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“Marriage Would Make Me Feel Complete”: 35 Ideas Women Were Taught That They Now Disagree With
Interview With Author
I am lucky to have grown up in a household with brothers where we were all treated the same way. There weren’t any double standards imposed due to gender or limitations put on us. But unfortunately, society isn’t always as open-minded.
Women on Reddit have been calling out the patriarchal ideas that they were instilled into them at a young age, so we’ve gathered some of their thoughts below. From toxic ideas about what should be expected of men and women to sexist comments being completely normalized, you’ll find it all down below. So be sure to upvote all of the beliefs and ideas that you wholeheartedly disagree with too!
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
That men are incapable of self control so you better be 100% committed to sex before so much as kissing them, because they can't stop once they get started, so if you change your mind, tough luck. I was taught this by my mother who still, to this day, fully believes it.
Maybe tmi, but even right at his peak, if my demeanor changes at all, my mate stops to check in and make sure I'm still fully engaged. And if, on occasion, for whatever reason, i need to stop? He stops immediately and does not make me feel bad about it. No guilt, no shame, no failure. Ladies, please don't accept less than this in a partner.
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#2
A woman's purpose is to serve the Lord, stay pure until marriage, and serve your husband.
Being raised with this mentality led to being pressured into giving up my "purity" before marriage and feeling as though I had to stay with that man, waiting on him hand and foot, because that's what I'm "supposed" to do.
Religious trauma is real and is a terrible thing to live with. Thankful I am no longer in that situation.
Brazen 1 year ago
My parents raised me the same way. My mom instilled virginity as a virtue and something to be protected at all costs. I was SA when I was 16 and it all went downhill from there for me. I lost my sense of self worth and lived like it. I wish I could go back in time and talk with my teenaged self.
#3
The way people talk about waiting until marriage to have sex. I used to go to a youth group as a teenager for like two years and at the time believed it was important to wait until marriage. There are so many examples but one I remember is “imagine if everyone passed around a chocolate bar and took a bite, you would still be happy when you got a bite but it wouldn’t be the same as a full chocolate bar.” I’m not a f*****g chocolate bar I’m a human being.
Ace 1 year ago
That's just toxic and degrading. Like you lose something the first, and every time you have sex. Not a good way to shape a young mind.
NinjaV 1 year ago
If anything, you gain experience and learn what you like and don't like, then it's easier when you met the right partner.
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FreeTheUnicorn 1 year ago
The more sex you have the better you are at it. The more you know your body and your preferences, the more you know how to ask for/show someone what you want. Everyone has a first time, but why would you want to have sex with a virgin. They don't know what they are doing, and there's often this weird guilt/fear thing from just this sort of bs. You don't lose a piece of the chocolate bar when you have sex, you add a topping.
Nicole Weymann 1 year ago
Ah, but that supports the misogynistic rulers of the beds! Because who would want a woman who actually asks for changes and isn't insta-pleased with whatever hand (aka man and his behaviour) she is dealt? ☝️ /S
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Fellfromthemoon 1 year ago
A better example: a pup goes around and everybody pets him/her. You are roughly the hunredth human to pet / play with the puppy. Would you still go for it, or the pup is not any longer appealing or pure?
Amalie Jaye 1 year ago
That chocolate bar way is yet another way of people objectifying women!
Scott Rackley 1 year ago
What if you unwrap the chocolate bar and find it's one that you can't stand the taste of. Guess what, you still gotta eat that chocolate bar. Quite a bit if you want the chocolate bar to hang around any amount of time. Oh, and God said you can't have any other chocolate bars since you bought that one.
CanadianDimes 1 year ago
This is such a bad example, even on the surface level because hell yes, if someone is sharing a chocolate bar, I'd be happy to get a single bite!
MyCatsTheRealPanda 1 year ago
We got this lesson with pudding cups. Chocolate and vanilla. Every spoonful of pudding was a new partner into the opposite cup. Then that cup mixed some with a third cup and the fourth, etc, to show you how your sex partners are "everyone's sex partners and vice versa". Yeah. Very strange.
Sophia Athene 1 year ago
The way I heard this explained was supposedly done by the male leaders of the church passing around a cup of water, each of them spitting in it. The last man that the cut gets to said to the girl that no man would want to now drink that cup.
