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50 Signs That Scream That A Marriage Is Destined To Fail, According To Older People
Interview With Expert
Those who have been in a relationship know that love isn’t simple or easy. In the beginning, it might seem like you found your perfect match, but when the butterflies settle and reality kicks in, differences and disagreements arise that may make you wonder if you’re right for each other. Then, the couple's survival depends on whether they’re able to work through such challenges or become so consumed by them that the only thing left is to part ways.
Sometimes the outcome becomes more obvious to others who can’t help but observe the relationship from the outside. Like to these older redditors, who recently shared the telltale signs that marriage isn’t going to last. Scroll down to find their most popular answers, and don’t shy away from sharing some of your own in the comments below!
While you're at it, don't forget to check out a conversation with the person who started this discussion in the first place, licensed therapist and founder of Moving Beyond You, Samantha Saunders, and celebrant, mental health advocate, and relationship expert Julie Muir, who kindly agreed to share their expert insights on the matter.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
When the groom toasted the bride at the reception and said he initially didn't like her because she "never shut up," but she was "learning to put a sock in it now," then turned and "jokingly" pretended to backhand her. To the guests' credit, nobody laughed; instead there was awkward silence.
They divorced eight weeks later.
Deborah B 1 year ago
8 weeks seems long...I'd be surprised if the bride left the reception venue with him after that.
Smeghead Tribble Down Under 1 year ago
He would have left without his teeth if that were me.
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TruthoftheHeart 1 year ago
You would have had to drag my entire family off of him, bride included
ynyrhydref56 1 year ago (edited)
Similar situation at my cousin's wedding. He drunkenly mentioned during his speech that he "nearly didn't come today, but glad I did". Oof. They're still together but I've never warmed to him tbf.
David McDonald 1 month ago
.....It took 8 weeks because the Groom was unconscious for 7 and a half.
RELATED:
#2
My son and daughter in law started taking separate vacations. The divorce was about 2 years later.
For the record, I kept the daughter in law, she's a sweetheart.
Riley Quinn 1 year ago
I'm a firm believer in separate lives. Separate interests, bank accounts, and bedrooms. Individual interests adds to conversation and adds to your social circle. Separate bank accounts should be mandatory because you need access to your money, which can be frozen under certain circumstances. And separate bedrooms because we're grown a*s adults who deserve our own space and a good night's sleep, and all the other good physical/mental health reasons.
Feathered Dinosaur 1 year ago
Separate bedrooms, yes, please! I'm a hyper light sleeper and any noises, or God forbid, snoring, will keep me tossing and turning
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Wheeskers 1 year ago
As a married for 30 years Boomer, I can't imagine not sleeping in the same bed as hub. We're a team, and our time together is finite.
Debby Keir 1 year ago
Separate beds in later life can SAVE a marriage, beileve me.
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Gavin Johnson 1 year ago
My parents spend 48 weeks of the year together, they share hobbies, they compliment each others strengths and weaknesses, they are awesome Grandparents, they’ve been married just shy of 50 years. Dad does a couple of long motorbike tours a year, he’s done Europe’s southern most point to northern most point in one go, he’s off to do east to west this year. Mum does more spiritual breaks, retreats and the likes. Separate holidays are not always an indication of any issues!
#3
Several people from my social circle are in our forties and fifties. The bigger the wedding, the messier the divorce.
Riley Quinn 1 year ago
Lavish weddings and expensive rings is statistically proven to end in divorce. Those who spend $1000 or less on their wedding generally have longer marriages.
Ace 1 year ago
Remember, correlation is not the same as causation. It's not the fact of spending a lot on the wedding that is relevant, but possibly the participants are more bothered by the act and celebration of the wedding than they are in the reality of being married. Also of course, as we read so often here on BP, spending money that you do not have on the wedding day means you don't have any money left to live on, put down a house deposit, etc. etc. so married life is starting out already in a bad place.
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Schmebulock 1 year ago
Overextending may lead to more divorces because of the financial strain, but a lavish wedding that the couple can afford does not.
The redditor who sparked this discussion online is a single Brazilian guy who turned 30 this year. His relationship status often allows him to observe misalignments or even straight-up disrespect in other couples.
But since he didn't want to prematurely judge other people's relationships, he chose to ask more about it and directed his question to older people. "They must have seen their share of marriages working and not working and would know better than myself," he said, explaining his motivation for starting such a discussion.
#4
Smashing cake into each other's face at the wedding.
Janelle Collard 1 year ago (edited)
That would be a kick in the goolies (British slang) if some man did that to me. Just sayin'...
Zena 1 year ago
Let's be serious: It's always the groom shoving the bride's face into the cake, never the other way around. It's a way for a man to humiliate his brand-new wife. If this were actually "all good fun" then the groom would let the bride smash his face into the cake, but somehow that's never the way it goes. Which means it's NOT "all good fun."
Riley Quinn 1 year ago
This is some perverted update on an ugly Roman tradition of crumbling a barley cake over the bride's head to exert male dominance and her fertility. In the event the bride missed every red flag up to the point, she should finally get a clue with the cake smash.
Janissary35680 1 year ago
I've seen this "custom" referred to a few times on BP. I never heard of it anywhere before.
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Julia Mckinney 1 year ago
I'd never heard of this so-called custom until 5-10 years after I got married (32 years ago). Since then, I'd seen it done a couple of times but it just seems like a way to humiliate yr spouse AND a huge waste of cake.
Jorge Gonzalez 1 year ago
In most weddings I have been they only put a dab of frosting on each other noses or cheek. In my country cake smashing is reserved for birthdays.
James Howell 1 year ago
So rude and disrespectful!!!Absolute abuse!! Nothing but down from there....
#5
Different views on money. If one is a saver and the other is a spender, the marriage is doomed.
Michael Largey 1 year ago
Where I am a spender, my wife is a saver. And the reverse. We listen and keep each other on track.
PhaseWitFact 1 year ago
One of my kids is a spender who married a super saver. They work together and balance each other out and have a nice life.
Load More Replies... Schmebulock 1 year ago
I doubt this one is accurate. If they are both spenders they are more likely to get in financial trouble and that will cause a lot of strain.
LuckyL 1 year ago
Also depends - if the earn enough and like spening what they have. But if one want's to save everything and one like to have a little bit to spend.... I think that's what the statement is about.
Load More Replies... Riley Quinn 1 year ago
So many reasons, but yeah, this one can be added to the list. Ex thought everything was disposable and spent money that totally belied his low income. Had to eat out at lunch and buy several coffees everyday. I brown-bagged, had a thermos, mended torn clothing, and I'm living quite nicely now. I have a feeling he's living in his van.
Nikole 1 year ago
I feel like people who grew up without a lot of money either keep those same saving habits or go balls to the walls when they start getting a good enough (or in your ex’s case, not) paycheck. And good for you :)
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Niten Sharma 1 year ago (edited)
Not true.It balances the marraige.Probem is that when both are spenders or both are frugal.
#6
As soon as someone starts talking trash about someone behind their back, I figure that the expiration date on that relationship, no matter the nature of it, has expired. It's like an announcement.
Riley Quinn 1 year ago
When I first moved into this building the old people relentlessly gossiped about one another. It was pathetic. Got to the point where I wouldn't open my door, and I avoid them in the hallways. I don't want to hear that kind of talk.
Blupsie 1 year ago
Trash talking is not ok, but sharing frustrations with a friend can be quite helpful. I'm married for almost 20 years now, very happy, but sometimes I needed to ventilate to a trustworthy friend, so I wouldn't give him a very nasty time.
Nikole 1 year ago
I agree. I think this point is describing something different though.
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Harry Gondalf 1 year ago
A marriage counselor wrote that if one partner rolls the eyes when the other is speaking, there's a 90% chance they'll be separated in 2-4 years. This is 'talking trash' without speaking, right in front of everybody.
"It was interesting to see a lot of what they mentioned were things I've already caught glimpses of, such as treating each other with contempt and making bad comments about their spouses. Excessive professing of their love on social media also had already come to mind," he shared.
"And of course, with the advantage of their experience, they shared stuff that I don't yet have the time to have witnessed, like bigger weddings resulting in messier divorces and vow renewals as a sign things are ending near. But regardless, the bottom line is that a lot of what was said were things that are easy to spot when you're not from the perspective of someone inside the relationship," he additionally noted.
