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Yeah, surely the quotes you’ll find below aren’t sarcastic. Not the slightest bit. They’re just as light and cheery as daffodil fluff floating in the azure summer sky, with no dual meanings, no sly remarks, and no storm clouds here.
Nuh-uh, no way. They aren’t even that funny; who cares for sarcastic quotes, anyway? Only sweet old ladies, probably. However, if you’d still like to try these no-good, dark quotes, we’ve gathered an insignificant amount of 40 sarcastic sayings for your judgment.
In all seriousness, though, sarcastic quotes are the best—they are slightly stingy and inherently clever, they can be used on almost any occasion, and if your opponent is worthy, they’ll even grant a belly-full of laughs. Some of these funny, ironic quotes originated in famous people’s heads, like Oscar Wilde and Aldous Huxley; others are of mysteriously undocumented origins.
With those ironic quotes about life, you can always claim them as your own! That is if you think the receiver will understand them fully; otherwise, all you will get is a tumbleweed slowly rolling between you two, and the resulting awkward silence will fall on your conscience.
So, cynics, rejoice! This article is dedicated to you, to the dark jokes we love dearly, and to the most useful ironic quotes to memorize! Reach all this book-worthy material in just a few scrolls directed downward, and don’t forget to vote for clever, sarcastic quotes. Also, share this wisdom with your friends by dropping them a link to this article containing the smartest quotes ever!
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
"God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time." – Robin Williams
IeabellAlakar@aqueenofaplanet 4 years ago
This explains why there's so many creeps and unmentionables around.
allan dorfling 3 years ago
Teacher to parent: mam, I cannot give your child something that God did not
Ali H M Salehuddin 3 years ago
So gals, that's why we dont do those intimate talks during sex. Our brain is starved of blood.
Grant Barke 3 years ago
I don't think Mrs Palmer and her five daughters can hear you anyway.
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#2
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." – Oscar Wilde
Marcellus II 3 years ago
Well, no. Not by Wilde. EDIT: https://quoteinvestigator.com/2019/08/09/go/
Hugo Raible 3 years ago
"Everybody brings joy to this office. Some when they come. Some when they leave."
#3
"If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ."
KombatBunni 3 years ago
I think that’s a trip to the ER, and even then there may be no hope. Ouch
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Kishibe Angelo 3 years ago
i should tell this to my freinds brother.that man has a ego big enough to fill a canyon
BlackPearltheSeaWing/NightWing 3 years ago
I need to remember this. I have to write that down.
#4
"I can explain it to you but I can’t understand it for you."
Mitchell 3 years ago
Good grief yes. I’ve made comments and people have responded with the most unusual interpretations
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marianne eliza 3 years ago
Sadly, I can't use this on my 90 year old dementia afflicted dad. Yesterday he was having trouble believing we actually had the right football game on, simply because the newspaper said it was the Bengals v. the Chiefs, and the broadcast scoreboard called the teams CIN and KC.
Don't Look 3 years ago
I am at the point of using this on a daily basis. But in no way do i use it sarcastically.
Natalie Bohrteller 3 years ago
Pretty common quote to recite on a daily basis for every teacher. ;)
#5
"I always say 'Morning' Instead of 'good morning' Because if it was a good morning, I would still be in bed and not talking to people."
Catherine Spencer-Mills 3 years ago
While at work, I would respond to "How are you?" With, "do you want the truth or a polite lie?" Surprisingly, I got both responses.
#6
"Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist." – Michael Levine
Diphylleia Grayi 3 years ago
Some of us are lucky, unfortunately it seems the exception not the rule
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Stephanie Goadsby 3 years ago
Unfortunately there are those who are simply donors and have no business being incorrectly referred to as parents no matter the grammar. One needs to parent as a verb in order to earn the title as a noun. Hopefully for the childrens sake, the title includes an adjective such as loving.
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Jo Johannsen 4 years ago
My mother should not have been a parent. I chose not to follow in her footsteps.
Bexxxxx 3 years ago (edited)
My mother should not have been a parent either. I refuse to follow in her footsteps too. Wish more people would take note of this. If your kids think this about you, it’s not a good sign. Don’t have kids if you’re not ready to give up your entire life and financials for them for at least 18 years, sorry.
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Brendan Roberts 3 years ago
My sister should not have had kids. All three are in foster care...in three different foster homes. It's tragic.
Legen ( wait for it ) dary 3 years ago
That's really sad for the kids. Hope they can be reunited one day in a loving home.
