Swimming in warm water in the summertime. Placing the final piece of a puzzle that’s taken you months to complete. ‘Roasting’ someone online with a comeback so witty and so savage, they had to call the ‘Oh Snap’ and fire brigades. All three things have one thing in common—they’re all human experiences that make us feel gooood.
The ‘Clever Comebacks’ subreddit is one of the best places on the net to go to for awesome retorts that will forever be enshrined on the internet in online screenshots. Check out some of the most on-point and hilarious comebacks they posted ever. Remember to upvote your fave ones and we hope they’ll inspire you to show off your wit the next time someone says something dumb or has a go at you.
Bored Panda was interested to learn about what makes comebacks witty and about comedic timing, so we reached out to comedy writer and author of 'How to Live to 100,' Ariane Sherine. Read on to learn what she told us. What’s the best comeback that you’ve ever said or heard in real life, dear Readers? Do you think that the pen is mightier than the sword? Share your thoughts with all of us in the comments.
This post may include affiliate links.
I Understand Completely
Never Underestimate A Woman
I bet this same guy thinks he's qualified to talk about abortion even though he can't give birth.
“Migrants Can’t Assimilate Into Society”
Comedy writer Ariane told Bored Panda that, in her opinion, witty comebacks can be both spontaenous and planned out. "I've definitely come up with comebacks that are spontaneous. For instance, I told my daughter that if she didn't behave, I'd give her inheritance to a donkey sanctuary. She said, 'You wouldn't', and I came back, 'You bet your ass!' But though I hadn't used that comeback before, I clearly had knowledge of the pun and might have used something similar in the past."
She also pointed out something that honestly took me by surprise: "When it comes to stand-up, a lot of heckle putdowns are scripted and shared among comics." And here I thought that heckles were all instinctive and natural. I'll have to rethink some stuff about my fave comedians now.
Love This Guy
Idk If This Has Been Posted Before, But I Love His Little Smile
People Really Live In Their Own Little Bubbles
Ariane said that the line between a regular comeback and one that makes us snort into our cups of tea is clear for everyone to see. "It needs to be very fast, well-timed, and take people by surprise as well as being clever, witty, and immediately understandable." So no pressure then!
The beauty of comedy, according to Ariane, is that (sometimes) our subconscious mind kicks in and takes us by surprise, along with the audience. "But that's relatively rare in my experience. I'm sure many other comics are more natural than I am!
Please Wear A Mask And Stay Safe
A mask protects people from you. It doesn't protect you from other people. Since you are contagious before having symptoms, you wear a mask to prevent being a spreader.
The CDC recently announced cloth masks do provide two-way protection. https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/more/masking-science-sars-cov2.html
The bigger issue is that people have gown to be so selfish, they can't even comprehend making a minor sacrifice to benefit their fellow humans.
Load More Replies...
If a surgeon can wear one for 7 hours to reconstruct a patient's knee, you can wear one for 12 minutes to buy asparagus at Walmart.
That's not how our masks work. They're to protect OTHER PEOPLE from YOU. Not the other way round. If you're in healthcare, then you may have ones that protect you.
THIS... so much THIS!! These anti-maskers are so much like anti-vaxxers... all they do is repeat a false information talking point, with no genuine foundation of understanding.
Load More Replies...
Do these idjits not understand that we wear masks to protect each other? Try reading up on things instead of relying on information that comes from people COMPLETELY UNQUALIFIED to give out valid advice.
Actually, your masks protects everyone else but yourself. If you wear a mask in the presence of somebody who does not, you are the one in danger.
Oh, very good, I like this one lol! I just can't wrap my head around these people who won't wear a bloody mask! And, I'm not just blaming Americans for it, trust me, there are people in loads of other countries who also refuse point blank to wear a mask but it seems to have gotten out of control in the US! It's became a political statement, a sign of their "freedom" not wearing one, and so on! It's nuts! I'm in Scotland, any time I go to the shop for my groceries every single person in the shop is wearing a mask! Just stop being selfish, show a little respect for the people around you, help your healthcare workers out by wearing a mask and slowing the spread of the virus! It's not difficult, it's not a hardship, just wear a bloody mask and adhere to the protocols that are in place to keep EVERYONE, including yourself, safe! PLEASE!!
