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30 Stories From Married People Who Wish They Were Single But Are Stuck With Spouses They Hate
Interview With Expert
Why do so many people stay in loveless marriages? That’s a tough question. Marriage may start with a beautiful wedding, champagne toasts, and romantic date nights, but after a few years, the soundtrack of love is replaced by passive-aggressive sighs.
And yet, many people stay in this marriage purgatory. Not happily, not even tolerantly. Just there, like decorative pillows no one actually wants.
So, when one Redditor asked, “Why are you an ‘I hate my husband/wife’ person but still not divorced?” netizens overshared with brutal honesty. From financial traps to co-parenting logistics, the answers were a masterclass in modern marital entrapment.
More info: Reddit
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
Not in that situation, but I know several people that are. And the reality is simple; getting divorced doesn’t necessarily lead to the promised land. We (UK) live in a society where cost of living means most of us have to be in a relationship with two earners.
Good luck separating and finding a place to live, keep a car on the road and if there are kids in the picture, working out what that looks like.
We live in a fakely emancipated world.
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#2
When you have a disabled child, you need four hands on deck. She truly needs us both, so we are forced to make it work. She’s happy and that’s all we want.
#3
I couldn't afford to without pushing myself and my kids (and her) into poverty. As I got older, I started making more money and then could finally afford to divorce properly.
If falling in love is free, getting out of it costs your couch, your car, and half your sanity. Between legal fees, splitting assets, and potentially needing two of everything, many people simply can’t afford to leave a bad marriage. Especially when kids are involved and the thought of pushing your family into poverty becomes a very unromantic reality.
As the pros explain, financial concerns are one of the top reasons unhappy couples stay together. And most of the Redditors who answered this post feel the same way. Money may not buy happiness, but apparently, it can lease misery in a two-bedroom apartment with shared custody.
#4
For years it was because of my depression and untreated ADHD. I was miserable but frozen.
He’s also a hoarder and I let myself fall into those habits and the house is a disaster. I’m working to clean out the worst of the mess (at least the parts I can have some say in) and cut back on my personal belongings, so I can assess the state of the house and have it possibly be sellable. (I owned it before we got married.)
It feels like every time I get to some place I can start doing things, something knocks me back down. (e.g. me getting cancer, my mental health, him losing four jobs in two years and being home all the time, etc.) Sometimes it all seems incredibly overwhelming and I get frozen trying to start. I don’t really have a support network - my family is small and far away, and I don’t have any friends close enough to ask for the help I need. I have a good therapist though.
Ouch. I haven’t said any of this out loud in so long that I’m crying now and I haven’t been able to cry for a while. I’m so miserable and just feel so stuck.
Sarah Bailey 4 months ago
I pray for you to gain wisdom, strength, clarity, and bravery in this time of your struggles.
#5
Child of this dynamic here.
My mother has told me verbatim: “I’m scared I’ll be alone, and never find happiness without him.” Note that she has never lived alone, and has always had a partner in her adult life. I’m much the same… Generational trauma? Except I don’t hate my partner.
My father is just… Not interested in change. He’s simply content to just be. To live in malcontent. He goes to work, he goes home, and in between they might talk. They tried counseling once, when I was very very young.
Mom describes her relationship with him as having a roommate she’s married to. She’s too scared of being alone to leave. No amount of children or dogs or career changes have made their relationship ‘work’ beyond being an (faulty) outlet for each other. Their ‘love’ is only what they share love for: the children, the pets, the people around them… but not each other.
She has asked me before if she thinks they still love each other and I’m always honest. I say I think they have a deep bond, made with years of parenting and living together; but I don’t feel any love between them.
They’re in a trap of their own making.
Luke Branwen 5 months ago
That's why I always say your partner / spouse has to be your best friend, too. Because otherwise, once the initial infatuation fades, you're stuck in basically this.
#6
Should have asked me that 5 years ago. I stayed around for the kids, thinking it was for the best. Learned otherwise eventually.
Listen, I get it. You don’t want your kids to grow up splitting holidays, feeling like a ping-pong ball of guilt and parental disappointment. But here’s the thing: kids know.
