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“Pretended He Didn’t Know What A Baking Sheet Was”: 50 Relationship-Ending Moments
Sometimes love is blinding. We put up with people who are often not quite as good as our feelings would want them to be. It can take a lot of time, but everyone has a breaking point. So someone asked women in a one-sided relationship “What was your lightbulb moment it was time to end the relationship?”
From overcoming guilt to truly weaponized incompetence, netizens shared their personal breaking points when it comes to downright useless partners. So get comfortable as you read through, upvote your favorites, and share your own experiences in the comments section below.
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#1
He likes to say he is the man and I need to do as he says. He said this to me when I was practically begging him to help me around the house. He's the man of the house even when I pay for 100% daycare, 100% utilities, 100% groceries and half our rent and took care of our kids, the pets, cleaning and cooking. Sadly, it wasn't that or the abuse or the cheating that woke me up. It was my kid telling me we can make it without him. We never looked back after that.
Lunaofthenest (She/they) 1 year ago
That's not a "man of the house", that's a psychological disorder needing diagnosis. Hell, that's not even a decent roommate. Glad you're all free of that tyranny.
Papa 1 year ago
I'm not sure it's a psychological disorder. I think he's just a piece of s"!t.
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IMHO 1 year ago
My self-esteem was so beat down I couldn't even function. Then one day I decided "If I won't do it for myself I will do it for my son". We left that day...and it was glorious.
Jane No Dough 1 year ago
Good for you two! So glad to hear success stories. Setting a wonderful example for your child also.
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Paul Pienkowski 1 year ago
Children can occasionally see what we can't. We should listen to them more.
TotallyNOTAFox 1 year ago
Good luck finding something to lobotomize in the first place
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LA Murphy 1 year ago
Men, just for future reference, quit using the expression "man of the house" unless you're joking because it makes you sound old and clueless.
Jayjay 1 year ago
I love your "clueless", it makes me think of all the clueless "mansplations" I got through the years, and I use that as a "no-go" or clueless man :). However, there are so many more good men in this world! If only we would ditch the clueless ones sooner, it would be a better world!
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hearditontheX 1 year ago
Ladies you must love yourselves and never allow anyone to treat you like you don't matter
RELATED:
#2
When his dad asked me why I was staying with such an AH when I wasn’t even related to him. “You don’t owe him anything. Neither do we but he’s our son.” It made me realize I’d been waiting for permission to leave the whole time…
comfort the lame 1 year ago
Wow. Sometimes I want to ask my brothers wife the same thing. My brother is a true narcissistic piece of work and she could do better. But then again I wonder about her she seems to be complicit with his behavior. Things that make your hummmm?....
I'm bad at nicknames 1 year ago
I hope you do though I understand it's a really uncomfortable place for you to be in. Sometimes one just needs an out. I hope the best for all of you including your brother. 💙
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Jayjay 1 year ago
This is a real issue. You cannot divorce blood. You can try to keep them at a distance, but it is really hard to write them off. However, most people look to the relatives and how they treat their obnoxious ones, and think the "blood" treatment shows there is some value in the lousy one, which often there isn't.
MacintoshID 1 year ago
My late husband was in the same sort of relationship with first wife. Took him decades to realize he was only staying to keep his parents happy, but it was them who asked him why he was staying since she was a horrible person and had been the entire time.
Diane Jankovich 1 year ago
A narcissis is happiest when their underling person is totally submissive, obedient and never complains. The oppressor wants to be honored and adored. He or she will not admit to erring because they view themselves as perfect and above the law. They wll never go to couseling; that is for "people that are flawed & need help".
#3
When he screamed at me for leaving a light on while he was sleeping, two days after I had brain surgery and was still on some very strong painkillers. The best decision I ever made was leaving him.
Lunaofthenest (She/they) 1 year ago
I need to stop. I just want to find all these losers and spray the soles of all their shoes with WD-40.
Michael Largey 1 year ago
I don't know why he wasn't supportive of the OP's brain surgery, since obviously he'd served as the donor for one in the past.
Purplescales 1 year ago
I can't believe this. Post brain surgery you can barely function to breathe, let alone be in charge of somebody else's comfort
Amelia Ivy 1 year ago
I would pay a good amount of money to see somebody do that to somebody lol
WFH Forever 1 year ago
I filed for divorce from the hospital after spinal cord surgery. He left our 14 yo son home alone for the weekend (turned out he was with his mistress) and when the neighbors called for a child welfare check knowing I was 80 miles away in the hospital - he called me and accused me of "setting the cops on him.".
Kat-Renee Kittel 1 year ago
That screaming could have caused a bleed in the brain or stroke. I know because that almost happened to my mom after her brain surgery.
keyboardtek 1 year ago
The day my friend returned home after having heart bypass surgery his exwife shows up with the kids saying it was his day to watch them.
#4
After five years of severe abuse, someone I had just met saw me take a phone call with my then-boyfriend. He came up to me a few days later at our mutual friend’s house and said, 'I saw your face when you answered the phone. You looked upset and scared. It’s not right for a boyfriend to make you look the way I saw you look. He wasn’t doing it in a creepy way. He wasn’t trying to get into my pants. He was just a nice guy, making an observation and checking to see if I was okay. Plenty of people in my life had told me to get rid of that a***hole, but something about an acquaintance that I had just met making that observation really snapped me out of the fog I had been in. We became friends, and he helped me get away. I am convinced that that relationship would have k***ed me, and 15 years later, I am still so grateful to him for essentially saving my life.
Nightshade1972 1 year ago
A friend of mine was in an abusive marriage for more than 20 years. At one point, she was hanging out with a girlfriend, and they were swapping stories about their husbands. My friend nonchalantly mentioned something her husband had done to her. Her friend blinked, gaped, looked her in the eye, and said, "Um, you know that's abusive, right?!" He'd so thoroughly convinced her that the abuse was "normal," she didn't know any differently. She's divorced, happily remarried, and her ex voluntarily signed away his parental rights (by the time they divorced, the kids were too old for child support anyway).
Stephanie Barr 1 year ago
I had a friend do something similar for me, telling me not to talk down about myself all the time. I was better than that. (He was happily married, absolutely no coming on to me, just being a friend). I realized, that's how my husband talked to me. I was horrified because I knew better but needed someone to point it out.
David Brown 1 year ago
I stayed in a mentally and physically abusive relationship for allot longer than I ever should have. I was told countless times to get away from it and just kept telling myself it would eventually get better. What finally flipped the switch for me was after working a 15 hour day she had the nerve to tell me what a loser I was and no one else would ever have me and I'd die alone when she left. I told her I was leaving and would much rather die alone than to live in misery for what time I have left on this planet.
Huddo's sister 1 year ago
Similar thing happened with my best friend, except he was at their house when she got so scared she had to lock herself in the bathroom. He got her out of there and made sure she had somewhere to stay. They were friends for a while before dating and then getting married. I was worried at the start that she only liked him because he was her saviour, but being around them a few times I knew that wasn't the case.
#5
I told my husband that he needed to lay off our daughter for getting a B on a unit in chemistry. She was asking to quit all her extra-curriculars (that she loved) and didn’t to get out of bed. I said we needed to be worried about her mental state.
He said “Well, if the kids aren’t going to respect what I say, then maybe I should leave.”
It literally flipped the switch on my feelings for him, after 20 years together. Instantly. Our child was struggling and he was so self-absorbed that he could only think about himself.
Done.
Rayne OfSalt 1 year ago
As we used to say when I was at university, "C's get degrees".
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Courtney Christelle 1 year ago
I told my son I’ll never expect perfection, only that he tries to do well.
Bottle Opener 1 year ago
If they're that self-absorbed before kids, they'll be that self-absorbed with kids.
LA Murphy 1 year ago (edited)
What grade did that a*****e get in chemistry class? My Dad used to stand over me when I could not understand a math problem and smack me in the head if I could not come up with the answer. Turns out HE sucked at math too. But, yeah, I just wasn't good at math because I was a "girl". I have never met a father from my generation that wasn't either a bully, a disinterested narcissist or both.
Huddo's sister 1 year ago
If you mean Boomers, my dad was neither of those things, neither were many of my friend's dads.
Load More Replies... Rebecca Derr 1 year ago
I'd like to see him get an A for anything in Chemistry. Some people who do this need to walk a mile in the other person's shoes.
#6
It was when I was 2 weeks postpartum with our second child and bedridden, and he left to take a 10 day retreat/vacation in California. He called and said what a relief it was to feel free of me and babies on the beach. It was the first time I thought, "This is wrong, I am being used."
In retrospect, the financial abuse where he drained my wealth should have done it, but it was the more physically vulnerable postpartum time that got the message through.
Lunaofthenest (She/they) 1 year ago
I'm sorry you were betrayed so badly and hope you find freedom & happiness going forward. I also hope he catches a burning & painful rash that won't go away in a very inconvenient place.
Libstak 1 year ago
Yes, may the fleas of a thousand camels nest in his crotch.
