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“What’s The Most Memorable Comeback You’ve Heard In Your Life?”: 50 People Share Witty Stories
Think of a comeback as a holy grail of enviable wit, ultrasonic reaction and perfect timing combined at once. If it’s good, it sizzles the person like a Sunday barbecue, stripping them down to the bone where all their initial coolness has evaporated.
But it’s easier said than done. You see, making a clapback is somewhat of a form of art and we'd better learn from the best ones. So when someone asked “What’s the most memorable comeback you’ve heard in your life?” on r/AskReddit, we knew it was time to take the notebooks out.
2.6k comments later, we have some of the best responses from people who were lucky to witness a master comeback. Oh, that sweet feeling knowing you weren’t the target...
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
Saw this one on a medical sub awhile back:
This woman has just given birth and tore a bit, and the father was in the delivery room while the nurse stitched her up.
The father “jokingly” said, “Be sure and stitch her up nice and tight for me down there m lol”
Without missing a beat the nurse said, “Just how small do you need it to be, sir?!”
She was a legend on the floor for that lol
Vicky Z 4 years ago
If mine said that i would seriously consider what's in his head and probably would have many regrets that i just had a baby with him!
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denzoren 4 years ago
Come on man, don't say something like that. She just gave birth, a very painful and damaging process. Sure I get it but it wasn't called for....glad the nurse had a great comeback.
Nadine Bamberger 4 years ago
All jokes aside, that "sowing her up nice and tight for his pleasure " s**t does happen, often without her consent.
Ozacoter 4 years ago
Yes. Doctors shoukd have the obligation of reporting as abusers any man who demands the "husbands stitch "
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Guido Pisano 4 years ago
I suppose they hear too many times jokes of that kind that they're prepared...
New Prometheus 4 years ago
What an absolute asshole of a man. I would get post partum depression from that comment, feeling sorry for my baby.
Katerina Huskova 4 years ago
When a doctor stitched me after my first labor, she said "I'll do it carefully, so hubby doesn't realise any diference" 😅
RELATED:
#2
A guy told a female coworker she was so ugly that the only thing she could turn on was a hose. Without missing a beat, she replied that at least when she turned something on it got wet. The guy was speechless, and I laughed till I had tears.
fuggnuggins 4 years ago
Geez. The deafening *woosh* of all the "Were you there" comebacks that apparently are the perfect contradiction to "Were you there", trying to justify getting emotional as though it were their own personal experience...
Load More Replies... denzoren 4 years ago
I like this one, I like this one a lot. That's a great comeback. Why would you even be commenting on a coworker's beauty anyways. I work in HR...we need to have a chat, after I have a good laugh. Lol
Manuela Martins 4 years ago
Well, what do you expect from a guy whose experiences are based on his hose only?
Vicky Z 4 years ago
Seriously this behaviour is only acceptable in kindergarten! What kind of colleague says to his coworker just casually that she is ugly?
fuggnuggins 4 years ago
Bottom shelf humour. Lacking creativity. It's about your standard.
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Kay blue 4 years ago
My manager's husband once made a comment about how small my boobs were. I just glared at him and told him to go f**k himself, wish I had thought of something wittier.
Louloubelle 4 years ago
Go f**k yourself is sometimes the best thing to say. Something wittier probably would have gone over his head. Well done.
Load More Replies... Martha Meyer 4 years ago
What a nasty piece of work that guy was! Imagine the things he says in private if that is something he considers fit to say in public!
#3
My dad and I were at a farming expo. I have a bunch of chickens. This presenter, a chicken-owning expert, is droning on about how stupid chickens are, and I'm getting annoyed. I know they're not clever, but you can teach them basic tricks. And even if they are stupid, okay, fine, but I came here to learn something, please.
My dad, without missing a beat, after this woman says they're dumb for the fourth time: "I think chickens take on the personalities of their owners."
Vic 4 years ago
Dad's absolutely right. I have no chickens.. and I have no personality..
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François Carré 4 years ago (edited)
And I'll say it again, chickens are NOT stupid, they can get very familiar and even smart if you treat them well. Of course if you lock 50 chickens in 1m² they won't get a chance to develop personalities. Deeming farm animals as stupid is usually a very hypocritic way to elude the cruel condition people force them to live in.
cassiushumanmother 4 years ago
They are clever, even the girl was wrong saying "i know they are not clever". They even have a language, like some monkeys species they would make different noises if a danger is coming from the air, the ground, animal, human... to share as much informations about the threat to their peers. In just one sound. Meanwhile, we humans are just like "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH". Who sounds dumb now?lol
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New Prometheus 4 years ago
I hate people who call animals dumb. Especially those animals they exploit. Peak of human self-centredness and cluelessness.
Calvin Suzuki 4 years ago
Why do so many of these have stuff like “without missing a beat” and “looked them dead in the eye” and “without blinking, said” xD
Obi Wang Kenobi 4 years ago (edited)
People who think chickens are chickens are the real chickens!
#4
Was standing behind these two older adults and this teen girl at the gas station last year. She was on her phone and the guy snapped at her for “not knowing how to live without technology” and without looking up she went “don’t you have a pacemaker?”.
lakitha tolbert 4 years ago
This is such a stupid thing for adults to say! Don’t they drive cars, turn on water faucets, use electricity, wear clothes, etc? That’s all technology they depend on. A phone so different!
Load More Replies... wow that's fantastic 4 years ago
why do ppl always judge others by their usage of phones, it's kinda wrong
lakitha tolbert 4 years ago
Because when people perceive a hobby or interest to be something that belongs to women, they’re always willing and happy to drag that hobby! People think it’s mostly girls who use phones (idk why!) and it’s always encouraged, at least in the US, to insult things girls are interested in….
Load More Replies... Louloubelle 4 years ago
I'm 61, and find that people my age are on their phones just as much as younger people. Oh, and the younger people, reading news stories. People my age - Candy Crush. So, there's that.
Auntriarch 4 years ago (edited)
Yes, yes, and yes! At least my mother doesn't nag me about it
Load More Replies... Manuela Martins 4 years ago
Chapeau! See who's the one who really cannot survive without technology?
Suzy the observer 4 years ago
A device that makes your heart's rhythm function properly.
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#5
“Ladies, I like my vagina shaved”
“Then shave your vagina, Bill.”
Sabienn 4 years ago
I wouldn't recommend shaving the vagina anyway. Sounds rather painful to shave your insides, as the vagina is only the internal part that leads to the cervix and the uterus
Roxy Eastland 4 years ago
FFS. This act would require shoving a Bic up the birth canal. No one says 'penis, testicles, whatever, they're basically the same thing'
BlackPearltheSeaWing/NightWing 4 years ago
I hate people that judge body hair! They say it shouldn't be there, but of that's so then my question is why does it even grow there in the first place? It doesn't matter if you like it or not, if the woman wants it there then shut up and get out if you don't like it.
Leo Domitrix 4 years ago
If you dislike perfectly natural pubic hair on a woman's body, and demand to see a body without pubic hair.... I say "Pedophile". Anyone else?
Suzy the observer 4 years ago
Also, we are adult women, not children. We have pubes, we bleed, we.. ok you get it. We have a functioning body.
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M the Lemur 4 years ago
It is a female's choice what they get to do with their body.
Load More Replies... Amina Hays 4 years ago
If you're a woman and you like body hair, so be it. If you're a woman and you don't like body hair, so be it. It's the woman's choice, nobody else's. I'm a woman and I personally don't like having body hair but that's my decision to make. Also, vaginas don't grow hair, they're on the inside. I honestly have no idea how people still don't know that! It's one of the first things you learn in sex ed isn't it??
Louloubelle 4 years ago
Yes. Absolutely. And I've got to tell you, the itching. Not for me. But I do shave my legs and underarms. Of course, those I can reach. I've gotten a little chubby. 😀
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Amina Hays 4 years ago
I'm posting another comment as I've read several others that are saying the same thing; that people who have no pubic hair, or their partner, equates to paedophilia. I strongly resent that. I wax because I personally think it's more hygienic and I feel gross if I have hair down there but that's just my personal view. The very suggestion that my other half and all the other partners around the world who also like it that way must be a paedophile, is sickening and incredibly offensive. It's so dangerous to call people that w***y nilly with zero evidence, it has the potential to destroy lives. It's akin to when men are falsely accused of rape, even though it’s proven they didn't do it, they will be forever tarnished by it and that can destroy lives. If you don't like the idea of a woman, sans pubic hair, that’s of course up to you but to accuse people of something so horrific simply because they don’t agree with you, is utterly grotesque and you should all feel ashamed.
