BF Refuses To Help Pay For Parking Spot Since He Doesn’t Drive, Leaves GF Confused
Every relationship requires people to compromise. Whether it’s about which side up the toilet paper should be or what to eat for dinner, couples have to learn to adjust as they live together. When one person in the relationship is differently abled, their partner might need to compromise more.
But is that always fair? One couple got into an argument over parking costs. The girlfriend felt it was fair that the boyfriend should pitch in to cover half of the fee, even though he is legally blind. However, he didn’t feel it was fair and refused. At first, the woman backed down but later started doubting her reaction. She weighed the reasons she thought his pitching in would be fair and decided to double-check with the Internet.
Blind people experience the world differently, so their partners might need to compromise more often
Image credits: sedrik2007 / envatoelements (not the actual photo)
This girlfriend wanted her boyfriend to help cover parking costs, but he refused
Image credits: bilanol / envatoelements (not the actual photo)
Image credits: petruninsphotos / envatoelements (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Inside_Version4898
Compromising is essential to all relationships, whether one partner is blind or not
Image credits: KATRIN BOLOVTSOVA / pexels (not the actual photo)
The issue for this couple here seems to be about compromising rather than about the parking fee. Yes, the boyfriend might not be willing to spend his money on a service he doesn’t directly use. But the girlfriend’s list of things she conceded so that the couple could move to a place of the boyfriend’s choosing indicates that he might not be willing to compromise.
Experts point out that communication in relationships is key, especially when one person in the couple has a disability. Relationships are often about giving and taking, and it wouldn’t be fair to ask one person to make more sacrifices.
The author of Cleaning Up Your Mental Mess, Dr. Caroline Leaf, writes that compromise is not a one-way street. “Everyone involved needs to try to understand the other person and the reason they want something a certain way.”
From what the woman wrote in her post, it seems that she thinks she’s conceding more to her boyfriend’s demands because of his disability. And while perfect relationships don’t exist and it’s practically impossible to agree on everything all the time, partners can draw boundaries.
“The key is to find ways to give each other space to be individuals while being intentional about creating shared experiences and values that allow you both to connect meaningfully is important in any relationship,” Dr. Leaf writes.
When partners think of one’s disability as shared, it can strengthen their bond
Image credits: Judita Mikalkevičė / pexels (not the actual photo)
Relationships where one person has a disability, of course, differ from the ones where both partners are equally physically abled. Romantic relationships often become harder because of the disabled partner’s fear of dependency, loss of identity, and potentially diminished relationships.
Research shows that when couples think of the disability as shared, relationships might be more successful. Scientists call this ‘dyadic coping.’ Psychologist Isabella Bertschi led a study where she claimed that dyadic coping can help “alleviate stress and promote adjustment in couples who face disabling health impairments.”
However, achieving that we-ness is easier said than done. Mary Sanders, LMFT, told Next Avenue that the healthy partner might feel guilt and shame. “It’s very intimidating for them to share their fears, their grief and anger,” she said. They might think: “He’s going through so much: I don’t want to burden him with my feelings.”
Bertschi explains that it’s the opposite. Sharing doubts and fears can strengthen the relationship. Not communicating your needs and wants, she says, “undermines trust in the relationship.”
Perhaps, in this case, the boyfriend should consider dyadic coping. If the couple shares the struggles of his disability together, he could pitch in and help his girlfriend cover half of the parking fee, couldn’t he?
People said the girlfriend wasn’t the jerk here, and the couple needed to discuss the issue more
Poll Question
Thanks! Check out the results:
Subscribe to Access
Exclusive Polls
By entering your email and clicking Subscribe, you're agreeing to let us send you customized marketing messages about us and our advertising partners. You are also agreeing to our Privacy Policy.
Thank you! You've successfully subscribed to newsletters!
You May Also Like
Woman Refuses To Chip In For Babysitting Because She Doesn’t Even Have Kids, Asks If She’s A Jerk
Do you think childless individuals should be expected to chip in for group babysitting costs during friend gatherings?
17 Y.O. Is Done Sharing Her Birthday With Her Late Twin, Parents Are Not Having It
Do you think the girl should be allowed to celebrate her birthday without the remembrance of her deceased twin?
