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50 Funny Posts About The Reality Of Marriage And Parenting Shared By “Marriage And Martinis” (New Posts)
The paradox of being a child is wanting to grow up and be an adult, but once that dream comes true, we dive deeper and deeper into nostalgia, wishing that we were back to being children again. No bills, no responsibilities, free food and board, lots of playtime, and no random colleagues shouting by the coffee machine. That was the life!
As mature and self-aware adults, we choose to express our emotions and experiences through a visual medium, called a meme. Life’s tough! No one prepared us for it, and as we continue to make our way through the quicksand of time, we might as well add in a chuckle. The Instagram page called “Marriage And Martinis” has been helping us do just that.
Bored Panda has featured some delightful content from this page previously, so if you’re curious, feel free to click the link here and have a browse. Otherwise, I invite you to upvote your favorites, leave your thoughts in the comments below, and strap on in for some relatable memes that’ll have you shaking your head in no time.
More info: Instagram
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
Fantastic Mr Fox 2 years ago
Never heard about green flags before. Love it.
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adam harp 2 years ago
This. My wife and I are in our 40s. She's had 4 children. She often feels self conscious about the "sagging" and the "squishiness," mildly upset she doesn't have the body she had when we started dating at 18. I don't even notice what she views as imperfections. She's gorgeous. She's amazing. I'm the luckiest man on Earth because this woman has done all she's done and still keeps me around.
BetterBitterButter 2 years ago
I don't know what to write! I wish there were more people like you.
Kim Lorton 2 years ago
You need to travel the country giving a talk on this subject. I have fallen in love with you and tour heart!!
The fact that nothing is easy in life seems like the worst scam in existence. You’re craving the power that comes with adulthood, and you’re hungry for it to finally be yours! And once it’s there, it feels like you’ve won the lottery but you’re meant to be giving away all your funds to random research bits conducted by squirrels. You’re confused and frustrated—welcome to adulthood!
The two things that make adult life a little bit more interesting are matrimony and alcoholic cocktails. The Instagram page “Marriage And Martinis,” run by Adam and Danielle Silverstein, has become the home of some of the most relatable content and memes, dealing with topics ranging from spousal complaints to sleep deprivation.
RELATED:
#2
Lisa Liston 2 years ago
As an older woman whose family recipes will go with me when I pass, I would contribute to that site! It would be nice to have the thought that my great grandmothers recipes had a home. I have family, but they only want to eat the food - not learn to make it.
Wondering Alice 2 years ago
Please write it down. Don't let them pass. My favourite cook book is a very basic one my grandmother was given by her mother. it has noted all over it by my grandmother, some from her mother and loose notes from my own mother. No one except me wanted the book, it's very dated - but my nephew found it recently and was blown away by the history. He also loves cooking.
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XenoMurph 2 years ago
My grandmother was great, she flew Spitfires in WW2. Delivering planes to the airfields. She was also a racist, "attitudes typical of the time", and hated kids. You did NOT want to ask her opinions on ANYTHING.
Lemon Beans 2 years ago
This is a "you got us in the first half" moment, but on the other end of the scale 😭
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Ela 2 years ago
The nonsense grandpa's who get down on the floor with the babies and cheerfully head off with eight grandkids to go hiking and fishing aren't bad, either. I have watched my own dad turn into a nonsense grandpa. It's great.
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Katie Lutesinger 2 years ago
Especially since some old ladies don't have any grandchildren but still have plenty of wisdom to pass on!
#3
Mihai Mara 2 years ago
That uncle has a strange name, Anxiety Disorder. Bet he was not so popular.
ToGo 2 years ago
I read your comment before your username and thought for sure you were Nathaniel. My god, I visit BP too much.
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Missy Martin 2 years ago
BEST!!! I seriously started telling my therapist I thought I was Asexual or literally broken down there. Like this wonderful lady I was cured once I had access to other men that weren't my jack a** husband. 🤯🤣
Katie Lutesinger 2 years ago
A friend of mine thought she was clinically depressed, but turns out it was her horrible job full of bullying coworkers.
Lesley Zed 2 years ago
That is sooo relatable. Unlike so many women, unfortunately, I never doubted for a second that it was him not me! He’s now under government care for paranoid delusions.
Jake VanWagoner 2 years ago
Literally thought I had epilepsy. Nope. Was just a physical reaction to how my ex wife treated me. Stopped when I moved out.
Garth Bock 2 years ago
A friend of mine broke up with a girl who had an out of control eating disorder... she is now getting help and therapy and is doing better. None of us mention her name in conversations to protect her privacy. We still refer to him dating that Italian chick... Annie Rexia .
Monosyllabic girl 2 years ago
There's a song from the 90s by Silverchair about Ana. Totally reminded me of that
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Mary Daniel 2 years ago
Yes, unhappy relationships can be the catalyst for mental illness. Rid toxic people from your life for a cleansing experience.
Justagggurl 2 years ago
Like someone I know says, "I lost 180 pounds overnight and I feel great!"
“In many ways we really are just an average married couple, but in some ways we are definitely not your typical couple, and we’ve really not tried to be,” Adam and Danielle state on their website. “Laughing at ourselves and the ridiculous expectations placed on us by society as parents and spouses makes this journey so much more enjoyable.”
“I think Adam and I are very in touch with the fact that if we take it all too seriously, we’ll lose so many opportunities for fun, hilarity, and bonding,” Danielle continues. “Marriage and parenting are seriously hard work. But it’s all filled with mistakes and fails that we can either hide in humiliation, or, if we choose, we can share them and know that we’re not alone.”
#4
Trinity Cottrell 2 years ago
Then there's me who's like: "Um, I dunno? You know me, I'm not fussy. So, where do you want to go?" And that's the end of it. If I'm in the mood for something, then I'll voice it, but other than that, food is food.
Brian White 2 years ago
My wife would say her least favorite spot assuming that's what I was planning.
Phobrek Taz 2 years ago
Hm. Hopefully she never guesses a place that requires a reservation. Otherwise this is brilliant!
Paul Scheermeijer 2 years ago
Guess what we are eating tonight... answer: me, is not the correct answer
David 2 years ago
Feels dishonest. I ask. But I do find it easier for folks if you generalize it first. Like, "What kind of food are you in the mood for?" Often someone is in the mood for a genre like Mexican, Chinese, Sushi etc and then you go from there. I will say that most of my eating out is with one or the other of two friends, both have been my friends for over 50 years. So we are pretty frank with each other.
Me 2 years ago
I think that works for most people. But some people are so weirdly uncomfortable saying what they want, even that doesn't work.
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Paul K. Johnson 2 years ago
When I was five or six I would wake up first and wander to the neighbor house. Neighbor lady would set me up with something to do so she could go back to sleep. I remember putting together a leather wallet with the plastic wicking stuff.
BetterBitterButter 2 years ago
My neighbor's kids used to do this with me.They knew my days off and they would just knock at my door at 6! They treated my house like it was their own. Their mother had to feed them at my house as they won't eat at their place.
Load More Replies... Kim Lorton 2 years ago
Absolutely! Many women helping other women with their kids, makes wonderful kids!
Miz Melatonin 2 years ago
It really does take a village to raise a child, prime example right here. Go ahead, change my mind...
#6
Vasha 2 years ago
Double Bonus! You get to feel virtuous twice…first when you save food, then later when you clean up the fridge.
Naimesh Patel 2 years ago
In India we get to feel virtuous thrice... 3rd when we offer that food to mother cow...
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Beeps 2 years ago (edited)
Lol - husband once asked me if he could eat one of the fruits in the fruit bowl I had just put together. I jokingly said: “actually I thought we could just leave it in the bowl until it goes off and then throw the whole thing out...” His response: “well that’s exactly why I asked, because that’s what we usually do!”
Many agree with the fact that laughter bonds people, and as stated by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, it can also act as a vitamin for your marriage, as long as you take it daily with food. Don’t choke though!
Mary Shull, a licensed professional counselor, states that learning to laugh at yourself, as well as how to laugh with others, lightens the load on a relationship weighed down by disagreements. “Life isn’t easy. Sometimes having a good, hearty laugh often lifts the weight of the world,” she says.
However, the type of humor used, as well as the timing of said jokes, is incredibly important to consider. Mary explains that sarcasm is actually hostility masquerading as humor. It can be used as a defense mechanism for an uncomfortable situation and a means to deflect feelings, which then leads to miscommunication and a growing wedge between the partners.
#7
Paul K. Johnson 2 years ago
B******t. I was born in 1962 and my mother taught me everything home-ec. I can cook. I can bake. I can properly wrap a gift. I know how to dust and sweep and vacuum and clean. And it's all because my mother taught me that stuff. And my mother wasn't a "weirdo" for the time.
