A lot has changed since Elon Musk acquired Twitter, ripped its soul out, and rebranded it as X. But one thing remained the same, and that is the out-of-this-world funny content that people share on the platform. No matter what’s happening in the world, you can count on folks on X to see humor in everything and make us laugh.We all probably could use a little pick-me-up right now, so we gathered many tastefully hilarious tweets from the ‘Texts From Last Night’ Instagram account for your entertainment. To find them, all you have to do is scroll down!
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I was snerdling this morning and didn't know it :P
Load More Replies...I am Snerdling as I read this post. I told my wife not to interupt my Snerdle and she doesn't look at me the same anymore.
This makes me recall "Tharn", a term coined by Richard Adams in Watership Down, referring to the state of a terrified rabbit's instinctive freeze or paralysis in the face of danger....or the wide-eyed look you give the waiter when he asks if the food is okay, just as you have taken a huge mouthful.
absolute solid queen moves .... it's just so sad that us girls/women feel we have to keep an eye on situations around us to keep each other safe 😔
Nah. Women have to work together against creeps. Even men look for creeps & oddballs just in case 💩 hits the fan
Load More Replies...Actually it would be boomer parents to gen x. Boomers would be 50 when millennials were born
Load More Replies...The joke is neither can be what they want. You have to be what society says you can be and for 99% we are going to live boring little lives. Learn to love your boring little life, your time is short to be happy in.
My wife works and I stay at home with our two boys. It's important that the kiddos see this dynamic (I do all the tradition things that would be considered 'women's work' in the 1950s). Healthy for their development, although I feel like my wife gets the worst part of this deal overall as being at home is awesome. Although if there's a noise in the house at 3am that was clearly made by a m******r, I still have to be the one to get out of bed to investigate.
Not necessarily. Old millennials can have young boomer parents
Load More Replies...And then the millenial parents of gen alphas are doing poor job monitoring their kids' YT search history
Alot of us created GREAT sons who top the charts in baby-loving and enduring wife care. I just wish it had translated to my eX WHO WAS A 00% DAD AND HUSBAND.
Not my parents. My brothers were early boomers, I was a middle boomer. We were raised to take care of ourselves in and out of the house.
And with that, another finger on the monkey's paw curls as The Majestic Opossum makes their way to the sleepy town of Silent Hill.
Load More Replies...One of my coworkers was telling about a haunted house that did something like this. You got a light-up necklace at the entrance. If the necklace was off, they'd do the scares; if it was on, they'd just make chit-chat. A really cool option for people who are sensitive to jump scares.
Ok, so I read "chicken night" and was expecting them to say all the monsters were just replaced with chickens. I'm not saying their idea isn't good, but I still want to see my version, too.
I like your version better. Would the chickens have costumes and back stories?
Load More Replies...Okay, but then you don’t get the adrenaline hit. It’s so much fun being scared.
I thought haunted house FOR chickens, which I guess is one way to k**l chickens?
If my bank prohibited withdrawals less than $100 I would switch to a different bank.
I like that she specified all tens, instead of asking for $1000 and can you make part of it a ten. All tens. Bahahahahaaaa! As though her "measly" $10 request isn't worth the bank teller's time or effort. What a crock; hope they changed the rule, but I'm sure not. I love that lady!
Seems like it probably took longer to tell her to use the ATM than to just give her the money.
I feel bad for the cashier because I'm sure they didn't make the rule, but good on the customer for getting what she wanted. If all the customers did that and wasted so much time the bank would change the rule.
Yes! Let's hope she told her friends to go in and do the same trick.
Load More Replies...Most ATMs won't withdraw that much, even in a whole day. They also come out in $20 or $100.
Newer ATMS will let you specify withdrawals in $5, $10, $20, or higher denominations.
Load More Replies...And every story about that main boy was acquired from previous stories about other pagan main boys.
Load More Replies...Not only that, he wore a dress, and (according to Christian mythology) hung around with twelve other dudes and never married. 🤔
Jesus was real, but like Sejanus and random ancient Romans and Egyptian pharoahs the were erased from history.
