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135 Dark Jokes That’ll Make You Feel Guilty For Laughing
Let’s be honest: dark humor jokes are not for everyone. Not for every place, either. You have to be able to read the room almost perfectly to get the best reaction to these twisted jokes.
If you’re looking for something slightly lighter (but still edgy), you might want to check out our adult jokes or some long ones that take time to get to the punchline.
Don’t go around strangers cracking dark jokes. You never know the person's backstory and how they will react to your dark humor jokes with no limits.
But if you’re in a circle of close friends who you know are open to this kind of humor, crack away! And if you're short on time or height, our short people jokes might also make you laugh.
________________________
Comment from Dr. Sarah Meehan O’Callaghan
Dark humour can be good subversive fun, but there is more to it than meets the eye. Jokes serve a deeper psychological purpose.
In Jokes and Their Relation to the Unconscious, Sigmund Freud analysed jokes and humour from the perspective of the unconscious. Simply put, the unconscious is that unknown part of ourselves that contains desires, feelings, and thoughts that often oppose our conscious, seemingly rational selves.
These ‘desires’ or ‘truths’ can be repressed and emerge in slips of the tongue, dreams, and jokes. Jokes often release something hidden, a truth that cannot be told in the cold light of day. Humour acts like a veil for us to disguise our true motivation.
Freud also said that neurotics tell the best jokes. That should give us pause for thought the next time we want to make a dark joke! - Dr. Sarah Meehan O’Callaghan
________________________
This type of humor can really make your stomach hurt. A dark joke can consist of many things, and you can flavor it to fit any occasion.
Some of them are straight-up offensive jokes, others can involve a gut-bending plot twist. For text-based humor, check out funny text jokes for adults, or add charm with flirt or Bible jokes if you're feeling brave.
Best Dark Jokes Picked by Our Community
If you are looking for the best dark jokes to tell your friends, we’ve got you covered. The Bored Panda community voted for and picked the very best ones. Hence, we’re confident that the first ten entries on this list can be dubbed the top 10 dark humor jokes on the internet.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
Footwork for Fresh Dirt
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
Kanga9ine 4 years ago
A neighbor asked to put a rolled up rug on my front lawn because it was the only house on the black that had one. No problem. I added some copy to his "Free" sign about how clean it was after transporting one mother in law to her final resting place. It was grabbed up in less than an hour.
Vasana Phong 4 years ago
Haha, remember that show back in the day tales from the dark side? Well in one story a rich man was locked up, he befriended the man that made the coffins, they set up a plan to escape, told the coffin maker he’ll pay him nicely, so keep this a secret between them, the next dead body was in the coffin and the next day the rich man sneaked in with the dead body and waited for the coffin to go outside to be buried, as he waited for the coffin maker to come outside to let him out, he waited and waited, he got delirious, had match in his pocket , lit it up, as he turned around to see who died, it was the coffin maker!!
Joshua HJN 4 years ago
Omg I thought the guy was digging for the chest of gold coins he buried and he kept that chest as a secret from his wife XD
RELATED:
#2
Final Exit Strategy
My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!” They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
#3
Paws Off, I\'m Napping
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me and said, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”
Raven DeathShade 4 years ago
Anyone talking about how the word "dead" was censored when this post was used as a thumbnail? No? Cool.
Mewton’s Third Paw 4 years ago
They’ll censor “moron” but they’re totally fine with joking about murdering puppies and women. They even changed a doctor’s comment about dying from covid to “passing away,” but go ahead and kill all the dogs and women you want.
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Wren Kaiser 3 years ago
My friend started laughing at this and I said ‘What’s so funny, it’s a dead dog?!’ And he said ‘No, it’s two dead dogs’.
Candia Lee 4 years ago
Is copying an entire post what Bored Panda is becoming? We read these 3 days ago ...
Top-Tier Shadow Laughs
- Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field. It's a shame about the crops, though.
- My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.
- I have a fear of speed bumps, but I'm slowly getting over it.
- Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
- When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.
#4
Love Left Its Mark
When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.
Abel B. 4 years ago
I carry a pocket knife everywhere, it's super common. At least in the south it is.
John Baker 4 years ago
When I was young, most guys carried pocket knives. They were tools, not weapons.
Courtney Kelly 2 years ago
A lot of guys I know have pocket knives or knives on their waist on a regular basis
#5
Fuel to Your Inner Fire
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."
urbeinghunted 25 8 months ago
I'd only go to the Star Wars universe to try the blue milk honestly
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#6
Sunny Spot, No Filters
Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.
Daniel Marsh 4 years ago
I like Emo Phillips' version somewhat better: "I grew up in (i don't remember) Lancaster, Pennsylvania. But when I was three, my family moved to (again, wherever) Fresno, California. When I was twelve, I found them."
Bent Comedy Gems
- What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair.
- Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you're overweight.
- I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
- I threw a boomerang a few years ago; I know live in constant fear.
- My grief counselor died. He was so good, I didn’t even care.
#7
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
Ziza 1 month ago
its okay. im trying SO F**KING hard NOT to laugh in class. im also cruel, since i love dark humor.
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similarly 4 years ago
I heard this one many, many years ago, but grandfather was a pilot.
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Billy Beecham 4 years ago
Sounds like gramps was a speed demon. If my gramps was driving we could just step out.