LK 2 years ago
This is the difference between anecdotal evidence, and collated evidence. Whilst I have no doubt that you have learned to do all of this, as has my brother, and my nephew, it doesn't mean it is standard. Have a look at YouGov American's article about the percentage of men who help prepare for Thanksgiving. https://today.yougov.com/topics/consumer/articles-reports/2020/11/25/thanksgiving-cooking-men-women My husband left home knowing how to wash dishes, and boil an egg. I've taught him how to cook, clean, be a functioning adult. :)
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Phil Green 2 years ago
I learnt how to iron, cook, clean, do the laundry, change nappies (my bother's), bathe babies... I am the man that takes care of my wife when she is ill. She doesn't have to do anything. Together, when she was healthy and able, we renovated a house together, now she has to watch me do it on my own. She worries I am going to leave her, but I love her more than anything on the planet. I tell her this every day. I was brought up to be self-sufficient and to love and support. The above is utter rubbish. I am far from alone.
michael piscopo 2 years ago
yep, you're not alone, I'm in the same predicament. So my mom worked full time when we were in high school - she taught all her boys to do everything. Between her and the military there isn't any task in life I can't accomplish competently from baking a cake to putting a roof on the house. When I got married she told my new bride with a smile "He's completely trained, don't spoil him". That didn't happen, with a family division of labor is necessary. Funniest moment of my life was when I spent a Sunday afternoon watching a game with a friend of mine, which was a rare treat for me. He was fuming because his wife hadn't his laundry done for the upcoming week. I was laughing at him out loud for being such a helpless infant that he couldn't do a load of wash, not to mention there was enough commercial time to accomplish the task as an afterthought. I still live that way to the moment. Thanks mom.
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Chrys Ophaes 2 years ago
My 3 yr old boy would tantrum the heck out of me, if I wouldn't let him help in the kitchen. He actually already said the two of us shall make X-Mas dinner together. :)
tuzdayschild 2 years ago
My sister has 3 sons, all of whom she taught to cook, clean and do proper laundry. She said she refused to send them out into the the world to be some woman's burden.
Jacqueline Pie Francis 2 years ago (edited)
One thing I love about being Italian-American: everyone cooks. The men and women both. And in my family, whoever didn’t cook does the dishes.
Teresa Yeates 2 years ago
It truly depends. If one is old establishment or new generation. If one was raised old establishment, the males live at home until marriage where the wife takes over from the mother. The mother, daughters, are often up and down during meals, getting things like salt, butter, whatever the men request, rather than they get up. Which is fine, if they marry another who was raised old establishment. You clearly are new generation.
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JoMeBee 2 years ago
My son (13) is in charge of the sweet potato casserole (the crumbly pecan topped kind, not the icky marshmallow kind) and cranberry salad. He also makes dinner on his own one to two nights a week. Meatloaf and chicken tenders (dredged in flour, egg, panko and Old Bay) are his specialty! I got a good one!!
Pink_Boba22 2 years ago
I don't celebrate thanksgiving, but at Christmas time it's always my dad who cooks the turkey!
Michael Travis Risner 2 years ago
On the same note, be sure to involve your kids in fixing and repairing things around the house and the car, doing yard work, and painting walls—regardless of their sex or gender.
RandomFrog(He/They️️) 2 years ago
Goddamn. My grandma will be cooking and will go okey girls/mom come and help me, and when none of us want to do it complain and don’t even think to ask our brother or grandpa, or even my dad.
#8
PB Buckeye 2 years ago
Alternative: One person takes out the trash, the other puts the bag in.
Blackstone 2 years ago (edited)
I think that's fair, but only if that's communicated. It's the surprise of opening the unlined bin while holding a dripping eggshell and having no clean hands to grab a liner, that causes the drama.
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Jilltdcatlady 2 years ago
P.S. you have not taken out the trash until you collect the bits and pieces around the house and put those out too!.
Ambry Petersen 2 years ago
Yes because it's horrible to try to put something in the garbage just to realize there is no bag...especially when it's something messy.
Christian Fuller 2 years ago
And here I thought I had to bring the garbage flowers and go to a nice restaurant to take it out...
Well-Dressed Wolf 2 years ago
Plus, for some reason it’s GROSSER to put in a new plastic bag into the bin than it is to tie up the garbage and take it out! I don’t know why, but that’s what my brain tells me! XD
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Garry Cowan 2 years ago
Can someone please show my wife where the bins actually are as I'm almost certain she has no idea and probably thinks bin fairies come every Monday night and magically transport them to the main road using magical fairy dust 😔
Ruth Hempsey 2 years ago
This is my life. Putting stuff from the pantry into the fridge and such because the man knows to wash and recycle a pickle jar but a new one is invisible. The gap in the fridge door is invisible. He's a professional engineer who won awards but otherwise he's about 8.
#9
Bender Bending Rodríguez 2 years ago
Yep. My motto is, Do whatever floats your boat as long as it doesn't sink my.
ChestRockwell24 2 years ago
Agreed. Whatever floats a person's boat, but they don't ever get to demand people or society at large participate in any delusions they might have. For example: if I believe I'm actually Michael Jackson it's fine, but I can't demand you play along and then call you a bigot if you dont.
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Marie Claire Lafreniere 2 years ago
I’ve learned to look at the elderly dressed in fluorescent pink and sh*t and wish I care that little about what other thinks about how crazy I look when I’m that age 😂😂
Mr. Cinder 2 years ago
I've lived my life like this for years. Let your freak flag fly and be happy about it! Never judge someone for the stuff they like, ask them about it! You just might find something new that you like.
Just Jen 2 years ago
"Let your freak flag fly" is one of my favorite sayings!
Load More Replies... Miz Melatonin 2 years ago
Why is this simple thing so difficult for some people? We should all do this more 😊
Senjo Krane 2 years ago
Why would anyone be negative just because someone's doing something uou don't particularly enjoy. I don't get this one. BUT I'm glad you're 😊
Seymour Disapproves 2 years ago
Not really seeing what this has to do with marriage or parenting specifically
Dizz2K7 Gaming 2 years ago
No. Snack the cup out of their hand and stare at them Martin Lutherly.
Cheryl Lohr 2 years ago
And if someone on FB says that the name for a turnip is a swede leave well enough alone. They won't like being told it is a Rutabaga.
Honestly is the best policy, and laughing at your difficulties together also comes with solving issues together. Regardless of how healthy and happy your relationship is, you and your friend or partner are not the same, which will eventually lead to arguments and disagreements. One of the most common tools to wade through these storms is compromise.
Compromising with your loved one doesn’t mean you completely agree with their views or opinions. According to Davina Adcock, it’s healthy to maintain your personal values, beliefs, opinions, and preferences while still meeting halfway. Yet, one must always remember that the sacrifice should be mutual, not one-sided.
One-sided compromise is common in unhealthy relationships where one person does most of the heavy lifting. Over time, this person can be or feel taken advantage of and grow tired, frustrated, or resentful. Furthermore, compromising rarely works when intentions are negative; one should always want the best for one another in a relationship.
#10
Heather 2 years ago
I'll just be over here dying at the comments gettin heated over the gender of imaginary reindeer😂😂
Tasha Bridge 2 years ago
Its fun to read/watch the comments and if your bored look up the author Viola Grace and the book series Operation Reindeer retrieval
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Paul Pallansch 2 years ago
Now we know why Santa spends do much money to get his sleigh in the air – it takes a lot of doe.
Jayne Brown 2 years ago
It occurred to me when travelling in the US that male saints are named San whatever (San Antonio, San Francisco, etc) and female saints are Santa whatever (Santa Barbara, etc). So .. what does that make Santa Claus?
Fantastic Mr Fox 2 years ago (edited)
Maybe you are joking but anyhow it’s a good point. The problem is San and Santa is Spanish language. I looked it up in Merriam-Webster and Santa Claus turns out to be an anglicized version of Dutch “Sinterklaas”. Who would have guessed.
Load More Replies... Angersly 2 years ago
It actually can vary based on location. Reindeer based in Alaska lose theirs by the 25th, but scandinavian Reindeer can actually keep theirs through late December, and castrated Reindeer (the type usually used to pull slays and what not) never lose theirs. So Rudolph is probably a castrati.
Unprofessional Professor 2 years ago
I recall Dancer, Vixen, Cupid, and Blitzen were canonically female.
ChestRockwell24 2 years ago (edited)
No, the magic Male Reindeer that can fly retain their antlers. Womp womp.
Brian Droste 2 years ago
I just learned this recently. And female riendeer loses their antlers in the spring.
#11
FeelingFrisky 2 years ago
I need this so bad right bow but I dont know anyone who cares.
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Luna 2 years ago
Problem is, if you're having a depressive episode, the chances of reaching out to someone to let them know, are close to none, at least for me. Lovely sentiment, nonetheless.
crazy_stupid 2 years ago
Sometimes easier to reach out to someone you don't know Luna.