This is easy. He doesn't feel as if he has any responsibility for the car so, when wants to go anywhere, charge him taxi rates. He's already decided that the move benefits him immensely and you're to go along with it even though you don't seem to be gaining anything from it. Your feelings are being ignored and it won't get any better. You know what to do.
I think the issue here is much deeper than whether he wants to split the cost of the parking spot or not. The move itself is the issue - OP doesn't want to move but is agreeing to move to make her partner happy (or at least happier). However, it sounds like she herself will be unhappy (or at least less happy than she is now). Compromise is important in a relationship, but this isn't compromise. Compromise would be moving somewhere where both parties are happy and feel safe. Being unhappy yourself to make your partner happy isn't compromise, it isn't healthy and will only breed resentment. Then the issue of not contributing to the parking spot is something else... quite selfish on his side i think, assuming he enjoys the benefits of owning the car as well.
I hate to say it, but he sounds like he's weaponising his disability to some extent. Maybe without realising it, maybe deliberately. But he's getting her to make concessions because it'll be easier for him and she feels guilty not making those concessions. Not time to break up just yet, but they definitely need to have a more serious talk about expectations.
Load More Replies... 
Living with a disability does not mean you get to be a jerk. So he is fine with moving into an unsafe area, putting YOU at risk because he is bored? Wow. And he is fine with you runing your errands and driving him around but won't share the expense for parking. Nope. Let him move alone.
as a tangent on this I think it's interesting how OP would feel safer with her blind BF than walking alone. If anything he'd be a bigger target for muggings. I have a feeling he's going to want to use the car a lot more than he says he will now. In my opinion if this is such a big thing for him then he can pay half the parking if he can afford to, if he refuses and still refuses to stay then perhaps they're not all that compatible, especially not when he uses his condition to pretty much strongarm/manipulate OP to do what he wants
Load More Replies...
Normally I disagree with the internet default suggestion to break up with someone, but in this case I think she should let him move, but she stay where she is.
I have to agree, he's using his disability as ground for all of this making it difficult for op to say no without sounding like the bad guy. He hides behind being blind when his real reason is that he wants to go out and have fun more.
Load More Replies... Even if he doesn't drive, if he needs to be taken to places by car, or if "someone" needs a car for basic stuff that also benefits him, like going shopping for food, then he definitely must contribute to that expense. If he doesn't want to pay for parking the car because he doesn't drive, start charging him for taking him to places, and for going shopping, not only the petrol but also your time. He sounds like a jerk, though. Better alone than in bad company.
If the area isn't safe for a healthy able-bodied woman, I would find it strange bordering on unbelievable that it's a safe place to walk for a blind man.
Legally blind doesn't always equal blind. My grandmother is legally blind but she can still see some. But it doesn't seem safe, I agree with you there.
Load More Replies... Do not move somewhere you do not want to live for a guy who obviously does not care that much about what you want.
He is comfortable asking partner to uproot and move cities, but is insulted when discussing parking? That doesn't add up. What do we do with our car is as valid a topic of discussion as commutes, roommates, and house requirements. He treats his partner like a roommate, not a partner.
Maybe he thinks he relies on her less than he does and wants to prioritize himself? It kinda sounds like he wants to be "young and fun" without thinking about how the world looks like
Load More Replies...
This is like saying you shouldn't have to pay part of the rent because you never use the kitchen since your partner does all the cooking. Its included part of the shared space. Just because you take showers instead of baths you don't get a discount for only using the one bathroom.
My wife doesn’t drive. Because she benefits so much from me driving us places (including places I would otherwise expect her to take herself without me) she handles most of the things like our parking permit, submitting registration, pumping gas when we go somewhere together, etc. I wonder if this guy is even paying for half the gas when they drive somewhere together!
My BFF is legally blind. When we travel, he pays for car rental and gas. Part of that is because he has more money than me, but the other part is he knows how stressful driving in strange places is for me, so he takes on that cost to show he values my contribution.
Have you done a cost comparison between how much more it's going to cost to live in the city (including taxis/ubers for both of you to get home from work in the evenings etc due to unsafe area) vs how much it would cost for your BF to take a taxi instead of the bus? You may find that it's actually cheaper and more convenient for both of you where you are now, if you budget for him to use a more convenient alternative. You could even put some of the $175 a month you'd save on parking towards his taxi budget, and still come out ahead.