#7
My wife and I would invite other couples to go canoeing with us. We had a 100% accuracy in predicting marital success based on the level of cooperation and recrimination during the outing.
Papa 1 year ago
Similar to this, if a couple has been dating for a while, the first road trip that lasts several days will often be a good indicator. It's not uncommon for the breakup to happen pretty soon after they get home.
Julia French 1 year ago
My niece & her husband went on a long road trip touring & camping in western USA national parks in her cooper mini. they had a great trip. he proposed at their last stop. Marriage still going strong.
Load More Replies... Riley Quinn 1 year ago
This is true. Watch how people behave when tested, challenged, and things aren't going as planned. Are they a team or at each other's throat?
Lenore Jean Jones 1 year ago
BP, I'm pretty sure the picture is of a kayak, not a canoe. Right ballpark, though!
Heather Barrera 1 year ago
Wow! I totally get that one. My parents took me on unforgettable intense canoe trips when I was about 5 years old. When a water moccasin dropped into the canoe in my mother's lap. My father swiftly in a singular motion scooped that snake out of my mom's lap into the water with his paddle before my mom even registered the fact.
Dusty's mom 1 year ago
My fiance paddled us into a huge, dead, turtle. As we bumped it a swarm of black flies swarmed us. It's one of our favorite memories. Ya gotta laugh, people! ♥ Looking forward to our next 24 years!
Bart Crunk 8 months ago
My wife and I did a kayaking tour in Puerto Rico. We were older than everyone else by at least 15 years, so we volunteered to be in the back as we assumed we’d be slowest. As it turned out, we were quickest as we’d kayaked before and are good at coordI sting our strokes. We wound up in front.
Gavin Johnson 1 year ago
And I paddle my kayak and canoe solo. No room in my boat for two. Under pressure I’ll stick to being responsible for my own boat and rely on the whole team (who aren’t related to me) for the safety in numbers TYVM.
michael Chock 1 year ago
100% true test. Marriage is not about being perfectly in sync, it's about being willing to adjust so you can move forward together.
#8
Sister and ex-brother in law. They fought all the time before they married, got in a fight AT their wedding reception and shut it down, then lasted a few years before he cheated and they divorced. If your dating years are tumultuous, it will NOT get any better.
Riley Quinn 1 year ago
Obviously too obtuse to see the red flags, but on a bright note, no mention of these nitwits dragging children into their immature lives.
#9
They make rude comments about each other in front of guests, which is very awkward to be around. They'll speak nastily (is that a work?) about the other partner all the time to friends/ family/ coworkers. They'll have emotional affairs on their partner & claim "Oh, he/she/they are just a friend."
StarCrossedFriday 1 year ago
I have a friend who makes the nastiest comments about her bf, in front of him, but apparently not meant to be hurtful. It’s all ‘jokey’ comments like how he’s useless in every conceivable way and how he’s ‘never satisfied any woman, and certainly not her’. Still super awkward, and I really don’t get how they’re still together two years on. He makes comments back too, but they’re nowhere near as harsh as hers. I don’t get it, but she insists it’s all in good fun - I fear he may not think it as ‘fun’ as she does.
Ell Bee 1 year ago
How terribly humiliating for him. Sounds like abuse and not humor to me.
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Riley Quinn 1 year ago
Poking fun at your partner in gest is one thing, but when it gets nasty, you know they're minutes away from a divorce. And yes, having an emotional extramarital affair is even more painful than just sex.
FoxEcoLimaIndiaCharlieIndiAlfa 1 year ago
🎶 Oh baby you, you got what I need, but you say he's just a friend, but you say he's just a friend...🎶
Angie Jensen 1 year ago
An emotional affair is more of a betrayal than a one night stand is. The partner who betrayed their spouse with an emotional affair is 100 times harder to forgive. Their relationship is very intimate, sharing secrets, hopes and dreams. They like the thrill of getting away with it, hiding it is almost like a high to them. Although very difficult (they should see a marriage and individual counselor) forgiveness maybe able to happen. The emotional affair makes you question your worth, your identity
Kathrin Pukowsky 1 year ago
That's what I found so weird about my sister's first marriage. When she announced they were getting married, my immediate thought was "Why?". She spoke about him so negatively all the time, I didn't even understand why she hadn't dumped him yet, and then to get married? That's not to say he was a bad guy, they just had completely different expectations for their lives, and instead of accepting that and moving on, she tried to force it. Totally different story with my brother-in-law now. She's still a big complainer, but not about him, and their life plans actually align.
Lara Verne 1 year ago
My coworker constantly calls her boyfriend. Even if we have night shift, she calls him at 2 in the morning and interrogate him about what he do when she's at work, and constantly calls him names. Poor guy. And she's making calls in our break room, so we all can hear it (you go to hallway to make calls, so you don't disturb others).
When asked if he believes that relationships should always be worth putting in more effort, he wasn't sure about it.
"I honestly wouldn't have an answer for that. What I can say is that it seems like being blind to red flags and trying to make it work even when feeling miserable seems not to be exclusive to any generation. Love being blind is, I guess, a universal and timeless chunk of the human experience," he concluded.
#10
Yes, I went to their wedding, and I was sure he was gay.
Yep...
Riley Quinn 1 year ago
Don't know the year this was posted, but anyone alive before the legalization of gay marriage has either been to one of these faux marriages or knew of them. My friend married a gay man in the service to protect his career and got premium health insurance in the bargain. The principal of my elementary school in the 60's was married with 7 kids. He wouldn't have had that job if he was out. Back then, people did what they had to in order to survive in religious, homophobic countries.
Lara Verne 1 year ago (edited)
I heard about childhood friends, who got married. Guy was gay and lady was lesbian and they both had partners. Their partners also married each other. They all bought a house, posing as two straight couples who live together. It apparently happened back in the 1990s and they fooled everyone for years, but situation became better for LGBT people, so they finally decided to stop playing comedy, got divorced and married their respective partners.
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Tammy Kirks 1 year ago
That was my first marriage. He was gay and I'm sure I was just a reason to please his family and cover up his sexuality. I'm not bitter or mad (anymore). The marriage lasted three years with no children and I've been married to my REAL husband for almost 29 years.
#11
Yes. My brother married an only child that is very close to her parents. Her parents were at their house all the time. He didn’t just marry the girl, he married the girl and her parents. As a couple, and later with kids, they never had the chance to form and grow as their own family unit because the controlling grandparents were always involved. The marriage lasted 25 years and failed as soon as the kids were grown. I knew it would fail about two years after they got married. The marriage was too crowded.
Lenore Jean Jones 1 year ago
An only child close to their parents does not equal controlling, intrusive parents. Frequent visits don't mean that, either. They might be controlling, but they also might not. You have to know a lot more than that.
Russell Tilling 1 year ago
I don’t think 25 years is a “failure”. I was married 24 years successfully.
Julia Mckinney 1 year ago
It depends on the family. My older sister got divorced after 5 years. One of the his reasons was "her family's too close" (as in does stuff together periodically once a month or so, definitely on major holidays). Our mother "was too intrusive" because she came into their new house when they were both at work (WITH their agreement) put contact paper in their drawers & fixed a couple minor things. He decided later that that was really odd for a mother to do and meant she was interfering in thier marriage.
Riley Quinn 1 year ago
This is a perennial topic in Agony Aunt columns. My first marriage, I met the brother several times and the mother on the wedding day, but not the rest of the family. My second marriage, neither of us met the other's estranged families. One of the better parts of both marriages -- no in-laws.
#12
I know this guy who always talked down to his wife. It was really uncomfortable to be around them because he treated her like she was a child. She only stayed with him about a year.
Riley Quinn 1 year ago
I've met these couples, and it's more than awkward. Say something to the bully and you risk the wife getting beat when everyone's gone. But confronting a bully, esp. in a group is something I'm more than willing to do if I know the repercussions.
Monica G 1 year ago
The only thing one can do is to talk with the underdog in the relationship and tell her/him that you noticed that and it is not Ok. Too often such victims lose reality testing.
Load More Replies... Panda Bear 1 year ago
My grandparents marriage was like this. Sadly my grandma is a good catholic girl who would never get divorced. I’m glad my grandpa is gone.