They can feel the tension, even if no one’s yelling. Staying together solely for the kids can sometimes do more harm than good.
But why do those without financial concerns or kids stay with a spouse they dislike? Well, some people just can’t be alone. Not because they’re clingy or needy, but because they’ve never had to.
One Redditor shared how their mom had never lived alone a single day in her adult life, and the fear of doing so was more terrifying than living with someone she didn’t love.
#7
I think some people don’t actually hate their spouses but have a hard time shifting perspectives or learning how to communicate or grow with eachother tbh. Work is required in marriages and some people don’t have the energy nor want to dig deep and make changes to be with someone.
Robert Beveridge 4 months ago
"work is required in marriages" is the single truest statement in this article.
#8
Posting from an alt so I can be honest:
I wouldn't say I hate my wife, but the dynamic has changed so much over our lives that she is unrecognizable from the person I fell in love with. She's retreated so much from the world and the home, that it's almost impossible to actually be her partner. Like, works, gets home, plays on her phone.
I'm not being hyperbolic when I say I do 90% of the cooking, cleaning, childcare, and home maintenence. This leads to a lot of stress and resentment on my end, but as much as she says she'll do better and help out, she doesn't. It gets better for a week and then back to the habits.
Why don't we divorce? Because I love her, and I love my family. I know she used to be better, and I guess I'm just hoping that one of these days we'll have a heart to heart and it'll stick? That the better for a week becomes just....better. But the heart to hearts just end up with me being angry anymore, because I know that it's just gonna go back to how it was in a week. An apology works once or twice, but 10 times? 20 times? A lifetime of apologies and then still not feeling heard or helped? I dunno. Guess I'm still just hopin.
#9
My husband is critically ill without hope of improvement. Medicine no longer manages his symptoms well. He's unable to work. If we were in a state that allowed assisted s*****e, he says that he would do it. He just doesn't want me to find him someday like that outside of a "natural death."
Between his illnesses and the meds he takes, he's extremely quick to anger, never satisfied with anything, critical, and verbally a*****e. When you take your vows for "in sickness and in health," you don't envision something this awful and extended. It's been three years so far.
I do everything at home and work. I make enough to pay for everything, not enough to afford help, and too much for any assistance. We have no family that can help. I won't ask my friends. I'm only 43. He didn't do this to himself voluntarily. I won't leave. I hate the misery my life has become. I try not to feel negatively towards him, but can't help it anymore.
knegret3 4 months ago
I am so sorry for the situation you'll find yourself in. (I was in a somewhat similar situation, except that my husband was mentally ill and eventually died by suic*de. Truth is, I got over him taking himself out because I couldn't argue with the fact that my life got exponentially better. That thought actually floated through my head as I stood there looking at his body.) Sometimes, there are community services to help with caregiver burnout and the like. Please see what's available to help you because you need support and a lot of it!
To better understand why so many people stay in marriages they say they’re unhappy in, and how that affects their emotional well-being, Bored Panda reached out to Dr. Jane Greer, a marriage and family therapist and author of the book “Am I Lying to Myself?: How To Overcome Denial and See the Truth.”
She told us that “Some couples remain in difficult relationships because of financial constraints—they simply can't afford to separate or divorce. Others stay because children are involved, and they want to preserve a sense of family and stability.” But beyond that, there’s also a powerful mix of denial and hope, as many believe things will change or that their partner will come around.
However, staying in a marriage that no longer brings joy or emotional safety doesn’t come without a cost. Greer shared that chronic dissatisfaction in a relationship can lead to serious mental and emotional fallout—frequent arguments, suppressed anger, emotional burnout, and even physical symptoms like headaches or digestive issues.
#10
Gauging from my in-laws, they don't really hate each other. They hate how their lives turned out, their daily existence, and that the other person is both a reminder of the opportunities they disregarded while being with them, as well as a reminder of their own failure to create something more than what they have.
#11
My kids aren’t school age yet and I don’t make enough money for child care while I work. I don’t know how I’m going to figure it out. But I am miserable.
#12
Not me, but my parents. Money and old age keeps a lot of people together who don’t love/like each other.
