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“I Don’t Have The Crayons”: 50 Of The Very Best Insults To Humble Folks Who’re Asking For It
In the same way that a builder will have a toolbox of things they need for different jobs, a person should have a few ways to tell someone that their skull no doubt makes a hollow noise when tapped. After all, you never know when you’ll need a verbal tool to tell someone that they are, well, a tool.
So we’ve gathered some of the best insults that people have kept locked and loaded for a rainy day. Get comfortable as you read through, take note of the best ones, upvote your favorites and be sure to share your own thoughts, ideas and experiences in the comments section down below.
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#1
“Oh I’m sorry! Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the start of yours?”
I heard that in a video and laugh every time I think about it.
StrangeOne 4 months ago
I like Tom Snyder's response to John Lydon in that one interview: "Excuse me for talking while you were interrupting."
RELATED:
#2
In my younger days, I was often questioned- “ You are young, pretty and have a great job. Why are you not married?”
And I would always respond….
“Well, I have not met a man that deserves to be that happy.” 😊
#3
Seen in Irish Pub;
“I am somewhat of a bullsh**ter myself, but occasionally I enjoy listening to an expert. Please, carry on”.
#4
I admire your confidence. If I were that consistently wrong, I don’t think I’d have the courage to keep talking.
#5
My husband was being relentlessly hit on by a nasty woman and she wanted his phone number (after he tried to tell her he was married - so was she apparently) so he says “do you have a pen?” To which she replies “sure!” and tried to hand it to him … he says “good, you should probably get back to it before the farmer notices you’re missing” 🤣 heh heh 🐷
#6
A favorite line from Shakespeare “I do desire that we should be better strangers”.
LizzieBoredom 4 months ago
"Villian, I have done your Mother". Henry IV Part 2, Act 1, Scene 2
#7
Them: "You look better without your glasses on"
Me: You look better without my glasses on, too. ☺️
#8
"What an odd thing to say out loud".
#9
When I was 9 months pregnant, I went looking for my favorite snacky snack (Cadbury mini eggs) and my husband had eaten all of them. I just looked him dead in the eyes and said “…no jury on earth would convict me…”
After a long awkward pause we both laughed. But my laugh wasn’t the same as his laugh… 😐
Mel in Georgia 4 months ago
Oh, no sweetheart, you have crossed a line. Hope he got the intent!
#10
When someone makes a cruel/insensitive joke, pretend not to understand so they have to explain it. "Huh? I don't get it. Can you elaborate?"
#11
I was out in the community with a bunch of adults with special needs.
Very old woman: Back in my day, we kept people like that in cages.
Me: Back in my day, we kept people like you in nursing homes.
#12
I work in a call center, my go to once someone starts cussing me out is, "Wow, this must be a very frustrating situation to take it out on a complete stranger."
#13
Nurse with 25 years experience to the intern mansplaining her job to her:
"Wow look that was so interesting! And you with your training wheels and shiny new stethoscope, I'm so proud!"
#14
My daughter(5 at the time) told a bald man with a wrinkled scalp, "I can tell you're really smart, because I can see your brain on the outside!" He was clutching pearls and laughing at the same time. He still remembers this, 2 years later.
#15
1. Poor planning on your part is not an emergency on mine.
2. Changing the volume of your argument doesn't make it the right thing to say.
#16
I was a cashier at Lowe’s home improvement and customers would sometimes be rude or make offhanded remarks (DIY can be stressful, but it’s not my fault!)… I would smile, look them dead in the eye, and sweetly say, “I’m sorry I didn’t catch that. What did you say?” And maintain eye contact. Not really an insult, but most people can’t be jerks to your face. 🤣
#17
My fave i got in trouble in school for. Lazy girl in theatre didn’t want to help paint. She said she was allergic to latex. I yelled if you were allergic to latex you’d have like 5 kids by now. I got called into the office but my professor thought it was funny.
#18
I would explain it for you but I don't have the crayons..
Scott Rackley 4 months ago
I use that one except it's "I have neither the patience nor the crayons."
#19
I had a 3month old baby and Someone once made a remark about my wobbly stomach. I replied “I just had a baby, what’s your excuse?”
ॐBoyGanesh 4 months ago
I always got, “you’re so skinny,” to which I began to consistently reply with, “you’re so fat! We’re opposites!” in the cheeriest voice I could muster.
#20
“I’m surprised that you thought that was an appropriate thing to say.”