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Analyn Lahr 3 years ago
For some wealthy people, having a piano is a status symbol. My successful aunt had one and I don't think anyone in that house played. In fact, pretty sure no one was allowed to touch it.
#7
"An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true." – Robert Oppenheimer
Libstak 4 years ago
I kinda like this world. But then again I compare it to life for humans before technology and plumbing especially so I think we have got it pretty damn good.
Tams21 3 years ago
In that sense you're right. Even people with a lower income live better than the richest people 200 years ago, at least in developed countries. The trouble comes when you look at the world for all the other living things on it.
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Tina B 4 years ago
Total BS. An optimistic believes the world can be better. A pessimistic thinks it cannot.
Henry Russell 4 years ago
if this is the best possible world i feel sad for the rest of the worlds
Robert Thompson 3 years ago
Jesus came here (instead of any other planet) because of the 99 sheep, we were the lost ones that needed saving. Everyone else in the universe was better than us.
#8
"If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito."
13 3 years ago
Start flailing your arms so wildly you end up smacking yourself in the face 😂
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#9
"Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity."
Evil Hornet 3 years ago
Sarcasm is the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it - love this one
#10
"Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege."
Caro Caro 3 years ago
I'm going to use this one ... A neat little parcel of insult, sarcasm and truth :D
Gabby M 3 years ago
Ive used this .... mostly with my family ... face palm sigh
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Lukyan Terdal 3 years ago
Stupidity is a right? But a science woman in my video game said it isn't!
Mary Rose Kent 3 years ago
I disagree...it’s exceptionally fierce sarcasm!
Load More Replies... #11
"I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew."
Eithne Griffiths 3 years ago
I would like to have a battle of wits with you however you are totally unarmed.
BlackPearltheSeaWing/NightWing 3 years ago
This made me burst into laugher in the middle of class
#12
"Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!" – Billy Connolly
Mary Rose Kent 3 years ago
Even though I’m an American, I know that to be absolutely true!
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Allen Beloe 3 years ago
Not by Billy Connolly but accredited to him, he says so in his autobiography "Windswept & Interesting"
Elaine Everett-Klimas 3 years ago
Yeah, wasn't it Groucho Marx... maybe??
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Got Myself 4 Dwarves 3 years ago
The big yin always reminds me of my dad, he was such a huge fan and introduced me and my siblings to him, practically grew up listening to him. My dad passed away 5yrs ago this April, at his funeral instead of music we had billy connolly in the background giving his rendition of the crucifixion. I still adore billy, I even have a caricature of him in my living room, but there's always that hint of sadness - I miss my dad.
#13
"You know what I like about people? Their dogs."
Vicky Z 3 years ago
Reminds me of the kid that asked: dad can i pet that dog? You have to ask his owner! But i don't want to talk to people! I only like dogs
#14
"A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well-known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized." – Fred Allen
Kookamunga 4 years ago
Why would anyone want to be famous? I'll take rich for sure. But to have no privacy and everyone looking at you and in your business? No wonder many very famous people eventually go nuts, or just lose touch with reality.
Vicky Z 3 years ago
You would be surprised how many people actually want that! It's the same like wanting followers and likes! It's the recognition and approval that they seek most probably
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Steffen Rehm 4 years ago
Yea, sometimes you like to be alone for a while. I will not blame these celebrity's for that, we do not own them.
Ryan Deschanel 3 years ago
Because being annoyed, stalked or harassed by people permanently is a thing you are allowed to avoid.
Marco Hub-Dub 3 years ago
🎶 Fame, fame, fatal fame. It can play hideous tricks on the brain. But still I'd rather be famous than righteous or holy, any day, any day, any day 🎶
Katie Lutesinger 3 years ago
Fame is like a drug. Once you're hooked on it you need a regular dose or you start to get angry and miserable and your self-esteem goes down the tubes. It really is just terrible for your mental health, because you start relying on all the attention and praise in order to feel good about yourself, and if that's taken away you get depressed and start feeling worthless, sour, and envious. Never, EVER fall into the trap of emotionally depending on the approval of a bunch of strangers who don't actually care about you beyond your public profile. It never ends well, and you may well end up realising that most of your "friends" were never anything of the sort. And the moment you're not famous any more - bam. They're gone and you're all alone, and that's when you realise it was all a worthless illusion.
T. D. Bostick 3 years ago
I think they work hard to become rich and tolerate being well-known.
Essex Eagle 4 years ago
I have issue with the works hard bit..... They want to be known then get the a**e because people recognize them, then moan they have no privacy, no friends and then its everyone else's fault...
FromageFeet 4 years ago
Although hard work should be a prerequisite it’s not always delivered in some cases….