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Daddy’s Girl 1 year ago
Free of you and the babies on the beach? What a dipsh*t. Sorry it took you so long
Vasana Phong 1 year ago
Even though this knowledge comes from negativity, on a good note it is awesome that women in this thread are the financial breadwinner in this household, lots of women would still stay in a bad relationship due to not having the means to take care of themselves financially and no family support
Lynn Morello 1 year ago
Sometimes it is surprising how little it takes to see the big picture,
#7
One night, he went to his friend's apartment and got wasted. He called me at 4 a.m. to come pick him up 30 minutes away. I did as he asked, and just as I am a minute from his friend's place, my cell rings. It's him, drunkenly stating, 'I'm home, thanks for nothing.' He had driven himself anyway because he didn't want to wait for me to pick him up and apparently thought I wasn't actually coming. I snapped my pink Motorola Razr shut and drove back to our place, gathered my s**t, told him I was done, and called my mom. I had put up with three years of cheating, assaults sexually, physically, and verbally, and I was done. My mother's first words to me were, 'Thank God. Come home.'
Lunaofthenest (She/they) 1 year ago
Mom always knows! I'm glad you had a solid support system ready to catch you when you made the leap. I realize now how lucky I was, even as complicated a person as my mom was, to have the door home swing both ways. I could always go back.
Rayne OfSalt 1 year ago
No, they don't. To this day my mother still doesn't believe that my ex-wife was physically violent towards me.
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Nightshade1972 1 year ago
I hope OP called the cops on that loser. Even if he made it home okay, he was still driving drunk and putting others at risk.
Colleen Glim 1 year ago
Reasons why I have always told my daughters to come home if s**t goes sideways. No woman should have to tolerate BS for the sake of somewhere to live
Ovata Acronicta 1 year ago
My family was like this for me too. I'd moved in with my abuser - after our relationship was over - because things at home were so rotten. Abuser ramped up his increasingly neurotic activity, stalking, trying to assault me... one night held me hostage in his room for 3 hours telling me how terrible a person I am, then ended it with coercion for sex. I said no, he got...scary. I waited til he fell asleep and packed my s**t and went home, ready to beg, but my Grandma told me the bed was made and ready for me. Dad assorted a crew of people and we went and got all my stuff.
Ovata Acronicta 1 year ago (edited)
Mind, I'd just considered my abuser an ex at the point his family let me move in to their house (although I realized later he'd assaulted me a number of times, so that was fun), but he really went in on trying to control me. It was a couple years before Dad got sober (although not by choice), but we've been pretty good since.
Load More Replies... #8
It occurred to me one day that there would be no relationship if I stopped trying. I was doing 100% and he was doing 0%. So one day, I just stopped everything. We didn’t have a final conversation or anything at all. I just stopped talking to him and we never talked again. It was a 4 year relationship.
comfort the lame 1 year ago (edited)
Thank God this precious person realized this in only 4 years. Could of been 44 years and 4 kids later. My heart is thumping and I am breathing a huge sigh of relief for this person I have never met because I GET ÌT. We make people into what we want them to be instead of who they actually are. "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers"
Little Wonder 1 year ago
Same for me. I realised if I didn't talk to him first, he'd never talk to me. So bye.
Oskar vanZandt 1 year ago
Four years lost but the rest of your life gained... May you find the happiness you deserve.
somnomania 1 year ago
my first relationship ended about that way. we went from talking on the phone every day, exchanging letters whenever we met IRL, and being close in public (we were teens) to me realizing all we ever talked about anymore was video games, and he was making zero effort to do anything else. the final straw was one day when i was on campus, having lunch and doing some homework, and he came by. we sat and chatted a bit, and then he got up to go get some food. i looked up after about twenty minutes when he hadn't come back, and he was sitting at a different table with his fries, talking to the girl there. i never confronted him or anything, i just stayed away from places on campus where he hung out, and we never talked again.
Ovata Acronicta 1 year ago
Same honestly. I just haven't stopped sending good morning and goodnight messages but that's all it's been with some small interruptions for a while. I didn't feel particularly supported by him through my Grandma's last days and her passing. And the biggest kicker is like... he's insecure about my DOCTOR because my doctor has expressed more normal human compassion to me at my appointments than he has. It's fckin wild.
William Sullivan 1 year ago
I have no doubt that ending the relationship was what he wanted and was to much of a coward to have the talk.
Roxy222uk 1 year ago
Sometimes one person wants the relationship so much that they put in too much and the other person kinda gets swept along. I've seen it. Yes, the less interested of the two parties should have realised that they were both entitled to better, but the person that's making it all happen isn't seeing clearly either.
hearditontheX 1 year ago
We must raise our daughters to be strong and get an education so they have the ability to walk away and be able to care of themselves and children if needed I had one daughter but I have two grandsons that have been raised to respect women like they respect their Mother. They have a great Father as well
#9
He complained about having to go grocery shopping. I had made the menu for the week, planned, budget it and pretty much paid for all of it. It made me so mad I told him to suck it up. He didn’t understand why I couldn’t do it. At the time I was working pretty much two full time jobs and going to school. He was working 30 hrs and used the rest to play video games. I have him a rundown of all I did at home and how much more I paid for everything. He half apologized. That was a big wake up call. Then that weekend he canceled the first date we were going to have in months last minute. He woke up late because he was tired but his friends called and he was up and ready to go in five minutes. By the time he got back home none of his stuff was in the bedroom. And finally I went out with a friend for coffee and I realized that I was laughing. And it hit me that I hadn’t heard myself laugh in a really long time. I almost started crying when I realized how sad my life was and how miserable I felt. When I got back home I told him I was moving out. He asked me where we were moving too. It took him a second to realize that I meant that I was moving out by myself. He suggested therapy, open relationships, he started actually cooking and cleaning but it was too late. A month later I was out of there. He ended up living in his car, crashing it ended up homeless for a bit. Moved in with someone else he got involved with while still trying to get back together with me. His friends reached out to tell me I was over reacting. I wasted over five years with him. Leaving him was the best thing i ever did. My current partner is amazing always has time for me and he will help me out at home even without me asking.
Lunaofthenest (She/they) 1 year ago
Nothing kills romance faster than being expected to be your SO's mommy & maid. Good for you!
tw 72 1 year ago
Exactly. He acts like a spoiled child and then can't figure out why she is not sexually attracted to him.
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Rachel Parker 1 year ago
Only thing wrong with this is if you and your current partner live together, he isn't "helping you out" by doing housework. He's just being a person that is doing their fair share.
Just me, myself, and I 1 year ago
This! Why do women always say men are "helping" them?
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Lady Gypsy Rain 1 year ago
I “love” how the friends always seem to “know” how you should react to their awful friends relationship when they had no part in trying to make him more accountable to you. And only after they have to help “support” his homeless a*s. And I have been homeless before in blizzard season in Colorado while married and pregnant. So I do have empathy for people who find themselves homeless but I also know it’s possible to survive, get back on your feet and help those who helped you (us) by doing things to earn the privilege to live in a barn. Homelessness isn’t always in a persons control but it’s certainly in a persons control to not be a beggar or take advantage of others just so you can laze about and just expect others to make things happen for you.
TotallyNOTAFox 1 year ago
There is one important rule as gamer: First the work and THEN the fun - not the other way around
Lydsylou (she/her) 1 year ago
Hopefully that will also change him so that he can find someone and actually be a good boyfriend in future. Sometimes people need a wake up call like that to change them
#10
He had been gaslighting me for our entire relationship, to the point that I started recording our conversations. He said something, and I disagreed and told him he'd said something else previously. He was adamant that I was lying and started to get angry. When I didn't back down, he told me I needed to go to the doctor to get on medication for my 'paranoia,' even though I had proof that I was right.
Becklass 1 year ago
When someone gets to the point of recording conversations with their partner to prove what’s being said is a real sign that partner is a narcissist. I did it with my ex, he’d start an argument saying something really nasty and I’d desperately defend myself. Then after he’d try to convince me it was me that said horrible things. I ended up so confused and exhausted. I was with him 24 years but I’m finally free. We only record them because they make us think we are crazy! Gaslighting someone is truly awful.
kate h 1 year ago
You are describing an abusive person, not a narcissist. (Abusers can be narcissists of course.)
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Lunaofthenest (She/they) 1 year ago
That would break the sanity of even the most patient person. How infuriating!!!
Paul Pienkowski 1 year ago
My dad did that with my whole family. We couldn't leave because of the money. He had a very very good job. If mom stayed until he died, she'd be set for life. She did. She stayed for fifty years. He died last year. We're finally happy. Mom even met someone. It's never too late.
#11
When I started to look forward to his business trips, because everything was so much easier and more pleasant when he was gone. I was only cleaning up after myself and an infant! (Which, that sucks in and of itself, but...) There was no second adult making messes and waking me up in the middle of the night to pester me for sex.
I got the idea, *this could be every day.*
I made it happen. And then the baby was the only one waking me up, because that's what babies do.
LA Murphy 1 year ago
I have found too many males either want to be your Daddy or they want you to be their Mom. It's been exhausting being a hetero female.
tw 72 1 year ago
There really are some good, solid adult men out there. Sometimes, they are just hard to find.
