It's naive to think we can know everything about other people. Behind closed doors, all of us carry secrets—big and small—that we keep even from family, friends, and spouses. Sometimes it’s out of shame, sometimes fear, but the possibility of being misunderstood can be reason enough to stay silent.
This time, let’s focus on parents. Recently, we were digging through the internet and discovered a few threads where children of all ages confessed what they’re hiding from their moms and dads. Here are a few that stuck with us.
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My congenital heart failure.
She's one of those people who makes other people's suffering about her, especially after I got a diagnosis for a hereditary health condition (that contributed heavily to the heart failure), because I likely inherited it from her. Every time I've mentioned offhand some complication of my health condition, she's usurped it and been like, "oh, I might have that too" and suddenly the convo is all about her. She does not have heart failure. If I tell her my aorta is slowly collapsing on itself, suddenly I'll have to listen to every little thing that has ever been weird about *her* heart.
My partner knows, my brother knows, I get regular echos, and my doctor and I have discussed treatments and palliative care plans. I'm not telling my mom about this until I'm on my death bed. I just want to be able to grieve my own health for once.
I have ADHD and ASD, and that’s why I was a ‘daydreamer’ and ‘oversensitive’ and ‘never lived up to your potential’. Turns out a massive IQ doesn’t compensate for developmental disorders.
For reasons completely unknown to me my mom sort of wrote me off as a teenager. Years later she died thinking I was some sort of construction worker. In reality, I had earned a college degree on my own and was the Director of Operations for an Engineering company.
She never bothered to ask so I never bothered to tell her.
How disappointed I am in them. They are both Trump supporters even after raising me to be an independent woman. Even after I adopted my black daughter. Even after I gave birth to my biracial daughter using IVF.
The amount of sadness, anger and disappointment I feel for them is sometimes overwhelming.
😥 [hugs, if you want them] It hurts to see someone you love become brainwashed.
The amount of stress they put me through as a kid.
ElizibethBathory:
This right here. The first comment I had read and I can completely assimilate with that. I love how they all of a sudden develop “amnesia” when I bring some things up. “I don’t remember that…” so after that a few times I’ve just given up and worked on myself. You’re not alone. I feel you.
My mum wasn't a b u s i v e but she does have this habit of saying "that didn't happen" and "I think you're making that up!" about harmless stuff I bring up from the past. But that's because I've got a better memory than her, so I just laugh and roll my eyes because suuuure it didn't, Mum.
My parents bought me a book of World History filled with beautiful illustrations as a kid that I really loved.
I would read it constantly.
I never told them that a huge driving factor of that was that it had A LOT of nudity in it. Like t**s on every other page until they hit the renaissance.
Then again I did develop a life long love of reading and history, so mission accomplished?
Don't feel bad. Back when I was a kid that was the basis for 90% of the National Geographic's sales.
It can work that way if you love art and learn a lot about it, too.
The atlas in my p5 classroom had a picture of a naked woman with a naked man sitting in a sauna
I'm getting a vasectomy on Friday and they will never have grandchildren from me.
They think they pressured me into dropping a lawsuit against their “best friend”. They’re wrong. It’s still ongoing and I have zero regrets.
I (26f) moved to the UK to study. They don't know a boy (24m) moved to the UK with me. They don't know there's a boy. And we've been living together for 2 years now. And sharing bills and everything. Like we might as well be married.
Now they are trying to get me to talk to some boys they think would make a good fit for me - typical Indian arranged marriage s**t.
Gotta slide this boy in a planned conversation.
As an Indian, I want to say sometimes we underestimate our parents. They might be (wrongly) projexting an image where they want same caste/age/class package but in real their love for you might be bigger tthan all of that. Happened with me, lied for five years abt my boyfriend, turned out they were happy for me.
I’m a secret Christian no longer Muslim.
I am gay. I won't tell them because it might as well undo all the hard work I've done academically, professionally and physically. They won't see my accomplishments, but the fact I like other men.
I'd rather stay in the closet than have a black cloud over every dinner and gathering. .
flyboy_za:
I feel you on this, my dude, as someone who was you for a long time.
Only difficulty is the long-term sustainability. The world is small. Someone you know who knows someone they know will see you somewhere and/or with someone, and you'll get a call one day Asking Difficult Questions.
You should probably have an honest talk with yourself about what your plan is for that day.
