An uneventful flight is usually a good one. All smooth sailing and aplomb. However, although you might be happy to get bored when things are going well during your journey, sometimes you yearn for something more. Something that would make you laugh and spice up the dull voyage. The pilots and crew know this, and sometimes, when the stars align, you get to hear funny airline announcements, which, at the very least, will make you snicker. We’ve gathered some of these funny airline pilot announcements for our list, and now you’ll be the judge of which ones of them are the funniest!
As far as funny announcements during a flight go, they can be literally about anything. Think about an amped-up flight attendant safety dance, a notion on the quality of refreshments, or an absurd prediction for the smoothness of an upcoming landing. So, although a pilot jokes about Godzilla meeting you at the airport, you know it (sadly? luckily?) won’t be true, hence the absurd. You know, once the crew begins with these jokes, it seems the funny announcements to make will never run out for them. But, as we said before - if all the stars align.
Another thing to do with these airline jokes is to learn some of them - that way, you’ll have loads of funny things to say to your compadres if you’re ever stuck on the most boring flight of your life. Although, boring flights are what we wish for you! Anyway, check out the submissions, give your votes to the most amusing ones, and share this article with your friends!
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“Hi, I’m Captain Amanda Smith. Yes, I’m a female pilot and as a benefit, if we get lost on the way I won’t be afraid to stop and ask for directions.”
Friend was flight attendant and had a passenger asked why they stopped.Without missing a beat he said, we are at a stop light
“Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate. So please don’t even try.”
Pilot as the cabin lights are dimmed: “The lights are dim and you all are getting sleepy, very, very sleepy. You don’t need any assistance from your cabin crew. Sleep now. Zzzzzz.”
“I’ve just been informed that my mother-in-law has just passed security and will be shortly boarding this flight using one of my crew passes. If you all sit down fast, we should be able to get out of here before she arrives.”
When you read this - don't make a pause between "passed" and "security". It makes it sound weird.
"In case of an emergency landing, air masks will drop from the overhead compartments. Place the mask over your nose and mouth and adjust the straps on either side to secure it. If you are traveling with a small child, secure your mask first then assist them with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one child, decide which one has the most potential and assist that one first."
“Please make sure you take all your belonging with you. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please don’t leave children or spouses.”
Funny story, my mom left me on a plane once and it was a whole thing w/ the flight attendants. I got candy tho
After a heavy landing the pilot announced, “As you may already know, we have hit our destination.”
"Now ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to share some words with you all that my father shared with me on my eighteenth birthday: Pack your bags and get out."
OMG!!! I say this all the time, yet none of my friends are familiar with this phrase!!!
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Yes! I say this and get the most confused looks or the 'oh, poor thing doesn't know their wrong' shake of the head!
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Good on ya mate, f*ck that guy, you became a pilot which takes a lot of learning, dedication and finesse. I know he can't read this, but I'm a proud of him.
Or as my mom used to say: "Don't let the door hit you on your behind..."
After a plane taxied for a long time: “If you look to your right that was the terminal we left an hour ago. I hope you enjoyed your tour of the airport. We should be leaving shortly.”
As the plane is taxiing to the gate the pilot announces, “We are currently recruiting people to clean the aircraft. If you wish to volunteer then please stand before we have come to a stop.”
“That was a rough one. Since you all survived we expect you to keep all those promises you just made.”
"Folks we will be arriving early today because we found a shortcut."
Umm folks the shortcut is through south korea. Please keep your seat belts buckled.
“For those of you wondering about the weather at our destination, Honolulu is reporting sunny skies and temperatures of 86 degrees. Unfortunately, our destination is Nome Alaska which is reporting 27 degrees below zero and blowing snow.”
"Pilot: "Ladies and gentlemen, I have a special announcement to make. Ben, my co-pilot, has just gone to use the in-flight potty for the first time in his flying career. When he comes out, please give him a round of applause!""
Is this a case of being really good at planning potty breaks, holding it or is he a new pilot? 🤔
“We’ll be landing as soon as we get closer to the ground.”
"Welcome to Orlando. The safest part of your journey is now over."
“When exiting the plane please watch out for the low overhead door. If you forget, please watch your language.”
“Please refrain from smoking until you reach a designated smoking area, which, for California, is Las Vegas.”
"Most of you already have your seatbelt fastened. Now we will demonstrate how you did that."
“As we taxi out we’d like those passengers sat on the right side of the aircraft to press their faces against the window. We’d like to remind those other airlines what a full plane looks like.”
“We are now going to dim the lights for take off. If you are scared of the dark or that the Bogey Man will get you, don’t worry, he only flies with American Airlines.”