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Celtic Pirate Queen 1 year ago
My ex. I can't even count the number of times I'd wake up because he had started having sex with me WHILE I WAS ASLEEP. I explained that what he was doing was basically rape. He told me a husband can't "rape" his wife. So I looked up spousal rape and printed it off for him. I had quit voluntarily having sex with him because he was such a pig about it (coming up behind me while I was cooking or doing dishes and fondling my boobs or sticking his hand between my legs - regardless of who may be nearby). This was just about a month or so before I realized I was f*cking done. Still can't believe I spent 12 years with that a**hole.
TotallyNOTAFox 1 year ago
Oh, it says a lot about him... mostly stuff I'd not write here to avoid a ban
Load More Replies... #12
When I had cancer and had to have surgery. My grandma was coming over and I asked him to do the dishes, not much because I did them before I went to the hospital. He complained the entire time and we got into a fight. He told me it was “his coping skill”. I ended up doing them with a drain coming from my neck.
He called out of work “to help me” but played video games all day long and I did everything for myself.
He took me to my follow up appointment and road raged on our way there, then lectured me after I got upset with him. He wouldn’t come into the appointment with me. I left that day. It’s been 2.5 weeks since I moved back in with my parents and I realize if I had stayed, nothing would have changed. Lies have since come out and he has been blocked. I am healing, mentally and physically. I just can’t believe myself for letting it get that far.
Lunaofthenest (She/they) 1 year ago
People like this are masterminds at laying the groundwork for later gaslighting and emotional/ physical abuse. More likely than not, he started chipping away a little bit at a time so that by the time you realized what was going on, you were too enmeshed & broken to fight for yourself.
deanna woods 1 year ago
My father has been in a physical rehab facility and in and out of hospitals for the past several months and my mom still stands by him. She goes to see every other day at the facility he is at now( it's in a different town from where we live) and refuses to give up on him.
Paul Pienkowski 1 year ago
Ugh. Video game addiction is so bad. My girlfriend was addicted to WoW. So much so I dumped her at one point. She quit and was a totally different person. She's the girl I fell in love with again. Fck video games.
Nikki Trease 1 year ago
My ex got 6 weeks paternity leave, then took another 6 to "help me" he was never there, we let one of my friends stay to help, and she stole my pain meds and they were f*cking while I was recovering from a C-section, I had placenta percreta which didn't help the healing process. Also, my incision ripped when he had me help him move 2-40 gallon fish tanks and I ended up with an infection and all of my muscles were ripped in my lower abdomen ...I still hate him, and I always will, he's a garbage human.
Stephanie Barr 1 year ago
Yep, in hindsight, it can be amazing what you put up with. This guy sounds like my ex.
#13
When she was so terrible with our finances that I had to get a 2nd job, we had to get roommates, and the whole time she came up with excuse after excuse as to why she couldn't get another job and why she couldn't cut back on her spending. And then she turned around and bought her mom a Disney trip on MY credit card without even asking me first or giving me a heads up. I found out when I went pay the bill and it was a couple thousand dollars higher than I expected.
I stayed with her for so long because i'd grown up with people saying relationships are hard work. So I thought it was the right thing to do to stay with her and work through our issues together. But at that point I realized I didn't care if it made me a bad person or an a*****e. i had no desire to continue to be someone's piggy bank.
6 months after leaving her, I scraped enough together for a down payment on a house. 6 months! I kick myself imagining how much more money I'd have had I left her sooner. That's how much she was bleeding from me.
Elio 1 year ago
Relationships are hard work, but both people need to put effort in. One person being unemployed or underemployed and spending all the money is just leeching.
tw 72 1 year ago (edited)
"Givers need to learn to set boundaries because takers don't have any."
Load More Replies... Alexandra 1 year ago
I'm not disputing that relationships can be hard work, but one of the things marriages that have lasted 50 to 60 years or more have in common is that the spouses just look after each other naturally. Perhaps hard work is an indication that this relationship is not for you. Of course, adapting to a life together is not easy, but hard work is something else. That's what you do when wearing an orange jumpsuit at the side of a road wielding an implement to cut the grass.
Beachbum 1 year ago
Damn, I feel this so much. I paid for everything, rent. utilities, he gave me minimal amount of money. Then he wanted take out from somewhere for food, I asked are you buying because I pay for everything else, he threw a pissy temper tantrum, I still stayed. I was getting ready to leave him because he treated my son so bad, my daughter was away at college, then he overdosed and died. I grieved for a long time.... took lots of therapy and time to make me realize it was an awful relationship, totally one-sided, he took and took and never gave. For God's sake on Mother's day, I took my two kids out to dinner, brought him home a meal, and he got pissed that I did not get him a loaded baked potato, instead of just sour cream and butter. I just yelled at him and said then don't f*****g eat it.... I totally get it now when abused women say it is hard to leave. He always told me that if I left he would kill me, but I was at my breaking point.
Lady Gypsy Rain 1 year ago
Relationships take work during the tough times but shouldn’t ever be “hard” work. That only happens when one of the parties refuses to contribute work on their end.
Oskar vanZandt 1 year ago
Not cool spending your spouse's money frivolously... and behind their back. Better off without the human-shaped sponge...
Aimee Parrott 1 year ago
Yeah, it took me a long time to realize that there's a difference between healthy hard work and drudgery.
Paul Pienkowski 1 year ago
Yeah, my dad got away with abuse, but mom wasted as much money of his she could. New computer every year. A car for my brother and I. Dad couldn't say anything. He wanted us to be independent men.
IMHO 1 year ago
I'm not making any excuses for her, just wondering if she might have a mental illness of some sort. Like maybe bi-polar. When they're in a manic phase they literally cannot control their spending. Just a thought.
Zoe Belen 1 year ago
Does it matter? While I'm all for helping people when I can, there comes a point where they will drag you into the depths with them if you don't watch out. This is a matter of survival. And with many people, it's not an illness, it's simply being a user.
Load More Replies... #14
My fiancée barely reacted when I told him I got a big promotion, which involved a 25% pay rise, a car allowance, and managerial responsibilities. He never listened when I talked to him about my job, but this especially stung. We'd been together for seven years and had our wedding planned, deposits paid, and invites sent out. I'm so relieved I realized I didn't want to spend my life with him when I did.
Lunaofthenest (She/they) 1 year ago
I'm going to go ahead and take a guess that he talked endlessly about his job and someone was always "keeping him down" or "sabotaging" his growth. He was clearly jealous. Good for them for walking away!
Linda Lee 1 year ago
My ex also said everyone was sabotaging him at work. He took the company truck, with permission, but got a drunk driving ticket that night. Ya know what he said? It was the cop's fault for pulling him over.
Load More Replies... Rebecca Derr 1 year ago
It just kills me that these women feel so bad about themselves. Every person should love themselves for who they are, no matter what.
TotallyNOTAFox 1 year ago
"Think about yourself first or nobody else will" - one of the most useful advices I've heard so far
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Mary Kelly 1 year ago
yep, dated someone who didn't hustle to work as much as i did and his career took the hit tell me that he "could have lived [his] whole life without hearing about [my] f*****g raise!"...i didn't laud it over him, i just wanted us to go out and celebrate...
Lady Gypsy Rain 1 year ago
So much less expensive to just walk away from the money that is “sunk cost” than to spend years being miserable and married. Divorce is far more costly than the money you walked away from. Both financially and emotionally.
William Sullivan 1 year ago
My wife makes twice what I do. Wasn't always that way, but it is now and probably will be going forward. I think it's great, she's super smart and deserves everything she worked hard to get. Just like some of these guys above, I can be a bum about house cleaning. But their is a middle ground, I do the shopping and cooking etc. Gotta make an effort and COMMUNICATE when your not happy. If he doesn't get it, men can be thick. Treat him the way he treats you, then he will understand. Seems giving up is the moto of our times. My marriage has had ups and downs and when we figure out the problem and fix it we always come out stronger on the other side.
#15
My husband was gone for a few days and the kids and i didn't even notice lol
Paloma Vita 1 year ago
I am not sure I believe this one. I mean, how do you not notice you are alone in bed?
William Sullivan 1 year ago
Shows you have checked out of your relationship. Grow a pair and end it so he can find someone that will miss him. As for feeling that way about your children? Why bother having them.
#16
One day, he crossed a line I did not know I had: He called me a stupid b***h. He had cheated, manipulated, gaslit me, and called me crazy so many times in the couple years we were together, and I stupidly put up with him, but for whatever reason, this was my last straw. I no longer felt weak — I felt angry. I threw all his stuff into the dumpster at my apartment and never spoke to him again. It was so out of character for me, but I felt so powerful.
Lady Gypsy Rain 1 year ago
And had I been a friend of yours, my response would’ve been “oh no he DIDN’T”. And applaud you for refusing to continue to be his doormat
William Sullivan 1 year ago
You had me at cheated. No need to go further. Without trust their is no love or respect.
#17
Oh hell, mine was the moment back in 2010 when he called his mom on the phone and ask if he could go live with her. He didn't mention if WE (myself and our 5 year old son) could also live with her. I had to ask him very out loud (so she could hear me) "What about us??!" Then he changed it to, "Oh yeah and them too". I knew then love was no longer a thing between us and I'd fallen out of love at that very moment.
