Trevor Lahey, AKA Greaseball1987, is one Certified Caulk Installer with a wicked sense of humor. His parody Instagram account, which gives little other information save for his hourly rate ($17.40/hour non-negotiable, if you must know), is a collection of hilariously bad construction and DIY jobs over which he writes deadpan captions.
Assuming the role of the worker, Trevor proudly presents his 'projects' with tongue-in-cheek hints and tips, whilst lavishing praise on his own creative ingenuity. The posts are rounded off with your stereotypical 'inspo' hashtags, with #keepcraftalive, #problemsolver and #themoreyouknow being particular favorites.
What do you think? Do you have any DIY disaster stories to share? Do you know any 'experts' like Trev here that might not be as skilled as they think they are? Share your thoughts in the comments below!
Given Trevor's frequent use of the word 'darts' to refer to cigarettes, we can only assume that he is Australian. Bored Panda has reached out to Mr. Lahey for further comment.
"Generally speaking toilets are poorly designed, way too many twists and and turns. I like to elevate the shitter as much as possible so when you’re dropping bombs it’s a straight drop to the city! Feeling like a Gargoyle up on your perch is just a bonus!"
"Customer safety is always a top priority of mine. With no hesitation I always add a couple extra screws to make sure the plates don’t fall off. Electrocution is a very serious issue which I do not take lightly"
"Some tasks are easier than they look! This task is just as easy as it looks. I opted to add the stopper a little lower because I know overtime the door will sag and I ain’t interested in callbacks! I’m always thinking ahead; probably why I am so successful!"
"I love when my clients send me pictures of my work after I have left. Really shows how satisfied they are with the work!"
"Customer refused to pay my hourly rate; instead he opted to pay per fitting. I was a little hesitant at first but I think this might be the better way to charge! I made a fortune off this job"
"I don't know about you but I have spent hours looking at dank memes on the shitter only to have my battery die! That is why I have decided to add outlets on all my toilets for charging purposes so I can keep the party going!"
"I had a customer looking to increase the window size at his store. His sales are down and he thinks it is possibly related to the lack of natural light in the showroom! Frankly I agree! I put in this massive window which has tripled the natural light, inevitably tripling his sales also!"
"I've mastered the 90 degree corner so I was excited about the challenge of trimming this radius. I guess I'm a master of doing the radius also! Special shout out to homedepot for making all these cuts for me!"
"When looking for studs, I generally start as far away from my mounting location as possible, and start sending screws home until I make a secure connection. Now when this satisfied customer is sitting back and watching re-runs of Two and a Half Men, they will remember how difficult the installation was, and will understand why my bill was so high!"
"Luxury at its finest. I added this soap shelf complimentary to the customer because we all know what happens when you drop the soap in the shower! You gotta bend over and pick it up, and nobody is having a good time doing that! I sometimes wonder if all these extra freebies I do are gonna crush my bottom line one day, my rates are so high though so I should be good!"
"Matching these old profiles can be next to impossible, I find if you try your best, and get it as close as possible, nobody is the wiser! I selected this profile which is practically identical, other than a few minor differences. If I didn’t point it out, you would never have noticed!"
"I increased the size of this return air grille because I felt the existing grille was undersized! Sometimes you just need to return a little extra air to the furnace! Only way to keep it working properly!"
"I always leave the barcode facing out. This way it stays clean and easily scannable when you decide to return the tiles"
"Turning a 1.5 bath home into a 2.5 bath is surprising easy. I’m surprised more humans don’t do it! It immediately increases the value of the home.... not to mention the cost savings on water; I can be dropping a bomb simultaneously as my friend yet it’s only gonna take 6L to send them home!"
"One of the shutters fell off my customers house. He asked if I could match existing. After all the excellent work I put out you'd think at this point humans would just know I can do anything. So once again I blew the socks right off the customer with my advanced set of skill"
"You have to be careful when cutting into structure. Always leave an inch at the bottom of the joist, this way it will retain its structure! By running this pipe through it, and spray foaming it altogether the joist is stronger than when I started; stronger than wood itself!"
"I started removing this tub surround so I could prep for tile and my oh my it was my lucky day. There was already tile installed. After a quick tidy up I’ll be submitting my bill and then onto the next one!"
"Have you ever tried taking 2 buckets apart? It’s impossible; that’s why I always look to the bucket for all my HVAC needs! The wedge fit guarantees no heat loss, so it’s a no brainer!"
"When installing vanities, I generally make a few reference holes so I can get my bearings in relation to the pipe. I usually get it in 4-6 holes, it doesn’t really matter if you go over though, as it’s the inside of the cabinet. When I’m done I caulk the holes so the rats can’t get through, and then toss a pack of sponges on top! In the end no one is the wiser! "
"My customer wanted me to replace her deck with 1x1 deck tiles and she was ecstatic when I surprised her with 4x4 deck tiles. The customers reaction is why I constantly strive to outdo myself and exceed the high expectations that I have created for myself! And yes I built this deck a few years ago but she wanted a fresh look!"
