50 Funny Tweets Dedicated To Those Who Like “Tastefully Offensive” Humor (New Posts)

Everybody knows it's the Freemasons, the Illuminati and the Rosicrucians.

This! And also why can I fall asleep while I'm reading in bed but then when I turn out the lights I'm wide awake?

I snort-laughed immoderately at this. Just for once, without a mouthful of coffee.

I'm unsure if the version of animal farm I read in high school was abridged or I was still to innocent in life to fully understand it. However, revisiting it as an adult, horrifying! Can't believe we give this to kids.

I'm still hanging onto that 25-pin parallel printer cable, just in case...

Genius!

We must be long lost siblings!

I had porch pirates, but they stole our delivery of cat litter (not used). They opened it, saw what it was, and the next day put it back on our doorstep. British thieves are very considerate of animal rights, apparently.

Dolly Parton wouldn't need that immunity

It's my way of saying 'thanks for not helping me'

A Tesla Cybertruck?

I'm going to start doing when a chore needs to be done. I live alone.

I don't remember the comedian who said it but she said something like "forget sleeping like a baby, I want to sleep like a dad!" and that's stuck with me since.

I wish my vet had knocked. I wasn't prepared when he came in and my dog booked it out the door. Caused mayhem in the waiting room.

Such a creep that Google! 😂

Works for me

But that's a thunderstorm not heatwave... Therefore: A long, throbbing series of pulsating precipitation with periods of extreme dampness.

At least you know what to expect.

I must be the Costa del Face

Wine and biccies apparently, so can we suggest adding cheese to the list

Racoons and foxes also are able to do that technically given that they can squeeze through holes with a diameter of 9cm and a r****m being able to stretch up to 12 - 14

I came from a "if you didn't vomit you're not sick enough to stay home from school" family.

I like to eat them until my tongue is about to rip apart

Thank you Phinius and Ferb!

Same as pickles tbh...

I’ve read “the most” instead of “the moths” and it made a perfect sense too 😂😂😂

Same!

Short and to the point: I like it.

I don't move to Tornado Alley because I don't trust myself not to be one of those idiots driving TOWARDS it.

Thank you all. Any chance of doing the same with mother in law jokes now?

I sent a message to a friend that said "Poor me :(" because I had to get out of bed. My phone sent it on to three strangers AND posted it to my facebook stories. Settle down.

Even as a kid i realized that place was disgusting. No, nope, never.

Rhinoceros is my favorite character!

Approximately 4 minutes. Source: my friends and I were idiots in high school.

My wife is one of those goblins, and it's not even the "thriftiness" as she calls it, but that shameless disorganization that results in a cluttered clusterfuck popping up where-ever she goes....My solution was to build her a whole new room 200sq ft office/craft room with the stipulation that all of her disaster stays in that room, anything that's left outside the confines of that room at the end of the day, goes straight in the trash.

Knowledge is knowing that Frankenstein wasn't the name of the monster. Wisdom is knowing that Frankenstein was the monster all the same.

Nah, not just fried. Any and all kinds of potatoes can fix every problem in the world.

Also no boob money or sock money. That’s gross even when it’s not the temperature of Satan’s schmeenie outside.

Those ongoin wars, capitalism, patriarchy, the job market, those societal expectations, my mind most of all.

I hate making calls too.

From the mouth of babes......

Well, funny on purpose people are smart. But dumb people are really funny too in a completely different way

Well, the original myth does hold that Sisyphus CAN quit, but his blind determination in the face of the obvious result prevents him from doing so. Also, his self honour.

FedEx bought out UPS and they going to change the name to FedUp.

"What is Chandler Bing's job?"

With the game logic, you get the most HP from a croissant.

In my husband's family, cards stay in their plastic foil and they write "Happy birthday to XY" on the foil with a foil pen. Then they use this card for 20 years.

Camping is the state in which you experience your own neglect as relaxation.

True. It doesn't help if you're penny wise but pound foolish.

I hate that our bodies don't just automatically know to lift with your legs

That’s where I have internet, my computer, my games, my books, my food, my bed, my shower, my cats and my phone if I want to interact with people

Truth

i second that

Not about cats but fun fact, dogs are actually smart enough to understand what we are saying, they are so smart they can use context clues to figure out where a treat is hidden

Hasn't the left hand one got a number plate?

This!

It was the goat joining in that did it, I think.

I had my relatives over for a BBQ and told them it's basically a wake

Lotekguy

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That makes me eager to see someone crying.

Ah, the old joke, "impossible, that's her brother"

Burr1to, you're welcome

I said before surgery: "I'm allergic to bee stings, but if there's a bee in the operating room I think we have bigger problems" and the nurse did not even smile. Tough crowd.