IMHO 1 year ago
Sometimes, like a flip of a switch, you look at your spouse and instead of thinking "Mmmmmm Yum" it's "Ewwwww Barf".
Lady Gypsy Rain 1 year ago
I’m not so sure that “love” in the relationship wasn’t always one sided
Bridgit Gilmore 1 year ago
I always said, when talking about my x, that I didn't fall out of love...I was pushed.
#18
When he spent daycare money on cigarettes. Our rule was diapers first, even if it meant we ate ramen a few times a week. I scrubbed toilets to cover rent when he lost his jobs. This was after 7 years of me doing 99% anyways, but once I couldn't make up for his deficiency and it impacted my ability to care for our kids, that was the lightbulb. Been almost 4 years. Best choice I ever made.
#19
The moment I knew happened the first time he saw me after nine weeks of being apart. Instead of being excited to see me, he snapped at me immediately. I realized I had been happier without him and left for good two days later.
#20
I let myself into the house after work after travelling 45 mins one way. It was after 6pm. The house was in darkness. Husband worked from home. He was lying on the couch watching YouTube. He did not get up off the couch to greet me. He was not unwell. No food was ready for dinner. This was the standard situation but this one got to me.
Also, my daughter and I were rear ended in the car. We drove it home not far away and went into the house and told him. “How’s the car” he said. Later on I said how it had upset me that he didn’t ask how WE were. Cue shock. “ I could see you were fine!”. I cooked dinner that night with an ice pack on my shoulders.
#21
when he was nearly 30 and pretended he didn't know what a baking sheet/cookie sheet was because I asked him to make dinner one night - it was a frozen lasagna, the instructions were to put it on a cookie sheet and shove it in the oven.
Lunaofthenest (She/they) 1 year ago
Weaponized incompetence strikes again. Imagine the hassle of having to produce ALL of his own meals now? Great strategy dude.
Philler Space 1 year ago
If only there were easy access to all the information ever recorded on some mobile device everyone carried in their pockets.
Paul Pienkowski 1 year ago
I can't do frozen lasagna. Must be self made. Only I can add enough cheese.
MarieTDr 1 year ago
Sorry, Paul, but you can add cheese to frozen lasagna. As much as your little heart wants. If there's enough cheese, you won't even taste the frozen lasagna. :)
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#22
When he sat me down after a long day (of me working 2 jobs, going to school and raising our child) to tell me about how I'm not meeting his "needs"
Oskar vanZandt 1 year ago
So many useless man-babies pestering their spouses to "fullfil their needs" when they have contributed nothing to the relationship in any way...
Flora Porter 1 year ago
Judging by Reddit this is normal, but I've no idea why people think that identifying their own needs and boundaries makes a contract for the other person.
Lady Gypsy Rain 1 year ago
I know this feeling too. Hopefully the garbage took itself out for you in the end
IMHO 1 year ago
With all due respect and empathy, WOULD SOMEBODY PLEASE WATCH A YOUTUBE VIDEO ABOUT NARCISSISTS. Good God already. Enough!
Grimhild 1 year ago
You don't know what you don't know. I didn't know about it until I was in my late 30's after a series of strange events in my family. Turns out my whole family is like this and no wonder I ended up with someone just like them. Why would you shame someone for not knowing what they don't know?
Load More Replies... #23
I was doing everything but paying the rent and bills - and I offered to pay a fair portion, but he insisted that he ought to do it. I was keeping house, running errands, making minor repairs, planning dates - you name it, it was me.
I was encouraging him to pursue his dream job as a writer, so he would spend his time after work in the office I cleaned up for him and I would bring him his dinner. I found out that he hadn’t been writing at all - he had been playing StarCraft for weeks, maybe months while I waited on him so he could write. THEN I found out that his parents were paying for everything for us. Rent and bills. His paycheck went mostly to buying b******t he didn’t need. I’ve told this story before but his parents weren’t wealthy and his dad worked a very taxing blue-collar job.
Lunaofthenest (She/they) 1 year ago
I hope his parents made him pay it back. The level of entitlement in these posts is just insane.
Sonja 1 year ago (edited)
I doubt it. Such behaviour doesn't develop in a vacuum. Those men have been enabled at some point, usually by parents who don't let their kids feel consequences. They jump in and help out again and again, saving their children from their own bad decisions until they die, and then the bad habits are so deeply engrained those men never see their own flaws. Such men rarely ever change.
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Kate Chupein 1 year ago
This is the third post where the OP mentions hubby prioritizing playing games over real life interaction. Perhaps the take away here ladies is that if you notice someone your dating spends a lot of time playing in fantasy world you should keep looking for a more engaged partner, because, even if you enjoy playing the games with him while you are dating, once the kids come along and there are bills to pay it seems likely you will be shouldering the work while he gets angry if you try to cut into his gaming time.
Shaunn Munn 1 year ago
This is why parents never OWE their children an inheritance. If they want to gift it, fine, but this guy shouldn't get a shiny penny!
Papa 1 year ago
His parents are at least partly to blame. I love both my children, but I'm not going to finance them while they're able to work but won't. If his dream is to be a writer, that's great, but work during the day and write in the evenings and on weekends. Your responsibilities come before dreams.
#24
I kept going to take a shower and realizing I already had. The only time I had a minute to myself was in the shower. It was like working two full time jobs. Worked all day in the office to drive home to do house work/child care until bed. I would wake up hating life. Now I'm single and so much happier.
Lunaofthenest (She/they) 1 year ago
If you're doing it all anyway, no sense it doing it with someone who just adds to your burdens.
Sonja 1 year ago
Men making themselves obsolete in a relationship and then not understanding why they're left behind is a sad thing. It hurts so much to realise the difference between having to do everything on your own because you are alone and having to do everything on your own despite having a partner. I was lucky enough that when I realised that, I also realised it was because I had trust issues and didn't let my partner step up and when I stopped hiding my needs from him he did indeed do his part. But I fully understand how it must feel if you realise you won't get help from your partner.
Zoe Belen 1 year ago
That's very insightful. Good on you for being aware enough to see what you were doing.
Load More Replies... Lady Gypsy Rain 1 year ago
When you wake every morning wishing you hadn’t, it’s time to get help and make some changes. I know this feeling too
#25
When I had suffered through 1.5 years of post-partum depression without realizing it, and I was sitting on the couch with our child sleeping in my arms, and I was sobbing to my then-husband, saying "Something is wrong with me. I need help. I can't do this alone."
He didn't even look up from his phone. He just kept scrolling and flatly said, "I already raised my kids. This one is yours."
Stayed with him 8.5 more years for a total of 12.
Finally out now, tho!
IMHO 1 year ago
He must have really messed with your head for it to take 12 years. But I totally get it.
Barbara Skolly 1 year ago
Hmm, shocking that things didn't work out with the mother(s) of his other kids.
Shelli Aderman 1 year ago
If it was “yours,” where’s the other half of the DNA from? 🤷🏻♀️🤦🏼♀️
William Sullivan 1 year ago
I'm curious what the conversation was prior to having this child. He obviously already had adult children and does not seem enthusiastic about having this one. I agree with dark violet, that is cold. But if his choice was no more kids and she pushed for more? He gave her the it was your choice and your responsibility line.
#26
The last straw for me was finding out that his mother was at our place, looking through my drawers and belongings while I was at work. She found my medication and called MY MOTHER to tell her I was a liar for not telling anyone about my health issue (my ex did know; we just didn't tell her because it was none of her business). I was extremely angry and told my ex what had happened, expecting him to be shocked, too. Turns out he wasn't. He let his mother snoop in the first place, knew that she called my mom, and didn't bother to tell me. At that point, there was already a long history of MIL terror, and he just wouldn't stand his ground or protect me. I left in the evening of that day.
Kate Jones 1 year ago
Crazy MiL strikes again! There are some really bananas MiLs out there doing this kind of stuff. How in the world does anyone justify this behavior and why is there never anyone on the other end calling them out on it. I know you left, but for some other woman's stories I've read here... like...I would have absolutely asked her what she was thinking doing something like this and it's none of her business and the locks are now going to be changed. And if your husband is allowing it I would ask him for a reason as to why and if he still wants to be married to you because if you find out he's doing this again you're going to ask for a divorce. I feel like so many woman are tiptoeing too much around MiL's.
#27
When our sex life fell apart. We were having sex once every 4-6 months. I was practically begging for it, but every time we tried I realized I didn’t even want him anyway because I was too busy being the manager of the household and basically his mother. I was 29 years old but every time I looked in the mirror I felt like a washed up old woman. That was the last straw.
Lunaofthenest (She/they) 1 year ago
Yeah, it's really difficult to go from dirty dishwasher to dirty talk with nothing in-between. Good for you for seeing your worth!
Alexandra 1 year ago
So you've noticed it too....... And then men complain that women have unrealistic standards when it comes to men!
Load More Replies... 1 year ago
When i quit begging, our sex stopped, because for some reason, he was unable or unwilling to initiate sex.
FloralDangerNoodle 1 year ago
Same here. He's the most perfect husband in every other way, though, so...I've just accepted it.
