There is no universal list of red flags in a partner one should look out for; or run away from the second they see one. However, some things are more likely to be considered red flags by most, even though they might not scare everyone to the same degree.
Members of the ‘AskReddit’ community recently discussed red flags they don’t mind so much in a potential partner. It all started with the user ‘Cerseiriously’ posing the question, and their fellow redditors were open and honest about it. Scroll down to find their answers on the list below and see if you would consider any of these red flags deal breakers yourself.
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"How a man treats his mother is a sign of how he'll treat you so be careful"
Or if he dislikes his mom, doesn't want to help her, be there for her, talks bad about her. It could be because she's horrible and it's just a sign of how she treated him.
Having friends of the opposite sex. I don't understand why people act like it's a big deal.
Exactly! It shows that they can be friends with someone without sexually desiring them all the time and they can like them for who they truly are as a person. 👍
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It should be a major red flag if someone doesn't allow it! I am gay so if you follow that logic, I shouldn't have female friends because they could be a possible love interest?
As an asexual and aromatic person I had usually have friends of the opposite gender. You can not imagine how many of them I lost just because they got a jealous girlfriend who couldn't grasp that I don't want to have sex with their boyfriends and that if we spend an evening together, we just drink beer, watch a game or are playing PS...
Aromatic or non romantic? Everybody smells, lovely or not. 🙃
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My best friend for YEARS was a guy. He was my neighbor, babysat my kids and basically became part of the family. My kids still refer to him as "Uncle Todd".
I guess this is a weird, controlling straight people thing to assume that because you have a friend of the opposite sex, that you must want to cheat. I think the red flag is acting like your partner can't have opposite sex friends (or same-sex friends if gay). The biggest red flag is isolating your partner from any of their friends.
Someone who’s been single for a long time! I find jumping from partner to partner more concerning. Some people never figure out who they are on their own.
👆🏻This 💯this👆🏻 I'm always bowled over when someone's broken up/divorced after a long term relationship and is dating within a month or two! - whatever happened to taking 50% of the relationship time to process and figure out who you are without them?
Someone who isn't close to their own family. I'm not close with mine, either. I'd actually think it was refreshing to be with someone who understood and felt the same way.
Not having a lot of prior relationships (as an older person). When I met my husband, he was 34 and had had only one serious relationship up until that point which was 15 years prior.
Now I know a lot of people would see that has a waving red flag and think there was something "wrong" with him, but the reality was he was in a male-heavy specialty (engineering college to an engineering job), had a job where he traveled about 90% of the time and, when I met him, had just moved back to the area where he had grown up after being away for over 10 years. None of that was conducive to meeting people or a relationship and, beyond that, he's not a particularly social person or someone who really revels in the company of others, which didn't help.
We met online, we clicked, we started dating, we got married 2 years later and are still married 18 years later.
Thank you! I'm 35 and neurodivergent. I've never had a serious relationship. Not for lack of desire or trying. It just takes a special person to find my quirks cute and not off-putting.
Depression. My misses was in a rough way when we met. I took her under my bubbly delightful wing and pulled her in the right direction. Helping and supporting her every single day it may be tiring at times but s**t I wouldn't trade it for the world. She is amazing I type this as I sit next to her knowing she means everything to me. Damaged goods are fine by me I was damaged at a point in my life but I'm healed and am will to help heal others. My wife is a rock star and the light of my life. Love, listen be patient, and don't be afraid to point out where they goof. People goof often I goof often. A goof is nothing more than water under the bridge.
Back when I was dating, I didn’t mind a girl with a lot of “experience” (Reddit loves using the term body count). If she wanted to be with me after being with lots of other guys, that told me I must be pretty damn good.
I’ve been told my lack of social media is a major turn off and a major red flag. But I find a guy that doesn’t have any social media or very little attractive. It’s all about perspective.
expertlyblended:
Not posting a lot on socials. I used to think the world was ending if my partner didn’t proclaim me as their true and undying love on the internet. It was never that deep. I was just insecure. The people who matter know that we’re together, and that’s all I care about.