#6
My friend got pantsed, underwear and all at a party. Instead of pulling his underwear and pants up, immediately, he just kept going about his business, while hanging dong. Those of us that knew him already thought it was hilarious. The people at the party that didn't know him, looked really uncomfortable due to this dude having his pants and underwear around his ankles, with his wiener hanging freely. Our friend/the host said "dude, why don't you pull your pants up?" Pantsed guy said "I didn't pull them down." Then took his turn in beer pong. The host then found the guy that did pull them down and made him pull our friend's pants back up.
fuggnuggins 4 years ago (edited)
Flash a person as a man and you're a sick creep. Flash a person with another man's body and you're a prankster. Be exposed as a man and insist on continuing to flash a person and you're hilarious. Simply talk reasonably about bodies in general and in the interest of health and you're a complete fat-shaming bastard. (Why so sensitive? Issues? My mistake. I don't know you.) Do you have any consistency at all? I remember walking into Ashfield station on my way to work one morning. Rush hour. Packed with school kids. Men and women. Walk past a telephone box and there's a homeless guy in there, covered, back turned slightly, but obviously jerking it hard. I bristled, face got hot. I wanted to hit him. And I felt f*****g sorry for him. And for the kids. How do you feel about it. Hilarious? Obviously not. Is there really a difference, though? Can you explain the cognitive dissonance? No. You can't explain your duplicity at all, can you. And why did I feel angry? Why did I feel sorry? I have issues, right? Maybe. Brings back some confusing memories for me. Could have been anyone there having similar feelings. And if it was a woman... "OMG you poor thing!" And that's the point, isn't it? I even feel something similar just reading this. Difficult, confusing, conficting thoughts. But, you think that's something to mock, don't you? When you can't argue a point, when you don't have a point to argue, you don't... -admit your flaws- , you strike low. Right? Lower the blow the better. I see issues, and I attempt to talk to those issues. To address those issues. You feel affronted and you imagine issues, and in those issues you see a weak spot. A target. Something to exploit. Well now you have some ammo. No need to erect some effigy of every generic woman's deepest insecurities and set a torch to it and convince yourself that you burn me. Now you have ammo. So, go for it. You got ammo. Not much. But you can spend them. Because you're a sweet person deserving of nothing but adoration. Right? You never go after anyone verbally, right? You never tear anyone down. You never judge harshly. Assume the worst motives and inentions in people. You don't have issues. Just depression, anxiety, maybe suicidal thoughts sometimes. Insecurities around body image. Bit of victimhood thinking. A desire to cause harm as a way to control irrelevant facts of life that don't affect you and for which you have no responsibility, but you think is appropriate to have other things bear the weight of your irrational guilt. No issues. So, in perfectly good stead to attack perceived issues. Perfectly justified. Play the "I'm just a girl" card to avoid criticism. And your own non-existent issues are a shield to hide behind... A sanctuary. Standards apply, or they don't. Do you have difficulty comprehending that? Do you even have standards? How will she respond this time? Will she double down? Deflect? Avoid? Project? Try and find the weak spot? Or your one other mode, your favourite, deep exploration, an attempt to expand, exchange, understand and improve, with wit and vim: "OMG, penis! lol." Which item of her articulate reportoire will she employ this time round? Maybe she might put her money where her mouth is and admit to a flaw. Maybe she might lay it plain instead of use it for shelter. Don't expect me to hold my breath. Go ahead. Explain your duplicity.
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Ryan Deschanel 4 years ago
Hmmm... That's sus. Parties are not supposed to be such funny events.
#7
Young pregnant co-worker had a stranger stare disapproving at her in a restaurant, then walk up and say "pregnancy isn't very becoming on you." She replied "well, being a nosey rude b**ch isn't becoming on you, but here we are."
lakitha tolbert 4 years ago
I’m sorry but wtf would someone say something like that? That is nowhere near me go to response when o see a pregnant woman!!!
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drunkpanda 4 years ago
What on earth made the stranger feel the need to say that?! Good on her.
Manuela Martins 4 years ago
How can someone even think of saying something like that to a pregnant woman?!
Dre Mosley 4 years ago
WTF? Who just walks up to a person they don't know and says something like that? Jeez.
Nadine Bamberger 4 years ago
How entitled do you have to be to think it's okay to say something like that to a pregnant person.
Alexis 4 years ago
becoming on (someone) means something is making someone look attractive or enhancing someone's look. So the stranger was basically telling the pregnant lady she does not look good. Tl;dr, the stranger is taking trash at her.
Load More Replies... Martha Meyer 4 years ago
I seriously think some people should be locked up for life as they are not fit to be in other people's company.
#8
Someone yelled out in a Walmart , “I’m not ashamed of who I am”. Another voice echoed back, “that’s your parents job”.
Lauren Caswell 4 years ago
Opinions are like assh*les, everyone has one. Don't let other ppl get you down, and if it does get you down, that's okay too because your feelings are valid. Their opinion however, is not
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AzKhaleesi 4 years ago
Not a burn but this reminds me of a time I lost my friend in a store so I yelled out "Marco" and a couple rows over some dude *not my friend yelled back "Polo" epic!
Ladyandthetramp 4 years ago
Well when people yell on market o bet someone will yell back.
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Jigsaw's Puzzle 4 years ago
When you go to the supermarket an hour before closing stuff like this happens alot
#9
My son and his newlywed wife were poor college students living out of state. When I went to visit them I took them to the grocery store and let them fill up a couple of grocery carts that I paid for. As we were leaving the store I said, "Now, when your kids are poor married college students trying to get by, don't forget this". My new daughter-in-law piped up and said, "Oh we won't forget. We're going to tell them to go get grandpa!" Haa haaa haaa...I love that gal.
Robyn 4 years ago
New daughter-in-law piped up and said "oh we won't forget. We're going to tell them to go get grandpa"
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#10
I overheard a toddler crying at the store. Mom, annoyed, said to him “stop crying! You sound like a little girl!”… sibling (girl) told mom: “He’s not crying like a little girl. He’s crying like a kid.”
BURRRRNNN.
fuggnuggins 4 years ago (edited)
Yes, in a simple way, but it's no burn. Little girl heard "I'm disappointed with crying" and "girls is like a baby." She deflects her hurt feelings that she got from that misinterpretion onto the toddler. "It's a kid that is crying" and insinuating "I am not a kid." I.e. "Don't blame me. Blame the baby." So, she just kind of helped funnel the frustration (which she in her unmatured mind would interpret as the same as anger, some vague concept resembling danger) that was already targeted at the toddler, towards the toddler, shielding herself by doing so. Tell me: why do so many adults look to people in the earliest stages of development for inspiration? What do adults get out of burdening them so? Tacky seems too generous a word to describe this behaviour.
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cassiushumanmother 4 years ago
My dad used to tell me this a lot. I'm a girl... It worked great to put a smile on my face while crying and teaching me how dumb is this sentence. He never told it to my brother.
Night Owl 4 years ago (edited)
Smart dad. I hope he told you that while your brother was there too so he can also get the lesson from observation
Load More Replies... Laurie Falknor-Medina 4 years ago
I cannot ever imagine telling my son that, much less in front of my daughter. Talk about a double slap in the face.
thefaithfulspouse 4 years ago
That reminds me of when I was 16 of my brother was 12, I was being snotty and told him, stop acting like a child. He said, I am a child. Duh
#11
My mom screaming at my brother that he’s a son of a b*tch, and him calmly saying back to her “yeah, I am.”
Night Owl 4 years ago (edited)
Now that would be embarrassing and awkward
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Kari Panda 4 years ago
True. I will never understand parents calling their children names.
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Vasana Phong 4 years ago
My husband told me a story of when he was younger his mom was in the middle of whooping his lil bro’s ass for something, and this phrase came out, his lil brother said “ isn’t that you?” Oh man I wish I was there to see the visual
#12
My uncle to my husband. "When are you guys having a kid?"
My husband. "Please don't ask me about my sex life with your niece"
Ozacoter 4 years ago
I love how your family pretends that you should never have sex (specially as a woman) but as soon as their consider you old enough they cannot wait for you to have unprotected sex...
Crazy Meerkat Lady 4 years ago
Why have I never thought of this?? Next time someone asks me when I am having a kid I'll ask them if we should talk about their sex life or only mine
#13
I don't care if it's self-congratulatory, I'm proud of this one:
Having dinner with my dad and older sister. I got straight As in school or something, and she's doing the older sibling thing.
Sister: You may have gotten the book smarts in this family, but *I* got the street smarts.
Me: The corner doesn't count.
Dad: *chokes whiles laughing*
Lorrie Rothstein 4 years ago (edited)
The sister is implying the other lady is a hooker
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#14
Random guy: “Kiss my a*s!”
My mom: “If it looks anything like your face, forget it!”
#15
I like the one from Aliens where the male private asks the somewhat butch woman “have you ever been mistaken for a man?” And she answers “no. Have you?”
Caroline Nagel 4 years ago
That would be the great late Bill Paxton who asked that question - private Hudson to private Vasquez.