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#28
It just…stopped. I had no more mental energy. We were living in a somewhat ‘fundamentalist Christian’ community and I had no support as a wife or a woman. I reached out for help and no one was there. I became s******l. It was oddly enough his boss telling me that I had to be a better wife or leave today. I left that day.
deanna woods 1 year ago
I wish more Christians would see the strength that is inside every single woman.
Michael Largey 1 year ago (edited)
Too many try to suppress it when they do.
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WindySwede 1 year ago
Same, suicidal, if we don't talk about it I ghibk it's worse? Can't even have it in writing because of your sponsor money BP?
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Carlye Piparato 1 year ago
Religion was invented by men with a need to rule and mistreat women.
#29
For me, it was when my then-husband blamed me for the weather. Everything that was not perfect was always my fault. He'd been unreasonable like this for so long, but him angrily pointing his finger at me because it was raining was the last straw. I made the decision to gently push him out of my life. The most infuriating thing is that, now, he tells everybody how perfect I was and that I never made a mistake.
Lunaofthenest (She/they) 1 year ago
Okay, legit question: when confronted (I have to assume at some point they were like "how tf is the RAIN my fault?") How did this moron defend his righteous anger? Did this person walk around with a Farmers Almanac & a smug grin?
LakotaWolf (she/her) 1 year ago
I've gotten blamed a few times for stuff like this. Usually stuff gets said, like, "I wanted to leave at 10am, when it WASN'T raining! You took too long getting ready and we left at noon and now it's RAINING."
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IMHO 1 year ago (edited)
I hope when you "gently pushed him out of your life" and finally out the front door, it was raining.
kim heffernan 1 year ago
My ex husband was exactly the same. He would blame me for red lights, traffic etc because I am white and we both lived on England. He would say, " it is your government so it is your fault" he was Bangladeshi.... we both lived in England..... I am Irish. We are also both second generation
#30
In college I was going through premed finals and he offered to make me dinner so I could relax. He had no car and no money so I picked up and paid for the groceries after helping him decide what to make. I get home after a 15 hour day of class work and studying and he was sitting in my apartment using my tv and didn’t start dinner until I asked him to. I ended up having to coach him through the entire dinner until I was the one actually making the dinner. My roommate pointed it out to me in passing and I woke up. Also, this is a friendly plug to everyone in this thread to read Fed Up by Gemma Hartley. You will feel so validated.
Sonja 1 year ago
Such men silently think you should decline their offer. They don't really mean to do it, it's just the offer that's supposed to pacify you. They fully expect that you fawn over the offer and reward them for 'being so thoughtful' but adamantly believe you are wrong if you actually accept and expect them to do it. They don't think you're an equal and they believe you should know that too and thus for should do twice as much out of gratefulness just for the thought they could do what they offer but be aware you don't deserve it. They have very twisted minds
Linda Lee 1 year ago
I was recovering from surgery. He said he would make dinner and I thanked him. Around dinner time he had to run out and do "that thing" but he'd be right back, and he was. Hours later he still didn't make dinner. Turns out "that thing" he had to do was get fast food for himself. Near midnight I drove myself to get fast food. He yelled at me when I got home. He said it was my fault for not reminding him to make dinner.
Rayne OfSalt 1 year ago
The only times I've refused to cook is when my partner wants shellfish. Sorry, that stuff will kill me. You're welcome to have it, but I'm not risking my life by messing with it.
Lunaofthenest (She/they) 1 year ago
I also hear really good things about "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft.
Ervin Conn 1 year ago
I am a terrible cook and we both know it. I can make enough to keep me alive and actually make one or two things that are OK. I make a decent Beef Wellington and made a holiday Duck Confit but the lead time for those is too long. I would have just offered to get a favorite take out or go out if she was up to it.
#31
I got a tattoo of a small flower on the inside of my knee, symbolizing my commitment to being a good mother to my son. Quite a few years after, I graduated from college summa cum laude and wanted another tattoo. I decided I wanted a butterfly on my left breast, right above my heart. He threw a fit and told me he wasn't going to be married to a tattooed woman. It was all about control and what other people would think. That was it. I got that tattoo, and a lot more since we divorced. I have a full back-piece that comes over the tops of my arms, the outsides of both thighs, one calf, one ankle, and one foot. My current husband loves me, tattoos and all.
deanna woods 1 year ago
My dad is not a fan of tattoos, but he doesn't have a problem with my mom having them.
Robin Childers 1 year ago
My ex-bf broke up with me for getting my waist-length hair cut to my shoulders so I could donate it to Locks of Love. He was strict, backwoods Pentecostal. Women wore long hair, ankle-length skirts, the whole deal. We both dodged a bullet, so it is what it is.
Becky Samuel 1 year ago
On the flip side, I can understand why a life partner should be given some leeway if you're making a permanent change to your appearance.
J22 Nol213 1 year ago
As a tattooed woman - I get my tattoos for a reason. One is to remind me that am loved, across my wrist for a very obvious reason. If your SO loves you, they can love you and the things you choose to make yourself feel beautiful or support your mental health. What happens when I need surgery and it permanently alters something, like a breast removal for cancer; should my SO have the right to say - well, that scar will make you unlovable, don’t get the surgery. Becky - I can only assume you meant elective changes, and FYI - tattoos can be removed, so that wouldn’t necessarily be permanent.
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Jenn Smith 1 year ago
Rock those beautiful tats! And enjoy being with a person that loves you!
Lady Gypsy Rain 1 year ago
Your body, your choice. Happy to hear you realized your worth is more than just an argument over a tattoo
keyboardtek 1 year ago
There is the perception among some men that a woman who has lots of tattoos is a loose trashy woman who would never be faithful. Maybe her first husband thought she was turning into one like that.
Steve Hall 1 year ago
Not everyone thinks tattoos are attractive but they should not be a marriage ender.
#32
The last straw was when I caught him smirking while yelling at me. That smirk ended 20 years of marriage.
Jay Scales 1 year ago
Oh yeah - I'd be telling my ex something important & upsetting & he'd be smirking too. Made me hate him in the end.
Mayhem 1 year ago
When I sprained my ankle, my soon-to-be ex-husband laughed at me, and insisted on knowing whether or not the doctor prescribed my crutches. She did, and why do you care?!?
Load More Replies... #33
When I came home from work he was laying on the sofa playing video games.(He was unemployed at the time.) Dishes in the sink, the bed wasn't made, the house was a mess. He didn't even lift his head to greet me.
IMHO 1 year ago
So, I've noticed that about half of the posts I've read so far are pretty much the same. #1. Woman works her a** off. #2. Husband is a lazy loser. #3. Woman stays with lazy loser. WTF?
Duh 1 year ago
Well with "relationship ending" in the title of the article, I'd say they aren't staying with anyone.
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Vasana Phong 1 year ago
Video games so far is mostly included in this thread, if it takes control of your life then something is wrong with you
Lunaofthenest (She/they) 1 year ago
Just to be clear, I just commented the wrong thing under the wrong comment, nothing sinister or nefarious 😁
C. Rut. 1 year ago
Lol I always wonder what terrible things someone said when their comment is deleted.
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BucFan531 1 year ago
Not to play devil's advocate, but was he depressed? We (as women) expect our partners to understand the lethargy and lack of drive that is associated with depression, but that same behavior can look like "laziness" from the outside. Men are just as likely to suffer from depression. It's not ALWAYS weaponized incompetence, sometimes it's just the cost of being human.
Beachbum 1 year ago
This would always drive me crazy, my husband would always get laid off in the winter, he built pools. I would stop of the grocery, get a call on my phone, not hello, how was your day, but "where you at" I am at the f****n grocery store! Then when i would get home, he wouldn't even et out of his chair to greet me or help with the groceries. Why Istayed so long I don't even know
Rizzo 1 year ago
I quit my job and moved in with my wife at the start of the Pandemic because of the restrictions for people living in different households. We were together for 15 years and married for 5 years at that point and I didn't find a job for almost two years. But I perfected my cooking skills during this time and greeted my wife almost every day with a homemade dinner. Yes, I played video games and procrastinated a lot - but I also supported my wife and it really strengthened our relationship.
somnomania 1 year ago
that sounds like depression, honestly, which doesn't excuse it but could at least partially explain things
#34
When he punched out my rear view mirror while I was driving because I asked how his job search was going.
Maartje 1 year ago
This. I had a fiancee who suddenly turned abusive and hit me through the room. Slept that night in his roommate's room, packed up next day, never looked back, in spite of him sending letters, tapes, calling and showing up at my house.
Load More Replies... DarkViolet 1 year ago (edited)
He would have walked from that point on, had I been the one driving. Permanently.
#35
Oh, there were a ton. But something that was just the beginning of the end--- He abandoned me when I almost died during my c-section. When he came back he only had a half a**ed apology. And he didn't even bother to buy me flowers Twas a lonely time in my life. And the beginning of a darker, harder, lonelier time.
Jennifer Lias 1 year ago
I was in chemically induced labor ALL day. He decided to run home and get something to eat. After a couple hours I called and could hear the video game. After having a beautiful girl I decided she would NOT be raised by someone so out of touch, and lazy. 28 years later my daughter is rocking her job, and I'm happy!