"They" don't seem to understand that wearing a mask is not about being protected against the virus, it's about protecting your fellow man. But it only is what can be expected of selfish ignorant trumplets. A nice experiment would be to lock them all in a stadium with no masks and just let nature take its course.
do you mind if I take off my clothes?Your clothes work,right?
If your in the hospital bed, why would you care that I don't have any medical experience? There are doctors here.
A man on a cruise ship with a cabin below the water line drills through the wall and water starts rushing in. It's his cabin, right?
Some of these comments, (yes, yours, Foxxy (The Original)), are funnier than the comebacks. Well done matey. 🤣🤣🤣🤣
I bombed his ferrari and got him bankrupt .the closest he evere got to getting rich was when he spent his last penny
So you naturally ASSUME that people not wearing masks are dangerous w/o having any idea about them?
Yes. You f-u-c-king idiot! During a pandemic any human being is a potential disease vector. Take a science class, you absolute moron.
Load More Replies...
You're The Problem
Thank You Andy Wang!
cultural gatekeeping has got to be the dumbest thing I have ever seen. The best and most inclusive societies culturally appropriate all. the. time.
The ‘Clever Comebacks’ community was founded in January 2018 and will be celebrating its 3-year anniversary very soon. In that time, they’ve amassed nearly 679k loyal members who are practicing the ancient art of the perfect comeback.
Personally, I think that comebacks are all about accurate, piercing, rapier-like wit. And the essence of wit is brevity, spontaneity, and stating the truth. It’s not a comeback if you spend an hour thinking about it and then another hour writing it out. Comebacks are the sniper rifles of the verbal battlefield. Not shotguns. Not machine guns. It’s all about one phrase—one roast.
The BBC tends to agree with my point of view. According to Rhea Wessel, witty comebacks can’t be planned—they can only be made in the moment. And timing is everything. Even if you come up with the perfect thing you could’ve said while you’re in the shower a day later, that amazing comeback is useless now. Too little. Too late.
I Don’t Care If Repost Made Me Laugh
British Museum
That’s actually the beauty of comebacks. Sometimes, you end up just as surprised by your wit as everyone else is. It’s like, for a single beautiful moment, the Spirit of Absolute Roasting possessed you and gave you glorious guidance.
Abigail Paul, the artistic director at the Theatre Language Studio in Frankfurt, told the BBC that we can improve our wit by giving ourselves just a bit of extra time to craft a great answer. Strangely enough, that involves becoming a better listener. We need to train ourselves to listen to others and respond appropriately, instead of tuning out and only thinking about the points we want to make in the discussion. That way, you’ll be more than ready to mount a witty defense because you won’t be caught unaware.
This Is A Really Good Reply To Trump's Tweet
Raw Skiny Jeans Bat
Useless Trees
What An Awful Way To Protect The Elderly
Rage Against Something
Actions Speak Louder Than Words.
Separate Payments
They Also Don't Come In Exciting Anime
Depression vs. Asthma
Big Footprints To Fill
Not Mine But On Point
Another Reason To Love The Beatles
Elite Finish
What kind of relationship is that. We don’t have his money or my money, it is OUR money.
Flameproofing? But My House Isn't On Fire!
Flat Earthers Make Me Happy Because I Know I'm Not A Complete Failure
Is this just a joke to tease flat earthers or do flat earthers actually use the “flat” horizon as their argument? Do they not realise that we can’t see the curve because the earth is so large.
Does This Count? The Author Actually Replied Back To Me Lmao
That Last Line Though
Left vs. Right
They Did Not See This Coming
Columbus Day
End up in a random aisle and whatever you find there is now "Indian Food."
Austin Powers Would Be Proud Of That Comeback
'im Tired Of Being Responsible For Something That Is Entirely My Resposibility.'
