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Parenthood can be very challenging. And even though some moms and dads say there’s nothing more rewarding, others might not feel the same way about it.
There are people who know the role of a parent is not for them; they often choose to be child-free. Others might only come to such a realization after starting a family, which can lead to them regretting having kids. A 2021 survey revealed that as much as 29% of Americans say they want to have fewer children or don’t want to have them at all.
For those who regret becoming parents, admitting that to themselves or others might not be an easy thing to do. But some of them have opened up about it on the ‘Regretful Parents’ subreddit—a safe space for people who think they should not have had children.
A Brooklyn-based actor, writer, and podcaster, Rachel Diamond, discussed the subreddit in one of her TikTok videos. She was replying to a comment someone made, saying that they haven’t met a single person who regrets becoming a parent. Scroll down to find her video and some confessions from parents who do.
@rachelandrue Replying to @aholly7614 #childfree #regretfulparent #childfreebychoice #GenshinImpact32 #fyp #foryou #parenting ♬ Music Instrument - Gerhard Siagian
This TikToker Replied To A Person Saying They Haven’t Met Anyone Who Regrets Having Children With Real-Life Stories From Parents Who Do
Image credits: Rachel Diamond
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
I was an 18 year old college student living on my own, having just escaped my abusive family. I fell pregnant and while I was trying to get information on having an abortion, members of a pro-life group sent me tons of messages saying they'd support me financially and emotionally if I went through with my pregnancy, saying they just wanted to be sure I had options. I was extremely depressed and vulnerable and I was living in this haze, and they made me believe having a baby would fix everything. That my problem was that I hadn't fulfilled my life's purpose of becoming a mother, which reinforced a lot of my family's indoctrination I hadn't shaken yet. They dropped their support as soon as I could no longer legally get an abortion, and I had to drop out of college to support myself and my twins. We had rough patches where I thought we'd end up homeless, but I still clung to the hope it would be worth it. My life would be better because I was a mother.
My twins are 6 now. I'm no longer struggling to put food on the table or pay rent, but they didn't fix anything. I think I snapped out of it when they were 2 years old and realized I ruined my life by having them. The horrible thing is I resent them and I feel so emotionally disconnected from them. Sometimes I feel like I'm just their babysitter and I'm waiting for their mom to come pick them up. The idea of 12 more years of this makes me sick.
Loverboy 2 years ago
I hate pro lifers. Not for what they believe, but for who they really are. You can believe whatever bs you want, but forcing it on others, hurting others, ruining others because of what you believe is horrible. I'm sorry you have to go through that.
BluEyedSeoulite 2 years ago
You misspelled pro-birthers. They don't care after the baby is breathing air
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Katie Lutesinger 2 years ago (edited)
Those scumbags don't give a rat's a*s about babies, or mothers either. They just want to keep women in their place by forcing motherhood on them. Moment they've achieved that, they vanish faster than an ex who just stole your stuff.
SheDeM 2 years ago
My heart goes out to you. Raising children is so hard. I was married with zero doubts about having my girls. I love them with my whole self, but that still doesn't make parenting easy. I can't imagine how absolutely soul sucking it must be to raise twins alone. Funny how those pro-lifers disappear after the babies are born and vote AGAINST programs, benefits, and support that could make such a huge difference in the lives of struggling families. They can just f right off.
A gay cat man 2 years ago
its pro-CHOICE not anti-life the prolifers need to start realizing that its about options not explicitly just abortion. like, even if you wouldn't get in abortion if it was your choice, but you support other ppl in their decisions, you're still pro-choice
44elizabeth_hinman44 2 years ago
Why do so many males oppose abortion? Not because they love children, to spend time with them & nurture & teach them. They just want something to put their name on. Women used to have have no choice but to marry in order to survive. And now that women are able to support themselves males are panicking. They can't force us to be with them any more. We don't need them to survive. Males liked that they own us, abuse us, rape us and they had a slave, servant and cook. That is why they want to force women to breed so that we are shackled to poverty and children because only then will we be stuck with them. It does not occur to them to do and be better. They don't want to put in the effort to be funny, smart, interesting, contribute fair to housekeeping, smell good and be less disgusting. They're selfish and lazy
Susie Elle 2 years ago
You were surrounded by vultures, OP. I hope there's help for you to help you process what happened. Lots of love!
It's ame Mario 2 years ago
This is so sad. the whole idea of pro life....it's pro birth...there is no support after. How sad for this mom and her children....
Creepy panda 2 years ago
Running trough this list. It dawned on me that a lot of parents have kids with autism or adhd. And I can say for having a kid with adhd. And in his teens. There are times when I want to put his lights out. Not that I would do it
Brandie Litchfield 2 years ago
Sometimes it helps to say under your breathe, "omfg I'm gonna kick this m**o a$$" or "dang I'm about to beat some butts" but then never actually do it lol that's all we have as mom's... Idle threats
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Sylvia Baker 2 years ago
And those poor kids will carry on the dysfunction from their upbringing.... and so on and so on.....
RELATED:
#2
I never wanted to have kids. It just wasn’t something I felt was meant for me. I have a myriad of health and mental health issues and they just take up so much of my time and energy I never thought I could commit to having a child.
I got pregnant at 21 with my boyfriend at the time. He was excited and I forced myself to feel the same, but the truth is I was completely disconnected my entire pregnancy. Because of my health issues I spent my pregnancy sickly and in pain. I wanted nothing more then for it to just end and I could have my body and my life back.
After my daughter was born she ended up being a “high needs” baby. She was colicky and screamed and cried and slept 30 minutes at a time for the first 6 months of her life. I couldn’t take it. I desperately wanted to give her up but her father convinced me it’ll get better and I was her mother and she only needed me.
As the years went by I never felt truly connected to her. I love her and I care for her but that unconditional maternal love just has never struck me or been there.
Today she’s 4 years old. On the autism spectrum and really hard to deal with. Last year I started distancing myself and cutting my time with her.
She’s thriving and a very happy kid, with or without me. I see her once or twice a week and I’m happy with it. I provide child support to her father and I do what I need to do to provide for her financially but emotionally I just can’t do it.
I know this makes me a monster in most peoples eyes and I’ve accepted this judgement from society.
She has family and a father that take great care of her but unfortunately I will never be that mother for her.
I guess I’m just here to say that it’s ok to feel this way. And I’m open to questions or thoughts on my situation.
MiriPanda 2 years ago
I think giving up the main parental responsibility was a smart move in this case, best for the kid and nothing to feel bad about. Probably hard to ignore the "perfect" goody-two-shoes though.
Scott Rackley 2 years ago
I think so too. She's providing support and being present. The kid would figure out how she felt if she were around more, and that would hurt the child a lot.
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BluEyedSeoulite 2 years ago
Honestly, it sounds like the daughter is better off with this arrangement and it is great the mom realized it. She didn't abandon her child but recognized she wasn't capable of being what her child needed.
Laurie Goff 2 years ago
Look not everyone is meant to be parents, and that is ok. Looks like you did the best thing for her and yourself. She's in a loving and supporting home, you visit on a schedule and support her financially. You didn't ghost her she knows who you are and has a relationship with you that works for her and you. Good job!
Loverboy 2 years ago
You're not a monster. I can't imagine losing what little I have, I cannot emotionally provide for a child at all.
Nikole 2 years ago
This is so well put (as your comments usually are) and I feel the same way.
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Sassawrasse 2 years ago
I would have LOVED for my mother to have been this self aware! She HATED us past babyhood and let us know regularly that we ruined her life. Kudos to you!
Awesome At Being Autistic 2 years ago
This, people. This, or putting the child up for adoption, is how to do it. This child will be a lot happier with just having her mom around very occasionally.
Bridget Connors 2 years ago
Your biggest problem is you didn't listen to yourself. You knew you didn't want kids. I knew when I was 11-12 years old I never wanted kids but I listened to myself and I haven't regretted it for a moment.
FantastiKitty 2 years ago
I don't think you're a monster. You did what was best for both of you.
#3
The actual reason I had a kid was just pressure from society. I mean, this is what people are supposed to do you know? I’ve always made so much effort ticking all the boxes what people are “supposed to do”. I’m 30 years old and my biological clock is ticking. All my friends have kids so I thought to myself that it was now or never. Now I have this beautiful, healthy, lovely 2 year old whom I love more than words - make no mistake, I’m a good mom. But what I want is sleeping in, going to the gym whenever I want, travel, doing spontaneous things etc. That was my life before my daughter was born. I don’t feel this “rewarding” feeling everyone are talking about. I feel bitter and unfulfilled.
LuckyL 2 years ago
I feel this so much. And it's not really society pressuring me. I ALWAYS wanted to have kids. Two to be precise. Now I have a wonderful three year old, my relationship is possibly ending and all I want is my freedom. I love my daughter to pieces, I would never change a thing about having her and I think I'm a good mom for her, and I love being her mom. But I think, if I didn't know her, didn't know the love for her, but knew what I have to sacrifice of myself - I wouldn't have gotten pregnant.
LuckyL 2 years ago
And I feel so terrible for the thought alone. But if this relationship ends and we split custody 50/50 I would have both worlds. Am I even allowed to like the idea to see my child only every other week? And I wonder if I'm really fighting for this relationship, or if I want "my freedom" back.
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Seonag Udell 2 years ago
Why is 30 years old now or never. I had my baby at 41 when I was ready to have her. 30 is average age to have a baby not old.
and_a_touch_of_the_’tism 2 years ago
Exactly. I don’t need to bring someone into this already overpopulated and screwed up world and pass someone all of my f****d-up-ness just to tick some imaginary boxes.
Lisa Simpson 2 years ago
I am childfree by choice. I do love my nephews and I am good with children, even used to babysit for a while during my university days. But my partner and I decided not to have kids due to multiple reasons, like the fear of pregnancy and childbirth, fear that the baby will have autism or any other issue, not having any optimism regarding the future in our country etc. Also, I don't envy any of my friends with children whatsoever - all of them constantly complain about their kids, they are always tired and most of their lives revolve around children, yet they have the audacity to ask me when do I plan to get pregnant because 'that's what you should do, like everybody else'. TBH, my partner and I almost fell for that trap some years ago, when we turned 30 and people started pressuring us. We tried for a baby, it didn't happen but we weren't sad because of it. After that we sat down and talked, agreed that both of us would prefer a childfree life, and that's it.
Lisa Simpson 2 years ago
I am sorry if my English is not perfect, obviously it's not my native language ☺️
Load More Replies... BluEyedSeoulite 2 years ago
Having someone there to just pick up a little slack to let you manage your own day all about you sounds heavenly. I'm sure many parents are missing that
Cooking Panda 2 years ago (edited)
I hppe you'll have all the time you need to do things yoi want when she's grown up
Nathan Wolfe 2 years ago
Before having a child, ask yourself this: who will raise them? Society? Your mom? The people demanding you have one? Or will it be you? Because if it's you, then only you have any say at all whatsoever.
Max Fox 2 years ago
First, a person can still do so many of the things they did when they were single when they have kids. We did. As for "Spontaneous"? That's a delusion. People with jobs and cars and homes cannot actually do "Spontaneous", unless they have inherited millions, or have seven figure paychecks and jobs which are extremely flexible (two things that don't go together). People who think that they miss being "spontaneous really miss being young. Guess what? Kids or not, you're getting older. Learn to use babysitters and daycare, parents and friends, and teach your kid to behave in public, so that you can bring them to places that aren't Chuck-E-Cheese and Disneyland. Then, in 16 years, they'll go to college, and you will have a few more decades to be spontaneous. Guess what, Millennials? You're not dying of old age at 50, and are fully able to go to the gym, sleep in, travel, etc. Despite having kids, you will have a good amount of free money, that you will be able to spend on yourself.
Belinda Milner 2 years ago
My two oldest children have kids of their own but my youngest doesn't want kids (and found a hubby who is totally onboard with that) ... I totally support her too! She's constantly being asked when are you starting a family? Or being told she'll change her mind! I tell her to tell those people to f**k right off! This is the 21st century - women should be allowed to make the choice WITHOUT the b******t peer pressure!
#4
I always had my suspicions, but hearing him actually say it out loud was jarring to hear.
He told me that on the night we conceived our oldest, he got me really, really drunk while he stayed sober. When I was too drunk to even remember what happened, we had sex without a condom. Again, I don’t remember this happening. I thought I got pregnant the day after, because he said that condom accidentally broke during sex.
I asked him why he felt the need to do that. He said that he needed to get me pregnant, because he was scared that I was going to party and leave him and live my life when I turned 21. He didn’t want me to turn into a “whore”.
We have three kids now. This was 10 years ago. While I don’t necessarily regret my kids, I feel like my right to choose was taken away. I wanted an abortion with our second for mental health reasons. He still mocks me about it to this day, and even told our oldest daughter that I almost aborted her sister. He guilted me out of getting one.
I regret not having a carefree time in my entire adult life. When I got pregnant, I was only 20. My husband was 26, so he already got to have his whole, fun college experience.
Those would be my main regrets. My kids are all amazing, smart and lovely humans. I have spent the entirety of my 20’s making sure they are well-balanced and that they have a great childhood. However, I feel like I never got to be “me”. I still don’t know who I am. I had to grow up with my kids, and that’s not easy to do.
Loverboy 2 years ago
That is rape. I don't give a f**k if he was your boyfriend, that is rape. He has no idea what it's like to go through child birth, and I guarantee you he played a small role in raising those children, he had no right to guilt you. I sincerely hope you divorced that manipulative son of a b***h, and I hope he gets castrated afterwards.
Blue_Mouse 2 years ago
What I was gonna say. You could have said it better
Load More Replies... Pineapple Incident 2 years ago (edited)
Oh dear lord. So he r*ped her. Keeps guilting her. I hope she runs, fast and far.
Monday 2 years ago
Absolutely. He doesn't deserve to see her or those kids ever again.
Load More Replies... Susie Elle 2 years ago
OP. This man raped you and has now trapped you into a marriage you do not want. This absolute trash of a man is abusive, and I hope you find the strength to see this, because all you mention are the children and whether or not you regret having them. Of course that wat the question that was asked, however your story reveals a much, MUCH bigger issue, and that is the man that forced you to bear his children and is now emotionally trapping you into not leaving. I hope I'm wrong, OP.