Marlowe Fitzpatrik 4 years ago
*sigh* It's really possible that some people haven't heard them.
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#8
Packed and Ready Vibes
My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.
Candia Lee 4 years ago
This is the first LOL of the bunch for me. Hope others read down this far.
#9
Midair Meeting Vibes
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
thatmagicgaychick 4 years ago
everything's edible once and everything can kill someone if you're not a coward
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Eppe 4 years ago
Not true. Who says your dead and mangled body can't be thrown out of a plane? (Hey, we're doing dark humour aren't we?)
Valentina Randi 4 years ago
it sounds like this person would also be the one to push you off the plane the first time
Awsomemom52 4 years ago
Anyone and everything can fly ... just not for the same time length and the same number of times.
urbeinghunted 25 8 months ago
Read backatya's comment and you will, i promise
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Gruesome Giggles
- Knock knock. Who’s there? Doctor. Doctor who? Exactly.
- I was going to tell a dead baby joke. But I decided to abort.
- They laughed at my crayon drawing. I laughed at their chalk outline.
- What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
- I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was a kid.
#10
Chasing Invisible Magic
I'd like to have kids one day. I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.
Alan Gale 4 years ago
Watching kids play at the park. Someone says "Which one is yours?" It seems like "I haven't decided yet" is the wrong answer.
Funny Dark Humor Jokes
These pocket-sized punchlines pack a wallop of clever and edgy humor in just a few words. You might be unable to suppress your laugh at these short dark humor jokes with no limits. They challenge the convention and dare you to chuckle at life’s darkest absurdities.
However, if you are looking for even more macabre humor, we’ve got plenty more prepared for you. So go ahead, and laugh at these morbid jokes. Promise we won’t tell anyone!
- What's yellow and can't swim? A bus full of children.
- I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.
- Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
- Want to know how you make any salad into a Caesar salad? Stab it twenty-three times.
- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
#11
Serious About The Details
The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
Candia Lee 4 years ago
Why do I appreciate the horrible logic in this? Truth be told, he'll get treatment as a prisoner.
Marcellus II 4 years ago
Rest of the world, you get treatment anyway. USA, shoot people to solve basic problems.
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Kevin Lokstet 2 years ago
I would have ended it with it's always good to get a second opinion.
Ila in Maine 2 years ago
Aren't we always told to get a second opinion? You were only doing what you were told to do.
Byron Spalti 2 years ago
This is amazing. Sounds like something my granddad would say before he died. I still have his cane if i need it.
#12
Early Morning Stakes
Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. His hunting buddy immediately calls 911. "My friend isn't breathing," he shouts into the phone. "What should I do?" "Relax," the operator tells him. "I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There's silence, and then a gunshot. The guy gets back on the phone and says, "OK, now what?"
Mica Silvia 4 years ago
I'm gonna be THAT person (sorry) ... Why would an operator say "let's make sure he's dead" though ...?
pigasus1 4 years ago
Some friends were out in the woods and one had to go potty, as he was sitting on the log going, a rattlesnake bit him on his penis. He started screaming for help but his buddies didn't know what to do, so one called a doctor and asked what they should do to treat him, and the doctor told him that the poison must be sucked from the wound. The buddy said, Thanks Doctor and hung up. The friend who had been bitten asked, What did he say?! His buddy answered.... I'm sorry, but you're one dead MF.
Chris Zaydel 4 years ago
The joke isn't really about guns. Gun are the prop, but it's about word play. No need to politicize everything.
Load More Replies... urbeinghunted 25 8 months ago
Now take him home and burn the body *pause* oh ok fine, destroy the evidence, whatever u wanna call it
#13
Lost in Thought Forest
A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared." The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone."
Julia Atkinson 4 years ago
A prisoner, handcuffed to a guard, walks across the yard from the jail to a shed where the gallows is housed. Rain is falling in torrents. "Well, that was unpleasant!" says the prisoner. "What have you got to complain about?" replies the guard, "I've got to walk back!"
Dark Dad Jokes
Universally, dads seem to have nailed a joke formula that can both delight and embarrass family members simultaneously. But sometimes they dangle at the edge of darkness that may make you go, “Whoa, that was savage!” These dark-humored dad jokes take a deliciously dark turn!
- When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.
- A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a tree. “Don’t cut me down,” the tree exclaims, “I’m a talking tree!” The man says, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”
- Why did Grandma miss the funeral? She wasn’t a mourning person.
#14
Multi-Screen Mode Activated
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.
Reagan Wells 2 years ago
dude she's bhvnbhdnrfuejen. ejcbjcebjcbjndjen xx
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Dark humor walks a fine line, and that’s exactly why it hits so hard. If these Dark Jokes entertained your inner mischief, keep the laughs going in our dark humor jokes collection.
#15
Hands-On with Glue
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
Aryana Emerson 3 years ago
that reminds me of when i was 7 i thought that nail glue was lip gloss and i put it on.... you know the rest
#16
Edge of Curiosity
I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.
Daniel Marsh 4 years ago
SNL joke. "Every 12 seconds, a man in New York gets mugged. Today, we interview that man."
WilvanderHeijden 4 years ago
Yes, your honor. I was cleaning my nails with my pocket knife and out of the blue, this joker ran straight into it. 7 times. Can you believe it?