M O'Connell 4 years ago
Bill Paxton did "anxious freakout" better than any other actor.
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#16
My brothers were fighting and one said the other had a thick skull, he responded by saying “ that’s because I actually have something worth protecting”
Tiger Pearl 4 years ago
No cuz then it’ll blister. Need warm water or aloe for that!
Load More Replies... Pantea 4 years ago
My brother had bought a new multimeter and was going on and on about checking all his batteries with it. He could feel that I was not as excited about his adventures as himself, so he said "you're not really into this subject, are you?" I answered "no, not really". He asked "do you know what a multimeter is?" I rolled my eyes: "yes, your old sister knows what a multimeter is". He replied "dear sister, I'm not asking because you're old, I'm asking because you're a woman". That little rascal :))
#17
Whilst training in the British army we went out for a few drinks and every unit has that one Bell-end that thinks he's god's gift to women. Ours spots a really good looking girl at the bar, he announces to us all watch the master at work. He proceeds over to the bar next to the girl and says " I've got the biggest d*ck you'll ever see and will give you the time of your life." The girl responds as quick as a flash " is it really big?" He says yeah She asks if it reaches his a*s? Him being the as**ole that he is responds "of course it does" She comes back with "great you can go and f*ck yourself then." He ran off like his a*s was on fire and we all bought the girls drinks for the rest of the night and told her she was our hero.
Vicky Z 4 years ago
The same kind that sends d**k picks to random strangers
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Dark Pearl 4 years ago (edited)
She is a hero. D***s aren't the only way people with vaginas derive pleasure.
Grumble O'Pug 4 years ago
Yeah but you can see what he does with his mouth.
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v 4 years ago
Fantastic story and burn but I'm more interested in what "Bell-end" means and where/how it originated.
juice 4 years ago
bell end is slang for the head of a penis. it's used in the UK as an insult for a jerk or someone acting stupid (a bit similar to calling someone a dickhead)
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Lori Ballard 4 years ago
After reading this I know I can post this story. Some of my husband's coworkers went to a sex club. One of them who I'll call Guy couldn't do the deed. Now Guy thought he was God's gift to women so this was hilarious that he couldn't do it. Several months later we we were all at a house party and Guy was hounding this poor girl who clearly wasn't interested. So she comes into the kitchen and he comes in after and says, "I'll show you the time of your life if you go home with me" So I said, "Guy I'm sure you can't because I heard you can't get it up!" All of his coworker were rolling on the floor laughing and he was so embarrassed he left the party.
#18
Someone asked a friend of mine if they were gay.
He said, "If you'll excuse my rudeness in not answering your question, I'll excuse your rudeness for asking it."
I thought it was perfect.
arponet 4 years ago
Logic! That is the most common. If you are in the middle of the US in a meeting with Americans, people do not ask you from which country do you come. Don't they? If you are in an international meeting where being non-American is norm, it is logic to ask where do you come from.
Load More Replies... SuperChicken 4 years ago
What a polite way of saying STFU, it's none of your business; to which isn't anyone's business. At all.
Sean Murphy Garabedian 4 years ago
The picture for this one was a bunch of dudes wearing scarves and fancy clothing and I can’t stop laughing.
Sean Murphy Garabedian 4 years ago
(For reference, I am gay and dress like a sock puppet.)
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Pär Hällquist 4 years ago (edited)
I’ve always wanted to encounter a biker gang where someone would ask me if I’m gay just to reply: ”drop your pants and bend over and we will find out in no time at all”.
Celtic Pirate Queen 4 years ago
That was a comeback Miss Manner (Judith Martin) recommended. I got to use it once and I will admit it silenced not only the dumbass asking the question, but the entire room.
#19
My most memorable comeback actually came from my own mouth (which is why I was memorable...) My wife (then GF) was trying out perfumes in a store and I was trying to help, so I smelled one and presented it to my GF: ME: 'i like this one' HER: 'No, it's too sweet, I'll get tired of it quickly' ME: 'you're very sweet and I'm not getting tired of tou' Old lady passing by: 'honey, marry this one'
#20
My best friend was being made fun of by a (straight) dude for being a lesbian and having a girlfriend, and I (a very protective friend) looked him dead in the eyes and said, "At least she can get a girl."
wow that's fantastic 4 years ago (edited)
i don't know why ppl must be THAT homophobic, sure you can disagree but hate is wrong (editing due to the fact that ppl didn't get what i meant, i'm saying that you can feel heterosexuality is better but don't hate, and i did not specify that you should spread your disagreements to the homosexual couple, butseriously though)
Nikki Sevven 4 years ago
Honestly, you can't disagree. Homosexuality is perfectly within the normal range of human sexual behavior...and normal for many other animals too. Disagreeing is like saying that blue eyes are wrong, immoral, and should be changed. You're literally disagreeing with an integral part of human nature. It's silly.
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Damo Lee Park 4 years ago
I support gay marriage, as long as both chick's are hot. But seriously, there's no gay marriage. It's just marriage. Marry who makes you happy.
Suzy the observer 4 years ago
It bears repeating: What happens between two consenting human adults is no one's biz but theirs.
AspieGirl88 4 years ago (edited)
He’s just jealous because she’s getting more pussy than he is! LOL. 😏❤️🌈 BTW, I’m bisexual, so nothing hateful here! 😊💖👌
Lynn Morello 4 years ago
it is not our place to pick some ones love for them, just as it is not their place to pick mine.
fuggnuggins 4 years ago
Clap. Clap. Give this girl the honour of most generic remark and put her picture up in the hall of self adulation.
#21
One of my favorites is one I told my sister. Her: If I had a nickel for every time you swore, I would be a millionaire. Me: If I had a nickel for every time you pissed me off I would put them in a bag and hit you with it. My mom spit out her drink from laughing.
lakitha tolbert 4 years ago
Please, this is just normal sibling behavior, I think!😂
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deathrose 4 years ago
I'm one of five girls. There wasn't a day that there wasn't a fight or knock down-drag out between us. I'd do just about anything for them though, take in their kids if something happened to them. I gave 3 pints of blood to one of my sisters after a car wreck. But I'll be damned if I let them drink my water.
AzKhaleesi 4 years ago
lol this reminds me of my son and youngest a few years back S: I'm so hot D: No you're not S: oh yea? than why do I sweat? hahaha
#22
5th-grader on the playground, to a kindergartener: "Santa's not real!"
Kindergartner to 5th grader: "Santa's real, he brings me presents every year. If he doesnt bring you presents, maybe you should think about why."
Evelyn Haskins 4 years ago
Sad Sad SAD. That people are SO stupid as to try to make their kiddies believe in a real Santa. It is a stupid thing to do We were never told Santa was real, we enjoyed Christmas as well as any other kids. but we also learned to give other people presents and to thank the givers. You should have seen our dirty looks to stupid people who asked us want we got from Santa.
#23
At the Scottish games, dude asked a performer in a kilt “what do you wear under that skirt?” The guy did not skip a beat and said “your mother’s lip stick.” I f**king laughed and so did the guys buddies. He was so shook.
KombatBunni 4 years ago
Having been out drinking with a group of Scotsmen I can attest to the fact that all they have under a kilt is what Mother Nature gave them! That’s a night I will never forget..
H Edwards 4 years ago
Sure it is, but imagine how many times those guys get asked that same stupid question by a tourist. I'm sure it's a new one for the tourist.
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#24
This one came from me. I was 7 months pregnant and HUGE. While heading to my car some random dude stopped me and rubbed my stomach while asking when I was due.
I rubbed his stomach and asked him when he was due.
Foxxy (The Original) 4 years ago
I just don't understand what possesses someone to go up to a stranger and start touching them. I just find it creepy and bizarre.
Valentina Lattante 4 years ago
I'm always surprised how these women don't punch these strangers in the face!
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denzoren 4 years ago
Why would you just touch someone's stomach man...that's weird and wrong. I know close friends who have been pregnant and I've never done that unless they specifically said "hey, put your hand here and feel the kick".
SuperChicken 4 years ago
Good for you, and I'm so glad that there are people like you. I'm a woman, and if a friend or a colleague is pregnant - I don't even ask to touch/rub their stomach, let alone to touch/rub it out of a whim. When one of my sisters was pregnant, I even had to ask her if I can feel the kick of her baby.
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SlartyBlartFast 4 years ago
I read somewhere - it is assumed OK to rub a woman's pregnant belly and congratulate her, yet not at all common to rub a guy's privates and congratulate him just the same
CatWoman312 4 years ago
I’m pregnant and my mom randomly did that to me. It was the first time and even that felt weird. I don’t understand why people do it. It’s just me fatter than normal 😂
#25
My 3 year old niece came over with her dad, and, as little kids do, just randomly interrupted our adult conversation to say emphatically: I’m THREE!