“This aircraft is equipped to land on water… Once.”
After a bumpy landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
“Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt, and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”
“Please notice that we are 10 minutes early. So the next time we are 2-3 hours late we’ll just call it even.”
"America West (Operated by Mesa): "In the event of an emergency landing, lights on the floor will illuminate to guide you to the exit. Or you could just follow me because there's no way any of you are beating me off this plane.""
Co-pilot: "Give it up for your pilot, at the end of this flight he will have logged 40 hours without sleep just to get you all to your destination."
Pilot: "Don't worry folks, I got some sleep in the air."
“Position your seat belt tight, low and across your hips, like my grandmother wears her support bra.”
“Hello and welcome to Alaska flight 438 to San Francisco. If you’re going to San Francisco, you’re in the right place. If you’re not going to San Francisco, you’re about to have a really long evening.”
In reference to oxygen masks: “Please help yourself before helping small children or politicians.”
"Welcome to San Francisco, we hope you had a good flight and thank you for flying southwest - if you didn't, my name is Bob and this is united"
"You love us, we love you, we are better than Jet Blue, with no surcharge and no bag fee marry one of us and you'll fly freeeeee."
“My colleague on my right-hand side, his name is Steve Moore… He’s had a long and distinguished career with the Royal Air Force, spanning some decade or more, but luckily for us, he got rather bored of being a chef and has decided to take up flying.”
“We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight.”
“In a short time, we will serve refreshments. Please remember that we are in the airline business, not the food business.”
“For those of you traveling with your children – why? And for those of you that are traveling with two of your children, what in the world were you thinking?”
I'v seen an flight attendant say this, the dude was giving that safety " speach " and then Said this, made the entire " plane " laugh.
“If you need an additional reading light, just push the button above your head with the lightbulb on it. That’ll turn the light on. However, if you push the button above your head with the flight attendant on it, it does not turn us on.”
“Please return your seats to their upright and most uncomfortable position.”
“Prior to takeoff, the flight attendants will be walking up and down the aisle to make sure all of you have matching socks.”
"Last one off the plane has to clean it!"
last two people on a plane: grandson: you know i dont like cleaning grandma and your good at it. Gradma: dont u da- gradson: *allready gone
On a Southwest flight (SW has no seating assignments; you sit where you want), passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, “People, people, we’re not picking out furniture here. Find a seat and get in it!”
“Please keep your seat belts fastened and enjoy our complimentary turbulence.”
I fly only twice in my life, second time I was pressi g my face to the window. First I was so scared these jokes could make me way calmer
"Flying out of Orang Country the flight path takes you over Newport Beach a very wealthy city. To reduce noise soon after take-off I mean REALLY SOON during the climb the pilots must cut the engines to reduce noise. It's really unnerving. Just then the flight attendant comes on the P.A. and says in a whisper: "Ssssssshhh we are flying over rich people."
Pilot: “Ladies and Gentlemen welcome aboard this Southwest flight to Denver. We will be taking off just as soon I get through page 10 of this flight manual.”
"To opperate an airplane, eject..*ejects lugage**.. button should be locked and avoided during flight..."
From a passenger, after a series of noises and shuddering bumps during arrival: “Did we land or were we shot down?”
“Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive.”
“Thank you for flying with us today. And the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of US Airways.”
“There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide.”
“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.”
Slip out the back Jack... Make a new plan Stan... Don't need to be coy, Roy, jus' listen to me....
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
"So sit back and relax... Or sit up and be tense, it's your call"
"We can't take off yet because there is a warning light on and we need to check out the problem. A few minutes later: Well, it looks like it's the warning light itself that is broken so we'll just ignore it and go ahead and take off."
“Please feel free to leave behind any of your items in the overhead compartment; I’m having a yard sale this weekend.”
Announced during a period of turbulence: “No need to be alarmed folks, that’s just the sound of your luggage being ejected from the aircraft.”
It should arrive at our destination in 3...2...1...there! Now, it's our turn
"After a particularly bouncy landing in Phoenix, a Southwest attendant chirps up: "Ladies and gentlemen, that was not the pilot's fault. It wasn't the co-pilot's fault... that was the asphalt.""
“Thank you for choosing Southwest Airlines for your flight today. If you had any problems with this flight, just so you remember, you were riding with Delta.”
After a plane landed, arrived at the gate and the seat belt sign went off. The Southwest attendant said, “All rise.”
Reminds me of this mock trial we did on our field trip to a US court downtown because there was no actual trial for us to watch. This kid was playing bailiff and said, "All rise." and other stuff I don't remember.