SheDeM 2 years ago
Agree. He's an abusive, manipulative a$$hole, and his snide remarks can undermine your relationship with your children. I know how that works firsthand. My EX husband taught my children to disrespect me while he was secretly molesting them. F@$&ing men.
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Def_not_a_snake (they/them) 2 years ago
That's horrible, consent had not been given and could be illegal in some circumstances. I hope you get the help you need and that your children grow splendidly. 😔❤️
BluEyedSeoulite 2 years ago
I hope she left this POS. What a terrible person and it sounds like he's ruining his relationship with his own kids, just judging on those comments. I'm sure there are far worse things said
Amber.exe(She/They) 2 years ago
He raped her and trapped her in a marriage.This is horrible and toxic.He knew he'd get his way getting you so drunk you wouldn't remember anything and when you wanted an abortion with your second he mocked you and told your oldest what you were going to do.Leave that pos and never look back
Thida Yang 2 years ago
It's not too late to 1. Leave him and 2. Enjoy your life once your kids are grown. I had mine in my early 20s. I never felt like I missed out on the drunken debauchery, but do feel like I wish I could have some of my youth back. That being said, I have friends who had kids in their 30s abd forties abd let me tell you that now that I'm 44 and my kids are 21 & 20 and I'm free if the daily responsibilities of parenting young children while watching my friends be late 30s or early 40s with a toddler, just seeing them makes me tired. I'm glad now that I had young children while I was young and full of energy. I get to spend my 40s free and wiser and now hang out with my kids because we enjoy each other's company, not because we have to. You'll appreciate being a young parent layer, trust me. But do leave before hubby realizes this and traps you again .
BluEyedSeoulite 2 years ago
My sister had her kid at 16 and was "free" by 35. There are certainly perks to having kids young! I'm like your friends, started at 30. I wish I had the energy and patience of my 20s
Load More Replies... #5
I had surgery so my son has been with his dad (who has never been this helpful before) and my parents. I'm 3 days into not having had to deal with him and it's been the best days of my life in 8 years. I feel so bad... But so good. I won't get him back until Sunday and I wish this could last forever.
He's severely autistic and screams all day and gets into things and hurts himself and me.
I'd have surgery once a month if it would help me have a whole week without him.
Deborah B 2 years ago
Unpopular opinion: This child is just as much the dad's child as he is yours. Demand that he take him half the time.
John Topper 2 years ago
There is no reason for this to be unpopular. Special needs kids are an immense burden and incredibly stressful. The parents should rightfully have to share that challenge.
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Loverboy 2 years ago
I'm afraid of having kids, a big reason is if they turn out to be special needs. A normal child would be a lot, but having a special needs kid would just destroy me.
Nikole 2 years ago
Honestly, that’s one of many reasons I never had a child.
Load More Replies... BluEyedSeoulite 2 years ago
Again, it seems like people would have a vastly different experience if they had more support!! Child are exhausting and pull at all of your loose threads. Add in special needs and it is like being pulled apart
SheDeM 2 years ago
There's nothing way about parenting under the best of circumstances. Adding special needs to the deal is life-changing in monsters ways. Huge deal. I was a teacher, including several years with this population. Exhausting with only tiny rewards and little victories. Imagined daily, with sympathy, what it was like for the parents.
Polly Walsh 2 years ago
If a child is violent now...it will be worse when a teenager or adult and will beat you up...put him in care now..before this s**t happens.... he mayn't car who looks after him or be able to make meaningful attachments to caregivers so why are you killing yourself looking after someone who possibly doesn't care ..?
AnnaRachelle 2 years ago
Speaking from experience. You need respite and your sons father should provide that. Having an autistic child is challenging to say the least. I really do wish you well
Must Be Bored Again 2 years ago
Time to look at adjusting parenting time due to his total care on your physical and mental health. Whether it is dad, grandparents or some type of respite program for autistic children. Research it. Check online autistic online services, parenting information.
#6
I’m tired of people trying to make me feel bad because I didn’t want to deal with this nightmare of a diagnosis. I straight up admit I absolutely did not f**king want a special needs child which is why I aborted my first pregnancy - there was a chromosomal abnormality so I noped out real quick.
Got just about every damn test you could with the second pregnancy and everything was fine. But no. Autism.
All I ever f**king wanted was a normal family, is that so much to ask? My life growing up was walking on eggshells because of my mentally ill father and intellectually disabled sister. Then I was free. Only to get dragged back into hell.
I’m tired of all the extravagant accommodations and never ending extra s**t that goes into autism. We’re supposed to bend over backwards to children who only care about their immediate needs and themselves no matter what the f**k anyone else’s needs are - and then we get blamed for churning out entitled a***oles.
I’m tired of this broken f**king kid and never ending heavy burden. While I would never hurt him I can absolutely see how this breaks some parents and these nightmare kids end up getting thrown off a bridge. (I’m not saying I would throw him off a bridge you drama queens, I’m saying I can understand how parents snap)
Pre natal diagnostics needs to get on the f**king ball.
Loverboy 2 years ago
People need to stop attacking you. This is completely understandable, and one of the reasons I don't want kids. I am not prepared for a kid with special needs. There is so much that comes with it, and depending on how bad it is they could end up living a pointless life. I don't want to pass on anything I have, either. It'd be cruel to the child if I were to do that. She didn't end a life because they weren't normal, she aborted a fetus with no emotions or feelings because she didn't want to go through that hell.
Fiona Beswick 2 years ago
Autistic people do not have "no emotion or feelings" Deoending where they are on the spectrum they may have too much! They become withdrawn because of HOW OTHERS TREAT THEM. As soon as school begins, the cruelty starts. It's not just being left out. It's being made to know you are being left out: deliberately, cruelly....even invited somewhere and then everyone goes somewhere else and laughs and laughs. Only recently had it dawned on autism researchers that you can't learn social skills when people viciously isolate you, slam you against the wall, make your head bleed....and the TEACHER then treats you with disdain. "Clean yourself up and stop crying". Kid is not broken. People broke the kid. Pack of bastards, always going on about how empathetic and compassionate they are
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Jane Doe 2 years ago
Thing is - if you absolutely can't live with a special needs child, you shouldn't have a child. Because even if the child is healthy at birth, it could become special needs at any time in life. This person sounds as if therapy might be a good idea.
Zedrapazia 2 years ago
Absolutely, maybe some asshat hits it with a car and it becomes disabled
Load More Replies... and_a_touch_of_the_’tism 2 years ago
I have autism. I have arthritis. My parents have fought tooth and nail to help me get everything I need. I believe that had my mom not fought for medical treatment I would have eventually killed myself rather than keep dealing with that pain, and she is PERFECTLY REASONABLE to resent having to deal with that. But she supports me anyways. This person seems like they hate their child and it would be better if they at least got therapy.
diana king 2 years ago
Everyone on here that is slamming this mother- you are the people that should be ashamed of themselves, not her. She is venting. You have no idea what she deals with, and I bet most of you, if not all of you, don't have any special needs children or at least not severely disabled. It is 100% normal to not want your ENTIRE life to be just about caring for this other person that never will show you love or gratitude or be able to take care of themselves. Effectively ending the mother's chance at having her own happiness in life because every waking second is dedicated to caring for this child. I'm not saying that's how it is with every case. My niece is autistic and though she can never live on her own, she can go about the day and do her own things mostly. But like I said in the beginning, you have no idea of the severity of her kid's disability. I sympathize wholly with her, and all of you folks are coming off as judgemental, self righteous idiots that speak about s**t they know nothing about. D***s.
and_a_touch_of_the_’tism 2 years ago (edited)
Alright, how bout this: I have autism. I totally get why they’re stressed. Autism SUCKS to deal with. I’ve only had a few meltdowns but they’re SCARY. It’s hard. I don’t understand social cues or facial expressions, and I’ve been badly bullied most of my life. If her kid was profoundly autistic, and couldn’t speak or understand people, I get why she would be stressed, because that’s pressure that nobody should have to deal with. But the kid is suffering too. They don’t want to hurt anyone, they just don’t understand. This person seems to really HATE their child and it’s not healthy.
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Zedrapazia 2 years ago
I'd recommend her to give this child up for adoption or admit it to a care home. She obviously can't deal with it and also shouldn't be forced to do so, it'd probably be best for all
BumbleBloom 2 years ago
Its extremely hard to place an older child with special needs for adoption. Most people want healthy babies. The fact is, this child would probably become a ward of the state
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Violet Jensen 2 years ago
I understand why she’s frustrated but let’s not talk about killîng autistic kids because we’re frustrated. If you can’t stand the idea of having a kid with special needs don’t have kids at all. I’m autistic and we’ve been through so much pain and this is how we’re talked about.
Ken Beattie 2 years ago
As the saying goes autism is a spectrum and there is a world of difference between a high functioning person who can still survive and function and someone who is completely unable to care for themselves and effectively requires the parent to be their caregiver until they die. I remember someone talking about it in a different discussion and they really were terrified what would happen when they died because what would happen to their kid after that? From the sound of what the OP wrote they mostly wish they'd been able to effectively make the choice not to have the kid so it never became an issue. Because realistically now there are at least two (maybe more) people who have horrible lives.
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Demolition Lover (He/him) 2 years ago
the f*cking title lmaoooo. Your kid has some different requirements because of their disabilities, well that's part of raising a f*cking child. If you're so scared of that, don't have them, or give them up for adoption. But know that as hard as this is for you, this child is living in a world that is against them, that is exhausting to exist in,That will always see them as a burden, a freak, and a mistake. Like you do. And I'm not trying to say that I hate being autistic. All I want you to know is that as hard as you might think having a disabled child is, it will always, ALWAYS be harder for the child. (let the downvotes begin)
sylvantic 2 years ago
I completely agree with you. This person has some serious ableism and needs therapy. They appear to be incapable of providing the emotional support their kid needs, and while they may never physically harm their child, they are doing a whole lot of emotional damage.
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Monday 2 years ago
How tf does this person expect pre natal diagnostics to predict autism? Your unborn kiddo isn't socializing with anyone, nor is there a varied environment for them to interact with. It would be quite literally impossible for any test to detect it. The absolute earliest signs show up at age 2 months because that's when the brain is developed enough for you to notice any behavioral differences in kiddo.
Adam Jeff 2 years ago
Impossible at the moment, because there are still many things about autism that are not understood, including the underlying causes. But not necessarily impossible in the future. What you're talking about (socialising, interacting with environment) are symptoms of autism. But there are plenty of conditions that we can test for before any symptoms appear.
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BluEyedSeoulite 2 years ago
I feel so bad for this parent. They need so much more support and therapy.
Awesome At Being Autistic 2 years ago
Okay, wow. You have a mentally ill father, and an intellectually disabled sister. You aborted your first pregnancy because of chromosomal abnormalities. Did it ever dawn on you that maybe your genetic profile may not be perfect? Maybe, just maybe take a look at your family, aand yourself, and see what the roll of the dice might turn up when you reproduce. Because that's what reproduction is, a gamble. I'm firmly pro-choice, so no judgement on that, but this person is expecting a perfect child, when she and her genetics are far from perfect.
#7
Just venting... but it just sucks. My wife and I (M - 30s) always agreed we didn't want kids. I was on a waiting list for a vasectomy but she was on the pill since forever.
I guess a soldier slipped, and now all of a sudden abortion is off the table. She wants to give motherhood "a try". It's definitely her body and her right to choose, but I certainly feel betrayed and hurt with all this. I have zero paternal desire in my bones, I value my free time and financial independence, I had hopes to retire in my 40s, but now all this is suddenly ripped from me and I feel like I have no say.
Wish I'd made that appointment sooner. Now I feel resentful towards her, and just not looking forward to my life in 4-5 months at all.
SheDeM 2 years ago
I can understand the OP's feelings here. You two agreed and she went back on her word. Also, one does not "try out" motherhood. It's forever, no returns, no exchanges. Only someone 100% committed to being the best parent they can be should have a child. Kids aren't goldfish. They deserve to be wanted, loved, cherished, and protected. I can only hope OP falls make in love with that baby.
Lisa Simpson 2 years ago
Absolutely! How can one give motherhood 'a try'? A child is not a store bought item that you can return if you don't like it ...No wonder this world is going to hell when everybody can procreate.
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Monday 2 years ago
Yup. This is a good reason to get a divorce. They want different things out of life, their preferred lifestyles are not compatible.
Load More Replies... Loverboy 2 years ago
Sounds like she did this on purpose. Not using birth control despite what they both agreed on should definitely be illegal. Don't give me any of the "her body her choice" s**t. Normally, yes. But doing that is deceiving and manipulative. I'm very sorry, I would file for divorce honestly.
Nikole 2 years ago
Yeah, someone who has been *regularly* and *diligently* taking BC pills “forever” isn’t going to suddenly get pregnant. Obviously there’s a chance, but that chance being so infinitesimal combined with her wanting to to keep her pregnancy after years of saying otherwise makes me VERY suspicious.
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Krysta Pandoo 2 years ago (edited)
This screams babytrap to me. She clearly just changed her mind when she realised you're gonna get the snip.
RedMarbles 2 years ago
It's certainly a possibility but I don't see how it's "clearly" the case.
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hardrad2009 2 years ago
I know that I will be downvoted for this but: 1) "always agreed we didn't want kids", life is a complicated and full of surprises, things can change and completely turn upside down. Nothing ever can be "always" 2) "I guess a soldier slipped", dude are you sixteen? Reproductive male putting his penis into reproductive woman should be ready for consequences, that's just how things works. 3) "Wish I'd made that appointment sooner." Yeah, may be you should, but now it's all on you as much as on her. Life is a b***h sometimes but this situation is also your fault.
Edward Willis 2 years ago
He's not a victim of the pregnancy, he's a victim of his wife changing her mind. The worst possible "consequence" of his behaviour was supposed to be helping his wife through an early-term abortion, which I don't believe is a major process medically speaking. She changed her mind, and that's what he's having to deal with the consequences of. He doesn't seem prepared to have children, and her quote is concerning (as others have explained well), I'm worried for the kid.
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Lost Penny 2 years ago
Doesn't sound like "a soldier slipped" tbh. Sounds like she had done it on purpose.