Not being ambitious in their careers. They have to be responsible, and ideally financially stable. But at the end of the day, work is just work and doesn't define us, and they can have a lot of other passions in life while just wanting to get by in their careers.
Someone with mental health issues. I basically screened for that when I was dating. Hubs had one depressive episode in his life, meanwhile I struggle a lot with it. But just him having the one episode allows him to know somewhat what I go though and be there for me in a way someone who never experienced depression couldn’t.
Being broke and somewhat dependent. I've never been with someone who had their s**t together perfectly and unless they want me to mommy them, I'm fine with that. I'm also a little behind in life when it comes to career and stuff.
Don't be so hard on yourself, there is no age limit to when we should have met certain milestones. I'm 38 and have just started back in university due to shìtty circumstances. So I'll be over 40 by the time I graduate and hopefully will start my career shortly there after. Screw society, you do you on your own time!
No friends. No family contact. Because those are all the things I’m currently dealing with. By choice. Friends just kind of faded and realized I was the only one putting in effort. And my family is extremely toxic and one-sided. So I would look at it more as a green flag. But in a relationship right now with someone with the opposite of me and sometimes it’s a struggle. But it’s workable.
If you dated someone with no friends then it would be nice to introduce them to yours but I can see how maybe they would want a little too much attention from you. I have a friend and I'm his only other friend and he is constantly texting or inviting me places because he has no one else to invite which can get a little annoying and overwhelming but it might be different if we were in a relationship because I would want to see him more often
Someone who doesn't like dogs / cats/ pets. Some people here would have you believe they're secret psychopaths or something but some people just don't like animals. They could have had a traumatic experience with one while younger or just have a phobia.
I wouldn't call this a green flag, but I wouldn't think they are a psychopath either. In any case, I have had pets all my life, so I personally need an animal lover if we're going to live in the same house.
Not being very communicative or chatty through text. Some people simply aren’t into texting.
I dated a guy who was like that. At first I took his lack of communication and short answers as not being interested… when in reality, he simply wasn’t much of a texter. I just accepted that’s how he was. In person he was great.
Or some people are the opposite. They could write novels with each text, but hate talking in phone.
Being “high maintenance”. I think it all depends on which definition of the phrase you’re going with. I’ve heard it used to describe women who are obsessed with their appearance and take 2 hours to get ready for a night out with hair and makeup. That doesn’t bother me at all. I like to look my best when I go out for the night and I like the woman I’m with to also look her best. Plus I enjoy the time they’re getting ready. I either chill and do stuff I don’t usually have the time to do (video games/YouTube/whatever), or I sit and chat with them while they do their makeup and hair. It’s a nice and peaceful time to unwind together and check in with one another before we go out for the night.
I can be inconsistent at responding to texts and I like people who are the same way. Being glued to your phone and expecting constant communication is unhealthy imo. If it’s urgent, call me!
“Oversharing” and some amount of surface-level emotional instability.
I’ll take someone who is open about and grappling with their feelings and worldview over someone who is trying to bury them. Furthermore, people who are embarrassed by or ashamed of their emotions and are therefore trying to manipulate them rather than address them are likely going to have the same response to *my* emotions as time goes on.
I have found that many people can't handle openness, honesty and truth. They want the false imagery or 'honeymoon' behavior. I am who I am. I've been in recovery for over 30 years now and am used to being around people who value those qualities. 'Normies' tend to freak out a bit when you don't have a hidden agenda and mean what you say.. it's mind blowing.
Self harm scars. As someone who's been there, I personally think it shows immense mental fortitude and strength. It shows that you're a fighter.
IamTheShark:
Can't cook. I prefer to have total management of the kitchen.
dynamicdickpunch:
I'm the same, but with kitchen cleaning. There's my method of cleaning, and then there's all the wrong ones.
As a woman, my friends find it weird that I want to do all of the housework. It's not about old-fashioned values, I just like it.
