Parents Share What Disappointed Them About Having Kids, And Here Are 45 Of The Most Honest Responses
Interview
While parenting is seen as one of the most amazing gifts life can bring you, the challenges that come with it often remain invisible to an outsider's eye (except when kids throw an occasional public tantrum).
From tremendous pressure to be a perfect parent to loneliness when you are the only one with kids in your social circle, and even emotional exhaustion, being a mom or a dad is for the strongest of us.
This Reddit thread has parents and caregivers sharing brutally honest stories about the hardest part of raising kids despite the fact none of them would probably trade it for anything.
Bored Panda also reached out to Anisa Lewis, a parenting and leadership coach with two decades of experience in education who shared some useful insight into the challenges of modern parenting and ways to overcome them.
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The emotional pain of watching your children go through something almost unimaginably difficult knowing that your best efforts may not be enough to save them.
Looking back, I'd rather my kid grow to experience painful times and have to make hard decisions that she knows are for her own good. It builds resilience, growth, confidence, self-advocation, and communication skills. Kids who are protected from all bad things end up being the most annoying, needy, anxious, whiny adults you've ever met.
Knowing that I’ll never truly be free again. I will worry about my child until the day I die.
With so much information on how to be a perfect parent out there, many moms, dads and caregivers can feel overwhelmed. Anisa Lewis says that the “important thing here is to remember that there is NO SUCH THING as the perfect parent, we are all human and therefore perfectly imperfect.”
Being unprepared for losing the child version of them. My son carries the younger "him" inside himself, but to me that little boy vanished almost overnight when he turned 13. I love the new older "him", don't get me wrong. But I grieve daily for the little one I no longer have access to, the tiny sweet one whose "I love you's" were uncomplicated and whose hugs seemed limitless.
Relentlessness. Kids don’t stop, they don’t go away, they always need to be fed, and cleaned, and entertained. They are always there, for 21 years+, they are always there. Every single day, every single hour. Kids are always there.
From personal experience, I do believe this was written by another introverted mom.
She also shared some tips on dealing with the parenting pressure and feeling overwhelmed. “Work out what is right for you and your family – only you will know this. Seek help if you need it – it is okay not to be okay.”
Moreover, Anisa argues that it’s wise “to cut ties with things/people that make you compare yourself to others – social media, a person, a class you attend, etc.” According to her, it is about creating boundaries that allow you to bring out the best in you and your family without the pressure of comparison.
The worry that something horrible will happen to them. Sickness, kidnapping, getting lost, etc
We moved from a 700-person town in Nebraska to a 100,000+-person city in California when I was 7, at which point I became a latchkey kid. I have no idea how my mom managed to retain anything remotely like sanity; I was SEVEN. I lost so many house keys, I'm STILL paranoid about where my keys are at 43. How did she get through her days, teaching eighth graders, while I was basically free-ranging it in an unfamiliar city like that???
Kids have an incredible ability to get really sick during the most inconvenient times.
When you work, any time is inconvenient because employers don't gaf about your personal, family priorities.
There also exist new challenges that today's parents face which didn’t exist in previous generations of parents. “New challenges such as screens, mobile phones and advances in technology were not there to be faced by previous generations,” Anisa explained.
The parenting coach also believes that the movement away from raising the family as a ‘village’ is something that is a challenge for this generation.
Figuring out 3 meals, 8,000 snacks, 1,000 activities and settling for the fact they won’t like, want or do any of them.
Then... don't? Apart from the 3 meals, which if they're old enough they can make themselves, they don't need snacks or 1000 activities. Let them be bored, it's healthy
The worst part of being a parent is realizing that you're never going to be perfect for them. You're only human yourself. You're weak, you're tired, you're fallible, just like them. And as such, you'll do/not-do something and you'll blow it out of proportion and crucify yourself, and you forget that you're just still human too.
And in that moment, in that lapse in judgment, you'll regret yelling at them, you'll wish you played with them a little bit better, you'll regret getting frustrated and impatient, and you'll regret criticizing them. You'll miss them, wherever they are, whoever old they are.