Vinnie 1 year ago
Did the studies go into detail beyond numbers? Such as reasons? it's possible that some people have multiple partners because they're not good at relationships. Others may learn from the experiences, get tired of short relationships, and settle down. Personally, I don't have an issue with someone wanting to save themselves for marriage out of personal values and preferences. I do object to demonizing someone who has pre-marital sex.
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Tamra 1 year ago (edited)
I'm sorry you've been raised to believe that a person's worth is dependent upon how many sexual partners they may or may not have, rather than understanding that the sexual impulse is a normal human trait that has nothing to do with inherent worth. Also, curious to know if you apply the chocolate bar belief to both men and women, or just women.
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To find out how this conversation started in the first place, we reached out to Reddit user Neonroli47, who posed the question, "What is something you once accepted as normal but now it boggles your mind that you ever thought that way?”
Neonroli47 was kind enough to have a chat with Bored Panda and shared that they were inspired to start this thread after reading about someone expressing their astonishment at how they accepted poor treatment in a previous relationship.
#4
That marriage would make me feel complete/happy.
#5
When men would catcall, grab me in clubs and touch me without consent. I’m going back about 11+ years when I was out partying etc a lot, it was so commonplace we all just accepted it. I’m disgusted by it now and sad that we all had to deal with that.
#6
Having a 6 years older boyfriend when you're 15. My friend had older boyfriends and it felt so normal that I didn't realize how messed up it was until I was 21 myself. It's legal to have relations with 15-year olds in my country but it's still not socially acceptable. Definitely a law that needs to have another look at.
We also asked the OP if there were any beliefs that she used to hold that she doesn't agree with today. "Belief in religion, or rather, having to base your philosophy on a particular religion," she shared.
"I think it lost its appeal to me after seeing too much fighting between people of different faiths," she explained. "And eventually, [I started] thinking [that] the mythologies you see in religious books seem illogical."
#7
That my worth is about how likeable I am and how I can serve others around me.
I tried so much to meet the unrealistic expectations and gave up when my dad got cancer and literally no one tried to be there for me except for a few friends who are now my ride or die and they didn't do it because i was likeable or serving them, they genuinely love me for who i am.
That experience changed my entire perspective on life.
yo mama's cookie 1 year ago
Oh, I realised that with most of my "friends" in the past year. I was always there, got them through hardships, their birthdays, weddings etc. and when it was my turn, everybody turned their back on me. It still hurts but I got through it and now I am focussing on people who are still here and build a relationship with them, it just takes time again.
#8
Ownership, submission, obeying your partner because they're the man, and codependancy/narcasstic abuse in relationships because my generation was conditioned to believe it was normal. Woman and children are dehumanized even today.
#9
Pretty much my entire family dynamic growing up, and a lot of subtle sexism- I.e. being the "responsible one" and being expected to cook/keep an eye on my older brother so he didn't burn the house down, instead of just... holding him accountable and teaching him to cook? The guy basically had to do a chore badly once and it became my responsibility to teach him or do it myself, even though I was cooking full meals and doing my own laundry as a kid.
We were also curious about what Neonroli47 thought of the replies to her post. "I thought there has to be a delicate balance between being your own person and making space for the people you have in your life," she shared. "A lot of the things described were a result of not teaching children that balance."
"The replies that talked about just accepting sex in a way that amounted to letting someone else having ownership of your body jumped out to me," the OP added. "I related to some replies about how not everyone who you treat well will reciprocate it."
#10
Men won't like or talk or be attracted to you if you look/dress/behave a certain way.
I shaved my head and still get men's attention. Good decent men will care about and love you for you. Everything my mom told me I was doing that men wouldn't like about me was wrong.
Scrappychick 1 year ago
When my mum said this to me my response was Good, I've got things to do
#11
Women keeping quiet when a man says something rude or stupid. I never saw a woman stand up for women when I was growing up.
#12
Believing that if a boy teases me, he must have a crush on me. My daughters are being raised differently.
FreeTheUnicorn 1 year ago
If he's mean it means he likes you is such a toxic thing to say. If he's mean to people, especially those he likes, you shouldn't go near him.
#13
"haha! you got beat by a GIRL!" said by the girl herself when she beats a guy in a game, common in the 90s/early 00s.
#14
I thought spending lots of money on makeup was normal because there’s always new stuff coming out and this pretty color, that nice palette, this new brand that. Turns out a good skincare routine is what’s important, you won’t need makeup then.
LillieMean 1 year ago
And also the fact that you don't need the 10+ products that are advertised to you in your daily skin care routine.