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Emory White 2 years ago
And Ziggyc, as someone who has attempted sucide, this is so sweet it hurts
Senjo Krane 2 years ago
That's awesome but you have to telepathically know that's what I need because I ain't gonna ask, no way.
#12
Lauren S 2 years ago
Mmm. Bed. Blankets and pillow cocoons. The best! *stupid bladder ruining it…* 😒
An Argonaut 2 years ago
That is the most relatable thing I’ve seen today LOL😁
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LK 2 years ago
I was exhausted last night, and falling asleep in the chair. Unfortunately the act of getting out of the chair, climbing the stairs, and getting ready for bed woke me up, and I remained awake for 4 hours. I was not happy to be in bed awake.
Rens 2 years ago
I have Fibromyalgia and CFS/ME and my bed is (almost) my best friend. It's my warm, safe, comfy,, relatively pain-free place that I don't need to share with anyone except sometimes my cat. I also have the best relationship: my partner of almost 3 years and I live in the same building but not together.
Sonia Ward 2 years ago
Same. But then my husband comes in, says can I join you and starts talking to me.
Pizzagirl 91 2 years ago
Yes, that's hard sometimes (no pun intended). My husband has a very different sleep cycle, and when I'm dead tired, he's wide awake and often in the mood for something besides sleeping or his computer games. That's not sth. you can really change, he's just not tired at 10pm...
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In a healthy relationship, both people ensure they make it easy, safe, and comfortable for the other person to share hard truths with them. Each person should feel able to communicate when a compromise is especially difficult or downright impossible and, as Davina states, compromise isn’t easy nor is it something we’re born knowing to do well.
The best we can do is to try our best and be patient with one another. Adulthood isn’t just about cooking, paying bills, managing finances, and keeping up with laundry. As Murray Bowen observed, adults are able to distinguish between feelings and intellectual processes and actually have the ability to choose between acting upon one or the other.
#13
CrazyKnitter 2 years ago
The hilarious thing is that this is absolutely true, but my husband and I switch up which is which. This time, I'm scrolling BP while he's packing up for us to leave in an hour, but last time, he was prepared and I was scrambling last minute!
Nona Wolf 2 years ago
Variation: One is an excellent money manager... keeps a spreadsheet for expenses, knows their bank balance, plans ahead for home repairs, has had a retirement plan since age 16. The other is my husband.
Gavin Johnson 2 years ago
Me and my partner. She is super organised, I am last minute dot com. She plans the holiday weeks ahead, I look at the route we have to drive when I’m having my last brew before we leave the house. Christmas is three days away, she’s bought everything that she requires, I’m sat looking at BP in my flat, I’ll finish my shopping on Christmas Eve. We make an awesome team but we live apart, my lack of organisation doesn’t rub her up the wrong way and I’m comfortable discussing a one day event in June 2023 with her, just don’t expect me to actually do anything yet 😂😀
Missy Martin 2 years ago
The accuracy actually makes me ill. The second part of the story goes.They now are both as positive as a dead battery.
#14
Nona Wolf 2 years ago
Then they throw salt in the wound with the "When I was your age" speech.
Melissa Matusevich 2 years ago
That's me. Incredibly lucky as you say. And, college was CHEAP. My first semester's tuition was $85! No student loans and a good education.
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Mad Dragon 2 years ago
My dad bought my childhood home for $17,000 in 1976, sold it in 2000 for $250,000, bought a 7-bedroom house for $275,000, and sold it for $450,000 after my mom died in 2018. He also bought Microsoft with his $15,000 bonus in 1997. I will never be as rich as he is, ever.
Connie Knapp 2 years ago
1943, my parents bought their first house in suburban Chicago for a little over $6000. 1981, I graduated from college and bought my very first, USED car for a little over $8000.
Notme 2 years ago
My parents to a tee… born 1945 and 1946, they bought a big house and raised two kids (including private schooling) on one salary. Only my dad had been to university. My husband and I hold a PhD and MA, respectively, and the only way we’ll ever own a house is when our parents die, by which time our kids will probably be late teenagers so what’s the point of buying a big house. The most infuriating thing is how boomers really believe their good luck is due to their hard work.
The Other Other White Meat 2 years ago
The only chance I have at owning a home is inheriting my mom's 🥴 not even sure the retirement is likely. Getting killed by the ocean though? That! 😂
#15
Saggi 2 years ago
How? What? Why? Huh? Am i missing something? How is that the average tho? So some people can have sex twice a week, all year?
Bob La Capra 2 years ago
It would be helpful to know what the average person considers "have sex" to mean.
Cuppa tea? 2 years ago
Here the joke: at some gathering people are who has sex once a day. Few joyfully raised hands. Next : who has sex once a week? More hands raised. Next - once a month? slightly less hands and less joyful. Last - once a year? Only one guy jumps up and starts waiving both hand in almost celebration. He's ask - why are you seems to be so happy about having sex once a year? He answers: Tomorrow, tomorrow!!!
Lexipoo 2 years ago
i’m confused. im also stupid. there must be a correlation…
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Clément D. 2 years ago
Since it's an average, it means someone else out there is having sex 178 times a year? Holy fudge!
Monosyllabic girl 2 years ago
Your number seems more realistic to me than only 89. I'd be an uptight angry person at 7-8x per month!
Load More Replies...As Adam and Danielle Silverstein state, “people will judge no matter what, so you really have to do what is best for you and your spouse, cause in the end, it boils down to the two of you and your connection. No one else can make that happen.”
So, dear readers, continue laughing together with your loved ones, finding joy in the silliness of everyday life. That’s the best we can do to ensure our continuing happiness and feelings of fulfillment. As you continue scrolling through this list, make sure you upvote your favorites, and I shall see you in the next one!
#16
Nicole Weymann 2 years ago (edited)
When a man says he'll do it he will! There's no need to keep nagging him for months on end!
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LK 2 years ago
Nope. 'When you get a chance' means 'when you get a chance'. 'I need help right now' means 'come running', and 'I need help RIGHT NOW!' means running is not quick enough. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. It make communication so much easier. People then know what is expected.
Florence O'Grady 2 years ago
Actual communication, on a regular basis, would probably save a lot of marriages!
Load More Replies... Garth Bock 2 years ago
I told you i would get it done... Geez... You don't have to remind me 6 months later..
Felicia Dale 2 years ago
I’ve had to literally confront my poor husband because he believes this on a cellular level. I do NOT MEAN RIGHT NOW unless it is a real emergency! My requests are almost always for things that can be done when he is not busy!
CanadianaKa 2 years ago
And gender rules aside since doing what your partner asks before you forget is just plain respectful, when your husband says "when you get the chance," go put on your shoes.
#17
arcane_gamer (they/them) 2 years ago
the podcast on the bus goes STAB STAB STAB
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Sue Bradley 2 years ago
Headphones so all can listen to what they want? Also headphones supplied that are all clean, wires not chewed, and no one asking to borrow (ie steal) them :/
G o l d f i s h 2 years ago
oh my gosh! True crime fascinations is a mom thing? I thought it was just my mom! that's interesting! I'm personally too much a scaredy cat for true crime.
David Farrell 2 years ago
I have been informed this something I am going to make happen for her.
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#18
dar Rah 2 years ago
She already came back an hour later AND bought donuts and iced coffee? She didn't use the time very well to take care of herself. I would have sent my wife away again. (Once we would have eaten the donuts.
Accidentacular 2 years ago
I think the point is that she got what she needed. She didn't need a spa day she just needed half an hour of no pressure.
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Sarcastic Nana 2 years ago
What is wrong with her? I would have been gone for at least, at least half of the day! 😊
#19
Jiminy 2 years ago (edited)
I don't think her apologizing for sitting in her seat has anything to do with her being an introvert... I am one and just would put on my headphones and watch a movie in peace. I cannot imagine what I would have to apologize for.
SaneMinotaur (she/her) 2 years ago
She sounds chronically anxious and British!
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Trinity Cottrell 2 years ago
I'm an omnivert. So, in one hand, I avoid socializing wherever I can, but in the other hand, I will talk for hours about a topic that I love with someone who shares my same interest.
Michael Smith 2 years ago
I always score as an introvert on tests but really I just have to have some shared interest to interact with other people and there's a lot of things lots of people like that bore me or put me to sleep and life is too short for that.
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Jesus Ortiz 2 years ago
Some months ago, my wife and I were in a somewhat similar situation. Only it was at a DMV, and the other guy and I talked about 3D printing.
Katharine Humble 2 years ago
Ngl, the husband sounds like my grandmother. She'd get on a plane, sit next to a total stranger, and by the time the plane landed, they'd have been best friends for years and be on each other's Christmas card list.