Gozer LeGozerian 2 years ago
Just as she has a choice, so do you. The child will be born, but you can choose not to be a part of it's life, if that's what you want. No one should be forced to be a parent against their wishes.
tabithapaquette98 2 years ago
You could have used a condom. If you really didn't want kids, it's pretty easy to do.
Nathan Wolfe 2 years ago
Explain fully that plans had been set to never have kids and that's what you still want. It's not her choice if you're a parent or not. You took steps to prevent it, and I'm willing to bet she stopped the pill without discussion. So you took prevention measures and had no say. So tell her if she wants to be a mom, she can do it alone.
Max Fox 2 years ago
Doesn't matter. If you have unprotected sex, and you have not had a vasectomy, there is always the possibility of a child. If the person does not want to have a kid, they should separate. As for the cost - again, it was his decision to have sex, and a child is a well known side effect of sex. "She was on the pill" so therefore he decided that he does not have to take precautions. His choice, and this is the result of his choice. He had a say - he could have put on a condom, or not had sex. That was his choice, and that was when he had his say. SO he should stop whining, put on his Big Boy pants, and decide whether he wants to be a father or a sperm donor + financial supporter. Those are his choices now, that is were he has his say.
#8
Some of my younger coworkers were talking about why they don't want kids, and I just felt this sinking feeling inside me. I wish I had been more true to myself and continued with my knowledge that I never wanted kids, but I felt maternal feelings that were actually just a part of loving my now husband. A baby wasn't the answer to my body's question, but we thought it was. I thought this is what I wanted at that point and then I did it and I hate it. I love my daughter (she is 3) but if I had the opportunity to go back in time I would never have gotten pregnant. I learned the hard way that "I want to have a baby with this person" is a very different thing from "I want to be a parent".
So I envy my coworkers who are currently in that position of knowing they don't want kids and wanting to sleep in and hang out with friends and do whatever they want without either dragging a kid along or trying to find childcare. That was me and then I made a life altering decision I now have to live with.
LuckyL 2 years ago
Okay, I commented on another post. But THIS is what I feel. And also, one of my good friends is pregnant, 6th month after 2 failed pregnancies. And I wondered all the time, if I should tell her, how I feel. But at the same time - you can't really understand how it is, until you can't change it anymore.
A. Starhawk Hunt 2 years ago
It would not be productive. she has no practical way, at 6 months, to bow out. A mistake has been made, in your view, but after two failed pregnancies, she has been trying to have a child. It would not be kind to let her know you feel bad about your choice, but I doubt she does. She is more likely to want children and you would possibly hurt her if she has persisted trying after two miscarriages.
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Fiona Beswick 2 years ago
How different it all is in Hong Kong. Here we have well paid domestic helpers (building their own property empires back home, before the usual accusations begin, never known a helper who wasn't very well set, plus plenty of time off and an escape from misogynistic societies) Women aren't meant to do this alone
Suna Amun 2 years ago
I don't know where you live, but women are forced to give birth DAILY. No matter the laws or whether it's social pressure, laws, or plain coercion. You should check your damn privilege and not victim blame women who feel alone, and like monsters even though they are trying their very best. You seem like a horrible human being and I hope no one has the misfortune of having you for a parent.
Load More Replies... #9
Just a rant.. we had a bad morning. 50/50 custody of 5 year old. Shy around other adults. And with her peers , she is bad with sharing, brags a lot, competitive and a sore loser. She has no friends because other moms have decided she’s too “mean”.
I know that it’s all mostly my fault. I haven’t been that great of a mom. I really have tried but it’s been so hard. I’m in tears right now writing this. I work so hard to keep a good, warm home. I only work school hours so she’s never had before or after school care, every single thing I do, I do for her. And it’s never good enough. And I’m fried. I’ll never meet a person who would want to share a life with me with this ungrateful, angry, rude little person who I’m now stuck with for the next decade and a half.
Not really looking for advice. Just a place to say the things that I really should never say out loud to anyone. I feel like I want to start drinking and it’s only 9:30 in the f**king morning..
Nikole 2 years ago
The daughter is definitely picking up on mom’s feelings about her
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Iwanna Iguana 2 years ago
Don't have any pets. Good people can give birth to bad beings and it's not their fault.
Skulls.N.Succulents 2 years ago
I wonder what the dad is doing to help the kid not be a terror if mom is giving her all and nothing seems to be working.
The Starsong Princess 2 years ago
I wonder what came first - the drinking, resentful mother or the “bad kid”. The child sounds incredibly insecure.
Beck 2 years ago
When my teenage boys were around 7 and 8 my now 25 years old daughter would say she is never having kids. She still sticks to that too this day and I 100% support her decision. Her and her boyfriend own their home, both have college degrees and great jobs they love, and a spoiled rotten cat. They are happy as can be and I am happy for them💜
Max Fox 2 years ago
Now is the time to reach out and ask for help. There are therapists for the kid as well as for her, she needs to speak with the other parent. The kid is only five and this behavior can be turned around. I just feel that the attitude of " she’s never had before or after school care, every single thing I do, I do for her" is the root of all the problems. She's taught the kid that she is the center of her mother's life, and therefore expects to be the center of other kid's lives. I have a sneaking suspicion that the mother does not discipline the child either. Again, profession support is needed, sooner rather than later, and the other parent needs to be on board. One of the most spoiled kids I knew when she was 5, was, by the age of 9, one of the most empathetic and warm kids of her group. Professional help was a huge part of this.
#10
I'm 26 this year, so a bit too old for my mother to have had the internet as a support network the way people do now, but I wish she did and could have whined it out here when I was younger instead of constantly making me feel like an unwanted piece of s**t when I was growing up with all her comments like "having you ruined my body", "I used to have a fun life before you came along", "I'd have a better job if I didn't have to pick you up from school every day", "having a baby young ruins you life", "your father trapped me when he got me pregnant" (I was born in a country where abortion was very hard to get at the time. You basically had to be very rich and able to afford a very high end clinic that would take bribes to give you the illegal at the time abortion pill). I don't resent her for regretting and disliking parenthood. I'm childfree myself so I totally get it. But I resent her for how she handled it. I have all sorts of mental health issues as a result of being unwanted and hearing about it all the time. Just let people vent here. Better they vent here instead of to their kids.
LeeAnne B 2 years ago
Yeah, mine got pregnant with me at 17 and spent the rest of our time together making it my problem.
Sassawrasse 2 years ago
Your story and mine are extremely similar, down to the things she'd say to you. My mom had me for the attention, and once I was no longer a baby, she had my brother to replace me. And she did the same thing to him.
tabithapaquette98 2 years ago
I'm sorry she took it out on you. It wasn't your fault. You were the result of her actions. What a horrible person.
#11
I have one child. One and done. Last and only. If l am honest, it was an unwanted and surprise pregnancy. I hated absolutely everything about being pregnant. Breast feeding made me feel like a cow. I had serious PPD. My child was fussy, always had a cold or teething (or both) and generally a difficult baby. I have a protective bond but if I could magically wave a wand and start again, I'd be child-free. My marriage was never the same after the baby. My husband has a huge family who wants us to have more kids and I still hear about it. My husband adores our child who is about to turn 5. If I'm honest, I sometimes fantasize about running away and getting a little one bedroom place of my own. He can go for it solo. I hate being a parent. My kid is sweet, but the prospect of dealing for another decade and change is beyond words depressing. I often feel like I'd rather just be a cool aunt and connect occasionally instead of 24/7. But the worst? The Warrior Mommies. The women who constantly tell me how lucky I am. Who think everything about motherhood is a goddamn art form. Who shame and blame if you don't join in their whole "go mama! This is your purpose on earth! Let's celebrate it!" natural birth/co sleep/breastfeed til they are 5 kind of rah rah BS. I loathe and despise this. I have withdrawn from friendships with women like these. I now seem only to spend time with child free people when I get a moment to actually socialize. I just wish people were honest. Not everyone finds parenting rewarding. Not everyone thinks birth is a magical experience or that breast milk is manna from heaven. My husband does not understand why I'm not more enthusiastic. I wish regretful moms had more of a voice.
JokerMan774 2 years ago
Ok now this one I can understand. It was completely honest and I completely understand where you're coming from.
Lisa Simpson 2 years ago
Those 'mommies' are the worst. If you are so happy to be a mom, then why do you feel the need to meddle in other people's lives and child raising? Live your own 'perfect' lives and leave other people alone!
Gozer LeGozerian 2 years ago
Just saying that men have left their families for millenia because they couldn't/wouldn't want to deal with the responsibility of it all. So can women.
Olivia Dean 2 years ago
I can only judge from what I see from American movies (I know, but it seems pretty ubiquitous), but there does sopese to be acceptance of stay at home mums, and mothers that invest 90% of themselves. It's more balanced in Australia overall.. kids are important, but fit in better. Also, post pandemic everything just turned to s**t in general, in Melbourne anyway where we had over 6 months of lockdown. Life will never be the same
HardieBoysMama 2 years ago
I'm so sick of seeing, "I just wish people were honest." Here is my honesty...I love and adore my 5 boys. I love being a Mama. I will love on and pour into your child. I understand parenthood isn't for everyone, but it's not like every parent is being dishonest who say they enjoy it. Some parents, like me, do honestly enjoy it. If you don't enjoy it, you don’t, but don't try to convince yourself that people aren't being honest about enjoying parenthood just because you don't.
#12
My daughter is 2. Her pregnancy wasn’t very planned, the pregnancy was difficult, the birth was hell, and the postpartum was a living nightmare coping with a permanent injury from the birth. I had a surgery 1 year after it and finally started to feel better about 6 months ago.
Every single night when work is over, or I have to leave an appt to come home, I just don’t want to. I just sit in my car alone honestly for several minutes. It feels like I can’t move my entire body, it feels like climbing Mount Everest to start the car and actually drive it home. I’ve never felt dread like this in my life. Or I sit in the driveway after I’ve arrived and just feel like I physically can’t pull myself inside. I just can’t do it.
It’s not that I don’t want to see my husband or daughter. It’s the mountain of responsibilities that fill me with dread. The incessant needs. I can’t do it anymore. Yesterday I just sat in my car for 30 minutes.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just don’t want this life, I don’t want it. It’s been a living nightmare. None of it is rewarding. Maybe im just an antisocial psychopath. What kind of monster doesn’t find having a child rewarding?
(Yes I’ve been in therapy for 8 years and I’m on medication for anxiety/depr. Plz don’t tell me to look into those things. I care deeply about my health and have had to fight/scream for medical care the last 3 years and I’ve exhausted every Avenue.)
SheDeM 2 years ago
I'm so sorry hon. I'm sending a virtual hug. I wonder if you can take a break? Are there grandparents around to help while you take a week to yourself?
Lisa 2 years ago
If you want to reply to the OOP, click the link to the original thread posted one month ago. It only has 65 replies so the OOP will likely read it. BP just takes a insane amount of content from reddit.
Load More Replies... Skulls.N.Succulents 2 years ago
There is no mention of the husband adding to the stress or helping with the stress. If he is just as needy as the child THAT might be the cause. A child is needy. And honestly it never seems to get easier, their needs just change. Even as adults they tend to need your advice and that's hard too. But if her husband isn't assisting in any way it's making this a million times harder than it normally is.
Polly Walsh 2 years ago
Get your husband and kids to do their share....ir get a cleaning service ir other help etc
#13
I'm a regretful SAHM to a 3yo. Not a "I love my child but I hate being a mom" parent either, I feel responsibility and obligation towards my kid, but I don't love them. I try my best to hide it cos I know they deserve better, I tell them I love them, I'm affectionate, etc. But I'm counting down the days til they start school and I finally get a break. (Can't afford daycare, no babysitters)
I've seen people comment on tiktoks and articles about this subreddit with stuff like "well don't have a kid if you don't actually want them!" Or "some people can't have kids so you should be grateful!" Well newsflash to those holier than thou observers: you don't know you're going to be a regretful parent til you become a parent, and then there's no going back.
This kid was planned, wanted, years in the making. Every period was a crushing disappointment. We were looking into fertility treatment when we finally conceived, but miscarried that pregnancy at 8 weeks. I tried to see the silver lining of "well at least now we know we can get pregnant!" But I was devastated at the time. Now I know nature was trying to save me from this hell. A few months after the MC, we got pregnant again and this one stuck. I was cautious after the MC, but optimistic. I sang and talked to my bump, looked forward to meeting my baby.
Some people say their whole universe shifts when they meet their baby, and they fall instantly in love. But plenty of articles try to reassure you that that doesn't happen to everyone, so don't worry too much if you're not immediately smitten, it'll come in time, etc.
None of them said I would look at my baby for the first time and my first thought would be "I've made a huge mistake". And that was before the sleep deprivation began.
It's harder than I ever thought it could possibly be. There are no breaks, because even on the very rare occasion that I do get to go out alone, I know I have to come home so I'm never truly relaxing. Never truly able to get back to a baseline level of happiness. I feel like I'd need at least two weeks away to even begin to feel like a human being again.
I could list all the reasons why, but most people in this sub already know. The never ending monotony, the lack of time, money, agency, being touched out and over stimulated constantly, etc.
Recently some friends told me they were thinking about having a kid and without even thinking about it, I blurted out "oh god, why?!" I genuinely cannot recall a single reason I wanted a child, though I know I had some at the time. Other friends have posted pregnancy or birth announcements on social media, and I cannot bring myself to lie and say congratulations. There's nothing to congratulate, the poor idiots are about to ruin their lives, and they're doing it by choice, just like I did.
And I know I can't warn them, because it's not an acceptable thing to say, and they would never believe me. I also try and remind myself that other people obviously do not experience parenthood the same way as me, cos otherwise they'd all stop at one kid like I've done, but I honestly don't know what it is they're getting from this experience that I'm not. It's not rewarding or fulfilling or makes life worth living or any of the other trite clichés people trot out about having children. It's just hell.
Lisa Simpson 2 years ago
This is because people have unrealistic expectations when it comes to raising children. I know people who regretted and even suffering from depression because 'that's not how they imagined it' and thought 'raising kids will be rainbows and butterflies'. Life is not what we see in the movies or youtube ads - you know, happy families, everybody wearing white clothes, nobody gets dirty, mom comes from work with a big smile on her face, kids are never misbehaving etc
Polly Walsh 2 years ago
It is very hard work when they're little ...get daycare.. or family to help...it gets better when they're more independent and find things to do in common...eg play cards or games or go for walks...etc..
