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Twitter (now X, if you are being pedantic) is a place with a very unhinged energy. No reverence, just weird vibes and thoughts, all condensed into bite-sized texts. There is just something downright comical about reading some of these jokes in a deadpan voice.
The “Tastefully Offensive” Facebook page share hilarious and relatable memes and other posts. So get comfortable as you scroll through this post of possibly offensive tweets, upvote your favorites and be sure to share your thoughts in the comments section below.
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#1
Hiram's Friend 1 year ago
Everybody knows it's the Freemasons, the Illuminati and the Rosicrucians.
Minou the Cat 1 year ago
There are about 50 million millionaires and 3000 billionaires in the world. Do you honestly think you know everyone in control? I'm not talking about a secret organization, I'm just talking about power that stays hidden from the public eye.
Adriano Me 1 year ago
Now know how it was like living in Nazi Germany. After seeing people advocating concentration camps for those who had the courage to say no to an useless vaccination
Tom Hutcherson 1 year ago
May I recommend going to YouTube and searching for; George Carlin; Who Really Runs America.
RELATED:
#2
Sue Denham 1 year ago
This! And also why can I fall asleep while I'm reading in bed but then when I turn out the lights I'm wide awake?
Panda'sMom 1 year ago (edited)
I am retired. Sometimes my puppers and I stay up late. On the rare occasions I have to go to bed early, and of course, I end up not be able sleep.
Orange Mum 1 year ago
Why does this happen, everyday, for me at 4pm, so tired, then 11pm wide awake
#3
Auntriarch 1 year ago
I snort-laughed immoderately at this. Just for once, without a mouthful of coffee.
Bouche and Audi and Shyla, Oh My! 1 year ago
*bats at her empty coffee saucer imploringly*
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Susan Teter 1 year ago
Like my Dad said, "You can always put more clothes on. You can only take so many off...LEAGALLY!"
MalibuClassicMan 1 year ago
I have always said that too, I hate cold weather, cool, I can deal with but not anything below 65 degrees.
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TotallyNOTAFox 1 year ago
Shovelling snow isn't that bad, clearing the pathways from weeds during summer is much more worse
Mason Kronol 1 year ago
Tell me about it. The birds dropped poison oak in with the morning glories. At least I don’t have it on my face like husband does.
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Scarlett O'Hara's Ghost 1 year ago
I love living in Phoenix. I grew up in Buffalo. Ya know what? I didn't have to shovel the sunshine to get out of my driveway for work in the morning!
Nikki138 1 year ago
I'll stay in Connecticut. I couldn't handle the temperatures in Phoenix
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MalibuClassicMan 1 year ago
Give me fall all year long; seems we do not have a springtime any longer, goes from incredibly hot to unbearable cold.
Geoffrey Scott 1 year ago
Love it when someone complains about the heat/humidity. My standard reply is "at some point it will be 10 below, which extreme do you like?"
#4
Wondering Alice 1 year ago
I'm unsure if the version of animal farm I read in high school was abridged or I was still to innocent in life to fully understand it. However, revisiting it as an adult, horrifying! Can't believe we give this to kids.
Jane Jayne Jain Jeign Jein 1 year ago
Kids are more resilient than you think and they deserve to be told the truth, not just fed fairy tales that lead to a life of disappointment.
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J. Oliver Scott 1 year ago
His reaction suggests that he's never even read it and was inferring from the title alone that it's a children's book.
Tom Brincefield 1 year ago
Or, did he read it and all he got from it was it had talking animals, it must be for kids.
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#5
Tucker Cahooter 1 year ago
I'm still hanging onto that 25-pin parallel printer cable, just in case...
Robert T 1 year ago
I just added a Centronics cable to my cable box after upgrading my dad's printer earlier this year!
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TotallyNOTAFox 1 year ago
My sister always tells me to clear out all the tech stuff like cables I have lying around - but guess who gets called first if somebody needs an old or obsucre part to fix something fast
deejak 1 year ago
Sooo true! The people who ridicule our "hoarding" are also the beneficiaries of our "stuff". Happens ALL the time!
Load More Replies... Sue Denham 1 year ago
The very reason why I can't bring myself to throw out all those tupperware lids in the cupboard.
Auntriarch 1 year ago
Day before yesterday I was considering relegating a container to the shed because I hadn't seen the lid in ages. Guess who found the lid the very next day (in the bottom of my insulated lunch bag to provide strength when I was taking jars of jam to work for people)
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Marie Dahme 1 year ago
I still have the printer wheel fonts for my old Remington Rand typewriter. What will I do if I lose my Times New Roman font wheel or my Script font wheel ??? Do they still make these ???!!!!
AllRightyNowThen 1 year ago
That's how it works..... Better to just move the box to the car trunk and fake out fate
Tiny Dancer 1 year ago
No idea what you're on about. But just so you know, you can buy a three-prong extension cord on Amazon for 10 bucks. In case you desperately need to use your new steam cleaner with the short cord two days before your mother arrives and all of your extensions are two-pronged. Oi vey!
#6
#7
Jane Alexander 1 year ago
@soymeii I see she raised someone who realizes what happened and is right now about to fix it. Go try something. Glorious if you succeed, educational if not, try again.
TheOneWhoKnows(Nothing) 1 year ago
Oh, this just unlocked something in my brain. A new trauma figured out, thanks!
Jane Alexander 1 year ago (edited)
Yeah we say this! We call them out on what they did wrong as the only way to make it stop. Can we learn from the past? we had d*mn better 'cause we're not going to learn from the future until it's too late.
Load More Replies... Cat Chat 1 year ago (edited)
There's this thing people do... it's called a joke
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Brittania Kelli 1 year ago
I had porch pirates, but they stole our delivery of cat litter (not used). They opened it, saw what it was, and the next day put it back on our doorstep. British thieves are very considerate of animal rights, apparently.
DudeFortitude (He/Him) 1 year ago
"Oh, this poor chap must have a little kitten, let me drink my bo'o o' wa'a and pop it in the boot and return it!" - British thief, apparently (joke)
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Bouche and Audi and Shyla, Oh My! 1 year ago
You all soft can-openers are SO weird. If you don't want our poop, why steal it in the first place?
Tyranamar Seuss 1 year ago
Our porch pirates are very ballsy. They actually open the packages right on the porch. Sort through. And only take what they want. I'd probably end up with litter and poop everywhere I had to clean up.
sadmrguna 1 year ago
I usually remove any deposits as soon as I see them, the actual litter gets changed 1-2 times a week. Does anyone actually leave all the p**ps in there until it is "full"??