#20
DancingPanda 2 years ago
My bf does this and started doing this 2 months into us dating, I’m 16 and he’s 17, I’m his first girlfriend, either I got extremely lucky or some people are just very kind and considerate, the first time he did this he ordered tea from some place and asked what I wanted, I said I’ll get something later cause I want bubble tea and I’ll let him have his drink cause I don’t want to spend his money, and just because I thought “I’m having tea later, I won’t get any now” but he saw I was eying a tea with my favorite fruit in it and ordered it for me, and then he bought me bubble tea later (I insisted on paying for dinner cause we both have jobs and I wanted to buy him something since he bought me two teas) god, I hope this lasts, we just celebrated our 6 months and we may be teens but I really hope this lasts, and we’re working and have discussions about it, any advice?
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ChestRockwell24 2 years ago
So he didn't get to eat as much chicken as he had planned or did he make extra for you? I hope it's the latter.
#21
Garth Bock 2 years ago
" I hate housework. You do the dishes, wash the clothes, make the beds, and clean the house..... and 6 months later you have to do it all over again! " - Joan Rivers (RIP)
the Return of Bruno 2 years ago
Want to read something that will make you cry? Read the lyrics to Jolene and then read the lyrics to I Will Always Love You, and imagine them as same character singing both songs on the same day.
Isabel Care 2 years ago
I got a small handheld vacuum that I use for a minute or two and put back on the charger. My big hoover would sit in the room for months after I used it again and again, before I had the strength to put it away in the cupboard (for weeks)
Patti Wagner 2 years ago
Do NOT EVER compare yourself or your life with another person! Instead, celebrate being You!
#22
Mary August 2 years ago (edited)
I love it how the level of "i-don't-give-a-$h;t" goes up and up as you get older.
tw 72 2 years ago
and it goes hand-in-hand with "I am not really concerned whether you like it or not"
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Mam cymraeg 2 years ago
Omg yes I have no idea why people don't like getting older have gone from a timid nervous thing who's terrified of doing anything wrong to no f**ks giving badass barbie
#23
Saggi 2 years ago
Who has time for that s**t? Chuck em all in, and whichever gets stained are too weak to be a part of your wardrobe. Done and dusted.
Well-Dressed Wolf 2 years ago (edited)
Battle Royale in the washer! Only the strong survive!!
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Mihai Mara 2 years ago
i wash whites separate. Although I only have 6 white clothes, so you can imagine I wash whites once in two months or so. The rest of the clothes go together. Lord have mercy on them! And it works just fine. :D
Well-Dressed Wolf 2 years ago
Yeah! I’ve always washed whites separate in a tiny load if they’re important/fancy clothes. I also wash socks and underpants together, separate from my shirts/pants. I don’t know why I do this, I probably don’t have to XD
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Laura Gillette 2 years ago
I think this was more of a thing before color-safe laundry detergent, when detergent would make the color bleed onto white clothes. Now I just separate my laundry in to "can go in the dryer" and "can't go in the dryer."
Annie Bieber 2 years ago
Only thing I separate is lint factor" blankets & towels from clothes so you don't get "pill bugs" as we called, them on everything.
Mam cymraeg 2 years ago
Colour catcher sheets are a life changer never separate your washing ever
SHK 2 years ago
Agreed, I've used these for years and they've saved many garments.
Load More Replies... Margaret H 2 years ago
You will have one disaster when you find your best white dress shirt is a natty shade of tie-dyed pink. Otherwise, you quickly get used to not-so-bright-white shirts.
Eliza Osenbaugh-Stewart 2 years ago
I never separate by color, only fabric (regular load and delicates).
Emmy Dumont 2 years ago
I used to separate everything but I gave up bc of my husband. Turns out it so much easier now!
#24
Lauren S 2 years ago
I have said so many sentences I never knew I would need to say but the amount of times I’ve had to say “Dont lick that” is astounding. Most common is don’t lick the floor (typically in public), but other family favorites are don’t lick the slide at the playground, the bottom of so and so’s shoe, the door handle, the edge of the restaurant table, my toes… no idea why my son got sick so often as a toddler.
Katy McMouse 2 years ago
My kids finally outgrew this stage and you'd think I was done with having to say "don't lick that", but then the dog was brought into our life and at this point, I think I'll go to my grave, weakly rasping "stop licking that".
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VikingAbroad 2 years ago
I don't have kids, but having pets make you say strange things, too. No, we don't eat that. Stop chewing on me. Who peed in the corner? Where are all he treats? No, you don't eat your sisters ear. Who's a sweet kitten? (foster mom to four kittens right now).
James Heinle 2 years ago (edited)
I was living with a girl who had no idea on how to train a dog. My neighbors would always hear her yelling things like, "Stop licking me" or "Get your nose out of there." I got quite a reputation among the neighbors.
Load More Replies... Pizzagirl 91 2 years ago
You can NEVER know what you're getting into. Firstly, nobody is actually honest with you, it's either "having children is the DREAM", or "having children is HELL". Secondly, you always expect to get an "average" to "good" child, that's just what you expect because it's "normal" - nobody realises that it might as well be twins, or triplets, or children with special needs, or simply a child that is the absolute opposite to you in every way, shape and form. Thirdly, this is one of those things that you don't know until you've experienced it - having nieces or nephews is not the same, having stepchildren is not QUITE the same, reading about it all is not the same, your parents experience is not the same. People who say you knew what you were getting into obviously have either never had children, or they have forgotten what it was like before they had them.
Carol Emory 2 years ago
Or the lady that said the whole time she thought about being a parent, she never thought she'd have the awkwardness of yelling in front of the neighbors for her 4yo to stop licking the driveway.
the Return of Bruno 2 years ago
Cat licks people's feet: "Awwww." Kid licks people's feet: "What is wrong with you?" Kid learns to meow before licking people's feet: " ... "
Patti Wagner 2 years ago
Unfortunately, kids do not come with an instruction manual, and contrary to what Dr Spock says, since every child is different you can't raise all of them the same way. I am the mother of 6 children, each one their own unique person, and though I basically raised them all with Love, Moral standards, and as Humans, I learned through Trial and Error how to be the best parent I could be to 6 uniquely different children who turned out to be well-rounded, decent, law-abiding, and productive members of Society.
MaggieWest 2 years ago
I'm out of the "Don't lick the floor" stage and onto the "Don't vacuum up wads of tissue" phase!
#25
Gina Babe 2 years ago
I'll ask my husband while he is still sitting, "since you're up, can you grab me a drink?"
Mark Cleary 2 years ago
We've(wife, daughter, myself) started recently saying " could you hand me my(fill in the blank) . When in actuality the thing they want is in another room entirely, OR, their water they've asked for is still in the jug.... In the fridge..... In the other room ! Lots of fun is had by all 😊
Load More Replies... Bob La Capra 2 years ago
Many people have just learned to not read the text until you get back to the couch
3 Owls In A Coat 2 years ago
I was just thinking that too, everyone’s laughing at this but isn’t it a ripoff of that other person’s chips joke?
Load More Replies... Georgie Montague 2 years ago
I just say to my husband "Honey......?" and he replies "Ah, you would like a cup.of tea - I'm on to it" and he hops up to make it. Bless him!
#26
Saggi 2 years ago
F**k yes, i can vouch for this. I have been doing this for the last 5 years.
michael piscopo 2 years ago
My wife has been there for decades. She's immovable right about now.
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the Return of Bruno 2 years ago
Living in DC, it took me far too long to figure out what "Fed girl summer" had to do with the rest of the paragraph. "Oh, a girl who has eaten sufficiently!"
Ambry Petersen 2 years ago
After two children as long as I'm in my healthy weight range I'm good. I don't care how many stretch marks or scars I got or the permanent pudge. In fact those things ensure that other people leave me the heck alone. ( My hubby is fine with how I look so who cares about anyone else.
The Other Other White Meat 2 years ago
My hot girl summer dreams ended years ago, and I've never looked back!
Well-Dressed Wolf 2 years ago (edited)
How about “Stop telling me that the reason my foot hurts is because ‘Well, you’re the heaviest you’ve ever been’ summer. “ …yeah, we have things to work out in our relationship… XD
Celtic Pirate Queen 2 years ago
I gave up on that YEARS ago. I'd rather have that extra 15 pounds and enjoy eating good food instead of weighing my kale like some freak.
#27
Well-Dressed Wolf 2 years ago
I listened to 20 years of complaints about how bad I snore. Boyfriend even made me use my CPAP machine to help with my sleep apnea because I snore so badly. HIS snoring and sleep apnea is 10 times worse than mine, but he won’t use a CPAP, see a doctor about it, or do anything about it. I have to sleep on the literal opposite end of the house from him. And he says he “misses me” at night. Sorry, buddy, I like to actually be able to sleep!