When they were only dating, the blind guy who would eventually become my stepdad for a time bought my mom a completely brand new car, simply for his own convenience when he visited us (it was a long term relationship). These people are a couple that are sharing expenses and living arrangements. He benefits from the car, so it's not unreasonable that he should share in those expenses, too. Helping to pay for parking isn't that much when asking to share those expenses.
"He gave me a cold look..." I must admit i chuckled to myself a bit.
Sounds like someone has a disability-chip on their shoulder. Sounds like he couldn't handle having an invisible one, no one would be willing to cater to him then.
I found the original post on Reddit from 6 days ago (no resolve or answer.) However, I can't help but wonder if this relationship has a leg to stand on. Is this the only thing that he won't contribute to? Who does the cooking and cleaning? Does he feel that since he is impaired, he should not have to contribute to this too? This doesn't sound like a fulfilling relationship, rather one sided. Of course, we only get to judge on what OP writes. But based on (just) this - I see red flags.
I scrolled past the story and comments just to say that simple solution is not to drive him anywhere ...
Do not move THERE. You should agree on moving, but define a set of criteria that are essential and a set of criteria that are desirable, but not crucial. Whatever meets this, is only qualified for candidacy, it doesn't grant a move. I don't think that switching who does and who doesn't like where you live leads anywhere, but opens a lot of undesirable possibilities. I mean ... yes, agree to move ... but don't rush it, and don't take turns in hating where you live. Also, get straight how you handle having a car. Not being able to drive does not mean not benefitting from having one. Man, wouldn't I have a cat, not having a car would be an option to seriously consider ... public transport to the vet, with a cat who hates being picked up ... she, of course, cannot drive, due to her size and her not knowing how to handle any vehicle ... got no license either, she ... but, besides, that is. Sort out what you expect, what you need, what sort of compromise you'd accept, aim for a reasonably symmetrical choice that doesn't pay back his disregard for your current situation by making yours worse, but seek something that is a plus for the both of you ... and then, parking and cost may and will come up again - sort that out. Giving and taking is also offering and receiving, and on that end, I think, you should have a serious talk regardless of moving or not. That done, start searching for a flat, apartment, house, whatever - and don't rush it. You should only move if you both, all in all, benefit from doing so. Otherwise, it's ... bound to fail.
I cannot imagine giving up the privacy of no roommate! Why would he be willing to do that! Very troubling.
look, OP doesn't want to move. Move is only for the bf's benefit. He wants her to pay higher rent to live in an apartment with the extra amenities bf desires, live in an unsafe neighborhood where she can't go for walks, and pay a huge amount for a parking space for her vehicle. All so bf can live close to the train station. The most reasonable response now is to say no to the move. Bf needs to find a place they can both afford, and that includes the parking spot. OP should not bankrupt herself accommodating bf, that's just not a reasonable ask on his part, much better to break up at that point.
OP writes that he hates the bus. Maybe it is because he hates travelling by car, and then it could be at the root of his refusal to be paying for a parking spot, as if he wished you didn't have a car at all? Otherwise I think he is just very selfish and you're NTA but rather more of a pushover than you should accept to be.
He's using his disability as an excuse to not pay for something he uses? I'm disabled and I try to pay my way whenever I need to go somewhere (people don't always accept gas money). I think she should probably think a bit more about thus guy... im nit saying she should leave him, but think carefully about the things he expects from her. It sounds like there may be a power imbalance where he uses his blindness as a tool of manipulation - yes that may be harsh, but disabled people can be AH as much as anyone else
I don't see what being blind has to do with 99% of the email. She wants to be in city A, he in city B, either break up or one suffers; just see if it's worth the compromise, all relationships are compromises. That said, the "get some counseling advice" --- I think a few sessions would cover the cost of a year's parking, so that might not add up... [Being blind makes a bus more scary as you can't see the obvious lunatic until you sit down next to them.]
He uses being blind as an excuse to try to guilt her into moving and to not pay for parking if they do. That's why it's relevant. He seems to primarily wants to move because he thinks the town is boring and he doesn't want to stay at home. And while I too hate taking the buss I wouldn't move myself and my partner into an area where they won't feel safe simply because I was bored and didn't like the bus
Load More Replies... This is easy. He doesn't feel as if he has any responsibility for the car so, when wants to go anywhere, charge him taxi rates. He's already decided that the move benefits him immensely and you're to go along with it even though you don't seem to be gaining anything from it. Your feelings are being ignored and it won't get any better. You know what to do.