Stacy Carroll 1 year ago
There are large amounts of both types of owners. Cats prefer clean litter and clean litter helps prevent unwanted habits. I myself like to keep the box clean and privately judge the people who let the box get full. I have also trained cats to use the toilet. It's much nicer. No litter. No scooping. Just wipe the seat occasionally and flush.
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#9
Alyssa Phillips 1 year ago
Equality. One man as well. Keanu. Dolly and Keanu. I would pledge my soul to that cult.
Gen X Feral 1 year ago
I love Toy Story so much, he should be made king of the universe 🐍👢
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Chris Landrum 1 year ago
Still hard to believe she wrote "I will always love you" and "jolene" the same day
3 Possums in a trench coat 1 year ago
I agree, the only reason she would commit a crime is to do something good like smash a car window to save a dog or something
Danish Susanne 1 year ago
Would that be a crime? I thought it would have been a crime not to do it.
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Tiny Dancer 1 year ago
Sesame Street had a character based on the awesome Dolly in the '90s called Polly Darton. Among many other tunes, she sang "1 to 5" for preschoolers! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AjKdZfEKOtQ
#10
Geoffrey Scott 1 year ago
......but by all means, be sure to criticize my efforts
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Bec 1 year ago
At work I like to refer to 'future me'. Sometimes things (like staffing a spot in 6 months) is a 'future me' problem,
Bec 1 year ago
I don't always screw future me over either, as sometimes I will have something due and open it up to find that I already started working on it (and forgot) - thanks past me!
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The Darkest Timeline 1 year ago
This is EXACTLY what global warming deniers mean when they don’t want to do anything to prevent it from happening.
#11
InoueAmani 1 year ago
Is that on a tesla truck? If yes... that should come in the owner's manual. Seriously, so many hilarious fail videos.
Karina 1 year ago
I did not understand what was funny obout that card and that container, litteraly 😂😂
Parmeisan 1 year ago
Me too, I've heard of the cyber truck but it took a long time to click. I thought that was a garbage bin and maybe it was supposed to be funny that they were "junking" this person's business card about junk cars? So yeah, the cyber truck is so ugly that I spent 2 minutes assuming it was a garbage bin even with the context of that card.
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Ephemera Image 1 year ago
Tesla's. Apparently they have parts that fall off while driving. Including wipers and bits of the skin.
#12
pfeils wife 1 year ago
love this comment, thank you! I laughed so hard! hahaha
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MalibuClassicMan 1 year ago
about as insane as waffle house hollering out your order, just put the dang ticket up there for the cook to look at like he does even though you holler it out anyway
Mike Beck 1 year ago
Odd. I've yet to see a WH cook ever see the order...
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#13
Fire Singer 1 year ago
I don't remember the comedian who said it but she said something like "forget sleeping like a baby, I want to sleep like a dad!" and that's stuck with me since.
Lene 1 year ago
Yeah! When we had our first kid and was still at the hospital I was shocked to find out how well my bf slept while I was awake pretty much the entire first week of my baby's life. At the hospital I even tossed things at him but he slept through it all. So many tests on the kid he missed out on because he slept. And annoyingly enough: he did the same with our next kid. With our 3rd kid he stayed at home to watch the two "big" kids. Dads can sleep through dooms day and moms stay awake and try to fix whatever makes the kids wake up. 🤣
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MandyMolaFizzyCola 1 year ago
The real goal is to sleep like a teenager: 14 hours dead to the world, get up, move to the couch, and fall asleep again.
Gen X Feral 1 year ago
Omg yes I'd sleep 12 hours straight and not even twitch. Even when someone was trying to steal our car and my dad shot at them, I didn't hear a thing😴
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Ronna Black 1 year ago
Why do you judge? Sometime, I wake up and drink from a bottle. You don’t know me!!!
Joanne Mendonza-Earle 1 year ago
Sort of like saying, 'I worked like a dog'. Every dog I ever had was spoiled and pampered! My German shepherd thought I'd bought him a loveseat. He was so excited and the second it was in place, he jumped up with a huge smile and claimed it. So much for my idea of being able to read upstairs in the livingroom from time to time.
Danish Susanne 1 year ago
I suppose they mean like my 4 year old niece slept through her parents New Year party in the same room. She didn't wake up until 5 next morning, when she had a hard time waking her parents!
#14
Leah Banks 1 year ago
I wish my vet had knocked. I wasn't prepared when he came in and my dog booked it out the door. Caused mayhem in the waiting room.
Parmeisan 1 year ago
I've always assumed that's why they do it. To give you time to have a handle on escaping pets.
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XanthippeⓐWulf🇨🇦️️🇬🇧 1 year ago (edited)
I've responded to this one on several posts, but trust me, as a vet, I have seen some s**t. It took me a few times of needing eye bleach...really gross makeout sesh, an older lady with her shirt up, readjusting "the girls," a guy who decided when I left the room it was a great time to sit back, close his eyes, and lean waaaaay in to scratching his junk...that was super awkward, & man did I eagle-eye that hand the whole time afterwards to make sure he didn't touch me 😆 Yeah, that's why we knock. It's not because we think your pets are nekky, it's to make sure that for whatever godforsaken reason you aren't. Ps, and to alert you so that if your pet is loose you can prepare 😉
Lsai Aeon 1 year ago
My dog has a super suit she wears when out in public Attach3752...924c76.jpg 
Cari Owens 1 year ago
If they're wearing their collar (not to mention the built in fur coat) then they're not naked.
rorschach-penguin 1 year ago
And what if they're hairless and not wearing their collar?
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Jennifer Brown 1 year ago
I wish they wouldn't knock....just got my cat calmed down and now he's on the ceiling again!
Kurt Schilling 1 year ago
The Vets I know would have tossed a grenade in first. Screw knocking.
veryvenasaur 1 year ago
So, my mom runs a pediatric office with two other doctors one of which happens to be my doctor. I was on school break, so I was stuck sitting around the office while my mom worked. During that time, I forgot to lock the bathroom door and was walked in on by my doctor. The funny thing is when I went all embarrassed to my mom, she looked at me in confusion and was like, "You do realize she examines your private parts every checkup. What do you think she saw?" So yeah doctors I've learned do not care if they see that kind of thing since they see it on a regular basis.
