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Since we were little, we all knew that insulting someone or calling names was a big no-no. However, life is full of big no-no’s, and to counteract some of them, you have to use them for your own good. And an insult is probably one of the most used of forbiddens in the life of an adult.
However, we are not talking here about calling someone a beaner bronco buster or something by far nastier - the insults in our list will make the receiver shiver from your intelligence, quiver at their own incompetence, and feel the undeniable superiority of your wit. Yes, here they are, the best insults ever recorded on the internet, delivered fresh & hot right to your screen.
Knowing fully well that by spreading nasty, you only get nasty back, we’ve figured out that calling someone to get back to Earth requires certain finesse and flair; thus, calling someone a phallus head does not make it into our list.
Instead, these comebacks are as subtle as Claude Debussy’s Clair de Lune, as camouflaged as the workings of Sherlock Holmes, and as smart as Albert Einstein himself. Oh, also, as beautifully versed as the sonnets of mister William! So, we bet that out of these original insults, you’ll definitely find one to put in your pocket and air out when needed.
Well, are you ready to check out our list of the best insults ever? If so, clear up a few RAMs worth of space in your coconut for memorization and skip to the comebacks just a bit further down. Once you are there, vote for the funniest insults and share this article with anyone in need.
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#1
The Best Insults That Are Brutal But Brilliant
I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you.
Debrina Blackmoon 3 years ago
Yes, you can't actually offend someone with it.
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RELATED:
#2
I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and poop out a smarter statement than whatever you just said.
Debrina Blackmoon 3 years ago
Also, farts are smarter than some "people". Or smart compared to them.
#3
May both sides of your pillow be uncomfortably warm.
Good Luckas 3 years ago
HOW COULD YOU WELL I CURSE YOU FROM THE DEEPEST, DARKEST PITS OF HELL! wait that’s still not as bad as yours.
dexter howey 2 years ago
thats just weird: heres a good one! You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with you. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot.
dexter howey 2 years ago
thats just weird. heres a good one! You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with you. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot.
#4
I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.
#5
Don’t you get tired of putting makeup on your two faces every morning?
Cory Tollman 3 years ago
You remind me of the Roman god of beginnings, doorways (and a slew of other stuff).
#6
Keep rolling your eyes, you might eventually find a brain.
Cory Tollman 3 years ago
Or, perhaps it was short but very difficult in maintaining its course.
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#7
I’m glad to see you’re not letting education get in the way of your ignorance.
#8
Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parent’s job.
Riley Warrick 3 years ago
Well, my parents said I could be what ever I wanted to be, so I became a disappointment.
#9
I get so emotional when you're not around. That emotion is happiness.
#10
I am returning your nose. I found it in my business.
*Displayname*=idk 3 years ago
I heard this one before and have been patiently waiting to use it..
Jerry Ryan 3 years ago (edited)
I asked coworker one time if he had trouble breathing through his nose(he inhaled deeply with his nose) said nope I said oh I thought with your nose so far up the bosses ash you'd mite have trouble with that. the boss laughed so hard his eyes started to water
Ashley Spurlock 3 years ago
If only I could use this on my mom... (And not get f*****g killed)
#11
You are so ugly that when your mom dropped you off at school, she got a ticket for littering.
Jerry Ryan 3 years ago (edited)
I've been called ugly and stupid once or twice by same person and my reply was you're right it's because my mom beat me stupid with a ugly stick ( I found out a long time ago if you take the ammo away from a bully they usually will just go way)
David Paetznick 3 years ago
Oh Yeah! I avoided so many fights with humor and/or insulting myself.
Load More Replies... Jasia Pucio 3 years ago
Looks are something you can't do much about. So maybe not a good remark.
#12
I’m jealous of all the people who haven’t met you.
#13
You are the human version of period cramps.
Metalhead Turtle 🇺🇦 3 years ago
I can't tell if that's a Fatality* or not. *Mortal Kombat quote for those who don't know
#14
You've only got 2 brain cells and they are both fighting for 3rd place.
Mike diRoma 3 years ago
One of my favorites is: “You had a thought once, but it died of loneliness “.