In my case, my family knew but nobody at work did. A colleague had a milestone birthday where I got to meet her niece who she always talks about. I had just started seeing a guy, and the day after that birthday party her niece ended up at another random birthday brunch which my dude happened to be at. They got to chatting and got along well, he added her on FB, she saw a pic of me and him, recognised me and asked who I was, and then mentioned it to her aunt a couple of days later, who cornered me at work. Not bad cornered, per se, just kinda "so my niece met your BF, I thought we were close enough that you'd feel comfortable to tell me you were gay, because you should know you don't have to hide it around me."
It's a very small world.
Oh I work with you I deserve to know your history, religion, your private life and how many cats you own (if no cats the convo ends there for me) no I have to work with you and you don't get to know anything unless I share willingly
That I'm in therapy because of my upbringing. I genuinely went because I thought there was something wrong with me, turns out I was badly emotionally and physically a***ed my whole childhood.
This is so sad, but I’m glad OP is in therapy. Also hits too close to home, because while my family know I’m in therapy, they don’t know the real reasons behind it. It would k**l my parents to know that I was sexually abused for years as a kid/early teen, but could never say anything. Therapy has been the best thing I ever did for myself.
Left the active Army in 2005. Couple of weeks later, got a call from a recruiter who wanted to send me to Baghdad on a contract for a few months. Told Mom (in Phoenix) that I'd be working in Tennessee (that's where the company HQ was). Got a box at a Mailboxes Etc. and told her it was my apartment number. Ended up staying in Baghdad for two years. Told her the company sent me on work trips to Europe every few months (actually just mandatory vacations to avoid burnout; stayed out of the US for tax purposes).
Came back to the US to work at the company HQ in Tennessee, "moved apartments". Joined the Reserves because, hey, why not, make a few bucks on the weekend. First drill: "We're deploying to Iraq in six months."
Called one of the Ugandans I worked with in Baghdad. "Hey, remember how my mom didn't know I was in Baghdad? Okay, send me pics of Uganda every week for the next year or so."
Called Mom. "Hey, the company's sending me to Uganda for a year. No, it's perfectly safe, I'll be working in Kampala, on a very secure compound. I'll make sure to send you pictures when I travel."
15 years later, she still doesn't know that I ever went to Iraq. I accidentally mentioned Amman once, years later, but played it off as being one of those work trips.
Why, though? Was he worried she'd be worried if she knew he'd gone to Iraq?
That I absolutely despise their political views.
They think i wrote fanfiction as a teenager then stopped. nope. i still write it as an adult, including...ahem...adult subject matter.
Look. I'm a 29-years-old man who's currently working on a Digimon fan story, currently at ~220,000 words 😁 I write original stuff, too, but writing a Digimon story was on my bucket list since my age was in single digits.
Pretty much my entire personal life.
Tundrakitty:
This for me too. My dad was very conservative and old-fashioned and I severely edited and omitted things in my life so that I could have a strained and unnatural relationship with him. I smiled and nodded a lot, the heathen that I am.
He missed out on learning about who is kids were and what they did. He didn’t have the capacity to accept much outside his limited worldview.
Conservative, strict parents often inadvertently teach their kids that they can’t tell them the truth about anything.
I have a cat. 🐈.
OP: "To be honest, I live with my husband but they're a couple of streets down from mine. Believe me, even though I'm 30, they still try to boss me around. They often tell me pets will keep you poor. Like, I already have a house! I don't think I'm going to be poor anytime soon."
My husband and I are poly. Happily married for over a decade, I just know it would bother my mom to the point where she would bring it up all the time. She would assume, quite wrongly, that this is something my husband pushed for and that I'm a victim, And she would not listen to anything. I had to say that countered her narrative.
Jesus she's exhausting.
No reason to ever tell her, is there? Simple case of none of her business.
My parents broke up when I was a teenager and got back together a few years ago. I never got a chance to tell my mom that my dad was a little touchy with me in very inappropriate ways when I was a kid and I have no idea how to break it to her, or if its even necessary for me to bring it up since it's been so long.
I actually have been thinking about this a lot lately and it makes my head spin lol.
She definetly should be told the truth about him as long as they're ready to face it and deal with the consequences, whatever they may be. It could backfire and become a case of your word against there's and without proof it's impossible to prove anything. Parent's should believe their kids when they tell them things like this happened but it's shockingly common for them to deny it and accuse the victim of lying.
That I plan on ending my life once my money runs out. No intention of living when old and broke - I am not afraid of dying either. Going to enjoy the time I have left then leave this mortal coil with relief.
Same, but it's a race between money and health. Watching dementia (and cancer, and blindness) take someone important to me gave me a healthy appetite to avoid the same experience
How badly she makes me feel about myself.
I told my mom. Apparently it wasn't her fault, it was mine. I don't talk to her anymore because it's not safe.
