It can often be pretty difficult to tell whether a couple is actually happy when you're just their neighbor. Or, even trickier, when you went to school with one of them and are now just scrolling through their Facebook profile.
But some romantic relationships are so broken that they're beyond repair, and Reddit user ADTID thinks this can be really evident. So, they made a post on the platform, asking everyone to share what they think are the biggest signs of a couple breaking up.
Immediately, people started sending in their answers. Here are some of the most popular ones.
This post may include affiliate links.
When he smashes her face in the cake at the wedding and she hates it.
Bit OT, but as a european, wtf is up with americans not just eating their food? You smash cake at weddings, portions one isn't even expected to finish, I heard letting a toddler eat/smash a little cake at the 1st birthday is a thing, in movies at least "food fights", etc. If I were to do that, my grandma would disown me! The after war generation still knows what truly being hungry is and (rightfully so) will not let that knowledge be forgotten.
I was at a party one time and there was a marriage counselor there that had been working for 20 something years in couples counseling. I asked her what the number one sign was that the couple wasn't going to make it. Without hesitating, she said "If one person shows contempt for the others feelings, it's over!"
I always think of [the bird theory](https://archive.nytimes.com/op-talk.blogs.nytimes.com/2014/07/11/our-love-affair-with-predicting-divorce/). If one person says to the other, "oh look a bird" and the other doesn't want to connect over the bird (just looking at it and giving a "hey thanks, that's a cool bird") the relationship is not going to go well. Basically you have to be willing to make small every day connections. I find this is true of a lot of relationships outside of romantic or sexual ones as well.
I'm a big fan of John Gottman, a researcher on marital happiness and relationship stability. He can predict with over 90% accuracy which couples will make it and which couples will divorce just by observing how they interact. His books have a lot of insight into the little things you can do to build strength and resiliency into your relationship.
According to him, it's criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. I think once you get to contempt, it's difficult to recover.
THIS is the real deal. Should be MUCH higher. Gottman rocks -- and with the science behind him to back it up.
Social media addiction. If the person constantly needs to show the world they have an SO, and that they are just soooooo happy together, and then gets mad that the other doesn’t post as much.
Social media addiction ruins relationships
This was first thought, the over sharing social media couple. Usually the wife making all of the posts of their "perfect" life/love.
If the relationship started by one of them cheating on their previous partner and then leaving them to be with this new person. I’ve witnessed two of these irl and both of them ended with, surprise, more cheating. Like I don’t know why you’d possibly think starting a relationship with someone who you already know isn’t faithful would be a good idea.
‘walking on eggshells’ around your partner in terms of what you can and can’t say. if you feel you can’t disagree with your partner and/or voice your opinion without it turning into an argument.
My ex did not want me to speak to the new neighbours. We had just moved in. He would not look at anybody when we were outside. I would smile and give a quick hello. I certainly could not have friends, or even people visit me. When we separated, i started talking properly to my neighbours. Everyone i spoke to within say 6 months of our break up,said he looked miserable and angry. They weren't wrong.
If all disagreements end in arguments. Me and my partner disagree about a lot of stuff. But we can talk, discuss, and even sometimes agree with the other person's side. It'd be weird if you saw eye to eye on 100% of stuff too.
When one person wants to "fix" the other. If your relationship is a repair project, you didn't fall in love with who they are. You fell in love with what you want them to be.
When we lost our child and he told me that he doesn’t believe in depression🙃
I don’t think I could ever fill that emptiness…I think my happiness would die and I would be shadow of myself. Many hugs to anyone who has experienced this loss.
When you start calculating how much you give and receive in a relationship.
The way they speak to each other when they’re not alone.
I noticed this after my divorce and I started dating again, because you speak to these new people with a lot of respect and kindness. Then we’d get around married couples and they’d saw awful things to each other in nasty snappy tones, and it was jarring.
Fast forward ten years and all those couples I noticed doing that are divorced now.
I noticed this too. Like when people care more what others think of them than what their partner thinks of them. Like going out of your way to help your friend but not doing the same for your partner.
When they argue over insignificant things like buying the wrong type of spaghetti sauce.
Edit: The spaghetti sauce was just an example and honestly I was half asleep when I wrote the original comment. I should have switched "argue" with "full on screaming matches, insults and name-calling." Regardless if someone bought the wrong spaghetti sauce, fights like that would happen in any toxic relationship for any reason.