Jerry Ryan 3 years ago
Or you got two brain cells one is on life support and your stupidity is killing the second one
Eric Diggs 2 years ago
Hold the phone. Chuck Norris just called. He wants the person who made this insult to be Chick Norris (And Yes, I put Chick Norris For a reason.)
Albert Muskin 3 years ago
Ha , there both gonna get 3rd place for how useless those 2 brain cells are lol
Jennifer Hunter 3 years ago
I always used "You've only got two brain cells; one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
#15
Isn’t it dangerous to use your whole vocabulary in one sentence?
#16
You couldn't pour water out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel.
Melissa Boufford 3 years ago
My Grandmother used to say this but her verbiage didn’t include ‘water’.
IamMe 3 years ago
Mine, too! Instead of water, it was something that rhymes with miss.
Load More Replies... Melissa Schermerhorn 3 years ago
The phrase I've heard is "couldn't pour p**s of of a boot with instructions written on the heel". I read it in Killer Angels.
Crystalwitch60 4 months ago
Or uk version lol you couldn’t organise a p I s s. Up in a brewery lol
James G. Currie 3 years ago
Ancient... I remember reading that one in an old book first printed in the first half of the 20th.
#17
I told my therapist about you.
Katherine Boag 3 years ago
I mean, you need to tell your therapist about the people you spend the most time with anyway, whether theyre a good or bad influence on your mental health
#18
You are proof God has a sense of humor.
Good Luckas 3 years ago
“Hmmmm let’s see…..what if I do a human with ALL BAD STATS!! Wouldn’t that be hilarious!? Yeah let’s do it!”
#19
I bet your mom doesn’t put your coloring pages on the fridge.
#20
I thought of you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.
#21
The Best Insults That Are So Good, They Should Be Illegal
You’re about as useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
Claire Ferguson 3 years ago
an ashtray is something to put cigarettes out in, you wouldn't need one on a motorbike because the wind would just blow it away, so they are useless.
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#22
You're so ugly even Stephen King has nightmares about you.
SoloDadof3 3 years ago
You're so ugly you sneak up to a mirror so as not to scare your reflection!
Sinead Kenny 3 years ago
Your gifted.. the ugly tree passed you back and said it couldn't improve on perfection... Just made that up from what's written above. Any responses??? Good or forget it??? Ty
marianne eliza 3 years ago
I have to down this one. A person's looks are the result of their genetic background. Don't shame a person for something they have no control over. That's as valid as complaining about someone's natural hair color or eye color or physical disability. Or in the old days, blaming the child for being born out of wedlock. Be kind.
SpongeBob Squarepants 2 years ago
I bet you're so ugly you walked inside a haunted house and came out with a job application
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#23
Oh, you don’t like being treated the way you treat me? That must suck.
Microwaved Robot 5 months ago
I used this in the early '90s on my husband (now X) Was the start of the end for him!
#24
Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all the stupid people.
Jerry Ryan 3 years ago
Did you know way back in time they used a test on immigrants to tell if they classified as idiots.there was more categories but I just remember this one
#25
You must have been born on a highway. That’s where most accidents happen.
#26
Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything.
Sinead Kenny 3 years ago
Or something like g00g3l coz they want it to be original or something like that....
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Pete Häkkinen 3 years ago
Google doesn't know s**t, it just suggests sources that might know s**t.
Jerry Ryan 3 years ago
What if they googled it before telling you about it? I love google because all the answers in my pocket some times it proves me right and some times it proves me wrong
#27
If genius skips a generation, your children will be brilliant.
#28
You’re a gray sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake.
Phoenix CP 3 years ago
thought it said gay sprinkle n i was like.. but the whole thing is gay??
#29
I love what you’ve done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of your nostrils like that?
#30
Yeah? Well, you smell like hot dog water.
*Displayname*=idk 3 years ago
Someone said this to a friend of mine. That got shut down real quick and it was never said to that person again.
Cristoforo D'Bertone 3 years ago
A beaner bronco buster? That was way more offensive because it’s racist.
#31
Funny But Savage Insults To Use With Style
I’d give you a nasty look, but you’ve already got one.
