10th grade English class with a sub. Class started normal with roll call because of the sub, then she asked us to take our books out. The sub had a student read a passage of a book and it started "Peter picked..." The nicest guy in class (not even the class clown) half whispered, "Peter picked a patch of pickled peppers." And the sub says loudly, "pack your things and go to the principal's office.

He sat there looking around to see if it was actually him getting kicked out of class or someone else and his friend asked, "did you just kick him out of class?" The sub replied, "You can go join him!" To which two other students asked, "What did he do?" They were asked to leave as well. The class clown, who always got kicked out of class, just stood up and announced that he was hedging his bet and just going to the principals office now as well.

The sub started saying we are a bad class and trying to mutiny, to which everyone in class is just asking, "what is happening?" The sub left the room and five minutes later the principal came in. He looked around and said, "I have no idea what happened here, but I honestly know most of you here and know you are all good students. I think we will just all sit quietly until we can get a replacement sub in."

Five minutes later, the usual building sub came in. After the principal left, she wanted all the details and we spent the rest of the class laughing and having a normal class. Was one of the craziest days at school I ever had.

No idea what was going on with that sub and never heard anything about it. She must have had some issues in the past and was anxious or something.

In second grade a bee was in the classroom, a lot of kids were freaking out running around. I’m very allergic to bees and one of my neighbors was in the classroom and had seen me have an allergic reaction to a bee sting before so he started screaming for everyone to cover me (sweet boy 🩷😭) and girls started scream-crying thinking I was going to be gone.

The sub kept yelling at us to shut up, shook one of the kids near her to shut up, started crying herself and left the classroom. A few minutes after we continued to scream, a different teacher came in to see what was going on and asked where the sub was, we heard a car peel out of the parking lot (it was in front of our classroom window) and it was the sub leaving 😭

We had a different sub after that lol and kept the windows closed.

Dude I worked with had a stutter and was a bit of a jerk. One day he goes “hey jackwrangler, d-do you think you’re going s-straight to hell because you’re gay?”
And my response was “hey Anthony, d-do you think god gave you a s-stutter so you could think twice about what you say to people?”
The whole wait station stopped and...***silence ***

I was in an acting class in college, and we were doing a scene where a couple was having a big drawn out fight. Multiple pairs went through the scene, and I studied it pretty hard, so I knew all the lines.

We're about halfway through our performance when my partner clearly forgets what her line is. And because everyone was doing that scene, they could tell she had forgotten, as well.

Her next line was supposed to be "well, I'm sorry I asked!"

I'm not usually a quick thinker on my feet, but I just filled the second or two of awkward silence with "I bet you're sorry you asked, huh!?" And continued on with my lines. Not overly cool per se, but the class and professor loved it and all laughed. Probably the only quick-witted thing I've ever done in my life.

I’m a writer and I do a bit of stand up comedy. As such people tend to introduce me to new people as a ‘comedian’ ‘writer’ etc.

So I was outside a bar smoking with a friend of a friend, he then introduced to one of his friends. His friend was dressed like Liam Gallagher from Oasis and seemed to exude a bit of a cocky sneerey manner.

The introduction went thusly;

Friend of Friend: Mr Gallagher this is WriterOfWrongs, he’s a comedian.

Mr Gallagher: (looks me up and down) Comedian eh? Does that mean you think you’re funny?

WriterOfWrongs: No, it means everyone else does.

I literally do not know where it came from. I didn’t think about the response, it just came out.

And it is hands down the GREATEST thing I’ve ever said.

In a class at university each student had to give a presentation about a scientific paper and answer questions about it. We were told to ask the speaker questions, because otherwise the professor would and his questions would obviously be harder. That professor was really brutal in his critiques of the presentations (but also fair and accurate). In any case i asked a question after every single presentation, but when my turn came no student wanted to ask anything, so the professor asked me if i wanted to ask myself a question. Without even thinking about it: "Say, how come your presentation was so extremely excellent?"

I was mentally preparing to be chewed out, instead the professor needed a minute to stop laughing and then gave me the best grade possible :)

I worked at Target back in college in a stocking job where we had to be there at like 4-5am to unload trucks. One morning I overslept a bit and walked to the unpacking line about 10 minutes late eating a breakfast bar. The boss stormed over and started loudly berating me in front of everyone for being late. As he was going on, I was listening and taking bites of the bar without much expression (mainly because I was so tired). It finally bothered him that I was disrespectfully chewing during the yelling and he stopped mid-sentence, held out his hand, and said, “Give me that thing!”. It just happened that I only had one bite left so I took it, handed him the wrapper, and said “Thanks” with a mouth full of food. He paused and started laughing at the ridiculous response to his whining. We were buddies after that.