Me: Wow, sweetie! How did you get so old??
Niece, gently but matter-of-factly correcting me like I am a simpleton who needs help: Actually, I’m kind of new.
It’s been months and I laugh every time I think of this story.
Mewton’s Third Paw 4 years ago
Not a comeback though. Just giving a stupid question a stupid answer.
#26
I can explain it to you but I can't understand it for you.
Ty Stratton-Quirk 4 years ago
You can lead a person to knowledge, but you can't make 'em think.
Vasana Phong 4 years ago
I once found inside a fortune cookie “ everybody has a photographic memory, some just don’t have film” .
Katie Andrews 4 years ago
Have legit said that as a now-retired teacher esp after the third time. Next questions: how tired are you, and have you eaten?
That Spoony Bard 4 years ago
I've used this one only once, after it was clear the other person wasn't budging on their stance that was easily googled
Reid Miles 4 years ago
My favorite is, "Its hard to do engage in a battle of the witless, with someone who is witless"
Celtic Pirate Queen 4 years ago
Worked with a guy who had "discovered" this new life philosophy. He kept explaining it to me and saying you just don't understand. After about the 3rd time I had told him that I did understand, I just didn't agree, I lost it and screamed, "Jon! What f*****g part of I think you're full of s**t do you not understand?" The other two guys in the office cracked up. Hey, at least it shut him up for the rest of the day!
nala simba 4 years ago
My fave on that subject is when someone said to me over the phone, Her : You are stupid! Me : (in a bored matter of fact voice) "Well, I know that! But, who told you!"
Aileen Grist 4 years ago
That's the story of living with a 99 year old person with dementia. Sadly
#27
I used the line from the movie Iron Eagle once on a bully at school that actually seemed to help. Using the kids name when he shoved me against some lockers I said so everyone in the hallway could hear:
“What’s your problem, Rory? Can’t you get through a single day without proving what an as**ole you are?”
He stammered and shrugged and walked always and never really bothered me again.
Brian Bennett 4 years ago
Had this done to me, but as I fell my leg came up got him square in the balls. There i said you can call me NUT CRUSHER from now on thank you. Crawled away never bothered me again either.
danielw 4 years ago (edited)
a bully (football-team asshole,) was trying to stuff my (scrawny,) friend into his locker and lock him in. 'They said you wouldn't fit. I'm curious', was all he was saying. I got pissed, put the meat head into a full headlock, dragged him down the row to his apparently open locker, and stuffed him in. He didn't fit, at least, not entirely. the math teacher/football coach was on hall monitor duty, and didn't say anything until I was finished, then he tried to have me expelled, until I pointed out that he was tolerating the exact same behavior from his football team, and if I got disciplined in any way, I was going to tell the whole story. In any case, they tried pretty much everything to get the kid out. The firemen were setting up the jaws of life when lunch lady showed up with bacon grease... and he spent the rest of the school day smelling like fried bacon. Nobody f****d with my friends after that.
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Nizumi 4 years ago
Lunchroom bully used to make others the butt of his jokes. A gay intern started, and the bully made a beeline for the guy. *He* was comletely unfazed by the commnets and puerile jokes, but the rest of us were getting uncomfortable. So I snapped, "Why do you have to act as though you just found out you can do more with your d**k than just write your name in the snow?"
Parmeisan 4 years ago
I was really unpopular in high school and was teased by a couple of different groups of kids. Mostly it wasn't too bad but this one "cool kid" really had it out for me, he would tease me in any classes we shared and would go out of his way to tease me in the hallways too. Well one day I had a stroke of brilliance and as he approached me I got this happy grin on my face and greeted him as though we were the best of the friends. You could see the gears in his head as he realized that he did NOT want anybody to think we were friends. He beelined away. He never bothered me again, either.
Celtic Pirate Queen 4 years ago
A bully will almost always back down when confronted. They're usually insecure f*****g cowards.
Mo Poppins 4 years ago (edited)
Bullies (some, at least) seem to be taken aback by nonchalance and puzzlement, as well. If they make an unprovoked attack (even if "only" verbal). I instinctively go to my default of wanting to understand people's motives because the logic doesn't play out, so I'll ask, "Why did you/they say/do that?" They look like those guilty dogs after the owner says, "You're a bad boy!" Shame face w/ "tail between legs." I always DID wish that they would've explained what was going on w/ them psychologically, though. Reminds me of that one Key & Peele skit...lol.
#28
My boyfriend was in the grocery store. Our twin daughters were in the shopping cart, maybe five years old. Twins get you a lot of attention from random strangers, especially when they're little, and it's a pain in the ass for everyone, including the kids. They don't always want the attention. Some random lady had stopped and was chatting with the girls. One of the girls is very much a people person, and was happy to chat, but her sister wasn't up for that, so she wasn't really participating. This lady got ticked about that and told our introvert kid "Your sister is so much prettier than you are." Without missing a beat, my tiny little badass looked that b*tch dead in the eyes and said "And you're so much fatter than my sister is, too." My boyfriend managed to get the cart on to the next aisle before laughing his ass off.
Dark Pearl 4 years ago
Because if little children don't respond to irritating adults, they get angry from a lack of attention. That's just the way it always has been.
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Olive Jenkins 4 years ago (edited)
My little sisters are twins and when they where younger this would always happen (well the attention part)
Pirate Captain 4 years ago
This is super relatable, me being the extroverted and more bubbly twin means people come to me first before they talk to my sister and i have had complete strangers “complement” me by saying that i’m nicer or prettier and it always pisses me off because my twin is also super fun to talk to, she’s just shy.
Karen Lyon 4 years ago (edited)
Little kids are never boring! My youngest nephew is definitely an introvert, and could totally act like that. When he was quite little, I'd say good. morning or hello, and often got a response of "BAAAH!" Once, when he was about three, and in the grocery store with his Mom, the checker make a comment about what a good looking little boy he was. His response? "Oh, shut up, you pompous windbag!" My sister-in-law wanted to sink through the floor. The checker, God love her, just laughed and said she had grandkids who could get cranky like that, she was not at all offended. I'm not sure he and my sister-in-law still chuckle over that incident, (or the "BAAAH!" thing), but I sure do.
#29
I used to work with a very conservative, very angry older man who would get triggered if you did not agree with him. Like red face angry. He would always equate my age to being less intelligent than him. I forget what we were talking about . But he went on about how he was wiser given his age. I simply said if you’re so smart then why the hell are we both doing the same job? He did not have an answer for me. And then I felt bad afterwards for having said it.
WilvanderHeijden 4 years ago
The old guy deserved it so there's no reason to feel bad. Being older doesn't necessarily mean that you're wiser or more skilled in your job.
Dynein 4 years ago
Agree. Age gives you the CHANCE to gain experience, but it doesn't force you to do so (especially if you get triggered every time someone disagrees, good way to stay ignorant...) You can lead a horse to water etc.
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Roxy Eastland 4 years ago
People behave like this because they are very unhappy and insecure. I think you really did hit the nail on the head there
WhoAreYouToSayPandasAreBored 4 years ago
I'm 28f and recently was promoted to assistant branch manger. Everyone work with is 40+. The one guy insisted on calling me kid. Without missing a beat I said kid or not, I'm still your boss. Last time he called me kid!
Keith Wollenberg 4 years ago
Maybe that's where we got the idea that older people were wiser, as fools didn't used to grow old so often.
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Tiny van Pouderoyen 4 years ago
My hateful former boss told me every time I got him a coffee to put some love in it. He tried (and often succeeded) to embarass me in front of others. Once he asked me angrily why it took me so long to get him and his visitor coffee. Told him I couldn't find the jar of love. "Someone must've misplaced it, sir." His visitor pissed his pants.
Beatrice Multhaupt 4 years ago
As an ESL teacher, I was stumped when one of my adult students said, ''If you're really as smart as your co-workers say you are, then why are you in a dead-end job like this one?''. I had never thought of my job as dead-end because it was so full of surprises, but had absolutely NO IDEA that my co-workers thought I was smart.
#30
Regrettably, a secondhand telling. One of my favorite bars in Chicago (Galway Bay) has several Irish bartenders, and gets its fair share of tourists. At the earliest hint of an Irish accent, this particular tourist can't resist... "I've been to Ireland. Amazing place. What part of Ireland are you from?"
Bartender - "I'm from (wherever), but I've moved around a bit"
Tourist - "My great grandfather was from (somewhere place unrelated to bartender's hometown). He was a farrier. Do you know what a farrier is?"
B - "Aye, they shoe horses" [a bit agitated at the dull conversation]
T - "Have you ever shoed a horse?"
B - "Never shooed a horse, but I've told a donkey to f**k off once."
Rick 4 years ago
This doesn’t sound made up to me but I work with a lot of Irish people and hear this type of banter on a daily basis.