#15
"An apple a day keeps anything away if you throw it hard enough."
IeabellAlakar@aqueenofaplanet 4 years ago
Even a missile? I kinda want to ask Randall Munroe how hard you would have to throw an apple to stop a missile. Probably would result in the destruction of the world.
Mike Beck 4 years ago
That would either be very boring or very fascinating.
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Vanja Vidovic 3 years ago
An apple a day keeps anything away if you throw it hard enough and aim well!
Izzy Curer 3 years ago (edited)
I never understood the apples=healthy thing. They're basically just sugar. Better than a cookie, I guess, but certainly not a superfood. I wonder if some clever marketing scheme was behind this idea, and now it's become forever immortalized in the zeitgeist.
#16
"Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak." – Steven Wright
Buren 3 years ago
Similar to my favourite Mark Twain: Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt. I believe Lincoln said something similar.
F. H. 3 years ago
Anicius Manlius Severinus Boethius (5th-6th century CE) was probably first. "If you had stayed quiet, you would still be a pilosophener"
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#17
"Sarcasm, because beating the crap out of people is illegal."
KombatBunni 3 years ago
I can make both! I need to start printing these..
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NinjaWolfy94 3 years ago
I've heard one like this that I prefer more: I'm sarcastic because punching people is frowned upon.
Luis Hernandez Dauajare 3 years ago
"God, give me courage to deal with people who annoy me, because if you give me strength, I might beat them to death..."
#18
"Politics: ‘Poli’ a Latin word meaning ‘many’; and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’." – Robin Williams
tempo ratus 3 years ago
hmm poly , which means " many" comes from greek! Poli is a latin root word for polite, polished , even politics
Office Guy 3 years ago (edited)
Politics = many bloodsucking creatures that bore the hell out of you using global economy and other crap.
BAWK BAWK BAKAW 3 years ago
greek? more like geek. im sorry. im also a nerd and i like linguistics. i just couldnt help it.
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#19
"Don’t mistake this fake smile and professional body language. I’d punch you in the throat if I knew I wouldn’t lose my job."
Glen MacLeod 3 years ago
A co-worker and I concluded that if you can't hit a colleague, what's the point of arguing?
#20
"My girlfriend is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters... But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly "we need to talk".
Tracy Wallick 3 years ago
Yeah we need to talk, about washing it correctly and not stretching the seams
Ham Explosion 3 years ago
Feminists: fighting for their rights Me: but that doesnt make it good because its not equal its just turning
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#22
"A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him." – Sir Winston Churchill
Mistralok 3 years ago
That filthy sociopath was the Brit version of hitler. Bengal Famine 1943-45 Churchill was prime minister of Britain between 1940-45 and handled Bengal famine with a racist mind. Around 6-7 million indians died in that famine. For his part Churchill proved callously indifferent.....He was resolutely opposed to food shipments to Bengal and diverted food to Italy for allied forces..... Churchill felt it would do no good -famine or no famine, since indians "breed like rabbits" Some of the quotes of churchill: " I hate Indians. They are a beastly people with a beastly religion." Plague was merrily "culling" the population. "Indians breed like rabbits." " I do not admit ....that a great wrong had been done to Red Indians of America,or black people of Australia.... by the fact that a stronger race,a higher grade race ....has come in and taken its place." " I do not understand the squeamishness about the use of gas.I am strongly in favour of using poisonous gas against uncivilized tribes"
Hugh Cookson 3 years ago
He was, but escaped back to the UK. Sadly he was also one of the proponents of a concentration camp type system for the Boers - men, women and children - that caused hundreds, possibly thousands of deaths through starvation and neglect.
Load More Replies... Tams21 3 years ago
Also usually a young man that told from very early that to serve ones country is the biggest honour. While the children of the people who fed those lines sit at home with bone spurs. Or something.
K Witmer 3 years ago
Is this why trump insulted McCain and dead soldiers bc he thinks he's Churchill
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#23
"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones." – Albert Einstein
David Woollands 3 years ago
Just think how many stones you could throw with all of those extra arms
Joe Reaves 3 years ago
The sad bit is the (probably correct) assumption that wiping out most of civilization wouldn't stop us wanting to fight.
RoseAnne Hutchence 3 years ago
Because, presumably, WW 3 will be nuclear, and the fallout / result will tae us back to the stone age. Is Einstein wrong?
#24
"Honesty may be the best policy, but insanity is the best defense."
Immortal Emperor Paradox 3 years ago
I think the post is talking about how the criminals can avoid punishment by acting like they are insane.