Tommy DePaul 1 year ago
Demonstrating contempt for a spouse is a guarantee of a split. It can be nonverbal, I e. rolling the eyes.
Whereas, licensed therapist and founder of Moving Beyond You, Samantha Saunders, and celebrant, mental health advocate, and relationship expert, Julie Muir, believe that not all relationships are worth saving.
"While effort is essential in healthy relationships, there are situations where it’s better to walk away—especially when the relationship becomes toxic, abusive, or consistently drains your mental health," Saunders says.
#13
My daughter and her ex. He's part of the Mormon cult, and she converted. She's uber liberal, I mean Harris was too conservative for her. Plus she a strong LGBTQ ally. I was surprised they lasted 7 years.
Jane Jayne Jain Jeign Jein 1 year ago
"She's uber liberal, I mean Harris was too conservative for her." ROFL
Luke Branwen 1 year ago
I mean... in US politics, even the politicians labeled as "extreme far left" are barely left of center on an objective scale. While they are willing to make some beneficial changes, they ultimately still want to uphold the current system and the status quo.
Load More Replies... Michael Largey 1 year ago
You can be Mormon and liberal, but you have to be bright and strong.
Rob D 1 year ago (edited)
How??? How do liberal people tolerate dating conservatives? Conservatism is it's own red flag. To each their own, but I look at conservatism as a non-starter. And trust me, I'm not good looking enough to eliminate half the dating pool...but why bother if you know you're heading down a path with an a*****e? At this point, I don't think I could get it up for a pro-life republican c**t.
#14
The ones who constantly post on social media about how wonderful each other are, ‘love you to the moon and back’’ No, I love you more,’ etc. is always a red flag to me. Every single couple we know who posted like this suddenly split up. It was like 'everything's perfect' one day, and one of them has moved out the next day.
Amelia Jade 1 year ago
I had a friend who posted like this. But behind closed doors the marriage was not going well. I knew because she was confiding in me. So, I knew what was really going on. It was really weird to know he'd written her a letter about being a porn addict, and how he wasn't attracted to her anymore, and other devastating stuff, but then see them on FB being all lovey and posting pics of them being close and kissing. The first time it happened I thought they'd managed to fix things. Nope. Their posts were just to keep up appearances.
Angela C 1 year ago
If your relationship is solid there's zero need to brag about it on social media
Pandapoo 1 year ago
Those types of conversations should be in private. I have a relative who married and they are both like this. I had to snooze them on social media to keep from barfing. She especially over shares. When her young teen son came out to her, she felt compelled to post on social media how proud she was of him. Ugh. Just tell him in a normal conversation. He may have come out to you, just not the rest of the world yet. I always hoped he didn’t get bullied in school over it.
Veronica Jean 1 year ago
I know three different people who talk about their perfect marriage nonstop on social. Only one of them is still married, and she cheats on her husband so much he's just accepted it. The other two left their husbands for other men, no idea if they cheated or just left.
Richienotsorich 1 month ago
An acquaintance i have is on her third marriage. They've all been like this. I dont know why she bothers.
Tammy Kirks 1 year ago
When they drop that "look at how much in love we are" photoshoot I know things are not good and the marriage is on borrowed time.
#15
A lack of respect between the parties. I usually see this in the way they treat each other in conversation. Especially corrosive are digs at each other, sarcastic or straightforward, in front of others. A lack of affection and smiles.
Of course if one person expresses either fear of a spouse or of an affair, that means rocky shores straight ahead.
Riley Quinn 1 year ago
My ex and I were so good at BSing the neighbors and casual friends that they were shocked when we got divorced. Only confidants knew the ugly truth transpiring behind closed doors.
"If there’s any kind of abuse—physical, emotional, or psychological—that’s a clear “time to go.” No question," agrees Muir.
"Repeated betrayal is another dealbreaker. If trust has been shattered and there’s no genuine effort to rebuild it, you’re trying to build a house on quicksand."
Contempt and disrespect are also some of the biggest signs that a relationship isn't going to last, she says. "Eye-rolling, sarcasm, belittling, or outright dismissive behavior—those are all signs the relationship’s foundation is crumbling. It’s like poison for any partnership and can be incredibly tough to recover from."
Lack of emotional intimacy is another huge one. "If a couple stops sharing their feelings, skips the “How was your day?” conversations, or loses interest in each other’s lives, it’s a red flag. Emotional disconnection is like a slow leak in a tire—it might not seem urgent at first, but it’ll leave you stranded if ignored."
#16
When the couple start treating each other with contempt, sooner or later, the marriage is done.
Riley Quinn 1 year ago
Marriage brings out a range of emotions, but contempt is the death knell.
#17
Right after the wedding she moved in and he would not give her the password for the thermostat.
Hodge Elmwood 1 year ago
If you believe your thermostat needs a password, you have problems living with ANY other people.
#18
The guy is in the military, the wife raises their son mostly alone! The man continues to re-enlist, even though he promises her he won’t. Poor woman left her hometown, friends, family, to live down South so they could be a family. Guy is still not home much, woman is now unhappy, lonelier than ever! Then finds out man is looking at Only fans, dating apps, and cheating on her. Thankfully she has moved back here, and filed for divorce , she and her son are back with family and friends! This is a friend of one of my kids.
PeepPeep the duck 1 year ago (edited)
This happens a lot in Townsville QLD, when I lived there I made so many awesome girlfriends to hang with who had that story to tell, and were either still with them or separated recently from them. My exes sister was left with a kid for the same reason but he abandoned them. I couldn’t believe it coming from an old school military family with different values.
MorticiaRS 1 year ago
This is exactly what happened to my sister! Unfortunately, she died from alcoholism just a few months after the divorce was finalized.
PeepPeep the duck 1 year ago
This happens in military towns a lot :( it’s poopy. I left a comment above of my experience in north qld Australia.
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#19
Lack of trust is the biggest red flag of all. Next runner up is bitterness.
Craig Reynolds 4 months ago
I would say they are symbiotic in that you can't have 100% of one without 100% of the other.
Load More Replies... Riley Quinn 1 year ago
When you're abandoned, neglected, and/or abused by parents at a young age, trust will be out of reach for many of us, even with years of therapy. Love and trust are learned behaviors beginning in the earliest stages of life. Not saying it's impossible to learn as an adult, but I've never seen it.
Michael Largey 1 year ago (edited)
There's a woman out there I'd be married to if I could have trusted her. I know that her now husband shouldn't trust her either, but it's not my job to tell him that.
Additional relationship warning signs that Saunders mentions include a lack of communication, repeated contempt or criticism, and a breakdown of trust. "When both partners feel disconnected or like they’re no longer a team, it’s often a red flag. A persistent lack of effort to resolve conflicts or an unwillingness to meet each other’s emotional needs can also signal deeper problems," she says.
#20
When one person takes up some sort of endurance athletic sport I start to get worried. I know multiple couples where one partner took up long distance running or biking or triathlons and divorce followed not terribly long after. I'm guessing that the endurance athletics is a way of escaping things at home rather than the cause of marital strife (although meeting fun new people who are excited about the same cool new thing you're excited about probably doesn't help any). But if I see this in a couple I know and am relatively close to I'll come right out and ask them how their marriage is doing. It can be an awkward question. But I'd rather ask and let them know I'm happy to help out with the kids, encourage them to seek counseling, etc. than not help them try to save their relationship.
Riley Quinn 1 year ago
Spouse #1's endurance sport was his career, which I was keenly aware of before the marriage. Spouse #2's endurance sport was alcohol and all the ugliness that comes with that level of commitment.
Pheebs 1 year ago
One of my step parents was like spouse #2. I watched the marriage with my parent descend further and further every year as they lost the fight against their addiction. Took the divorce and almost losing everything after because my parent was the only reason bills were getting paid (not because lack of money, but too drunk to manage them) before they backed off the bottle again. Not sure how they’re doing now, almost 15 years later. Alcohol was an addiction that ran in that family, sadly.
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Willie D'Kay 1 year ago
I never thought about this, but my one cousin who never ran in HS or anything took up running and even trained for marathons while married to her first husband (we all hated him and he was a terrible father). I don't think she did any more marathons after the separation and I know she gave up running altogether with the second husband (great guy and great father to his own son and hers as well).