They still think I graduated from university. I actually dropped out in my final year and have been living a double life ever since, pretending I have a degree and a normal job.
Fuzzy_Character9561:
I've seen a few true crime stories start this way.... please don't k**l your family when they get close to the truth.
I've seen a shocking number of true crime stories that start this way too.
That it was definitely me who scratched the car in 1998.
Nice that they can be fooled. ..the anxiety of my dad checking his 89 Camrey for scratches every day...in 1996...
My parents beat the living hell out of me. They were lied to and manipulated into believing I was the problem, but little voiceless me had no say.
But still, although my memories, my body is scarred and both my parents have passed...
What I'm hiding, is, that despite it all... I still love them.
It's okay to still love them. We are wired to love our parents. You didn't deserve what they did to you and they don't deserve your love, but there's nothing wrong with loving then still.
I blame them for my views on relationships and marriages. They’ve been married for 40+ years but they should divorced 30 years ago.
Most of the couples around me when I was growing up were like this, incredibly toxic and awful. My family always acted like I'm weird for being 'too picky' when it comes to partners, telling me i should just settle. I've always been the type of person who'd rather be single than try to force a miserable relationship to work.
They are very old-fashioned and extremely prudish...
They don't know that every time I go on vacation, I wear a thong or g-string on the beach, at the resort pool, or on a boat... and many times I've been topless as well. And several times, I've spent the entire day n**e at a n**e beach or n**e resort.
A part of me feels like the wrong parent died.
That my wife and I are swingers and every time we ask them to babysit it’s because we have a s*x party or kink event to attend that evening. They always ask what we are up to and I have endless excuses.
You don't have to tell them, that's your happy place and yours only, you're doing nothing wrong and you don't have to tell anything you don't want to.
I have my motorcycle license and a motorcycle. I’ve had it for about two months now.
I’m 24. My mother hates motorcycles, with a passion. I know that telling her will mean she will 24/7 assume that I a) am on the bike and b) am going to crash and die on the bike.
It seems cruel to dump that stress on her. I don’t live at home and I can’t come up with a single good benefit to her knowing about its existence, so… it’s a secret.
It's private. It is absolutely ok to use discretion in what we choose to tell our parents, especially regarding decisions that aren't theirs to make. Honestly, there are some things I'd prefer my daughter not tell me, now that she's an adult. She now has the right not to tell me stuff. We have a relationship where I'll know what's really important.
As soon as I can financially leave the state. They will never see or hear from me again.
I failed english 9th grade on purpose because I wanted to know what summer school was like. I was curious.
My family lived together, but I often felt like my dad was pretty apathetic on the day to day of being a dad. He had spurts of being engaged, mostly when we were on a family vacation or when I needed reprimand, but mostly just phoned it in otherwise.
When he got remarried years later after my mom died, it hurt so much to see that he was more engaged with his step children. I get it … in many ways he probably felt blessed that he had an opportunity for a “do over” and he could be a better parent the second (and funny enough THIRD) time around. But d**n… that really hurt that my sister and I were like “the practice kids.”
We have a great family relationship now. My current step mother is amazing and I love her so much for how hard she worked to bring this blended family together. She really is the glue that brings us together and I love her for that. I just wish my dad would take a step back and apologize for being really s****y for a long time. But that secret will be taken to my grave.
It could also be that this is a deeply felt regret, haunting him every day, he doesn't see a way out of. It could be ... doesn't need to be so. But if possible, and you see a way to make it easier on him, it may be worth a try. After, it may not be important who's guilty, but who's reasonable and makes the unwinding of this possible.
How unloved and small they make me feel. They are the source of my self esteem issues and their voices became the voices in the back of my mind.
I don't believe their religion any more.
And a bunch of other things, most everything about me, but that would be the biggest problem (kind of nuclear level) if they knew.
Appa_yipp-yipp:
I told mine about 2 years ago that I don’t believe in anything anymore. My mom freaked out, my dad didn’t really care, but they’ve never brought it up outright since. My mom just makes little quips here and there about Christianity and how it has to be God and blah blah blah idk if she just pretends I never said anything or if she’s subtly trying to convince me to reconvert.
One thing I’m thankful for though is that they’ve never asked me to come back to church. And honestly my relationship with them now is probably stronger than it’s ever been. Idk if they’ll ever bring it up. I think they’re going on faith that the Holy Spirit will return me to Christ like a prodigal child.
There are atleast 2000 religions? How do you know you were indoctrinated into the right one?
My parents are fundamentalist Christians who lean far right.
They will never know I'm a leftist atheist. It's just not worth the strife. My wife and I just fake it once a year when we see them.