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Whitey Black 3 years ago
Honesty is the best policy? So wouldn't that make dishonesty, by the simple process of elimination, the second best policy? -- George Carlin
#25
"Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us." – Stephen Colbert
Chin-sun Ming 3 years ago
I have trauma of little kids like first graders and below to before pre-school
#26
"Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often."
mary fisher 2 years ago
Daily, most people, what is this thinking thing you are talking about?
Ham Explosion 3 years ago
Prayers to the unfairly killed to-be-children (victims of abortion)
Load More Replies... #27
"My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more." – Walter Matthau
Henry Russell 4 years ago
i heard i another one that say the doctor gave me one month to live so i shot him in the face the jury gave me 12 problem solved
Michelle M 3 years ago
It's like this one I know. A snake bit me and I was told I had only 12 hours to live. I made it bite me again to make it a full day.
#28
"Here’s to another day of outward smiles and inward screams."
Janelle Collard 3 years ago
Probably anyone who has to deal with the "public." *sigh*
Load More Replies... #29
"So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn’t for throwing at people who stress you out?"
De Gueb 3 years ago
A few years back our phone company did a massive cockup, for some reason we showed on there system we hadn't paid the bills so they gave our number to a cement company. After a very tense phone call a a few days it was all sorted. About a week later I get a package from the phone company. A stress ball........
#30
"I clapped because it’s finished, not because I like it."
Kirsten Kerkhof 3 years ago
I tell my dancers there are two bows for every dance (Highland Dancing, you start and end the dance with a bow). The first one is to thank the audience for turning up, the second one is for them not walking away.
#31
"When one door closes, another opens. Or you can open the closed door. That’s how doors work."
#32
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying." – Oscar Wilde
Terry Tobias 3 years ago
I felt that way after coming across a paper I wrote while in college. It was written in Neuropsych-ese and confused the hell out of me. Was I ever that smart?
Angelar 3 years ago
(...)and the little Frog swam away."You are a very irritating person," said the Rocket, "and very ill-bred. I hate people who talk about themselves, as you do, when one wants to talk about oneself, as I do. It is what I call selfishness, and selfishness is a most detestable thing (...) "There is no good talking to him," said a Dragon-fly, who was sitting on the top of a large brown bulrush; "no good at all, for he has gone away.""Well, that is his loss, not mine," answered the Rocket. "I am not going to stop talking to him merely because he pays no attention. I like hearing myself talk. It is one of my greatest pleasures. I often have long conversations all by myself, and I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying." "Then you should certainly lecture on Philosophy," said the Dragon-fly; and he spread a pair of lovely gauze wings and soared away into the sky. (The Remarkable Rocket, 1888 in: The Happy Price and Other Tales)
#33
"Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school." – Albert Einstein
#34
"History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives." – Abba Eban
Mosheh Wolf 3 years ago
Fun fact: he was the cousin of Oliver Sachs (who wrote "The Man who Mistook His Wife for a Hat").
#35
"I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?"
#36
"Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face."
#37
"If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single. Once you’re married you can’t even change the TV Channel."
Leo Domitrix 3 years ago
Married, two cats, who can *find* the friggin' remote?!
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#38
"Find your patience before I lose mine."
Andrea Lange 3 years ago
I got my patience tested. Test came back "negative". 😈
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#39
"My uncle's dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair." – Rodney Dangerfield
Kookamunga 4 years ago
My favorite Rodney quote: My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay - you're ugly, too.
Bexxxxx 3 years ago
I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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Whitey Black 3 years ago
I tell ya I live in a rough neighborhood. Every time I close my windows I break someone's fingers. -- RD
Brett Layton 3 years ago
I feel limke Rodney really didnt get the recognition ( you thought I was gonna say respect didnt you?) that he ddeserved he was hysterical and gave alot of comedians their big break at his comedy club.
IeabellAlakar@aqueenofaplanet 4 years ago
So, delerious, wanted you dead, or both. I say probably both.
#40
"People say laughter is the best medicine. Your face must be curing the world."
Mary Rose Kent 3 years ago
My face is fine, dude...you’ve been at your Bunsen burner for too long!
#41
"If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it." – W. C. Fields
#42
"Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile." – Billy Sunday
Otter 3 years ago (edited)
Well standing in the pulpit doesn't make you a Christian either, Mr. Sunday.
Max Knotts 3 years ago
No it doesn't, Otter. Billy Sunday exemplified the Real thing. Please dont link everyone to you're biased opinion.
Load More Replies... #43
"Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver."
#44
"Sarcasm – the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it."