Daria B 4 years ago
Oh? Isn't that the face of A Peach, the ass of Kakao Friends? I like that character ♡
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Ella Blackwood 4 years ago
I don't think I have LOL'd as much as I have on this thread in YEARS! Maybe I should check myself in somewhere.
Petite_Ravenclaw 4 years ago
Is he by any chance using cartoon's laws of injuries and physics to stay alive?
Dark Humor Knock Knock Jokes
These dark humor knock-knock jokes delve into the macabre, the absurd, and the taboo with a devilish sense of humor. These knock-knock jokes may make you chuckle and squirm at the same time. Guessing what lurks behind that imaginary door? Let us tell you.
- Knock! Knock! “Who’s there?” Lettuce. “Lettuce who?” Please let us out of the basement.
- Knock! Knock! “Who’s there?” Dwayne. “Dwayne, who?” Dwayne the bathtub, I’m drowning.
- Knock! Knock! “Who’s there?” Howie. “Howie, who?” Howie gonna hide this body?!
- Knock! Knock! “Who’s there?” Control Freak. Okay, now you say, "Control Freak, who?"
#17
Unexpected Throne Vibes
What is the worst combination of illnesses? Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.
AnnaBanana 4 years ago
That's the exact situation my elderly father is in right now - but I still found this hilarious!!!
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Snorkeldorf 4 years ago (edited)
Mom was 72 when she retired. Young guy came up to her and told her this joke "What's the best thing about having Alzheimer's Disease? You can hide your own Easter eggs." Mom looked at him straight faced and said "I don't think that's funny at all". Guess his face dropped and he was embarrassed. Then she said "I....I can't remember why, but I don't think that's funny". The kid cracked up. Mom was good.
Big Blue Cat 4 years ago
Similar joke: grandma went to doctor because of diarrhea. Doctor gave prescription but there was a mistake made in pharmacy and she was handed antidepressants. After couple of days grandma went back to the doctor's. Doctor asks: did the drug work? Grandma replied: it kind of works. I sh*t my pants but I'm not upset about it.
8Yorkies-and-63cats 4 years ago
I always thought it would be something like coughing fits and diarrhea...
#18
Peeling Back Reality
Turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
Kona Pake 4 years ago
They just haven’t told you what is secret ingredient is.
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#19
I've asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for. So far no one has given me a straight answer.
Ga Di 4 years ago
lettuce, green peppers, bacon, tomato and double quinoa --- ah, those hipsters
Bexxxxx 4 years ago
That sounds delicious. Some restaurant should make like a “Pride BLT” or something out of this 😂
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Dillon Hughes 4 years ago
Its funny because its true! Nobody cares about your sexual preference ! Bang whoever the crap you want! (Not kids)
Mark Johanen 4 years ago
Reminds me of a similar one: I asked all my friends what IDK stands for. But none of them knew.
#20
Old School Playground Vibes
A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend." The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better." "Thanks Dad," the son says. The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."
urbeinghunted 25 8 months ago
A Collingwood fan was taking his pet magpie to a stadium on the tram. The guy next to him says "I don't think you're allowed to take a pig into the stadium." "That's a magpie you idiot." says the Collingwood fan. The guy next to him says,"Nup I was talking to the magpie."
Gut-Buster Shadows
- My grandfather has the heart of a lion… And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
- What do you call a magic dog? A labracadabrador.
- They say money talks, but mine just waves goodbye.
- I was addicted to hokey pokey… but thankfully, I turned myself around.
- If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
#21
Lost in the Tourist Shuffle
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
Raven DeathShade 4 years ago
They're a tour guide. They lost people on the tours they're supposed to be guiding.
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Jessica Anderson 4 years ago
I run a tour department...Just emailed this to all of my tour guides bwahahaha
Full English 4 years ago
This reminds me of....I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my father. Not screaming and terrified like his passengers - Bob Monkhouse
urbeinghunted 25 8 months ago
Edwin is that you? (he was our tour guide when we went to Hanoi)
#22
I got my COVID test today, it says 50. What does that mean? Also, my IQ test came back positive.
Gerard Neaux 4 years ago
"My IQ test is literally the best in the world. Even the doctors were amazed, it was so very good. I'm the best in the world at IQ tests."
urbeinghunted 25 8 months ago
50% of COVID has infected ur brain. The other 50% has been confirmed positive for lack of existence.
Yvonne Hong 1 year ago
Consider seeking a Mental health professional and a doctor at the same time.
#23
Awkward Moments Expert
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.
Eric Soliday 4 years ago
Actually that's exactly what have a good day means at my work. At that point it's a tornado of people flying out the door
#24
Morning Rituals Matter
My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. My wife replied with a sneer, "Because she has no taste."
Senjo Krane 2 months ago
I hate jokes where married couples have to dis each other. I know they've been around forever but still. just saying.
#25
Midnight Ride Vibes
Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus. And I lost my job as a bus driver!
Carol Emory 4 years ago
Like the comedian that says "I miss my Ex. And that probably wouldn't happen if I got a better scope for my rifle....uhm."
Eithne Griffiths 3 years ago
I was so drunk last night I took the bus home. I didn't even know I could drive a bus.
Mewregaurd Hissyfit 4 years ago
I used to be a bus driver. Good thing people I hate never walked anywhere!!
Isla Larsen 11 months ago
I'm sure he deserved to get hit by a bus, but you didn't deserve losing your job.