Someone who needs their space. Maybe a lot of space. I describe my perfect relationship model as a Binary Star system. I've unfortunately found that a lot of men (I'm a woman, fwiw) are a little too protective/possessive or something along those lines to let this work.
A woman with a kid. I'm bias though, met my wife when she had a two year old girl. Been married ten years this week.
Why what's wrong with us women with children? I'd be more worried about men who don't see or pay for their children
A little bit of jealousy. I can deal with it since I can be a little jealous myself.
imnogoodatthisorthat:
I think it’s a normal emotion when you have genuine feelings for someone. Of course, there are acceptable and unacceptable ways of dealing with that emotion. So for me the real red flag is if someone takes it out on me or tries to control me. But in general I like for my partner to be a little (or even a lot) jealous as long as they can deal with it in a healthy way.
Jealousy is fine as long as you talk and say why it made you feel that way but projecting your own insecurity on to someone else is BAD
A certain type of dating history. Everyone has their own style of dating.
For example, Person A has a history of 3-4 year LTR but has never married while Person B doesn't have any relationships beyond 6 months. Person A thinks its a red flag that Person B "can't commit" when the reality is they simply end a relationship they don't see going long-term. On the other side, Person B thinks it is Person A who can't commit based on the fact they have years long relationships but don't progress.
Its all relative to how you compare the persons history to your own style of dating.
Having someone that's meaner than me. My wife will always let the restaurant know when my order is wrong, also we were furniture shopping and she got an extra $800 off by asking if they could go any lower. I don't think I realized before her how costly politeness is.
Having an alternative look. I like piercings and tattoos on a girl. I'm not a fan of the bright colored hair though.
being overly emotional!! i feel like so many people see it as weakness or whatever, but as long as it’s healthy i think it’s really great to be able to express emotions
Absorbed in their hobbies/their work. I love that. Go buck wild, even if it’s obsessive. Also because bruh I have a terrible rest/production ratio. I need someone who understands. LOL
Enjoy your hobbies but not to the point where you neglect other duties and it becomes unhealthy. I used to play the sims and would have emotional breakdowns over them dying lol
Temper. Because I have one too. As long as it’s not abusive - physically or emotionally- I totally get flying off the handle and yelling about s**t sometimes.
People who have served time in prison. It really depends on what they've done since they've gotten out. I've met some extremely sensitive and generous souls who have served time.
I am not a country music fan in general, but there is one singer, Jelly Roll, who was a convicted felon in his youth (armed robbery, I believe) but got his life together, is a successful musician, married with two children and is now a sort of male Dolly Parton, helping at-risk children in Tennessee and just seems like a really genuinely good person. People change, and even if your past is always a part of you it doesn't have to define you.
being an older virgin. so am i.
(same goes for lack of relationship experience)
some of us don't fit society's standard of beauty, have extreme anxiety, and/or live in places that don't have a lot of options for relationships.
as a virgin in my late 20s, i would rather go through the awkward learning stages with someone else in my position than with someone who has a high body count. it feels more memorable and intimate, and eases the worry that I'm just disappointing to a more experienced partner.
Being friends with members of their preferred gender or exes. If there are weird vibes, then there’s weird vibes and you should follow your gut, but there’s nothing inherently wrong with it and if you think there is you need to either work through some trust issues in therapy or mature a bit.
Thanks. Especially if you don`t really prefer on gender it would really mean you can`t have any friends.
I don't mind some mild (MILD) possessiveness. In fact, I think it's kind of hot.
I blame all the Wattpad stories I consumed during my formative years.
This may not be considered as much of a red flag anymore, but being into nerdy or “childish” things.
I dated a guy who was really into a competitive ten-person arcade game and I loved it. A lot of my friends warned me that was a sign of him being a man child (and in the end he kind of was a man child, albeit in other ways) but as a nerdy person myself I found it really attractive (and validating) how un-self conscious and passionate he was about it.
Bisexuality in a dude partner.