"Just got this ceiling fan installed. This is the next best thing to having an air conditioner! 2 speed settings with option to exhaust!i had to cut a big hole in order to properly use the exhaust setting. I am thrilled with the result!"
"Home Depot only stocks 8' lengths of laminate countertops so I had to make up this extension. I love doing custom work because it is so satisfying when you take a step back and see a job well done! The average person would not have been able to pull this off!"
"I've mastered the exterior cope, so I am always looking for a new challenge and ways to add a little pizzazz to my work. Here I opted for the double back cut corner. It's a win on all fronts!"
"When repairing cracks in facia panel, I always look to a dumper hinge for my repair! The play in the hinge allows enough movement, but ridged enough to prevent further cracks. The best part is that the hinge allows for any future access required; just open the facia like a door and work with optimal access, and then just close her up when you’re done, and no one is the wiser!"
"Ever been walking down the stairs and found out that your phone needed a charge!? I have come up with the solution! The best part is there is a built in seat while you wait for your phone to finish charging. Comfort and convenience are key in this business! Don’t feel like waiting? You can safely tuck the cord and phone tight up against the kick board, and it will be safe and out of the way!"
"Keep those pesky drafts at bay with a tight bead of caulk! Think of the energy savings! The more money in my customers pocket means more billable hours on my invoice "
"I’m not sure why they make downspouts so large, I find it’s best to reduce the size of the opening, so less water comes out. That way there is less water to freeze, so you avoid those embarrassing slips and falls. I already have back problems from sitting on the toilet for so long looking at memes, I don’t need it from slipping and falling too"
"My goal is to always make a splash and have my work standout from the competition! I lined up this same pattern 3 times in a row, it is this kind of attention to detail that keeps me booking 2 weeks in advance. 4 rows would have been too much!"
"Sometimes I just like to show off. Busting out different techniques like the corner reveal is just child's play to me. These advanced techniques are the determining factor whether or not you should be in the trades though. I mean there is a reason I'm so successful.... it's not for everyone"
"Yep! I do electrical too! My kitchen was a little dark so I added some undercabinet lighting! It really brightens the kitchen up and I know I'll see a better return when I goto sell the house from this and all the other upgrades I've done at the house!!"
"I've been doing trim and odd ball jobs in this house for years! She requested a couple new outlets be added in the hallway! I decided to add one in a very central location instead for all her power needs!"
"Quick tile repair! I had to tie my tight bead into the existing one (did that one years ago) After some overshot the colour should blend nicely! I’m on my feet all day, so the fact I had a seat to use while doing this job was a huge bonus!"
"It is unwise to run water lines above your electrical panel, incase of a leak! I find it is best to run it directly through the bottom of the panel. If there is ever an issue, gravity will take care of the rest... and I finally figured out what all those knockouts in the bottom of the panel were for; they’re weepers! "
"Code around these parts states 12 outlets per circuit max, end of discussion! I needed to add a 13th outlet, but I plugged one of the holes to remain code compliant! Very Nice!"
"Just finished drywalling and painting this shower wall. The lady I did this for was such a peach I decided to throw in a custom shower shelf at no additional charge. I know my end game is profit but sometimes you go the extra mile for the right people!"
"I struggled a bit on this one! I was deciding whether to use a deck screw to blend into the drawer face, or use a metal screw to match the handle! I went with the pan head metal screw as I figured it had better hold, and a nice border detail would tie this kitchen together! I’ve been doing repairs like this for years, and I swear I am only getting better"
"I never truly understood the need for a right angle drill; I always just bend my bit and use a regular drill.... I avoid specialty tools at all costs! When you save big on tools and materials you have the option to pass those savings onto the customer; I have yet to exercise that option, but it is available!"
"The customers dog chewed up this corner of the trim! He’s such a little bugger! Anyhow she was in a panic that she had to replace her mouldings but ol’ grease knows best. I hit that corner with my secret formula and she is good as new. Obviously I charged her for new mouldings but she is none the wiser!"
"If my customer tells me they’re constipated and they spend countless hours on the John. I always give them the free comfort seat upgrade. They really appreciate it and always bring me back for additional work. That’s why I am in this business!"
"I know a lot of guys need to use fancy door jigs to drill out a handle but I’ve been doing it freehand for years and it hasn’t failed me yet!"
"I got the water flowing today on this vanity. I love that they give you that extra hole so you can choose which side to put the tap on. I just have to plug her up with caulk to make this unit water tight!"
"I don’t take weatherproofing my outlets lightly! However, I was fresh out of exterior electrical boxes, so I finished up my sandwich and repurposed my Tupperware container for a weathertight seal! Often times you’re put in a scenario where you have no meat to fasten to; caulk gets you out of that jam everytime! If by some miracle any water happens to find it’s way into the box there are some left over bread crumbs in there to soak it up! "
"Creating open concept is every humans dream! Patching the floor where the old wall was has never been easier with this tub of patching compound! I always opt for the ultra light products; You don’t want all that extra weight on your floor joists!"
"My son wanted me to build him a tree house but I’m afraid of heights! So, I cut down these trees, smothered the tops with root stabilizer and built on top. Should be ready just in time for his 30th birthday!"
