People Don’t Obsess Over Degrading Fantasies For The Reason Many Think, Experts Reveal The Real Motive

Being called names or humiliated during intimacy might sound upsetting to some people, but psychologists said it is more common than many realize.

Consensual degradation is a recognized part of B*SM, and experts said it is often misunderstood.

While many assume people who enjoy it have low self-esteem or secretly believe the insults directed at them, psychologists, s*x therapists, and academic researchers said there is no single explanation.

Instead, studies have linked these fantasies to power dynamics, trust, emotional release, and temporarily stepping away from everyday pressures.

Researchers revealed degradation kinks often involve power, trust, and escaping everyday pressure

Image credits: Getty Images/Unsplash (not an actual photo)

One of the best-known explanations comes from social psychologist Dr. Roy Baumeister, whose research on “escape from self-awareness” suggested that some people seek experiences that allow them to temporarily stop focusing on themselves and their responsibilities.

According to Baumeister, activities involving submission or humiliation may provide a temporary break from constant self-monitoring and decision-making.

Rather than reinforcing negative beliefs, they may allow some individuals to step away from everyday pressures in a consensual setting.

Licensed social worker and kink-positive therapist Rebecca Jay said degradation also falls within the broader dynamics of dominance and submission.

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“The exchange of control is the actual point,” she explained to Elite Daily.

Jay added that consensual degradation is different from real-life humiliation because it happens within agreed boundaries.

“E*otic humiliation can help partners feel more connected, especially if their scene inspires giggles or requires a deeper level of trust,” she said.

Professional humiliatrix Betty Pickles offered a similar explanation while describing why some people enjoy the emotional intensity.

“It’s the same kind of anxiety rush you get from going on a roller coaster—sort of awful, but you love it,” she told StyleCaster.

Image credits: Freepik/Magnific (not an actual photo)

Academic research also suggested the practice is not uncommon within B*SM communities.

A Finnishstudy titled Varieties of S*xual Preference: Associations Between Gender, S*xual Orientation, B*SM Identity and Interests, which surveyed 184 B*SM practitioners, found that around 70% had recently taken part in verbal humiliation during B*SM activities.

Meanwhile, Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a research fellow at the Kinsey Institute and author of Tell Me What You Want,surveyed and reported that roughly one-third of people with sa*omasochistic experience had engaged in verbal degradation.

Several users online discussed the topic widely and shared different reasons for why degradation appeals to them

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One commenter wrote that the experience was not about believing insults but about acceptance.

“Let’s say that you have a part of you that you are extremely ashamed of,” the user wrote.

“Now imagine setting up a degradation scene where another person sees all of your flaws, confronts you with them, and yet doesn’t reject you.”

The commenter continued, “If they accept all of your flaws, then they accept you unconditionally: ‘Even though you are [insert insult here], I still love you anyway.'”

Several people replied, saying the explanation matched their own experiences.

@drsarahashton Why do some people feel aroused by degradation in the bedroom? This is one of those topics many people feel curious — and sometimes conflicted — about, but rarely talk about openly. From a neurobiological perspective, sexual arousal is closely linked to systems involved in emotional intensity, risk, and reward. The brain doesn’t simply respond to “pleasure”; it responds to meaning, activation, and salience. Psychologically, degradation in consensual sexual contexts is often not about wanting harm or disrespect. It can symbolise surrender, vulnerability, being deeply desired, or transforming shame into agency and choice. Fantasy speaks the language of emotion and symbolism — not literal real-world wishes. Understanding sexuality through a psychological lens helps move us away from shame and toward curiosity. Consensual dynamics are always grounded in communication, trust, and safety. ✨ When we understand the brain and nervous system, many sexual experiences start to make much more sense.#psychology#trauma#sex#kink♬ original sound – Dr Sarah Ashton, PhD

“I’ve a serious degradation kink. And you put this into perspective quite perfectly! This is EXACTLY what it is!” one user responded.

Others said their experiences were different.

“It heals nothing. It’s absolutely a coping mechanism,” another commenter wrote, adding that therapy helped them connect the fantasy to childhood trauma and feelings of shame.

Some people also linked their experiences to growing up in strict religious environments.

“I’m an ex-Mormon, and this is very true for me,” one person shared. “Growing up in a conservative religion with heaping doses of s*xual shame led to years of s*xual frustration.”

Although degradation involves harsh language, s*x therapists shared consent and communication are the most crucial factors

Image credits: Freepik/Magnific (not an actual photo)

AASECT-certified s*x therapist Rufus Spann, Ph.D. and founder of Libido Health, told Men’s Health that many misconceptions come from the way B*SM is portrayed in movies and television, where conversations about consent are often left out.

Licensed psychotherapist and certified s*x educator Rachel Wright recommend that couples openly discuss their interests before trying any form of degradation play.

That includes agreeing on which words or actions are acceptable, setting boundaries, and deciding on safe words that either partner can use to stop the scene immediately.

Image credits: Freepik/Magnific (not an actual photo)

Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a Ph.D. social psychologist and research fellow at The Kinsey Institute, has also said that what one person experiences as degrading may not feel the same to someone else.

Because of that, therapists encourage couples not to rely on assumptions and instead discuss specific preferences beforehand.

Jay similarly advised partners to clearly separate consensual role-play from anything that could cause genuine emotional harm.

Furthermore, researchers shared that there is still no single explanation for why these fantasies develop

Image credits: Mathieu Bigard/Unsplash (not an actual photo)

Image credits: AC/Unsplash (not an actual photo)

Although psychologists have proposed several theories, researchers continue to emphasize that degradation fantasies cannot be explained by one cause alone.

Baumeister’s escape from self-awareness theory focuses on relief from everyday responsibility.

Research summarized by Dr. Lehmiller highlighted the role of consensual power exchange within B*SM.

Clinical therapists such as Jay, Wright, and Spann focus on communication, trust, and negotiated consent as central parts of the experience.

Meanwhile, netizens’ comments described different motivations, ranging from emotional release to acceptance, curiosity, or personal exploration.

People shared their varying opinion on degradation fantasies

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