Ryan Deschanel 3 years ago
Stupid people are too stupid to understand you are calling them stupid.
Annie Bieber 3 years ago
I suffer from acute Spontaneous Sarcasm & apparently passed it on to my son...I couldn't be more proud. 🥰🥳
#45
"They say marriages are made in heaven. But so is thunder and lightning." – Clint Eastwood
#46
"I am not young enough to know everything." – Oscar Wilde
#47
"The bigger your family, the bigger your problems."
Wistiti 3 years ago
While we were in Senegal, our tour guide mentions poligamy, which is part of their culture, but also explains to us why he only has two wives and have no plans for another : "One wife, one problem; two wives, two problems; three wives, three problems; four wives, catasthrophy"
IeabellAlakar@aqueenofaplanet 4 years ago
An introvert in a family of extroverts is a dangerous thing.
Mary Rose Kent 3 years ago
I’m the eldest of five—I think in some way I can’t even begin to understand because it would likely involve calculus, she and I are each other in parallel universes.
Load More Replies... #48
"Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand."
#49
"Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair."
#50
"A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on." – Winston Churchill
#51
"If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something." – Murphy’s Laws
El muerto 3 years ago
if you are 100% sure about anything, you haven't thought about it enough
John Baker 3 years ago
"The problem with the world is that fools are cocksure while wise men are full of doubt."
Load More Replies... Annie Bieber 3 years ago
Still trying figure out WHO these Murphys are and WHY the Law Firm of Murphy's, Inc. pursues me so relentlessly. 🤦♀️
John Baker 3 years ago
"If you can keep your head while those around you are losing theirs, you don't understand the situation."
#52
"Just keep talking, I yawn when I’m interested."
Buren 3 years ago
I'm not only affected by seeing people yawn, reading the word makes me yawn too. YAWN
Mary Rose Kent 3 years ago
I was fine until the very end, and there you were...
Load More Replies... John Smith 3 years ago
I once told a telemarketer that I make beeping noises when I am listening, and hung up.
#53
"If you find me offensive. Then I suggest you quit finding me."
#54
"I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today."
Robert Trebor 3 years ago
I want to like him but every time I get close something prevents it.
#55
"Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid." – John Wayne
Otter 3 years ago
It's also hard for the stupid one. Like, dying a slow suffocating death from COVID and leaving your children without a parent, because you were too stupid to get vaccinated.
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Buren 3 years ago
It's much harder when the stupid one has power and there are more stupid ones supporting that said stupid
Mary Rose Kent 3 years ago
As we Americans experienced for four brutal years!
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Eat Dirt Crow 3 years ago
When you're dead, you don't know you're dead, it only affects the people around you. It's the same when you're stupid.
TrashPandaSociety 3 years ago
If you're stupid, life is quite simple & harder on those around you.
John Baker 3 years ago
Wayne never said this. The line comes from the novel (and film) "The Friends of Eddie Coyle", and was spoken by a character named Jackie Brown.
#56
"When something goes wrong in your life, just yell 'Plot Twist' and move on."
#57
"I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don’t want to see your ugly mug every day."
Evil Hornet 3 years ago
Don't tell Your enemies to go to hell - there are to many great and interesting people there
#58
"I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect." – Oscar Wilde
Angelar 3 years ago
(...) Sir Thomas frowned. "I am afraid that your nephew is prejudiced against that great country," he said to Lady Agatha. "I have travelled all over it in cars provided by the directors, who, in such matters, are extremely civil. I assure you that it is an education to visit it." "But must we really see Chicago in order to be educated?" asked Mr. Erskine plaintively. "I don't feel up to the journey." Sir Thomas waved his hand. "Mr. Erskine of Treadley has the world on his shelves. We practical men like to see things, not to read about them. The Americans are an extremely interesting people. They are absolutely reasonable. I think that is their distinguishing characteristic. Yes, Mr. Erskine, an absolutely reasonable people. I assure you there is no nonsense about the Americans." "How dreadful!" cried Lord Henry. "I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect."
Otter 3 years ago
Wilde's Sir Thomas didn't know much about Americans. "Absolutely reasonable?"?????
Load More Replies... #59
"With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too."
John Baker 3 years ago
But if you play a country song backwards, you'll get the truck back and your wife and dog will come home.
#60
"Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them." – Walter Kerr
Donna Rakowiecki 4 years ago
So basically it's good versus evil you the author are on the evil side and calling half the world of decent caring nice people idiots. They're not stupid or idiotically they just have morals basic compassion for fellow human beings and the people taking a vantage of them should die a slow painful death
#61
"Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke." – Will Rogers
#62
"When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it."