Load More Replies...Man do dishes woman mow lawn, poop shower then nap. 😴 good man cook food while woman nap. Children quiet. Had hard time mowing lawn. Food ready when wake.
I do my own dishes because I love my tools. Any woman ruins my pans or knives .. OUT!
Forget getting a guy or girl, I want that risotto recipe... XP XD
True, it isn't pasta. What it IS is delicious.
Load More Replies...But you were delayed WITH Karen, so really $200 was the least the airline could do for you. You earned it.
It sure was a huge favor for corporations when we all went along with the idea that "insisting upon receiving a service or product for which we have paid" is Karen behavior.
Yeah, people really need to stop conflating standing up for yourself with taking it out on the employees.
Load More Replies...One of the best perks I ever had sitting in first class was a front row seat to the pilot personally kicking a Karen off the plane.
If you've been delayed beyond a certain length of time you are entitled to compensation. Standing up for yourself and getting that compensation (which the airline sure as hell isn't going to tell you about)for everyone is not being a Karen.
Time for you to get a king sized blanket, build a fort with it, then say only kings allowed.
But they're all being covered up by crypto libertarian communists !!!!!!!!
Load More Replies...Here’s the rub. The Match Group own Tinder and almost every other dating app. The conspiracy theory could be that they are making it difficult to find a match in order for the $$ in subscriptions to keep flowing?
Dad's response tells us all we need to know about why she got the tattoo
You realize that you'll be risking Elon Musk showing up at your wedding, don't you?
Provided he brings a largish cheque, I’ll pretend he’s my long lost uncle. I’ve worked retail enough to be nice to d**n near anyone. I’m not proud
Load More Replies...Tip for everyone else: You don't have to plan a wedding to do this. They're clearly not going to attend, so how would they know?
Certainly this is true at this moment in the history of the United States.
Can't return to un-knowing & test if ignorance truly is bliss
With a quilters corner for people can pay to sew a square during their stay, when the quilt is finished the names of those who worked on it get thrown in a drawing for the winner¡!¡
and the next thing you know, you're starring in a fanfic human AU meetcute.
In just about every other developed country, the gov just sends you a bill or a refund as needed. You only need to file a return if you have special circumstance. If you're just a "wage slave", the government (even in the US) already knows everything they need to know. For the vast majority of working folks, there's no need to file a return. All those bits of paper you get; 1099s, W-2s etc, are just copies of information that has already been provided to the IRS.
In every other developed country, the rich pay taxes proportional to their ability to pay. The complexity of the US system is there to insure this does not happen here.
Load More Replies...Only in America, in every other western country you just get sent a bill or a refund. You only have to file taxes yourself if your a business owner/self employed.
Canada also requires you to file a tax return. If you don’t, they get really unhappy at you
Load More Replies...You don't go to prison if it was a reasonable mistake. When you sign the form, you're swearing that you filled it out correctly to the best of your ability. If it turns out your best was wrong, "Your Honor, I am a dummy" is a valid defense. They'll put you on a payment plan, and you go on with your life. (I know it's a joke, but people worry about this! Al Capone went to prison for tax fraud *because he was Al Capone*.)
Exactly. I'm not going to spend an inordinate amount of time. If I get it wrong, I get it wrong. If I'm audited, I'll pay what I owe.
Load More Replies...Ah, another problem solved long ago in civilised countries, where you don't have to do anything and it's all sorted for you. Couple of years back you had to log in and click 'ok' to accept the statement. Nowadays not even that.
It's true to some extent. In the Netherlands you can do it this way, but you will miss out on a lot of benefits you might qualify for if you read the fine print of the fine print.
Load More Replies...And if you are a freelance, you have to guess how much you will make each quarter, and if you guess wrong they charge you.
Scam callers. Answer the phone with "How can we help you today?" Works well!
I go with " I told you not to call me until the cops finish investigating. You're gonna get us arrested for murder"
Load More Replies...Not my dumb a*s looking up how to drink a glass of wine through a living room window...