I think the issue here is much deeper than whether he wants to split the cost of the parking spot or not. The move itself is the issue - OP doesn't want to move but is agreeing to move to make her partner happy (or at least happier). However, it sounds like she herself will be unhappy (or at least less happy than she is now). Compromise is important in a relationship, but this isn't compromise. Compromise would be moving somewhere where both parties are happy and feel safe. Being unhappy yourself to make your partner happy isn't compromise, it isn't healthy and will only breed resentment. Then the issue of not contributing to the parking spot is something else... quite selfish on his side i think, assuming he enjoys the benefits of owning the car as well.
I hate to say it, but he sounds like he's weaponising his disability to some extent. Maybe without realising it, maybe deliberately. But he's getting her to make concessions because it'll be easier for him and she feels guilty not making those concessions. Not time to break up just yet, but they definitely need to have a more serious talk about expectations.
Load More Replies... Living with a disability does not mean you get to be a jerk. So he is fine with moving into an unsafe area, putting YOU at risk because he is bored? Wow. And he is fine with you runing your errands and driving him around but won't share the expense for parking. Nope. Let him move alone.
as a tangent on this I think it's interesting how OP would feel safer with her blind BF than walking alone. If anything he'd be a bigger target for muggings. I have a feeling he's going to want to use the car a lot more than he says he will now. In my opinion if this is such a big thing for him then he can pay half the parking if he can afford to, if he refuses and still refuses to stay then perhaps they're not all that compatible, especially not when he uses his condition to pretty much strongarm/manipulate OP to do what he wants
Load More Replies... Normally I disagree with the internet default suggestion to break up with someone, but in this case I think she should let him move, but she stay where she is.
I have to agree, he's using his disability as ground for all of this making it difficult for op to say no without sounding like the bad guy. He hides behind being blind when his real reason is that he wants to go out and have fun more.
Load More Replies... Even if he doesn't drive, if he needs to be taken to places by car, or if "someone" needs a car for basic stuff that also benefits him, like going shopping for food, then he definitely must contribute to that expense. If he doesn't want to pay for parking the car because he doesn't drive, start charging him for taking him to places, and for going shopping, not only the petrol but also your time. He sounds like a jerk, though. Better alone than in bad company.
If the area isn't safe for a healthy able-bodied woman, I would find it strange bordering on unbelievable that it's a safe place to walk for a blind man.
Legally blind doesn't always equal blind. My grandmother is legally blind but she can still see some. But it doesn't seem safe, I agree with you there.
Load More Replies... Do not move somewhere you do not want to live for a guy who obviously does not care that much about what you want.
He is comfortable asking partner to uproot and move cities, but is insulted when discussing parking? That doesn't add up. What do we do with our car is as valid a topic of discussion as commutes, roommates, and house requirements. He treats his partner like a roommate, not a partner.
Maybe he thinks he relies on her less than he does and wants to prioritize himself? It kinda sounds like he wants to be "young and fun" without thinking about how the world looks like
Load More Replies... This is like saying you shouldn't have to pay part of the rent because you never use the kitchen since your partner does all the cooking. Its included part of the shared space. Just because you take showers instead of baths you don't get a discount for only using the one bathroom.
My wife doesn’t drive. Because she benefits so much from me driving us places (including places I would otherwise expect her to take herself without me) she handles most of the things like our parking permit, submitting registration, pumping gas when we go somewhere together, etc. I wonder if this guy is even paying for half the gas when they drive somewhere together!
My BFF is legally blind. When we travel, he pays for car rental and gas. Part of that is because he has more money than me, but the other part is he knows how stressful driving in strange places is for me, so he takes on that cost to show he values my contribution.
Have you done a cost comparison between how much more it's going to cost to live in the city (including taxis/ubers for both of you to get home from work in the evenings etc due to unsafe area) vs how much it would cost for your BF to take a taxi instead of the bus? You may find that it's actually cheaper and more convenient for both of you where you are now, if you budget for him to use a more convenient alternative. You could even put some of the $175 a month you'd save on parking towards his taxi budget, and still come out ahead.