Andrew Bome 1 year ago
I have never given my significant other any reason to be jealous. However she has referred to my bicycle as "the other woman". We are still going strong.
michael Chock 1 year ago
It can also be getting in shape because they know they will be joining the singles market.
Julia French 1 year ago
I think sometime our actions, particularly new actions, can be metaphors for things we are in denial about. Has the marriage already become an endurance sport?
Parmeisan 1 year ago
"a couple I know and am relatively close to" - there are levels of closeness where this is okay. And if you're close, you'll also know if they would prefer you to butt out.
Load More Replies... #21
Telltale sign that marriage is kaput: when the couple have an elaborate, showy vow renewal ceremony and celebration.
They distract themselves by planning the event. After the last guest leaves and the party’s over, it’s back to reality and the marriage is still s****y.
Michael Largey 1 year ago
In a good marriage, you renew your vows practically every day without even thinking much about it.
Lenore Jean Jones 1 year ago
I think it's like a lot of things. Some people will do it for that reason, and some do it for other reasons. People have anniversary parties, too, and they don't inevitably lead to divorce.
Riley Quinn 1 year ago
I guess the qualifier "elaborate" is the key here, because I know of several marriages with vow renewals that are still healthy and going strong.
Blue Bunny of Happiness 1 year ago
My parents always said they had no need to renew their vows as neither of them had broken any of them! 57 years of marriage when Dad died.
Monica G 1 year ago
My ex parents in law celebrated 50 years of marriage. Big event with renewal of vows in church. That was about 7 years ago. They will never divorce. She is codependent and chose to close her eyes to his cheatings and neglect. He displays machiavelian and narcisisstic traits, which he also passed to his children.
Hodge Elmwood 1 year ago
Big red flag for celebrity marriages is when one of the couple insists, "Our marriage has never been stronger." You can count on hearing about the impending divorce within six weeks of that statement.
#22
People who seem to think that they get points if they prove their partner is stupid or evil. Pro tip: never gossip about your spouse.
Riley Quinn 1 year ago
I don't understand why people point out they're married to a stupid or evil person. It says nothing positive about their choices or self-esteem. You mention this stuff after the divorce.
Debby Keir 1 year ago
or if you have kids, you try the darndest NOT to mention it after the divorce.
Load More Replies..."That said, most other issues can be worked through, but only if both people are willing to roll up their sleeves and do the work. A one-sided effort? That’s not sustainable," says Muir.
"Serious trouble doesn’t always mean the end, though," Saunders agrees. "If both partners are willing to work through challenges and prioritize growth, there’s potential for healing. The key is to recognize whether the issues are temporary or rooted in deeper incompatibility or harm."
#23
They got married for the kids.
Michael Largey 1 year ago (edited)
If you get married only for the good of the kids, you probably should get divorced for the same reason.
Riley Quinn 1 year ago
Yeah, because kids are not only dumb, they're resilient. They won't internalize because they picked up on your emotions, no siree.
Craig Reynolds 4 months ago
If you're not ready for marriage, do not have kids. Getting into a marriage you're not desirous of, just because of the kids, can lead to resentment towards both the kids and the spouse. It won't end well.
#24
I knew my brother's marriage was done from the beginning. No one liked her, she'd been previously engaged and had a kid. He was very sweet, and bro cared for him immensely. She took advantage of that. We could tell just from their interactions in public that she treated him like a doormat, it was his first serious relationship. They even used her reservation for the venue she's made for the previous guy, so it all felt rushed.
Why we didn't like her, and I mean NO ONE, could fill a phone book. Mom kept it civil and tried to be friendly so that he wouldn't push away from us. But they moved an hour away, she convinced him he didn't need anyone but her, and his friends stopped hearing back from him at all. They'd turn up for holidays. When they had their kid I didn't think he'd get out, but finally he's had enough of her narcissism and grew a spine. Just under two years from wedding to divorce. He's a much happier guy now!
Hodge Elmwood 1 year ago
I wish people in bad marriages would get a clue BEFORE they have a kid, who is going to be more hurt from the fallout than either spouse.
Janissary35680 1 year ago
Even worse is couples that have a kid "to save the marriage".
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Kayleigh Johnson 5 months ago
I wish my brother would see sense... his wife has cut him off from his whole family, they have 2 children who are not even allowed to go to school, they are home educated and he has to work from home. I miss my brother so much
#25
Every person I ever knew that got their spouse's name tattooed on them ended up divorced.
Amelia Jade 1 year ago
I got my husband's name tattoed on me back when we were around 22. We both turned 50 this year and we're still going strong. We've been together 30 years, married for 28.
Schmebulock 1 year ago
Crazy, every person I ever knew that got their spouses name tattooed on them are still together.
Keith Lancaster 4 months ago
I had both my Husband's and my initials tattoed on me about thirty years ago. We were together until he died. Never regretted it and I am still glad that he will always be with me.
Megalodon Meg 1 year ago
I have my husband's name as well as a caricature of him on my body. Been almost 15 years. Dad also had two tats for my mom, one being a huge chest piece of her name, they were 25 years in when he passed.
If partners decide that the relationship is worth putting effort into and saving, Saunders recommends strengthening their connection by checking in with each other, practicing active listening, and prioritizing quality time. "It’s also important to acknowledge individual needs and set healthy boundaries. Seeking professional help, like couples counseling, can provide valuable tools for navigating challenges," she says.
#26
My cousin married a guy who cheated on her several times while they were dating/engaged.
I set the over/under at 3 years and I took the under and I won. It lasted 2 years because she caught him twice but I know there were more but I chose not to inform her of the others that I caught him with. I just didn’t want to get involved and I felt that she knew who he was when she picked him.
#27
My bff got married to someone I dated before her (we were in our early 20’s). I didn’t care they dated, we broke up amicably, but I begged her not to marry him because he was an alcoholic that was 10 years older than us, previously married, with two kids. I was a bridesmaid in their wedding because I love her, but I knew it wouldn’t last. Thank god it didn’t last.
FoxEcoLimaIndiaCharlieIndiAlfa 1 year ago
I'm guessing because OP was young and likely lacked much experience in relationships. Plus this guy was 10 years older which I'm sure was intriguing to a young lady but once she learned that he wasn't her knight in shining armor and an alcoholic, she broke it off with him. You don't know, what you don't know. Now the friend that ended up marrying him, she was fully aware of this guy's baggage but chose to overlook it, for some reason, that I don't understand.
Load More Replies... #28
When our kids were in school, there were parents who had everything!
They drove big SUVs, they and their kids always had the latest fashions. Their kids had smart phones (sp were new and crazy $$$)
and when their kids turned 16, they got a nice car. Maybe not brand new, but nice!
My husband and I would exchange looks as they made their grand entrance into whatever activity our kids were all involved in.
We knew where they worked and what kind of money their jobs paid. Our kids thought we were the meanest people ever. Because they wore cheap clothes, got a cheap little flip phone when they got their license, and had to share a car with mom!
When the kids started heading off to college, they were shocked when these classmates' parents got divorced. It didn't surprise us.
Once the living large through their kids ended and the "show" was over. Mom and dad were left with a giant pile of debt!
Spending more than you make doesn't impress people.
Riley Quinn 1 year ago
Due to the medication I was prescribed for a misdiagnosed disorder, I would become manic resulting in a shopping spree limited to how much I could carry. But when it happened after my introduction to online shopping, I was out of control. Fortunately, I always crashed within a few days, and repairs were eventually made. Yet I can't understand people who live like this for years.
Chich 1 year ago (edited)
I was put on some meds while in hospital (some steroid iirc) and they listed off the side effects, one of which was possible out of control spending sprees. They actually had to get the family of another patient to come and take his phone and laptop away as he was going wild on ebay and amazon.
Load More Replies... Muir also emphasizes the importance of communication. "Sounds obvious, but honest, respectful communication is the glue that holds everything together. Then, don’t underestimate the power of small gestures. A heartfelt “thank you,” a spontaneous hug, or even just making your partner’s coffee in the morning—it’s the little things that keep the spark alive," she explains.