The worst part of being a parent is that you can't save them from yourself. It's all in the game of life, and every second of it takes effort and thoughtful energy.
Some days will be better than others. This too, shall pass.
People really have to get over this expectation of being "perfect". There's no such thing. There's a lot of things I screwed up on, but I know I did my best with each situation, and now I have an adult child appreciative of my efforts. The #1 thing is keep an open door of communication with no judgement. Once judgement is added that open door closes very fast.
The guilt when you have to stand up to your kids and discipline them. It's never fun to see them sad.
Ah, the guilt trip that keeps on giving! Don't worry we've all been there. Just remember, discipline is a necessary evil in the world of parenting. And who knows, maybe one day your kids will thank you for it...or at least not hate you as much as they do right now. But in the meantime, just pretend you're auditioning for a role in a Shakespearean tragedy and let those tears flow. It's all part of the drama of parenthood.
With many people becoming parents later in life and others choosing a childfree lifestyle, it’s easy to become the only parent in your social circle. Anisa confirmed that raising kids can sometimes feel a little lonely and even isolating.
Her advice is “to create the social circle that you need around you, not to the detriment of cutting off ties with childless friends and family members, unless of course you want to.”
Moreover, Anisa encourages parents to look at classes you can join with your child or without.“Be open to new friendships. If there is a parent at pick up at a school or a club who also perhaps is looking around feeling a bit lost, approach them, start a conversation and see where it goes.”
The sleep deprivation.
I'm serious, it wrecked me. I was already suffering from postpartum depression, and I was both breastfeeding and dealing with an unhelpful partner. I didn't sleep much until the baby was about a year old.
Cognitively and emotionally, it destroyed me. I made stupid mistakes at work and as a parent. I didn't trust or like myself -- or the baby.
That's the number one reason he's an only child. I can't handle the lack of sleep.
He's an amazing, creative, hilarious 15-year-old now; I love him and I love being the mom of a teenager. For one thing, he sleeps through the night.
Yep. They do sleep through the night. Also, class 4 hurricanes, major earthquakes, and raging typhoons. It's waking them up that becomes the issue in the teenage years. I honestly considered getting an airhorn when he was 15. Neighbors might have objected though, so it was standing in the bedroom doorway chanting "It's time to get up for school." until he got up from sheer irritation. Years of my life I will never get back. Now he has 3 of his own and I truly enjoy saying "What goes around comes around." And "My, my, my how the worm has turned." Followed by an evil old lady cackle. ;>)
Stepping back and letting them fail. While it can be extremely difficult it is a very important part of their development.
Endless, thankless drudgery. The house is always disgusting. Everything you cook is garbage. Nothing is ever done, and everything you do is wrong. Constant expenses. Neverending judgment from total strangers about what a piece of s**t parent you are.
Okay, but my mom's chili and tuna casserole really were garbage, though. But she makes a mean chicken noodle soup!
According to Anisa, “Even if you potentially don’t feel like joining the mums' or dads' night out, you may just find someone you gel with and then you don’t have to go to any others! Of course, if this is your thing, then enjoy.”
“Use social media for good, join parent groups that are around you locally and that allow you to connect with other like-minded parents,” she added.
I recently had to explain to my 5 year old that her grandma (my mom) died because she was very sick... She lived with us for over a year because she had cancer and I was caring for her. My daughter has been getting a hold of my phone and calling my mom's phone to leave her voicemails. This is the first person close to her that she has lost. It hasn't really clicked yet, but when it does it is going to be absolutely catastrophic. Explaining death to a child is excruciating, especially when it is/was someone who was around often and so close to them. I have never had to do this before and I truly hope I never have to again, though I know that isn't realistic.
I'm sure there are worse things, but this is the worst thing for me currently.