#15
keyboardtek 1 year ago
Use Duck Duck Go. It does not track you like Google does.
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Kay Christensen 1 year ago
Wouldn't you think that Big Brother would know where we are instead of having to ask us? Just a thought...
#16
Anna Stephenson 1 year ago
It's currently 4:39am..........stop calling me out like that, I have felt so attacked in at LEAST a week! Lol
Tiny Dancer 1 year ago
I had to stop reading my phone in bed. I kept falling asleep and slamming myself in the face with the dropped phone. Maybe you 20-year-olds can handle that kind of face assault, but this old broad wasn't a fan!
Sharkbait1313 1 year ago
I always turn the TV on to fall asleep. If I am engaged in the show then I am usually not lettings my thoughts run as wild.... although they still creep in from time to time and I end up hitting the rewind button over and over again.
somnomania (she/her, queer) 1 year ago
i keep the nightlight turned on on my phone and laptop at all times, that tints the screen orange so the blue light isn't an issue
rumple slunkskin 1 year ago
I always start reading Wikipedia about ancient cultures and civilizations. I intend to learn the entire history of humanity but I'm out in 10 minutes every time.
#17
Squirrel Chaser 1 year ago
But that's a thunderstorm not heatwave... Therefore: A long, throbbing series of pulsating precipitation with periods of extreme dampness.
General Anaesthesia 1 year ago
Quick, who has the Sharpie? There's still time to deflect it to Alabama.
Raymond Smith 1 year ago
Looks like Canadians are screwed again. But then again they are on top.
Bob Brooce 1 year ago
How have none of you noticed that that heatwave is upside down and barely qualifies as a soft on? Untitled-6...a84407.jpg 
#18
Gibberint Dark 1 year ago
The USA seems to have been suffering from the "May you live in interesting times" Chinese curse for quite a long time...!!
Gen X Feral 1 year ago
And that the truth 😑 feels like I'm trapped in the worst sleepover ever. I just want my mom to come pick me up and take back to the 80s when things made sense.
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Agent Smith 1 year ago
For those in the US suffering all types of lunacy, I suggest watching 'The Abyss: the rise and fall of the Nazis'. Clarity guaranteed.
#19
MyWeird “WolvesGoTo” DailyLife 1 year ago (edited)
“I hate those skin creatures— like- they can walk *anywhere*- yet here they are, in my path, killing my brethren…” -A fly probably
Sharkbait1313 1 year ago
Same feeling here! Especially those big Japanese Beatles in CA. Once they get stuck in your hair it's a b*%ch to get them out.... not to mention the game of chicken they play with you by hovering in your face no matter how much you try to back away.
MalibuClassicMan 1 year ago
ever wonder where the little bastards are sitting just waiting for you to come outside with food??
#20
Auntriarch 1 year ago
Wine and biccies apparently, so can we suggest adding cheese to the list
Sky Render 1 year ago
Blessed are the cheese makers for they shall inherit the earth! Life of Brian had it right.
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Marianne 1 year ago
Where I come from, blessing food is a thing that regularly happens in a church.
Pamelot 1 year ago
Christian Methodist here. Our minister only blesses congregational communion bread & wine. However, as a Christian, saying "grace" includes asking our Lord to "bless this food". It's all good.💖
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Edward Clarke 1 year ago
Well, I have actually seen "the blessing of the beagles" in Old Chatham, NY at the Shaker museum. Bunch of people in red formal hunting wear on horses with a pack of beagles. After the run, would they not be "blessed hot dogs"... I'll see myself out.
#21
TotallyNOTAFox 1 year ago (edited)
Racoons and foxes also are able to do that technically given that they can squeeze through holes with a diameter of 9cm and a r****m being able to stretch up to 12 - 14
Joanne Hudson 1 year ago
I doubt very few claims of squeezing after watching a hamster slide under a closed door from a room with carpet, out onto a smooth floor and baby animals escape infinitesimal openings.
#22
Sue Denham 1 year ago
I came from a "if you didn't vomit you're not sick enough to stay home from school" family.
Annik Perrot 1 year ago
I came from an "even if you did vomit" family. Sent me to school with the stomach flu. I vomited in the bus , vomited on the métro platform, vomited on arriving to school, at which time they promptly called my parents to come and get me. Got myself scolded, too.
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Nimitz 1 year ago
The former. My mom would give us home remedies, even that one time my dad broke my nose and I bled till a beach towel was fully soaked. Then later it became "Jesus will heal you." I tore the tendons in my foot once and she said I just needed to pray on it more sincerely and denied me crutches. I had to hop to, from, and around school on one foot for 3 weeks till I could put weight on it again. Batshit crazy religious parents were a whole different universe
FoxEcoLimaIndiaCharlieIndiAlfa 1 year ago (edited)
Sounds like abuse and neglect. Idc how religious you are, how can you look at your child in pain and suffering day after day? Never mind for 3 weeks, where was Jesus? on a 3 week vacation? Clearly that prayer hasn't healed the foot, so get the kid some proper help. 🤦♀️
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iseefractals 1 year ago
I came from a "Can't sleep? Here's 20mg valium. Can't wake up? Here's 30mg Dexedrine. Back hurts? Here's some darvon! Got a headache? Percocet (and later oxycontin) to the rescue. Dad was paralyzed at 21, so he had a continuous supply of alllllll the good stuff. I didn't grow up with all the fearmongering BS most kids had to endure.
Alicia M 1 year ago
I've had migraine headaches from the time I was 13. I would grab a caffeinated drink and four ibuprofen on the way out the door as a preventative. This is way before any good migraine medicines were available. Most of my adolescence was spent worrying about getting future migraines, and doing everything to prevent getting one.
FoxEcoLimaIndiaCharlieIndiAlfa 1 year ago
I too started getting extremely painful migraines, at the age of 13. So severe that I would be out of school for the entire week and that my pediatrician prescribed me percocet to help with the pain. I discovered mine seemed to coincide with my menstrual cycle, as well as other random times, but almost always with my cycle.(like dealing w/one or the other wasn't enough) I'm now on a form of bc that has completed stopped my period, which has also now decreased my migraines to a few every year. Compared to a few to many every month. I know all about trying to prevent them or at least weaken them in intensity and duration, if at all possible.
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BookFanatic 1 year ago
Until I was an adult, I had no idea there were medicines one could take to help with cold/flu symptoms. We always just suffered through. Went to the doc and he said "what OTC meds have you used?" Blew my mind.