#21
The one time I go for personality over looks and you behave like this… 💀🤣
#24
I remember I started a new job and this coworker for 5 weeks straight, would insult people legitimately every 5 to 10 minutes all throughout the day. Everyone of course would laugh it off every time. However, by the 5th week, I was tired of it and some of the other coworkers, who I got to know said they knew this coworker was only joking and tried not to think about it. I decided to just play the same game but different. Every time this person insulted someone, I would turn to the person who was insulted and give them a compliment. I did this throughout the day without fail. Eventually this coworker turned their chair around to face me, obviously annoyed at me and said, "You know I'm only joking right?" I said to them right back, "You know I'm not right? I truly mean the compliments I give" and turned right back to my job. She quit 2 weeks later after that.
Crystalwitch60 4 months ago
Insults are not funny , they are bullying !! what horrid person that one was , n love the lovely way to shut her up lol
#25
People like you are the reason they have "how to use" on shampoo bottles.
#26
I hate it when (usually older men) tells a young lady to smile.
Tell them “Say something funny.”
When they start to talk make the wrong answer buzzer sound and give a blank stare.
Michael Largey 4 months ago
"Smile!" "Try backing up 30 feet or so, and let's see if that works."
#27
I said to a guy obsessed with eventually having a kid that I found out was cheating "I hope you never have a daughter that gets treated the way you treated me" so he could realize he's the guy he's scared of his daughter meeting one day 🙃
#28
An old movie taught me this one: when anyone says "you're smarter than you look," you respond: "thank you! I wish I could say the same for you!"
I suppose any adjective would work, too.
Also, just watch any old Marx Bros movie for epic zingers.
Damned_Cat 4 months ago (edited)
"I could dance with you 'til the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows 'til you come home." - Rufus T. Firefly
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Abby Louise Rexroth 4 months ago
When I do something clever and someone notices, so my favorite response is, "I'm not as dumb as my mom tells people I am." My mom doesn't insult me it's just a fun conversation starter/break the ice to show my warped sense of humor.
WakandaPanda 4 months ago
"OK leave in a huff, if that's too long, leave in a minute and a huff"
Uncle Panda 4 months ago (edited)
I've never found a nice way to say, "you're smarter than you look." And I've tried.
#29
My daughter was on the phone to my man and he asked "how's mum? Beautiful as ever?" My daughter looked at me for a moment before replying "...she's trying her best".
#31
Was on the phone with a particularly rude client and said " I'm going to give you an opportunity to call me back when you think you're ready to have a more mature conversation".
Mel in Georgia 4 months ago
There is no reason customer service should be forced to tolerate abuse. Good response.
#32
When someone is acting dumb my momma says "Jesus christ if your brains were shoes you'd be barefoot" 🤣😅☺️
nut nibbler 4 months ago
My grandparents used "if brains were dynamite you wouldn't have enough to blow your hat off"
#33
I love that you were confident enough to say that out loud.
Mel in Georgia 4 months ago
I say this as a question to myself: "Why were you so confident that you should say this out loud?" Then I hide under a rock.
#34
My boss screamed at me for messing up an order, I was like 17 at the time, and decided to say I was stupid and a worthless employee. I deadpanned at him and said "what do you mean?" He balked and was trying to explain himself and I just kept telling him "im sorry I dont understand" dude still avoids me to this day xD.
#35
When you're looking at a person who's talking absolute sh**e. Tell them this, “do you know that there's a tree out there, growing and supplying oxygen, just for you!! Go out there, find it...and APOLOGISE TO IT"
Devin Schmitt 4 months ago
You're not the dumbest person in the world, but you better hope they don't die.
#36
I had a teacher tell the teenagers in my class to enjoy being beautiful while they were young as it wouldn't last. He followed it up by saying that men however only grow more dignified with age. My retort was to hold my hands out in front of my stomach and say, "I know men like you. I've seen how their dignities grow."
#37
You’re so inspiring, every time I see you, I’m reminded how far confidence can take someone, even without the burden of self-awareness🙄.
#38
A sincere “Are you ok?” works wonders.
#39
Anytime anyone would approach my grandma when she wasn’t in the mood to talk she’d say “no thank you” in a very sweet English accent so you’d be so caught off guard thinking she was being sweet but it was actually kind of rude lol.
Mel in Georgia 4 months ago
That's also a very Southern US tactic among women. Sounding so sweet, but cutting you to the bone. Have been a victim before. It leaves you very confused and unable to respond.
#41
Intelligence has been chasing you your whole life but you have been faster.