#14
You know that feeling you get at the tail-end of winter, when it feels like you haven't had the sun on your face for ages? It feels like it's been cold forever, and every morning feels gray, and you look forward to spring when you won't have to put on your boots and coat to scrape the ice off your car while you freeze your a*s off?
Imagine trying to explain that feeling to someone who's spent their whole life in the tropics. You can complain about the cold, but it's not really the cold. It's not the snow, either. And having to put on boots in the morning, or drive a car on icy roads? None of these things seem like a big deal in isolation. Even combined, they don't seem overwhelming to an outsider. Anybody can do winter for a while.
It's really the bitter endlessness of it. Waking up to it day after day after goddamn day. The dark, the cold. The petty frustrations that together are more than the sum of their parts.
That's what being a parent has been like for me. Only, instead of being able to look forward to spring, the only thing on the horizon is more winter. Decades of winter. I know that sounds melodramatic, but I swear it's the best analogy I can think of.
It's bleak. And it can be harder still knowing that you chose this. You could be sitting in Mexico under the hot sun, salsa dancing and sipping margaritas. But instead, you picked 18 years of winter. Possibly more. And that decision can seem very, very stupid when you're shoveling your driveway while subzero winds blow snow in your face.
Ken Beattie 2 years ago (edited)
They're not mutually exclusive. Of course no real explanation why they feel the 18+ years they're going to "winter" with their child is that bad make it hard to empathise with the OP.
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Jeroen de Wijn 2 years ago
Again with the forced posititivity. NO. For some people there will not be that magical feeling. Haven't you understood anything for all these posts here? Also, you are talking to a void, this was a post on reddit by someone that removed their account so luckily they do not get to see your inappropriate response. I am sure you mean well, but for f's sake read the room.
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High Mamii Melo 2 years ago
This post is about why people regret having kids, so, no, nothing on this list is written by someone who is concerned with only themselves.
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#15
If you only have one kid and you are regretful or straight up not having a good time, DONT HAVE ANOTHER. Not even when they tell you that it will be easier because they can play together. Not even when your partner begs you. Not even when you feel like your kid needs a sibling. Just don’t do it. I have seen SO MANY PEOPLE that have more kids because they feel like they are supposed to. Because they feel like if they don’t they will irreparably damage their kid.
Your child will be fine. Stay with one. It is a thousand times easier.
Signed,
An only child who turned out just fine.
Monica Michelle 2 years ago
Just make sure not to make that one kid your only hobby. It is rough living under a microscope
Courtney Davis 2 years ago
If I had a dollar for every person over the years that asked me when I was going to give my son a sibling, I would be a millionaire. He is 17 now and people still ask, because “you’re still young”. I had him at 18. People can’t fathom not producing a sibling for your child and it’s BS. He and I have the best relationship and I don’t regret leaving him as an “only” for one minute.
Gary Geracci 2 years ago
Being a single child for nine years was neat! I don't think Mom was ready for #2 though.Just by the way she acted around her. Reality is a b***h. We were raised by the grandparents.
L Coffeen 2 years ago (edited)
I'm OAD and was also an only child. I thought I wanted two, was even planning kid number 2 when pregnant with number one. Then I realized this is so much harder and I wanted to do this sh*t again?! No thank you. Only children can thrive just as much as ones with siblings. I know for a fact a second kid would make me miserable.
Cthulhu Kitty 2 years ago
I don't regret at all being an only child and I am just fine. Do I wish for that bond? Sure, but not guaranteed. I see plenty of people who hate their siblings, were abused or molested by then. I'm cool with what I had
#16
I've written a huge post before how frustrating my child is because her ADHD makes her so damn difficult. Therapists are at a loss with her. There is a real possibility I'll have to quit my job to home school her because her school can't handle her. But apparently this makes me ableist. I'm so sick of it. It is so challenging to have that kid, and I resent that my frustration with it is labeled as "ableist". I feel like most people who had to raise a child like mine would regret and regret it too.....
SheDeM 2 years ago
I was a teacher and I'm here to say that not all children are perfect, delightful little angels. I've had some who were so bad, obnoxious, destructive, and disruptive that they ruined the school year for me and every other kid in my class. What do we do, even societally, with the children who just can't be reformed?
DC 2 years ago (edited)
I was one of these. After I was told, several times, about my own intentions and thoughts, repeated even after I corrected them. I was accused of "having acted out against XYZ", when I really needed to go to the bathroom, didn't get permission by our teacher, but tried to go anyway because it just was not possible to hold it any longer. Said XYZ grabbed me, and when I shook lose, started scream-crying. My reason for the so-called acting out? I didn't get it my ways, equal to I was not allowed to go to the bathroom. Several other cases even a five year old sees that it is abused authority by people lacking the skills needed for such a task, but are praised and trusted, even in regard to somebody else's thoughts, even above those who thinked the thoughts. The constant accusations made me finally realize that, if I am accused and even punished anyway, I could just as well do it myself, even if it does no good but just disrupt this brainless system of equalization of the wrong kind. I only regret I stopped every time I made a teacher cry - the feeling of powerlessness, when you're accused, called a liar and punished without having done anything, it seems, didn't really click with that old nasty witch, she didn't stop. She did not stop when I wet myself, to again and again, deny access to bathroom. Why did I stop? Because I'm nowhere near as evil as Mrs. H. is. I was too weak and too compassionate, honestly, then. There are other teachers, different ones, better ones, but the system they work in usually doesn't reward difference, quite the opposite. Silliest reason for a punishment? Looking out the window before her favourite, oh-so-smart kid - a girl from a religiously-wacky family, of course a better human than unbaptized boys even can imagine to be - had finished our timewastery of that lesson. I had finished first and dared to allow others to somehow get that, by "not looking into your book as if your cared". No, no. Many, most of the so-called problem children are the best human beings that, I hope, may resist the forces of uniformity and blind obedience and don't allow lazy old prejudiced witches to crush them. Even delayed finally ending her career in teaching so that I and my parents wouldn't know until after I changed schools. For exactly that reason, she told a classmate's Mum.
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Allen Packard 2 years ago
I have ADHD and one of my son's inherited it from me. It gets better with age. This doesn't probably help you right now but there is light at the end of the tunnel my friend.
Natalia Allen 2 years ago
I have a 16.5 year old daughter, recently assessed for this (A/w results) after years of trying to get any kind of help. She stole my car in the middle of the night while I was sleeping last weekend and smashed it up completely along with another car so I find hope in your words.
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Cthulhu Kitty 2 years ago
School system and mental health or learning disabilities suck. You need to keep failing to get the help you need in US. Not sure about other countries. As someone with ADHD and coach parents through getting 504s and IEPs, I know it's an uphill battle
The Chronic Insomniac 2 years ago
My oldest son has severe ADHD. He's 32 years old now, but raising him was horrible. I never wanted children and was talked out of an abortion. Then I moved in with a guy who suddenly inherited full custody of his two boys when the mother got on drugs and lost custody 6 months after I moved in. Worst 10 years of my life.
#17
Never getting enough sleep? Constant whining and crying? Going to battle at every meal? Constant anxiety? Curing a cold while having a cold? Not a single moment to yourself? Always needing to do laundry? Always needing to do dishes? Strained relationship with partner? Judgement from parents? Surrendering your tidy home? Losing your identity? Falling behind at work? Worrying about expenses?
Why do we do this?
LooseSeal's $10 Banana 2 years ago
I know every experience is unique, but I was away for the weekend and when I got back my 2.5 year old daughter jumped into my arms and said "Daddy home!! I missed you daddy!" And damn if that wasn't the greatest thing ever.
Beck 2 years ago
When my 2 youngest hit around 10 and 12 and I realized they could get themselves up for school and make it 20 yards away to the bus and sometimes if we do not cook they van make their own hot pockets and things like that is when I realized there is still LIFE AND SLEEP AFTER KIDS. It is wonderful. So i understand these womens frustrations. Just know that they do grow up and will move away.
Fiona Beswick 2 years ago
This is what's gone wrong, this thing that you have to wait til they are 12 to do that! I grew up in the 70s. By age 7 I took myself to school, and also my little sister. I picked her up afterwards and took her home....I was the last kid to get a latch key, made me so mad mum wouldn't let us wait indoors. Of course it was fine! We didn't set fire to the house or have an accident. If there had been, I knew what to do. I could clean my own room, help with housework, babysit....it was normal for 10 year old to be left while parents had a few hours out. I loved it, actually. In summer all kids were out all day. I went swimming in my bike, at 7 am. I came home at 6pm for tea. Bed at 8 or 9. No "battles". Parents were law, not your buddy. This child rearing is raising kids who don't even have identities . Look how they keep searching for labels. Saying they have mental illness...and that's a label. They have parents who never leave then alone. You interfere all the time.
Load More Replies... Monday 2 years ago
Not a single moment to yourself and losing your identity are not part of parenthood though. Or rather they shouldn't be. I don't have kids so I might be totally wrong, but parenthood should just tack on another piece of you, add to your identity. Sure it might overlap some parts that don't fit anymore, but letting "parent" just be everything you are sounds like a surefire way to end up resenting your kid unintentionally.
Natalia Allen 2 years ago
Sometimes that happens to people through no fault of their own though. I had a good job, 10 year partner, the child was planned and wanted. Good friends and family support network. Child was born, partner decided it wasn't for him and left. Made redundant, best friend died, mother died, other friends faded away as they did not have children and their lives continued. I had no support, no family and friends around me any longer. Was it unintentional, absolutely but it happened and try as I did to dig my way out that was all that was left and being a single parent with no support meant that was all I was for years.
Load More Replies... Belinda Milner 2 years ago
Why indeed?! I had my kids young because God? The universe? Mother Nature? knew I wouldn't cope later ... I raised 3 of my own who all inherited depression from me, but insist I've done a reasonable job. BUT, I am now raising two granddaughters (one turned 18 yesterday and is doing okay, but also suffers from clinical depression), the youngest (8y.o) is autistic. Their mother, my eldest is to put it bluntly, a useless mother. I feel that I have no choice but to take care of my granddaughters because I shudder to think what their lives would be like otherwise. They deserve a decent shot at live. Same with my kids so they know I love them and I've always done my best (whatever that was at the moment). But now here I sit with all of this AND MORE. Autism is a living nightmare. Many are the days I wish I'd sewn my vagina closed when I was a young adult. I honestly wish I'd never had children.
Featherking 2 years ago
In all fairness, kids with autism don’t have to be a nightmare. I wasn’t, according to my parents. Different, yes, but not in a bad way. I’m sorry you got a more difficult case in your hands, though, that can be very rough.
Load More Replies... #18
I was raised as a Mormon in a very traditionally Mormon household. The only thing I was raised and bred to do was to raise and breed more babies. That was my only calling, education and careers were never emphasized. I was sent to college for an “MRS. degree”, to find a man who would make enough money to take care of me so I could be the 50’s STAHM I had been training my entire life for. I had an inkling at 21 that I didn’t like children when I worked at a daycare. But I ignored it. I had my child at 24 which was “old.” 4 months after he was born I had my “oh s**t” moment. I didn’t like motherhood. This was NOT what all the Mormon women in Relief Society and my Young Women leaders told me it would be my entire life. There are moments where I’ve felt true delirium. From the sleeplessness. There’s no other word to describe it. He’s 3 now. I’m a single mom. I left the Mormon church. I never finished college. He was just diagnosed with autism and I’m calculating all the bills that are on the horizon with insurance and ABA therapy. I feel like I’ll never be able to get ahead. I work full time and side hustle and donate plasma where I can. My village is tiny and all prices for everything keep rising. I miss taking care of myself, my body exists only to labor. Im 27 but I feel 37. When I look in the mirror I see nothing but a tired, empty, broken wisp of who I was and who I wish I could be. I blame the church for never giving me other options than motherhood. I didn’t know I could be something else. What dreams would I have had? I love my son but I’ll never have another.
Must Be Bored Again 2 years ago
Look into social security disability benefits for your child, if he qualifies that may help with some of the issues you are facing.
Ellie 2 years ago
That's kind of the whole point of this post, what else did you expect?
Load More Replies... #19
I have wanted to adopt kids (not babies) since I was a teenager. Just realized yesterday that I have tokophobia. I NEVER wanted to give birth and thankfully haven't. But my husband and I did adopt 2 children from Poland (They were 8 & 9), hopeful that we would give them a happy, loving home and family. They had Reactive Attachment Disorder (and other disorders) and made life hell. Our son was incredibly violent. I won't go into detail but tell one story. He was sent to a behavioral hospital for the first time at 10. I told the therapist there that I was afraid he'd someday rape me or kill me. Her response: "It's good that you recognize that.". Daughter was less violent. Both were manipulative, disrespectful, selfish, gaslighting, and self-sabotaging. Daughter also became a shoplifter. She stole from me a LOT too. And she binge ate our food. Both are now grown. Son left our home the last time at 14 (to another behavioral hospital which suggested we NOT pick him up) and became a ward of the state. Daughter left 5 months short of 17. Our home is now peaceful. Our finances have improved. We're not calling cops to our house every few weeks--or days. I am no contact with them--and several family members who turned against me based on our kids' lies. They can still contact my husband. Our son has from time to time. We haven't heard from our daughter in years. I do regret having adopted them. But I'm grateful to be past them now. Of I could go back and talk to the me who so wanted to adopt that it hurt every Mother's Day, I'd tell her that she's better off with cats, to save the money for retirement or travel or anything but adoption. The chances are just too high that she'd end up with kids who couldn't love, and who would try to destroy everything she cared about. She could host foreign students maybe. (We can't now, thanks to CPS blaming us when the problems actually stemmed from early childhood trauma from their neglectful and abusive birthparents.) I used to be a real advocate for adoption. I'm not anymore. I wish I was just childless.
Aline 2 years ago
To anyone adopting, not being able to spend time with the child as part of the adoption process is a huge red flag. Visits are important for both parents and children, before just being shipped off to a stranger's house, you have to build trust. If an agency is not willing to let you do that, they aren't looking out for the children, and won't have given good care up to that point. Don't give them business. They only stay operational because people are desperate enough to cut corners or don't really consider children people, but accessories. Either way, those people should not be parents. The tendencies described in this post would have been showing at the time of adoption, yet no serious care/therapy was given or disclosed. Stories like this are why so many are scared off adoption. Go though a responsible agency, and this won't happen.