#63
"There are times here my greatest achievement is keeping my mouth shut."
#64
"I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in the face but with words."
smugdruggler 3 years ago
The word "sarcasm" comes from the Latin meaning " to tear the flesh". Sometimes I'd prefer that option.
#65
"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."
#66
"When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark."
Who Panda 420 3 years ago
I was gonna say Trump? But no it takes intelligence to be sarcastic.
JennaMae 3 years ago
Reaching... Like u are equal to a trump troller....just in the hater spectrum... Try again for funny 420
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#67
"Reality is just a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs." – Robin Williams
#69
"I’m not sarcastic. I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding."
#70
"Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can't."
#71
"Repeating quotes from funny movies doesn’t make you funny."
Jean Peterson 4 years ago
This!! Every adolescent to mid twenties guy speaks in movie quotes and believe themselves to be the funniest, coolest, most original person. And it's like nah Brofessor, you just watch alot of movies and cannot come up with your own funny sh*t so you borrow others. That doesn't make you cool, unless you have perfect timing with an awesome line that's so perfect and out of the blue that is actually funny. But if it's how you always talk, you suck
Vanta Black 3 years ago
Sorry, but you can't have a pop at the young guys and use the word "Brofessor". In any context.
Load More Replies... Annie Bieber 3 years ago
Oh Lawd...how about the people that do movie dialog out loud WHILE you're watching the movie...☠😡
#72
"Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern… like bad wallpaper." – Friedrich Nietzsche
#73
"I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
#74
"Everyone seems normal until you get to know them."
Annie Bieber 3 years ago
A friend told me once people will tell you everything you need to know about them in the 1st fifteen minutes...ANY time I ignored that advise...it was No Bueno.😬
#75
"Zombies eat brains, you are safe." – John Stewart
John Smith 3 years ago
I prefer "If a zombie attack happens, you will be safe. They want more than a snack"
#76
"A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer."
#77
"Yet despite the look on my face… you are still talking."
Milady Blue 3 years ago
Definitely applies to my youngest brother, who is also known as Gabzilla.
#78
"The time you realize your kids are in bed and have been watching The Disney channel for the past hour by yourself."
Henry Russell 4 years ago
sometimes my little sister would leave a room when me and my brother are watching her because our parents are room and we dont turn the tv off and just watch it
Who Panda 420 3 years ago
And why not? Never too old for Disney. Plenty of adult injokes for us big kids too
Load More Replies... #79
"My attitude in exams. They give me questions I don’t know. I give them answers they don’t know."
Evil Hornet 3 years ago
Noone knows what is the discuccion about and therefore it sounds intelligent :P
#80
"I hate it when I think I’m buying organic vegetables but when I get home, I discover they’re just regular donuts."
#81
"Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner." – Douglas Adams
Angelar 4 years ago
The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.” ― Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
allan dorfling 3 years ago
What a writer between him and Tolkien I developed a love for reading
#82
"Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing." – William James
#83
"Having a two-year-old is like having a blender that you don't have the top for." – Jerry Seinfeld
#84
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments."
JennaMae 3 years ago
Nah, just try walking into another room with the intention of spending 30 minutes to yourself.... 2 minutes and at least 4 of 5 people living in the house that you have walked past 20 times in 2 hours..and not a word or look at you... 2 minutes and they are banging on the door like the world is ending ...
#85
"Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong."
Ryan Deschanel 3 years ago
And the answer is always the same : "Nothing, but she wants to be mad for no reason."
allan dorfling 3 years ago
I swear this is n rule implemented by the gods...I can just see Zeus standing there going everybody thought it was the stuff inside pandora's jar that stops man from being equal to the gods.... Jokes on you on you, you'll spend so much time trying to guess what you did, you can't challenge us
#86
"Money can’t buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position." – Murphy’s Laws
Evil Hornet 3 years ago
That is funny in romantic movies. Gestures main character makes, would ruin typical man :P
#87
"People that pay for things never complain. It’s the guy you give something to that you can’t please." – Will Rogers
#88
"Let’s share… You’ll take the grenade, I’ll take the pin."
#89
"Sorry for the mean, awful, and accurate things I said."
#90
"New Year's Resolution: casual promises that I am under no legal obligation to fulfill."
#91
"Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving."
#92
"Are you always so stupid or is today a special ocassion?"
#93
"What are the proper proportions of a maxim? A minimum of sound to a maximum of sense." – Mark Twain
#94
"Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children." – Sam Levenson
#95
"I'm not saying your perfume is too strong. I'm just saying the canary was alive before you got here."