Happy Blue Panda 4 months ago
I've heard common sense has been chasing you all your life but you keep out running it.
#43
My dad used to say to me, “when god gave out heads, you thought he said beds, and asked for a nice squishy one”.
LillieMean 4 months ago
I like to say that when intelligence was being dispensed, you'd probably be sitting in the corner licking an outlet instead of waiting in line.
#44
“Good effort.” I still say this to my students, completely dead pan, when they’re being plonkers.
#45
My daughter was maybe 2... this little boy at a party would not stop harassing her... She put her hand on him gently and in a calm little voice said, "It's okay that you're sad sometimes. Your Mommy doesn't love you." He was DISMANTLED! To this day still the most savage thing I've ever seen.
#46
My new favourite is “There We Are Then” they’re never sure if they’ve been insulted or not.
#47
I’m guessing that your family tree does not branch.
#48
Have the day you deserve.
But when someone is trying to put blame on me when it isn't my problem my favourite is "sounds like a you problem, not a me problem" 😂
#49
When someone tries to over explain something to me I say, “good job! That’s right!”
#50
I don't care what what anybody else says about you, I think your grand (thanks nanny 🤣🤣🤣)
Auntriarch 4 months ago
It's worse when you say the compliment first; stings are better in the tail.
#51
Idk if this counts, but I work retail and got yelled at by a guy walking into an employee only zone for informing him he isn't supposed to be there. Right as it happened, a coworker of mine witnessed it and pulled the man over and pointed out the "employees only" sign, saying "we have very clear signage, but I understand not everyone knows how to read".
#53
Talk to them like a child and make it obvious like “ okay sweetheart… I see you have big feelings and that you are really angry ☹️ do you need to have a time out 😳😩” 😏😏😏😂
ॐBoyGanesh 4 months ago (edited)
I ask them if they’ve missed their nap today. Then tell them, “I get it. When I miss my nap I, too, am capable of throwing a temper tantrum better than any 2 year old.”
#54
When I was finished getting ready for senior prom, I emerged from the bathroom in all my done-up glory. Mom and dad were standing there taking it all in.
Dad said "Oh babe, you got all your good looks from your mother." Mom gave a little sigh and smiled warmly.
After a beat, he said "That's why she doesn't have any left."
He got a punch in the arm for that one. 🤣
#55
Years ago I bought a red swimsuit for my holls and was trying it on at home to show my elderly mum. She said "ohhh, you look just like you are off Baywatch". My brother was just walking in and very casually said " more like effing Crimewatch!"
Gotta love him ❤️.
#56
"I really admire a man with so much confidence when he only has 3 hairs on his head, good for you"
Adding this cuz you all cant seem to grasp the concept of sticking up for yourself when someone's been digging at you for days:
I was in the army and on exercise with about 15 lads. I was the only woman, and we were travelling across Europe for 2 weeks. This one lad had been saying something to me pretty much each day and taking the p1ss, so I clapped back with this. Not the exact same wording, I think what I said was "how have you got so much audacity with so little hair?". He was fine with me after that.
#57
If brains were gasoline, you couldn't run two laps around a Cheerio.
Bill Galbreath 4 months ago
If brains were gasoline, you couldn't drive two laps around a Cheerio.
#58
“Nice to meet you, but we won’t be seeing you again”…..said by my grandma to one of my mums dates when she was younger 😂.
#59
“You’re not mad at me - you’re mad at your life.” 👀
SleepyVampire 4 months ago
My oldest daughter likes to say to men, "You aren't mad at me, you're mad at your weiner."
#60
My elderly neighbour once said to me - when I was carrying her shopping in from the car “ Ooh you are stronger than you look. Normally people carrying a lot of weight aren’t strong” Luckily I loved her so I just laughed 😂
#61
Were you not hugged enough as a child?
#62
When my daughter was 5 years old she overheard me and my sister talking about what she was going to buy for her boyfriends birthday when we hear my daughter quiet whisper "a new hairstyle" while rolling her eyes 😆.
#63
"Your mind is as vacant as your expression is composed."
#64
When they come at you just respond with "I'm sorry, but this is not a real conversation, you're just listening to respond, you're not listening to understand the situation better" then end the conversation with "I am not taking responsibility for a situation you caused." Usually leaves them pretty speechless.
Michael Largey 4 months ago
"Can we fast-forward to the interesting part of this conversation? There is an interesting part, right?"
#65
When someone’s trying to bully you or insult you just start staring at their teeth and when they’re done tell them they have something in their teeth or they have a booger hanging out of their nose.