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Shelp 4 years ago
Although it's unarguably a great comeback I feel like it was unnecessarily rude to the customer
H Edwards 4 years ago
Irish people will rip you to shreds but you'll be laughing the entire time. 'Rude' comebacks like that are all part of the service. I grew a much thicker skin and learned to laugh at myself after working in an Irish bar for a year, and I'll never regret it. Having said that, this probably didn't happen and is just a joke.
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Colette Connor 4 years ago
Anyone saying the barmen in this scenario is rude has never had to listen to the Americans who think they are Irish because their 'great great great great grandfathers dog was Irish' , ones that drone on about long dead relatives and ask ridiculous questions, questions like do you know John from bally-back-a**e with dead seriousness. It's funny and tolerable the first 1000 times, after that the eye roll and smart comments are really difficult to hold back.
Tim Bouchee 4 years ago
The only thing that would've made this better would be to swap donkey for jackass.
nala simba 4 years ago
That guy was fishing for a cheap laugh. That's a very old joke, but a brilliant one nonetheless! Unfortunately, this is a oneliner I will never get to use.
Azrael Haraldssen 4 years ago
Considering this man's job is to deal with the public, no matter how boring they may be, I'd say he really sucks at his job. I think he needs to rethink his lifechoices.
Daniel Marsh 4 years ago
Not a comeback, just being an asshole to someone awkwardly trying to make smalltalk. "Whaddaya want, can't you see I'm busy?" would've been less like an asshole. And that's the best comeback this person ever heard OF?
#31
This will get buried, but after 2 weeks of a blockhead coming in late in high school, the teacher openly warns him in front of the class “I’m going to mark you truant if you’re late again.” So he goes “what does that mean?” And my quiet ass pops up and says “it means you’re late and also need a dictionary” and I had the whole class going, teacher popped a smirk. I am still proud.
Katie Andrews 4 years ago
And as a now-retired teacher, I've said "thank you, I couldn't say it, but you sure can".
s. vitkovitsky 4 years ago
Maybe had a bad home life and learning disability, but let's make fun of him anyway.
Rabbit Carrot 4 years ago
This! Yeah he might be a tardy layabout but he might also have problems at home and a reason why he’s always late. The person with the comeback is a potential a-hole and a bully.
Load More Replies... Daniel Marsh 4 years ago
Since we're on smart-ass comments we've made rather than come-backs: heavy, middle-aged teacher brags about eating animals he's hunted for food: "I've eaten rabbit, dear, squirrels; I've even eaten bear." Me:"That's an image none of us want in our heads." Bear/bare? He was speechless literally for minutes. Every time he thought he had his composure, he'd lose it again.
Mewton’s Third Paw 4 years ago (edited)
Wow, what a loser. Imagine being so rude to someone for something that has NOTHING to do with you, and they were just asking an honest question so they’d know what a word meant, and then being so proud of it that you remember it like 20 years later. Vom. People who mind other people’s business are the worst. Imagine being upset that SOMEONE ELSE was late to something you weren’t waiting for.
#32
I asked my mum out of curiosity what she would do if she found a used condom in my brother's room.
Her response: "I would remind him that you can't get HIV from your own hand"
For context, I live in South Africa where HIV is very common
#33
I worked with an older gentleman who was from Chicago. He had a story or an opinion on everything and he was very proud of his smack talking talents.
The entire department was walking off to a meeting and, as it was summer and many of us were wearing shorts, somehow the topic shifted to the lack of hair on somebody's legs. Mr Smack Talker spouted out the comment that "hair don't grow on dead things." All I had to do was look at his head and arch an eyebrow. He had let the fact that he was quite bald escape his memory.
GenXandEarnedItAll 4 years ago
Uh...not to be crude, but I'm pretty sure the other head is bald too.
#34
Somewhere on this planet, there is a tree that has spent it's entire life creating the oxygen you breathe. You should find that tree and apologize.
Grady'sRaider 4 years ago
The very air we breathe, the water we drink, and the food we eat is the same used by the life that came before us. All created by an exploding star. Humbling and exhilarating at the same time.
Madison Sadler 4 years ago
Wait, wasn't that Alexander Hamilton who said that? (sorry, i'm a theater kid lol)
#35
"Your mom's a wh*re!"
"AND YOUR DAD'S A CUSTOMER!"
Funniest s**t I've ever heard.
Vic 4 years ago
"She quit after your Dad started taking up all her customers" would be my response..
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s. vitkovitsky 4 years ago
The insult comeback is 'your father has sex with my mother, for money' ...
#36
A kid in high school tried to insult me by pointing out my long hair. "Yo guy, you have long-a*s hair". I proceeded to follow him around asking him how he knew about my long ass hairs. He quickly started backtracking and saying he was not gay.
Uber Mensch 4 years ago
Was asked once if I was a man or a woman. Responded with "I'm man enough for your momma!".
Mewton’s Third Paw 4 years ago
Maybe believable if it was like 15 years ago. These days that joke is so played out it wouldn’t move anyone.
#37
We were having a debate about something during history class in high school. Kid who had a reputation for being a jerk told this girl who had a reputation for sleeping around to shut her mouth. She retorted, “At least people like when I open my mouth!” Entire class lost their s**t including the teacher.
Arctic Fox Lover 4 years ago
She's talking bout oral sex. "At least people like when I open my mouth."
Load More Replies... #38
Bully: You're a piece of s**t Kid that was get bullied: and you're the rest of it Ps: No one really liked this kid but after this he got mad respect.
Shelby Jackson 4 years ago
I had to read it twice. I think it's the way it's typed out lol
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Fieke Engelen 4 years ago
I think it was translated from another language. Translate literally it ends up haywire sometimes
#39
Old mans response to Hipster calling him a 'Boomer ars*hole'........ 'If it weren't for ar*eholes like me, sh*t like you wouldn't exist'.
Carmen Sandiego 4 years ago (edited)
Apply aloe vera to burnt area. We gonna need a lot of aloe vera.
#40
“What are you even doing?”
“Minding my own f**king business, you should try it sometime.”
It was one of those moments where everyone around heard it and went, “ooooohhhh…” at the same time, and it has always stuck with me.
Kathryn Baylis 4 years ago (edited)
In my head, I heard that collective “Oooooohhh”, and it sounded like the crowd at a fireworks display (but without the follow up “Aaaahhhh”).
Amanda Hunter 4 years ago
My ex used to say 'i'm minding my own business' when I'd ask him what he was doing. So happy to be divorced.
#41
Worked in a preschool years ago. Had this one kid who could be a real booger sometimes. Giving the other kids thumbs down, saying he didn't like them, absolutely devastating to the other kids. I was constantly hearing "Miss Bells, Isaac said he didn't like me!" Then, Isaac made a fatal mistake. He tried it on a three year old girl. Isaac: I don't like you! Three Year Old: Well, my mommy LIKES me! Shut him right up. It was absolutely gorgeous and a little vicarious victory. The three year old was super sassy. Maybe not as snappy as the other responses here, but I still chuckle at it to this day.
IlovemydogShilo 4 years ago
A little boy in a class I worked in said to a girl "I don't like you" to wo which she replied " Well I don't like you either but the difference between and me is that at least I have good taste".
Amanda Hunter 4 years ago
I was called a silly sausage by a fellow pupil when I was 6. I've never got over it.
#42
"I have neither the crayons, nor the time to explain it to you"
#43
My BIL made a joke about paying a doctor a couple bucks to add the “husband stitch.” My SIL said “too bad we couldn’t afford to pay him to add the extra inches you need.”
Not A Panda 4 years ago
It was (at least I hope it WAS!) and many women who had it done to them could no longer have sex without pain afterwards, it was a horrible practice. But eh, as long as they boys got a nice tight you know what, who cares how the women feel eh!
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Sheila Stamey 4 years ago
I had a male ob/ gyno who thought it was great to make really silly jokes while examining down "there" whilst I only wanted to examine the pretty ceiling tiles and ignore him. After a visit or two (I was having a difficult pregnancy) I waited through the obligatory knock knock, etc. I knew it was his way of trying to put me at ease. But being the smart aleck I am and it's being really hard to laugh in that position, I told him " hey Doc, btw my husband misplaced his air force ring, while you're down there, look around for it would you?" I will never forget the stunned silence followed by his eyes above the sheet. Then we both cracked up and he said, "point taken, jokes later, right?" 😂😂😂😂
Manuela Martins 4 years ago
OMG, what a savage comeback! Well done. BIL needs a few stitches around the mouth to get an idea of how painful it is...
Little Panda Bear 4 years ago
That "husband stitch" is absolutely monstrous and is making me squirm. It just adds extra pain.
