didn't show up to every party in your 20s carrying a full bottle of Malibu that you'd inevitably empty by end of the night??
#39
Laurel Smith 2 months ago
I’ll be beginning in October with NOctober. It works better for my schedule.
Colleen Glim 2 months ago
Can I use November to say no to the entire Christmas season and have it stick? I hate Christmas. Call me Scrooge, but the entire happy, loving, goodwill toward men thing is just depressing. Christmas at the dollar store could turn Santa himself into scrooge
#40
#41
Blue Bunny of Happiness 2 months ago
Ahhh….so .I actually need to not look like s**t on occasion then. Got it.
Uncle Panda 2 months ago
When I started my last job, I made sure to go in tired and sleepy looking the first few weeks so they'd get used to seeing me that way.
#43
#44
The Majestic Opossum 2 months ago
Take a break, but only when it's convenient for everyone else, and not too long of a break. Like, 3 minutes maximum.
Slapdash1 2 months ago
Sure it is, jusy the civilised part of it. I can get six month of paid sick leave. Technically I coukd go back to work for 30 days and get another six months and so on. And they can't fire me during the leave either. Mah fellow mirkins will call it comunism. I call it civilisation.
#46
Mike Rodrick 2 months ago
Is your name Donald Trump? Asking for a friend.
Load More Replies... #47
Huddo's sister 2 months ago
One and only time I was a bridesmaid, our dresses were only like $200 and the bride's mum knew I was a poor uni student so paid for half.
#48
LillieMean 2 months ago
This is how I dress for the seasons. Spring: Pastel shades, like the first delicate flowers of spring. A promise of light, warmth and spiritual growth. Summer: Psychedelic color combinations. Keys to style, forest rave and strange bohemian hippie clothes. Sun and an endlessly bright summer night. Autumn: Lush autumn colors that celebrate the harvest while saying bon voyage to the migratory birds. You reflect on the thinness of the thread of life. Winter: Whatever. No one can see what's under the coat. At least not a bra, that's for sure.
Shelley DuVal 2 months ago
ditto, except for me it's wearing a mask when I go out because I am ill, but not having to wear my false teeth cos no-one can see under the mask.
Load More Replies... Belinda 2 months ago
Made fårikål today. Norwegian course. Lamb (sheep) and cale w pepper corns and potato. Soo good 😄
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#49
Yrral Spavit 2 months ago (edited)
Couldn't make it to the gym for my workout this morning. That makes five years and counting :p
#50
Ace 2 months ago
One of the main reasons I don't do social media. Been having to use FB a bit recently, found a browser extension (FBP) that blocks most of the unwanted stuff (which is anything and everything that I haven't specifically chosen).
Mark Schutz 2 months ago
The person who created and runs FBP needs to be made a Saint.
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#51
Trophy Husband 2 months ago
That's actually a scientific fact, your brain edits out unimportant information and routine driving is high on that list. When you're on a commute you will often not remember it.
Captive 2 months ago
I think they just refer to the auto pilot you sometimes have
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#52
otiose 2 months ago
You should really shop around. Perhaps start with a two year degree at a community college that is transferrable to a four year, in-state college (cheaper tuition). And DON'T go for 'brand name' institutions. You'd be surprised at how cheaply you can get educated!
Load More Replies... Trophy Husband 2 months ago
My dad works at the university of Miami, so I got to go for free... Which is good because we couldn't have afforded community college... Back then it was like 30k to go, now that same college is 95k and I don't work there so my kids go to a state school and they need to get a scholarship because I can't afford the whole amount!
Foxglove🇮🇪 2 months ago
Daughter going into second year, between fees, accommodation and living expenses it's running at around €15k per year...
#53
LillieMean 2 months ago
People who drive for work always have creative expressions for people who don't understand the traffic rules. Demented Ninja is one of the funniest I've heard.
#55
#56
The Majestic Opossum 2 months ago
Turning 40 means finally figuring it out and not drinking like I used to
Space Invader 2 months ago
Turning 50 means telling yourself "screw this" and going back to 30...
Load More Replies... Serena Myers 2 months ago
Rapidly galloping towards 70 means spending money on wills, funerals, lasting power of attorney, with a bottle of wine at Christmas and birthdays as a treat!! Seriously, folks, I know it sounds depressing, but make sure you get everything sorted.
Yrral Spavit 2 months ago
I fortunately learned in my late teens that drinking was a waste of time. Got hangovers from hell. You could get the same effect (and much cheaper) by smacking yourself in the forehead with a brick - if you desired such a thing.
#57
#58
Multa Nocte 2 months ago (edited)
Unless he pronounced it, "Keveen," and then it's sexy again.
#59
Mike Rodrick 2 months ago
At least they won't judge you & you don't have to pay them $300 an hour.