Mary Jeffries 2 years ago
Sleep apnea isn’t just feeling tired and snoring. It can lead to all kinds of problems long term. If you or someone you really do care about snores, get it checked out.
michael piscopo 2 years ago
My wife snored mildly when we were younger, just a bit of a bother. One night on vacation at the ocean with the sliders open her snoring was in perfect synchrony with the waves crashing and that's how I fell asleep. That put me to sleep for years, until she got a CPAP machine that ruined my nights. She has her own room now.
Kim Lorton 2 years ago
Yeah yeah.. at least it didn't chase you from the room! Before cpap, my husband could be heard snoring even after you moved downstairs to the couch to try and sleep. I would've gone into the half basement that was almost a bed room? But i am afraid things would crawl on me as I slept on the cot! In our sleeping history it is life before Cpap and life after Cpap . Life after was sooo much better after i could stop him from taking it off in the middle of the night!
Isabel Care 2 years ago
Snore stop pillow. Hold it tightly over the snorer's face until they stop breathing. No breathing = no snoring. Fill the jury with those living with snorers and they will say "Not guilty"
#28
XenoMurph 2 years ago (edited)
"Excuse me can you help me with...." "You hold a grey basket. You have chosen. Be gone!"
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Mrs Irish Mom 2 years ago
What happens if you need both and carry each colour on each arm 🤷♀️
Celtic Pirate Queen 2 years ago
Everyplace should do that! Half the time I feel like I'm being stalked.
Annlyn Ouzts 2 years ago
Who can afford to fill a basket at Sephoro? They are manipulating people into overshopping. Em, not!
#29
Bobert Robertson 2 years ago
This is funny....but you'll never catch me referring to my wife as "the wife"
Marilee Napier 2 years ago
I feel your pain. I just got my husband a heated blanket and I have hot flashes. We will never cuddle again.
Shelby Moonheart 2 years ago
My husband's grandmother crocheted him a huge blanket. It is so heavy, I don't need to buy a weighted blanket.
Loonie Toonie 2 years ago
So you mean if I just put this on my bedroom door people will leave me alone?
david garcia 2 years ago
Disagree, "The Wife" because she is the one and only. No others out there.
#30
Lauren S 2 years ago
Yup. Literally every important place has “call dad first” because he’s the one who will pick up the phone. Email? Me, I got that covered.
Trophy Husband 2 years ago
My number is like 7th on the school's forms, below grandparents and neighbor. Two of my wife's numbers are the top two. If the teachers want me, they need to email.
Wondering Alice 2 years ago
It's sad but true. Lots of times I ask kids to text mums to ask them to pick up the phone, the school is phoning. If they have a second contact of grandparents, these are not so bad though.
Alexa Saltz 2 years ago
I would not allow teachers to use me to threaten my children. If the school had to call me, it better have been necessary. Knowing this, my kids would volunteer all numbers to contact.
Jonnathan Poirier 2 years ago
Legit can't stand this it's a 2 minute call it won't kill you to answer
#31
parmadillo 2 years ago
May we request to burn extra bras along with our corpses?
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Thanatos Charles 2 years ago
I once overheard my neighbour telling his kids "do you want me to call the lady next door to come teach you some darn manners?" his kids responded *oh no please don't we will tidy up"
Helena 2 years ago
From the tone of the post I'm assuming she'd rather you burn it in effigy.
Load More Replies... Kim Lorton 2 years ago
Cremate me on a funeral pyre made up of thousands of donated bras from fellow women!
PurplePeopleEater 2 years ago
Understood. We w a bra. Also we w all of your remaining money withdrawn and converted to gold.
Monosyllabic girl 2 years ago
I'm the opposite, please remember the bra! I despise every minute in the shower without it...i will shriek from beyond if they forget one!
MoMcB 2 years ago
Yep, don't want to be on view with my boobs under my arms!
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Headless Roach 2 years ago
Kindergartener late to school... Makes you wonder how long was the walk uphill in deep snow that the kid managed to age on the way?
GenXandEarnedItAll 2 years ago (edited)
Yes, the new "walk of shame" is running in the school office with your child to sign them while still wearing your PJ'S and haven't brushed your hair.
#33
ravina nimje 2 years ago
That's hurtful. I am an adult and even I agree to put shoes on. I am in bed.
CGZ 2 years ago
Every time you tell someone "that's hurtful" Santa murders another unicorn.
Load More Replies... Keller Worthen 2 years ago
I'm disappointed that they didn't even use his name
Load More Replies... the Return of Bruno 2 years ago (edited)
I never could lie to my kid. We would make up all kinds of stories about everything from velociraptors to ewoks. (The ewoks were more fierce.) EVERYTHING in the house talked. (Because of Mel Blanc's affect on my childhood, even the oven mitts have a Brooklyn Jewish accent.) I had fun talking about Santa Claus, I just never tried to insist that he was any more real than the water park the velociraptors designed in our back yard. (That was his idea.) Or the poodle carcasses the velociraptors would fling in through the moon roof because they felt sorry for me skipping breakfast. (I might mention that NOT stifling a little boy's creativity is rarely all sunshine and roses, but it is funny if you can deal with gross-out humor.)
XenoMurph 2 years ago
My daughter is 14, Rule number 1: "I will never lie to you". Never lied to her, no Santa, no Tooth Fairy, no Bogey man. She trusts me. Doesn't always agree with me, but trusts me.
Pink_Boba22 2 years ago
It was heartbreaking to me when I learnt the truth. But those years when I did believe in Santa were so magical.
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PotatoPanda 2 years ago
*loads candy cane blaster* I'm sorry sparklefluff you gotta be put down
Load More Replies... Trophy Husband 2 years ago
I don't lie. "Is Santa real?" "Well, I've never seen him, but your mom said he was." "What about the water bunny?" "Why would he leave out eggs if he wasn't?"
Pizzagirl 91 2 years ago
Yes, dancing around the truth is very useful when your (in my case step-) child's other parent (in our case the mother) tells her stuff about Santa and Ghosts etc. and you can't call HER a liar (even though she is, unrelatedly), but won't lie to the child. Or simply silence, is what works sometimes.
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AnonymousApple 2 years ago
Y'know, now that I really think about it, I don't lie to my kids very often at all. I definitely don't use it as a way to manipulate their behavior. I've always been kind of grossed out by that aspect of Santa, so we just never did Santa. I honestly think it works better to make consequences logical and realistic from the get-go. My kids tend to cooperate better when they understand WHY I'm asking them to do something, as in the real reason (and yeah, I get it's an age-dependant thing, but you'd be surprised how young they'll start responding to sh*t that just makes sense).
Evi Grimes 2 years ago
My kids stopped believing on their own. My first told me he thinks Santa sounds too stupid to be real, my second asked me to level with him, and by the time my third was old enough, we had ditched Christmas in favor of Yule, which is way more fun to celebrate (and we get all the discounts because it's after Xmas). So win-win. I really don't lie to my kids, even about chaotic stuff. They know what's going on all the time and even help brainstorm us out of troublesome times. I love my kids, they're awesome.
#34
Paul C. 2 years ago
My lovely wife has done this to me and has had a conversation in her head, to the point were she is unhappy with my response, before I've even been made aware of the "conversation". I'm like, "but, I, what, who, how, why,.......I'm sorry". It is quite funny but also a little scary.
Daniel Atkins 2 years ago
And then they pick up a conversation I though was over many minutes ago Right after I caught up on what she was saying currently.
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Emily 2 years ago
My husband thinks I do this, but what actually happens is I start talking to him and his brain's white noise machine doesn't convert me from Charlie Brown teacher to English until halfway through the conversation 🙄
Violet Jensen 2 years ago
I have ADHD and autism and I LITERALLY hear Charlie Brown teacher noises when people randomly say something to me and get mad when I ask them to say it again and say I don’t listen
Load More Replies... King Joffrey 2 years ago
I do this to my wife as well. The strange thing is she mostly gets what I was trying to say...
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Margaret Gadbois 2 years ago
I have conversations "with my fiancé," but is just me having a conversation with myself out loud, and then answering his part in a deeper voice. I do this in front of him. He has told me multiple times that what I respond in "his voice" is pretty much what he would say. We've been together 16 years.
Karen Philpott 2 years ago
No, that's my husband! He'll start that conversation in his head, work out how he thinks I'll react, then brings me in somewhere. I'll usually start with 'how much of this have I not actually been here for?'
Wondering Alice 2 years ago
My husband does this - he says a bunch of stuff clearly half way through conversation then Waits for response. I'm still waiting for a noun.
#35
the Return of Bruno 2 years ago
The doctor said I needed to consume more greens. Creme de menthe is green. For all I know, so is whatever is in this little green bottle.
Tim Crowhurst 2 years ago
Absinthe is usually green - hence its nickname of the "green fairy".