Another big one is not being afraid to ask for help. "Therapists and relationship educators (like myself) can be game-changers. Sometimes, having an outside perspective is all it takes to get things back on track," she concludes.
#29
I know 3, the biggest clue they all had in common was rushing into a marriage after a couple months of meeting.
When asked why the rush, every single one of them applied the same logic:
"she is my soulmate!".
2 of those divorces are the same guy, apparently he found 2 soulmates.
Bean-P*nis:
Yeah my ex best mate. They were together half a year, told me he proposed and she said yes. I asked if he was having problems with his mental faculties.
Still invited me to the wedding 3 months later, as best man, I declined and told him he'll regret the marriage. He cut me off. Couple of months later I found out they split and he regretted it.
I didn't reply to that text.
So telltale sign would be rushing it.
Skogsrået 1 year ago (edited)
I belive in soulmates but not in the way most people think, many people think that a soulmate must be someone that you are romanticly involved with. I belive a soulmate is someone you have a very strong bond or connection to, someone that you connect with on many levels, feel safe with and can be yourself with. It can be a relationship between parent and child, between siblings family, friends and so on. Through time the meaning of a soulmate has changed into some cheesy romantic image that leaves many people dissapointed and bitter, soulmate does not mean what most people think it does.
Hassel Davidhoff 1 year ago
I love that you pointed this out, I know exactly what you mean.
Load More Replies... Julia Mckinney 1 year ago
Once again, it depends on the people involved. My husband and I got engaged after 2-3 months. Neither one of us had had a relationship that lasted over 6 months so we tacitedly agreed we wouldn't discuss marriage until then. After 2 months, both of us started thinking long term. That was over 32 years ago. Of my 3 sisters and I, all 4 of us were engaged within 6 months of meeting our husbands. Our success rate is 50/50. 2 marriages have lasted 32 & 35 years, the other 2 were 5 yrs. & 17 yrs.
Hodge Elmwood 1 year ago
Folks, if you end a sentence with an exclamation point (or a question mark), even if you're just quoting someone else, you do not need to put a period after it. Just sayin'. As for soulmates, I hate that trope. It's not a real thing, it's a fantasy.
Riley Quinn 1 year ago
Even marriages with long engagements can be faulty if the couple can't handle unforeseen challenges, but rushing into a marriage is simply foolish. At least test the waters for a year living together before making a commitment of marriage.
Bart Crunk 8 months ago
I don’t believe in the soulmate thing. My wife and I met in January, started dating in February, got engaged in April,, and moved in together in May. My mom said we were rushing. We got married a year later. That was 34 happy years ago. Sometimes it works.
Christy Barrett 1 year ago
I know people who married after knowing each other only a few months or even weeks. They lasted a long time, including my husband and myself. Then i know people who dated years before marrying and they didn't last very long at all. You can't always judge by how long someone has known or dated. It's probably more reliable to date for a while but not a guarantee.
#30
The whole wedding party was making bets on how long it would last.
When you hear the term starter marriage at the wedding.
Riley Quinn 1 year ago
The bulk of the weddings I attended was between 1975-1995, and the majority of them were because they were expecting a baby. It's not worth the effort, but part of me is curious how they all turned out.
FoxEcoLimaIndiaCharlieIndiAlfa 1 year ago
Were you a wedding crasher between 1975-1995? /J I understand not being in touch with everyone from the weddings/marriages you attended but I'm guessing you know how the majority of them turned out, right?
Load More Replies... SlightlyTarnished 1 year ago
I wouldn't be part of a wedding I didn't believe would last. Thanks, but no thanks, and I'd be honest with them.
Ivana Hotdog 1 year ago
We did that with my cousin's third wedding... The wife is a strong Catholic, though, so divorce isn't possible.
#31
He's on his third marriage; she's on her second. He cheated on his first with the second, the second with a mistress/fiancee; cheated on fiancee with wife #3 and now they fixing to divorce after less than 3 years.
He's not happy unless he's got a good looking woman on his arm, and can brag about how much she howls during s*x; she's not happy unless she isolates him and makes his life miserable.
Oh BTW these are people
in their late 60s/early 70s.
Riley Quinn 1 year ago
You think this level of selfishness disappears before they hit a certain age? People who are selfish jerks in their youth remain that way into old age. There're are a lot of old people who don't deserve the time of day, never mind unquestionable respect as we were taught.
#32
Whisper arguing in public.
StarCrossedFriday 1 year ago
I sometimes have loud staged arguments with my better half, to avoid street salespeople - does that count? It’s actually both fun and very effective; we just end up yelling things like ‘I’ve had it with you always taking out the trash in a timely fashion!’, and ‘for God’s sake, why do you have to be so attractive and considerate to me all the time!?’ and walk off giggling like idiots.
GettingCereal 1 year ago
This makes it seem like couples aren't allowed to fight without the relationship being doomed. I find that idea just creates false expectations that a good relationship is only smooth sailing, when actually there's bound to be conflict when two people share their entire lives.
Riley Quinn 1 year ago
You're not fooling anyone. The expressions and gesticulations are doing all the long-range communicating.
#33
Marrying too young. 60% of marriages that happen between ages 18-24 end in divorce because this is the time of brain development. You are one person at age 18, and have changed and grown by the time you are 24. Your likes and what you will put up with are different.
Amelia Jade 1 year ago
This is stupid. It implies you won't change past 24. You're always changing. Met my husband at 19. We married at 21. We're now 50. Yes, we were different people at 24 than we were at 19, but we're also different now than we were in our 30s.
Kelly Von Tee 1 year ago
I'd say it is a bit silly to assume people don't continue to evolve throughout their lives, but the 18 to 25 is quite a developmental leap, psychologically speaking. And statistics don't lie- young marriages are likely often to end in divorce. And the same can be said for people in their 40s/50s,often after the children are grown and people realize how little they actually have in common anymore.
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Hodge Elmwood 1 year ago
News flash: Your brain continues to "develop" long past the age of 25. The study that was trying to determine when this stopped happening simply ran out of money when their study got to people around age 25. They never found evidence that the brain stopped processing new info. The reason younger people's marriages often fail has more to do with emotional immaturity and a lack of real-world experience (and probably doesn't apply to every younger married couple).
Anastasia Procner 1 year ago
Disagree. My husband and I met when I was 19 and he was 21, we got married just over two years later. We're in our mid-thirties now and I feel like we grew up together. The amount of memories we have together is wild, we've witnessed each other become the adults are now. It's been a wonderful journey so far and we're nowhere near done!
Sven Horlemann 1 year ago
Then I am lucky. Married with 24, still going strong 33 years later.
Ronna Black 1 year ago
Met my spouse when I was 17 and she was 15. We lived together about 25 years before we got married. We have two anniversaries. New years Eve (the night we met 39 years this coming NYE, and our wedding anniversary in June because we A) wanted a date we would both remember, and B) we wanted to be June brides 🎉🥰. My parents married young and this February would have been their 58th year together if my mother hadn’t passed. WYKYK.
Julia French 1 year ago
I had a cousin who as a young woman married young military men (there was an Air Force base next to her home town) & would divorce them shortly after they got out of the service. My mother noted "She loves them while they are in an environment that challenges them to grow but without that environment to push them they stop growing & she doesn't get that" . College/university can also be htat kind of situation
Tom De Paul 8 months ago
And military divorce/property settlements are very generous.
Load More Replies... #34
Last wedding I went to:
• He's a recovering d**g addict, she's a devout christian who wants to fix him.
• The vows were all about how the sole purpose of marriage is procreation.
• The speeches from his friends... didn't mention her.
Michael Largey 1 year ago
If the sole purpose of your marriage is procreation, it should last about nine months.
Chich 1 year ago
Knew a woman who married into a christian cult. She was to be the 'barefoot and pregnant and tied to the kitchen' schtick while he could do as he pleased as head of the house. A kid a year for several years and still stuck with it. Then one of the kids got a life threatening illness which seems to have finally brought her to her senses. She's actually said "WTF have I done"
Riley Quinn 1 year ago
Haven't been to a wedding in over 30-years. At my age, it's the funerals that are popping.
Michael Largey 1 year ago (edited)
"People rejoice at weddings for the same reason they cry at funerals - they are not the person involved." - ambrose Bierce
Load More Replies... #35
About a year after my friend got married, he told me that he was in therapy to work on their issues. He was in therapy. Just him.