I Love Puns
Who’ll Email You When You Block Him
Can't Get Any More Clever Than This
I will never have the guts to send a reply like that, but by Golly, I wish I would ...
Invasive Species
Don’t Boast About Your Iq Test
Oof! British People Be Like...
Honesty Is The Best Policy
I Mean, He's Not Wrong ..
Depends On Who Writes The Comic
Boomer vs. Millenial
It’s Funny Because It’s True
She Isn’t A Walking Womb
F**k this molyneux d**k. He was banned from speaking here (new zealand) in 2018 I think, the brainless monstrous mosque shooter donated to his causes and his petition to be allowed to do his stupid speaking event in NZ. Then murdered the innocent souls in cold blood at one of our mosques. So that's the kind of person who supports this fuckwad. No thanks. (NB not meaning to mislead, I'm personally agnostic, but say "our mosques" just as I would say "our churches/synagogues/temples/etc". A kiwi is a kiwi. A person is a person.)
Weird Motives
I wonder if the so called "1st world" countries know that here in the 3rd world, we drive both and are required to pass your driving test using a stick shift
Especially Clever
If everyone starts using the toilet marked “ me” then “ everyone else “ would be left clean...
Facebook Comeback
The waiter is providing a valuable service with very little likelihood of customer death.
Quite Funny To Be Honest
Rip To This Antivaxxer
That's A No Brainer
Forgot To Add That As A Poll Option
Tomi, Absolutely Destroyed.
Bryan Is Probably Still A Virgin To This Day
Have Fun With Your New Profession.
Yeah, Who Cares About White Supremacy, Amirite?
Come On Judge
Honestly Wish I Had This Comeback With Half The Idiots Ive Been With.
If he's not willing to have a condom on, he's not worth to have sex with. Simple as that. It means he values your health way less than his potential pleasure. In a committed relationship where you agree on a different contraceptive (if you don't wish to get pregnant) and get tested for STIs beforehand, sure. But never with a casual sex partner.
Task Failed Successfully
Should Have Seen That Coming Eleanor
The "Ok, boomer" thing just needs to die. When will people see that this generational war is serving no one?
Profit Before Health?
No Expense was Spared on Covid supplies. We might, however, have not paid the programmer...
James Ain’t Holding None Back
I love these guys and their inability to notice, in their search for rare Pokemon to steal, they that have a friggin talking Pokemon that can translate to English. Like the only one I'm aware of. Ah well, still loved that show when it came out
Best Way To Respond To A Hater
That's Not How It Works Karen
Well... There's the Rotavirus vaccine, taken orally. Just like the polio one.
Can Somebody Cashapp Me A Dang Pizza?
Right Back In His Face
The sooner you Americans wake up to the fact that you have and are still being fleeced / robbed by the very system that is supposed to help you when you and your families are in need of healthcare through no fault of your own, the better. There is no other country in the World - mostly - that would stand idly by and let some of it's most vulnerable and sickest citizens suffer and die because they don't have the correct 'insurance'. Not only is it cruel but also uncaring and downright sadistic...... Glad I live in a half way decent country ....
Stupid Millennials
Oof Size Large
Praise Be To Sony
The word murder also doesn't appear in the Constitution. But it's still not right. Genocide too. Oh, and Holocaust
I See A Sad Pig Too
Greta On Fire
God Damn I Know That Hurt
"Millenials Are Killing The Big House Market"
I'm sorry, but someone whose biggest problem is "Woe is me, I can't sell my mansion" doesn't garner a lot of my sympathy.
Nudes For Dudes
Dread It. Run From It.
Today’s movie villains are concerned about the environment/over population ...Like the James Bond villain trying to secure an underground water reservoir to sell in the future...that’s just sad... trying to show environmentalists have some hidden agenda to take over the world.
I Can’t Remember
Found The Reason Why
This was always odd to me when I saw it in films, because people were living in houses. If I tried leave through my bedroom window, I would have fallen to death from my apartment building.
Yeah Let’s Keep Doing That.