#26
I took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning. Being a sniper is awesome.
Nicola Dimigen 3 years ago
Definitely............................................>:)
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#27
Flashbacks and Photo Finds
One man’s trash is another man’s treasure. Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.
Mpkfighter Plays 4 years ago
It’s saying that you are left by someone to be loved by someone else. Hence adoption. Adoption is NOT a bad thing though.
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SPQRBob 4 years ago (edited)
This reminds me of something similar: Someone telling you that Jesus loves you is a great thing to hear in a church... Not so much in a Mexican prison.
TheCatasaurusMeowMom 4 years ago
Read this to my Mexican kitchen co-worker and she was laughing so hard she was crying!!! Lmfao Kudos to you, SPQRBob!
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#28
Leveling Up in Patience
My parents raised me as an only child, which really annoyed my younger brother.
Judo Flipped By Nobody 4 years ago
Switch out "younger" with "older" and suddently its Todoroki
Mewregaurd Hissyfit 4 years ago
Yeah.......after my blond, cute sister was born.........I seemed to have developed the power of invisibility.
#29
My son, who's into astronomy, asked me how stars die. "Usually an overdose, son," I told him.
#30
Color Me Curious
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Valentina Randi 4 years ago
reading these while half asleep will make you fully wake up....in an interesting way
urbeinghunted 25 8 months ago
Number 25, second biggest crater, Venus. Send with some coffee and a paid year-long Kayo subscription
#31
Woodshop in Full Swing
A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. "You can't cut me down," the tree complains. "I'm a talking tree!" The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."
#32
Voice Command Vibes
Siri, why am I still single?! *Siri activates front camera*
fuggnuggins 3 years ago
Enough sexually satisfied fuglies to prove that it's not. Must be something else...
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Bettye McKee 4 years ago
I've heard that Siri always tells the truth. That's why I steer clear of it.
Devious Chuckles
- What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.
- Why don’t skeletons ever get into fights? They don’t have the guts.
- I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.
- I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
- My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.
#33
I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin. The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.
beastmachine. 4 years ago
Yeah but some comics are truly divisive igniting communal hatred by targeting specific parts of society and not talking about their community...
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Bacony Cakes 4 years ago (edited)
Two guys and a KGB agent walk into a bar in Soviet Moscow and start making jokes about Stalin. They were so funny, everybody died laughing.
#34
I wasn't close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.
#35
Stacked Sweetness Incoming
Dark humour is like food, not everyone gets it.
urbeinghunted 25 8 months ago
Pancakes are superior to waffles and u know it
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#36
Remember, being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible.
CLARA HILL 2 years ago
YOU UNDERSTAND MY LIFE NOW!!!!!!!! MY NEW BESTIE (the other one died)
Load More Replies... Byron Spalti 2 years ago
hehehehehehehehehehe... Hahahahahahahahaha.... HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHEHEHEHEHEHHAAAAAAAAA!
#37
What do you call an orphan taking a selfie? A family photo.
September Meadows 4 years ago
What is it called when an orphan draws a strait line? A family tree.
Hunter x Hunter Fan HxH Fan (HxH Fan) 1 year ago
I died laughing when I saw your comment, lmfao-
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#38
"I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient. "Give me the good news first," the patient said. "Your test results are back," the doctor said, "and you have only two days to live." "That's the good news?" the patient exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "I've been trying to reach you for two days."
Petite_Ravenclaw 4 years ago
*patient dies from shock instead of what the doctor predicted he would die from*
Joe Blow 4 years ago
"I have good news and bad news", said the doctor. "OMG:" said the patient, "give me the bad news first". "The bad news is were are going to have to amputate both your feet". "OMG" said the patient, "what's the good news?". "I've found someone who wants to buy your slippers".
Jack Candy 4 years ago
The doctor told his patient: "I'm sorry, but I have to tell you that you're going to die soon." "Oh my god", says the patient. "How long do I have?" The doctor says: "Well, ten .." - The patient interrupts him: "Years? Months?" - The doctor: "nine ..."
#39
Dark Jokes You’ll Laugh At… Then Regret
My wife of 60 years told me, "Let's go upstairs and make love." I just sighed and said, "Choose one, I can't do both."
Ramsie CHAN 2 years ago
A sad dark humor joke: Q. Why are americans so good at the rubix cube? A. They have a history of seperating colors Hint. colors = skin color
Sandy Schairer 1 year ago
Married 60 years must make them in their 80s. A guy who hasn't had it in so many years would jump at the chance. Do it in the living room. Though some dinner guests might be offended.
Teodor Negru 4 years ago
It was "let's run upstairs and make love"... Makes more sense that way
#40
Since the pandemic started, my wife just stands there sadly looking through the window. I should probably go let her in.
Audrey Escalante 1 year ago
that is rude thing to say to hurt someone feelings is rude that is very rude thing to say
Andrew Nunez Jacobo 2 years ago
man everyone knows that when a person or your wife is looking through the window Sadly that means one of two things she is sad or she is about to kill U and go to your bed room than sleep and take you out.
#41
Never break someone's heart, they only have one. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
Ryan Deschanel 4 years ago
"Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life" sir Terrence Pratchett.
sneke eyes 3 years ago
give a cat a fish and it will eat for a day, teach a cat to fish and it will sit and pout because no one gave it another fish
Rikke Visby Wickberg 4 years ago
We have this on a poster in the stable. A horse will never break your heart, only your bones, and you've 206 of those. All good!