They made it about 5 years longer than I thought they would, but yeah, they're divorced now.
Riley Quinn 1 year ago
Always try couples therapy before making the final decision, but if only one is going to therapy, that's a big clue what the decision will be.
Child of the Stars 1 year ago
Yup. I suggested couples therapy to my husband a year or so before I started individual therapy. He refused. That was in 2019. Then he was in completely shocked when I told him in 2021 that I was done and HE suggested couples therapy. Nope. Too late. I was done.
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#36
The groom got so drunk, we had to put him to bed at 7PM!! He literally didn't make it to the first dance.
#37
My sister kept talking up her favorite male co-workers to the point of annoyance. It was obvious she was in the market for another man and, sure enough, she dumped her husband. I liked him better than the new guy.
Riley Quinn 1 year ago
Fairly close friend was always crying about how her husband was cheating on her, but she never bothered to tell me she had been cheating on him since before the marriage.
#38
Every female friend I had whose boyfriend/fiance cheated on them prior to the wedding ended up in divorce--all due to ending up in abusive relationships.
#39
On the other hand, nothing signals a poor relationship like, "We never argue." Those people have no interest in each other and no investment in the relationship.
Nichole Harris 1 year ago
Nah.... We don't argue because we agree. If we don't agree we have a respectful debate... Why argue and get angry at each other
PeepPeep the duck 1 year ago (edited)
Yeah I was gonna say, my mums have been together 25yrs, they have had one massive argument (they had to both deal with childhood trauma, and they dealt with it). They never bicker or argue because for some reason (and it’s annoying in the way you watch a romance movie and wish it was real) they just agree and get along like one person. Which I love more cos as a kid when mum came out, everyone in the 90s was like “gay relationships don’t last” etc and they outlasted alllllll those judgmental couples except one judgemental neighbour who has the blessing of having his favourite daughter grow up to be LGBT ❤️ 😂 so he had to learn to stop being a biggot and be a man, and he did.
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T'Mar of Vulcan 1 year ago
My parents were married for 56 years (they had their anniversary less than a month before Dad died) and had one argument that I can remember. They always boasted they never argued. I think it was more that my dad was incredibly intelligent and persuasive and 95% of the time he was right about whatever it was. Annoying, but eventually you're like Captain Kirk: if Mr Spock said it, it's true.
Dragon mama 1 year ago
Can attest to that. It took a long time to realize that my ex would say whatever he needed to say to keep me happy, but would then do whatever he wanted to.
Neb 1 year ago
Not necessarily. Sometimes you don't argue because you came from the home where there were plenty arguments and shouting, and now you both enjoying a possibility to discuss everything calmly. Also helps when you are similar to each other with likes and dislikes, and non-controling. If there is something that is deal-breaker for one, usually it is not deal-breaker for other.
Dusty's mom 1 year ago
Heading for our 25th. We don't argue because we had one early blowup that deeply hurt us both. Now we listen, offer support, and ask for advice from each other. We don't make decisions for the other. Both of us learned how to give and take. No magic potion; just learned to be considerate of each other. Knowing how good it feels to be loved and respected, and valuing the other foremost, we hope to continue to steer our marriage through the rapids and rocks of life. Hubby's Grandpa also told us to never go to bed angry with each other. Sage advice!
Šimon Špaček 1 year ago
As pretty much anything in life, there is a healthy amount of it. Never argue about anything? That is weird. But also argue everyday about something is unhealthy. So, it is fine to argue about some things, but if you get in shouting match over "should we have china or pizza for dinner", your relationship is over.
Riley Quinn 1 year ago
Heck, I argue with myself. These types must be living in such repression and denial that it makes AI seem human.
Michael Largey 1 year ago
Couples who never argue either have great communication - or none at all.
Pheebs 1 year ago
Closest to arguing my hubs and I get is a look. Once the look comes out, the talking begins. Occasionally the look means a request for some cool down to get the brain back on even keel before talking. No yelling, no snottiness, no running off to whine to friends or family. We’re 14 years strong, and can honestly say we don’t argue. It is correct that so very many are just hiding their issues with that statement, but sometimes it’s genuine.
#40
Eye rolling, making fun of one another in front of other people, distain and disrespect.
Tommy DePaul 1 year ago
This one should be higher. It's the most cited in the literature of relationships and divorce.
#41
Well a big telltale sign for my cousin’s failed marriage was that right before my speech at the reception, another bridesmaid told me that the entire wedding party had an orgy the night before. 🫨 That was fun giving a speech after that information.
I don’t even think the marriage lasted 3 months.
FoxEcoLimaIndiaCharlieIndiAlfa 1 year ago (edited)
I'm guessing OP wasn't invited to the wedding party orgy because she was related/cousins with the bride. I hope no one else in their wedding orgy was a family member to either the bride or groom, but if so, to each their own, I guess. 🤷♀️
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#42
The way my neighbor treated me. Assuming the worst. Assuming it's always about her. Acting unhinged. I thought "If she is treating me like this imagine how she is treating her husband." I am now the proud owner of new normal neighbors.
Riley Quinn 1 year ago
Some people wave red flags that are so huge there's just no missing them.
FoxEcoLimaIndiaCharlieIndiAlfa 1 year ago
I FTFY, I am now the proud neighbor of new normal neighbors.
#43
I had a friend who met a guy at a pub crawl. They “dated” for about a month and decided to get married. Three weeks later the extended group of friends/partiers/bar regulars/etc were all invited to their wedding. It was held at a bar on a Saturday afternoon. I lost touch with her, but found out later the marriage lasted 6 months. Once they both quit partying, they realized they had nothing in common.
Barbara Deskins 1 year ago
My second husband was a bartender and so was I at a bar across the street. Mostly, we just drank together. Marriage lasted from just before Christmas till Valentine's Day
#44
My husband's friend had a sort of bet with that girl that they will get married. They barely knew each other and had nothing in common. He was 26, she was 19 and all his friends were shocked and asked him to think better. Her brother was the groom's friend. Well... used to be. He was mad because of this wedding, came there just for a couple of minutes and left.
They lasted 2 months. In my opinion it was the most idiotic wedding I've ever attended.
Riley Quinn 1 year ago (edited)
The money spent on these major fiascos could've paid for a few semesters at a university, a down payment for a starter home for self or as income, or a splurge vacation to soak up some culture. The Yankee frugality in me is much stronger than any notion of romanticism.
Chich 1 year ago
Seems like half the posts on BP are about how people have no money and are struggling while the other half are about people spending the price of a house on a wedding.
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#45
Lack of mutual respect and at least one of them not putting in the effort.
#46
I'm only 42, but my sister and her ex husband. She has poorly managed bipolar that she weaponises. (Apparently it was her ex husband's fault that she chased other men while married to him.) I always thought he could do better, but it got way worse after she started messing with her medications because they wanted a baby.
Susical 1 year ago
I have bipolar, & it really pisses me off when people with this diagnosis go off their meds. You will *inevitably* become manic again. You will hurt yourself & everyone that loves you. What are people even thinking?
Craig Reynolds 4 months ago
They are not; you just described my first wife perfectly. Would follow the Doctor's orders and stay on her meds as prescribed. She hated being grounded in the middle and was always experimenting and self-medicating. She enjoyed the mania, but with that came zero impulse control or morality. Sometimes she got the self-medication wrong, and that led to 3 s*****e attempts. She even became an alcoholic, and that made it worse. She was also a rapid cycler and could go from depression to mania several times a day. The last straw was when I caught her cheating. I remarried and have been happily married for 19 years now. The Ex only got worse and never got married. Her entire family, except for one uncle, wants nothing to do with her. She actually caused me to have severe anxiety and panic attacks over her behavior.
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#47
I knew a couple who, on their wedding day joked that they got married, "To get the first one over."
No one expected it to last. It did not last.
Pheebs 1 year ago
Leading up to the wedding, I joked with my (now) hubs that my next wedding was going to be way more low key. Not that we had an extravagant or expensive wedding - it was just a bit stressful to plan. Half the joke was it was his 2nd wedding, and my first. Never was it a serious statement, and he generally just rolled his eyes at me or played up the joke more. Insurance policy jokes are also fairly common between us, so I guess we’re just weirdos.