Science Nerd 1 year ago (edited)
My close relatives have landed in ICU at least twice after self-treating their ailments. Less extreme cases still involved knives and/or bleach. I’m not sure how I survived childhood.
Natalie Kelsey 1 year ago
My husband from family 1, me from family 2. Our kids are a mixed bag because half are like him and half are like me
#23
CanadianDimes 1 year ago
Yes! I like the 'punched in the face with vinegar' strength ones
Load More Replies... Mohsie Supposie 1 year ago (edited)
Getting the right levels of salt and vinegar is a massive challenge!
Pretty Pink Sky Photography 1 year ago
I mix them with dill pickle chips. It’s a surprise each bite.
Fire Singer 1 year ago
Truth. I despise salt and vinegar chips and I'm a squishy marshmallow who can't handle reality. My husband loves salt and vinegar chips and could withstand most anything.
P R 1 year ago
Then, have a couple, JUST a couple, Sour Cream & Onion chips as a chaser. Perfect finish
Tiny Dancer 1 year ago
A couple? As in two? You're trying to say people can eat two chips and just go on with their lives?! Madness, I tells ya.
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Bec 1 year ago
My point of reference is Sniglets whose author created amusing words for things that lacked names - his inspiration was the aglet.
Pamelot 1 year ago
Gary Larson, famously authored The Far Side quip that Scientists actually accepted and use today. It was the name of the last section of a dinosaur tail. ANYONE? 😁 (HUGE fan of The Far Side. Ingenious.)
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detective miller's hat 1 year ago
I just get consulted whenever the clue is something to do with ancient mythology.
#25
Jaya 1 year ago
Oh no, bad idea, the olive lover will stick olives in everything, and you can pick them out, but everything will still taste slightly of olives, yuck.
Auntriarch 1 year ago
Aww that's just mean. I put a little dish of blitzed olives on the table for me and my mum to add .
Load More Replies... Auntriarch 1 year ago (edited)
Absolutely. Me: Let's order some olives! Mr Auntriarch: *raises an eyebrow*
Gavin Johnson 1 year ago
I love olives, she hates ‘em. I hate Cadburys Fruit and Nut, she loves it, I hate pineapple, she loves it, I love milkshakes, she hates ‘em. I love her, she loves me. There’s an issue with mashed potatoes, we both love ‘em.
Page intentially left blank 1 year ago
We both love olives, but like any relationship, one of us loves olives more than the other
#26
#27
mikedtw 1 year ago
I actually can't get into my bed unless its been made up.
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veryvenasaur 1 year ago
If I put in the work to make my bed then I will be sitting on the floor so as not to mess up the rare beauty. Like I've never wanted to lie in it less.
#28
BookFanatic 1 year ago
A neighboring church does the same thing, and switches it to "too cold" in the winter.
MalibuClassicMan 1 year ago
Don't like the heat; remember Hell doesn't have air conditioners either.
Anna Stephenson 1 year ago
My local church has had the same quote on their board for almost a year now- "pray without ceasing"...........so maybe that explains why they're too busy to change the sign?!........but also- not to realistically achievable- how does one pray without EVER stopping- I mean we all need sleep for a start, and I'm sure God (if they exist) could probably do without having a chat under some circumstances, bathroom, bedroom for wg
TheLocalRedneck 1 year ago
My church sign is boring but useful. "English 10am, Spanish 12pm, Portuguese 2pm: free food drive Monday 12-4- if youre hungry or in need, come by"
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BrunoVI 1 year ago
I don't move to Tornado Alley because I don't trust myself not to be one of those idiots driving TOWARDS it.
Maartje 1 year ago
Lol, I had a tornado go through my yard, 30 feet from my house. I would still drive towards it.
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Richard Nichols 1 year ago
Ely is actually more rational than most. Just because they escape in a movie trilogy doesn't mean they likely would in real life.
#30
Auntriarch 1 year ago
Thank you all. Any chance of doing the same with mother in law jokes now?
Parmeisan 1 year ago
I have a boomer friend and he's generally all right, he's even pretty politically open-minded, but he sends me collected memes every week and quite a lot of them are this. He isn't even in a relationship, hasn't been for the 10 or so years I've known him, and was never married. But apparently he finds it hilarious any time somebody talks about hating their wife.
TotallyNOTAFox 1 year ago
Boomers: I hate my wife / Millenials: I hate my life / Gen Z: Lol, E!
Alex Martin 1 year ago
Gen X: We hate everybody, but you forgot about us, so who cares.
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Michael Largey 1 year ago
Some forms of humor are no longer of any use. So take my wife jokes - please!
Panda Bear 1 year ago
Marriage used to be enforced so it makes sense that people who were pushed into marriage when they didn’t want it would make jokes like that. Doesn’t make it okay though.
Beak Hookage 1 year ago
No joke, thanks to growing up with 90s TV and movies I ended up believing - well into my twenties - that marriage was bad and that being married meant you would hate your spouse and yell at them all the time and be miserable. This despite having loving parents who didn't scream at each other or get divorced. TV is insidious.
Pamelot 1 year ago
Reallly? My era (Baby Boomer!) was "overly wholesome family shows". Loving, caring, helping family, sibs, friends to the nth degree.
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Jane Hower 1 year ago
Sure, let's be offended by EVERYTHING and stop being funny altogether. great idea s**t
Nix 1 year ago
It's the generation that figured out, "Hey, if we despise each other so much, why don't we get a divorce? Both of us can go our separate ways and keep looking for the kind of life we actually want to live. That seems like a better idea than silently hating each other for the rest of our lives."
#31
Little Wonder 1 year ago
I sent a message to a friend that said "Poor me :(" because I had to get out of bed. My phone sent it on to three strangers AND posted it to my facebook stories. Settle down.
Just_for_this 1 year ago
My phone decided to play 'I want to break free' in the supermarket today... this is despite the accidental touch protection being turned on
Bouche and Audi and Shyla, Oh My! 1 year ago
My phone has lots of interesting adventures without me. Also, Audi has learned that if he bats at it, the pictures will change.
Cat Chat 1 year ago
That's funny. My cat just discovered he can make the page scroll, too. Now that's his go to plan when he's having a snuggle with me, but still knows he's not getting 💯 of attention.