#32
You're like the water that comes out of the ketchup bottle.
#34
I wish I had a flip phone, so I could slam it shut on this conversation.
BAWK BAWK BAKAW 3 years ago
i mean if you're REALLY fed up w them you can just C R U N C H your phone in half
Poeha 3 years ago (edited)
Not as good as a real old fashioned phone. Bam. Peep peep peep peep peep. You could use force when you were really mad. Satisfying lol.
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#35
You are like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.
#36
You’re the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.
#37
Smart Insults That Cut Deep Without Swearing
You should carry a plant around with you to replace the oxygen you waste.
#38
You’re the reason God created the middle finger.
*Displayname*=idk 3 years ago
I've seen this one before. I actually said this before too! That persons face was priceless!
#39
You must be the arithmetic man - you add trouble, subtract pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance.
#40
If you’re going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.
#41
Light travels faster than sound which is why you seemed bright until you spoke.
#42
It’s impossible to underestimate you.
#43
I’ll never forget the first time we met. But I’ll keep trying.
#44
Your face is just fine, but we’ll have to put a bag over that personality.
Phoenix CP 3 years ago
i like this one. insulting the face is just mean, the personality is something they can, hopefully, change
#45
I hope your wife brings a date to your funeral.
#46
I will ignore you so hard you will start doubting your existence.
#48
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
TrashPandaSociety 3 years ago
I like "I don't have the time or the crayons to explain this to you."
TrashPandaSociety 3 years ago
It means the recipient is too under educated, like a kindergartner.
Load More Replies... #49
You are a fart factory, slug-slimed sack of rat guts in cat vomit. A cheesy scab picked pimple squeezing finger bandage. A week old maggot burger with everything on it and flies on the side.
Sam Juan 3 years ago
I feel like this is the missing verse in the song "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch"
Serendipity Halliwell 3 years ago (edited)
Peter Pan.. The kid with the mohawk... was this part of the insult battle?
#50
I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
Riley Warrick 3 years ago
Ha good one, will try to find a n opportunity to say this to an annoying boy that tries(and fails miserably) to flirt with me.
rock star 5 months ago
I don't think any boy will flirt with you in the first place lol😭😂. But it's ok to live in your fantasies
Load More Replies... #51
I would prefer a battle of wits, but you appear unarmed.
Wicked Moon216 3 years ago
This sounds like something Peter Dinklage would have said in Game of Thrones!
#52
Somewhere, somehow, you are robbing a village of their idiot.
MicrowaveGoddess 3 years ago
I'm getting Klaus Hargreeves from this. "You are depriving some village of their idiot!"
Load More Replies... #53
If there was a market for bad ideas I'd want drilling rights to your head.
#54
You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.
*Displayname*=idk 3 years ago (edited)
Actually some pretzels are just fine if unsalted. But they have to be hot and buttery. (But still not as good as salted)
#56
You’re living proof it’s possible to live without a brain.
#57
Child, I’ve forgotten more than you ever knew.
#58
If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.
#60
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Weim Central 3 years ago
Mmm... spicy Ramen.. the version of this I like is "If I agree with you, will you shut up?!?"
Load More Replies... #61
Classic Insults That Never Go Out Of Style
When I see your face, there’s not a thing that I would change… Except the direction I was walking in.
#62
You should really come with a warning label.
*Displayname*=idk 3 years ago (edited)
a kid in middle school said "I should come with a warning sign" then another kid nearby replied "your face is the warning sign. " I tried not to die laughing at the time!
#63
Stupidity isn’t a crime, so you’re free to go.
*Displayname*=idk 3 years ago
If I change it to "your lucky stupidity is not a crime" is it still a good roast?
David Paetznick 3 years ago
I just KNEW Trump wouldn't go to jail for insurrection, plotting to overthrow the government, and inciting a riot.
#64
The people who tolerate you on a daily basis are the real heroes.
*Displayname*=idk 3 years ago
What emoji is that? I've never seen that one? (Not in a mean way just curious?)
Load More Replies... #65
You push a lot of doors that say 'pull', don't you?