M Calad 2 years ago (edited)
My mom volunteered to assist a couple from Europe that came to my town to adopt 3 siblings (11, 8 and 4 yo). As a protocol, the couple had to live with the kids for a month prior to full adoption. That month was a living hell for this couple. The 11 year old was so violent that even tried to attack the "mother" with kitchen knives when he didn'tget what he wanted. He threw things, punched, yelled, stole. The "father" wanted to quit after the first week but the mother insisted to try out of pity, especially because she bonded with the youngest one. My mom did her best trying to talk with the kids and mediate, but it was imposible. After 3 weeks, the "father" said enough is enough and decided to stop the adoption process. The mother wanted to adopt the youngest one but it was illegal to separate the siblings. Very tough. They eventually adopted 3 siblings from another city with whom they bonded instantly and it all went fine.
Three_mental_illnesses 2 years ago
as an adopted child, this is so very valid. I was adopted less than a year after my mom died, and I can't bring myself to think of the people that adopted me as my parents. I call them Mom and Dad bc I have to. they're also narcissistic bastards, so there's that. but still.
Michelle Carlson 2 years ago
I have a friend who adopted two kids and had this same experience. Absolutely brutal and she poured out her life for those kids. Devastating.
#20
I’ll preface with saying that I do love my children , but It absolutely drains every single part of my being. To the point where I’m not sure I can keep going much longer. I hate how I went undiagnosed with a neurological disorder my entire life until recently, which makes being a parent/partner so damn difficult. I could have made better choices had I known. I hate that I grew up thinking because I was a girl, having kids was just part of life. I hate how we don’t normalize conversations surrounding the topic of NOT having children. I hate that I even feel this way. Not like they asked to be here. So I go through the motions and try my best . For them. But what I wouldn’t give to go back 20 years and make different choices.
#21
I love my child now he is here but I never wanted a child. My husband did. I put it off and then he ended up moving over to my side of the fence. In the end we agreed not to renew my contraception.
I was expecting it to be hard but not this hard. It’s horrendous. I’m done.
JokerMan774 2 years ago
It's amazing how many of these stories say "oh I love my child....but I never wanted them and want them out of my life....but I love them". Do you listen to yourselves???
#22
Parent to a 3 and 4 year old. I do not believe any parent actually enjoys their children or doesn't regret having kids. Everytime I see a picture and caption of how much a parent loves their kid and it's all smiles and giggles, I think that people post these things for likes to get a little dopamine surge to counterbalance the s**tstorm their life has become.
I wish more people were honest about parenthood. I wish I knew whether people actually felt immediate bonding with their babies and genuinely enjoy their kids, because I am convinced it's all a facade to ease the hollowness of parenthood.
Loverboy 2 years ago
I get you don't like your child, but some parents genuinely love and could not be without their kid. Some people are happy, and of course it's not all smiles and giggles, but it makes them feel good. I think people aren't always honest about it, but don't just assume everyone resents it because you do.
Monday 2 years ago
Yup. My mother is one of those people who just...likes being a mom. She wasn't always perfect of course, she was very young when she had me, but with my brothers she's been the absolute best mom. Key thing is that being a mom isn't her whole life though, she always had other things in her life and her kids were just a big, happy part of it.
Load More Replies... Jane Doe 2 years ago (edited)
While I do not want to judge or negate the poster's feelings, it's kind of projecting to assume every parent is miserable. I loved my children from the day I made the pregnancy test, and yes, I had immediate bonding. I love and enjoy spending time with them. However, I also love taking a break from them. I have great parents, work parttime and my husband and I often take turns giving the other some time to oneself. I love my life even though it's often exhausting and I know many who feel the same.
SheDeM 2 years ago
I deeply bonded with my daughters, who are now grown and on their own. I LOV being a mom- still do- but GOOD LORD IN HEAVEN ABOVE, it was EXHAUSTING. And don't get me started on the long, dark nightmare of the teen years. Surprised we all survived, cuz it seemed like the only choices were homicide or suicide some days
morticia_b85 2 years ago
The pictures you see online are just a fraction of the story. We all have arguments, telling you kids 50 million times to put shoes on and inside not even wanting to go to the park, just wanting to sit alone in silence but you get on with it and make memories and 98% of the time it's worth it. Sometimes it's just a disaster of a day for everyone. I instantly loved my babies when I had them and I wouldnt even want to imagine how sh!tty my life would be without them. That doesn't mean that they don't drive me nuts or sometimes drive me to tears. I'm a single mother and it's bloody hard being 2 parents 24/7 but there has never been regret in having them. Being a parent isn't for everyone and that's OK. It's horrible that people feel shame for finding it overwhelming or fu€king hard.
LonelyLittleLeafSheep 2 years ago (edited)
I have 2 grown boys and they still make life hell. Do I love them? Yes. Do I wish I had never had kids? H*ll yes! I was young and stupid and bought into the societal c**p that says everyone should get married and have a family. They were both unplanned. They destroyed my body, my finances, and my life plans. Too late to go back now but if I could go back I would never have children. You are not alone in how you feel.
Bertha Madott 2 years ago
Many years ago when I was very ill my mother told me that if I died she wouldn't survive me. We had an incredibly strong bond. When my mom died at age 95+ I broke down at the funeral
Apocalypse Whippet 2 years ago
I don’t know about everyone else, but my parents, their parents, and ALL our friends and relatives—pretty much everyone I know—genuinely loves their children and has never regretted having them. Some of them have eleven, eight, and nine children! My own family is eight kids and it is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
#23
I mean there’s currently f**king YOGURT splattered all over the kitchen and living room and yogurt handprints all over the front door, back door and living room window. Why? You see I just cleaned the windows! You helped me! Why do this??? There are like 80 legos in the bathtub and bathroom sink. I opened the fridge and the milk was tipped over on the top shelf and poured over everything. How? She’s 3 feet tall! There’s literally HUMAN POOP smeared on the couch. How??? She’s fully dressed and wearing a diaper! This has all happened this morning WHILE IM CLEANING THE HOUSE and is like this all the time. I can’t get ahead of it. I can’t live in squalor but no matter how much I try to clean, it gets completely destroyed instantly. Faster than instantly. Simultaneously. This is one three year old child. She is an agent of pure destruction and chaos and filth. And she works fast. And she never f**king stops. This has been today’s insane rant/screaming into the void. Thank you for reading.
SheDeM 2 years ago
I had one I called Destructo Baby. Destroying everything, making messes faster than I could clean them, getting into EVERYTHING was her super power. My EX-husband thought our house was a constant mess because I was just lazy. Truth: I didn't stop all day long, from the time she woke up until I put her to bed, every damn day. I feel you, girl! The good news? She's now an adult in her mid 20s. Smart, funny, super organized, best and tidy, and very successful. I couldn't be more proud of her, and we are super close, too. Hang in there. And hire help if you possibly can!
Brandie Litchfield 2 years ago
Oh Lord I feel this deep in my soul! Idk how it happens, but these babies are wild. Somehow they're just EXTRA
Polly Walsh 2 years ago
Go to other people places or send her on playdates or to daycare ..lock the doors of the rooms you don't need ...get a child therapist to help.... I heard if parents who put the kids outside during the day...only came in to go to bed or dinner
Ken Beattie 2 years ago
At three years old I don't think therapy is quite called for yet. I think it's more control the living areas. Kid gets into fridge - put a lock on fridge. Yoghurt splattered everywhere - supervise kid while it's eating yoghurt. I also think the idea of a spotless home should be thrown out when you have a really young child. Rather it should become "acceptable level of mess".
Load More Replies... #24
In my close circles of acquaintances, I have several women who were all ambivalent about having children or staying CF but in all of the cases it was overwhelmingly the men who convinced them to have kids. I think it might be because women come into contact with household and child rearing duties sooner and more frequently than men which is why men have this strange Disney-like notion about having children.
Was it similar for some of you or just the opposite?
Loverboy 2 years ago
Yeah, lot of pressure by not only men but society, religion. As a man I do not want chldren though.
Lisa Simpson 2 years ago
Yes, religion often plays a great role. There are so many religious men out there who think that women should stay at home and raise as many kids as possible.
Load More Replies... morticia_b85 2 years ago
My first child was both of us wanting to get pregnant. (1st child for me, second child for him) that was an eye opener, between morning sickness constantly for 6 solid months, a horrific and traumatic birth and then PND, It was a shock. Love my kids more than life but doing it all from day dot was hard work. My 2nd baby was a "baby trap" I was adamant I didn't want more kids and told my 2nd child's father to go to someone else if that's what he really wanted. Let's just say, SOME men can be very underhanded and get a woman pregnant without consent. When I thought about an abortion I was shamed daily by him and his mother. As soon as baby was born I cried that I even contemplated the abortion because I just love my kids but father of the year got annoyed waking up during the night while I was doing nappy changes and breathing feeding and decided to go back to his Mother to have his lie ons and full nights sleep and a single man life while I was literally left holding the baby.
Paddling Panda 2 years ago
Ugh. I'm glad you're not taking it out on the kids, but their dad sounds like a dud. I wish you the very best support as you raise them. xo
Load More Replies... Bridget Connors 2 years ago
I dated a guy for 3-4 years. When we first started seeing each other, before we even went on our first date, I told him I never wanted kids. He said the same. After we had been dating a couple of years, he says to me, I'd like to have a couple of kids. I told him, what part of I never want kids didn't you understand? That was the beginning of the end of that relationship!
Ken Beattie 2 years ago
I think it goes both ways. Plenty of women want kids and their partners are ambivalent but willing to go along because "it keeps the missus happy" and why not, not like they have to give birth.
Mama Penguin 2 years ago
A lot of pressure from society, certainly. I made it clear when I was dating that I do not want a child and I will not date someone who has children. My husband was on the fence about having kids (leaning more towards no kids), but by the time we got married, we were both firmly on the same page. We've been married for 2.5 years now and we're glad we're childfree.
30_Helens_Agree 2 years ago
So your wife hates all other women for no reason you think that’s a good thing? Gross.
Load More Replies... #25
I’ve got a three year old daughter. I always knew I wanted to be a parent. I loved babies, and I couldn’t wait to have my own! I’ve hated every second of it since the moment I got pregnant. My kid sucks. She’s cute, and spunky, but it’s too much! She recently started hitting, kicking and biting when she doesn’t get her way. She’s always running away from me, and she never sits still. I honestly can’t handle it. A few days ago, she ruined my expensive eye cream and wiped my brand new mascara all over her toys and the bathroom cabinets. In reaction to this, I made sure to move all my makeup into my master bathroom cupboard. Today, as I was getting ready, I had my cupboard open, she raced in, grabbed something, and ran out. As I chased her, she dropped a makeup bag. I figured I was in the clear, and went back to getting ready. A little while later, I went to her playroom only to find that she’d taken a different makeup bag at the same time as the other! She’s squeezed all of a new small bottle of face cream and a bottle of base into her toy teacups. She’d also taken a brand new pencil eyeliner and drawn all over! My extra mascara, also new, was open on the carpet. I made her leave the room (I might have been loud), and then sat on the floor and sobbed. I can’t keep up with all the cleaning, all the annoying noises and movements, and ruining all my stuff everyday! Why did I do this to myself?! I love her, but I hate her too.
Polly Walsh 2 years ago
Keep the doors shut or locked to your rooms she doesn't need to go into your bedroom .. any trashing of stuff..she loses her toys for a week...consequences.
Fiona Beswick 2 years ago
Draw a powerful line. Don't do any of that "let's see if we can play differently" stuff. It's messing children up. They look to you to protect them. They instinctively act like this to see how you will be strong. When you don't punish, when you're not stern, they are afraid. You're weak. You can't protect them ..lion cubs do it. Be scary. Be Mum, not a buddy. She needs Mum, a love and force figure. I tell my young students I'm a mighty wall. I'm the boss, I say. Who am I? The boss, that's right They LOVE it. One just sent me a recording 'i love you, Miss Fiona "
Brandie Litchfield 2 years ago
Lol yeah they're ridiculous and mean as hell, but someday you will remember these totally insane moments and laugh
#26
We used to be in love. Now we hate each other. This child has taken all our love and energy and positivity out of us.
I hate being a mother. I hate my husband. I hate that my baby is too perfect and too pure and I'm not good enough for him. I can't even function like a normal adult. I'm exhausted all the time. Sometimes I spend hours fantasizing about drowning myself in the river. I want to die to escape my responsibilities. But I can't die because I'm a coward and a b**ch who doesn't deserve to be a mother.
#27
My 7 year old has been begging me to go to my grandma's condo in the mountains for a year. Figured I'd make her happy for spring break. She made everything so miserable this time around that we left a 3 day trip after 26 hours.
We are to keep the condo pristine and my child wrecked it in less than a day. Filth everywhere, everything rearranged, etc. It took me an hour to clean up today after only staying a night. And she defaced my late great grandmother's dining room chair with pen. I couldn't remove it. Oh and before we went to breakfast she dropped her favorite stuffed animal in the toilet and got toilet water everywhere.
Everything we tried to do she complained the whole time and was a complete brat. Today was the final straw when she got everything I could give her and she was crying about her ice cream being too cold. I was like, we are going home. I'm done.
Whines the entire car ride home.
Why would anyone have more than one kid? Why does anyone have kids on purpose at all?
And what the hell am I going to do about summer? All daycare programs seem insanely expensive .
Lisa Simpson 2 years ago
So many posts about kids trashing homes. Back when I was a kid that was an absolute no-no! I always remember my childhood home was clean, and both my sibling and I weren't allowed to make any mess. Is it just me, or somebody else have the same childhood experience?
Ken Beattie 2 years ago
I'll apologize in advance because I'm gonna be "that guy". When I was a kid if we trashed something too badly we got spanked. Learned very quickly not to trash stuff. Weren't beaten, weren't even spanked for making a mess. Just when we were destructive. Seemed to work.
Load More Replies... Loverboy 2 years ago
Seems like a nightmare. Is she special needs? Because honestly this sounds like something that could be the parents fault.
Ken Beattie 2 years ago
Does sound unusual for a 7 year old. I'd expect a mess (toys everywhere) and some bratiness but not ruining the chair or dropping a toy in the toilet.