Load More Replies... somnomania (she/her, queer) 1 year ago
my mom has this happen and i never do; she's had the phone on but laying face up on her chest, and the camera opened itself.
#32
Ms.GB 1 year ago
Kids also roll in mud and chase eachother with dog poop on the end of a stick.
Load More Replies... Bouche and Audi and Shyla, Oh My! 1 year ago
This is probably the most accurate post ever posted.
Lori Sandoval 1 year ago
During the 2020 COVID shutdown I drove past a Chuck E Cheese with a huge sign trying to get people to buy their pizza for takeaway for cheap (like $5). Even though it's been 40 years since I'd had one of their pizza's I still thought, "pass".
Analyn Lahr 1 year ago
That damn mouse/rat terrified me. I remember hiding under the table when it came by.
Montanavanna 1 year ago
After knowing what arcades were due to frequenting them I had to explain to the kids that casinos are not for kids, even if they look like arcades. So that casino line was spot on!
#33
Karina 1 year ago
The hobbit took me an extra 16 years because I didnt get past the names... then I dubbed all the dwarfs "aaah, forget it" and with a name like that, even I could follow the story
Bec 1 year ago
Tolstoy always has a ton of characters and you spent chapters away from them and apparently in Russia [people have named, titles, and nicknames, so you have all that to keep track of. I had a teacher recommended making a character list to help keep track, but I am lazy.
Load More Replies... Just_for_this 1 year ago
My usual trick of using physical description doesn't work either, "the one with blonde hair... the other one"
Diane Aguilar 1 year ago
In one particular family all you've got to do is then state whether or not the blond[e] hair is braided
Load More Replies... atheist_cleric 1 year ago
And they are all of average height and have identical blonde hairdos.
#34
detective miller's hat 1 year ago
Approximately 4 minutes. Source: my friends and I were idiots in high school.
Mark Howell 1 year ago
There are people still going round the Champs Elysees roundabout in Model T Fords trying to get off.))
veryvenasaur 1 year ago
I wonder the same thing about those rotating doors like I'm nearly an adult and I still want to run repetitively through them yelling "WEEEEEEEE"
3 Possums in a trench coat 1 year ago
It is legal to drive around indefinity but someone will be called to check wtf you're doing
Orange Mum 1 year ago
I have gone round at least 6 times before I go bored saying weeeeeeeeeee
#35
iseefractals 1 year ago
My wife is one of those goblins, and it's not even the "thriftiness" as she calls it, but that shameless disorganization that results in a cluttered clusterfuck popping up where-ever she goes....My solution was to build her a whole new room 200sq ft office/craft room with the stipulation that all of her disaster stays in that room, anything that's left outside the confines of that room at the end of the day, goes straight in the trash.
Jennik 1 year ago
Try living with someone with what my daughter claims is "object impermanence". Apparently this "disorder" is why she leaves a trail of books, craft products, clothing, and dirty cups and plates in her wake . According to her, once something leaves her hand she has absolutely no awareness of it and that is why she can never put any object back where it belongs (except her phone. Although, to be fair, it very rarely leaves her hand). She's like a walking definition of entropy.
InoueAmani 1 year ago
My stepson... told him to go through his c**p, especially from primary school, he's almost 25. He says "they're my memories" they're all letters home to the parent saying he doesn't do his homework and is failing.
InoueAmani 1 year ago
He learned this from my husband how has everything and nothing all at once
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Baali Venomax 1 year ago
Garbage Loving Chaos Goblin should be a template for races, in tabletop D and D games :D That way you could legitimely have litterbug characters :)
Kar Red Roses 1 year ago
Husband is the CG - sentimental about all the things! To the point where after twenty + years in this apartment we need to purge or get a bigger place to hold his precious memories and dragon’s hoard of goodies. I love traveling because it means staying in hotel rooms free from clutter.
#36
Marianne 1 year ago
Knowledge is knowing that Frankenstein wasn't the name of the monster. Wisdom is knowing that Frankenstein was the monster all the same.
Kris Walker 1 year ago
"Ummmm akshully, Frankenstein was the doctor, not the monster" Sure thing. You go graverobbing, stitch several corpses together to create one human shaped abomination, blast it with a ton of electricity and tell me you aren't a monster.
GettingCereal 1 year ago
If someone kept calling me by my Mom or Dad's name, it would just be all round confusing.
Tom Brincefield 1 year ago
No, the creation was Adam. The monster was Frankenstein.
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Bouche and Audi and Shyla, Oh My! 1 year ago
*steals the potato and dashes under the sofa for lunch*
Starwhisper Nighthush 1 year ago (edited)
Don't know why you where downvoted. I had a cat that would wait until the potato was fixed up a then steal it. Edited to add have my upvote
Load More Replies... Gibberint Dark 1 year ago
And conversely... There is no problem that a frying pan to the problems head can't solve either...!!
Ryn 1 year ago
Sees, so so so sorry for your allergy … that’s way too unfair ❤️
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Kar Red Roses 1 year ago
I love crispy crinkle potato fries smothered in gravy and melted cheese.
#38
TeenieMeanie 1 year ago
Also no boob money or sock money. That’s gross even when it’s not the temperature of Satan’s schmeenie outside.
Phantom Phoenix 1 year ago
Have an upvote for "Satan's schmeenie" TeenieMeanie
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iseefractals 1 year ago
You should be legally allowed to kick people who wear natural deodorant in the face. It does not, nor will it ever work and you smell like an armpits a$$hole. No one wants to hear about the evils of the aluminium in the deodorant that ACTUALLY WORKS, least of all from someone that reeks like a french cathouse. If you have a diagnosed medical issue precluding you from using real deodorant and it's about 22c outside, you should stay at home. Also, no, dousing your stank zones in perfume/cologne is not at all the same, it's just engaging in chemical warfare that has undertones of the stench of a gaping a**s. Stop being disgusting and inconsiderate.
GettingCereal 1 year ago
I make my own deodorant (coconut oil, starch, baking soda, with some aloe added) and I SWEAR it's the only deodorant that has every actually worked for me. Even at a festival in the middle.of summer, I don't have to reapply the same day, with rare exceptions.
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Ur_Fav_Lazy_Panda🫶 1 year ago
In SW Ohio, rn it’s abt 90-95 degrees F and Lume or Native can’t help me but I love both but both deos are so expensive!
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Gibberint Dark 1 year ago
I hope that temperature is Fahrenheit and NOT Celsius otherwise deodorant, natural or not, isn’t going to help a whole lot...!!