Load More Replies... Carol Emory 2 years ago
My husband and I were in an Asian mart that carried Asahi beer from Japan...but in little 8oz cans. He pointed to it and said "Why aren't they serving those with Happy Meals?!?"
AnonymousApple 2 years ago (edited)
Hells yes. I hate living in a state that's so stupidly puritanical they won't sell liquor in grocery stores or on Sundays.
#36
Bobby 2 years ago
Sometimes we all just need to vent about our partner. Get the petty annoyances out before they fester and turn into something bad
CrazyKnitter 2 years ago
So true. Sometimes just being able to vent about it makes working through the feelings so much better. Doesn't mean you love them any less, or are actually really upset about that super small thing that bugged you for some reason. We all need a friend who is willing to listen but understand that just because all we say is negative may mean that they're a good listener and good friend, not that the partner is terrible. I hope that makes sense, I'm exhausted. Holidays are so stressful!
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Charles Barrow 2 years ago
That's why I vent to his mum she knows I love him and won't bad mouth him... Though will bring up his father's similar behaviours.
#37
crowspectre (he/they) 2 years ago
I mean it's usually a breeze to explain it so I see nothing wrong
Load More Replies... Mihai Mara 2 years ago
Lesson to be learned: don't eat beans before a planned social event cause it might get too windy.
Marla 2 years ago
My theories (which I'll never speak aloud) of how you became headless constantly evolve based off your comments. I never want the truth
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Joshua Moore 2 years ago
So this is a legit reason? I've had dates cancel on me for this reason. "Because it is windy" I just remember thinking "Are we on our way to see the Wizard, or walking a tightrope between skyscrapers? Aren't we just going to get dinner?" I hate people. 🙄🙄🤦🤦
RCCampos 2 years ago
Some neurodivergent ppl can be very sensitive to wind. I'm one of them. It really sucks but 🤷♀️
Load More Replies... Pizzagirl 91 2 years ago
No joke, this could have been my mother. She has trigeminal neuralgia (pains in her face from an old operation), and the pain gets VERY bad when her face gets cold, especially when it's windy. Unfortunately, she lives by the sea, and she often has to cover her lower face in scarves etc. to keep from hurting for days...
#38
My O My 2 years ago
Ummm, I, ummm, got a question. What are muumuus in this case? Sincerely, a german
Margaret H 2 years ago
It's a type of long, loose-fitting dress. It was popular in the 70s because you can hide a multitude of sins (and stretch marks) under there.
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Garth Bock 2 years ago
And if your mother gets out of line.... Shady Pines Ma.... Shady Pines !
the Return of Bruno 2 years ago
Muumuus? The Golden Girls? They were WAAAAAAAY to vain for muumuus. Silk night-robes and sweaters that would win ANY Christmastime contest.
#39
Bobby 2 years ago
I'm always the one that has to get up early and take the kids to school in the mornings cause my wife works out of town 4-5 days a week. The first time she got home early and told me to go back to sleep, she was taking the kids to school that day may have been the sexiest words I've ever heard
Sarcastic Nana 2 years ago
My hubby thinks it's too early to be drinking...so I'll be making my own mimosas 🥂
#40
SaneMinotaur (she/her) 2 years ago
Yes; it is always worth putting your mental and physical health first; you can't pour from an empty cup!
Mrs Irish Mom 2 years ago
Yeah a Me day is a must every now and then, breakie in bed, no cleaning, watch netflix, eat chocolate and take a mid day nap 😍
#41
Phil Green 2 years ago
I do wish meme-makers learned to speak/write the languages they pilfer to make something funny... "there, they're, their"... "bought, brought".... waa laaa = voila! It's French, it's not difficult! I am going to lie down now... ;-)
dar Rah 2 years ago
Oh god. I didn't even realize that's what she wanted to write. Now I have second -hand embarrassment.
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Pudgy Panda 2 years ago
My husband pays attention so I’d never be able to pull this off. Fortunately for me, he’s the cook, so we get to eat out a lot 😁
Eunisha Emerson 2 years ago
That's brilliant- but try getting then from Raise, then you may get them for a discount. I check there first everytime.
#42
SCamp 2 years ago
Oh yeh. Same conversation as ‘You know NAME, I told you about NAME yesterday!’ ‘Ohhhhh yeehhhhh, riiiight NAAAAME, uh huh …’ 🤔
Pizzagirl 91 2 years ago
To be fair, I (wife) have that, too, because I for the life of me can't remember names if I haven't interacted with those people yet. There are vague memories about a name that has been mentioned before, but those are usually wrong.
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#43
#44
Bob La Capra 2 years ago
That's because birds are notorious for loudly bragging when they cut one
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Jo Davies 2 years ago
Mine wakes up, sits up and tries to talk himself out of going to the bathroom for 5 minutes? Outloud. Goes to bathroom. Comes back with a glass of water and a packet of crisps. Opens packet as loud as possible and eat 2. Knocks over water. Swears. Cleans up mess while telling himself off. Eats another crisp which needs to noisily taken from the very bottom of the bag. Flops down. Switches on YouTube with no earbuds. Turns to me and asks why I am awake at 3am.
Chris Jones 2 years ago
I would suggest separate rooms but I fear it won't be far enough, separate houses may be required for a good night's sleep!!
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Pizzagirl 91 2 years ago
My twins (almost 2) have mastered the art of silently getting out of bed, opening their door, walking along the hallway, and then creepily rattling our bedroom door open! We've got a baby monitor, but they move too quietly for that, it's like paranormal activity, only I'm getting heart attacks from these jump scares!
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Jill Bussey 2 years ago
I can hear the cat rejoicing because he's caught a mouse and I have to get up and rescue it before it takes up residence under the freezer.
Autumn Rose 2 years ago
I’m sure my youngest child is still attached to me by her umbilical cord. Every now and then when she feels sad or just wants her mumma she gives it a tug.
#45
Garth Bock 2 years ago
My wife wanted a cat and I didn't... I stood up to her !.. and we got a cat.
Seanette Blaylock 2 years ago
Sounds like you were outvoted by your wife and the cat. :)
Load More Replies... ravina nimje 2 years ago
Just click on what's hot in netflix. Start playing first thing. And keep scrolling in phone.
Karen Philpott 2 years ago
It's called looking after yourself. If you don't, then others might not.
#46
Pizzagirl 91 2 years ago
Anyone else who HAS to wear (short) leggings under skirts when it's hot? My legs rub each other raw when they're sweaty and I walk a lot, and it's been like that forever, through thick and thin!
Lana Jig-maker 2 years ago
See me in a dress, it is because I haven't done laundry yet, and I only have my nicer clothes left
#47
the Return of Bruno 2 years ago
Three times I've compared having cats to having kids already, but I gotta say on this one, the cats win. Cats can materialize through locked doors with hampers stacked in front of them to demand attention whenever you sit on the can.
Load More Replies... Pizzagirl 91 2 years ago
We've had to put away all room keys, since my stepdaughter (then 3) tried to turn the bathroom key and got it jammed so bad it took me (on the same side of the door) over a quarter of an hour to get the door open again. Now the rule is simple: no keys in the doors while there are toddlers in the house, and if the bathroom isn't occupied, the door is left open (especially since our cat's toilet is in there, too).
Load More Replies... Celtic Pirate Queen 2 years ago
I don't know why parents have such a hard time locking the door? Get a hook & eye up high if you have to. Geez.
Karen Philpott 2 years ago
Next time 'please take ST out to the playground for and hour or so so I can get a shower in peace'.
#48
Lauren S 2 years ago
I’m the “oh,” celeb of the day, a former steeler who’s name I forget but apparently he went to Penn State and there was a celebration in 2 days for something major. It sounded sad. 🙁
Katy McMouse 2 years ago
Franco Harris. Yeah, my husband's mourning, as well.
Load More Replies... Chris Jones 2 years ago
Me too. Then all too often the poor sod dies within the next days... beginning to get worried about that!
Load More Replies... Ambry Petersen 2 years ago
Neither me nor my husband pay attention to any of that. Others are like oh this actor or athlete just died and we are both like...huh? Who's that?
Phil Green 2 years ago
That's me telling my wife so-and-so just died and he's two years younger than me! I find myself ticking off the heroes on my personal list as they all, sadly, pass away, leaving only me to mark the years! It gets worse each year! :-)
Auntriarch 2 years ago
And if the deceased celebrity is the same age as one of us, we have to say "that's not very old!"
Hypoxia Smurf 2 years ago
We sit side-by-side on the recliner sofa, laptops surging, both reading the latest news. We know which celebs died but don't care, so we feel no need to mention. Easy.
