We’ve all had moments in our lives where we just needed that perfect comeback to make everyone laugh or put someone in their place. Unfortunately, the best insults seem to come to us while we’re showering or right before going to bed. But what if we could have said the thing that was on the tip of our tongue, that would have saved our reputation at that moment?
Well, fret not, cause we’re here to help pad out your arsenal with the best insults from this viral Askreddit community thread!
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Some guy on Reddit says he had fornicated with OPs mother. OP replies “Im happy to know that Im no longer her biggest disappointment”. I haven’t heard any insult that epic before or since.
Ah yes, the burn that's self-inflicted to have a greater effect. Nice.
A colleague of mine was told the following by a waitress when he had tried to hit on her.
"You have more d**k in your personality than you do in your pants"
Oh burn! Also they're just trying to do their job for minimum wage, let people be.
When I was in high school, one of my classmates gave our teacher a typical “your mom” response to a question without realizing the teacher’s mother had just died. Without missing a beat, the teacher said “leave my mother out of this. I don’t make fun of your parents, and look what they produced.”
I remember once while playing soccer the striker (I was the defender) was trash taking to me about what he did with my sister last night so I was just smiling along, not saying anything until another teammate got tired of it and was like "dude...he's an only child" and the guy was like "oh" lol so I was like "it's not a problem, I didn't know I had a sister so it was nice to know she's doing well".
For this article, Bored Panda got in touch with experienced copy-editor and professional language writer in Ireland, Stan Carey. You can visit his website here and also find more interesting, but explicit, articles about expletives on the Strong Language blog.
Also providing their input about why insults between friends are funny rather than rude and some novel examples of insults is James Harbeck, professional editor, designer, and writer. You can read more about him and his work on his website or his blog Sesquiotica.
16 year old me trying to convince my dad to take my friends and I to see American Pie: Dad: so what is it about? Me: a group of high school friends trying to lose their virginity. Dad: I can stay home and see that.
Oh no, burn. Lol (also nothing wrong with losing or not losing, don't let anyone pressure you).
Teacher of mine once said to a classmate who kept making the most asinine contributions to the conversation:
“You make it really difficult to underestimate you.”
The guy had no idea what it meant, he thought it was a compliment .
my friend confused a kid at school by saying "i envy the people who dont know you"
“You’re not the dumbest person I’ve ever met, but you better hope he doesn’t die.”
Your Mama's so dumb, she thinks menopause is a button on the Remote Control.
If you are particularly interested in how a particular vulgar word and its alternatives evolved through the decades, you may find something fun in Jonathon Green’s historical slang timelines, as suggested by Stan Carey. Although there is little context, it’s quite amusing to see that the synonym for “foolish” in the 1850’s was “suck-egg”, whatever that may mean.
Bunch of quite pretentious people getting out of a limo at a club and pretending they’re more than they are to get in ahead of the line, bouncer quips “ Can always tell clowns, all arriving in the same car.”
Winston Churchill supposedly in response to being called drunk during a debate: “I may be drunk but tomorrow I shall be sober. You, however, madam, shall always be ugly”.
I was at a pool in Vegas and wearing a straw cowboy hat with my shirt open. One friend said "damn, how can you not get laid with that outfit today"
Other friend said "don't worry, he'll show us."
“Blatherskite is a colorful insult with an old-fashioned flavor that's fun to say,” says Stan Carey. Apparently, the “-skite” part alludes to sh*t, and most people don’t know that. As blather means empty and long-winded talk, you can probably guess what it means.
Was playing Pavlov(vr game) with a group of people, one of which was this very annoying kid who kept saying something like "You're bad because you're adopted" and such like that. He did that to one dude, and the guy replies something like "I'd return the insult, but that'd imply someone wanted you"
Had the whole lobby erupting. IDK if it's taken from somewhere or what.
My favorite of all time was from roast me. Guy was wearing a checkered shirt and the line was:
“Thanks for wearing graph paper so we can calculate the exact waste of space”
I'd challenge you to a battle of wits but I see you are unarmed.
Discussing why insults between friends are funny rather than insulting, James Harbeck mentions that they are funny because they demonstrate permission. “You show that you know you have the right to speak to the other person in terms that would be taken badly by someone you were not on close terms with, and that you know they know,” says James. These claims are somewhat confirmed in a case study about insults and social cohesion.
"it's because of people like you, that they still print instructions on shampoo bottles".
Loved that.
Wait, is it a bad thing that I always read the shampoo instructions? I wanna make sure I know if it's a single lather, lather wash lather, or a say in for 3mins.
You've got a face for radio, and a voice for writing.
You've got a voice for cattle auctions, and a face for.....well, the same thing.
Best one I've heard recently was someone who commented on a shirtless picture of a guy and called him Tragic Mike.