Baali Venomax 1 year ago
*natural* deodorant? You mean the ones that ARENT full of toxic chemicals?
somnomania (she/her, queer) 1 year ago
most of them are made of the same chemicals that we're all putting all over our bodies and even ingesting on a daily basis. aluminum isn't even a bad thing, unless you shave your pits, in which case it could, in theory, enter your bloodstream.
Load More Replies... #39
Nea 1 year ago
Those ongoin wars, capitalism, patriarchy, the job market, those societal expectations, my mind most of all.
Don't listen to me 1 year ago (edited)
Microsoft Security. Wild warnings on 3 devices Someone is trying to access your account!!! Yes it's me trying to sneak a peek at my email again today in my usual browser on my laptop I've had for 10 years!!!
#40
~nope~ 1 year ago
I’ve always been curious; why do people hate calls so much? It seems to be a newish phenomenon 🤔 not being sarcastic, genuinely asking
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somnomania (she/her, queer) 1 year ago
i don't even like being around other people when they're on the phone! i get the same kind of anxiety that i get when i have to make a phone call.
#41
Sky Render 1 year ago
I'm 43 and I feel like I'm too young to have a job too. I don't think that feeling ever goes away.
Gracie Mae 1 year ago
meanwhile, my adorable mini-me of a grandchild pokes my upper arm while gleefully yelling 'squishy!' and telling me i'm old!
#42
Natalie Kelsey 1 year ago
Well, funny on purpose people are smart. But dumb people are really funny too in a completely different way
Nancy Whiting 1 year ago
My advice to my kids about dating and relationships is "smart and funny wears better than cute."
Mary Hiers 1 year ago
I agree 100%! Ever notice how great comic actors are often amazing dramatic actors? But excellent dramatic actors who succeed at being great comic actors are rare.
#43
StPaul9 1 year ago
Well, the original myth does hold that Sisyphus CAN quit, but his blind determination in the face of the obvious result prevents him from doing so. Also, his self honour.
My O My 1 year ago
Don't be like sisyphus, be more like me! Call it a day at 8am and go back to bed
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#44
My O My 1 year ago
That reasonates to the employees as well as the recipients
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Nikki Private Citizen 1 year ago
As a former carrier I'd just like to say we like the FedUp joke about as much as cashiers like the if it isn't scanned it's free joke.
Squirrel Chaser 1 year ago
Both are excellent companies to work for. Well paid and excellent benefits.
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#45
Lilybdcsa 1 year ago
I have to keep asking my daughter what she does. I understand the name of the company, but after that it's like listening to the teacher from Peanuts cartoons. Wa wa wa wa waaa.. Ok. Tell me again,
Remi Flynne 1 year ago
I had a career like that. Family and friends would ask me how work was going but they never had a clue what I actually did. These days I reduce it down to one of the key tasks, rather than an overall explanation.
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Huddo's sister 1 year ago
I'm lucky, most of my friends are from uni so I know they are all teachers like me
Alecto76 1 year ago
My best friend has been employed with some type of job involving 'building out platforms.' Something computery. She's been doing this for a couple decades. I still don't know what she does. I've resorted to 'so you get to the office and sit at your desk and . .. what?' I still don't understand. I do know it does NOT involve Legos.
Anna Stephenson 1 year ago
No, but ok, hear me out- I didn't fully understand what my best friend of 30 years did for work until apparently the sh*t started hitting the fan and she needed to vent with me lol
#46
Diane Aguilar 1 year ago
Honestly, a steak sandwich with roasted potatoes and milk would be a pretty solid meal.
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#47
Marianne 1 year ago
In my husband's family, cards stay in their plastic foil and they write "Happy birthday to XY" on the foil with a foil pen. Then they use this card for 20 years.
Tiny Dancer 1 year ago
Awww, bless. We used to call those kind of folks tightwads, lol.
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Kali Chaos 1 year ago
I read something on here once where two sisters traded the same card back and forth, signed each year for like 15 years, until there was no space left. A very cool keepsake.
Jac Carr 1 year ago
My dad never wrote a word inside cards to my mum. They always had "wife" mentioned on the front of the card so who else would be sending it other than him? Romantic to the bone, lol
Auntriarch 11 months ago
Apparently I'm even worse. Not only do I not write Mr Auntriarch's name in his card because who else is the husband around here, but I don't sign my name either, because he's only got one wife and he knows it's me. I do put kisses though, cos you can't have too many
Load More Replies... Beak Hookage 1 year ago
I got this really expensive card for my dad and had this arrangement where he'd give it back and I'd give it to him again with an updated year each time. Of course that came to an end when he inevitably lost the card.
#48
Marianne 1 year ago
Camping is the state in which you experience your own neglect as relaxation.
karen snyder 1 year ago
This makes no sense. Neglect of what, exactly? It takes work to do everything when camping; from sleeping and eating, to hygiene and toileting needs. Just existing while camping takes work. It is in our typical daily lives that we neglect the conscious process of actually living and go through the motions of rest, work, food, disassociation, repeat.
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CrunChewy McSandybutt 1 year ago
I don't work hard all year to live like I'm homeless for a week.
Bec 1 year ago
I love being out in nature, but at the end of the day I want a hot shower and a comfy bed
Alex Boyd 1 year ago
Yeah, these days I usually rent cabins--the state parks where I live have them pretty cheap.
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Philly Bob Squires 1 year ago
Camping: Working hard all year to pay your mortgage or rent only to spend your entire vacation pretending you're homeless.
Sky Render 1 year ago
It used to be about getting away from the rest of humanity for a bit. The suffering was worth it for the solitude.
dayngerkat 1 year ago
I watch camping videos every day on youtube. I live vicariously through them as I think I would actually have a terrible time
#49
Bouche and Audi and Shyla, Oh My! 1 year ago
We approve of all treats, especially the tuna-flavored ones.
iseefractals 1 year ago
A pack of smokes in texas is now at $8, if you smoke a pack a day, that's $3000 per year. $5 coffee every work day, $1300, when it would cost about $40 to do it at home. the $10 you spend on fast food on the way home, $2600. $2000 plus a year on gasoline to travel within a 20 mile radius of where you live. To say nothing of the fact that the average american throws away 1.4lbs of food....every single day. It's not one little thing, it's a whole host of little things that add up to "i don't know why i'm always broke"
Little Wonder 1 year ago
Counterpoint: Little treats make life worth living in an economy where scraping together every single penny and never buying anything but gruel and water will still not get you anywhere.