When I was a broke college student, a wealthy older lawyer hit my car. No damage to his but mine was crumpled, and I spent all of my no money at the time keeping it on the road. I was going literally 7 mph in a parking lot and he was entirely at fault. We exchanged insurance info and I had to get a rental car until mine was fixed. He dodged the insurance calls for about two weeks, forcing me to pay out of pocket for the rental, about $600 which I definitely didn’t have. I knew this guy was a jerkish snooty lawyer- my dad is a court attorney and while I have never used this flex- I finally had to ask my dad to call him and talk some lawyer at him. 15 minutes later I get a call and insurance will go forward.

Fast forward like 8 years, I’m bartending at a swanky lounge where a Chamber of Commerce event is going on. Just for local business people to rub elbows and network. This lawyer is really feeling himself and charming the room. He orders a glass of wine from me and then stops and says, “hey, miss, do I know you?”

So I came back loudly with, “well not really but you hit my car in a parking lot a few years ago when I was a broke college student and stuck me with the bill. Do you wanna open a tab for the wine or close out now?”

He did not open a tab.

***Edit- you guys seemed to like this one so I have a bonus for you.

Back somewhere around 2005 I went to see a band play and 30 seconds to Mars was opening for them. Jared Leto was in that band, and at the time Lindsay Lohan was dating him. I live not far from where she grew up and just a few days before a friend told me that LL acted like an enormously entitled jerk towards her a few days ago when they were walking their dogs- something about refusing autographs that no one asked for. We got right up to the front during their set (omg they were so bad) so we could be in place for the next band. Right behind the barrier was Lindsay watching the set. I motioned her over and asked her to take a photo. She starts yelling like “OMG I’m just NORMAL person trying to watch my bf leave me alone!!” Exactly the reaction I was hoping for. I put on my best innocent confused face and said I just wanted a pic with my boyfriend since we made it to the front row. And then said I’m sorry I didn’t realize you were someone famous or something? She went backstage after that. Honestly had never felt so cool.

A long time ago I was walking down a side street in a medium sized town with my girlfriend. A car was parked ahead, with the front of the car facing us as we approached. I could see two kids, maybe in their late teens and instantly could tell they were likely going say something as my gf was rather attractive.

As soon as we come up next to them I hear “hey baby, ditch the zero and come hang with the hero”. I could feel my blood boil but I kept my cool and calmly said “sorry buddy, I’m not gay...and don’t call my girlfriend a zero”. The dude’s friend started laughing at him and my girlfriend made a sarcastic crying face then we both started to laugh.

Heard the heart monitor beeping, started smiling and humming and blurted out "TURN IT UP! I LOVE THIS SONG!!!" The doctor and nurses thought it was hilarious.

I ‘woke up’ after being sedated to get my wisdom teeth out and apparently would not shut about my husband. “My husband got me Zoodles and ice cream for later, I *love* my husband, he’s gonna set up the Fast & Furious movies for me to watch, I *love* my husband, we snuggle every night, I *love* my husband!”

Not surprising when they brought me into the recovery waiting area where he was waiting for me, I apparently excitedly shouted “my husband!! That’s my husband!!”

We went out to dinner after my dad’s funeral. I had snagged one of his hoodies from his closet, and I was wearing it. My brother noticed and kinda sarcastically said, “Hey. Nice jacket.”

I said, “Thanks. I got it off a dead guy.”.

My father’s funeral.

After the service and the reception after, my mother, brother, and sister headed back to our family home. A bunch of my father’s siblings and their family were also staying at the house with us. We got home a few minutes before everyone else.

I was sitting at a table in the living room when I could see their cars come down the driveway. They all got out and were hugging and seemingly congratulating each other. The reception after the service was beautifully put together, and was actually a fun time. A fitting send off for my father. So I assumed they were still just having fun from that. Until they came inside.

They all came in together very quickly, and quietly. They came up to me and my older brother sitting at the table, and kind of crowded around like a bunch of kids, about to see if they could have a cookie before dinner. My aunt Barbara smugly stood at the front and asked, “so when are we going to be doing the reading of the will to see what was left to us all?”

My brother and I just looked at each other for a few moments before we turned to them to say, “are you kidding? Reading of the will? Like a soap opera? There is no reading of the will. Everything that belonged to my father now just belongs to my mother!”

The look of defeat, but not shame, was disgustingly transparent. They were supposed to stay another few nights. They packed up and left that afternoon.