#60
#63
The Majestic Opossum 2 months ago
Gross. I'll never understand how some people still think marriage is a marker of success.
keyboardtek 2 months ago
The few people I know who never married or delayed it for many years are the happiest I ever met. Some basically said they felt like they dodged a bullet.
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#64
#65
Ace 2 months ago
I have four or five gmail addresses for different purposes. This one for business, this one for personal, this one for websites I was forced to sign up for once upon a time...
Load More Replies... Zig Zag Wanderer 2 months ago
My Gmail accounts all stay beautifully full, and I never see them. A perfect relationship.
Doug Moyer 2 months ago
Started with geocites, my email address migrated to yahoo. Still my primary email address. No junk. Very good spam filter.
#67
Grumpy Old Broad 2 months ago
Good practice for figuring out what all the overly edited BP posts say
#68
Lila Allen 2 months ago
oh no definitely join in if they are on speaker. If they'd wanted privacy they wouldn't have put it on speaker.
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#69
General Anaesthesia 2 months ago
Subtitle at the bottom of the image: Soy suficienKEN.
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#70
Doug Moyer 2 months ago
The wife and I went to a nice little bar/cafe near us for dinner last night. Afterwards, we played Mexican train dominos and chatted. Didn't look at the phone for like two hours. Didn't even get the DTs...
#71
wowbagger 2 months ago
When these were popular back in the 90s, they had snaps at the bottom. Do they not have that anymore?
otiose 2 months ago
Bodysuits are much older than that! https://moonwoodwear.com/blogs/news/the-history-of-bodysuits-from-dancewear-to-fashion-staple
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#73
#74
#75
Agfox 2 months ago
I was at a Toastmasters Club meeting & a guy who'd been given "Fatalities in Small Boats" as the topic of his talk said "Fertilities" the first time around. He was unhappy for a long time afterwards, not helped by seeing some members & guests struggle unsuccessfully not to react
KnightOwl86 2 months ago
A few years ago my sister was telling me about a guy she was talking to and his kids, she said "his youngest is called Penny-lope, who names a kid Penny-lope?" I looked at her like she was crazy and burst out laughing before saying "you mean penelope?" Even now 2/3yrs later whenever she mentions him i ask "how is Penny-lope?"
#77
Zig Zag Wanderer 2 months ago
Strangely, this happened to me, at least with a GF. Not actually walked up etc, but not far off....
#78
#80
#82
AC 2 months ago
The way dating sites are going the only men getting laid are rich a$$holes who treat women like accessories or tall a$$holes who are selfish and treat women like $hit
Beth H 2 months ago
Untrue, my boyfriend is awesome and I met him that way.
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#84
Phantom Phoenix 2 months ago
How does 1989 simultaneously feel like 20 years ago and 100 years ago?
Child of the Stars 2 months ago (edited)
I have a coworker who is 21. I was his age when he was born. I don't usually think too much about my age, but I had a mini existential crisis when I realized I'm old enough to have a child who is old enough to legally purchase and consume alcohol 🤦♀️
#85
#86
Chilli 2 months ago
Menty B shall be my rapper pseudonym. I wrote pseudonym correctly my first try, please praise me.
Chewie Baron 2 months ago
I saw a text where someone described the cost of living crisis as “cossy livs crisis”. I died inside
#87
Dorothea Lehmann 2 months ago (edited)
Can one just see other people's venmo transactions? Sounds awful.
PunnyPanda 2 months ago
Not the amounts, but the "what's it for?" bit, unless you set it to private. Yeah, I find it creepy too. I dont need a checking acct app/social media hybrid, thank you very much, lol
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#89
#90
murmelinpaiva 2 months ago
I was working at a hospital on night shift when they brought in a guy who was drunk on the job at a steel mill and lost both his hands in a pressing machine.
Child of the Stars 2 months ago
I don't recommend this in the US. If you're involved in an accident while on the clock, whether it's your fault or not, you can be denied workman's comp.
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Serena Myers 2 months ago
Can anyone explain the notification that there is 1 comment, and when you check, there aren't any? Is this a similar thing to BP writers being allowed 30 upvotes automatically, and they can borrow another 30 from someone else who's on their day off? This should register as 2 comments now.
sawyerdakraken 2 months ago
anyone want to try my hey pandas? https://www.boredpanda.com/?p=9360715
sawyerdakraken 2 months ago
if you don't try it I will send this guy to your house images-2-6...2f3b3.jpeg 
Serena Myers 2 months ago
Can anyone explain the notification that there is 1 comment, and when you check, there aren't any? Is this a similar thing to BP writers being allowed 30 upvotes automatically, and they can borrow another 30 from someone else who's on their day off? This should register as 2 comments now.
sawyerdakraken 2 months ago
anyone want to try my hey pandas? https://www.boredpanda.com/?p=9360715
sawyerdakraken 2 months ago
if you don't try it I will send this guy to your house images-2-6...2f3b3.jpeg
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