The fact we all think my mom's a narcissist.
Once when i was bored i got a hole punch and made small round holes in one of the house plants leaves. My parents were baffled.
Thanks for leaving me with limited coping skills. I have been programmed to just work. Thanks to them I don't know how to make friends or relax. I am constantly feeling guilty for being sick and unable to do anything. But I get up every day and still work.
That I have a lot of adult toys in my closet.
I blew a six-figure inheritance from my Grandma on living the good life and some bad investments.
That I’m trans.
They don't know about the time I got arrested.
I may or may not be in a lesbian relationship with my "best friend" but idk cuz its not oficiall or anything.
I lowkey want to be a girl but I won t ever come out.
That's extremely relatable to me. Like... I'm okay with being a guy, I'm not actively looking for transitioning, but if some entity offered me to turn me into a girl with a snap of fingers, I wouldn't say no. I try not to delve too deep into that.
When i was 15, i got shot by a 22. Bullet didn't go in, but it did ricochet into my eye. Made a blood oath with my friends to say i got hit with a branch that got flipped into my eye. Totally plausible. They died, not knowing the truth. 37 years before both were dead.
That my wife is pregnant. They want a grandkid bad, but we're waiting until 14 weeks to start letting people know. We have a trip coming up with both my folks and her folks, so we'll spring the news then. I cannot wait.
Pumkin_Girl:
Did the same - told our folks at just after 12 weeks. I got a lot of playful telling offs from my mum as I'd had really bad morning sickness (from weeks 6 to 16, thankfully I'm at 25 now and out the other side!) and lied through my teeth that it had been a very bad virus :)
It really is such a wonderful feeling telling them, and so exciting the waiting period!
Good luck and enjoy it! :)
What do these people think "secrets parents will NEVER find out" means?
My wedding was really just a big party for family and friends (because we secretly got married at a courthouse weeks beforehand). The only person who knows is my best friend, who officiated the (symbolic) ceremony. .
That I (probably) got someone pregnant when I was 14. Either she had an abortion, was lying, was mistaken, or had a miscarriage. Whichever it was, no baby ever came about.
I smoke weed and I just lost a job opportunity I really needed because of it.
I am a sexual being which even as an adult I wouldn’t want my parents to know as a trait of mine. In my culture, it’s a taboo to discuss s*x openly in a family setting.
That the accident that started a fire and made a mess of their lawn ten years ago was caused by one of their granddaughters, not me.
(One of my teenage daughters accidentally started a fire that left a big ‘ole scorched spot in my parent’s front yard. My dad’s basically a lawn guru who keeps his yard looking like something out of a magazine. Daughter was afraid Granddad would be angry, so when it came time to confess, I cut her off and told them it was my fault. Didn’t really need to. My parent’s would have been stayed angry with her for about five minutes. It did take my father about a month to stop giving me grief, lol).
I had great parents. Didn’t really need to keep many secrets when we were growing up. Have zero need now.
I was spanked by Sister Margaret Sienna on the third day of Kindergarten. They always said that if you got spanked at school, you'd get spanked again when you got home. That was approximately fifty years ago, still no second spanking!
I have my own netflix account just so I can watch kdramas without them knowing.
The reason I rented that whole basement for just myself when I was in college was that the girl who lived upstairs (and whose parents owned the house) was a nymphomaniac.
That I was addicted to c*****e for a year and a half and adderal for another 3 years during my 20s.
they think I’m skinny because fast metabolism.
needless to say, I’m approaching my 30s much differently (“metabolism will slow down”).
Every conversation I have with my parents goes like this:
“How are you?”
“Good. How are you?”
“Good. Working going good?”
“Yeah…it’s going well…what are you doing?”
“Eating/ going for a walk”
“Well good!”
“Ok, have a good day. Talk to you tomorrow. Love you”
“Love you. Talk to you tomorrow.”.
My dad doesn't have great communication skills (possibly autistic, definitely social anxiety) so finds it hard to know what to talk about. Apart from the above, it's mainly footy. Yesterday we visited my brother, who has a 4 week old though, so there was a little more to talk about :)
My ex reached out to me and we’re talking again here-and-there.
I lost my v card.
The day I turned 16 I started having s*x with our neighbor. She had no kids, was single, and 30. I moved out at 18, she got married to some loser 6 months later. Best 2 years of my life lol.
For me it was everything. Anything I told them could be used against me, they'd attack any vulnerability, and diminish anything I was proud of, so I never told them anything.
I am so sorry for you. The mental abuse is real, but not recognizable.