Load More Replies... #50
Chihuahua Mama 1 year ago
I hate that our bodies don't just automatically know to lift with your legs
InoueAmani 1 year ago
Interesting fact, toddlers actually know how to lift properly, been a feature in some pre-employment safety videos. Then we just unlearn because squatting sucks
Load More Replies... HTakeover 1 year ago
I've tried but it's hard to maintain a grip on something heavy with my toes.
Joanne Hudson 1 year ago
When I fall, people tell me to get up on my knees; if I could do that, I wouldn't have fallen.
#51
Yelenda Lawrence-Tahir 1 year ago
That’s where I have internet, my computer, my games, my books, my food, my bed, my shower, my cats and my phone if I want to interact with people
mikedtw 1 year ago
... and I almost never touch my phone. But then try explaining that in an email to your 80 yr old aunt in California who thinks talking on the phone is next to godliness.
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Michael Largey 1 year ago
People are like mountains - their charm and beauty are best appreciated at a distance.
#53
#54
KittyGaming 1 year ago
Not about cats but fun fact, dogs are actually smart enough to understand what we are saying, they are so smart they can use context clues to figure out where a treat is hidden
Bouche and Audi and Shyla, Oh My! 1 year ago
We also know what you're saying. We just don't care.
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#55
Dragons Exist 1 year ago
My biggest unpopular opinion is that cybertrucks look amazing, but everything else about them (quality, cost, etc) is bad
#56
R Sravanthi 1 year ago
I wonder if the phrase "To whom it may concern" is even grammatically correct? I don't know.....
#57
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#59
Joanne Hudson 1 year ago
I had a terrible hair cut and everybody who knew me told me how much they loved it. Then a month before it was long enough to perm, my hair person left for a month's vaca so for another month I looked like I'd stuck my finger in a socket and everybody said "Its all good; I like it."
#60
Nicole Weymann 1 year ago
"By bunny can't be pregnant! I always seperate the couple at night!"
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somnomania (she/her, queer) 1 year ago
👏 keep 👏 your 👏 cats 👏 indoors! 👏 also get them spayed/neutered, ESPECIALLY if you're going to insist on them going outside.
#61
Squirrel Chaser 1 year ago
Only 7 characters, try again. Oh, you forgot the special character.
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Noname 1 year ago
My BK account requires me to enter a code they email to me when I try to login.
Nimitz 1 year ago
Other ones do that too. Apparently too many parents had issues with their kids getting a hold of their phones and ordering way too much food
Load More Replies... #62
Little Wonder 1 year ago
I said before surgery: "I'm allergic to bee stings, but if there's a bee in the operating room I think we have bigger problems" and the nurse did not even smile. Tough crowd.
Hi 1 year ago
I'm allergic to bees. I'm stealing that I'd I have surgery.
Load More Replies... Leah Banks 1 year ago (edited)
That's like the other day when I was sick and had to go to ER. I was hungry and asked the nurse if she could find snacks or something to tide me over. She said they had packaged cookies and juice, and asked if I had any allergies. I said yes, penicillin. She said they don't put that in cookies 😂
#63
iseefractals 1 year ago
For someone that spends $100,000 a year on psychics? Yes, poodles is the only other option.
Raymond Smith 1 year ago (edited)
Does that include food and vet visits? I guess the psychic saw her coming a mile away.
Diane Aguilar 1 year ago
Anywhere between 75,000 - 100,000 tacos if you're getting them from authentic taquerias
Load More Replies... #64
iseefractals 1 year ago
Valid thought, wasteful in practice. The correct solution is to leave everything in the dryer, and wrap yourself up in your largest beach towel.
#65
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#71
Ladedah 1 year ago (edited)
I just heard this phrase yesterday. My guess is that it is still subject to employer approval (like earned PTO), but - because it is not actually accrued by the employee - they never have to guarantee a certain amout of time off or pay out the earned balance at the time of employee's leaving. The name is likely just a disguise for companies finding another way to f**k over their employees... kind of like how they use the language "Right to Work" and conveniently leave out the words "for less"
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CrunChewy McSandybutt 1 year ago
Unlimited PTO is just a way for companies not to pay you your earned pto pay when you leave.
#72
XanthippeⓐWulf🇨🇦️️🇬🇧 1 year ago
I can't upvote this enough. I am at this moment sitting in a hammock, on my screened in back porch, and it is pouring 🌧 So peaceful & no wasps.
Load More Replies... Cee 1 year ago
Can someone please explain to me why these hereditarily pissed-off little devils exist? And why they’ve ripped off their death uniform from the cute oopsie-I-pinched-you fuzzy flower helpers?
Remi Flynne 1 year ago
Same family I'm afraid. The bad tempered side you never want to visit. Bees and wasps constitute some 20,000 species each but both groups belong to the order Hymenoptera. Bees are thought by some entomologists to have evolved from predatory wasps!
Load More Replies... #73
somnomania (she/her, queer) 1 year ago
i've never understood dating tbh, everyone i've ever been with was a very close friend who i'd known for a year or more
#74
Jaya 1 year ago
I wanna be on bass! I don't play bass yet, but that's okay right?
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#75
Mavis 1 year ago
This clear liquid that falls from the sky is a simple way to stay hydrated and healthy.
Raymond Smith 1 year ago
Di hydrogen monoxide? It can kill you if you breath to much of it in.
Load More Replies... Annik Perrot 1 year ago
Clickbait 0.1. I worry about the poor people who clicked on it to find out what that mysterious vegetable is.
Bouche and Audi and Shyla, Oh My! 1 year ago
My feed seems to find a brand new species of animal every week or two.
#76
Blue Bunny of Happiness 1 year ago
Nah, you need a third course of coffee to make it truly balanced
somnomania (she/her, queer) 1 year ago
i eat coffee, a cereal bar, and a yogurt to start my day, regardless of what time that is. the only full "meal" i eat is dinner with my mom at the end of our day.
#77
#78
Michael Largey 1 year ago
Groucho Marx as doctor taking a patient's pulse - "Either this man is dead, or my watch has stopped."
#79
detective miller's hat 1 year ago
I used to love visiting the local breweries, but now it seems like all of them have a selection of 12 IPAs and one weak a$s lager.