DuchessDegu 2 years ago
My partner: Guess who died? Me: I have no idea P: oh you know, whatshisname from that movie with the blonde woman in a city in America. Or France. No no, definitely in Australia. Or New Zealand. You know him! Me: ... P: Yes, John something. He was once on a radio show in the 70s. Peter John Smith Thingamibob! No no no he was a football player actually. Me: still noooooo clue! P: Godsake just Google it Me: *googles who died today* This one? Cricket player in the 40s? P: That's it! Me: Oh
#49
YetAnotherSarah 2 years ago
That's me walking through the halls with my boss at work early yesterday morning. "I swear, if Jerry and Dave keep that up, I'ma start breaking m*****f*****s' fingers.—🎶 Morning, Greg!— If fingers don't work, I'll move on to whole-a*s arms."
Gini Sarver 2 years ago
my neighbors have probably heard me ranting when i’ve seen my husband or one my daughters wearing a 🧦 with a hole in it…. no reason for that 💩 and my family won’t be walking around with holey 🧦s
Evi Grimes 2 years ago
I put a mini laundry basket under the coffee table because everyone leAVES THEIR FREAKING SOcks on the gods DAMNED FLOOR and guess what? They still leAVE THEM ON THE FLOOR
Robert Trebor 2 years ago
Look for the lost socks in their tube below the tube for lost cat toys in the street right underneath sewers and the electric lines.
Hollerfloozy 2 years ago
Its usually us hollering from one end of the house to the other. Some shady sh&t goin down in the cat food corner.
#50
Lauren S 2 years ago
Hey, don’t downvote Paul you guys. He’s the one that talked about all the gender role busting things his mom taught him growing up. At worst, he’s irritated to see jokes being made about men not contributing when he is likely an equal in his relationships. Don’t get someone like this banned. Paul, you have more skills than I do and that’s wonderful! Good for you.
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Ambry Petersen 2 years ago
Or call them to arrange thier holiday visits. However he did have to remove the spiders, pack heavy objects and vacuum the floor.
#51
CaptainDinosaur 2 years ago
I had to explain to my kid the other day that when I was his age, people left the house and were just.... gone.
PolymathNecromancer 2 years ago
I am scared of the phone, for sure. The only useful tidbit is that I can now see who is calling and decide whether to navigate now a conversation I am unprepared for or put it off and draw out the agony with a slim chance of a better outcome. Bonus: after many years of only a cell phone, I live in a place where the cell service is weak and have put back into service all my rotary phones and *have given the number to only people I want to talk to* What an amazing chance to rewrite the narrative! I think it's working :-) now I only fear something I actually have some control over!
Load More Replies... Annie Bieber 2 years ago
Looking for a pay phone because your boss sent an ASAP message to your pager.
michael piscopo 2 years ago
having a walkie talkie kit as a kid was so cool. Now I have a cell phone and it's sheer joy to call anyone anytime....
#52
the Return of Bruno 2 years ago
Age 52: "I can't hear you from the kitchen with a frying pan, a fume hood and a dishwasher! If you need to tell me something, get in here NOW!"
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#53
the Return of Bruno 2 years ago
"It's Arizona in May, but we could want to see the mountains, and you never know with mountains..."
Load More Replies... #54
Deborah B 2 years ago
I think you are missing the point - and the inherent toxic exceptionalism. They are not the "most" special and amazing person ever. Teach them that they ARE a special and amazing person, AND so is everyone else. That you love them and appreciate them most of everyone ever, and everyone else also wants to be loved and appreciated for who they are too.
the Return of Bruno 2 years ago
Insane fact: Galileo was wrong in the most unimaginably spectacular way. Due to the bizarre ramifications of relativity, wherever you are is precisely the exact center of the universe. Just by getting up and walking into the kitchen, your totally unimpressive speed warped time and space enough that the kitchen is now the exact center of the universe. The Church wasn't wrong so much as it couldn't begin to fathom the entire truth. Even today, a century after Einstein, physicists, knowing full well the corollaries of relativity, casually deny that they're in the center of the universe simply because it's too weird and wonderful to come to terms with.
King Joffrey 2 years ago
I won't pretend I understood what you were trying to say but have an upvote.
Load More Replies... #55
Auntie Bear 2 years ago
Don't make eye contact and back away slowly, don't make any sudden moves and try to keep the focus off of yourself. In the event she notices your retreat and gives chase, RUN! Run as fast as you can. It's every man for himself. Do not try to save the children, it's too late.
PolymathNecromancer 2 years ago
I behave this way often. And my partner of 17 years has started to behave similarly. This is now a tool to scare away others and I suggest you just allow yourself to be assimilated.
Margaret H 2 years ago
Run! You're about to have one of the strangest meals in your life and find your wardrobe overrun with new shoes.
#56
Jacqueline Pie Francis 2 years ago
Yes!! I always tell young parents this. My daughter is in college and honestly I just love the time we spend together even more. We go to museums, we go to dinner, we binge watch Bob’s Burgers….it’s really wonderful.
Couldnt_find_a_decent_name 2 years ago
I do this with my mom! My friends think my relationship with my mom is a bit weird, but she has me young so we’re closer in age than some of my friends, so maybe that affects it. Idk, it seems normal to me
Mila Preradović 2 years ago
My 8yo chose to watch "Friends: Reunion" the other day when she was home alone. Afterwards she asked are the actors still alive.😁
Argle Bargle 2 years ago (edited)
Today I got asked to go snorkelling by my teen, and just kept pinching myself that we're there together swimming over rays and through schools of fish and sticking starfish on our heads and being dorks together
#57
Nat of Clan P 2 years ago
I always know who's on the staircase. Myy 11 year old son is way louder than my husband.
crowspectre (he/they) 2 years ago
I skip most of the stairs bc I can swing myself down in the railings. No, I'm not dead yet
Gavin Johnson 2 years ago
Pfff. I could tell you which member of the family was turning into the end of our road by the sound of their engine / driving style, the end if the road was 100yds away and around a bend. If it was Dad, put the kettle on, cup of tea required, if it was Mum, pour a sparkling water, if it’s my brother, nothing, maybe turn up the Metallica / Rammstein just to upset his delicate, lightweight indie ears 😂 I ain’t making him a brew 😀
#58
Nona Wolf 2 years ago
Married, Year 1 - Him: "Can I bring you a cup of tea?" Married, Year 5 - Him: "Can you at least give me a handy?"
Cathy 2 years ago
Real sailors be sailing the red sea too bro. (Dutch saying 😏)
Load More Replies... Nicole Weymann 2 years ago
Well, someone has to do it. Wanna share the chore? Just come here and I'll help you bleed.
Well-Dressed Wolf 2 years ago (edited)
As if the “ugh, again?” aspect isn’t 100 times worse for the one having the period…
ShaZam Beaubien 2 years ago
when I read this post, I think of "Todd" in National Lampoon's Christmas Story.
#59
PolymathNecromancer 2 years ago
Me too <3 my native tongue: fuuck and dude, the two most versatile words in English!!!
Load More Replies... LK 2 years ago
I really dislike being around people who swear a lot. I love hearing extensive vocabularies instead.
PolymathNecromancer 2 years ago
I do both and it confounds, confuses, stymies, and disarms; and generally obfuscates the fuuck out of anyone's attempt to stop me
Load More Replies... #60
Auntie Bear 2 years ago
I'd also like to invite the amazing customer service reps I've met at their jobs along the way.
#61
#62
Jojo 2 years ago
...while using all your willpower to not speak a word as to not discourage his future attempts
King Joffrey 2 years ago
Clever thinking. When I get criticised for doing chores/projects my way, I immediately go into "clearly you know how to do this better so go ahead and do it" mode.
Load More Replies... Headless Roach 2 years ago (edited)
Well, you gotta supervise a precious project you've been waiting 17 months for.
#64
Vinchenski 2 years ago
As soon as I realised that I was being tricked, I'd end up emptying the shelves of both maxi-pads and tampons, and my SO would then have to deal with where on earth she is going to store 750 tampons and 750 maxi-pads... The war will be extended by 5 years, and many lives will be lost... But I will not lose!! Muahahaha.
madbakes 2 years ago
I think you'd lose as soon as you went to the checkout
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#65
PolymathNecromancer 2 years ago (edited)
As a male in the position you describe, I approve of being on the receiving end of such a thing
#67
Bobby 2 years ago
That just reminded me of my wife hating me when she was pregnant because anything with a strong smell was disgusting to her. I had to avoid using garlic and vinegar and hot peppers in any cooking(all things that i love). Wasn't too bad, but she could smell those things in my breath from like a mile away so I couldn't even enjoy somewhere else then come home
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#69
Argle Bargle 2 years ago
And you ring your parents on the payphone to let them know you're going to be late
the Return of Bruno 2 years ago
And then you realize you have no quarters, so you place a collect call to "Ima Gonnabelatii," who somehow is NEVER home.