Ramsie CHAN 2 years ago
Why are americans so good at the rubix cube? They have a history in seperating COLORS. Hint: colors = skin color
#42
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.
Andrei Marentette 4 years ago
lol. I'm doing that next time I have a doctor's appointment. I'm bringing an apple into his office and yeeting it at him
#43
I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not waterproof.
urbeinghunted 25 8 months ago
And I was even more shocked to find out that I'm a terrible electrician
#44
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.
fuggnuggins 3 years ago (edited)
And, btw, the dirty, filthy, disgusting heathen word that was filtered is p@wn. P@wnbarian.
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#45
What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.
TheCatasaurusMeowMom 4 years ago
Yea, my grandpa told that to my son when he was about 6 (he's now almost 20), and my son said, "Great Grandpapa, that's so old and lame!" Now when we visit my 85 year old grandfather who has Alzheimer's, my son loves telling that stupid joke to him and it makes my grandpa's day!
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sofacushionfort 4 years ago
I thought this was supposed to be dark. “What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? The Rwandan Genocide.”
Isla Larsen 11 months ago
Know what's worse than finding half a worm in your apple? Falling down a sewer.
#46
I have a fish that can breakdance! Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.
Raven DeathShade 4 years ago
Mine escaped her tank, flopped her way across the carpet of my room, STAYED THERE OVERNIGHT, and freaked out when I picked her up. Plopped her back in the bowl after I picked her up again. She took about a week to heal from her rug burns. She was an 8-inch pleco at the time, grew to 10 inches before she died a year afterwards.
Dylan Bess 4 years ago
Hey, it stopped moving! *Calls pet shop* “Have you tried turning it off and on again?”
#47
Patient: Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation. Doctor: Don’t worry. Mine too.
Tor-Arne Hjellen 4 years ago
The patient, ''I'm really nervous for this surgery.. ''And the surgeon adds, as the patient is to go under anaesthesia-''I've done this procedure hundreds of times... and at one point I shall succeed..''
Kendra Miller 4 years ago
One bonus, they are just out of medical school then so should have the most up to date training plus there will be other more senior doctors in the room if it's their first.
#48
"Welcome back to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today!"
Daniel Marsh 4 years ago
No, no, no, no! You're telling it all wrong!! "Welcome everyone to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. I see lots of new faces, and I'm very disappointed."
Yoris Orkab 3 years ago (edited)
I read all 50 jokes on this page and this is the only one that's ACTUALLY funny. All the other ones are dad jokes which aren't far off from being regular statements
Cayna Louise 4 years ago
I though the joke was I’m disappointed to see so many new faces here today.
#49
90s Vibes Only
Why are friends a lot like snow? If you pee on them, they disappear.
#50
I've learnt that saying "Oh, this old thing?" isn't an appropriate way to introduce an elderly relative.
Sly Schlang 1 month ago
It's not that great but it doesn't deserve the loneliness
Load More Replies... #51
My Grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Atlanta Zoo.
#52
Dentist: “This will hurt a little.” Patient: “OK.” Dentist: “I’m having an affair with your wife.”
#53
When we were kids, we used to be afraid of the dark. But when we grew up, the electricity bill made us afraid of the light!
Isaac Deyarmin 4 years ago
I'm 16 and hide in the dark and complain when the people who pay the bills leave the lights on
#54
The easiest way to know you are ugly is when you are handed the camera every time there is a group photo.
Aroace tiger (any pronouns) 4 years ago
I'd be more than happy if I was the one talking the photo. I hate being in pictures
Ryan Deschanel 4 years ago
The easiest way to know you are ugly is asking your girlfriend. If you don't have one... you got your answer.
#55
Priest: “Do you have any last requests?” Murderer sitting in the electric chair: “Yes. Can you please hold my hand?”
#56
After work, I volunteer to help blind children. Btw – verb, not adjective.
Aroace tiger (any pronouns) 4 years ago
The person speaking makes children blind (took me ages to understand)
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#57
My Therapist told me, "Time heals all wounds"... So, I stabbed him. Now we wait.
Wondering Alice 4 years ago
My therapist told me I was living in a complete fantasy world. Jokes on him - I don't even have a therapist.
#58
The Funniest Dark Jokes From The Internet
I took my grandma to a fish spa center where the little fish eat your dead skin for only $45. It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.
#59
Patient: “Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?” Doctor: “To the morgue.” Patient: “What? But I’m not dead yet!” Doctor: “And we’re not there yet.”
Theoretical Empiricist 4 years ago
"I'm feeling much better now...I think I'll go for a walk!"
#60
Wife: “I want another baby” Husband: “That’s a relief, I also really don’t like this one”.
#61
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!
Candia Lee 4 years ago
She meant their relationship isn't working, which is why he didn't get it either.
Load More Replies... #62
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
Bacony Cakes 4 years ago
Lambda males be like: STAHP DAAGH NO WRAGHT scientist-...cda000.jpg 
Harley K 4 years ago
lots of these are just old jokes they're hoping no one will recognize, lol
Load More Replies... #63
Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, "Bach, Bach, Bach."
Chaotic-Pansexual (she/they) 4 years ago
It’s the first time I’ve heard it!