Humans have evolved for millions of years in a life on which people always died. if we didn't have the mental and emotional abilities to survive the death of somebody close, we would have gone extinct millennia ago. Kids are far more resilient than people realize. People are fr more resilient than people realize. Despite what seems to be acceptable to believe these days, you don't get PTSD from reading a book about a tragedy, or seeing a death on TV. Humans are not made of crystal, and will not shatter from the lightest touch.
Honestly, it is the lack of a few minutes to yourself for contemplation.
“Parents can often get lost in the throes of mother and fatherhood but it is important that you take time for you to do things that you enjoy doing such as a sport, time with friends when your kids aren’t there, a creative pursuit, go on dates. It is about being a little selfish and prioritizing you,” the positive parenting coach concluded.
I’ve raised two to adulthood. Your children become your your raison d’être no matter how determined you are to carve out space in your life for you. They burrow into your soul. The hardest part? When they go, the first time you walk into that empty room. When it hits you that it’s over.
This resonates so much with me. Mine are 31 and 32. The oldest is married with 3 beautiful kids, his littlest just 2 weeks old. My youngest is my boomerang child. I didn't know what to do with all the time I had to fill when they both went their own way. I'm incredibly proud of the adult men they are, kind, caring, empathetic and warm. Most of all, when they are finding life a little tough or the s÷"@ hits the fan, they pick up the phone because sometimes they just need Mum.
Having your own mental health problems and navigating through that while giving your all to them
Aaaand that's why I'll never have a kid. My mom, her mom, and HER mom all had mental health issues. My maternal great-grandmother... didn't wait for a "natural" death. My maternal grandmother was institutionalized for a time. Crazy is in my DNA, and there's no way I'd saddle another generation with this. I have one sister, and we're on the same page -- it ends with us.
No/little free time
The first few years are the hardest. Once they start pre-K and Kindergarten, that's when you start getting some time to yourself.
The constant fear. It may not always be at the front of your mind but it's always there. Are they ok, are the feeling sick, happy, sad. What are they not telling me. Are they safe when they go out. Do they understand I'm not trying to be a complete a**e, will they be ok when I'm gone.
Yeah, mine is 18 and my bf ended up hospitalized with Covid and is now at a rehab facility to get his strength back so he can go home. I stay at his house a couple nights a week to make sure it still looks occupied and make sure no problems pop up (leaky toilet, etc). I still call my daughter those nights to be sure she's ok. Oh, and I also have to talk to the cat or she yowls all night looking for me lol
The fear.
Anything could happen, at any moment, that would completely destroy your world.
Different point of view here. From an old fart father, when after all your decades of effort and time, they don't need you anymore. We want them to be independent, responsible adults, and when they are it seems both satisfying and sad at the same time.
Loving someone so much, yet, sometimes you want to just beat the s**t out of.
If you have these feelings and are aware enough to not act on it, even on impulse, you are not a bad parents. It's normal. Kids get on our last nerves. That's normal for kids to do, too. It's a constant tug-of-war.
Do you like doing things? Say goodbye to doing any of those things.
Or teach your kids to love doing those things too... it's not a prison sentence
Laugh.
‘It is the best of times, it is the worst of times’
It’s a life style adjustment, but it’s not like any of it is the worst, it’s all good. Having a kid or kids can make things harder, yet it also makes things joyous in an equal number of ways. Losing sleep yep. Reading to them in quiet moments .. that too.
Changing diapers, yep. Taking a nap with a snoozing baby is nice too. there are a zillion trade offs and it’s all worth it if you are able to take on some major changes in your life.
We were together for 15 years before we had kids, so we were well dug in, had careers, a house, did the ‘double income no kids’ thing, traveled some, had life for us. Eventually we decided it was time to do it. I was unsure, but sorta ready. Best decision we ever made. Looking back, maybe we waited a tiny bit too long? Hard to say, but I think getting well prepared outweighs that, because it can make everything harder too and having a relationship that can withstand those changes helps.
This hits hard cause I will rather die than watch my kids suffer. Untill I can afford them it's only going to be a dream.