If they have strongly conflicted plans for their future. Either means they'll break up eventually or one or both of them will end up in an unhappy compromise.
Breaking up every few minutes and then back together again
if one or both of the people are controlling over the other
How can both be controlling or do they take it in turns? Just asking as I've only seen one partner be controlling before. If one 'controls' the other, how does s/he then control the controlee.
Lack of communication.
Discussing every disagreement means screaming over each other, exploding, shutting off Communications and/or running out of the room.
So they won't be able to resolve anything in a constructive manner
Being attached at the hip/never allowing your SO to have alone time or hang with other people without you. Had one friend whose GF was like this to the extreme. They spent every day and waking moment together for the first 3 months of their relationship due to her always demanding to be with him/never allowing him any alone time. Usually it comes from a place of insecurity. They lasted 3 and a half months and she went full rage crazy when they broke up.
When she pushes you because "you're being a little b***h" while you're going to ER for probably a broken foot.
It was Broken.
I get this. I kicked a kitchen unit. That evening, sat having a drink and smoke,he sat forward and grabbed my toes. The pain was so intense. I had told him I thought a toe was broken. I honestly to this day do not know why he did it. Went to A and E. Broken
When both make the atmosphere so uncomfortable when you are in their house.
Well, to be fair here, they could be making the atmosphere uncomfortable because they don't like you and want you to leave.
Tattoos of each others names.
When one of them posts a giant story on some dating advice sub when the answer is almost always, "You need to talk to your partner about this."
It'll be the most mundane thing being blown out of proportion.
"I (22m) can't stand when my gf (23f) chews with her mouth open. What can I do to make her stop? Should I install a limiter on her jaw so she can't open up as wide? Should I call her mom and tell her she didn't raise her daughter right?"
"Did you tell her?"
"No."
Like wtf!?
BHAHAAGHAGHAGHAGHGHAGHAGHAGh true doe i saw my friend doing this on facebook then her bf commented then started a heated arguement on the comment section, they r in the ldr. (edit:spelling)
Love, to me, is a selfless thing. I think that for a long-term relationship to thrive, you need to care about your partner at least as much as you care about yourself, and your partner also needs to feel the same way.
In my experience:
* Contempt / mockery
* Lack of communication / respect / empathy for the other person
* Glue babies
* Having a wedding as opposed to making a marriage
* With the exception of children, consistently and habitually prioritising others over their SO
Then there’s the things that for me are default dealbreakers: any kind of abuse, cheating, financial dishonesty, violence, gaslighting. This criteria also applies to their treatment of my children where applicable.
EDIT: Since I don’t seem to have been clear enough about what I meant regarding prioritising the children, what I actually meant was my children are the only people I would ever drop everything and run for, over my partner. In day to day life of course your relationship with your partner is equally important.
EDIT 2: A glue baby is having a baby in an attempt to save a relationship.
The extreme jealousy. The jealous one probably the one will commit breakup things
my online friend hacked into his gf socials then told all her male friends or schoolmate to fck off and more
I heard eye rolling is the most common sign of eventual relationship failure. It shows contempt, which is poison to any type of bond.
A pattern that I have noticed is that my friends that spent the very most on their wedding, I'm talking about thousands and thousands of dollars, lasted less than 2 years. My friends that got married cheaply, like me and my best friend, have stayed married. Just an observation.
Edit: typo
Courthouse marriages are so nice and unstressful. Imo, we did it right and had more cash for the honeymoon.
The inability to have a conversation about a hard subject that doesn't immediately devolve into a screaming match.
Again, this is an ethnic thing. I've known a couple from India who were always screaming at each other, as their parents had, they wouldn't have wanted it any other way. But in Western culture, a definite no-no.
Talking on the phone/ facetime/ texting 24/7 . Fastest way to codependency. When one of the partners can't pay attention to their phone, the other gets sour. I've seen it a billion times.