#44
I had a co-worker who was a bit of a bully. He was an alumnus of William and Mary and wouldn't shut up about it. (We worked with plenty of people who went to better colleges than that, but nobody else was as obnoxious as this guy.) His daughter got into UVA, and I congratulated him because "it's every parent's dream that their kid does just a little bit better than they did."
max martin (they/them) 4 years ago
for any non americans or people unfamiliar with these universities: william and mary and university of virginia are two public schools in the us in the same relative location. uva is slightly more competitive than william and mary, although they are both good schools
aubergine10003 4 years ago
Nice try, but William & Mary is actually harder to get into than UVA - it's a lot smaller and is also a state school.
#45
For some background, I’m gay. I decided to wear nail polish to school a while back and in my foods class I was washing dishes when another (straight, kind of a jerk) guy walks up to me and says “Oh… I’m sure you’ll have all the guys fawning of you” so I responded “I wish” and his expression was priceless. After the fact I told this to my friends and my best friend (who is lesbian) says that I should have said “Why, are you interested?”
LivingTheDream 4 years ago
All three of my sons have work nail polish at some time or another thinking they were doing something cool.... Then I showed them pics from me in the 80's when metalheads wore smudged eyeliner and painted nails.... and the spandex glam metal photos.... they about died laughing seeing their old man in leopard print spandex pants with a spiked belt held by handcuffs
julia 4 years ago
i think it’s because the bully was bullying abt the op’s “fragile masculinity” without knowing op was gay?
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My own. A much shorter co-worker walked up to the desk, with two cute women, one on each arm, smiling at me, and said, "Jealous?". I replied, "No, I never wanted to be short'. His face dropped, and the girls snickered.
Crazy Meerkat Lady 4 years ago (edited)
Then they shouldn't be hanging on his arms as if they are Edit: People want to downvote this but I am also a woman and why would I be hanging on a man's arm WITH ANOTHER WOMAN. What does that look like? Some pimp and his two side chicks. So yeah, women aren't jewels, but still, carry yourself as a lady then, show that to others and you will be treated as such
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Arctic Fox Lover 4 years ago
I know people are saying "Dude, women aren't jewels" but like... women don't have to hang onto dudes' arms and BE jewels. Speaking as a girl who thinks that women shouldn't be treated as jewels, but should also choose not to act like jewels.
Fiona Morris 4 years ago
A child i was looking after was allowed to go on the floating obstacle course at the local pool which was for kids 10+ even though she was only 7 as she was a great swimmer. While waiting in line a shorter boy behind her asked 'how old are you? She replied '7' "You aren't old enough to go on! said the boy, quick as a whip her response 'at least im tall enough!
Nadine Bamberger 4 years ago
Where do you work? Playboy mansion? Must be somewhere this kind of casual seismic is considered funny.
#47
When I was working as a bartender one Halloween, I came dressed as an old Western style bartender (complete with mustache and accent). We had the evening split up into a little costume party for kids and families in the earlier hours, and then an adults only costume piss up later on.
One of the regulars laughed at my costume and said I looked stupid, so I told him
"You should probably come back after the kids have gone because you've come dressed as a c*nt".
He didn't talk to me for weeks after that. It was blissful.
François Carré 4 years ago
Those "regulars"... some of them are really obnoxious and you have to deal with them like every day ; they really feel at home, get very familiar and entitled, and don't realize you hardly tolerate them, and just because it's your job to do so. Then, one precious day, you get the occasion to shut them up for good. Don't miss that one.
SuperChicken 4 years ago
That's the thing, those type of regulars feel they're entitled so they do all those stupid crap.
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Anne Mitchell 4 years ago
That is a pathetic come back. Really pathetic and certainly not clever.
Mattewis88 4 years ago (edited)
How is it misogynistic? Please take me on that trip through your mind. I'm female and I use the word quite a bit, never ever bothered me, never even occurred to me. Any gender can be one, a dog can be one, I stub my toe on the coffee table - yep that's one too.
Load More Replies... #48
This was my mom. (My mom is a very sweet woman who loves all of us kids but also loves to joke around with us so this might sound mean but it's not and was a joke so please no rude comments about it. We were all old enough to know it was a joke. She the kind of woman who will be brought to tears from someone hitting her car then blaming her instead of standing up for herself.) Now, I have two younger siblings, a sister and the youngest, a brother. Anyway, when we were younger my brother, who was in the annoying, no filter I'm going to say what I want, teen phase would tease my sister. (He too is not a bad guy now, but was a little brat at that age and will admit it. He would be the first, even at that age to knock a kid down for teasing any of his older sisters. Only he is allowed to lol). This time they were going at it and he was teasing her about how she was the 'mistake' child and wasn't planned, etc. And she would retort that FedEx dropped him off. It was actually very funny to watch. My brother though was taking things a little too far and it was no longer funny but annoying to my sister when my mom came down, already over the constant fighting with them, and with a completely straight face pointed at me first, then my sister, than him, while saying about each of us. "No, she was a surprise, she was unplanned, you were the mistake." and then calmly walked off to the kitchen to get a drink. My dad poked his head around the corned from the computer just stunned with his mouth open and about to laugh, my sister just died, my brother who couldn't help but smile also had to try and save himself from that savage burn but it was too late. Best. Burn. Ever.
Kimberly Young 4 years ago
My mom always said that my sister was planned, I was a surprise, and my brother was a shock.
Evelyn Haskins 4 years ago
I always said that my first 3 children were planned. An number 4 was my reward.:-)
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Desiree McKinnon 4 years ago
I was the 'miracle' child. Mom's doctors told her she couldn't have children. At 36 she had me. 1 month later she turned 37. At 38 & 1/2 mom had my sister: the 'suprise'.
Arctic Fox Lover 4 years ago
My brother was the surprise, I was the "Welp, I knew this would happen" and all my other siblings were just "pleasant" surprises
real._.izuku 4 years ago
my mother and i where joking around. I mention about how I was a mistake, and my mother goes, "yea, you were" Well thanks mom, I needed that
Vicki Perizzolo 4 years ago
My mother always said if she had to do it over again she wouldn't.... hmmmmm
#49
I observed this walking to the men’s room at a bar in Nashville. A legitimately cross-eyed man exiting the bathroom while someone else was walking in and they bumped into each other. It wasn’t anything serious. But it still lead to this exchange: Cross-eyed man: Watch where you’re going! Non-Cross-eyed man: Go where you’re watching!
Kari Panda 4 years ago (edited)
Well, the cross-eyed person was rude first. Such things happen. Most people will just share a brief, slightly sheepish laugh and that’s it.
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#50
"I wouldn't go out with you if you were the last man on Earth!"
"B**ch, if I was the last man on Earth, you wouldn't even be allowed in line!"
denzoren 4 years ago
I need context for this. Was he asking her out...was this in response to something he said before this.
Evelyn Haskins 4 years ago
Nothing funny about this. Unless he was suggesting that the only reason any female would like him was if he really WAS the last man of Earth. (Which I think would be wishful thinking anyway!)
#51
Work in a factory with a really short guy. This other dude picked on him a lot. One day in the bathroom the taller guy asks, “do you want me to pick you up so you can wash your hands?” Short guy turns to the guy beside him and asks, “will you pick me up so he can kiss my a*s?” I was in tears.
François Carré 4 years ago
"There are no short people, the right length for legs is when your feet touch the ground well" (Coluche).
François Carré 4 years ago
Now I picture it as a scene with Tyrion Lannister and Sandor "the Hound" Clegane.
#52
I was working on a railroad signal crew. We were behind on a project and were told that we'd have to work Saturday on an upcoming 3 day weekend. About noon that Friday, the foreman tells us that we've caught up enough that we can go now and enjoy our holiday weekend. One member of my crew was this huge angry viking of a man. Think 6'5", 400lbs. He shouted "Yeah! I'm going to go home and surprise my girlfriend with a big d**k!" With absolute horror, I heard my own voice say "That would be a surprise, since you left home this morning with a little one." Fortunately, he thought it was hilarious because he was between me and the door.
#53
Was at a work outing (team building type thing) and Assh*le Coworker had brought his girlfriend and their infant along. Girlfriend was looking in the diaper bag for something, and pulled out a condom, which AC proceeded to jokingly declare was the wrong size. Without blinking she reassured him, 'it's ok honey, we'll get you some smaller ones!'
#54
I don't know if I remember this 100% correctly but here we go. In class, I had that one kid who would try get popularity points by adding his comment on everything a teacher would say. One time in class, he was being his usual disrespectful and disruptive self. In Social Studies, we talked about controversy around immigrants being deported from the USA. I believe he said something along the lines of "All immigrants should be deported" when all of a sudden, the quiet kid (me) barked back "Then why are you still here?" (He was not originally born in the USA nor NZ - my country). I went from being the quiet kid to the popular kid in 2 seconds.
kathoco 4 years ago (edited)
Well no, it depends on how you define immigrant. If it's someone who wasn't born in the country, then you're wrong. If you think it's something about being the "original" people, then yes. But it's ridiculous to think native Americans were ALWAYS there, since they too arrived on the continent. They didn't originate there, either. So they are immigrants, too, by your definition.