We asked Dr. Greer whether staying together for the kids is ever a healthy choice. While many assume it’s always harmful, Greer said that’s not necessarily true. In some cases, particularly when children are still very young, staying together temporarily might feel like the best decision. Parents may choose to wait until the children are more emotionally mature before making a difficult transition.
Of course, not every decision to stay is about kids. Greer explained that the fear of being alone—fear of rejection, of never finding love again—can be a powerful motivator. She noted that many people begin to emotionally check out without realizing it—lashing out, feeling constantly drained, or walking through their days filled with quiet resentment.
#13
Hate is a strong word, but I've been in an unhappy marriage for 20 years. Stuck around for the kids, for our religion, a great number of reasons... but not each other.
We did 6+ months of couples therapy before I finally said I've had enough and asked for a divorce. Now everyone on Earth is questioning the decision, and my wife is acting like I blindsided her when I was upfront about this possibility multiple times throughout our therapy.
Divorce is hard. It's painful enough that I can see why people would stick to the known discomfort of their marriage rather than going through with it.
#14
My parents did this. My dad had no spine and my mom was a*****e and controlling and wanted to keep her health insurance and extorts money from him. Eventually he lost his job in the pandemic and she didn’t want the possibility of having to pay him spousal support. They’re both dead now so I guess the issue resolved itself 🤷♀️.
#15
When you stay stuck up each others a*s for years and years you will become Co-dependant. All the times me and my ex wife fought and one of us left we'd come right back even knowing d**n well we weren't going to get better, we came back because we've been together for Soo long that being away from them feels wrong even if it was the right thing to do.
Greengrass 4 months ago
Got out of an a*****e 40 year relationship 10 years ago. Never ever again. I love that its just me and my dog to please. Freedom and peace.
For those who feel trapped but aren’t quite ready to leave, Greer recommends a method she calls “stepping back without stepping out.” It’s about reclaiming personal space and independence within the relationship—setting boundaries, making decisions for yourself, and reducing the effort you spend trying to “fix” things. It’s a way to rebuild your emotional strength while still deciding your next move.
Finally, we asked Dr. Greer how someone can know it’s time to end their marriage. She explained that people usually just know when it’s time to let go. “When you no longer believe things will improve, and when the emotional connection has been replaced by resentment, detachment, or emotional exhaustion.”
#16
Cultural ramifications could be one reason.
The country my parents were from, it is just something you didn't do. My uncle ended up getting divorced and his father disowned him for it
My parents also really should have divorced** but never did, even after telling them that I wouldn't judge them if they did since no one was happy lol
Edit: fixed the typo 'survived' into 'divorced'.
#17
Conflict avoidance is your answer, plain and simple. I was raised in such family but came to overgrown that toxic relationship.
But not all is doomed and not every unhappy marriage is meant to end, or to stay miserable. The ability to repair conflict, not avoid it, is what keeps marriages strong.
So, should you stay or should you go? Well, there’s no one-size-fits-all answer. Divorce isn’t a failure, and staying in a bad marriage isn’t noble by default.
But if you're stuck in the in-between, where “I hate them” is just code for “I’m deeply unhappy,” it might be time to ask yourself if you’re staying out of fear, habit, or because deep down, you still believe there’s something worth saving.
#19
I hated my a*****e spouse at the end, even though I still loved him, but I stayed way longer than I should for two reasons. Extremely high cost-of-living where I live, and fear of leaving him alone with the children. When we were together, I was always there to step in and de-escalate things, and I had to do it several times a week. Even after the divorce, it highly influenced my life because I felt that it was important to move walking distance from my ex so that the kids could run away to my house when they needed to and they've used it on several occasions. Somebody with less economic resources might be in a real bind.
From his perspective, I can't figure out why he stayed with me at all because he obviously hated me and he never even loved me in the first place. But I provided a lot of added value to his life so that was probably nice.