Watching your kid make the same mistake you did even though you tried to warn them about the dangers and let them know good and well what it cost you!
Being sick. I have had strep twice in the past two months. But even though I was in pain, wracked with fever, and just wanted to sleep, those tiny people still needed to be fed. They needed baths. They needed stories and love. They needed rides to their after school activities.
I just needed a nap
Stupid Dayquil ad. "MoMs DoN't TaKe SiCk DaYs". BS. Parents shouldn't have to torture themselves. One day, I became so sick with a terrible stomach flu, high fever, and constant, sudden indigestion I couldn't get off the toilet. I had to call the in-laws to come get my daughter, as her Dad was working his usual 12 hour shift. I've mentioned this before and people were criticizing me of getting the grandparents to "raise me kid". Not so. I didn't forfeit being a parent. I just needed my daughter to be in a place where she could relax and have access to the washroom when she needed. It was just for the night and the grandparents were still at their discretion to decline if they wanted. But I knew they love her and love to have her around, so they wouldn't mind. My own mom didn't live in the city anymore, and can only tolerate kids for so long. The next day I had my rest, felt better enough for my daughter to be brought back home. Take care of yourselves. Plus I didn't want flu passed on.
Being able to do seemingly next to nothing to console them when they see something traumatic.
Parents are not professional therapists, as I have discovered firsthand. Get professional mental help for your child. Sorry, school counsellors can/will only do so much. They cannot diagnose your child or offer long-term therapy.
Some days, due to any factors (no energy, stressed due to finances, etc...), you just can't deal with them. You don't have the energy to play with them, any small things will irritate you so much that you will yell at them for stupid reasons. You'll tell them to play alone to stop disturbing you. They will be sad and you will feel so much like s**t afterward. You will feel like you failed but you mentally could not deal with them. But they are young and you are the only thing for them so you will have such a big failure feeling. Those days are the worst, you already feel like s**t due to outside factors and then you add on top of that the feeling to fail as a parent.
It depends what you are already lacking in life. Don't have a lot of money? Wait until daycare bills add up.
Don't have a lot of free time or get much sleep? Welcome to being a zombie for a few years.
Don't have much patience? You will be tested with every fiber of your being to shake your baby when it won't stop crying. You absolutely CANNOT do this by the way. It's better to put it down in a safe spot for a few minutes till you can do a few deep breaths and calm down and come back a bit more level headed.
Have a difficult time agreeing with your spouse on plans or values? Get ready for divorce or eternal resentment.
Not much of a sex life? Welcome to celibacy.
My daughter is the light of my life and I have so much joy with her now that she sleeps through the night and has a personality, but being a dad is hard and I occasionally find myself in a panic attack because I'm nervouss for what the hell I'm gonna do in August when the new one is born. We are privileged in many ways but it's still so hard!
Having children tends to mature a person. If it doesn’t, it’s pretty sad for everyone concerned.
Lack of sleep impacts your ability to do everything else so that’s going as number 1. Number 2, for me, is that sometimes, when they’re having a full on breakdown because they don’t want to get in the bath they have literally every day on the one day you actually have to be somewhere, I look at them and really miss only taking care of me. I still love them, do not regret them, would never ever *tell* them, but they make things so much harder than it needs to be because they do not give a c**p about any priorities other than their own.
When that happens I do some deep breathing and remind myself that they’re just little kids, of course they don’t care about making other people wait.
Kids can sense when you're stressed out and anxious. That's why an upset parent will not be able to console her baby.
The constant fear that he could die at any point in time, if I’m not careful.
I was carting him around in his stroller, and walked past a fast-moving creek. Just looking at the speed of the water had me carting him as far to the right of it as I could be, without walking into traffic.
If you suddenly not become a parent.
2 sons, at 18 the oldest became paraplegic due to a cold that settled in his back. His younger brother died 9 years later. 😢
Whether they are toodlers or teenagers the following quote applies equally:
> It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop...ever, until you are dead!