"Hello and thank you for flying with [airline]. This is your captain, Han Solo, speaking. Your co-pilot Chewbacca and I would like to welcome you to the Millenium Falcon for our flight to [probably Pennsylvania]."
“Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Braveheart and his magnificent crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”
"Ladies and gentlemen we have found a wallet in the cabin, can you all please check and see if it is yours?" Everyone checks. "JUST KIDDING! Now that we have your attention let's get all this pre-flight stuff out of the way."
“No smoking is allowed, not even in the toilets. Don’t be naughty in our potty. If you do there is a $2,000 fine, and if you had that kind of money you’d be flying United instead of Southwest.”
When you say "naughty", are we talking "mile high" naughty, or "high as a kite" naughty?
“Those on the left side of the plane, if you look out of your window you will see John Travolta’s plane” to which all passengers on the left eagerly looked out of the window. “Those on the right side can look out of their window and see John Travolta.” There was a mad rush of passengers to the right as the flight attendant cracked up in laughter.
"As you can see, it appears we are going down. Now would be a good time to reflect on your life, and pray to whichever deity you believe in. Thank you for flying with City Airlines, we know you have a choice in airlines, and it looks like you made the wrong one."
“Okay folks, connecting flights… Oh look, there are 10 of you going to Cleveland… That could be… Fun.”
“Your menu choices are chicken or pasta. If we’re out of your choice by the time we get to you, don’t worry, they all taste the same.”
“In the unlikely event of a water landing, just think of the incredible story you’ll be able to tell your grandchildren.”
“In the event that this flight becomes a cruise, all of you lucky people get your own itsy bitsy, teeny weeny, yellow polka dot bikinis beneath your seat—minus the itsy bitsy, teeny weeny, and you get no polka dots… The beautiful bikini is equipped with water-activated light. How in the world that works, I have no idea, so if you figure it out please do let me know.”
“Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
“The signs on the ceiling and the disco lights on the floor will lead you to the exits.”
“You will find the safety briefing card in your seat pocket. It is beautiful and has lots of nice pictures.”
As the passengers applaud the end of a safety announcement “We appreciate your applause, but frankly, we prefer cash.”
While waiting at the gate “Sorry for the delay folks but the machine that breaks your luggage is broken. We’ll have you off the plane as soon as we get done breaking it by hand.”
Flight attendant on a Virgin Australia flight “And today we have someone who is celebrating their 21st birthday, please stand up xxxxxxx……Fancy that, 21 and never been in a Virgin.”
"Air control tower says we're nineteenth in line to take off, but, uhh, I think we're first in line..."
“In the event of a drop in cabin pressure please put on your own oxygen mask first and then assist your child. If you don’t want to assist the child, it’s okay, we will not judge you.”
Also heard: "If you have more than one child with you, first help the one with the most potential."
“If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put your own mask on first.”
To the tune of Auld Lang Syne: “Should other airlines be forgotten, and never brought to mind, remember Southwest got you here, and we got you here on time!”
"This your captain speaking. The next stop is whenever. Just be like "Stop."
"If you look out of the left window...I think that is the President of the United States... In his chopper. If he gets a move on, we can go. (pause) Yes, we can!"
This happened to me on a flight...except it was Cheney when he was VP!! In the 30 min it took him to land, we were forced to circle; my seatmate got really nauseous and barfed all over. Thanks, VP Cheney...
On an early morning flight, “I noticed a few ladies who forgot to put on their makeup this morning. I’ll be dimming the lights for your convenience.”
(Forgets makeup): Oh dear! No wonder why everyone is asking me if I 'feel alright'!
“Thank you for flying Southwest. We know you have other choices but you’re too cheap so you’re flying with us.”
“Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”
“Our flight attendants will be coming down the aisle to collect any trash, along with any chocolates or jewelry. Unfortunately, they don’t accept husbands or wives.”
“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing please take them with our compliments.”
“Even though the small bag may not inflate you are receiving lots of gin. Oxygen, that is.”
“Southwest is going to some very new, interesting, and even exotic places nowadays. Aruba, Cancun, Jamaica… Even Flint, Michigan.”
“Sit back. Relax. Enjoy our hospitality. Or you can sit up and be tense. The choice is yours.”
To be honest, they could remove my seat entirely and I'd still be sitting upright. Just a little anxiety flying.
“In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I’m having my own personal summer. It makes a very good fan.”
“If you are traveling with someone who needs assistance, put your own mask on first then assist the other passenger – unless it is my ex-boyfriend, and then doesn’t bother.”
“We wouldn’t have shown up for work tonight if we’d anticipated a decompression in the cabin pressure.”
“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the home of the World Champion 1908 Chicago Cubs!”