SlightlyTarnished 1 year ago
I'm just not seeing how someone can have a ton of reasons to leave but decides to have a baby with the person. WTF
Lady Gypsy Rain 1 year ago
I had a miscarriage and nearly bled to death. When the doctor came in to see me, before they knew I was in such bad shape, I couldn’t feel anything in my body from the chest down because of the volume of blood lost. My (now) ex just asked the doctor if he could leave now. The doctors immediately yelled at him to get the f**k out and let them get on with caring about his wife more than he did. This all after him having disappeared for a couple of days just to come home the same day I miscarried. I’d love to say that was the end for me but it took another year of his abuse and medical abuse (by refusing to take me to the er or other life saving appointments) before he came home to tell me he had a gf and I would just have to allow that to continue because I couldn’t take care of everything and work and care for a 5 yo if he wasn’t around. He Fafo that day. I’ve not been a doormat for anyone since. That was nearly 23 years ago.
Oskar vanZandt 1 year ago
I'm sorry that the OP had to go through this and that she had a hard time of it going solo... Hope she managed to find happiness.
Paul Pienkowski 1 year ago
Man, reading these is like reading my dead dad's bio. My grandpa was the first man to hold me. And he was my dad in every way but biological.
Anne35383 1 year ago
It would have been an outward sign that he cared, even if he didn't express it verbally
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Hey! 1 year ago (edited)
There are several reasons why someone wouldn't leave an abusive relationship. Here are a few: guilt, no money, shame, no support, no bulb-light moment, trying to save the relationship, nowhere to go, etc. Edit: How I missed fear is beyond me; fear is also powerful, especially when you get a "leave me or die" message.
Load More Replies... #36
The last straw — that literally snapped something in my brain — was him suggesting we get separate bedrooms. I highly, highly suspected he was cheating AGAIN, but I had no solid proof. I knew him well, and I knew his 'plan' was to keep me around for 'wifey stuff' and to keep up appearances, because his family looks down on divorce. So, when the time came, I told him we were getting a divorce instead. In the end, this actually forced him to have his side chick move in. I ended up telling his family about the divorce, because he tried to hide it, hoping I'd change my mind. I didn't. He got everything he wanted, and he still wasn't happy. Since our divorce though, I've never been happier. It was a rough way to get there, but so worth it.
Rayne OfSalt 1 year ago
I still celebrate the day my finalised divorce papers were delivered to me. I call it "free life day", and it was the 10th anniversary this year.
SeaJaySea 1 year ago
Congrats to you guys! I'm happy you all feel free now :)
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TotallyNOTAFox 1 year ago
"highly suspected he was cheating AGAIN" - That would have been the point I would have left. Disloyalty is one of the worst things somebody can do to his/her SO in a relationship
Trey Frog 1 year ago
I went to separate bedrooms nearly 20 years ago, when it became too painful to share a bed with someone who refused to touch me. I'd be long gone if we had a functional social safety net. I stay for the medical insurance, because I'd be dead without it.
Denise Korski 1 year ago
You have my sympathy. I pray that life gets better for you. xoxoxoxo
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#37
When he had an affair while I was busy taking care of everything so he could golf on the weekends to “relax after working all week” (we both worked full time) and then blamed me because I wasn’t a good partner. All while not noticing that I was deeply depressed.
MissMePhoenix 1 year ago
I hope you have found the help you need for your mental health. That person does not deserve the air they breathe.
#38
When he became my fourth child. I gave birth to 3 children, I didn’t need a fourth
#39
When he didn’t show up while I was hospitalized pregnant with our baby. When he didn’t show up to the NICU. When he wouldn’t even bother to wake up on a Saturday to spend time with me. I’m in it still but I want out
Spencer's slave 1 year ago
Sweetheart, get you and your baby out as soon as possible. He will never change but you will have a world of people to lean on when you need them.
Lunaofthenest (She/they) 1 year ago
You can do this. I know it seems impossible but you can and will survive this and go on to find happiness.
deanna woods 1 year ago
Leave, my dear. You have been given permission to take your life back.
Jana Spreemann 1 year ago
It's not even about him letting you down by doing what he does - It's about you letting yourself down by not leaving. Take care of yourself! Do not allow him making you a victim.
#40
My breaking point was when he cheated on me — for the third time that week — with a person online who wasn't even real. I know this because anyone could see that it was a fake account, and this was later confirmed to be true. I was dumb enough to give him a chance after the first time, but I was done. He then tried to convince me that my new boyfriend was cheating on me, in an effort to win me back. You mean... like you did? What a clown.
Amy Dunaway 1 year ago
The definition of cheating is between the partners. One partner considered a cheating that was the important part.
Ace 1 year ago
I don't understand this one - how was he cheating? Or are we just talking about sexting, flirting etc? Not exactly what I'd call cheating.
SadieCat17 (she/her) 1 year ago
Full on sexting is definitely cheating...
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Anyone-for-tea? 1 year ago
Sexting an actual person is the same as doing it with an NPC in a video game?
Load More Replies... #41
When you realize you are better off without them a they add nothing
Vasana Phong 1 year ago
I think a sign too is when they’re out and about, you feel more relaxed but when they come back home that anxiety starts to creep up
1 year ago
That's me, but i can't get him to leave the house for anything but doctor visits. He has no friends, no hobbies. Unfortunately, my anxiety was reduced when he was in the hospital (and i couldn't go, due to covid rules).
Load More Replies... #42
When my STBXH told me I was replaceable, and when he told me “you make less money, so you deserve to do more.”
SadieCat17 (she/her) 1 year ago
STBXH stands for "soon-to-be ex husband" if anyone was wondering
Anyone-for-tea? 1 year ago (edited)
Ohhhhhhh, I was wondering! The best I had was shït-twat-bastard, then I was lost!
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Renee Prete 1 year ago
My ex would tell me that I got paid for what I was worth. Didn't remember that I helped put him thru college
Barbara Skolly 1 year ago
I remember talking to a male co-worker about the uneven distribution at home while i was still married. He asked "not that it matters, but who makes more?". I responded that it shouldn't matter but I made significantly more than him, and I worked more.
#43
I was away for a couple of months, about a month in I cried on the phone with him because I missed him, and all I wanted was to know I wasn't alone in this, that he missed me too.
He got angry and said I'm asking too much of him. So he stopped talking to me, cuz I was upset he didn't miss me.
1 year ago
You can't ask someone to have the emotions you want them to have. He could pretend. Is that what you wanted? If he didn't miss you the way you wanted, did you think that bugging him about it would help?
Astro 1 year ago
It sounds like OP just asked, because they wanted to know 🤷♀️ if you’re in a relationship with someone who doesn’t miss you when you’re gone, and that’s important to you, you probably shouldn’t be in that relationship. How else was OP supposed to find out?
Load More Replies... #44
When he told me that I’ve done nothing to show my love for him, even though I was the one constantly making him feel validated and fully supported financially.
kaycee14 1 year ago
BP, you have used this stock photo (and others of this couple arguing) 4-5 times in the last few weeks.
Oskar vanZandt 1 year ago
"Not showing love = not wanting to have sex"... And these layabout losers do nothing to make their spouses/GFs feel loved and cared for...
Renee Prete 1 year ago
I had my late-husband behave like that. Bring a letter carrier, walking 10+ miles in the heat, coming home and taking care of 4 kids, cleaning house then waking me up, throwing a fit saying that I didn't love him because I didn't instigate sex
#45
We were married for six years, and I was just blind, maybe not willing to give up on the marriage. It didn't go downhill right away, he just got more and more lazy during the years, leaving all the chores for me (I also had a full-time job). Luckily, we didn't have kids. Trying to talk to him did nothing. The lightbulb moment: I guess it happened when I came across a guy who was kind to me and thought of my needs (unlike my ex). It wasn't at all easy to admit to myself that the marriage was over. I broke down because I had been ignoring my feelings for so long.
#46
He called me a "hypocrite feminist" one too many times. But it never actually occurred to me that the balance of the meal planning/housework was tipped in his favor until much later. While I was in a relationship with him it was more like a gut feeling that something was off. What happened was that I left for Germany to do my PhD (questionable decision, I'm not sure I regret it or not), but he was really negative the whole time. He wanted us to stay in Romania (=home country) and was telling me to come back and give up at every chance he got until I just stopped talking to him about it completely. Then we broke up because of the distance. And à few months after being single in a different country, I just sort of realized that my work load at home didn't change. I was equally as busy as I used to be when I lived with him. Then I started talking to some people and figured out what the b did. When we split the house work, he chose things that seem difficult but aren't done as often. For instance, he was in charge of cleaning the floors, which happens once a week, and I was in charge of cleaning the dishes, which happens way more often. And whenever he was in charge of the food situation, he would just bring some food from his aunt (who cooked with lard... à lot of lard...). So every time I would find the food gross, I wouldn't eat it and I would do something else to eat just cuz I didn't want to starve. And, of course because I'm such a kind idiot, I would prepare some for him as well. We literally talked about splitting the food duties in half and this guy would almost always find a way out of it. And these situations were what I would complain about or just be too tired to do anything about it and just leave my "chores" undone. So he would get upset with me and call me a "hypocrite feminist" for pushing stuff onto him. He would say things like "if you don't want me to treat you like a woman in the past, then don't treat me like a woman either". But, of course, he would also pretend like women in the past weren't treated badly...