#96
"My family is temperamental, half temper half mental."
Dave van Es 3 years ago
Ah yes, like a psychological relationship. One is a psycho, the other is logical
#97
"Please submit your ideas to me today so I can submit them as my own tomorrow."
Annie Bieber 3 years ago
A comedian who went on after me, stole my s**t, used it at another show and totally tanked...Touche' ahole!! 😈
#98
"Don’t you hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious?"
John Baker 3 years ago
Some people don't even understand the little words, so you may as well use the big ones.
#99
"Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake." – W. C. Fields
#100
"My level of sarcasm has gotten to a point where I don't even know if I am kidding anymore."
#101
"I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that."
#102
"Ah, yes, divorce … from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." – Robin Williams
#103
"Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence." – Ashleigh Brilliant
#104
"I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation."
Andrea Lange 3 years ago
I don't like to think before I speak. I enjoy being as surprised as anyone else about the stuff I'm talking!
#105
"That is the ugliest top I’ve ever seen, yet it compliments your face perfectly."
Andrea Lange 3 years ago
Fashion designers who decide which clothes are the absolutely ultra-modern hot stuff every season secretly wait if people really buy and wear their creations... then laugh out loud because people really buy and wear their creations!
Annie Bieber 3 years ago
Designers be laughing all the way to the Bank saying "Can you believe..."🙄
#106
"They say each day is a gift! Well, I want to know where customer service is so I can return this one."
#107
"If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty." – Jeff Foxworthy
#108
"I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night."
Annie Bieber 3 years ago
Interesting that the "Monoscope" I've seen in adverts is full of high-rise buildings w/o a star in sight...😬...Be VERY afraid.
#109
"A clean house is the sign of a broken computer."
Mary Rose Kent 3 years ago
They accidentally left your name out, but it’s clear to everyone that it was meant specifically for you. 🙃🙂🙃
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#110
"I don’t believe in plastic surgery. But in your case, go ahead."
#111
"Asking politicians to give up a source of money is like asking Dracula to forsake blood." – Cal Thomas
#112
"If you want to call a family meeting - turn off the WiFi and sit in the room where it is located."
#114
"Keep rolling your eyes, you might just find a brain back there."
#116
"A straight face and a sincere-sounding "Huh?" have gotten me out of more trouble than I can remember."
Ryan Deschanel 3 years ago
Fooling people into assuming you are to stupid to be talked to... Genius!
#117
"There are only two things a child will share willingly—communicable diseases and his mother's age." – Benjamin Spock
#118
"Mother Nature is wonderful. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers." – Eugene Bertin
JennaMae 3 years ago
Its the hormones in the food and water ...ECT. that's doing it
Load More Replies... #119
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
s. vitkovitsky 3 years ago
Well, then, fall on your face and improve your smile!
Load More Replies... #120
"If you must make a noise, make it quietly." – Oliver Hardy
#121
"Smoking will kill you... Bacon will kill you... But, smoking bacon will cure it."
#122
"What we feel and think and are is to a great extent determined by the state of our ductless glands and viscera." – Aldous Huxley
Otter 3 years ago (edited)
Nowadays, it would be "What we feel and think and are, is to a great extent, determined by our hormonal and neurotransmitter levels". Because the brain we think with, or think we are thinking with, is still a piece of biological matter.
Load More Replies... #123
"He was happily married – but his wife wasn’t." – Victor Borge
#124
"No, you don’t have to repeat yourself. I was ignoring you the first time."
#125
“Well, my imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems."
#126
"Well that escalated quickly – our family motto."
#127
"Caller ID was invented for family screening."
#128
"It's an easy tool this world- just pretend like you know everything."
JennaMae 3 years ago
The originally defined Karen. . .Or the loose translation where they bait middle aged discerning and not entirely quiet or timid women and call them Karen's whilst being rude and provocative themselves????
Load More Replies... #129
"Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else."
Richard A Petro 3 years ago
And the corollary; "Just because you're unique doesn't make you useful."
#130
"We are all born crazy. Some of us remain that way." – Samuel Beckett
#131
"My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him."
#132
"My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me."
#133
"Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage."
#135
"Nobody really cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy." – Cynthia Nelms
#136
"If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that 'Members not Present' and 'Subjects Discussed' were one and the same." – Robert Brault
#138
"Two wrongs don't make a right, take your parents as an example."
Šimon Špaček 3 years ago
Two wrongs make a right, two Wrights made a flight?
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#139
"Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything."