Load More Replies...That i was SA by my uncle (my mother's brother) when I was a kid. My mum and I had a toxic relationship and I was scared that she would throw me out onto the streets if I told her. No doubt she'd have taken his side and blamed me anyway. My dad probably would have listened and been on my side but I was too ashamed to tell him.
Honestly I keep a ton of secrets from my parents to protect myself. Mostly because of the mental abuse they have put me through and the fact my sister unalived herself because of the very same abuse. Thanks to them I am struggling with addictions for years to get rid of the pain and feel something else temporarly. Thanks to them I don't want to have kids, to prevent me from becoming just like them. I can't wait till the day I am able to move out, cut all contact with my biological family and be free.
I'm so very sorry, Fabulous. :( I relate to much of what you shared, and hope you can safely get away sooner than later.
Load More Replies...Hugs, Angela Corvaia, many, many hugs to you!
Load More Replies...I'll never tell my mum that her Alzheimer's, bipolar disorder and spinal injury is such a huge burden for me. I'm her carer. I can't go away on holiday without organising help. I can't go out for drinks with friends because I have to get back by 8pm to give mum her meds. When her spinal pain is too bad, I have to take her to the toilet, make her food, drinks etc. I already do most of her housework as she can't. She's still lucid and aware and is semi independant in that she lives alone, but I live next door. I have no life. I do all this because I love her and I don't want her to have to rely on strangers who don't know her, who don't know how she likes her cups of tea, how she likes to have her meals at set times etc. When her aphasia gets bad, I'm the one who knows what she's trying to say (for the most part). I have to manage her mood swings. Take her to doctors appointments. Rush home from work as she's called me because she doesn't feel well. It is such a heavy burden
But I'll never tell her because I know it will crush her.
Load More Replies...My parents knew very, very little about my life when i was living with them, and everything they did know they didn't like. Since moving out I've been either LC or NC with them the whole time. Ain't worth it.
Love in the vote it not got a option for, it's none of these dam business
My parents are long gone, but when they were alive it occurred to me I didn't like either one of them and if I wasn't related to them, I wouldn't have had anything to do with them. I suspect a lot of people feel that way.
My parents will never know that I've likely jeopardised my career and maybe even ruined what's left of my future in the last three days.
For me it was everything. Anything I told them could be used against me, they'd attack any vulnerability, and diminish anything I was proud of, so I never told them anything.
I am so sorry for you. The mental abuse is real, but not recognizable.
Load More Replies...That i was SA by my uncle (my mother's brother) when I was a kid. My mum and I had a toxic relationship and I was scared that she would throw me out onto the streets if I told her. No doubt she'd have taken his side and blamed me anyway. My dad probably would have listened and been on my side but I was too ashamed to tell him.
Honestly I keep a ton of secrets from my parents to protect myself. Mostly because of the mental abuse they have put me through and the fact my sister unalived herself because of the very same abuse. Thanks to them I am struggling with addictions for years to get rid of the pain and feel something else temporarly. Thanks to them I don't want to have kids, to prevent me from becoming just like them. I can't wait till the day I am able to move out, cut all contact with my biological family and be free.
I'm so very sorry, Fabulous. :( I relate to much of what you shared, and hope you can safely get away sooner than later.
Load More Replies...Hugs, Angela Corvaia, many, many hugs to you!
Load More Replies...I'll never tell my mum that her Alzheimer's, bipolar disorder and spinal injury is such a huge burden for me. I'm her carer. I can't go away on holiday without organising help. I can't go out for drinks with friends because I have to get back by 8pm to give mum her meds. When her spinal pain is too bad, I have to take her to the toilet, make her food, drinks etc. I already do most of her housework as she can't. She's still lucid and aware and is semi independant in that she lives alone, but I live next door. I have no life. I do all this because I love her and I don't want her to have to rely on strangers who don't know her, who don't know how she likes her cups of tea, how she likes to have her meals at set times etc. When her aphasia gets bad, I'm the one who knows what she's trying to say (for the most part). I have to manage her mood swings. Take her to doctors appointments. Rush home from work as she's called me because she doesn't feel well. It is such a heavy burden
But I'll never tell her because I know it will crush her.
Load More Replies...My parents knew very, very little about my life when i was living with them, and everything they did know they didn't like. Since moving out I've been either LC or NC with them the whole time. Ain't worth it.
Love in the vote it not got a option for, it's none of these dam business
My parents are long gone, but when they were alive it occurred to me I didn't like either one of them and if I wasn't related to them, I wouldn't have had anything to do with them. I suspect a lot of people feel that way.
My parents will never know that I've likely jeopardised my career and maybe even ruined what's left of my future in the last three days.