#82
somnomania (she/her, queer) 1 year ago
*for individuals (not towns/cities) who set off fireworks, there, i fixed it for you
#83
CrunChewy McSandybutt 1 year ago
Monster dot com is like this. I get pings for Registered Nurse. Ma'am, that requires a specific degree and I'm a technical writer.
the_avenging_knight (her/she) 1 year ago
But, can't you just write them a cure? /s
Load More Replies... #84
#85
KittyGaming 1 year ago
You know Gatorade is called a hydration drink for a reason sir, it's full of electrolytes mainly sodium to replace the electrolytes we lose when we sweat, mainly lossing sodium, that's actually what the whole controversy with prime was about, it wasn't full of sugar it just didn't have enough sodium that's why Gatorade and other drinks of that sort have a kinda salty after taste but prime tastes really sweet, it's missing a ton of sodium, actually do your research before commenting
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detective miller's hat 1 year ago
The only flavour I could ever tolerate was the red one, but since I associate drinking Gatorade with being violently ill, I can't drink it. :/
Parmeisan 1 year ago
Thank you, I knew *somebody* had to have made that callback
Load More Replies... J. Oliver Scott 1 year ago
I can drink orange and yellow, the dye in the rest of them tears up my stomach.
#86
Bec 1 year ago
I feel a lot better about having a plumber, electrician etc come over because I assume they've seen way worse
#87
#88
Michael Largey 1 year ago
OP is right. There are more reasonably priced palindromes out there.
Diane Aguilar 1 year ago
For example, a taco cat (one cat + one taco costume for cats)
Load More Replies... #89
KittyGaming 1 year ago
Is this animal crossing by chance, also btw fun fact, Tom Nook isn't a raccoon but a tannoki (idk how to spell) a kind of raccoon dog
54 s 1 year ago
Tanuki. His name is a bit of a giveaway. I'm just glad he wears pants.
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#91
MyNameIsNotAPortent 1 year ago (edited)
Am I to understand that Stansted Airport is for NPC’s only.
#92
Victor Botha 1 year ago
James Stevenson, if it's a king or a queen they are referred to as his or her Majesty. Your Highness is used for princes and princesses
Auntriarch 1 year ago
Unless it's before Henry VIII, in which case monarch is addressed as Your Grace, not to outrank the bishops. Well we all know how that ends
Load More Replies... #93
#95
Nimitz 1 year ago
In the early 2000s Canada's salt company (Windsor) had a commercial where a slightly weird looking bald guy just kept looking into the camera and saying "You gotta get the good one." They saturated the market and you saw it every commercial break for about 2 months on every channel. 20 years later, I still think of it daily.
#97
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J. Oliver Scott 1 year ago
I could never get into that show having been introduced to Hugh Laurie's prior body of work I simply couldn't take him seriously.
#99
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#102
Charlie the Cat 1 year ago
Omg. This actually resonates with me. I have been bumping into everything the last few weeks. Both my partner & my Daughter have commented on it. Hit my knees on the chair arms. Stubbed my toes on the table legs. Whacking my shoulder on the way through a door way. I actually manages to shut the car door and smash my chin with it.
Auntriarch 1 year ago (edited)
Not to fear monger Charlie, but that could be check-out-worthy...
Load More Replies... #103
BookFanatic 1 year ago
I especially like when one of my library patrons comes up and requests one of these titles. Always fun to see how how they handle it. Some are straightforward (I'm looking for "Grow the F**k Up") Some beat around the bush ("Grow the...uh...f-word...up"). And one very sweet lady said "I'm looking for that naughty book by Sarah Knight."
Sky Render 1 year ago
We do that because swearing is the only way to get men to listen to us in real life.
Nicole Weymann 1 year ago
I'm literally BEGGING Allie to read a book that isn't written by Sarah Knight if the titles give her so much trouble. I hear there are other authors out there, even when you narrow the search down to "millennial women". /S
#104
Pittsburgh rare 1 year ago
I'd rather eat a deep fried Mars bar than ranch in any form 🤢
Load More Replies... Diane Aguilar 1 year ago
Minnesota represent! That's one of the new state fair foods for this year (2024) and I'm so glad to see it's getting noticed everywhere now.
#105
Squirrel Chaser 1 year ago
June is Gay Pride month. End of month, later homo!
Load More Replies... #106
Little Wonder 1 year ago
Or high school friends who are now part of 8 to 10 different MLMs. No Donna, I don't need candles. Or fingernail stickers. Or lingerie. Or...
#107
somnomania (she/her, queer) 1 year ago
my partner lives 2800 miles away from me and in a different country. we've hung out in person once in the last 15 years. also the rest of our friends are long distance as well, all over the US and a couple in canada and one in australia.
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iseefractals 1 year ago
When my best friend got married, after knowing her and her 6 year old daughter for less than 9 months, i did not attend the wedding as it was 1500 miles away (and he would be moving to the state i was in within a week of the wedding anyway) I did give him a custom built computer as a wedding gift, and after meeting his wife for the first time i pulled him aside and said "i give it 10 years" His divorce was finalized 2 weeks before his 10 year anniversary and i can't decide if i just really know my buddy that well, or if i somehow compelled him to realize my (mostly) joking prediction. Either way, i quite happily don't get invited to weddings anymore.
Michael Largey 1 year ago
People celebrate at weddings because they are not one of the two people involved.
Load More Replies... detective miller's hat 1 year ago
My cousin decided to have a destination wedding in Spain and then ranted on facebook about how no one in her extended family was coming. Like sorry Victoria, lemme go sell a kidney so I can afford the airfare, car rental, hotel, food, plus a wedding gift.
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Michael Largey 1 year ago
Trump could regain my trust by ... wait, he never had my trust in the first place.
#118
J. Oliver Scott 1 year ago
I love Ruffles, they have ridges! Add some dip and that bowl will be empty.
#119
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Huddo's sister 1 year ago
If it's anything like Australia day you start drinking as soon as you knock off work the day before your day/s off. Actually, pretty sure tradies etc start drinking before finishing work.
#122
Jen Exer 1 year ago
We have a "guest" to ladies' lunch like that. She's the only one who shows up more consistently than the organizer.
Squirrel Chaser 1 year ago
Sounds like she's lonely. Try making her feel more included instead of calling her "guest".
Load More Replies... #123
#124
The Other Ben 1 year ago
Huh...I wouldn't have noticed if you hadn't mentioned it, but good question. Too close to be coincidence...
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