#48
My wife an I have noticed three things over years, probably in this order:
1. separate bank accounts
2. Somebody being gay, but not open about it
3. a child from before the marriage.
whiterabbit 1 year ago
Nope. I'll never fully combine finances with somebody else or marry without a prenup. My BF and I have a very healthy relationship, he makes about 60% more than me. We are both smart with our financial decisions, we know everything about eachother's finances and discuss large purchases with eachother because we respect eachother's advice. But at the end of the day anything he earns, purchases, saves, or inherits is 100% his, and vise versa. We just think it's irresponsible to not make sure you'll always be financially independent and not screwed over.
Riley Quinn 1 year ago
I've already said my piece about separate accounts. Unless you can see into a glorious future, learn how to CYA. A mutual joint account to cover monthly/annual expenses is a good idea, the rest goes in personal accounts.
Depressed Lesbian(she/they/he) 1 year ago
My mom had us with my dad. Mom and dad are divorced. Her new husband, Jason, also had kids. They got married after 4 years, and unlike my parents, I never hear them argue. She’s so much happier with him, or even on the phone with him(he has his kids at similar times mom has me). Kids aren’t really a dealbreaker.
Fun Size 1 year ago
Separate bank accounts are the only sane thing to do. Never, ever, ever, combine your finances. I don't care how much you love and trust your partner, don't do joint credit cards or savings accounts. Have a joint checking for things like bills and other common expenses, but separate everything else.
Jeolas1 1 year ago
Something makes me suspect that the creators of this one are quite religious. Why is it a bad (even the worst) sign if there are separat bank accounts, and why is it bad for the marriage to marry after a child is born? I mean, where I'm from, or at least among my acquaintances, the couples still going strong after decades ALL but one have separate bank accounts, and the majority of them married after they had the first child. (My own parents only married when I was 18, because they found out there were financial benefits if they did, and yes, they're still married over 20 years later ...) I agree, though, that it's not a good sign when one spouse is gay but not open about it. Only, again, isn't it weird, to put it that way: "gay but not open about it". If one is gay AND open about it, but still in a hetero marriage, is this not a sign that the marriage is likely to fail? Again, it sounds like the creators of this one are quite religious.
pineapple87 1 year ago
Completely separate finances, I agree. Maintaining separate bank accounts in addition to joint ones is just sensible.
oneLmichele 7 months ago
Absolutely untrue. My husband and I have separate bank accounts and I also had a child before we got married. We just celebrated our 30 year anniversary
#49
When they start going to family and social events alone.
Debby Keir 1 year ago
Not always a red flag - sometimes people work shifts and weekends, and sometimes they can't stand their in laws.
Pheebs 1 year ago
Agreed. More of a red flag if the fam or friends never meet or see the partner (disdain for the fam/friends aside, though that becomes its own issue). I had a guy I dated that I broke up with because of this. Fam getting together for holidays was a big deal for me, as much of my family is scattered about and we put forth real effort to see each other. BF actively scoffed at all holidays, and never once agreed to meet anyone in my fam in the 6 months we dated. Only knew my friends because we all worked together. He also got mad I didn’t spend most of my free time with him. It was very clear long term our relationship was either going to lead to my being isolated from my people because he “didn’t like commercialized and religious holidays” (or family dinners), or I’d be attending everything by myself and making excuses. Plus I actively disagreed with how he was raising his child, and it was clear that would have become a huge thing.
Load More Replies... pineapple87 1 year ago
I second this from personal experience. My ex-husband had a job day often had him working on weekends, but the sheer amount of family events I went to without him, including his side of the family, certainly did nothing to help our relationship.
#50
Unfortunately my daughter’s second marriage. Well, her first as well. Neither guy was suitable for her for reasons we won’t go into but we supported her. Her dad and I between us gave her first marriage (they already had three children) a couple years. He didn’t even stick around that long. Her second husband changed after about three years, and after two more years he was gone. He refused to participate in any family activities, still liked to hang out with the boys and resented paying anything towards family expenses. So…she’s learned a lot. Hard lessons.
FoxEcoLimaIndiaCharlieIndiAlfa 1 year ago
More like, Who's the common denominator?
Load More Replies... Tommy DePaul 1 year ago
This post is literally a list of signs that a marriage is destined to fail. And you're listing unsuitability of an unspecified type. Why even be included on this list?
#52
They got in a huge fight on their wedding night. It was in private after the reception but when my buddy was telling me about it a month or two after, I knew they wouldn’t last. They divorced after about 18 months.
#53
When my MOH told me just before walking down the aisle at my wedding that it should be her ... wasn't sure if she meant with my husband or just her getting married. Whatever. She mentioned several times over the next couple of years that she had to be married before turning 30. Meets my husband's business partner and voila their wedding day was her 30th bday. By this time we weren't really speaking so former business partner wasn't allowed to either. We were, however, invited to the wedding (sat at a table with her chiropractor and kept getting hit by the kitchen door). We gave it a year.
Four months later the phone rings and it's former business partner asking to speak with my husband. As I passed the phone to my husband, I said "well that didn't take long". Sure enough, she'd kicked him out. At least she was married at 30.
#54
The entire wedding party getting so sh**faced that there are people vomiting at the reception, bridesmaids crying on the bathroom floor, total insanity. The two weddings I’ve been to like this both ended in cheating and divorce.
FoxEcoLimaIndiaCharlieIndiAlfa 1 year ago
Not to me. I personally don't like being around stupid, obnoxious drunk people ever, nevermind if I'm sober. I'm not much of a drinker but I don't mind having a few drinks with friends or whatever and everyone is a little buzzed but can't stand when it turns into sh*tfaced idiots wreaking havoc. That is not fun or enjoyable to me, at all. I always end up feeling obligated to take care of or make sure these dumbasses get home safely and stay out of trouble. I think being married to an alcoholic has added to my bitterness/tolerance of stupid drunk people.
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#55
They don't seem to know each other or even like each other.
FoxEcoLimaIndiaCharlieIndiAlfa 1 year ago (edited)
Possibly a contract marriage, which can happen for many reasons, including but not limited to gaining benefits like financial or health insurance, or to keep up with appearances if one or both partners are gay, or to gain citizenship in a particular country, ect.
Load More Replies... #56
When I meet couples who don't share anything I assume their days together are limited. This includes those who keep their income in separate accounts and don't spend for a shared future, it is my money - my decision what to spend it on kind of arrangement. The usually spills over into the rest of their lives where they don't see each other as partners with different skills.
That doesn't mean they can't have their separate lives and interests, it just means the main decisions need to be made on behalf of the family, not on individual goals.
Lenore Jean Jones 1 year ago
I remember a few years into my marriage, I realized that we didn't do anything together. We made changes to make that happen, and it made all the difference. It was a solid marriage until cancer took him, years later.
#57
I was the best man at my best friend's wedding 30+ years ago. A few weeks before the wedding, he calls and asks if he can put money his fiancé didn’t know about in an account under my name. Told me he’d give me money to pay the taxes on it. This was early 1990 and he wanted to hide about $40,000. I told him I was wasn’t comfortable doing that and he was cool with it. I knew at that point the marriage wouldn’t last. It took 28 years, but they ended up divorced. Marriage really ended about 10 years before that when they both stopped being intimate with each other, but they waited until their kids were all out of the house before calling it quits.
FoxEcoLimaIndiaCharlieIndiAlfa 1 year ago
I'm hoping the husband had either found someone else to safely hold on to the $40k or that it was spent over the years on family/expenses. $40k in 1990 would be equivalent to roughly just under $100k today, I just hope it was used wisely.
#59
When they are competitive with each other.
Michael Largey 1 year ago
Whether it's ok to be competitive depends on how you react to losing - or winning.
#60
If they go to a party together and talk to everyone except each other the whole time.
Lenore Jean Jones 1 year ago
I don't know. That used to be considered polite, since you could talk to your partner any time. I guess if you mean cold-shouldering your partner it would make sense.
Dragon mama 1 year ago
Could be harmless. If so much of a couple's time is spent together, they may want to take the opportunity to spend time with their friends instead.