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Luis Hernandez Dauajare 4 years ago
Beethoven asked the same things. He has not heard an answer.
ElenaK 4 years ago
What happened Joshua? Your wife snapped your head at the keyboard?
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Travis Fox 4 years ago
In what county? I didn't know they spoke different languages!!
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#64
Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
Ryan Deschanel 4 years ago
That's not flying, that's just falling with style... No, not even with style. Just falling.
Raven DeathShade 4 years ago
I was desperately clicking, trying to see your comment. "It shouldn't be closed", I realized, seeing the number of downvotes. Then I realized I could see the number of downvotes.
Load More Replies... #65
A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, "I'm sorry, but you only have ten left." The patient asks him, "Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?" The doctor calmly looks at him and says, "Nine."
Spikey boi 4 years ago
It means that he only has ten minutes left as it goes down so fast
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Tylar Martinez 4 years ago
yea it'd been more clever if the dr were German
Load More Replies... #66
My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.
#67
Dark Jokes About Life, Death, And Everything In Between
I made a website for orphans. It doesn’t have a home page.
#68
Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?” Dad: “Call me George.”
#69
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face. For instance, when you push them down the stairs.
Ronald Bradford 4 years ago
No, no, no -- it's more like ... "Some people are like a Slinky; not very useful but will still bring a smile to your face when you send one tumbling down the stairs."
Theoretical Empiricist 4 years ago
So many opportunities to smile missed. Too many people, too few staircases...too many witnesses...
#70
What's the difference between me and cancer? My dad didn't beat cancer.
#71
Did you hear about the guy who got his left side chopped off? He's all right now!
Joshua HJN 4 years ago
And all he has right now geddit???? RIGHT NOW AHAHA
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#72
My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest.
Ryan Deschanel 4 years ago
Maybe she just wanted to make her mother dance with red-glowing hot iron shoes until she dies?
Thomas Bentley 2 years ago
Brothers grimm. Nice. That is one fo the tamer ones.
Load More Replies... #73
Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.
#74
How do you make any salad into a caesar salad? Stab it twenty three times.
DD 4 years ago
I don't understand why people didn't like your comment. I'm not sure but according to Bored Panda, that may be because I'm from Kansas, which is in America.
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#75
I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
#76
"I want a divorce!" "But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part." "I guess you are right. Very well, go ahead and drink up the tea I made for you."
#77
Why are cigarettes good for the environment? They kill people.
Paul Harris 4 years ago
Yes. Smoke more cigarettes. Eat more junk food. Drink more beer. Buy more guns.
#78
What did Kermit the Frog say at his puppeteer’s funeral? Nothing.
Kimi Tomminello 4 years ago
Kermit the frog sang "It's not easy being green" at Jim Henson's funeral. I don't know whether that info is cute or disturbing.
Robert Bailey 4 years ago
https://static.wikia.nocookie.net/muppet/images/5/5e/Life.jpg/revision/latest/scale-to-width-down/300?cb=20091117061149
Bacony Cakes 4 years ago
That's because his conscience was bearing down on him. He killed a thousand people and a few hundred more.
#79
The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.
#80
My favorite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.
#81
Boy: “Mom, can I have a dog for Christmas, please?” Mom: “No, you’re getting turkey, like every year!“.
#82
Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.
#83
Daddy, there is a man at the door. He says he is collecting for the nursing home. That’s perfect. Tell him grandpa is coming in a moment.
#84
If you want to stop an argument between deaf people, be fast and switch off the lights. Case ended!
#85
When ordering food at a restaurant, I asked the waiter what they do to prepare their chicken. “Nothing special,” he explained. “We just tell them they’re going to die.”
#86
My grief counsellor died. He was so good, I don’t even care.
#87
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
#88
Why can’t Michael Jackson go within 500 metres of a school? Because he’s dead.
#89
Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That's the punch line.
#90
Wickedly Smart Dark Jokes For The Brave
There’s a lot of talk about starting families, but no one ever talks about finishing what they started.
#91
Patient: “Doctor! Doctor! Help me – I cannot feel my legs!” Doctor: “Don’t panic, that’s perfectly normal. It’s because I amputated your arms!”
#92
I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.
#93
When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.
#94
My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It's a good thing he drives a Civic.
My Name Is Mars 4 years ago
Honda makes the Accord and the Civic. They're both cars.
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WalkieTaco 8 months ago
Jesus's disciples drove a Honda. The Bible says they were all in one Accord.
#95
They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it's poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.
AdelaideRose111 4 years ago
Right I shall use it and write a book that I shall probably quit and only write a few short chapters of :))))))))))))))
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#96
Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
My Name Is Mars 4 years ago
What happens if you arrive late to a cannibal dinner party? You get the cold shoulder!
#97
I hope Death is a woman. That way it will never look at me twice.
#98
What’s the difference between a dinosaur and a lump of coal? Sixty million years.
Bacony Cakes 4 years ago (edited)
🎵Drillin', drillin', drillin', 🎵Although them boats keep spilling, oh, 🎵Keep them derricks drillin' ...FOR OIL! 🎵I don't try to understand it, 🎵Just use it while we still have it, 🎵Soon we'll be living high and wide! 🎵Some college boy's been thinking, 🎵Our resources are shrinking, 🎵And soon we'll be at the end of our ride! 🎵Chop it down, burn it up! 🎵Act now while supplies last! 🎵Drill it up, spill it out! 🎵Let's build us an OILIGARCHAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
Load More Replies... ZAPanda 4 years ago
you're right but please don't downvote the even funnier version i just posted :)
Load More Replies... #99
What's yellow and can't swim? A bus full of children.
lara 4 years ago
What's do you call two empty seats on a bus full of lawyers going off a cliff?