Erin Rogers 1 year ago
Everyone I have ever met who was married to a Rumanian man left their husband for precisely this kind of behavior. Hmmm...
Karma Black 1 year ago
A very good friend of mine emigrated from Romania. She said she never met a Romanian man who wasn't like this.
Sonja 1 year ago (edited)
Yes, some men, not all of them but sime, claim it's 'emancipation' to do everything on your own to get out of doing anything to contribute and love to call you a hypocrite. And of course they'll also tell you that the exact same chores they push you to do alone out of 'feminism' are traditional women's chores. They claim feminism means doing everything alone and not to expect any help and also claim all those responsibilities are also traditional women's chores
JessieJ&LilyLovebug 1 year ago
This is a pretty well documented dynamic...not just among Eastern European men. Men tend to do the chores that don't need to be worked on as often as the the chores women are expected to do.
VioletHunter 1 year ago (edited)
What on God's green Earth makes you think this was about sandwiches. That aunt cooked with lard instead of oil or butter.
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#47
Lots of little things… but really cemented everything when I was trying to have a conversation (he didn’t talk much) and I really wanted to talk and have an actual conversation and he told me how I “didn’t give him much to work with” 🙄
#48
Simple: He didn’t want to go to a museum with me. It was the straw that broke the camel's back, after all that happened. He likes to tell people that’s why I left him...not all the other issues we had.
Sonja 1 year ago
I once read a post from a woman breaking down why men ignoring promises they've made repeatedly and again and again promising they'll do it just to break that promise again kills the love their partners feel for them because they start associating something they need or enjoy with the resentment they feel when being reminded of how their partners constantly breaking promises and lying about doing it in the future. And so, so many men dismissed it in the comments by arguing that the example they used to point out that it wasn't about the thing itself but the lying and breaking trust behind it wasn't worth getting angry about. It isn't about the thing ever. It is because you can't trust a person who can't even keep a small promise reliably with being there when you really need them and going through with the big promises. Because they have shown you that they make promises they don't intend to keep and you believe that.
Shea Fujishima 1 year ago (edited)
That was my ex. We'd plan to do something and then the day of the thing he'd suddenly "have the flu" and be too sick to do it. He DID have serious health issues and I worked around them, but it was this constant being stranded because he was sick today that finally did it for me.
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Frank Miller 1 year ago
"He likes to tell people that’s why I left him...not all the other issues we had.". Don't take this wrong, but that's exactly what you just did...
LargeMarge 1 year ago
Um Frank, regardless of that particular reason, she did leave him for other stuff as well. He just chooses to pick that reason to make other feel bad and make her look bad. If someone told me that their SO left them because they didn't want to wash the dishes one night, I would have the common sense to know it was more than that. No one, just up and leave for minor stuff like that. The relationship was over, and that little incident was the straw that broke the camel's back.
Load More Replies... Michael Largey 1 year ago
There have been women in my life who wanted to take me to a museum. And return alone.
DustBunny 1 year ago
I dated a really nice guy who was woefully undereducated, both formally and informally. It wouldn’t have been an issue except he didn’t know what anything was and eventually started resenting me for getting excited about seeing and doing things when he had no idea what I was talking about—we got into an argument about an Art Deco train station because he was 32 and had never heard of Art Deco. I basically really liked him and really wanted it to work but realized I’d have to cut way back on doing or talking about **anything** to avoid making him feel insecure (instead of him, like, googling s**t and learning some new stuff). (I have a bachelor’s but that’s hardly exceptional. He had an associate’s degree so we weren’t really that far apart in formal education. He had just never, I don’t know, done or been curious about anything beyond basic school.)
Celtic Pirate Queen 1 year ago
My AHA moment: ex told me his happiness was MY responsibility. I informed him that it most certainly was not and that by trying to make me "in charge" of his overall well-being was an absolute f*cking copout. Oh, so if he's not happy it's MY fault? Bull f*cking sh*t. Spent a good chunk of money on marriage counselors, all of which told him the same thing. I hadn't had sex with him in a while because he was CONSTANTLY pawing at me, what was once a pleasure had turned into a chore. So we're arguing about it (again) and he pulls the "You don't love me" c**p (again. That was his go to every time I wanted to do something without him. He was incredibly insecure). If I told him I wanted to read my new book, he heard I don't want to spend time with you. So we're at it again and when he said I didn't love him anymore, something in my brain just snapped. I said, "You know what Mike? You're right. I DON'T love you anymore. I want a divorce". I hadn't felt so peaceful in years.
#49
Our sex life practically vanished and people in my life started to open my eyes to just how bad the relationship was. I wasn’t perfect in it by any means and should’ve left a lot sooner, but Jesus Christ it was such a miserable relationship with so many unwarranted hardships and so much emotional turmoil.
#50
When he told me I should tell him what he should do that would make me happy? I mean if YOU on your OWN cannot think of single thing that would be able make me feel prioritised in your life and want ME to tell you even THAT. Then sorry bye!
Lunaofthenest (She/they) 1 year ago
And maybe even a little unfair? Partners aren't mind readers, we are all responsible for communicating our needs & boundaries. Having said that, this person probably had tried all that and their partner still pulled the "BuT I DoNt KnOow WhAt YoU WaNt" bs
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Deborah B 1 year ago
Translation "I want you to do all of the emotional/mental labour of maintaining the relationship. I don't want to actually have to put any thought or effort in." If you remind him it's valentines day this week, and ask him to plan a date, he'll be playing fortnite, but here's £20 to pick yourself up some flowers or whatever at the supermarket, Happy Valentine's Day. And while you're out, pick up a case of beer for him.
Hey! 1 year ago
People are not mind readers. I don't think this is unreasonable of the person to ask how to make you happy. My husband and I still ask each other even after almost 35 years together. If one of us gets up, we ask the other if something would make them happy right this moment. Usually we ask for a kiss, a coffee, or something that's upstairs; it can be simple things.
Papa 1 year ago
I gave an up vote to get you back to zero. I'm guessing the people down voting replies like yours are the ones expecting real life to be like a Hallmark movie.
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iseefractals 1 year ago
This one is dumb. We aren't mind readers, and chances are quite good that the other person already has the view that they're doing x,y and z in an effort to show YOU how important you are, and it's simply not something that YOU value....which means that YOU have to open your mouth and verbalize what is lacking for YOU. Look to any couple together for decades for advice on a lasting relationship, and most will tell you communication is the most important thing. But some extra special people out there, a disproportionate amount of them women, seem to believe that the only path to their happiness is to make someone else jump through hoops, and "figure it out" so they can continue to have something to b***h and moan about, either to give themselves cover for not making any effort, or so they can just opt out of the relationship and pretend that they weren't the problem. Sounds like that guy dodged a bullet, people like you are insufferable.
Aelin Wildfire 1 year ago
It's not "doing something for you" when it involves an extra burden on you (like planning a dinner date that he conveniently forgot to tell you you had to cook and shop for) or involves something you had told him previously you don't like. It doesn't take a mind reader to understand that leaving all the household chores for only one person to do, ignoring your partner all day and/or prioritizing unimportant other things over them, or letting them be the only one to reach out are not smart ideas. And all the communication in the world doesn't make a bit of difference if it doesn't go -both- ways. Sounds to me like you got some sour grapes...
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Poppy 1 year ago
I think it's more about the smaller things like asking her how her day was, maybe making a meal once in a while for them both, just making her feel like she was seen and prioritised over his own wants. That's what I get from this anyway. However the way it's written does make it seem like she wants a mind reader. I've been in relationships where even after some considerable time I realised my partner didn't even know me at all. He didn't know how I took my tea, how my favourite colour is purple, how I didn't like Nickleback etc. Yet These are things that are usually known after being with someone for some time. The fact that he didn't care to know those things about me made me realise I was a convenience rather that someone he wanted to be with. I think this is what OP is getting at.
Birma Gustafsson 1 year ago
It's really sad when you realise that he NEVER decides anything, he just pushes the deciding, planning and organising on you, like you were some kind of cruise hostess!! He does NOTHING, and you do everything. Drop him like the dog s**t he is!
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Powerful Katrinka 1 year ago
I can practically guarantee that all of these losers started their next relationship by saying, "Yeah, my ex was crazy."
Lady Gypsy Rain 1 year ago
And as the new women in their life, if everyone they were ever with was crazy, you can be certain that’s also how you will be described to the next person. Never trust anyone who always has crazy exes. The craziness they described is most likely to be just women who realized they didn’t need that noise in their lives.