#141
"The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old." – Jean Kerr
#143
"Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse." – Murphy’s Laws
#144
"I haven’t even gone to bed yet and I already can’t wait to come home from work tomorrow."
#146
"I’m sorry while you were talking I was trying to figure where the hell you got the idea I cared."
#147
"I’m sorry. I was listening until, out of nowhere, I became distracted by this loud, obnoxious noise that turned out to be your voice."
#148
"Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member does or says."
#149
"For the first time ever I was taking the family on the road. We stayed with my in-laws, which on life’s list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors." – Jeff Foxworthy
#151
"Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you they can’t laugh either."
#152
"In order to form an immaculate member of a flock of sheep one must, above all, be a sheep." – Albert Einstein
#153
"I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life."
#154
"Life’s good, you should get one."
#155
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." – Evan Esar
#156
"I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants, but he's still making fun of me."
#157
"I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me."
#158
"My son asked me what it's like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me."
#159
"One might be led to suspect that there were all sorts of things going on in the Universe which he or she did not thoroughly understand." – Kurt Vonnegut
#160
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." – Erma Bombeck
#161
"I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house." – Anthony Anderson
#162
"If you see me smiling it's because I'm thinking of doing something evil or naughty. If you see me laughing it's because I've already done it."
#163
"Writing a horror screenplay. It starts off with a ringing phone. The person answers, and it's their mum saying "I have a computer question."
#164
"I’m not listening, but keep talking. I enjoy the way your voice makes my ears bleed."
DUN DUN (she/her) 3 years ago
Oh how I wish I knew this line before meeting some people *cough* on bored panda *cough*
#165
"You can tell what was the best year of your father's life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out." – Jerry Seinfeld
#166
"Please cancel my subscription to your resurrection."
#167
"The informality of family life is a blessed condition that allows us all to become our best while looking our worst." – Marge Kennedy
#169
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception."
#170
"Just because the voices only talk to me doesn’t mean you should get all jealous. You’re just a little too crazy for their taste."
#171
"It’s weird, marriage. It’s like this license that gives a person the legal right to control their spouse / their ‘other half." – Jess C. Scott
#172
"To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero, thanks for nothing!"
Concept-Peter Roosdorp 3 years ago
Technically 0 isn't the same as nothing. Hence the need for null. Which to add some confusion is prenouced close to zero in many languages.
Ryan Deschanel 3 years ago
Zero is literally nothing. So thanks to them for inventing the mathematically accurate concept of void. And yes, it was them.
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#173
"Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we're married and live together so I'd have to see them every day."
#178
"How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?"
#179
"The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings." – Murphy’s Laws
Eat Dirt Crow 3 years ago
No matter how beautiful they are, someone, somewhere, is sick of their crap.
#180
"A diary with no drawings of me in it? Where are the torrid fantasies? The romance covers?" – Cassandra Clare
#181
"In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent." – Robert Brault
#182
"I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew."
#183
"When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts."
#184
"My imaginary friend says that you need a therapist."
What do you think ?
Oliver Nelson 3 years ago
Most of these are things 12 year old me would have seen on a shirt on Pinterest and thought it was the funniest thing ever.
postboredom 3 years ago (edited)
Some of these are just cynical or trying too hard to be funny. A few are gems though
Mewton’s Third Paw 3 years ago
Started as sarcastic comedy and quickly devolved into dad jokes and boomer humor. Cringetopia.
Thorfin Wolfsbane 3 years ago
anyone who says "cringetopia" should automatically get punched in the face.
Load More Replies...
Mark Serbian, PK&RG,W 3 years ago
I could eat alphabet soup and s**t better lyrics. - Johnny Mercer
John Baker 3 years ago
I'm sure the downvote trolls will have a field day with me, but I'm not going to pretend these are witty or funny. Most of them are neither.
Oliver Nelson 3 years ago
Most of these are things 12 year old me would have seen on a shirt on Pinterest and thought it was the funniest thing ever.
postboredom 3 years ago (edited)
Some of these are just cynical or trying too hard to be funny. A few are gems though
Mewton’s Third Paw 3 years ago
Started as sarcastic comedy and quickly devolved into dad jokes and boomer humor. Cringetopia.
Thorfin Wolfsbane 3 years ago
anyone who says "cringetopia" should automatically get punched in the face.
Load More Replies... Mark Serbian, PK&RG,W 3 years ago
I could eat alphabet soup and s**t better lyrics. - Johnny Mercer
John Baker 3 years ago
I'm sure the downvote trolls will have a field day with me, but I'm not going to pretend these are witty or funny. Most of them are neither.
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