#100
My boss said to me, “You’re the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?” I said, “I’m not sure; it’s hard to keep track.”
#101
I bet my friend $5 that he would drown in the lake… It was a bittersweet victory.
#102
What do you do if you’re ever attacked by a gang of clowns? Go for the juggler.
Vasha 4 years ago
The idiom "go for the jugular" means an aggressive, disparaging attack. Jugular veins run along the neck, a potential target in a physical fight.
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#103
I got a job as a librarian, but it only lasted half an hour. Turns out, books about women’s rights shouldn’t go in the Sci-Fi / Fantasy section.
Dl B 4 years ago
OMG people. These are supposed to be jokes. Why does everything have to be turned into a religious or political debate. Get a life.
AppleDragon 4 years ago
EXACTLY!! And neither should the Bible, even though I'm an atheist. Everyone should have a right to believe in what they want.
Immortal Emperor Paradox 4 years ago
Nope. If a belief implies to cause harm to others, then such belief should be terminated as soon as possible.
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#105
Dark Jokes That Are Wrong On So Many Levels
I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor.
#106
Why was the leper hockey game canceled? There was a face off in the corner.
My Name Is Mars 4 years ago
What did the leper tell the prostitute? Keep the tip!
Load More Replies... Ronald Bradford 4 years ago
What did the leper tell the sex worker while paying them? "Hey -- keep the tip!"
#107
Where do you find a dog with no legs? Exactly where you left it.
Wondering Alice 4 years ago
What do you call a deer with out an eye? No idea. What do you call a deer without an eye and no legs? Still no Idea. What do you call a deer with no eye no legs no penis? Still no f*****g idea
Shine Caramia 4 years ago
What do you call a dog with no hind legs and steel testicles? Sparky
September Meadows 4 years ago
What do you call a man with no arms and legs, hanging on a wall? Art.
#108
I heard Sony's coming out with a new console during the pandemic. It's called the Plaguestation 5.
#109
What do my dad and Nemo have in common? They both can't be found.
XSpooky_Mint 4 years ago
It doesn't take 35 years to get a gallon of milk ;-;
Load More Replies... #111
Patient: Oh Doctor, I’m starting to forget things. Doctor: Since when have you had this condition? Patient: What condition?
#112
You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.
#113
Sorry, what’s the quickest way to get to the hospital? Just stand in the middle of a busy road.
#114
What do you get when you cross a rabbit and a pit bull? Just the pit bull.
#115
The cemetery is so overcrowded. People are just dying to get in.
Andrea Careless 4 years ago
My little brother said that the cemetery is where the dead people live.
#116
Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.
#117
I went out with this girl once who wanted to be treated like a princess. So I put her in the back of a Mercedes and crashed it.
#118
How can you tell your acne is really starting to get out of hand? The blind start reading your face.
#119
I childproofed my house. Somehow they still got in!
Bisexual Tiger 4 years ago
4/10 the bigger ones will probably stay out, but the littler ones... they're unpredictable
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#120
Dark Humor Jokes You Shouldn’t Share (But Will)
Mom, the kids are laughing at me, they say my teeth are too long!” – “Oh shush, now you’ve scratched the whole floor again!
Mel (All pronouns) 2 years ago
The person’s teeth are so long they touch the floor
Load More Replies... #121
I have a joke about quarantine, but I don’t know if you’ll get it. It’s an inside joke.
#123
Why do vampires seem sick? They’re always coffin.
#124
What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn’t really matter what you call him, he won’t come anyway.
#125
What’s the difference between a baby and a potato. About 140 calories.
IRefuseToBeHuman 4 years ago
They're saying the baby is a potato with no calories.
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#126
I don't have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere.
MECHSLAYER 5 months ago
How do you find the definition of a word by calculating?
Load More Replies... #127
Why do they call it the novel coronavirus? It’s a long story…
XSpooky_Mint 4 years ago
Imagine having to explain the last two years to someone who just got out of a coma
#128
Dark Jokes For People With A Seriously Twisted Sense Of Humor
Why is there air conditioning in hospitals? To keep the vegetables cool and fresh.
#129
My father always used to say, “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger,” – "till the accident".
#130
I got a second opinion after I asked my psychiatrist for it after he said I was crazy. He said I was ugly too.
#132
Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is.
#133
What animal has five legs? A pitbull returning from a playground.
Thomas Bentley 2 years ago (edited)
Extremes of any kind get all the attention. one of my least favorite things about any media.
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Freya the Wanderer 4 years ago
Similar to: "What has four legs and one arm? A happy put bull."
#134
I’ve stopped making jokes about Covid. They flu over your heads.
#135
Dark Humor is like Healthcare.... It's better if only some people get it.
See Also
If you like your humor a bit edgy, check out these joke collections for adults and brave souls alike.
What do you think ?