Also, there is the possibility that despite doing all the right things they'll still turn out to be an a*****e.
We raise individual humans with their own spirits they were born with. We don't mold their personality, dictate their character and treat them as puppets.
Not me, but my best friend told me the thing he hates the most about being a parent is just not having any money for him to spend on his wife. Before they had kids, he would surprise her with little gifts every now and again and it would make her so happy. Now he's starting to feel bad now that he can't do that anymore
I'm sorry, but here is a person whose priorities are screwed up. Gifts don';t have to be expensive, and if this person is unhappy because they cannot buy their wife expensive gifts, they are not buying the gifts for their wife, they are satisfying their own ego. Gifts are about expressing love, not about spending money. Furthermore, helping with childcare is a better gift, since it is not simply spending money, but actually putting effort.
The fact that horrible things can happen to them and it will ultimately be your fault.
Nuclear war, climate crisis, pandemic. Once they're here, they're in this world you brought them into, for the long haul. And, it's not just world-wide existential type threats but like...any kind of pain or illness. You hear about things in the news, people suffering some random painful death of this or that cause. Or getting into some debilitating accident.
Whatever horrible thing you hear about. That's within the realm of human experience, that's something your kid could go through.
If your kid is not in your sights at this moment -- that's something your kid could be going through right now and you don't even know it. Having some anaphylactic reaction or getting crushed under playground equipment at pre-K or some other dumb random painful event.
Your kid vomits and you clean them and bundled them up and tell them "It's going to be okay, it's just a lil stomach bug" and it probably is but that's also probably what every parent who's kid caught some f****d up fatal disease told them at the outset.
After 80 or so years, you'll be gone from this world but your kid will still have to face whatever's left to come and, yeah maybe it'll be kind of cool but it could also be really s**t. Maybe it'll be one of these dark NSFL stories you've scrolled past about radioactive criticality accidents or people getting tortured by cartels.
"Imagine if X happened" is no longer some laissez faire daydream about how cool and confident you'd be in some hypothetical apocalyptic emergency. It's an eternal apology for whatever you've inflicted on previously blissful oblivion.
To me, that's the hardest part but also kind of the sleep-deprivation.
What I found really hard was being scrutinized by social workers at the hospital for any accident, and that trying to explain how an accident happened will never sound like an accident. It's now mandatory all injuries that wind up at the children's hospital have to be investigated by a CPS social workers. I'm glad mine is grown, now.
(as a father)
When they were too young and I couldn't connect with them.
When they are sick, need to undergo an operation.. even a blood sample or a vaccine, it really breaks my heart to watch that.
When you think you are doing that parenting thing right, but somehow your kid does the opposite as you expected.
When your partner and yourself are not on the same page in terms of parenting and it creates conflicts in the couple.
Ohhh, that’s why my parents acted like my surgery in 4th grade was a huge deal(they cried, I did not). I just viewed it as an inconvenience.
My kids are 1 and 3 years old and although i love them to death and would never want to lose them again I do sometimes miss my freedom. When i see how easy it is for ppl who dont have kids to do things such as travel or pursue hobbies i get kinda sad and wish i could still do those things too.
I don't know if this will help put things in perspective, but my mom's always been kind of bitter because she wanted to travel the world. Instead, she married my dad, etc. She'll be 72 this summer, and she'll be home on Monday; she and dad have been in Europe since mid-April. And last November, they went to Central America for their Anniversary. First time she'd been out of the country. Gonna remind her she's got five continents left -- my plan is to take her to Japan next year, hopefully (I've been, but that was almost 30 years ago). Whatever it takes, I'm gonna make sure this woman sees the world, or at least some highlights!
I hate packing lunch for daycare. I don't know why, but it is so stressful.
Same. I hate packing lunches for work, too. I also don't like meal prepping for the week. School/daycare lunches were the hardest. So many restrictions were the easiest, most affordable foods to make. Can't bring peanut butter jam sandwiches. No microwaves? Can't bring frozen lunch meals or anything else than has to get heated.