#66
“Did I ask?” and there are so many ways to play with it as well which just makes it the best. Like “Isn’t it funny you told me that when I didn’t even ask?” or “that’s really cool, but did I ask?” seriously guys, get onto it.
#67
“Did you eat a lot of paint chips as a kid”.
#69
I said" I am leaving this relationship because I'm not a lesbian"... he cried.
Jen Hatcher:
I was reading some of these outloud, and me and the other lady laughed way too hard. The guys were confused for about 30seconds. Priceless! You are in my opinion the winner is the internet today.
#70
“That’s very Jesus of you”
When they try to hurt my feelings but they always talk about being more holy than thou.
#71
Ur getting mighty loud for an unsaved number.
#72
I once heard someone say at work..."I can't tell you what I really want to tell you because I'm a Christian woman."
#73
Stollen from the Princess Bride "You have a dizzying intellect".
#74
The look of absolute SHOCK on ppls faces when they cut me off in traffic, and I give them a firm thumbs down instead of flipping them off. You would've thought I just slapped them across the face! 😂
Geoffrey Scott 4 months ago
I applaud. Sometimes I say,"gee, I hope that wasn't the best idea you've had today."
#77
You aren't really making sense right now, but I'm glad you're having a good time.
~or~
You're cute. Now sit down and let the grownups get on with our day.
I've used these on some truly abusive people, and in return I got... blessed, blessed silence 🤣
#78
My mother in law every time she saw me. "You look tired " I stopped her in her tracks by saying... "it's nice to see you again too".
#80
I use to work in a call centre for a pay in your taxes injury insurance company, the internal moto of the company was 'people before process.'
Well one day I had this distraught client on the line but I couldn't help so rung the case owner huntline and the person who answered was very rude and just would not help my client (I knew they should be taking the call and they could help) so when they had gone through 'putting me in my place' (because I was just a lowely call centre staffer what would I know) I very calmly said "I hope you have a great day and sleep really well tonight knowing you put process over people" and then hung up on them before they could say a thing (very satisfying) they complained about me, it came down to my manager who had to listen to the call, she laughed then congratulated me and turn the complaint back on the person, they then got in a bunch of trouble and everytime time after that when I got them on the huntline they were polite, realised I knew my s**t and took the calls.
K**l them with kindness was my moto while working there, it makes angry people unnerved 😂.
Andrew Keir 4 months ago
What on Cthulhu's green earth is a "pay in your taxes injury insurance company" ?
What do you think ?
BeesEelsAndPups 4 months ago
It's not my style to insult a person a directly. I prefer to attack their statements, rather than who they are. Smart people say really dumb stuff sometimes, and idiots can occasionally tough the sublime. "Maybe next time you have that thought, don't say it out loud" or if I'm feeling generous, "I'm surprised somebody so intelligent would say something so inane".
Load More Replies...
Rose Stewart 4 months ago
"That was an inside thought" "I wouldn't trust you with a d.e.ad cactus"
CD Mills 4 months ago
I would tell my husband, "Better men than you have died for less than that.", and once he asked me, "If there are better men, why didn't you marry them?". I said, "Because they're all dead.". I had to wait for years for him to ask. LOL
BeesEelsAndPups 4 months ago
It's funny because you hate your spouse? I find it interesting that people flex about how miserable they are in their marriages. Just get a divorce.
Load More Replies...
LillieMean 4 months ago
The best thing about creative insults is when you get to test them on your target audience. It's still funny when my husband said to a really annoying guy, "Have you always been such a clown or did you have to go to circus school?"
Auntriarch 4 months ago (edited)
"Duelling is no longer legal, but if it were, and I had choice of weapons, I would choose grammar"
XenoMurph 4 months ago
"I would challenge you to a duel of wits, but I'd hate to harm an unarmed opponent."
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Rachel Pelz 4 months ago
I love the ones that comment the situation rather than the whole person. I mean, yes, some people may talk a lot of rubbish but still these "you have no brains at all" insults are cruel and condescending. Like, yeah, I'm the one who rules so much that I can judge your whole personality. Well, I can't so I try to remind myself to comment/insult the behavior in question. (I try)
Papa 4 months ago
"Couldn't pour plss out of a boot if the instructions were printed on the bottom of the heel."
Load More Replies... Saint_Zipcodus 4 months ago
"And I stared into eyes, completely untarnished by any kind of thirst for knowledge."