Jess Ovo 4 years ago
What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common? .. .. Both like to crack open a cold one! (:
Carol Emory 4 years ago (edited)
Old man is flying down the freeway in his new corvette. He soon sees a state patrolman behind him with lights on. He takes off driving nearly 100 mph. When the siren sounds, he comes to his senses and pulls over. Before the cop reaches the window, the man apologizes for running. The cop says "I've heard every excuse there is, but if you tell me something original, I'll let you go." The man says "Well you see officer, a few years back, my wife ran off with a state patrolman...so when I saw your lights in the rearview mirror...I thought you were trying to bring her back!" Cop tips his hat "Have a nice day!"
Kanuli 4 years ago
Missing my favorite: How many babies do you need to paint a wall? Depends how hard you throw. Also good: Whats worse than 9 babies in a garbage bin? 1 baby in 9 garbage bins.
BasedWang 4 years ago
then theres, whats the difference between a corvette and a pile of dead babies? I dont have a corvette in my garage
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juice 4 years ago
one of my favorites (stolen from Whose Line): a convicted hitman confessed that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field, using only two small porcelain figures. Police admit that this may be the first known case of a knick knack paddy whack
Serbob 4 years ago
It was not stolen from Whose Line. It's been around a lot longer than that show.
Load More Replies... JeannevB 4 years ago
If you are wondering if the mushrooms I served you are edible, know this: all mushrooms are edible. But some of them.only once.
BasedWang 4 years ago
Woman walking along the beach - Sees a man laying there with no arms and no legs crying... She asks "why are you crying" He responds "Nobody loves me and all I ever wanted to do in my life was get f****d". So she lifted him up, threw him in the ocean and said "There, now you're f****d!"
albernistuff 4sale 4 years ago
Worse than one dead baby?.... a pile of dead babies.... Worse than that?... one in the middle still alive.... Worse than that?.... its eating its way out.... Worse than that?... Makes it.... Worse than that?... Goes back for seconds....
Andrea Careless 4 years ago
That’s really awful. Not an example of good black humour. Just ugly.
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Tatertot 4 years ago
What's black and white and red all over? A penguin in a blender. I still remember my dad's last words to my mother before he died. "This would make a great Facebook picture!"
Freya the Wanderer 4 years ago
What's black and brown and looks good on a Trump supporter? A Doberman pinscher.
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cybermerlin2000 4 years ago
I was washing my hands in the bathroom when my wife called up to me, "Have you just taken a sh*t?" I replied "Yes, Why?" and she called back "Well the neighbours are here and want you to stop rummaging in their toilet"... Some people are like a Slinky. They are only fun when you push them down the stairs... Light is definitely faster than sound. A point proven when someone who looks bright decides to open their mouth
Jess Ovo 4 years ago
What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common? .. .. Both like to crack open a cold one! (:
Carol Emory 4 years ago (edited)
Old man is flying down the freeway in his new corvette. He soon sees a state patrolman behind him with lights on. He takes off driving nearly 100 mph. When the siren sounds, he comes to his senses and pulls over. Before the cop reaches the window, the man apologizes for running. The cop says "I've heard every excuse there is, but if you tell me something original, I'll let you go." The man says "Well you see officer, a few years back, my wife ran off with a state patrolman...so when I saw your lights in the rearview mirror...I thought you were trying to bring her back!" Cop tips his hat "Have a nice day!"
Kanuli 4 years ago
Missing my favorite: How many babies do you need to paint a wall? Depends how hard you throw. Also good: Whats worse than 9 babies in a garbage bin? 1 baby in 9 garbage bins.
BasedWang 4 years ago
then theres, whats the difference between a corvette and a pile of dead babies? I dont have a corvette in my garage
Load More Replies... juice 4 years ago
one of my favorites (stolen from Whose Line): a convicted hitman confessed that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field, using only two small porcelain figures. Police admit that this may be the first known case of a knick knack paddy whack
Serbob 4 years ago
It was not stolen from Whose Line. It's been around a lot longer than that show.
Load More Replies... JeannevB 4 years ago
If you are wondering if the mushrooms I served you are edible, know this: all mushrooms are edible. But some of them.only once.
BasedWang 4 years ago
Woman walking along the beach - Sees a man laying there with no arms and no legs crying... She asks "why are you crying" He responds "Nobody loves me and all I ever wanted to do in my life was get f****d". So she lifted him up, threw him in the ocean and said "There, now you're f****d!"
albernistuff 4sale 4 years ago
Worse than one dead baby?.... a pile of dead babies.... Worse than that?... one in the middle still alive.... Worse than that?.... its eating its way out.... Worse than that?... Makes it.... Worse than that?... Goes back for seconds....
Andrea Careless 4 years ago
That’s really awful. Not an example of good black humour. Just ugly.
Load More Replies... Tatertot 4 years ago
What's black and white and red all over? A penguin in a blender. I still remember my dad's last words to my mother before he died. "This would make a great Facebook picture!"
Freya the Wanderer 4 years ago
What's black and brown and looks good on a Trump supporter? A Doberman pinscher.
Load More Replies... cybermerlin2000 4 years ago
I was washing my hands in the bathroom when my wife called up to me, "Have you just taken a sh*t?" I replied "Yes, Why?" and she called back "Well the neighbours are here and want you to stop rummaging in their toilet"... Some people are like a Slinky. They are only fun when you push them down the stairs... Light is definitely faster than sound. A point proven when someone who looks bright decides to open their mouth
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