#61
It was a buddy from high school ... a very good friend of mine. He went off to college and met some girl. I went to another school, so I never met her, but I heard she was great.
The first time I met her was at the rehearsal dinner.
I know weddings are stressful, so I tried not to judge....but she was so ... exhausting to be around and he seemed so....defeated. I dunno. I after we left, I told my girlfriend (who is now my wife) that I thought they would end up divorced.
Their marriage played out exactly like their wedding. She demanded things until he eventually said 'okay' and did whatever she wanted. Until one day, from what I hear, he started messing around with a coworker.
He cheated and was the bad guy, but from what I've heard I was kind of shocked he didn't leave (or cheat) years earlier. That's not to say he wasn't at fault, but yeah, they were not good for each other.
I have one other set of friends that I think some get divorced. I thought they would have already split up, but it's been like 10 years. I hope I'm wrong about them.
#62
Telltale signs?
No s*x. as in ONE of the couple pleading for more s*x, and the other thinking everything is FINE.
One publicly berating the other all the time
No common things they DO TOGETHER any more
One that travels a lot of business, and gets lonely.
#63
Many couples I’ve known buy a giant house and obsess over every detail…. And a couple of years later , get a divorce. Kind of the modern version of having a baby to save the marriage.
#64
Apparently, everyone knew my first marriage was doomed from the beginning, but didn't tell me until after the divorce. After the divorce, my dad told me he wanted to warn me but knew I wouldn't listen to him. He was 100% right, 20 year old me was stupid and stubborn.
In retrospect, I should have known better when my Nana told me she didn't really like my ex-wife. Nana was a barber her whole life and had a good read on people, if she didn't like someone, there was a good reason for it.
#65
My brother and his ex-wife. I couldn't tell when they got married - I was in undergrad still and they put on a good show. But by the time their first child arrived just over a year later, the shine had come off - she was the type who had that center of attention energy, and he ticked all of her boxes.
But ... by their baby's first birthday I specifically remember thinking that they don't communicate in a healthy way. She was acutely aware of how others were doing and measured everything through material wealth, and while he did also it was clear that he didn't like her very much.
I remember walking around a cute New England town center chatting just after his 10th anniversary asking why he was still married ... and he didn't have a good answer (I'd been married a few years by then so their core communication and caring issues were GLARING to me) - and they tried to add another child in hopes it would solve things. The child arrived but it didn't save the marriage (she recently married and somehow stayed sane through the breakup.).
#66
Almost everyone I know that’s been divorced. There’s not a natural friendship and caring noticeable.
#67
1. Haven’t dated for more than a year prior to engagement.
2. Been previously married.
3. Have children from previous relationships.
I (61m) can think of a couple that have one of the above and the relationship has lasted. I can’t think of any with 2 or more.
Carolyn Scott 1 month ago
I have all three of them BUT I was older (i.e. 40) and even though we married six months after we started dating it lasted 29 years (until he died of cancer).
Annette Duffy 1 month ago
I have two of the above, I had a child from a previous relationship (6 months old when we met and he treats her as his own) and we were together 3 months before we married (met in Oct married 31st Dec) this was 31 years ago. Most people gave us 6 months, even father in law, we're still together and still as in love as in the beginning
#68
I had the rare privilege of having my skin crawl and every red flag imaginable pop out of my skull the very first time I met a partner of a friend of mine - one of the most manipulative, self-absorbed people I've ever met in my life (and I've been involved in politics and the civil service).
Naturally, they married in a rush while he was doped up on romantic love, and it eventually collapsed as absolutely everybody predicted it would.
That's one extreme end of the spectrum, but beyond that, you really can't say. What looks like a volatile relationship from the outside might actually work because both parties are honest and choose to have the argument rather than overlooking the problem. Some people are just happy to go along with whatever the other party wants. There are things which make relationships more likely to fail, such as lack of respect or responsibility or lack of effort around child-rearing, but even the presence of those doesn't mean to say they will. I've been wrong more often than not now.
#69
Used to hang out with a couple, and the husband would frequently start a sentence with: "after my divorce..." His wife would laugh nervously. They had two small kids, she didn't work, just wanted to live the spoiled, entitled country club life. Of course he wouldn't leave, would he? Yeah. He dropped her whiny, needy a*s like a bad habit. Everyone saw it coming but her. I mean, how much more obvious could he have been?
Dragon mama 1 year ago
If they had two small children she most certainly DID work. And her "whining" may have been legitimate concerns. Of course, there's no way to know for sure, but the post is so saturated with mysogyny it makes me sick.
FoxEcoLimaIndiaCharlieIndiAlfa 1 year ago
Misogyny* but considering OP mentions that the wife preferred to live the spoiled country club life, it's quite possible that she had help/nannies to care for the 2 kids. I personally don't think the post is saturated with misogyny, but like you said there's no way to know for sure if this woman was just awful to be around or if things have been exaggerated.
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What do you think ?
Pheebs 1 year ago
I’d guess quite a few of the “experienced older adults” making comments are actually 40s-50s in age, which are not boomers. I get the feeling many of these were gen x and older millenials.
Load More Replies... sdorph 1 year ago
One thing I've noticed is when long term de-facto couples suddenly decide to get married it often ends in divorce, too many times the relationship is already in trouble and they think getting married will fix it.
Jeolas1 1 year ago
Completely different observations where I live / among my acqaintances. My parents (and they're just one example) decided to get married after being together over 20 years - for financial reasons (if one of them died, the legal side of inheritance would be much simpler, and a few more things like that). Still married 20 years later. There are several other examples among the people closest to me, although my parents are the most "extreme".
Load More Replies... T'Mar of Vulcan 1 year ago
I've noticed that with "celebrity" couples... if they meet, have a whirlwind courtship, get married quickly and have a child almost right away... within a few years it'll be over. I was hoping Joshua Jackson and Jodie Turner-Smith were going to buck the trend. Dammit.
Susie Elle 1 year ago
When they feel the need to supply each social media post with a long rant of how dedicated they are to their spouse and how lucky, blessed etc they are for having them. The more philosophical it gets, the less I believe you actually like eachother.
Lisa Decker 1 year ago
Dr Hope love spell, you just fixed my relationship. We have been fighting every day and you’ve just fixed it and I cannot thank you enough. Thank you Dr Hope for saving my broken relationship and my boyfriend is back to me. If you have any problem in marriage/relationship. contact him and i guarantee you that he will help you. Here’s his contact: Email him at: marriagehelper91@gmail.com /WhatsApp him: +2349137446738 Thank you Dr you're the most wonderful spiritual Dr I have ever seen.
Pheebs 1 year ago
I’d guess quite a few of the “experienced older adults” making comments are actually 40s-50s in age, which are not boomers. I get the feeling many of these were gen x and older millenials.
Load More Replies... sdorph 1 year ago
One thing I've noticed is when long term de-facto couples suddenly decide to get married it often ends in divorce, too many times the relationship is already in trouble and they think getting married will fix it.
Jeolas1 1 year ago
Completely different observations where I live / among my acqaintances. My parents (and they're just one example) decided to get married after being together over 20 years - for financial reasons (if one of them died, the legal side of inheritance would be much simpler, and a few more things like that). Still married 20 years later. There are several other examples among the people closest to me, although my parents are the most "extreme".
Load More Replies... T'Mar of Vulcan 1 year ago
I've noticed that with "celebrity" couples... if they meet, have a whirlwind courtship, get married quickly and have a child almost right away... within a few years it'll be over. I was hoping Joshua Jackson and Jodie Turner-Smith were going to buck the trend. Dammit.
Susie Elle 1 year ago
When they feel the need to supply each social media post with a long rant of how dedicated they are to their spouse and how lucky, blessed etc they are for having them. The more philosophical it gets, the less I believe you actually like eachother.
Lisa Decker 1 year ago
Dr Hope love spell, you just fixed my relationship. We have been fighting every day and you’ve just fixed it and I cannot thank you enough. Thank you Dr Hope for saving my broken relationship and my boyfriend is back to me. If you have any problem in marriage/relationship. contact him and i guarantee you that he will help you. Here’s his contact: Email him at: marriagehelper91@gmail.com /WhatsApp him: +2349137446738 Thank you Dr you're the most wonderful spiritual Dr I have ever seen.
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