I'm having a heck of a time internet dating bc I will ask these guys some basic question, to get the ball rolling. And they'll respond back- Hey, how was your day? Um, sir, I asked you a question. If you're not listening to me now, before we've even started dating, there's zero chance you'll listen when things get more serious. So into the trash pile they go.
Load More Replies...If there has been a chain of texts since my wife last checked the group chat or whatever, she will only read what is currently on her screen. This will never change and we all just have to live with it...
HAH! I get this "only one answer" behavior from everyone in our household, regardless of gender!
Cleaning is no joke, all those squats or lunges one does to pick up things from the floor... sweaty business
You should stretch before & after strenuous activity.
Load More Replies...Changing the sheets is a hard job and usually results in a little lay down on the newly made bed
Well yeah! Gotta make sure you did it properly! That’s called quality control. Very important job
Load More Replies...Why do they need to know my gender at all? It's ice cream. Nobody's judging the dude who wants the bubble gum flavor.
It’s because they want marketing data. It started out as a way to find out what kind of things different groups of people wanted. Now, gathering data, and making Powerpoints about it, is the biggest form of busywork on the planet.
Load More Replies...Nope, It's called dark humour. (There is no baby so why get upset?)
Load More Replies...We have canned black bread, bacon, cheeseburgers. ..I'm sorry. "tins of..." :) yes they are quire disgusting.
Load More Replies...They're not really cans, just cardboard tubes (slightly thicker than for toilet rolls?). They have a cut that goes all the way around lengthwise & the label holds it all together (mostly). Once you peel the label off, you twist the "can" & it pops open at the cut. A bit more twisting & you can get the contents out. Once in a while a cheapie brand won't make strong enough labels & the dough would pop out in your fridge. Usually the worst problem is to keep twisting the tube after it pops w/o mushing the contents. In the US, we get tubes for biscuits (scones), pizza dough, croissants, etc.
Wasn’t there a story going round that a woman had one of these in her shopping in a hot car and it popped and splattered on her head and she thought she’d been shot?
Load More Replies...I'm hungry for a biscuit! I had one with my supper but a certain dog named Melvin took it.
... Change 'Walk the streets' to 'Fly the skies', and you have a winner.
D**n, I thought of that exact line before I saw this comment. We're absolutely right.
Load More Replies...LOUDER for the rich mfers in the back. Money, like time, is a made up social construct. Unfortunately it's one that currently determines our ability to survive, but made up nonetheless. If banks can get billion dollar bail outs, so can the people.
My boyfriend was watching his "gold shows," so I asked him why is gold really so valuable. He said it doesn't rust. I'm like, that's a lot of money when you can buy Rust-Oleum. There was actually mention of it on a show. Thousands of years of war & murder for something that is mostly "just sparkly." Of course, now, it's just all on paper, so even more worthless.
Load More Replies...Sure we can. You can finance it by providing fewer tax cuts to the ultra-rich.
I once asked a preacher why Jesus had to suffer to wipe away our sins. Why couldn't God just cancel our debt? He replied to me that it works the same way as monetary credit. You can't just wipe away your debt. I nodded like this made sense. But really I was thinking- and why couldn't we do that?
"I love your dress!" "Thanks, it has POCKETS!" Every time 😂
Load More Replies...That is a TRUTH! We need to know exactly what we're getting into, without surprises!
Certain people I know not being mad at me would be both stressful and bewildering.
Yeah, but then I'd get anxious about the possibility of them lying to me.
Or they could just tell me I'm not mad, as in doolally, that would work.
I love how all the comments on here from ment are like no its his money or no its his p***s instead of taking womens word for the fact that a mans personality is what we look at. ffs. the women he keeps pulling are beautiful and rich they can get any man they want they woouldnt go for him because of his money or a big d**k. they can get a big d**k anywhere. When women say your s**t personality is why you are alone YOUR S**T PERSONALITY IS WHY YOUR ARE ALONE. Take Travis and Jason Kelce, You never hear about women thinking Travis is hot but yu hear women talk about how great Jason is and how many women want him. why? Because his personality is the best! he has a great smile and laugh, he loves his wife and kids. He is literally what we all want.