Insulting friends may also be a good way to let off some steam and equalize perceived or possible social inequalities, James says. Nevertheless, these boundaries should be judged carefully, James says, sharing the case of English dandy Beau Brummell insulting the Prince Regent, with whom he had formerly been on good terms. “He said to one of the prince’s companions, 'Alvanley, who’s your fat friend?' – and met his social downfall as a result.”
''I bet your parents change the subject when their friends ask about you.''
When I was 16, I accidentally cut a woman off and she screamed out her car window at me “Who did you f**k to get your license!?!?” I laughed so hard. It really stuck with me.
You'd struggle to pour water out of a boot with the instructions printed on the heel.
You've got two brain cells, and they're both fighting for third place.
Somewhere out there is a tree tirelessly producing oxygen for you to breathe. You should go apologize to it.
At my funeral, I want my coworkers to be my pallbearers and lower my casket into my grave, so they can all let me down one last time.
And my personal favorite, from an episode of *Frasier* :
>Roger, at Cornell University, they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the tunneling electron microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful, that by firing electrons, you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building blocks of our universe. Roger, if I were using that microscope right now---I still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem. Thank you for your call.
Irish English has insults derived from Irish for every occasion, according to Stan Carey. Sleeveen, referring to someone untrustworthy, and cute hoor are popular examples, especially used in political contexts. Sleeveen is especially popular in Irish politics, used to define politicians as smooth-tongued rogues.
When your mom dropped you off at school this morning she got fined because they thought she was littering.
I was at a hot girl bar with some of my coworkers a few years ago having drinks after work. All the girls were 10/10’s and our waitress had super blonde almost silver hair that looked really nice. One of my coworkers got a little too drunk and started hitting on her, which she handled well. She was probably used to it. He pulls her aside and loudly in front of all of us shouts at her “do you know what we call your hair color where I’m from? “F**k me blonde””. Without missing a beat she replies “do you know what we call your hair color where I’m from? “A*****e brown”” and walked away. We all died laughing and tipped her very well. He was cut off after that needless to say. I still think about this 6 years later 😂
Your mama is so slow, it took her 9 months to come up with a joke.
Stan Carey further directs us to an anecdote from Luis Buñuel’s Autobiography about how cursing helped him get across past border control during the Spanish Civil War. “In fact, blasphemy in Spain is truly an art; in Mexico, for instance, I never heard a proper curse, whereas in my native land, a good one lasts for at least three good-sized sentences. [...] It was with a curse of this kind, uttered in all its seemly intensity, that I regaled the three anarchists from Port Bou. When I’d finished, they stamped my papers and I crossed the border.”
I hope you have the day you deserve.
Context aside, someone once told me I look like I go to the park to punch birds.
James gives some examples of context and profession-specific insults, but adds that better ones must be out there. One example is the military FNG term, referring to a fudging new guy, in more polite terminology. In Spanish cultures, overweight men are sometimes called Flaco, meaning “skinny”. It’s understood to be ironic and overpolite, as you’re doing the opposite of pointing out a socially negative trait, without doing so directly, James adds.
They’d need a recipe for making ice cubes
My husband was going out with his friends in their 20's. One of them came downstairs wearing a sweater and chuck tailors with khakis and his roommate goes "what's up, Ellen."
James Harbeck also directs us to an insulting game, common to African-American communities. It’s called the dozens, usually played by young men, where participants exchange humorous insults in front of an audience. The comments may attack various features of the other person, but aren’t meant to be taken seriously. It’s also important to mention that some versions of this game may have been important towards the development of rap.
Best I ever heard was "you look like somebody set you on fire and put you out with a chain".
"God just be making anybody."
I don't get it. If you're a god botherer, then surely... every moron, child molester, compulsive liar and conman was made by god?
I think the thought would be that God made everyone in the image of himself, until through original sin they succumbed to evil... but that this person disproves that all were created to be perfect. See, even original sin was allowed by God for a greater purpose ("O wonderful fault of Adam that has gained for us a redeemer"), but this person is claiming there could be no purpose for someone so bad.
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God must *really* love common people, because there are so many of them.
Wouldn’t work too well on me, since I live in a reality where no god created anyone or anything. It’s very hard to create when one doesn’t exist, you know how it is. I can’t even use it, since it’d feel a bit disrespectful to insult someone who does believe in a god with god, when I don’t believe in a god. If you see what I mean.
No, god makes everyone pretty. Do I don't know who the hell made you.
https://www.reddit.com/r/shortscarystories/comments/62dlxz/a_deal_with_the_devil/
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look in a mirror, youll find a joke that offends God
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Finally, Stan shares an exchange by G.B. Shaw and Winston Churchill, the veracity of which is dubious at best.
“Shaw: I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend – if you have one.
Churchill: Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second – if there is one.”
I always thought the Robert Downey^2 vs Val Kilmer was hilarious.
"Look in the dictionary under the definition of idiot, know what you'll find?"
"Uh, a picture of me?"
"No, you'll find the definition of idiot, which you *f*****g* are!"