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Ryan Deschanel 4 years ago
The quiet kid is always the popular kid. The noisy, confident, arrogant outgoing jerk is never popular.
#55
Boss had just fired an insufferable as**ole who was disliked by basically everyone despite his fantastic work ethic on a Friday. The following Monday he comes in to give a little pep talk to the department about how he'll hire a replacement asap. At one point he drops something like " and that Jim guy is such an as**ole I almost feel sorry for him. Who would ever hire a guy like that". Without hesitation the new kid who was working there maybe a week at the time drops "well, you did". I nearly pissed myself laughing.
#56
Not really a comeback in the argumentative sense, but just a quick rejoinder. My older brother and I were flying a kite he built. A guy walks by asking how we got it to fly so high. He responded, "long strings." This was more than 40 years ago, and although he passed away nearly 2 decades ago, i have always cherished that memory of him.
#57
I grew up in a very conservative community, where women were expected to have long hair, wear dresses, get married, have babies, be homemakers, etc. I left at 18 and did scandalous things like went to university, wore shorts and cut my hair short, so basically was a harlot in their eyes. I went back for my brother's wedding years later and ran into an old friend. He hadn't aged well, to put it gently. That didn't stop him from mocking my brother for being short, making some snide comments about my lack of children, asking if I was still "gallivanting around" or if I'd settled down yet, and saying, "your hair gets shorter and shorter every time I see you." I snapped back with, "at least I still have hair."
#58
A kid in highschool kept telling other kids that he f**ked their mom, one kid replied "yeah, she told me about that, worst sex she ever had".
Grady'sRaider 4 years ago
There's the old one about the guy in high school falsely claiming he had sex with a girl, and the girl retaliating claiming he couldn't.
#59
A man was on his way out the door in a convenience store. Cashier: You have a good one! Man: Thanks for noticing!
#60
"That's what she said" "Not to you, she didn't." It takes the right setup, but it was devastating the first time I heard it.
#61
In a book, A king is about to break a promise, and when he gets called out, says "Are you questioning my honor?" and the guy responds "No, I was counting on it".
Eric Lafleur 4 years ago
Heard that in a Star Trek movie, In an exchange between Picard and Worf.
#62
This might be too good to be true, but a guy told me he was in line at Safeway and the guy in front of him was on the phone with his son next to him. Another person said "you should be talking to your son, it's father's day". Without missing a beat he said , "gotta go dad" and hung up.
Emma Byrne 4 years ago (edited)
You should probably ask yourself why you feel threatened by inclusivity to the point you have to make up bullshit on the internet. No one, not one single person is doing what you describe. For the sake of your own sanity, some introspection might help.
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#63
I was working in tech. It was common for someone to call us right before a presentation to hook up a laptop to our system in the meeting room. Can't tell you how many times I'm feverishly working while the meeting is going on. This happened again one day when things just wouldn't talk to one another, and I really didn't have time to track down the issue with the room full of our entire staff. It came time for the presentation to be put up on the big monitor and I shook my head to the guy to tell him it wasn't connecting. "So, Marv, You can't get it up?" I immediately hung my head and said "oh don't say it like THAT!" The entire office broke up and they never let him live it down.
#64
I (f19) was playing a game of among us (hide and seek) with some guys and one guy was trying to be funny by saying bad jokes like women don't belong in games, ect. But then, he told me this: Guy: women belong in the kitchen (Game loads and i am the imposter) Me: oh yeah? Well do you know what's in the kitchen? (I find him immediately after loading up) Me: KNIVES B**CH!!! and i killed him! Best come back i ever did! Made my SO proud as well !
#65
I am a lawyer. There was a small protest over a recent decision outisde the courthouse. A non local but very experienced and senior prosecutor was in town for a matter and had to pass the demonstrators. One of the demonstrators yelled at him as he was walking, "I bet you suck c*ck!" This legend yelled back, "Lucky guess!" If I ever get half as good as he was, I will be fulfilled.
#66
Two neighbors (renters, young and dating while living together) took their argument to the front yard. Screaming for 15 minutes. Fight ended with: Her: "That doesn't change the fact that you went down on my mom!" Him: "Well you didn't complain when she paid me $500 for it!" Not a witty retort or anything, but me and the neighbor lady who came over so we could listen together both agreed that they reached the apex of that argument.
Bender Bending Rodríguez 4 years ago
I really need to know if that's the reason behind argument.
#67
5th grade. We did a parade with our Halloween costumes on. Me and my group of friends passed a girl from our class one of my buddies makes eye contact and says "what are you looking at". Without even thinking about it, this 5th grade girl says "not much" condescendingly. Idk why that stuck with me.
#68
My uncle and I worked at a Burger King together. I was a shift lead. He was b*tching to me about a useless coworker that none of us wanted to work with. This guy was maybe a year older than me (I'm 22) and was just in a poor state. He didnt shower, his arms covered in track marks, and hed show up late or not at all, and when he did he'd over extend breaks and would get high on the clock. He over heard my uncle and started to pipe up to stop him, when my uncle turned and flat out told him "you're about as useful as a submarine with screen doors" Another one from my uncle to the same guy was "I've had more intelligent conversations with a couch from ikea."
Kiss Army 4 years ago
The BK in our town always seems to employ the lowest common denominator...
Load More Replies... #69
My dad is a very large man, 6'5" and pretty round. He looks a little like Hagrid when he lets his beard grow long. A friend of his was over one day and my dad was giving him a hard time about being short (I'd guess the guy was about 5'7"). Just the usual jokes about being "vertically challenged" or needing a ladder to climb into his truck... After 10 or 20 minutes of joking around the friend just yelled "I'M SORRY I DON'T HAVE TO BEND DOWN TO CHANGE A F**KING LIGHTBULB, DAN!"
Karen Lyon 4 years ago
Yeah. It stops being funny after awhile. All the men in my family are short, they have all had to put up with that s**t.
#70
We had friends over for dinner. I asked one of them if he wanted his stew on top or beside the pasta. He said he wanted it doggy style. I put it on the floor and said "come here boy!"
Ryan Deschanel 4 years ago
Plot twist : it was exactly what he meant, and they all had a great night.
#71
Mom and dad were arguing.
Mom: Kiss my a*s!
Dad: Mark your spot, you're all a*s!
#72
Picked my niece up from school once and teacher had sent a note home that another girl called my niece’s shoes ugly and she slapped back with “shut up you-sketchers-wearing-a*s-b**ch” and I still think about that a lot she was maybe 7 then I need to somehow channel her energy
#74
I was the victim of this. A restaurant I liked had gone out of business and I was complaining to my friend. I paraphrased Homer Simpson: "I'm a white male, age 18-45. Everyone's supposed to cater to me." His response: "Yes, but you spend like a Japanese female, age 12-17."
#75
I've heard many, but one that I'll tell you is when I was watching 'King Yakko' from Animaniacs. Mr. Tator is the dictator that attempted to take over Anvilania (the nation Yakko is King of) and he was wearing an entertainment costume. He looks like a jester in the costume. For context, the dictator's nick-name was Mr. Tator. I'll attempt to quote this correctly: Mr. Tator: "This is the suit of a good man!" Yakko: "Does he know you're wearing it?"
#76
Someone I knew was standing outside a building smoking a cigarette. A karen in a karate outfit approaches him to say, "Those things will kill you." His response? "So will ninjas."
PurpleDoople 4 years ago
That’s not a Karen, that’s someone who’s worried. Karen’s are selfish and entitled. None of these actions match that.
#77
I dont know if you’d classify this as a comeback, but this is my favorite. me and my buddy (who’s a pretty big guy and can fight) were at the bar having some drinks when some drunk dude came up and started antagonizing me (who’s short and skinny) trying to piss me off to fight me and my buddy told the guy to back off and go away and he turned and said “what did you say to me” and my buddy stood up and squared up and looked him in the eye and said “I said you better sit your 5 dollar ass down before I make change”. The guy stared in awe and my buddy said “do you I need to open up the register to get the change”. The guy just quietly sat down on the other end of the bar
Mere Cat 4 years ago
Reminds me when my sister and my brother were at a bar and some slimy guy comes hitting on my sister and doesn't take no for an answer. Our brother calmly sits his extremely tall and athletic physique on the guy's lap, puts his arm around him and gives him a long speech about how no means no. :D
#78
Myself and buddy, both grown adults were on our way to NFL game with my 15 year old brother and his 14 years old friend. We stopped at a Mexican restaurant to eat before game and my buddy orders one of those giant fishbowl margaritas. Brothers friend (14) "Jesus Scott you think you have a problem with alcohol. My buddy didn't miss a beat and immediately comes back with: "Absolutely, I have to wait until 1:00 on Sunday before the let me buy it, and that's a f*cking problem me." I nearly pissed myself
#79
My friend was.overweight and his grandfather always teased him about it. Their mutual sharp wit always kept it entertaining until Grandpa's mind went. ..except it turned out he had gangrene in his leg, and when they admitted it, grandpa was suddenly back to normal. One day he hobbles in and catches my friend making a large sandwich, while eating a smaller one. The night one was for lunch later but gramps laid into him anyway. "What are you. Reading two sandwiches? You know that's why you're fat. ...fatty." My friend had gotten tired of this stuff by now so he just turns to him walking around on a prosthetic with a cane and says "Aren't you supposed to be losing an ass kicking contest somewhere?"