Sarah Bailey 4 months ago (edited)
A b u s i v e people are in love with the concept of control, and ownership. You were "His" to do whatever he wanted to do with
#20
I love my kids more than I hate my wife. Our relationship isn't toxic, she actually seems to care for me a bit still, but I just don't feel like I can depend on her for anything and I can't stand talking to her. That's a big deal to me because I always imagined a wife as a best friend who'd help me and who I'd help achieve whatever it is we wanted to do or be. That being said, we don't fight, we're just not close, and after years of marriage counseling I'm certain we're not going to be close.
If I have to endure that to see my kids everyday I will. That might be selfish of me, but they really are just the absolute coolest things I've ever experienced and it kills me to imagine missing any more of them than work already takes away.
#21
Health insurance (American checking in).
Robert Beveridge 4 months ago
I've got the opposite problem. If partner and I get married, she loses, by far, the best insurance currently available in America and gets dumped onto mine (which is the second best, but the gulf between the two is marinas trench-level big).
#22
A lot of time it's about split finances. Like my mother-in-law kinda hates my father-in-law. But she wouldn't be able to afford To live if she wasn't in a relationship with her husband.
Is same with my aunt. If she could realistically afford to leave my uncle and know he wouldn't be destitute. She probably would.
I don't think my dad is loved either of his wives. I think he married my mom or a green card and was just gonna stick it out. Until things got real bad between them because my mom's a psycho.
And I think he married my stepmom cause he got her pregnant. She is also a psycho, But she is at least a 1000 times more competent than my mom at every basic life skill.
He absolutely stays with her because she handles basically everything for them.
I don't think my stepmother is happy. But that's because she has so much childhood truma going on be kinda hard to think anyone could make her happy.
And my dad rather have her handle everything in his life then find happiness.
#23
I was one. A consultant gave me a technical name for my problem. it was you feel responsible for the partner who you think needs you to protect her. I can't remember the technical term. I was living with a demon.
#24
My sister is staying for the kid, but she doesn't delude herself it's for the kid's sake, she knows it's because she doesn't want to give up any time with them and miss out on half their life. She only has the one, and won't be having another.
I think eventually they'll break, neither of them is happy and nothing will change. But I can understand why she doesn't want him out of the house. Even if they split time with the kid weekly and live around the corner from each other, she's still gonna miss stuff.
#25
Her family loves me and they have money, our kids will benefit.
Lyoness 5 months ago
How does OP staying in the marriage impact whether or not the kids benefit from the in law's money? Surely the family would still support the wife if OP left? You'd think they'd be MORE likely to support her. It sounds to me like this guy wants to benefit from the money and is using the kids as an excuse.
#26
I grew up on a lower economic rung and for me. Financial security > happiness.
Also I'm married to an adult that never learned to support themselves. In my jurisdiction that means alimony. They have some money but it's all from an inheritance, but that wouldn't soften the financial blow on my end and the money probably won't last very long. I was in the hospital for a week once and the only reason why all the money in their accounts wasn't scammed was because they hadn't/couldn't set up Zelle.
TLDR, fear, sense of responsibility, laziness (in that order).
#27
I don’t hate my spouse but I don’t love her like I used to. She has severe anxiety and is very combative about everything. Even something as simple as going out to the store or a walk becomes a debate. Eating “normal” food? Forget about it. Lighting off sparklers for our son and other children at our 4th of July party was a hurdle for her. It’s exhausting and miserable to put up with day after day.
#28
So, I was sortof that person until a few weeks ago. Turns out, my wife is bipolar.
To observers, it would look like "why did this guy marry his spouse if he complains a lot?"
But I now recognize that when you have a bipolar spouse, what happens is you have one face for them that is all smiles and so to the rest of the world you have your negativity spill out uncontrollably.
We're better, and closer than ever (at least momentarily). As predicted, she's evading treatment because she is mainly in the manic area of it. Its like telling a c*****e a****t with a free supply that they need to quit.
I've adjusted my life over the years unintentionally to make up for her shortcomings. I work from home because she can't be trusted to watch the kids (2 ER visits, another almost dead).
#29
Because he’s an unemployed alcoholic and I don’t want to make him homeless.
#30
Wife would take (kidnap) my daughter to Japan, her birth country, and I would have no way to get my kid back because of the wonderful laws and government of Japan.
Happened a lot to french fathers (I'm from France).
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