The death of your former self. For 20, 30 however many years you've been able to do anything on a whim. When you have kids that part of you dies, you have to come to terms with a life that revolves around something/someone else. It's hard to understand or internalize at first.
Wow, they should have never had kids. "That part of you" doesn't die, it more likely had to grow up and be a bit less selfish. And it's not you're whole life. Childhood refers to a stretch of time, not the entire lifetime. I hope the kid has another parent to rely on as this one seems unhealthy mentally in terms of being able to raise a kid.
Not a worst parts but my tip with kids.
1- don't hesitate to ask for help.
2- do not lock yourself to your kids. Have them babysit and go do something for you once in a while. Just take a brake. Go sit alone in a parking lot, go watch a movie, anything. Just take a brake from the kid(s).
3- don't try to raise your kids with everyone tips. Do not listen to your mom / dad on how to raise a kids, they did a bad job and you know it (jk).
4- good luck, you'll need it
Right now, for me...explaining the concept of death to my 3 1/2y old.
My MIL is having their senior dog put down this week, and we have to explain, gently, that kiddo is going to go to Grandmas this week and the dog who has been there her whole life will be gone & Grandma is going to be sad.
Also the constant worry and anxiety. That s**t eats you alive.
(But then you look at them and snuggle them and realize you BUILT A PERSON and my god is amazing. Its a love you will never be able to explain )
When we have to put a pet to sleep, my clinic sends the Rainbow Bridge poem to the owner. https://therainbowbridgepoem.org/ I still cant read it without tearing up. The ASPCA offers a pet loss hotline (877-GRIEF-10) where you can get advice on helping children cope with the death of a beloved animal. Additionally, the ASPCA has a list of recommended reading for kids on pet loss (American Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals).
not being on the same wavelength as other family members.. them trying to have your children be apart of their life when you are not .. thats awkward
Don't be afraid to cut anyone off over your kids, or cut any extended family out of their lives. They're YOUR kids. Few things are harder on your relationship with your partner than fighting with their family over how you raise your kids.
The strain it can put on your relationship. My wife had some pretty serious post partum depression which she took out on me and we were both pretty immature when our child was born. For the first eight months she could barely take care of herself and I had/have a very demanding job that left me on edge when Id get home. After a lot of fights and a strained relationship we slowly grew and came out a lot stronger than we were.
Despite the hardships I'm overjoyed over our child. I'm glad we were pretty young (by our country's standards) so that we will have more time with him and we're trying for another. Life changes dramatically and its impossible to be ready for it.
You will never again sit for more than 5 minutes at a time without having to fulfill some sort of request.
Today, my youngest screamed for 3 hours straight because of teething.
Both my kids are sick, I am sick, and I had them fighting for leg space to snuggle on me. All day.
Haven't slept through the night in 3 years. They wake me up at 6am usually. And it's a full day of non stop craziness. Every day. All day. Forever
Let them sort out some of their problems. Ask them what it is and say "Figure it out. I'm busy." They have to learn not everyone is going to drop what they're doing to come "save" them.
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Childless by choice here. My niece (3w) passed away last year. I fell in love with her instantly and would've volunteered to raise her if her Mom couldn't. I do not want to minimize anything on this post ....but please be thankful for what you have.
And here we go again, BP! Another topic on how bad Is having Kids! C'mon... It's disgusting.
Don't make decisions on people's overdramatic stories. But if you don't want kids, that's fine too. Lots of people that have kids shouldn't.
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Childless by choice here. My niece (3w) passed away last year. I fell in love with her instantly and would've volunteered to raise her if her Mom couldn't. I do not want to minimize anything on this post ....but please be thankful for what you have.
And here we go again, BP! Another topic on how bad Is having Kids! C'mon... It's disgusting.
Don't make decisions on people's overdramatic stories. But if you don't want kids, that's fine too. Lots of people that have kids shouldn't.
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