Load More Replies... Poppy 1 year ago
I broke up with my fiance after I feel down a flight of stairs. Well that was what finished it but it had been building for a while. I'd fallen down a full flight of stairs and was badly bruised all down my back. He didn't believe me at first, thought I was exaggerating and had just tripped off the bottom couple of steps. Then when the bruising started to show he was upset and kept trying to hug me. I kept saying it was hurting me when he did that due to the bruising. He was more upset that I wouldn't hug him than me being in pain. I burst into tears when he called me a hypercondriac because I said I was hurting. This was months after having weaponised incompetence, over controlling behaviour (asking where I was going when I was getting up to go to the toilet in my own home), calling me his B***h Queen from Hell. On New Years Eve his accused me of faking a stomach bug to get out of going to see his friends. Then expected me to make him some food when I was too ill to eat.
Poppy 1 year ago
He sat and sulked all evening because I wouldn't make him some dinner. He said he didn't know what he could have, I said there's a freezer, fridge and cupboards full of food and he could have anything and everything he wanted. He still didn't make anything and expected me to make it. I was determined not to give in (would likely have vomited whilst cooking). He starved that evening. Eventually he made himself some toast as he said that was all he could make. I knew he knew how to cook, he just didn't want to do it himself. After falling down the stairs I knew I couldn't stay with him.
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Ray Ceeya (RayCeeYa) 1 year ago
When she wouldn't stop hitting me after I was bleeding on the floor and then denied doing anything the next day.
JB 1 year ago
Ray, I’m so sorry you went through that. Domestic violence is hideous and we need to stand up for everyone who is victimized that way. Big hugs.
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Sophia Castaneda 1 year ago
When he told me he will divorce me once the kids are out of the house. When he says that everything that goes wrong about our children, it's my fault because they follow my lead. He never tells me I'm pretty or something like that. I don't have much self esteem due to child abuse and he tells me that I never "grew out" of it and that I'm still the scared little girl. I'm bipolar but nothing will work if the environment remains the same. He discusses stuff with his family and I only find about it until the last minute or just slips out from another family member that then play dumb and tell me "he didn't tell you?" Man, I knew that marriage wasn't going to be easy but I wasn't counting of getting out of an abusive family to an abusive relationship. No, I haven't left. I have nowhere to go l, no friends and my family doesn't want me. I don't know what's going to happen. I just live day by day.
MoMcB 1 year ago
Can you get advice to what the law is where you live? He's gaslighting you and I've been there. Walked away with nothing, but my daughter was away at university.
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Breadcrumb. 1 year ago
If you want to have children think really hard about the partner you choose. If they are not helping out around the house before they are not going to magically start once a baby arrives.
kansasmagic 1 year ago
Yes, please, people everywhere: do not expect that having kids will "fix" a marriage or your partner's behavior. (It *might*, but that's a big gamble.)
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Lauren S 1 year ago
When my son was a toddler and used to push me out of a room and close the door to get me away from his dad when we fought. When my son was three and threw my husband’s phone down a storm drain so he took my kid’s favorite stuffed animal and said he was going to destroy it. My son cried to me asking me to save his “friend” and I was too scared to cross my husband that angry. When my son was 5 or 6 and broke our expensive vacuum by being careless and playing and his dad took one of my kids toys and smashed it on the ground. I will never be enough for him, no matter how much I try or do, there’s always something I didn’t do. But that isn’t it for me. The part that is destroying our relationship and holding it together at the same time is how he parents our son. He reacts emotionally and takes things as personal. If he thinks the kid isn’t paying him enough attention he’ll ignore the kid. If he thinks the kid isn’t treating him with respect he won’t treat the kid with respect. Our son is 7
brittany 1 year ago
i got pregnant during the pandemic. the doctors had told me i had almost 0 chance of having more children after my son was born, so it was a shock and i was high risk. same week, my job shut down & i was furloughed. when he found out he screamed at me. told me if i did not get an abortion he would throw me and our kids out onto the street and that he only tolerated having the first two. he told me to get out after i told him id rather have my kids than him. i was in a panic and called his mother (who owned the house) she cussed him out and told him his car was his home now and since she owned the house she could decide who lived there and she was choosing me and my kids over him. i've never seen my MIL yell at anyone and certainly never heard her cuss. she and i never really got along so i wasnt even sure she'd help me, but she did. i will always be grateful to her for saving me and my kids. everything i thought he was got erased that day. it feels like my husband died that day.
Tamra 1 year ago
I'm very glad you had some form of support. I hope things get better for you as time passes.
Load More Replies...
Powerful Katrinka 1 year ago
I can practically guarantee that all of these losers started their next relationship by saying, "Yeah, my ex was crazy."
Lady Gypsy Rain 1 year ago
And as the new women in their life, if everyone they were ever with was crazy, you can be certain that’s also how you will be described to the next person. Never trust anyone who always has crazy exes. The craziness they described is most likely to be just women who realized they didn’t need that noise in their lives.
Load More Replies... Poppy 1 year ago
I broke up with my fiance after I feel down a flight of stairs. Well that was what finished it but it had been building for a while. I'd fallen down a full flight of stairs and was badly bruised all down my back. He didn't believe me at first, thought I was exaggerating and had just tripped off the bottom couple of steps. Then when the bruising started to show he was upset and kept trying to hug me. I kept saying it was hurting me when he did that due to the bruising. He was more upset that I wouldn't hug him than me being in pain. I burst into tears when he called me a hypercondriac because I said I was hurting. This was months after having weaponised incompetence, over controlling behaviour (asking where I was going when I was getting up to go to the toilet in my own home), calling me his B***h Queen from Hell. On New Years Eve his accused me of faking a stomach bug to get out of going to see his friends. Then expected me to make him some food when I was too ill to eat.
Poppy 1 year ago
He sat and sulked all evening because I wouldn't make him some dinner. He said he didn't know what he could have, I said there's a freezer, fridge and cupboards full of food and he could have anything and everything he wanted. He still didn't make anything and expected me to make it. I was determined not to give in (would likely have vomited whilst cooking). He starved that evening. Eventually he made himself some toast as he said that was all he could make. I knew he knew how to cook, he just didn't want to do it himself. After falling down the stairs I knew I couldn't stay with him.
Load More Replies... Ray Ceeya (RayCeeYa) 1 year ago
When she wouldn't stop hitting me after I was bleeding on the floor and then denied doing anything the next day.
JB 1 year ago
Ray, I’m so sorry you went through that. Domestic violence is hideous and we need to stand up for everyone who is victimized that way. Big hugs.
Load More Replies... Sophia Castaneda 1 year ago
When he told me he will divorce me once the kids are out of the house. When he says that everything that goes wrong about our children, it's my fault because they follow my lead. He never tells me I'm pretty or something like that. I don't have much self esteem due to child abuse and he tells me that I never "grew out" of it and that I'm still the scared little girl. I'm bipolar but nothing will work if the environment remains the same. He discusses stuff with his family and I only find about it until the last minute or just slips out from another family member that then play dumb and tell me "he didn't tell you?" Man, I knew that marriage wasn't going to be easy but I wasn't counting of getting out of an abusive family to an abusive relationship. No, I haven't left. I have nowhere to go l, no friends and my family doesn't want me. I don't know what's going to happen. I just live day by day.
MoMcB 1 year ago
Can you get advice to what the law is where you live? He's gaslighting you and I've been there. Walked away with nothing, but my daughter was away at university.
Load More Replies... Breadcrumb. 1 year ago
If you want to have children think really hard about the partner you choose. If they are not helping out around the house before they are not going to magically start once a baby arrives.
kansasmagic 1 year ago
Yes, please, people everywhere: do not expect that having kids will "fix" a marriage or your partner's behavior. (It *might*, but that's a big gamble.)
Load More Replies... Lauren S 1 year ago
When my son was a toddler and used to push me out of a room and close the door to get me away from his dad when we fought. When my son was three and threw my husband’s phone down a storm drain so he took my kid’s favorite stuffed animal and said he was going to destroy it. My son cried to me asking me to save his “friend” and I was too scared to cross my husband that angry. When my son was 5 or 6 and broke our expensive vacuum by being careless and playing and his dad took one of my kids toys and smashed it on the ground. I will never be enough for him, no matter how much I try or do, there’s always something I didn’t do. But that isn’t it for me. The part that is destroying our relationship and holding it together at the same time is how he parents our son. He reacts emotionally and takes things as personal. If he thinks the kid isn’t paying him enough attention he’ll ignore the kid. If he thinks the kid isn’t treating him with respect he won’t treat the kid with respect. Our son is 7
brittany 1 year ago
i got pregnant during the pandemic. the doctors had told me i had almost 0 chance of having more children after my son was born, so it was a shock and i was high risk. same week, my job shut down & i was furloughed. when he found out he screamed at me. told me if i did not get an abortion he would throw me and our kids out onto the street and that he only tolerated having the first two. he told me to get out after i told him id rather have my kids than him. i was in a panic and called his mother (who owned the house) she cussed him out and told him his car was his home now and since she owned the house she could decide who lived there and she was choosing me and my kids over him. i've never seen my MIL yell at anyone and certainly never heard her cuss. she and i never really got along so i wasnt even sure she'd help me, but she did. i will always be grateful to her for saving me and my kids. everything i thought he was got erased that day. it feels like my husband died that day.
Tamra 1 year ago
I'm very glad you had some form of support. I hope things get better for you as time passes.
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