#15
Toxic friendships, find myself thinking “why did I ever put up with what they said?”.
Tabitha 1 year ago
Because a lot of toxic people are really Academy Award level actors, so damned convincing when pretending to be nice people. Unless you’re just like them, you will eventually see their true nasty personalities. That’s the “Aha Moment” when you realize they’re no longer worthy of your attention, and drop them from your life.
#17
The food pyramid. I remember growing up in the 90s. I am very allergic to wheat, soy, processed anything, and caramel coloring. All those years pooping blood, I feel much better now. Knowledge is power and I feel more intelligent now.
#18
This might be kinda controversial but polyamory. I'm sure there's got to be someone who operates better in a poly relationship than in a monogamous one, but from what I've seen and experienced, it does nothing but multiply the issues that exist in monogamy.
Humans aren't nearly as enlightened as they want to be or think they are, and jealousy and favoritism are so easy to breed in a situation where you need to give equal attention and communication to multiple people. It's so easy to gang up on one person in a situation like that.
I'm obviously not saying that monogamy is for everyone, but being poly sounds like a nightmare to me and it's so f*****g difficult to find people who don't want to be involved with others.
I'm pan and nonbinary and I'm also alt which makes me a magnet for these types and they always seem so surprised and a little insulted when I say I want a monogamous relationship.
FreeTheUnicorn 1 year ago
Poly takes a lot of good communication and committment from all parties, so if course it's more complicated than a pair. But if it works for you, it can be great. Just make sure everyone has an adult level of self awareness and empathy before bringing them in.
#19
Pro life. Please don’t judge me! I was young and still in the catholic mindset. Thankfully have grown lots since then.
General Anaesthesia 1 year ago
It's not pro-life but pro-controlling women, anti-choice. If it were pro-life both mother and child would matter after birth, instead of being left on their own, the "once the baby is born, mother and child can drop dead" attitude.
#20
I grew up as a conservative Sicilian-Italian Catholic and until my late teens/early twenties thought that being submissive towards men was what I was supposed to do. As the years went on and I struggled, I eventually rebelled hard. Now, at 35 years old, an atheist, college educated and twice divorced, I revel in my freedom. The thought of conforming, in so many ways, disgusts me.
#21
Defaulting to prefer male bosses, heroes, politicians, pop stars, actors, everything. It wasn't until my 30's that I realized the systemic nature of this. It's so pervasive, you don't even notice. Now I support fellow women, LGBTQ, diversity, and minorities all the way.
iseefractals 1 year ago
If you're supporting people due to absolutely MEANINGLESS identifiers, whatever they may be, you've failed to understand the assignment. Race/gender/orientation/nationality...anything that a person has absolutely no control over....does not matter, nor should it be a deciding factor for placement in anything. The only metric that should be considered is who is best, smartest, most talented and capable. Not some idiotic check box in pursuit of pushing diversity for the sake of diversity.
#22
I took being silenced whenever I spoke up about a different viewpoint as normal. It made me think I had to share the same beliefs as the people around me, especially my parents, which truly f****d up my conscience.
#24
Women letting men be in charge of like, everything. I don’t just mean politics. When I was younger, I had boyfriends give unsolicited opinions on how I should wear my hair, dress, and use/not use makeup. Blows my mind now that any of that seemed normal and ok.
Nadine Debard 1 year ago
Women letting men having an opinion about everything and in the same time (women) taking all the responsibilities on planning and organizing everything in the house.
#25
When being called gay was an insult. Now that I think about it, those guys really were horrible.
Richard Graham 1 year ago
I want to start a new movement. Since the CEO of Apple, Tim Cook, is openly gay; Peter Thiel Co-founder of PayPal is openly gay; David Geffen, the co-founder of DreamWorks, is openly gay, (I could go on and on) the phrase "You're so gay" or "That's so gay" etc. should mean "Very smart, successful, and driven".
#26
Having sex even though i didnt want to or felt like it at the moment, because I thought the guy i was with at the time was right when he said “there is something wrong with you”and i didnt question it because he never had a girl act that way before and i was supposed to satisfy the guy whenever he pleased cause i thought that was the way you were supposed to act when you date someone. Turns out i didnt want to be with the guy because deep down i didnt like him and wasnt attracted to him. Shouldve listen to my body. Never again.