#66
Hey, you have something on your chin. No, the 3rd one down.
#67
I would never date you. I’m lonely, not desperate.
#69
I will slap you so hard even Google won’t be able to find you.
#72
Oops, my bad. I could’ve sworn I was dealing with an adult.
Riley-Jane McCord 3 years ago
like if you're talking to an ADULT.. but they're not acting like one..
Load More Replies... #73
You have so many gaps in your teeth it looks like your tongue is in jail.
#74
If your brain was dynamite, there wouldn’t be enough to blow your hat off.
#76
OH MY GOD! IT SPEAKS!
*Displayname*=idk 3 years ago
My sisters when I come downstairs in the morning (I enjoy sleeping in when possible). They usually say "OMG ITS ALIVE!". All good times 👍
#77
I forgot the world revolves around you. My apologies, how silly of me.
Eat Dirt Crow 3 years ago
The world does revolve around you, you just don't get to choose which way it turns.
#79
If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I’d be broke.
#80
Best Insults To Win Any Argument Instantly
You look like something I would draw with my left hand.
#84
Two wrongs don’t make a right. Take your parents, for instance.
#85
You have a face only a mother could love.
#87
You bowl like your momma. Unless of course she bowls well, in which case you bowl nothing like her.
#88
Your face looks like a stuntman’s knee.
*Displayname*=idk 3 years ago (edited)
Kinda running from the joke but unfortunately My knee looks like a stuntman's knee cause I am always down scrubbing the floor. 🥲
#90
You bring everyone so much joy! You know, when you leave the room. But, still.
#91
Subtle Insults For When You Want To Be Petty Politely
I’m just glad that you’re stringing words into sentences now.
#92
If I had a face like yours, I would sue my parents.
John Kremm 3 years ago
If my dog had a face like yours, I'd shave his butt and walk him backwards.
#94
You’re about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.
Debrina Blackmoon 3 years ago (edited)
You're so stupid you probably wash paper towels/plates.
#95
I look ugly? Good. I was trying to look like you today.
*Displayname*=idk 3 years ago
Next time my sister makes a comment on my frizzy hairs i will reply with this (if I remember)
#96
If you were any less intelligent I'd have to water you twice a week.
#97
Taking a picture of you would put a virus on my phone.
#100
If I typed ‘stupid’ in Google, your name would pop up.
*Displayname*=idk 3 years ago
I'm just storing these all for a time that has a 1% chance of happening.
#107
I do not consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.
#109
You are the reason why shampoo has instructions.
*Displayname*=idk 3 years ago
But seriously though. It also says "Do not eat. If eaten get medical help right away"
#110
Isn’t there a bullet somewhere you could be jumping in front of?
#112
I’d rather treat my baby’s diaper rash than have lunch with you.
Brian Meyer 3 years ago
Well....yeah. If your baby has untreated diaper rash, you ain't got time for lunch. Take care of your kid!
#113
People clap when they see you. They clap their hands over their eyes.
#118
You are so full of crap, the toilet’s jealous.
Freya the Wanderer 3 years ago (edited)
Is your bu++holee jealous of the amount of s##t that cones out of your mouth?
#120
You look like a dropped pie.
#121
Playful Insults For Friends Who Can Take A Joke
I’m an acquired taste. If you don’t like me, acquire some taste.
#124
Your only purpose in life is to become an organ donor.
#125
The last time I saw a face like yours, I fed it a banana.
#128
Well, the jerk store called, and they’re running out of you.
#131
Clever One-Liner Insults That Hit Just Right
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
#132
As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
#133
You make me increase the amount of caffeine I take daily.
#135
You look so pretty. Not at all gross, today.
#137
Grab a straw, because you suck.
Octavia Hansen 3 years ago
From the movie Time Bandits: I really like you, Benson. You are so mercifully free from the ravages of intelligence.
#138
You’re my favorite person… Besides every other person I’ve ever met.
#141
I was today years old when I realized I didn’t like you.
#143
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.
#145
You’ve been trying to get your summer body since two winters ago.
#146
Serial killers would run mad if they tried to make you a victim.