Love the guy in the comments below utterly missing the point and providing perfect examples of what you're talking about.
Load More Replies...Because dating a Kardashian requires a complex and invigorating personality. They are all soooooo deep. Maybe he has a big d**k.
He has a ton of exes. They say that tells you something about him and/or them.
I heard if you say Beetlejuice 3 times Pete shows up and takes all your dru gs
He has a 10 inch 🍌 and his relationships dont last. He's just a scuzzball
Now I feel like an alcoholic because I didn't realize there are people who didn't know this was a drink. So y'all didn't show up to every party in your 20s carrying a full bottle of Malibu that you'd inevitably empty by end of the night??
I’ll be beginning in October with NOctober. It works better for my schedule.
Can I use November to say no to the entire Christmas season and have it stick? I hate Christmas. Call me Scrooge, but the entire happy, loving, goodwill toward men thing is just depressing. Christmas at the dollar store could turn Santa himself into scrooge
Ahhh….so .I actually need to not look like s**t on occasion then. Got it.
When I started my last job, I made sure to go in tired and sleepy looking the first few weeks so they'd get used to seeing me that way.
Take a break, but only when it's convenient for everyone else, and not too long of a break. Like, 3 minutes maximum.
Sure it is, jusy the civilised part of it. I can get six month of paid sick leave. Technically I coukd go back to work for 30 days and get another six months and so on. And they can't fire me during the leave either. Mah fellow mirkins will call it comunism. I call it civilisation.
Is your name Donald Trump? Asking for a friend.
Load More Replies...One and only time I was a bridesmaid, our dresses were only like $200 and the bride's mum knew I was a poor uni student so paid for half.
This is how I dress for the seasons. Spring: Pastel shades, like the first delicate flowers of spring. A promise of light, warmth and spiritual growth. Summer: Psychedelic color combinations. Keys to style, forest rave and strange bohemian hippie clothes. Sun and an endlessly bright summer night. Autumn: Lush autumn colors that celebrate the harvest while saying bon voyage to the migratory birds. You reflect on the thinness of the thread of life. Winter: Whatever. No one can see what's under the coat. At least not a bra, that's for sure.
ditto, except for me it's wearing a mask when I go out because I am ill, but not having to wear my false teeth cos no-one can see under the mask.
Load More Replies...Made fårikål today. Norwegian course. Lamb (sheep) and cale w pepper corns and potato. Soo good 😄
Load More Replies...Couldn't make it to the gym for my workout this morning. That makes five years and counting :p
One of the main reasons I don't do social media. Been having to use FB a bit recently, found a browser extension (FBP) that blocks most of the unwanted stuff (which is anything and everything that I haven't specifically chosen).
The person who created and runs FBP needs to be made a Saint.
Load More Replies...That's actually a scientific fact, your brain edits out unimportant information and routine driving is high on that list. When you're on a commute you will often not remember it.
I think they just refer to the auto pilot you sometimes have
Load More Replies...You should really shop around. Perhaps start with a two year degree at a community college that is transferrable to a four year, in-state college (cheaper tuition). And DON'T go for 'brand name' institutions. You'd be surprised at how cheaply you can get educated!
Load More Replies...My dad works at the university of Miami, so I got to go for free... Which is good because we couldn't have afforded community college... Back then it was like 30k to go, now that same college is 95k and I don't work there so my kids go to a state school and they need to get a scholarship because I can't afford the whole amount!
Daughter going into second year, between fees, accommodation and living expenses it's running at around €15k per year...
People who drive for work always have creative expressions for people who don't understand the traffic rules. Demented Ninja is one of the funniest I've heard.
Turning 40 means finally figuring it out and not drinking like I used to
Turning 50 means telling yourself "screw this" and going back to 30...
Load More Replies...Rapidly galloping towards 70 means spending money on wills, funerals, lasting power of attorney, with a bottle of wine at Christmas and birthdays as a treat!! Seriously, folks, I know it sounds depressing, but make sure you get everything sorted.