Ellinor she/they/elle 4 months ago
I don't know if that fit, but this morning I told my neighbour who keeps putting his music way too loud (like for real way too loud) that if he wasn't ready to live in a community he either had to go live on a farm in the middle of nowhere or face the consequences of his actions and that it would be me calling the police.
Michael Largey 4 months ago
How about "That music of yours is going to turn you deaf, and it makes me understand why you'd want to be."
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Chris the Bobcat 4 months ago
During a visitation, my ex and I got into an argument. She huffed and said she wasn't speaking to me anymore. I told her I would be a gentleman and pretend that was punishment.
Sparkle 4 months ago (edited)
My mom says don't bring a bazooka to a gun fight
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Annik Perrot 4 months ago
When morons fly, you'll be squad leader. And there's one I particularly like from the French movie "Les Tontons Flingueurs". "When they'll put morons on orbit, that one will be turning for à long while" (Quand on mettra les cons sur orbite, celui-là, il n'a pas fini de tourner )
Mi So 4 months ago
Anytime someone uses c**t as a derogatory term, all I can think is “they don’t deserve to be called that; they lack both the warmth & the depth”.
Load More Replies... BeesEelsAndPups 4 months ago
It's not my style to insult a person a directly. I prefer to attack their statements, rather than who they are. Smart people say really dumb stuff sometimes, and idiots can occasionally tough the sublime. "Maybe next time you have that thought, don't say it out loud" or if I'm feeling generous, "I'm surprised somebody so intelligent would say something so inane".
Load More Replies... Rose Stewart 4 months ago
"That was an inside thought" "I wouldn't trust you with a d.e.ad cactus"
CD Mills 4 months ago
I would tell my husband, "Better men than you have died for less than that.", and once he asked me, "If there are better men, why didn't you marry them?". I said, "Because they're all dead.". I had to wait for years for him to ask. LOL
BeesEelsAndPups 4 months ago
It's funny because you hate your spouse? I find it interesting that people flex about how miserable they are in their marriages. Just get a divorce.
Load More Replies... LillieMean 4 months ago
The best thing about creative insults is when you get to test them on your target audience. It's still funny when my husband said to a really annoying guy, "Have you always been such a clown or did you have to go to circus school?"
Auntriarch 4 months ago (edited)
"Duelling is no longer legal, but if it were, and I had choice of weapons, I would choose grammar"
XenoMurph 4 months ago
"I would challenge you to a duel of wits, but I'd hate to harm an unarmed opponent."
Load More Replies... Rachel Pelz 4 months ago
I love the ones that comment the situation rather than the whole person. I mean, yes, some people may talk a lot of rubbish but still these "you have no brains at all" insults are cruel and condescending. Like, yeah, I'm the one who rules so much that I can judge your whole personality. Well, I can't so I try to remind myself to comment/insult the behavior in question. (I try)
Papa 4 months ago
"Couldn't pour plss out of a boot if the instructions were printed on the bottom of the heel."
Load More Replies... Saint_Zipcodus 4 months ago
"And I stared into eyes, completely untarnished by any kind of thirst for knowledge."
Ellinor she/they/elle 4 months ago
I don't know if that fit, but this morning I told my neighbour who keeps putting his music way too loud (like for real way too loud) that if he wasn't ready to live in a community he either had to go live on a farm in the middle of nowhere or face the consequences of his actions and that it would be me calling the police.
Michael Largey 4 months ago
How about "That music of yours is going to turn you deaf, and it makes me understand why you'd want to be."
Load More Replies... Chris the Bobcat 4 months ago
During a visitation, my ex and I got into an argument. She huffed and said she wasn't speaking to me anymore. I told her I would be a gentleman and pretend that was punishment.
Sparkle 4 months ago (edited)
My mom says don't bring a bazooka to a gun fight
Load More Replies... Annik Perrot 4 months ago
When morons fly, you'll be squad leader. And there's one I particularly like from the French movie "Les Tontons Flingueurs". "When they'll put morons on orbit, that one will be turning for à long while" (Quand on mettra les cons sur orbite, celui-là, il n'a pas fini de tourner )
Mi So 4 months ago
Anytime someone uses c**t as a derogatory term, all I can think is “they don’t deserve to be called that; they lack both the warmth & the depth”.
Load More Replies... You May Like 50 Of The Funniest Signs Ever Spotted In The Wild (New Pics) Insulting Is A Skill And Here Are 148 Of The Best Insults To Master It 192 Best Comebacks That Burn As Hot As Ice
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