This really, really shouldn't be a red flag in and of itself but this is apparently controversial in a lot of hetero women circles because there's the assumption he'll cheat (even if he's stated he's happily monogamous) or he's really just gay, or he has hiv etc etc. Or they think he's femme because he'll do xyz sex act with male partners. Some women think topping is acceptable but bottoming isn't??
Like, if you wind up in a discussion about this, there's a *lot* of weird homophobic knee jerk reactions that surface.
Past issues with addiction. I’ve battled mine and won, so I know other people can do it too.
Talking a lot about their ex lol. I don’t consider it an automatic red flag by any means. It depends entirely on what they’re saying.
I don't have an issue if a man is close to his mother. I find it odd that no one blinks an eye when I talk to my mom everyday but it's a problem if a guy does the exact same thing. Like guys are just supposed to cast off their family the minute they get laid.
I find that to be a bigger red flag.
Agreed. And as a woman I also noticed the double standard. My mom is my best friend, why can't the same be said for a guy?
A history of cheating. Not a long history, but if they cheated once, regretted it, and seem to have grown from it, I'm likely to look the other way.
Needing a little reassurance. Any opportunity to increase a partner's self-esteem or provide affirmations is my kink.
My husband has a penchant for doing “the most.”
Our son has a small spot of a rash or an insect bite: “put some hydrocortisone on it. Should we call the dr?”
Our son coughs or sneezes: “we should test him for COVID.”
We receive anything in the mail that looks remotely “official” (junk mail included): “should we call them to make sure?”
Sometimes it annoys the c**p out of me, but I do appreciate he’s thoughtful and careful. He advocated for me during my pregnancy and child birth and has learned that I have to be on the brink of death to call the dr for myself. Lol
This sounds like my grandmother 😂 and yes, her instinct once saved her father's life
I have absolutely no qualms about them loving more people than just me. It's called polyamory, but I come to find the largest majority of Reddit calls it a red flag.
Married a medical student who is a little Controlling and wants things done their way. I don’t mind it actually less on my plate.
someone who is divorced.
my current bf and i were going thru divorces when we met and we understood each other completely. we have grown so much and i havent loved anyone like i love him. we celebrate 3 years together next month :)
Divorce doesn't mean that they are a bad person, just that they were with the wrong person/at the wrong time.
Wanting to hang out with your SO a lot as I heard that this will be seen as codependent and toxic because you won't leave each other at all...
I think it is nice to have someone you want to spend all your time with. It's like a super-duber bestfriend.
Some mildly self destructive behaviors. Not too extreme obviously, but I think sometimes being sad or contemplating their own mortality in a negative light can stem from an awareness that people are frequently cruel and destructive to the world around them, and this forces one to take an honest look at themselves.
That is to say, I have an EXCEPTIONALLY hard time trusting people who don’t get depressed or don’t seriously contemplate the negative effects humanity has on the world.
This is called being realistic, and it is normal and healthy. How else will we realize the flaws of our world and correct them for the sake of future generations and our planet?
When they aren’t so worried about what the relationship is gonna end up ‘termed’ as.
It used to bother me a bit when people didn’t know what they wanted out of a relationship but the older I get the more I understand. The difference for me now is that I’m okie with not 100% establishing what we will end up being as long as we have an understanding of what we are potentially willing to be.
Healthy germaphobia.
People do not wash their hands enough and it has always freaked me out! Yes, I just saw you wipe your nose, pick your teeth, scratch your crotch a few times and no, I will not touch a thing you just touched!
Idk if it’s a red flag but my wife has no clue what goes on in society. And she doesn’t care at all. She only cares about what happens in her life and mine. She doesn’t bother whatsoever. Not even a little bit.
I respect that, but personally I'd rather not live in a bubble and see what I can do to help improve our world.
A little arrogance. It can still be attractive depending on other traits.
I respectfully disagree. "Arrogance" is a lot different than "confidence."
Surprised at myself that I agreed with most of these. Takes all sorts
Depending on the person(s) there are red flags and then there are RED FLAGS.
Surprised at myself that I agreed with most of these. Takes all sorts
Depending on the person(s) there are red flags and then there are RED FLAGS.