Getting angry at your SO for being depressed
Okay but... it can be very difficult to juggle everything while the other is depressed. Yes, it is not fair to get angry, but the other one now usually has to pick up all duties (kids, money, work, organizing, household, staying positive, listening, while being incredibly worried about SO and trying to keep additional/your worries away from them, thus getting lonely too) which is also very demanding, stressful and at times frustrating. I once had to be the AH and tell my husband while I support him with any way he chooses, he needs to figure out a way to get better, because I just can't hold up any longer. I will do everything in my power to help him find a way, but he need to do it. Yes it is unfair, I understand that, but the kids can't have one depressed and one completely burned out parent. I love him very much, but if I have to choose between him and not completely breaking down, I will choose the latter, for me and the kids. Luckily, he/we did find a way to get better :)
A coworker got married. He and his wife never stopped partying separately with their friends. He would come to work and tell the same “clubbing” stories he told before he even met his wife.
Some of us had a secret bet on how long it would last.
Surprise, surprise, BOTH cheated on each other and they filed for divorce before their 1st wedding anniversary.
I bet 6 months. They made it 10 months before filing.
i mean, i get that watching it is like watching a train wreck happen, but i think it's tasteless to bet on your friends' unhappiness.
Opening up the relationship after years of monogamy.
I’ve seen poly relationships work when they’re poly from the beginning, but from what I’ve seen amongst my circle, a sudden switch to an open relationship after a decade together is a sign that it’s about to implode.
"Where are you?"
"Hanging out with my cousins."
"Really? Vc me rn."
i mean, maybe they want to talk or see the cousins or smth not bc of trust issues
If your conflict resolution method is either screaming and insults or completely shutting down.
Sometimes shutting down for a while can be a good thing. It gives you time to collect your thoughts and reset your feelings. Come back later to talk out the problem calmly.
Going out separately, every weekend. Then having children and the guy not slowing down and still going out every weekend with his friends.
If they're in their nineties.
Moving in together after two weeks. Saying I love you after two dates. Basically anything that happens way faster than it feels it should.
No, this is not a good indicator. Sometimes you just know. We hardly spent a night apart after we first met in a social situation (had seen each other at work, but not really to know very well), effectively moving in together within just a few days. Two homes were maintained for a while for convenience, one in central London, one an hour's commute away. Marriage had to wait an extra year due to circumstances out of our control, but nearly 30 years on we're still together.
One sits alone in their car for a while before going in the house. Just… sitting.
Just arguing all the time. Doesn't matter what about. These things should not be public
A recent personal experience I witnessed.
The entire immediate family of one side of a wedding said it was a bad idea and less than a month into the marriage one of them stayed at their mom's house for the night because they were fighting.
Also they got engaged as a result of a failed break up attempt...
Having to explain all your expenses to your partner. Priding themselves in never getting into arguments. Or better, starting a relationship based on lies.
When they don’t know how to fight! Not fighting in a healthy way or being able to talk about your problems will kill any relationship no matter how much you like them
Arguing over the context/content of what a previous argument was. I walked past a couple the other day who had gone out cycling and they were standing there shouting at eachother because the girl had asked the guy to put a helmet on at some point previously and he wouldn’t let it go that she was trying to force him what to do whilst she said she was more annoyed that he wouldn’t drop it. Reminded me so much of me and my ex before we broke up.
“Happy One Month Anniversary, Baby!”
I kind of disagree with this one. Might just be me, but my gf and I did small monthly celebrations during our first year together. Granted we are long distance and can't do much together, but it still felt nice.
Always suspicious in a joking way, "you look nice, who did you dress up for?" Myself! "That's a nice necklace, who bought you that?" My mom! Assuming that since you were cheated on in a past relationship, it's going to happen again. Constant accusations and always being suspicious of normal behaviors get tiring.
A few people have mentioned having babies to save a relationship. I think the same could be said for getting married/engaged/buying a house to fix an already failing relationship. I've known several couples that were together for many years before getting married and then suddenly break up for good only a few months after their wedding. They've suddenly realised that having a nice wedding and wearing a ring didn't solve their problems.
Always suspicious in a joking way, "you look nice, who did you dress up for?" Myself! "That's a nice necklace, who bought you that?" My mom! Assuming that since you were cheated on in a past relationship, it's going to happen again. Constant accusations and always being suspicious of normal behaviors get tiring.
A few people have mentioned having babies to save a relationship. I think the same could be said for getting married/engaged/buying a house to fix an already failing relationship. I've known several couples that were together for many years before getting married and then suddenly break up for good only a few months after their wedding. They've suddenly realised that having a nice wedding and wearing a ring didn't solve their problems.