Or also literally anything that comes out of peter capaldi's mouth in "in the loop"
Or even better, anything that comes out of his mouth in The Thick Of It
"Your cornbread ain't done in the middle, is it son?" is one of my favourite things I ever heard.
Mine is “the wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead”. For some reason that one stuck with me. It’s not even a saying where I live, it’s totally random. Maybe that’s why I like it.
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A friend of mine bragged to me: You don’t know this about me, but I’m a bit of a nonconformist. I told him I was already aware. He asked what gave it away? I replied “you fit the stereotype “ I wonder sometimes where that guy ended up in life.
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception." - Groucho
As a cricket fan I feel the need to add this one... Glenn McGrath (bowling to portly Zimbabwean chicken farmer Eddo Brandes): McGrath insultingly asked Eddo Brandes, “Hey Eddo, why are you so fat?” Eddo Brandes: “Because everytime I make love to your wife, she throws me a cookie.”
A little off topic but ... I just listened to a podcast where the 2 hosts (male) asked for Patreon sponsors, then proceeded to list the names of new sponsors, *butcher* this woman's last name and highly insult her. Called her the Italian equivalent of the c-word. I deleted them for sheer stupidity, insulting someone who *just* signed up for their podcast. BAD SHOW, CHAPS
oh gosh, my friend is the best roaster ever. things he's said to me: “You’re so gay you can’t see straight.” (talking about my glasses) “You'd get 47 out of 46 on a chromosome test.” (the teacher actually complimented him on this one) “You’d be proud about killing one bird with two stones.” (smart) “Somehow you’re deaf, blind, *and* gay? No wonder you’re a disappointment.” (ouch). will edit if he says more (which he probably will).
'You're so stupid you stared at a carton of orange juice for an hour because it said ''concentrate' on the side'.
My favorites: You're as sharp as a marble. You could hide your own Easter eggs.
'You're so far behind you think you're in first' is one of my favorites.
I was about 11 years old and my older brother was 15 and he called me dumb. I said, "I'm not as dumb as you think I am." His response, "Oh you have NO idea how dumb I think you are." It was so good I burst out laughing and said, "Good one!" Then he took me to get ice cream.
This one my friend says about herself " I'm flatter than a 2 by 4"
Sounds like she got confused by the saying, "thicker than two planks," thick in British idiom meaning stupid.
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A girl I know is an extreme jerk, she always threw insults at me (body/fat shaming etc.). One day I had enough and said. “If I were to take two wooden boards and put you between them, they would fit perfectly.”
A few more braincells than the average twerp at the very least. 👍
Load More Replies... "Your cornbread ain't done in the middle, is it son?" is one of my favourite things I ever heard.
Mine is “the wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead”. For some reason that one stuck with me. It’s not even a saying where I live, it’s totally random. Maybe that’s why I like it.
Load More Replies... A friend of mine bragged to me: You don’t know this about me, but I’m a bit of a nonconformist. I told him I was already aware. He asked what gave it away? I replied “you fit the stereotype “ I wonder sometimes where that guy ended up in life.
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception." - Groucho
As a cricket fan I feel the need to add this one... Glenn McGrath (bowling to portly Zimbabwean chicken farmer Eddo Brandes): McGrath insultingly asked Eddo Brandes, “Hey Eddo, why are you so fat?” Eddo Brandes: “Because everytime I make love to your wife, she throws me a cookie.”
A little off topic but ... I just listened to a podcast where the 2 hosts (male) asked for Patreon sponsors, then proceeded to list the names of new sponsors, *butcher* this woman's last name and highly insult her. Called her the Italian equivalent of the c-word. I deleted them for sheer stupidity, insulting someone who *just* signed up for their podcast. BAD SHOW, CHAPS
oh gosh, my friend is the best roaster ever. things he's said to me: “You’re so gay you can’t see straight.” (talking about my glasses) “You'd get 47 out of 46 on a chromosome test.” (the teacher actually complimented him on this one) “You’d be proud about killing one bird with two stones.” (smart) “Somehow you’re deaf, blind, *and* gay? No wonder you’re a disappointment.” (ouch). will edit if he says more (which he probably will).
'You're so stupid you stared at a carton of orange juice for an hour because it said ''concentrate' on the side'.
My favorites: You're as sharp as a marble. You could hide your own Easter eggs.
'You're so far behind you think you're in first' is one of my favorites.
I was about 11 years old and my older brother was 15 and he called me dumb. I said, "I'm not as dumb as you think I am." His response, "Oh you have NO idea how dumb I think you are." It was so good I burst out laughing and said, "Good one!" Then he took me to get ice cream.
This one my friend says about herself " I'm flatter than a 2 by 4"
Sounds like she got confused by the saying, "thicker than two planks," thick in British idiom meaning stupid.
Load More Replies... A girl I know is an extreme jerk, she always threw insults at me (body/fat shaming etc.). One day I had enough and said. “If I were to take two wooden boards and put you between them, they would fit perfectly.”
A few more braincells than the average twerp at the very least. 👍
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