#147
Your eyebrows look like eagle’s wings.
What do you think ?
Sinead Kenny 3 years ago (edited)
Im 42 yr old female and I told a younger colleague the other day 'i'm so sorry, I'm guessing you are insulting me however the 'urban dictionary' and your abbreviations having quite made it into the Oxford English dictionary, much less the standard conversation for anyone over 12 yrs old. So come back and try again when you surpass the vocabulary range of a primary school child or even better when you can actually spring a sentence together and spell it correctly! Don't worry I'll be sat here with baited breath 🤐😋 oh and btw just because your bag screams LV it isn't LV. The stitching is just the start of your problems . The print should be LV not VL. 🤏👌. Think she is still trying to work out what i actually said to her 😋
IlovemydogShilo 3 years ago
Wow. I hope you have a good dental hygienist. You need one to help clean all that bulls**t out of your mouth. 😊 jk
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M Atlas 3 years ago
Here’s one: “yeesh, you’re so ugly even Australians are afraid” Another?: “bro, you’re so ugly that zombies take one look at you and go ‘I ain’t eating that’” One more: “bro, you’re so stupid that when you were abducted by aliens, they kicked you out and said intelligent life form not detected’, not to mention they lost so many brain cells that they forgot that they even exist”
ANGELINE VARONIS 3 years ago
OK OK, I'VE GOT ONE! If someone says "Say that again to my face!" After using these awesome insults, ya gotta say "I already did, or was that your @$$? I can't tell since both of em' spew $h!t all the time."
Kevin Hickey 3 years ago
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception." - Groucho
Duncan Rogers 3 years ago
"You, (sir or madam) are a prime example of why some animals eat their young"
Rainbow Dash 3 years ago (edited)
Sir? I’m concerned are you ok? Do you need a therapist?
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Annabelle Dietrick 2 years ago
I read that someone said this. "If idiots could fly, this place would be a whole aśs airport." And it applies to my entire schooh C:
meow point1 3 years ago
"You're like a neutron -- you don't contribute anything in a positive or a negative direction; you just add weight."
Sinead Kenny 3 years ago (edited)
Im 42 yr old female and I told a younger colleague the other day 'i'm so sorry, I'm guessing you are insulting me however the 'urban dictionary' and your abbreviations having quite made it into the Oxford English dictionary, much less the standard conversation for anyone over 12 yrs old. So come back and try again when you surpass the vocabulary range of a primary school child or even better when you can actually spring a sentence together and spell it correctly! Don't worry I'll be sat here with baited breath 🤐😋 oh and btw just because your bag screams LV it isn't LV. The stitching is just the start of your problems . The print should be LV not VL. 🤏👌. Think she is still trying to work out what i actually said to her 😋
IlovemydogShilo 3 years ago
Wow. I hope you have a good dental hygienist. You need one to help clean all that bulls**t out of your mouth. 😊 jk
Load More Replies... M Atlas 3 years ago
Here’s one: “yeesh, you’re so ugly even Australians are afraid” Another?: “bro, you’re so ugly that zombies take one look at you and go ‘I ain’t eating that’” One more: “bro, you’re so stupid that when you were abducted by aliens, they kicked you out and said intelligent life form not detected’, not to mention they lost so many brain cells that they forgot that they even exist”
ANGELINE VARONIS 3 years ago
OK OK, I'VE GOT ONE! If someone says "Say that again to my face!" After using these awesome insults, ya gotta say "I already did, or was that your @$$? I can't tell since both of em' spew $h!t all the time."
Kevin Hickey 3 years ago
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception." - Groucho
Duncan Rogers 3 years ago
"You, (sir or madam) are a prime example of why some animals eat their young"
Rainbow Dash 3 years ago (edited)
Sir? I’m concerned are you ok? Do you need a therapist?
Load More Replies... Annabelle Dietrick 2 years ago
I read that someone said this. "If idiots could fly, this place would be a whole aśs airport." And it applies to my entire schooh C:
meow point1 3 years ago
"You're like a neutron -- you don't contribute anything in a positive or a negative direction; you just add weight."
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