When they were only dating, the blind guy who would eventually become my stepdad for a time bought my mom a completely brand new car, simply for his own convenience when he visited us (it was a long term relationship). These people are a couple that are sharing expenses and living arrangements. He benefits from the car, so it's not unreasonable that he should share in those expenses, too. Helping to pay for parking isn't that much when asking to share those expenses.
"He gave me a cold look..." I must admit i chuckled to myself a bit.
Sounds like someone has a disability-chip on their shoulder. Sounds like he couldn't handle having an invisible one, no one would be willing to cater to him then.
I found the original post on Reddit from 6 days ago (no resolve or answer.) However, I can't help but wonder if this relationship has a leg to stand on. Is this the only thing that he won't contribute to? Who does the cooking and cleaning? Does he feel that since he is impaired, he should not have to contribute to this too? This doesn't sound like a fulfilling relationship, rather one sided. Of course, we only get to judge on what OP writes. But based on (just) this - I see red flags.
I scrolled past the story and comments just to say that simple solution is not to drive him anywhere ...
Do not move THERE. You should agree on moving, but define a set of criteria that are essential and a set of criteria that are desirable, but not crucial. Whatever meets this, is only qualified for candidacy, it doesn't grant a move. I don't think that switching who does and who doesn't like where you live leads anywhere, but opens a lot of undesirable possibilities. I mean ... yes, agree to move ... but don't rush it, and don't take turns in hating where you live. Also, get straight how you handle having a car. Not being able to drive does not mean not benefitting from having one. Man, wouldn't I have a cat, not having a car would be an option to seriously consider ... public transport to the vet, with a cat who hates being picked up ... she, of course, cannot drive, due to her size and her not knowing how to handle any vehicle ... got no license either, she ... but, besides, that is. Sort out what you expect, what you need, what sort of compromise you'd accept, aim for a reasonably symmetrical choice that doesn't pay back his disregard for your current situation by making yours worse, but seek something that is a plus for the both of you ... and then, parking and cost may and will come up again - sort that out. Giving and taking is also offering and receiving, and on that end, I think, you should have a serious talk regardless of moving or not. That done, start searching for a flat, apartment, house, whatever - and don't rush it. You should only move if you both, all in all, benefit from doing so. Otherwise, it's ... bound to fail.
I cannot imagine giving up the privacy of no roommate! Why would he be willing to do that! Very troubling.
look, OP doesn't want to move. Move is only for the bf's benefit. He wants her to pay higher rent to live in an apartment with the extra amenities bf desires, live in an unsafe neighborhood where she can't go for walks, and pay a huge amount for a parking space for her vehicle. All so bf can live close to the train station. The most reasonable response now is to say no to the move. Bf needs to find a place they can both afford, and that includes the parking spot. OP should not bankrupt herself accommodating bf, that's just not a reasonable ask on his part, much better to break up at that point.
OP writes that he hates the bus. Maybe it is because he hates travelling by car, and then it could be at the root of his refusal to be paying for a parking spot, as if he wished you didn't have a car at all? Otherwise I think he is just very selfish and you're NTA but rather more of a pushover than you should accept to be.
He's using his disability as an excuse to not pay for something he uses? I'm disabled and I try to pay my way whenever I need to go somewhere (people don't always accept gas money). I think she should probably think a bit more about thus guy... im nit saying she should leave him, but think carefully about the things he expects from her. It sounds like there may be a power imbalance where he uses his blindness as a tool of manipulation - yes that may be harsh, but disabled people can be AH as much as anyone else
I don't see what being blind has to do with 99% of the email. She wants to be in city A, he in city B, either break up or one suffers; just see if it's worth the compromise, all relationships are compromises. That said, the "get some counseling advice" --- I think a few sessions would cover the cost of a year's parking, so that might not add up... [Being blind makes a bus more scary as you can't see the obvious lunatic until you sit down next to them.]
He uses being blind as an excuse to try to guilt her into moving and to not pay for parking if they do. That's why it's relevant. He seems to primarily wants to move because he thinks the town is boring and he doesn't want to stay at home. And while I too hate taking the buss I wouldn't move myself and my partner into an area where they won't feel safe simply because I was bored and didn't like the bus
Load More Replies...
41
46