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SaneMinotaur (she/her) 2 years ago
My folks are just the same with my daughter as they were with me; the only difference is that my daughter doesn't pick up on my mum's passive aggressive b******t, and my mum can't STAND it :D
#72
#73
#76
indiecognition 2 years ago
Google "personal dictionary" and add f**k, s**t, a*s, and all your other loved ones
Al Jameson 2 years ago
Yeah, I'm not sure how finding a stupid way to solve an easily solvable problem gives anybody hope for the future.
Load More Replies... Annie Bieber 2 years ago
Is it bad my Autocorrect has seen these words so many times it comes up by itself?😈
#78
roses are red 2 years ago
Forget the most important one. Which way does the toilet paper go on the holder
the Return of Bruno 2 years ago
You will never be temperature compatible. There are biological reasons why men like it cooler than women. They're the same reasons that men have external testes.
Nat of Clan P 2 years ago
Temperature compatible is a big one. I'm always cold and and my husband is always hot. He warms me up and I cool him down. It was meant to be :)
#79
Jill Bussey 2 years ago
I can't do a zip in the back of a jump suit, so that's out. I don't wear one if I know I will have to use a public bathroom, because it all falls on to the floor and ..... yuck.
#81
PolymathNecromancer 2 years ago
I do this constantly and I'm NOT a parent....... God bless you all
Puffball973 2 years ago (edited)
I've started learning German. Now I'm taking a vacation for who knows how long. Learning German is stressful.
#82
Argle Bargle 2 years ago (edited)
But keep a little of the good stuff! Especially cards and personal messages
#83
My O My 2 years ago
Only 6 hours of bed time for me then. For two kids. That doesn't sound like a good deal
SCamp 2 years ago
My wife had a sum total of about 1 hour labour over 3 kids. I am not joking. Other women have wanted to kill her.
michael piscopo 2 years ago
mine turned red in the face once or twice during an all natural delivery that took 45 minutes. The delivery floor sounded like an insane asylum with all the screaming, so a couple of the nurses were taking their break in our room to watch the silent miracle, one left half a tuna grinder for my wife to eat after the delivery, 'You'll be all set in a minute or two". So I go home, she calls me two hours later "Come get me, I'm not sleeping here tonight' and sure enough she leaves AMA.
Load More Replies... Vinchenski 2 years ago
My SO would be in bed for approximately 5 days then... Went into labour on the Monday, little man came out on the Friday... That was a rough week! All made better by her being on Gas & Air though :')
Vinchenski 2 years ago
Second little man was only 3 days. Are we amalgamating these?
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Spannidandoolar 2 years ago
This is exactly what I thought when I read it!
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Jill Rhodry 2 years ago
Correct - because I know that I'll be back to clean it as soon as I've finished - you will be nowhere to be found if you mess the kitchen so I'll still be the one to clean it.
Geoffrey Scott 2 years ago
Me: Hey I cleaned the bathroom to give you a break. Wife: Great! Except, I do it like this. 1 month later..."you NEVER help around here"
#85
Terry Tobias 2 years ago
I hate to shop and the last thing that I want to do after getting home from the grocery store is to cook myself dinner. I always get a chicken caesar salad, have some wine, and congratulate myself for accomplishing something that day.
#86
#87
Auntie Bear 2 years ago
Pro tip: Bring your own. I'm allergic to most laundry soaps including the hypoallergenic stuff the hospitals use. I've brought my own nightshirts and sheets when I've had surgery and they've never refused them.
DragonflyGreen 2 years ago
They don't use any chemicals to clean them due to the potential for the baby being allergic. Much like scratchy hotel towels. They are hypoallergenic on purpose.
ShaZam Beaubien 2 years ago
Yes! I've always thought this ... scratchy material and a new design is needed ... how about pink and blue polka-dots?
#88
Bobby 2 years ago
I had to tell my oldest to stop doing that. I was like new house rule. If i say a time within 10 minutes of the actual time then we'll just go ahead and not correct it. Also if I say we're leaving at 530 that could mean any time between 530 and however long it takes me to remember where I put the keys
PolymathNecromancer 2 years ago
I hope this doesn't garner downvotes, buuutttt..... Maybe, just maybe, it's a payback? Speaking from experience of both ends and had to acknowledge it... then it backed off.
the Return of Bruno 2 years ago
Try this on: At 8, he knows the location of every major league sports team in America. And you're happy because let's face it, no-one needs to know that the Capital of North Dakota is Bismarck, but it's much more useful to know that Cleveland is in Ohio. Then two years later, he's picking on you for calling the Baltimore Orioles' rookie catcher, "Ashley Rutschman," instead of "Adley." "Ashley? ASHLEY? Ashley Rutschman... really?"
#89
#91
SaneMinotaur (she/her) 2 years ago
Have you seen Little Britain, perchance?
Load More Replies... #92
Mary August 2 years ago
Haha! My co-workers gave me markers a parting gift. That is how much I loved reminding them of "clicking it."
#93
Jiminy 2 years ago (edited)
Exactly the other way around for me. I was really anxious in my twenties, and it's a LOT better in my thirties now.
SaneMinotaur (she/her) 2 years ago
I'm glad you fall asleep easier now, that must be a huge relief!
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the Return of Bruno 2 years ago
Unless it's the third hour on the can and she still sounds like Serena Williams serving.
Load More Replies... SaneMinotaur (she/her) 2 years ago
Upvote for the display pic in this post. Elon; king of the Karens!
#96
Well-Dressed Wolf 2 years ago
After 20 years, I won’t even sleep in the same bed with my boyfriend if I can help it. We sleep in opposite sides of the house. His snoring is tectonic in nature and we’re not temperature- OR sleeping-position-compatible XD
#97
#99
Jill Rhodry 2 years ago
They actually responded, granting her a unicorn license - with certain conditions on how it must be cared for!
I'm.Just.A.Girl 2 years ago
The permit asks for nontoxic and biodegradable glitter for the unicorn, polishing the Horn of the unicorn once a month, feeding it watermelon once a week, and giving it "regular access to sunlight, moonbeams, and rainbows". That is the most amazing response to a letter I have ever seen
Erin Geiger 2 years ago
I love that I'm not the only one that knew she was granted such request with a permit! Need more of these feel good stories
King Joffrey 2 years ago
She did, and it's funnier than her letter. They gave a whole list of conditions under which the unicorn must be kept/cared for but she has an official permit to keep a unicorn.
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#101
#102
Jill Bussey 2 years ago
My tooth fairy had a whole lifestyle and left notes. My daughter kept them and now uses the stories with her children. I am content.
Elladine DesIsles 2 years ago
Our tooth fairy story began when the cheap plastic tooth-holding necklace my son was given to hold his pulled teeth (he had "shark teeth" - adult teeth came in behind and pushed the baby ones forward but not out) fell off and got lost on the bus on the way home from the dentist. So he got a letter from "Dentelle" explaining how her magic guided her to find them at the public transportation lost and found office, with the help of a "bus troll" along the way, and so he got a gift after all. I am proud of my work solving that particular childhood catastrophe!
#104
Alvia Vseobecna 2 years ago
´it is :D and it is awesome, feels awesome too :D´ - single, childless person
King Joffrey 2 years ago
It feels awesome until about 3pm when you start getting work anxiety again... Now Saturday is the day that is wholly awesome.
#105
Vinchenski 2 years ago
20 years? I'm not even married yet and this sounds like something I'd do!
#107
I'm.Just.A.Girl 2 years ago
I think it's because they're loud flip flops from the '90..early 2000s. That would be my only guess
#108
Nat of Clan P 2 years ago
Me neither for Hocus Pocus. Just never fancied it. On the other hand, Titanic and the first Jurassic Park movie are brilliant (in my opinion). Lol.
Otto Katz 2 years ago
I have not seen Titanic, Sixth Sense, Shawshank, GWTW, Citizen Kane (tried 3 times, fell asleep 3 times).
Jossh Nine 2 years ago
You have to watch Shawshank. The other ones...meh.
Load More Replies... #109
PolymathNecromancer 2 years ago
As a 50 y/o with much exposure to adults...... it's probably not you
Load More Replies... #110
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Ziggyc 2 years ago
Thanks fellow pandas,it changes life forever losing someone to suicide.I hope everyone knows they are loved and the bad times are just a glitch in life...let people know you are there for them and they are valued .Cry with them,laugh with them,just hold them.The stars just don't shine as bright for me anymore
Erin 2 years ago
Sending love your way. I don’t know your pain but I know you are really strong.
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Ziggyc 2 years ago
Thanks fellow pandas,it changes life forever losing someone to suicide.I hope everyone knows they are loved and the bad times are just a glitch in life...let people know you are there for them and they are valued .Cry with them,laugh with them,just hold them.The stars just don't shine as bright for me anymore
Erin 2 years ago
Sending love your way. I don’t know your pain but I know you are really strong.
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