Load More Replies... Fiona Beswick 2 years ago
"when she got everything I could give her". Why were you rewarding her for terrible behaviour? She acts like this because she lives in fear. She keeps testing you and you keep failing. You don't punish, you don't be the boss, ...how can she look to you to protect her from the world? Kids do this by instinct, and it makes them frightened and unhappy when you reward them like that. She is waiting for you to draw the line. Tell her you will put her in a zoo for naughty children and say it with conviction. Watch her suddenly get a secure look
#28
I woke up today and feel defeated with parenting and work. I just feel uninspired with everything. Like i dont want to do anything anymore. I’ll try to take a nap on weekends but can't seem to have a full rest. I still feel tired as f**k and will only wakeup with a massive headache. I feel like parenthood “broke” me. Everything hurts.
Ps. Love my baby to death but sometimes I feel like i shouldnt be a parent.
I dont know. Maybe im just exhausted with everything. I just want to feel normal again.
#29
I will literally financially support my child to live on their own right when they're legally allowed to do so. Then I can finally have some peace and quiet. Hopefully by then I'm able completely support myself financially, but with the high cost of living in my city I will likely be dependent on my parents, a spouse or roommates for decades to come.
That is all.
Libstak 2 years ago (edited)
But what if the parents or spouse want to live on their own? What if they find out you are latching onto codependent relationships you would prefer not to be in. All these other people have a right to the fulfilling relationships or their own space that they choose too...
Brandie Litchfield 2 years ago
Having an empty nest is a lovely feeling. My stupid a$$ had my kids 20 years apart. It's not really working out so well. I resent my late in life baby, i had a very nice life before this! A great job and career path. And now here I am, I can't even get 2 entire minutes alone without my toddler, lord help me. I love him more than anything but dear God he's a tsunami in his every movement
#30
I'm sick of how loud she is. I'm sick of the way she doesn't listen. I'm sick of the way she keeps doing things when I ask her repeatedly not to do them. I'm sick of the fart jokes and sounds. I'm sick of the constant need for attention. I'm sick of her inability to sit still and be quiet for even two minutes. I'm sick of how I can't take her anywhere without her potentially causing a scene. I'm sick of her yelling out MOMMMMMM all the time. I'm sick of how my partner and I are so drained from her that we have a dead bedroom. I'm so so so so so sick of this kid. I'd give anything to have a do-over and not have her.
Polly Walsh 2 years ago
Daycare..or babysitter...family can help?..sometimes a dog might keep her company ? She sounds bored and annoying uoy for attention..
Ken Beattie 2 years ago
I really feel like this is young child they're talking about. Like toddler or maybe grade 1. Yeah it sucks, but it should get better as they get older. And in the meantime you need to find things that keep the kid from being bored and start working on boundaries. Start rewarding the good behaviour (if you sit quietly for 15 minutes you can watch a cartoon for example).
Fiona Beswick 2 years ago
And start punishing the bad! You can have a cartoon for 15 minutes string still?? Way to sound helplessly weak. Tell her there's a zoo for naughty children and she will be going to it. Get stern. I promise you, she will not be traumatized and all that. She will love it. A strong stern parent who she KNOWS can protect her. Supernanny. Watch that.
Load More Replies... #31
I did not plan on having children. My husband and I were married just about 2 years when I gave birth to my now 2.5 year old. He got a lot of pressure from his mother to give her a grandchild. I believe this led him to pressure me, and me wanting to make my husband happy, agreed to have a kid. Our once good life is now a mess and I absolutely do not like being a parent. I do not enjoy anything about it. I only breastfeed for 1 day, as it grossed me out so much. The crying makes me crazy. I do not like poop, puke, baby talk, or other parents. I have scar tissue from tearing which has made sex almost impossible because of the pain. So my sex life is gone. I am trying to hang in there, but my fantasies of leaving are becoming too much. I have saved up enough money to get an apartment if I need too. I browse indeed for jobs in different states. I bought a new phone with a different phone number so if I left I could ditch my current phone and no one could bother me. I have planned a road trip to a state I would like to move to, full with rest stops and everything. Every night when I am bed, and everyone is sleeping, I imagine getting up and leaving, to never look back. One more bad day and I am afraid I will not be able to help myself and slip out of the door like a ghost.
#32
I am 24 years old and I have an extremely autistic daughter. When she was a baby it was smooth sailing. You raise babies all the same mostly. It's not hard. But as the years pass by she's unmanageable. I sometimes cry so bad imagining what my life would be like. I'm so talented so funny and had so many dreams. Now I'm locked up in my section 8 housing can't work because I can't find care for her. Therapy won't call me back and I'm hitting a brick wall. I don't feel resentment towards my child I feel extremely bad for her. She doesn't understand anything barely. She barely can function alone for five seconds alone without destroying the place or smearing poop everywhere or breaking everything in her path. Her dad is not helping me as he doesn't want parts.My family and friends don't want parts im so alone. In my dreams I imagine what I could be. I hope that we actually do have a next life that I can actually live and not be bound by this. I ask God why has he cursed me so bad. And what did I do to deserve this. I am resentful towards my mother. She's the one that was so forceful for me to have her. I was set on an abortion. I had no plans in keeping her. Maybe I wasn't supposed too. Maybe this is my punishment. I don't know. I've tried to find the blessing in this. But where is it. I feel like I'm in my mid 40's. My life is over. Everyday I rush to put her to bed so I can cry at night. Sad part is she's beautiful. Gorgeous and stunning. I wish she was normal so bad. I wish this world had more tools for autistic children. I wish more ppl would help not only me but all moms In similar cases. I wish this life would hurry up. I don't like it here anymore. I pray to God there is a light at the end of this tunnel. This is hell. And I'm here everyday
#33
My three kids (aged 34, 31 and 28) have all turned out into decent functioning members of society. One daughter got her Master's as an older student and has a very good job as a policy advisor and doesn't want her own kids, my other daughter has a degree and works as a bank teller (she doesn't love it, but it isn't unbearable, and the bank she works for pays well and has good benefits), and is married with 2 girls, and my son went into a trade and his partner had a baby in May. They have/had their issues with mental illness and teenage rebellion and all the things that come with life and parenthood, but they all ended up OK in the end. My regrets have nothing to do with them as people. They all turned out into people I love. My regrets are that raising them into functioning members of society basically came at the expense of my own life. I didn't really do anything with my life because I was busy raising them, and now, I am busy helping them with my grandchildren, which I am happy to do, but it is only now that I realise how motherhood was basically it for my life. I never travelled, I never had my own career, I don't have a happy relationship to retire with because the stress of kids droves us apart and my ex husband to his secretary (what a cliche, I know). Because the economy is so cruel to millennials, they were at home for a long time and needed my help beyond 18. My oldest has a Master's degree and it is still hard for her to get ahead, it wasn't like that for us. I see my childfree daughter living her life - travelling, enjoying hobbies, having a great life, and I wish I knew that was an option for me. I had kids because it was "what you did" after you got married, especially 30+ years ago. I wish I knew there were other choices. I always loved my kids, but was always kinda unhappy - I just thought it was a normal part of being an adult and was medicated, but I only realise now that I was totally unfulfilled. I've raised three humans that turned out pretty great......but never really had a life for myself, and now I have some time, I don't have the health or money to do all the things I wish I did in my life, and the pandemic is making it impossible. I don't know if regret is the right word, because I love them, but I think if I could do my adult life over again knowing what I know now, I wouldn't be a mother again and would live my life for myself and not for others and make myself happy instead of taking on a life of sacrificing my happiness for my children. It is not their job to appreciate it and I don't expect anything in return, but I am glad my daughter has always expressed gratitude. But I still wouldn't do it again, even for her, and that makes me feel a lot of guilt. But I just wish I got to live for myself, you know?
#34
I had my son when I was 23 years old and I can honestly say it was the worst mistake of my life. Im not with his father anymore, whilst he’s a good dad and helps out as much as he can I can’t help but feel feelings of regret whenever I think about my situation. I don’t have the typical “motherly bond” that you see plastered all over instagram and Facebook and this makes me feel so guilty. My mother and family help me out a lot and I honestly don’t know where I would be without them but I just wanted to get this off my chest. If your on the fence about wanting kids please think long and hard about any decision you make as this is permanent as hell. The only time I’m ever enjoying myself is when I’m sleeping or away from my son. I love him to death but more like a younger brother or family member. I know for a fact I will never have any more children for as long as I’m alive. It annoys the hell out of me when people say “oh your still so young” “you’ll change your mind in a couple of years” erm.. no I most definitely will not. I wish I had a time machine to wake me up from this living nightmare.
#35
When I was 22 I decided I wanted to be child free. I used to get up and go when I please, I was not under pressure financially, I love my career which comes with travel, I did not have to be in charge of drop offs and pick ups, meetings, dropping everything to pick him up when sick... I only had to worry about feeding and bathing myself... BUT with people in my ear about how much I would regret this, life happened and I ended up pregnant and not only that but he ended up being diagnosed with Autism and now 4 years old, still non verbal. Now, in addition to above, I have to keep track of all therapies, appointments and I don’t know if he’ll ever be independent, living on his own so being an empty nester might not ever be in my future. I guess the plus is I got my tubes removed otherwise I would’ve probably been admitted to psych ward if I ended up pregnant again. In the end, my child did not ask to be here so it’s my duty to give him a comfortable life but nothing about this life is worth it.
#36
My (35f) daughter (5f) K is special needs. Autistic with broad developmental delays. (Don't know the correct terms in english) She dosent talk, dosen't sign, wears diapers. One moment she's laughing, The next she hits or kicks. More than once K's smeared poop on my mattress and/or walls.
K has to be watched every moment she's awake. She will run to the street or break things just for fun. She's a 24/7 job that never stops. I could go on, but maybe you get the picture.
I had my second child, a son, nine months ago. He's such a easy child, very happy and content.
So here's the horrible truth. I find myself loving My son more. K's just so much work, even with all the help I get.
Before kids, I never yelled. Never had a short temper. I wanted to be a mom so bad. And now, i'm a bad mom. Sometimes i just want to take off.
(I had my kids using a sperm donor, so no badmouthing "The dad".)
Any words of comfort?
SheDeM 2 years ago
Girl, so hard! I guess my suggestion would be to reach out to everyone you can think of for assistance. Grab every ounce of help you can find. Finagle friends and family to watch her so you can just get out for a minute. Also, a secure, contained space for K to "play", where she cannot damage anything or go running about, may help relieve the constant stress, fear, and worry. Make it comfortable and washable, with whatever play materials she needs/wants, but just REALLY limit her freedom, for her safety and your sanity.
#37
Some people are born with motherly instincts. Some people seem to have them kick in once their baby is born.. and then there's people like me that are 8 years into this gig and I haven't ever felt any special love or instinct like I was told I would. I love my kids, but I love them the same way I love my brother or my grandparents. It's nothing special, and definitely not like a special bond. I've basically been on manual since they were born. I've never just known what's wrong when I heard their cries, their first words and other milestones have never meant anything to me, and I've always had the feeling of being nothing but inconvenienced when I couldn't easily fix a problem. I don't know if this plays apart in my regrets of being a parent, or if this comes from regretting it. I do feel very guilty and sad for my kids. They know love, and over the years, my patience has increased a bit, but they won't ever get the experience of a good mom. I regret my kids. I regret having to parent my kids. I wish I could be the "fun aunt" and just visit them sometimes. I'm trying my hardest to give them a decent childhood, but my regret and depression weigh on me a lot. I don't know how to keep up this charade.
#38
It’s the unending, repetitive, monotonous, hamster-wheel nature of…like, everything. Every single damn day of my existence it’s unending piles of dishes…MOUNTAINS of laundry…making multiple (requested) meals that go untouched by mean a*s little food critics…cleaning a disastrously messy house, only to have all that work undone almost instantly. Its having MY THINGS lost or broken. It’s the constant tattling and sibling rivalry. It’s every tv in the house HAS to be playing Blippy or Peppa Pig or Mickey’s Clubhouse some other maddening kid show (like they cannot tolerate an adult watching anything that isn’t one of “their shows”, even in another room, and will ensure you are not permitted to enjoy it). It’s the constant whining and begging and bargaining for this new toy or that new doodad that will be discarded faster than it takes to pry it out of the impossible to open packaging. It’s the resistance and doing the actual opposite of whatever it is I’m needing them to either do or stop doing. And it’s all so effortless for them. And it’s killing my soul and my sanity. And I’m becoming someone I truly dislike. I’m becoming deeply angry and resentful. I want to enjoy my children and my life, but I don’t. I just don’t.
#39
I don't hate my son, but I hate being a mother. I don't hate my son, I hate myself for having taken the decision to have a child. It's so hard, I feel like I don't have any freedom since I'm a mother. I'm just waiting for him to sleep, because I'll finally be alone. I have a partner, I can't stand him anymore, but I can't be a single mom, I can't be alone with my son. That's just hard.. thank you for reading.
#40
I feel so awful but I have to. I don’t know what else to do and our home cannot handle having her in it. When I was 18, I made the stupid mistake of letting one of my classmates in our senior class knock me up with no protection. He pitied me enough to stay until our daughter was around 7, and we realized we are terrible for one another. My daughter ended up very affected by the divorce and I still feel awful about it to this day. Ever since around 2 years after our divorce, my daughter hated me. Her behavior got more and more extreme. She started from just defying me to lying to her school about me and my husband physically abusing her and our (at the time) 4 year old son. This happened when she was 14, and it was the final straw. We asked her if she wanted to live with her dad, which she agreed to, and we dropped her off at her dads and only saw her during the holidays. This was a huge mistake. Her father was an abusive narcissist and she ended up learning a lot of s***ty and manipulative tactics from him. He ended up dying around 6 months ago due to an opiate overdose. She has been in our custody for these 6 months, and in 3 weeks she will be 18. She has turned into a scammer who has managed to make a few thousand dollars under our noses. We realized just exactly what she was doing when she tried to recruit our now 7 year old son into her scamming business. This was our last straw with her entirely. We were planning on letting her stay until she graduates high school, but now we have decided that after her 18th birthday she will need to find somewhere else to stay. I cannot handle her. Our family cannot handle her.