Lara Verne 1 year ago
My friend was in a toxic relationship. After she gave birth to her second child, she told me she had some health issues that make sex unpleasant for her, but her husband did not care. Obviously she knew she was not obligated to sleep with him, if she didn't want to, but she was afraid that her husband leave her and she will end up as single mother. They eventually divorced anyway. She is much better without him. Being single mother is still better than being in bad relationship.
#28
Thinking being nice and doing whatever I can for people I care about would be reciprocated. Turns out the saying treat others how you'd want to be treated gets you screwed over a lot of the time. Example: I let my "friend" stay with me for awhile and it was a disaster. I've never felt so judged by her before, she trashed my home and ran my water bill up. Let's just say she's never staying with me again. Really hurt the friendship too.
#30
Men will fantasize about every woman in their life.
My ex really messed with my head and I’m beyond relieved to know that’s not usually the case.
Enuya 1 year ago
About *every* woman? Nope, I don't think so. About women which are not their partners? Very likely. BUT WOMEN DO IT TOO! It's not like we magically stop noticing attractive people or have full control of our fantasies just because we're in a relationship. What does matter is if you act upon these fantasies or not.
#31
That women shave everyday.
Bewitched One 1 year ago (edited)
Or that men care whether you shave every day or not. If it's been a week, and I tell my fiancé I need to shave, he's just all "nah, it doesn't bother me at all" lol
#32
Being constantly pestered to have sex because that’s just what being in a relationship means. HAHAHAHAhaha no.
#33
Men being controlling, possessive, and overall toxic in relationships. The movies catered to me from childhood all showed me that if a man wants me he will be possessive and not want any other guy to even look at me — I thought it was romantic. I used to feel undesired / like he didn’t really like me if he wasn’t controlling and didn’t get jealous a guy stared at me too long.
Green Machine 1 year ago
I have a friend that thought it was SO nice that her boyfriend wanted to install cameras in her apartment so he could watch her during the day. It's like WTF, girl... NO! It took some convincing that obsession is not romance, control is not love --it all comes from fear and is dangerous. She's single and doing better.
#34
Letting men tell me what I’m worth. “Solving” relationship issues/fights with sex instead of talking.
#35
That girls were naturally catty and you just deal with it because of growing pains. Nope, just like sh**ty little boys who use aggression and violence to solve all their problems because their parents didn't bother raising them to communicate girls are not naturally catty and using misogyny to excuse the insane, cruel and abusive sh*t girls did to me/did to each other is doing NOTHING for the gender.
That everyone just grows up and finds their group/mate unless you absolutely do NOT want a partner in life. Nope, that apparently is not at all a thing.
Enuya 1 year ago
Kids in general are cruel, no matter boys or girls. Mostly it's not their fault as they often don't know right from wrong yet and their parents/teachers don't really care to correct them. Most of them self-regulate and mature a bit by the time they reach they mid-teens. It doesn't make bullying any less painful though and the fact that bullies "matured" doesn't erase the scars they left.
#36
Underwire bras, they're such a scam. Only way I'm wearing a wire under my breasts ever again is if I become an informant for the feds.
Lady Miss Pie 1 year ago
Wrong. If you have very large breasts, only underwire will help. The non-wired bras don’t do ANYTHING for very large breasts
#38
I thought it was normal to let my ex have sex with me so many times a day even if i didnt like it or it hurt me because he was happy.
#39
My family treating me like a lesser human. Love being conditional. Having to work all the time. Wearing makeup hair and clothes to please other people.
#40
Being treated with basic human decency is a rare & special treat which you’re spoiled if you expect. I am still unlearning that & trying to realize that I have worth, however I do know that was wrong to believe.
#41
That I met my husband a month after I turned 18 and he was 31.
Enuya 1 year ago
Again, it depens from the case. Personally, I believe some people feel better in a relationship with an age gap. There are 18 y.o. who feel more confident talking and spending time with people closer to their parents age than with their peers. And there are 31 y.o. who have stable job and position but only just matured enough to start dating "for real". People grow up at different rate and need different things from relationship and from life
#42
Calling best friends or close friends "b***h" as a term of endearment. Oh my adolescent self.
Ace 1 year ago (edited)
That's just fashion, TBH. Swearwords come and go and can vary over time in what they mean and how offensive they're perceived to be. To me this one in particular (not that I would ever use it) could only ever apply to a female who's particularly unpleasant and disagreeable, but I know that like many such words it's changed its usage over time.
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