I fortunately learned in my late teens that drinking was a waste of time. Got hangovers from hell. You could get the same effect (and much cheaper) by smacking yourself in the forehead with a brick - if you desired such a thing.
Unless he pronounced it, "Keveen," and then it's sexy again.
At least they won't judge you & you don't have to pay them $300 an hour.
Gross. I'll never understand how some people still think marriage is a marker of success.
The few people I know who never married or delayed it for many years are the happiest I ever met. Some basically said they felt like they dodged a bullet.
Load More Replies...I have four or five gmail addresses for different purposes. This one for business, this one for personal, this one for websites I was forced to sign up for once upon a time...
Load More Replies...My Gmail accounts all stay beautifully full, and I never see them. A perfect relationship.
Started with geocites, my email address migrated to yahoo. Still my primary email address. No junk. Very good spam filter.
Good practice for figuring out what all the overly edited BP posts say
oh no definitely join in if they are on speaker. If they'd wanted privacy they wouldn't have put it on speaker.
Load More Replies...Subtitle at the bottom of the image: Soy suficienKEN.
Load More Replies...The wife and I went to a nice little bar/cafe near us for dinner last night. Afterwards, we played Mexican train dominos and chatted. Didn't look at the phone for like two hours. Didn't even get the DTs...
When these were popular back in the 90s, they had snaps at the bottom. Do they not have that anymore?
Bodysuits are much older than that! https://moonwoodwear.com/blogs/news/the-history-of-bodysuits-from-dancewear-to-fashion-staple
Load More Replies...I was at a Toastmasters Club meeting & a guy who'd been given "Fatalities in Small Boats" as the topic of his talk said "Fertilities" the first time around. He was unhappy for a long time afterwards, not helped by seeing some members & guests struggle unsuccessfully not to react
A few years ago my sister was telling me about a guy she was talking to and his kids, she said "his youngest is called Penny-lope, who names a kid Penny-lope?" I looked at her like she was crazy and burst out laughing before saying "you mean penelope?" Even now 2/3yrs later whenever she mentions him i ask "how is Penny-lope?"
Strangely, this happened to me, at least with a GF. Not actually walked up etc, but not far off....
The way dating sites are going the only men getting laid are rich a$$holes who treat women like accessories or tall a$$holes who are selfish and treat women like $hit
Untrue, my boyfriend is awesome and I met him that way.
Load More Replies...How does 1989 simultaneously feel like 20 years ago and 100 years ago?
I have a coworker who is 21. I was his age when he was born. I don't usually think too much about my age, but I had a mini existential crisis when I realized I'm old enough to have a child who is old enough to legally purchase and consume alcohol 🤦♀️
Menty B shall be my rapper pseudonym. I wrote pseudonym correctly my first try, please praise me.
I saw a text where someone described the cost of living crisis as “cossy livs crisis”. I died inside
Can one just see other people's venmo transactions? Sounds awful.
Not the amounts, but the "what's it for?" bit, unless you set it to private. Yeah, I find it creepy too. I dont need a checking acct app/social media hybrid, thank you very much, lol
Load More Replies...I was working at a hospital on night shift when they brought in a guy who was drunk on the job at a steel mill and lost both his hands in a pressing machine.
I don't recommend this in the US. If you're involved in an accident while on the clock, whether it's your fault or not, you can be denied workman's comp.
Can anyone explain the notification that there is 1 comment, and when you check, there aren't any? Is this a similar thing to BP writers being allowed 30 upvotes automatically, and they can borrow another 30 from someone else who's on their day off? This should register as 2 comments now.
anyone want to try my hey pandas? https://www.boredpanda.com/?p=9360715
if you don't try it I will send this guy to your house images-2-6...2f3b3.jpeg
Can anyone explain the notification that there is 1 comment, and when you check, there aren't any? Is this a similar thing to BP writers being allowed 30 upvotes automatically, and they can borrow another 30 from someone else who's on their day off? This should register as 2 comments now.
anyone want to try my hey pandas? https://www.boredpanda.com/?p=9360715
if you don't try it I will send this guy to your house images-2-6...2f3b3.jpeg