"This shed had a hole in the back corner, and was taking in water! I decided to add a dormer. This not only solves the water issues, but it adds tons of natural light. Added aesthetics is just a bonus!"
"Client safety is number 1; that is why I always complete the electrical prior to drywall. The first step is to break off those useless tabs that come on the box so you can mount it a good 3/4” back! I’m not sure why they put those on to begin with..."
"I always forgo the exterior corners when I am doing trough. It is so much easier to just give it the business and beat her around the corner! The key to this method is a steady hand with the hammer and a water tight seal with a tight bead to finish her off! Just remember; hit it like it owes you money!"
"If you drain your washing machine into your sump pit you won’t have to wash your grass in the spring. And let me tell you there is nothing worse than bringing out the ol’ Pail and ringer and giving your grass a good mopping!"
"Sometimes it takes a bit of time to find the stud. I always make sure I do my test holes above the cabinet; this way I can visually see the meat while I am securing the cabinet. If the customer has anything to say about it it’s collateral damage! But I am in the business of making money so I caulk those holes and charge accordingly!"
"Am I the only craftsman that gets irritated when so called “contractors” put handles on backwards? I mean 90% of humans are right handed so why are we putting handles on geared to left handed humans! I always handle my customers needs which keeps me booking a week in advance with repeat customers!"
"My client had a broken tile so I chipped it out and replaced it. A handful of Alex plus beads creates a suction seal to the floor on contact!"
"I already dominate the renovation and construction world, but every now and then I like to dabble in furniture and millwork just to see how far my skill set can go. Reclaimed furniture is all the rage right now, so I decided to give this 100 year old barn wood new life. Once again I did not disappoint! It is only a matter of time until I start running these furniture shops out of business!"
"The customer wanted some more natural light in her bedroom. She wanted a sun tunnel; but I knew better! I guess that's why she's the homeowner and I'm the professional!"
"Free standing tubs can be a little awkward and extremely expensive! In order to cut on costs I always walk past the Free standing tub section and head right to the sink faucets! You’ll be amazed how much more selection you get! They will probably tell you they aren’t compatible but these humans work on commission; I assure you they’re compatible and it is a way cleaner finish!"
"Sometimes it’s nice to have a foot bath when you’re dropping the Cosby kids off at the pool. I find it really helps to soak the Bunions! Don’t even get me started on the benefits of soaking those corns! This is my personal house in case you were wondering; figured it was time to do something nice for myself for a change"
"I had a customer want to upgrade to a comfort height toilet! I built this platform instead of buying the toilet. I used matching flooring so it blends... I got paid and she thinks she got a new toilet! Everybody wins!"
"I just about got this deck wrapped up. I opted for the 2x10/2x12 hangers for the extra support! This also leaves enough room in the hanger to allow for seasonal movement which will guarantee this deck is still standing in 100 years!"
"Building cabinets is a breeze. The most important aspect is securing the face frames properly. I generally skip the glue, and take the savings from that, and double down on fasteners. That ain’t going nowhere!"
"I always cut a sharp angle on my posts when doing handrails. This allows full bearing on the tip and plenty of room to expand! The best of both worlds! I always like to fill it with caulk and then sit back and watch her expand and contract!"
"When building steps I like to cut my treads at least an inch shy! (But in reality the larger the gap the better!)This gives me room for expansion but more importantly I don’t scratch the stringer trying to squeeze in a tight tread. I make up the difference with some cedar shims which will not only outlast the treads but, also adds a touch of class to the deck. Not too much class; just the right amount!"
"The customer was too tall for the current height of the shower head. They were talking about a full renovation but after I rittingered up this extension they were so impressed they paid me double my rate!"
"I installed this smoke alarm a few years back. To save a few bucks, I didn’t install a battery. They were so happy with my work, they brought me back to install some trim! Unfortunately, it’s a dead giveaway that this thing hasn’t been detecting smoke. The customer said they would be back in the afternoon, so I have until then to crush a few packs of darts to make this blend!"
"I can never stress the importance of a good layout. I always spend the extra time to get it right. I also try and use ancient Egyptian architecture wherever possible! I mean they built the pyramids thousands of years ago and they're still standing! In a few thousand years someone is gonna look at this deck and be like wow "greaseball" did a great job!"
"I had to board this door up to prevent unauthorized access to the building. I cut the handle through just in case someone needed"
"I had to think outside the box on this repair. I needed to maintain access here for my daily $4.25 fill-up at the gas station. Therefore caulk was not a viable option, good thing I had a roll of electrical tape left over from the last time I played electricon! This guarantees that the lid will remain closed, because I think we can all agree there ain’t a better tape on the market!"
"This retaining wall had rotted away, so I stacked some bricks to keep the dirt at bay! I find it’s easier to caulk them together when you don’t offset the courses, and there ain’t nothing stronger than a pile of bricks!"
"Safety is my number one concern, I couldn’t sleep at night knowing a cover plate fell off; exposing the dangerous electrical terminals! I always opt for the 2” drywall screw to ensure a good solid connection! If you’re looking for extra grab, try the coarse threads instead of the fine threads!"