"Don't worry we don't have one of those convertible models like the other airlines."
"The overhead button to your left will turn on the light. The one in the middle will turn on air-conditioning. Alas, the button on your right will not turn on the flight attendant."
dangit thought she was a lightbulb. SHES ON the lightbulb. Shes LIGHT. SHE IS GOD. *Bows down to the flight attendent*
Flying to Las Vegas, my pilot said, “… and remember, folks, this is a non-smoking flight. If you feel the need to smoke; feel free to step out on the wing where the inflight movie is Gone with the Wind.”
From when I went parachuting: (While flying and the red light has come on) Ladies and Gentlemen, we have arrived at your destination, not ours. Please mind the step as it is a bit of a doozy, and we will race you to the ground. Thank you for flying Is That The Ground airways and remember, no one has complained about our failed parachutes. My uncle on a holiday flight heard the pilot say: OK, this flight is slightly overbooked, so we are going to ask the passengers to undo their seat belts and just as we are about to take off, jump as high as possible repeatedly until we reach our desired altitude. Getting back down will be faster
“You don’t need a parachute to go parachuting. You need a parachute to go parachuting twice.”
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Flying to Mexico & we land and the pilot says welcome to Jamaica! It was Mexico thankfully lol
On a Vienna - Brussels flight once, and as we were landing the flight attendant comes over the speaker saying "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Dusseldorf"... Cue silence, nervous glances around the plane and then a chuckle and "I apologize for the mix-up ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Brussels".
If you're going on a package holiday and there's a likelihood of ending up in the same resort complex as a lot of the other people on the flight, those that immediately stand up and start getting their bags despite being told not to are a great indicator of who to stay the f**k away from for your entire holiday. Same with people that push forward right to the edge of the baggage collection so no one else can see when their bags are coming. They may as wear a badge saying 'd******d.. avoid at all costs'.
As the plane was coming in for a landing: "Whoa, big fella...whoa..."
“We’ve reached our beautiful destination of Las Vegas, where the local time is…party time!!!” Honest to goodness. And he never said what the actual local time was. It was funny.
Flight announcement from Wyoming to Atlanta. Your Floatation device is under the seat. If it is needed we are WAY off course!
Following the normal instructions about seat belt, oxygen mask, life jacket, exit locations, etc "There is a call attendant button above your seat. Press it once to call. And press it a second time to cancel. If you want to do it over and over, we have a special button up the front just for you".
I'm just SO terrified of flying. It's so serious a phobia that just reading these gave me the chills.
Flying to Las Vegas, my pilot said, “… and remember, folks, this is a non-smoking flight. If you feel the need to smoke; feel free to step out on the wing where the inflight movie is Gone with the Wind.”
From when I went parachuting: (While flying and the red light has come on) Ladies and Gentlemen, we have arrived at your destination, not ours. Please mind the step as it is a bit of a doozy, and we will race you to the ground. Thank you for flying Is That The Ground airways and remember, no one has complained about our failed parachutes. My uncle on a holiday flight heard the pilot say: OK, this flight is slightly overbooked, so we are going to ask the passengers to undo their seat belts and just as we are about to take off, jump as high as possible repeatedly until we reach our desired altitude. Getting back down will be faster
“You don’t need a parachute to go parachuting. You need a parachute to go parachuting twice.”
Load More Replies... Flying to Mexico & we land and the pilot says welcome to Jamaica! It was Mexico thankfully lol
On a Vienna - Brussels flight once, and as we were landing the flight attendant comes over the speaker saying "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Dusseldorf"... Cue silence, nervous glances around the plane and then a chuckle and "I apologize for the mix-up ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Brussels".
If you're going on a package holiday and there's a likelihood of ending up in the same resort complex as a lot of the other people on the flight, those that immediately stand up and start getting their bags despite being told not to are a great indicator of who to stay the f**k away from for your entire holiday. Same with people that push forward right to the edge of the baggage collection so no one else can see when their bags are coming. They may as wear a badge saying 'd******d.. avoid at all costs'.
As the plane was coming in for a landing: "Whoa, big fella...whoa..."
“We’ve reached our beautiful destination of Las Vegas, where the local time is…party time!!!” Honest to goodness. And he never said what the actual local time was. It was funny.
Flight announcement from Wyoming to Atlanta. Your Floatation device is under the seat. If it is needed we are WAY off course!
Following the normal instructions about seat belt, oxygen mask, life jacket, exit locations, etc "There is a call attendant button above your seat. Press it once to call. And press it a second time to cancel. If you want to do it over and over, we have a special button up the front just for you".
I'm just SO terrified of flying. It's so serious a phobia that just reading these gave me the chills.