#80
woman: "... I was just trying to give you my 2 cents." man: "yeah, that's about what it was worth."
#81
"at least I don't have an abandoned child in South America" during an argument between some hippies dudes. That one hippie said f**k peace and love and chose violence that day.
#85
BG- I was teaching an elementary special ed class. Two of the kids had the worst gas, for real, a boy and a girl. They’d fart constantly. The boy knew he was farting and thought it was funny, while the girl didn’t quite seem to be aware that the noise was coming from her own body. Story- we’re going along having a normal day in class when the girl had an extra loud/stanky fart. The boy looks over and says, “Girl! Stop farting already!”. I laughed and said, “Boy you can’t talk! You fart all the time and you know it.” Boy looks at me, all confused, and goes, “but Ms snoohedgehog, I AM talking! I’m talking right now!”
Dark Pearl 4 years ago
I had something similar where a girl called me dumb. I said, 'You can talk.' And this bitch responds with 'I just did actually'.
#86
In high school, a gay dude was fighting with a hot chick and the dude said, “b**ch you could eat corn on the cob through a chain link fence!” He said it during class it was awesome
#87
I was trying to talk s**t to my Asian coworker who wasn't doing anything and was just standing there. I said "are you on a strike?". He said "Yeah I'm on a air strike". I'm Middle Eastern btw
#89
"I know you are, but what am I?" Boooom! That ruined 6 year old me.
#90
My old boss (a fat bastard) was always putting me down infront of my coworkers at team meetings. So one day, I says: Me: "Hey Ron, I've got some good news for you." Fat, D*ckhead Boss: "Oh yeah, what's that?" Me: "Jenny Craig called, they're giving you your money back."
What do you think ?
Full of Giggles 4 years ago (edited)
My ex-husband and I were eating at a bar one night. It’s important to note that I was morbidly obese at the time. I was in the middle of eating a hamburger when an extremely drunk guy stumbles up to our table and yells “look everyone! We’ve got a cannibal over here!” Everyone stops and looks at each other like “wtf is he talking about?” He then leans in and whispers, “you know? You are what you eat? You’re a cow. You’re eating your kind.” Without missing a beat my husband deadpans, “Wow. You must eat a lot of d**k and ass.”
IlovemydogShilo 4 years ago
There was a girl in my class who always had a boyfriend, sometimes more than one at a time. She was making fun of me one day for not having one at all and bragging how she always had one. "It must be always frustrating to know that boys will always go for me and not you" was one of her remarks". To which I replied " that's because boys always prefer the cheaper and easier option."! Even our old English teacher laughed at that one.
Ka Se 4 years ago
This kind of behavior usually pinpoint to some poroblems somebody has. Probably the girl was grieving for love and acceptance. Well, well, teenage years...
Load More Replies...
B 4 years ago
At college I wandered into another class to speak to a friend of mine. The class hadn't started yet. So we were talking when the lecturer came in. I started heading out and the teacher turned to me and said all sarcastically, 'I'm sorry, are you in this class?' I looked around the room and then replied, also perhaps a tad sarcastically, ' At the moment, yes.' I got into a lot of trouble for that. :(
Sioux White 4 years ago (edited)
I have a bad habit of opening my mouth before thinking and occasionally it works. I was driving when this convertable car top down cut me up from a side road only just missed him. We both ended up stopping next to each other in two lane traffic when I yelled " I wish your dad pulled out as fast as that" my pre teen daughter didnt stop laughing for miles
Chucky Cheezburger 4 years ago
I used to be pretty overweight and would have people rub my belly like I was pregnant (Im a guy with guy parts for reference) and ask when it was due. I'd look at them and say" I dunno but its gotta be soon, and I think its a baby elephant, cuz its trunk is already hangin out. Wanna give it a kiss?"
InfectedVoice 4 years ago
I always have good comebacks, about 4 days after the incident, while I'm trying to go to sleep.
Axolotl King 4 years ago
I saw a tiktok and it was this mom telling this story: Backstory: teenage girl and (? Age) boy arguing about something. Boy: *Brings up the size of his dong* Boy: "Don't believe me? Ask your mom" Teen Girl: "Ha jokes on you, my moms a lesbian, don't believe me? Ask YOUR mom!"
Alexander McAuley (STUDENT) 4 years ago
I was wearing a hat I really liked. Class bully pointed to my hat and said "What the F**k is that Piece of Sh*t?" My response? "Not yours, you jealous D**chebag!" Got the whole class laughing.
Carol Emory 4 years ago
Neighbor's daughter had a boyfriend who was kind of a jerk to her. I didn't like him much. Everything was always about him. So when he rushed up to me one day, took off his shirt and turned around saying "Look at my new tattoo. It's my last name across my shoulders!" I replied "Oh good. Now it will be easier for the police to identify the body." His shoulders dropped and he put his shirt back on with his head hanging down. I thought her sister was going to need medical attention she was laughing so hard.
Full of Giggles 4 years ago (edited)
My ex-husband and I were eating at a bar one night. It’s important to note that I was morbidly obese at the time. I was in the middle of eating a hamburger when an extremely drunk guy stumbles up to our table and yells “look everyone! We’ve got a cannibal over here!” Everyone stops and looks at each other like “wtf is he talking about?” He then leans in and whispers, “you know? You are what you eat? You’re a cow. You’re eating your kind.” Without missing a beat my husband deadpans, “Wow. You must eat a lot of d**k and ass.”
IlovemydogShilo 4 years ago
There was a girl in my class who always had a boyfriend, sometimes more than one at a time. She was making fun of me one day for not having one at all and bragging how she always had one. "It must be always frustrating to know that boys will always go for me and not you" was one of her remarks". To which I replied " that's because boys always prefer the cheaper and easier option."! Even our old English teacher laughed at that one.
Ka Se 4 years ago
This kind of behavior usually pinpoint to some poroblems somebody has. Probably the girl was grieving for love and acceptance. Well, well, teenage years...
Load More Replies... B 4 years ago
At college I wandered into another class to speak to a friend of mine. The class hadn't started yet. So we were talking when the lecturer came in. I started heading out and the teacher turned to me and said all sarcastically, 'I'm sorry, are you in this class?' I looked around the room and then replied, also perhaps a tad sarcastically, ' At the moment, yes.' I got into a lot of trouble for that. :(
Sioux White 4 years ago (edited)
I have a bad habit of opening my mouth before thinking and occasionally it works. I was driving when this convertable car top down cut me up from a side road only just missed him. We both ended up stopping next to each other in two lane traffic when I yelled " I wish your dad pulled out as fast as that" my pre teen daughter didnt stop laughing for miles
Chucky Cheezburger 4 years ago
I used to be pretty overweight and would have people rub my belly like I was pregnant (Im a guy with guy parts for reference) and ask when it was due. I'd look at them and say" I dunno but its gotta be soon, and I think its a baby elephant, cuz its trunk is already hangin out. Wanna give it a kiss?"
InfectedVoice 4 years ago
I always have good comebacks, about 4 days after the incident, while I'm trying to go to sleep.
Axolotl King 4 years ago
I saw a tiktok and it was this mom telling this story: Backstory: teenage girl and (? Age) boy arguing about something. Boy: *Brings up the size of his dong* Boy: "Don't believe me? Ask your mom" Teen Girl: "Ha jokes on you, my moms a lesbian, don't believe me? Ask YOUR mom!"
Alexander McAuley (STUDENT) 4 years ago
I was wearing a hat I really liked. Class bully pointed to my hat and said "What the F**k is that Piece of Sh*t?" My response? "Not yours, you jealous D**chebag!" Got the whole class laughing.
Carol Emory 4 years ago
Neighbor's daughter had a boyfriend who was kind of a jerk to her. I didn't like him much. Everything was always about him. So when he rushed up to me one day, took off his shirt and turned around saying "Look at my new tattoo. It's my last name across my shoulders!" I replied "Oh good. Now it will be easier for the police to identify the body." His shoulders dropped and he put his shirt back on with his head hanging down. I thought her sister was going to need medical attention she was laughing so hard.
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