#41
The worst part about having kids is the way you are forever tied to your ex partner if the relationship with them goes bad. I have a 7 and 5 year old with my now ex husband who cheated on me and have split 75-25 custody with my ex husband. The negative thing with no-fault divorce is that a partner who cheats on their spouse still gets treated equally in the divorce settlement. I have to live in a state I hate because I am not allowed to move interstate back to my own family without his permission and he refuses to give me that permission. I have to be in contact with him even though speaking with him repulses me. I have to encourage a positive relationship between him and my children even though it makes me sick to say a nice word about someone who cheated on me with the only friend I had in this city. I want to go home. I don't want to deal with him ever again, but this man is now in my life forever. I have to deal with him forever. 13 years. I have 13 years until I can move away from this awful expensive city that is a terrible fit for me. I already regretted kids before the cheating and divorce happened but this is just the icing on the cake. I had kids largely for him and now I hate him, but I am stuck with the kids and stuck with this life.
whatever 2 years ago
The perfect definition of living in absolute Hell. When my wife and I were selling our house and moving to a much better area, a few neighbors were saying that they wished they could do the same thing but couldn't because of either the kids or being upside-down on their mortgages.
#42
I’ve never posted on here. I only found this sub yesterday and was so relieved to see that I’m not alone in the way I feel. I (F18) got pregnant very young. I had my son at 17 years old to a man older than me. I never wanted children. I was very close to aborting my baby. Very close. I’m talking going to planned parenthood and being forced to listen to the heartbeat before examination close. I ended up having the baby, because my bf convinced me to and promised he would be supportive. He is in most ways. But he’s also alcoholic. He is not abusive and treats me great most of the time. But alcoholics have their moments. I hate being a mother. My son is about to be 1 year old. And I still have not adjusted to being a mother. I miss my old life. I’m still a teenager and I have absolutely no friends. I love my son. I love my boyfriend. But I yearn for freedom. I often fantasize about living alone in an apartment and sleeping in, going grocery shopping, going on trips, ANYTHING without having to worry about another human. I am not a good mother. I try to play with him as much as I can muster up the courage to, but I end up laying in bed half the time and letting him watch cartoons. I take care of him enough to where he’s healthy and alive. But I could do so much better. I just can’t and genuinely don’t want to. His Dad loves him so much and if he weren’t an alcoholic I would definitely consider straight up giving him custody. But I know I would miss him. I don’t know. I just needed to get this off my chest. I just want to be alone. I think I was trapped.
#43
I will not need to stumble blearily out of bed to change the diaper on a crying, flailing baby. No one will inform me that they wet the bed last night, or whine at me about how hungry they are and ask repeatedly when breakfast will be ready until I yell at them to stop. I won't have to get anyone ready for school, or ask "how could you possibly have lost your shoes" or make sure that their snack is in their backpack. I won't have to tell anyone that they need to stop goofing off or they're going to be late. "Dad, have you seen my backpack?" You mean the backpack that's hanging up on the hook where it's supposed to be, that backpack? One day, I'll wake up, stretch, and make myself a cup of coffee that I'll drink while it's still hot. I'll take a shower, sit and read for a bit, maybe get an early start on my workday, or go for a short walk. Only like... 10 more years, guys.
#44
I have three children. The oldest is 19, the youngest is 9 (the middle is 11). I was a teen mom. I have been doing this for about twenty years and I just don’t like it. At all. I love my children. They are bright and articulate and fascinatingly different one from the other. We are relatively well off, and I work really hard to provide them with everything they need, including love, care, and affection. I just DON’T love being their mother. I thought it would get better after they reached kindergarten. I thought it would be better when I was older and more mature when I had the latter two, and they were close in age instead of my older singleton. But it wasn’t. It was worse. I thought parenting was about showing your children how amazing the world is (and I do believe that it is amazing!) and sharing that wonder with them, and raising them to be Independent, whole people who change the world for the better - even on some small level. But it isn’t about any of that at all. It is constantly heartbreaking .And endless and thankless and joyless and boring. Good god, how boring! My husband is an amazing partner and an awesome dad and he really seems to love it, and I am so happy and grateful for him. But I am also confused and disappointed and frustrated and sad and profoundly, profoundly guilty because I hate this job - and my family (all of them!) deserves someone who loves it. I wish I got it. Only nine more years.
#45
I am currently hiding outside while my kid has a meltdown. The screaming triggers this awful “make it stop” fight or flight feeling that makes me feel intense rage. I need to leave to be out of earshot or else I have no way of calming down. I hate being a parent. I hate doing s***ty, boring kid things only for my kid to have a temper tantrum anyway. I hate not having a village. I hate how thankless it is. I hate that people look at my disobedient child and think that I’m spoiling him or not doing enough - I’ve tried everything in the book! I do “all the right things”! It doesn’t seem to make a difference. I hate putting an effort in at mealtime only to have him turn his nose up at all my hard work. I hate how clingy he is. I hate that I can’t cope. I hate that I don’t love doing this like other people seem to. I hate the overwhelming weight of having someone else’s childhood in my hands, I’m so scared of messing him up. I hate, most of all, that this was my decision and I have no one to blame but myself. That’s it. I don’t want advice, particularly not from the child-free that seem to float around commenting unnecessarily in this sub. Some solidarity would be cool though.
#46
It sounds insane because it is insane. I absolutely DO NOT want to "serve" this country. But I'm a single mom who was forced into motherhood because the dad refused to go through with adoption. I'm struggling with bills and it's just me and my child here 24/7. If I join I have to give up custody to her dad which is fine by me. He swears he loves and can't wait to see his daughter but she has to live with me so he can "get his sht together". He's been trying to get his sht together since I met him. I'm over it.
#47
I am regretful in my life choices. I really am. Mostly regretful In having my daughter. She has severe autism. And when I got pregnant I wanted an abortion but my parents talked me out of it and it was the worst mistake I've ever made even still to this day everyday is hell and if it's not hell it's lower than hell. I can't do anything anymore alone. I can't even bring her with me because she has terrible outbursts and screams and cries and she's almost 5 years old and everyone has fallen off. My friends don't even care about me anymore or invite me out anywhere. Her God mom cut off contact with us probably because she's too much to handle and I can't take it anymore. Day in and day out im here with her alone. Dealing with constant pooping everywhere spreading it across the walls bed sheets. Breaking everything that is important to me or even nice to me. She breaks thru child gates and all other precautions I make. She doesn't sleep waking me up almost every night screaming and yelling and won't stop. I can't take it. Im not a violent person so I don't hit her but sometimes I lock myself in my room and cry. Is this it for me ? Is this a life a 25 year old woman should have to live ? Is this living or is this existing ? My health is declining. Mentally I'm at a 0. I want to just run away. Sometimes when she's screaming so loud at night I hope someone calls CPS and they come take her. I genuinely don't wanna be in this situation. But I have to be so hopefully I'll get dealt better cards in my next life
#48
So, things suck. Ever since having a kid (obligatory statement of how much I love the little bugger), my quality of life has been going downhill fast. No more alone time, almost no time alone with my wife, days are being spent exclusively on work or kids. Everything is a chore, even something as simple as leaving the house takes at least 30 minutes and has me grinding my teeth. You know the feeling, I don't even need to elaborate further. Well, my wife wanted a second child, and managed to convince me after making her case for the better part of a year. I guess you all know the good old "two is so much easier", what a cruel joke. The younger one is now half a year old, and I am just utterly spent. The relationship with my wife seems to be at an all time low, as she is constantly stressed and in mom-mode 24/7. I am trying to do my part, but between my regular job and a side gig (to help pay some of those outrageous bills), I am stretched pretty thin. Affection and intimacy seem to have gotten lost somewhere between dirty diapers, temper tantrums and petty fights about absolute nonsense. Even having sex depends on so many factors (both kids falling asleep early, her not feeling too exhausted, there being any semblence of "mood" with toys and plushies all around us) that I can count the time the stars have aligned on one hand since kid#2 arrived. Now, in the middle of all this madness, the wife now brought up the topic of having a third child. I mostly laughed and tried hard not to make an "immaculate conception" joke, but her "well, just think about it" already tells me I will hear all kinds of wonderful arguments in the months to come.
Deborah B 2 years ago
For the love of god, get a vasectomy. Tell your wife you can't cope with another baby, two is enough, then abstain from sex until you can get the surgery.
Angela Kelley 2 years ago
Depending on where they live. In the US I had to sign off that it was okay for my husband to have one. Which quite frankly, I found appalling. It’s his body!
Load More Replies... #49
I'm struggling to find meaning. With my unplanned pregnancy I had the indoctrinated list of "why you should have children" rhetoric embedded in me from everyone. Plus the fun "It's God's plan/it's what God wants for your life/God's gift" mindf**k (I'm no longer religious). After being a parent for 7 years, all of those reasons have fallen like flies. They all seem so selfish or cruel. What gave me the right to bring another human into this world. What gives anyone the right. Other than simply having the ability to reproduce. It'd be different if I was bringing another person into paradise to experience bliss, but we all know this place is f**ked. Ironic I didn't realize how awful the world was and how hard life is until I had to worry about children. Add the fact its inevitable we ourselves will f**k up our kids in one way or the other. Anyone have at least one healthy, realistic and/or good reason to have children that keeps you going? Not the sugar coated parroting we've all heard, and not after the fact(because obviously we're all going to keep going regardless, they are here already) but a solid reason to be a parent.
#50
I feel like a terrible mom for feeling this was but I never wanted my child. I got pregnant unexpectedly and my husband was unsupportive of terminating the pregnancy. He convinced me that we could handle a baby. But I failed to realize it would just mostly be me caring for this child. My whole life has changed and his gets to be so normal. I’ve been struggling to make it through the day at this point. Five months postpartum and I still feel like I’m drowning. Most days I think about how I can just leave, pack up everything and never come back but the guilt of leaving my son and later in his life feel like it’s his fault kills me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve tried therapy and it just feels like another chore to do on top of caring for the house and my child.
SheDeM 2 years ago
MEDICATION!!! 🙂 Seriously. And get that husband on board with helping you. It's 2023! He contributed half the DNA, but YOU were pregnant, YOU gave birth, YOU are the one forever changed by the experience in every way. HE needs to step the f@#$ up. Hand him the baby and leave the house for a few hours, on a regular basis. Make it your ME date and carve it in stone in the calendar. Get some sun and fresh air, grab a coffee or whatever, and just walk! Do you, Mama. You matter.
#51
I, 28F and my partner willingly got pregnant with our now 8 month old son. We were so excited about it and wanted him so badly… I have been struggling since day 1 and it’s not improved. I wake up EVERY morning listening to him cry and I struggle to open my eyes and start the day. I hate motherhood. I hate every single thing about it. The baby has started crawling so I truly have my hands full… and I know it’s only going to get worse. I’m not looking forward to any phase in the future. To me it all looks downhill. I have some good days with my son, but most times I just find it too hard to bare. I miss every aspect of my old life and genuinely feel like I’ve ruined my future. I’ve imagined picking up everything and just disappearing to get some alone time and peace and quiet. But I know I would miss him and his dad. I just feel trapped. I don’t see a way out.
#52
When you decide to have a child (well twins in my case) with your long term partner that always wanted to have kids even though you never shared the dream. Thought maybe it would all work out and fit snuggly and happily like society always conveys. Wrong. Life turns upside down instead. Now you’ll likely not only lose the love of your life but you’ve also become something you never really wanted in the first place, a mother. For the rest of your life. Or you stay together and question what you are doing everyday and just how much your heart/brain/emotions can take. Accompanied by a blanket of sadness that flares up and tries to strangle you on some days. You’re surviving but you’re no living. Lose/lose. True story and I do not recommend.
#53
I am so thankful for this sub because it makes me feel less crazy. On the outside I appear to have a great life; three healthy kids, a supportive spouse, a good job, family support… and all that makes me just feel more guilty for having such regrets about my kids. I did want to be a mom. We waiting and had kids when we were ready. But after two it’s like we got overly confident, or careless, or something. My spouse really wanted a third and I just kind of went along with it and I soooooo wish I hadn’t. Two kids is PLENTY. The third has made our lives utter chaos. It’s unrelenting and I hate feeling this way. It’s like we went from manageable to crazy town and there’s no going back. I’m so disappointed in myself and am grieving the life I could have had if we’d have stopped at one or two. I love my kids but I also feel like I’m stretched so thin with work and the kids that I can’t even be a good parent to them. When my oldest talks to me and wants to share something interesting in my head I just thing “please stop talking and leave me alone!” I don’t want to play, I just want space, quiet, and for people to quit touching me and climbing on me all the damn time! Also whyyyyyy do they never stop making noise?! We are finally past the baby stage, the youngest is three, and I keep waiting for it to get better. Don’t get me wrong it’s less awful now — I hated the baby stage and constant diapers, night feedings, etc. but we have three boys and they’re SO f**king rowdy, loud, and messy. As a person who values quiet down time I’m absolutely going out of my mind. I just want to run away. I can’t believe I’m a whole a*s adult and got myself into this situation. I know how babies are made people! And yet here I am, regretting having a child when I knew better. If you made it this far, thanks for listening.
#54
I (34 F) regret having children. I thought I’d love being a parent. As a teenager and young adult I greatly enjoyed teaching, coaching and babysitting kids and thought it would be something I’d enjoy as an adult. My husband agreed and we had 2 kids, 2 years apart because both of us love having siblings. Unfortunately when my youngest was 2 I got a chronic illness, and now my immune system is terrible. Caring for 2 young kids while being chronically ill means the children are well cared for, but I am not. I catch everything they get and more, I can’t help but feel the stress and burden of having kids caused my chronic illness. At least the constant work and stress contributed to my illness. Caring for kids is so unfulfilling, boring, and repetitive. My kids are well behaved, cute and intelligent, truly some of the least annoying kids out there ( I shudder every time they ask to invite friends, most other kids are little s**ts). However, I can’t help feel that my life wasn’t meant to be an endless cycle of laundry, dishes and reading boring books aloud, while battling bone crushing fatigue and a never ending sore throat and runny nose. Seriously, had I known parenting meant I would get this sick so often, I wouldn’t have done it.