Someone Has Been Stealing A Few Eggplants, Huh?
Money Beats Brawn
I don’t know who either of them are but that made me giggle something awful. 😂
Y = Mx + B For ?
No, it says how many friends you can take and give a round. The rest you leech off them. See, math is useless, mooching is the way.
C- C- Cons- Consent?
Don’t come to Aus then, the C word is used countless times in a sentence.
Simply Ranting A Nation Because You Have A Typical Stock Image Of It In Your Head
I feel this is inaccurate. Identifying an outbreak of a known virus is different from identifying a new virus which can't be tested for. China certainly doesn't deserve any praise for silencing the first worried doctors, it does for the fast shutdown and for sharing information on the virus. But in the end I don't think this could have been contained by any country, there were far too many people without symptoms. Even with warning and tests available most countries failed to contain it.
Gotta Get Home
These are all excellent, but the Roomba one made me nearly spit coffee.
Yes, great burns! But I had to google "Roomba" because I thought this was one of the 50% of wild species I just do not know by name :-)
Load More Replies...
I‘ve got a comeback story, but I am not sure if you can call it good. Could some jewish persons please tell me if it is insulting or something? Or maybe you even like it? God, I really don‘t know if I should post it, but I am curious about your reactions. I‘ve heared it only second hand. You have to know beforehand, that Germany has many imigrants. Especially from Turkey. And some of them do not really integrate in our society. If I remember correctly the president of Turkey even demanded that Germany should build Schools for the Turkish living here.... but I might have misunderstood that. Nevertheless, some Germans are a bit ... miffed about the Turkish here. Anyway, here is the story: In an underground train in Germany some Turkish teens come in and make a ruckus. An old german Lady asks them to be quiet or mind their manners or something. But they don‘t listen. Insted they tell her that the Turkish will take over Germany anyway. //part 1
//part 3: obviously this is not funny in regard of the jews part, but it is a „good“ comeback in that situation.... or isn‘t it? Please tell me what you think! I don‘t even know if this story is true or an urban legend.
Load More Replies... 
"Coronavirus is a fraud! It's just the flu!" According to the CDC, last year there were less than 34,000 deaths from influenza. This year we are over 300,000 deaths. No matter what you call it, it isn't good.
if 90% of the people reading BP either find this funny, or just roll their eyes and move on... it isn't polarizing... upsetting *you* isn't the definition of polarizing, when you clearly represent a fringe group.
Load More Replies...
These are all excellent, but the Roomba one made me nearly spit coffee.
Yes, great burns! But I had to google "Roomba" because I thought this was one of the 50% of wild species I just do not know by name :-)
Load More Replies... I‘ve got a comeback story, but I am not sure if you can call it good. Could some jewish persons please tell me if it is insulting or something? Or maybe you even like it? God, I really don‘t know if I should post it, but I am curious about your reactions. I‘ve heared it only second hand. You have to know beforehand, that Germany has many imigrants. Especially from Turkey. And some of them do not really integrate in our society. If I remember correctly the president of Turkey even demanded that Germany should build Schools for the Turkish living here.... but I might have misunderstood that. Nevertheless, some Germans are a bit ... miffed about the Turkish here. Anyway, here is the story: In an underground train in Germany some Turkish teens come in and make a ruckus. An old german Lady asks them to be quiet or mind their manners or something. But they don‘t listen. Insted they tell her that the Turkish will take over Germany anyway. //part 1
//part 3: obviously this is not funny in regard of the jews part, but it is a „good“ comeback in that situation.... or isn‘t it? Please tell me what you think! I don‘t even know if this story is true or an urban legend.
Load More Replies... "Coronavirus is a fraud! It's just the flu!" According to the CDC, last year there were less than 34,000 deaths from influenza. This year we are over 300,000 deaths. No matter what you call it, it isn't good.
if 90% of the people reading BP either find this funny, or just roll their eyes and move on... it isn't polarizing... upsetting *you* isn't the definition of polarizing, when you clearly represent a fringe group.
Load More Replies... 