#55
I hate having a newborn. I absolutely hate it. It's not the kids fault. It's mine. I know my temperament and abilities. I CANNOT stay up all night and get to work. I can't stand watching my wife be exhausted 24/7. So I try to help. Then i just go down this line of thinking...why the f**k did I do this to myself? I hate myself so much for thinking a 2nd child would be good. "Oh your first kid needs a sibling." "You're already in the mode so you might as well have another." All kinds of bulls**t. Advice for new parents: Only have a newborn if you can AFFORD to hire people to help. Nannies. Babysitters. And I don't mean once a month. I mean 4 nights a week. If you need to work...and your career is extremely demanding...not for you. You can't have a career and a newborn at the same time without significant amounts of help. I deeply regret that I did this and there's no going back. No amount of sucking it up will allow me to not sleep and then be on point at 8am at my job that pays our mortgage. This was so f**king stupid I cannot believe I let myself fall for this.
#56
Today, I just had a major breakdown because of his behavior. He had a long overdue assignment that he'd lied about finishing last night. I got like the 100th email from his teacher saying he's not doing his school work. When he got home from school, I calmly told him to finish his assignments first. He went to his room but was mosning and groaning so loudly the entire time that my husband had to tell him twice to cut it out. He kept on doing it and I just snapped. I was shaking so bad because of anger, I was screaming at him to just leave and never come back. It's like this every. Single. Day. It's a struggle to get him to do anything. We have to call him 100 times to come to the dining table, to take shower, to brush his teeth. Everyday it's a struggle. And it's not like he is passive - he screams at us, talks back, calls his dad racist remarks, mocks us. , slams doors... I am so sick of it. I wish I could give him up. I am tired because I am alone taking care of my baby daughter the whole day and he comes from school only to act up if we so much as ask him a question. We have tried taking screen time, gadgets away, heart to heart talks, strict parenting. Nothing works.
SheDeM 2 years ago
Ummmm, a thought. Is it possible he is being molested by someone in his life? I hear some red flag behaviors that make me wonder...
Saxophone 2 years ago
I don't know why you are being down voted. If you can tell me, what are the signs?
Load More Replies... #57
I hate myself for not being able to go through with it. I hate myself for not leaving my relationship way earlier. I hate myself for not standing up for myself & walking away from this toxic & abusive relationship. I hate that I believed I was not going to get pregnant by him because in the 10 years of us being together, I never got pregnant & especially because a doctor told him he basically had no sperm & yes I was there. I hate myself for not being an independent person and becoming so dependent on him to do anything & everything in my everyday life. I feel like failure & I want to be dead. I hate that I had everything planned out to leave him & then shortly I suddenly got pregnant. I was beyond upset when I found out. All I did was cry. I just wasn’t able to do that abortion. I really should have. I beyond regret becoming a mom & I can’t express how much I seriously hate myself & my life. I have love for my 6month old son but I just can’t. I want to leave or runaway. I can’t be a mom. I really can’t but I am. I take care of him. I make sure he’s okay and happy but inside I’m dead. I really wish I stronger & had that abortion. All this did was tie me to him for ever & have regret of having a baby. I hate myself. I’m f**ken stupid. Now it’s going to be way harder to leave. I still love his dad & his dad is a great dad to him but he’s horrible to me & we can’t be together. Mentally I’m just really exhausted right now. Everyday I wish I could go back in time and save myself from motherhood & him. How could I do this to myself. I’m so disappointed. I’m only 26 & I regret not getting to live my best life during my 20s. I wanted to be that free girl so bad. All that is gone now. So much regret & so much pain.
#58
I won't go through all the specifics of the situation, but essentially a hormone spiral got displaced and so wasn't effective. I don't want the kid to grow up without a father and feel ashamed if I would just leave my GF and the child. My GF is 50-50 on keeping the child. My GF and I fight all the time, so staying together with a child is not a reasonable environment to give a child I'm mentally ill (autism), which is highly inheritable I wouldn't want for anyone else to suffer from that kind of handicap My mental illness means I'm not sure how much of a father figure I can be She comes from a marginalised upbringing and has her own baggage The first point was enough for me to break things off romantically, which she has not taken lightly. I still care for her, but our situation is just miserable, even without a child. Breaking up now gives up 7 months to establish more formal and friendly relations that can hopefully work for the child. She doesn't see it that way, but was hoping that a baby would bring us together. We're not stuck in an apartment under lockdown broken up with no places to go and I can hear her crying in the room next to me. All I want to do is go hug her.
Aline 2 years ago
Your instincts are right, break up now. If she thinks having a baby will bring you together, she may have fallen pregnant on purpose, but even if not, a partner or coparent who dismisses your side of the situation, your feelings and fears, is not going to be a good partner. Your consent is just as important as hers.
#59
The moment I (27F) found out I was pregnant I cried for days in disappointment wondering how I could be so stupid. My partner however cried tears of joy. We’ve been married some time, have a nice home and stable jobs so this just seemed like it would be the next step. We had talked about it before and agreed we both wanted a kid at some stage. I’m now pregnant and I never thought i’d be in a position where I’d want an abortion but here I am. I don’t know if my relationship could survive an abortion as all we do is fight over the baby, over money and just everything whereas before we had the perfect, fun and carefree relationship. I tell him that I feel like my life is over and I get told I’m being hurtful and dramatic. I lived a lifestyle before this (and pre COVID) of travelling, partying and spending my money on whatever I damned please. We earn very good wages where we have the luxury to buy what we want and go out frequently but with a kid in the mix that won’t be possible. I will happily admit I’ve come to the conclusion I’m too selfish for this. I am so scared of becoming a regretful parent but I am more scared of the voice inside my head telling me to get the abortion and to lie and say I miscarried. I find myself laying awake at night praying for a miscarriage but I know I’m not that lucky. I feel like it isn’t normal to be thinking like that but I’m scared of taking this baby away from my husband who wants this so much.
#60
The moment I got pregnant I wasn’t even happy like I thought I’d be. I couldn’t eat the entire time, I was so starved he took all my weight. When he was born you could see my bones. When I saw him for the first time he was just a strange being laying on me, I didn’t care about him, I just wanted my partner to hold my hand but I understood they were just watching our son. It seemed like everyone cared until he came, nobody wanted to see me or him. I always feel alone, yet way too touched out. I’ve been angry for a long time and he only makes me even more angry. He’s not even three months yet so I don’t know if it’s just my postpartum depression, but I just know I hate this life. My mom always said meeting your baby is so magical and you’ll feel instant love, my friend in a different state got pregnant and she adores her son and always posts about him. I don’t understand how, i even tried tricking myself to be happy. I regret him because I miss being by myself, I miss showers, I miss going places without diaper bags, I miss not worrying about being the lady with an annoying crying slobbering baby. I wanted an abortion 3 times. My partner always said they’d kill themselves if their child died… Now I do most of the work, the house will never be clean if I don’t do it. My cousin thinks I feel this way just because my partner doesn’t help a ton but honestly if I didn’t have my son I would’ve done everything differently. I know I love my son, but I shouldn’t have had him at 18.
What do you think ?
Casey McAlister 2 years ago (edited)
The reason why somebody might never hear about people regretting having kids is because it's largely socially unacceptable. If people still get scandalized when a person just says they are childfree, imagine what would happen if somebody with kids said they wish they'd never had them.
Admiralu 2 years ago
They do on Facebook. The page is called "I Regret Having Children" Stories worse than some of these
Load More Replies...
whodunnitfan2013 2 years ago
I've had people tell me that they hope I'm forced to be a parent someday. I'm so thankful for my hysterectomy.
Zedrapazia 2 years ago
BP does a lot of these posts once in a while, but I believe this one is the one that goes the hardest so far.
Jane Doe 2 years ago
I really feel sorry for all those who have been pressured into having (or keeping) a child by society, their partners or anyone else. I hope it becomes normal in the future to really only have kids if you want to and to abandon an unwanted pregnancy if contraception fails. I've always wanted to be a mother and it's still hard - can't imagine doing it without having wanted it.
Kevin J. Henning 2 years ago
I don't know if it's a secret but kids don't come out fully formed and functional. Where did anyone get the idea being a parent was easy..a Disney movie? If the kid is acting like a little a*****e it just might be possible the parent needs to take some responsibility and quit whining. BTW I'm totally in favor of people choosing not to have kids. I also wish some of the people who did have them..didn't.
Sigrún Hlín 2 years ago
I feel like quite a number of them don't comprehend maturity levels in kids, nor did any research. Of course a 2 or 3 year old doesn't listen and gets into trouble! No few above have ppd, caregiver burnout and/or depression.
Load More Replies... Limey 2 years ago
Holy moly these stories are devastating. I never wanted kids. Didn’t babysit for allowance money, worked in a stable instead. Any dolls I had I pretended were siblings, not my children (etc). I just always knew. And as I am 72 now, this was at a time when it was DEEPLY unacceptable to feel this way. I was probably able to remain child free because I luckily married a man who didn’t want kids either. It didn’t stop everyone pestering us all the time about it, we just didn’t give in and I had my tubes tied at 30. Somehow I always knew that I would feel the way these people do if I gave into the social pressure and believed the “you will feel different when it’s yours” bulls**t. Listen to your own feelings. I always felt and still feel that it is just too big of a risk to depend on nature somehow taking over and making it alright if. For those that did change how they felt when they finally became parents, great. For those who didn’t… well the risk is just too great.
LonelyLittleLeafSheep 2 years ago
Society pressures women especially to have children. They tell young single women who express no desire for kids "when you meet the right partner you'll change your mind" or "when you're older you'll change your mind". They don't easily accept that some women do not want this. Being pregnant is not (always) a blissful experience. It destroys the body, it changes body chemistry, it can cause life-long issues. Kids are expensive, noisy, messy, and it doesn't magically stop when they become adults. Especially in today's world. They incur debts, make mistakes, and end up needing more money, or a place to live and often end up back home as adults, sometimes burdening their parents with grandkids to raise. I love my boys but if I could go back and never have kids I would do it at the drop of a hat. Some people are not cut out to have kids and I was one of them.
The Starsong Princess 2 years ago
Well, this was a litany of mental illness, depression and attachment disorders. With a few exceptions, these people need extensive professional help. Here’s reality - most people love their kids and do their best to be good parents to them, even under difficult circumstances. If you can’t do that, there’s something wrong and you need help.
Janet C 2 years ago (edited)
Regret is not mental illness. Most people would not do it again (have kids) if they had the chance to go back in time.
Load More Replies...
steaky 2 years ago
I am not passing through autism, anxiety and unhappiness to children. It is unfair if I should get kids, knowingly what I went through and still struggle with. I just keep my cats and try to make the most of it. I decided years ago that I will be childfree. And it is probably the best for all.
Admiralu 2 years ago
You should check out the Facebook page "I Regret Having Children"
Load More Replies... Casey McAlister 2 years ago (edited)
The reason why somebody might never hear about people regretting having kids is because it's largely socially unacceptable. If people still get scandalized when a person just says they are childfree, imagine what would happen if somebody with kids said they wish they'd never had them.
Admiralu 2 years ago
They do on Facebook. The page is called "I Regret Having Children" Stories worse than some of these
Load More Replies... whodunnitfan2013 2 years ago
I've had people tell me that they hope I'm forced to be a parent someday. I'm so thankful for my hysterectomy.
Zedrapazia 2 years ago
BP does a lot of these posts once in a while, but I believe this one is the one that goes the hardest so far.
Jane Doe 2 years ago
I really feel sorry for all those who have been pressured into having (or keeping) a child by society, their partners or anyone else. I hope it becomes normal in the future to really only have kids if you want to and to abandon an unwanted pregnancy if contraception fails. I've always wanted to be a mother and it's still hard - can't imagine doing it without having wanted it.
Kevin J. Henning 2 years ago
I don't know if it's a secret but kids don't come out fully formed and functional. Where did anyone get the idea being a parent was easy..a Disney movie? If the kid is acting like a little a*****e it just might be possible the parent needs to take some responsibility and quit whining. BTW I'm totally in favor of people choosing not to have kids. I also wish some of the people who did have them..didn't.
Sigrún Hlín 2 years ago
I feel like quite a number of them don't comprehend maturity levels in kids, nor did any research. Of course a 2 or 3 year old doesn't listen and gets into trouble! No few above have ppd, caregiver burnout and/or depression.
Load More Replies... Limey 2 years ago
Holy moly these stories are devastating. I never wanted kids. Didn’t babysit for allowance money, worked in a stable instead. Any dolls I had I pretended were siblings, not my children (etc). I just always knew. And as I am 72 now, this was at a time when it was DEEPLY unacceptable to feel this way. I was probably able to remain child free because I luckily married a man who didn’t want kids either. It didn’t stop everyone pestering us all the time about it, we just didn’t give in and I had my tubes tied at 30. Somehow I always knew that I would feel the way these people do if I gave into the social pressure and believed the “you will feel different when it’s yours” bulls**t. Listen to your own feelings. I always felt and still feel that it is just too big of a risk to depend on nature somehow taking over and making it alright if. For those that did change how they felt when they finally became parents, great. For those who didn’t… well the risk is just too great.
LonelyLittleLeafSheep 2 years ago
Society pressures women especially to have children. They tell young single women who express no desire for kids "when you meet the right partner you'll change your mind" or "when you're older you'll change your mind". They don't easily accept that some women do not want this. Being pregnant is not (always) a blissful experience. It destroys the body, it changes body chemistry, it can cause life-long issues. Kids are expensive, noisy, messy, and it doesn't magically stop when they become adults. Especially in today's world. They incur debts, make mistakes, and end up needing more money, or a place to live and often end up back home as adults, sometimes burdening their parents with grandkids to raise. I love my boys but if I could go back and never have kids I would do it at the drop of a hat. Some people are not cut out to have kids and I was one of them.
The Starsong Princess 2 years ago
Well, this was a litany of mental illness, depression and attachment disorders. With a few exceptions, these people need extensive professional help. Here’s reality - most people love their kids and do their best to be good parents to them, even under difficult circumstances. If you can’t do that, there’s something wrong and you need help.
Janet C 2 years ago (edited)
Regret is not mental illness. Most people would not do it again (have kids) if they had the chance to go back in time.
Load More Replies... steaky 2 years ago
I am not passing through autism, anxiety and unhappiness to children. It is unfair if I should get kids, knowingly what I went through and still struggle with. I just keep my cats and try to make the most of it. I decided years ago that I will be childfree. And it is probably the best for all.
Admiralu 2 years ago
You should check out the Facebook page "I Regret Having Children"
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