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A one-liner, also known as a punchline in some cases, is a truly remarkable form of a joke. First of all, it is so short that by telling it, you’ll never miss the ‘magical moment’ and will always leave your audience amused (that is if you’ve calculated your timing perfectly). Hence, if you are looking for a comedic shure-shot, we’ve just the thing for you — a thorough list of the best one-liners on the Internet!

Another thing with these one line jokes is that they work amazingly well for, say, movie characters like James Bond. He always has a hilarious and laconic quip after disposing of his enemies and is well remembered for it! In fact, probably no other jokes, but funny one liners are forever at the top of the popularity Everest by being so accessible, understandable, and ultimately funny. 

Thus, we are thrilled to have the opportunity to present you with our choices of the best jokes that fall under this category; our hopes are pretty high to entertain you with this one! So now, it is precisely time that you scroll down below to check out the best one liners that we found! From punny ones to straight-up corny and from cute to sarcastic one liners, there’s a joke for absolutely anyone here. 

And after you find the one that has cracked you up, be sure to vote for it! But, if such a sad instance occurs and you can’t find your favorite one-liner included in our list, add it in the comments section.

And if you enjoy quick wit, you'll also appreciate our selection of Little Johnny jokes filled with clever humor.

#1

One-line joke about Adam and Eve ignoring Apple terms and conditions on a beige background. Adam & Eve were the first ones to ignore the Apple terms and conditions.

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ᴠᴀ̈ɪɴᴏ
Community Member
3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

🤣 🤣 THIS IS HILARIOUS 😂

Uber Mensch
Community Member
3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Eve was the first computer hacker - she had a W**g in one hand and an Apple in the other.

Cameron Robson
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

phoned the takeaway last night and said "do you deliver" and lady said "no we do Ham, Chicken and Fish"

Tobias the Tiger
Community Member
3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

There's a church near me that once had that as a sign.

Allie Chick
Community Member
3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

lol so funny i forgot to laugh

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    #2

    Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.

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    Sheila Stamey
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I once went through a drive thru funeral parlor. (for real, Spartanburg SC,long time ago closed now I think/ to a viewing. My husband forbade me to make the following joke, " can I get mine in a to go box?;oh thank you I see you already did it!" It was my great uncle's funeral. he would have loved the joke.. who do you think specified the drive thru funeral home with the Elvis impersonator preacher???

    #3

    The man who invented knock-knock jokes should get a no bell prize.

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    Mobey Drunk
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    If you didn't, that would be the punchline.

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    Thorfin Wolfsbane
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    It's A Joke! - I like how everyone just assumes it was a man who invented knock knock jokes.

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    What are one-liner jokes?

    Simply put, a one-liner is a very short joke that delivers its punchline in just one sentence. A good one-liner should always be concise and meaningful or, if you want a fancy word for it — pithy. Although these one line jokes are most often used as a part of a bigger performance, it doesn’t mean they don’t work as standalone quips. In fact, one might even argue that the shorter the joke — the more powerful the reaction! 

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    Funny one line jokes can also be used as a punchline of a real or fictional character, just the same as a catchphrase would. Basically, due to being so short, these jokes are very universal and can be used in a variety of circumstances (appropriate ones, of course) and ways.

    #4

    Text on a pink background with a one-line joke about family and running. The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family. It’s that no one runs in your family.

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    Catarina
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    James's comment should be #21🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

    Kathleen Pearlman
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Insanity doesn't run in my family - it gallops!

    #5

    250 lbs here on Earth is 94.5 lbs on Mercury. No, I'm not fat. I’m just not on the right planet.

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    Catarina
    Community Member
    3 years ago (edited) Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Hahaha some people i know Will use this every day🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

    Dorothy Reiser
    Community Member
    Premium
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I'm not overweight, I'm undertall.

    Carl F Metzger
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I am not overweight....I am just under-tall....

    Nubis Knight
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I'm not fat, I'm allergic to gravity.

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    #6

    If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $6.30 now.

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    chrnh@metrocast.net
    Community Member
    1 year ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I disliked math in high school and never got more than a B- in it but when I took the SAT's, although I scored quite high in everything else, my highest score was math.

    PopscotchM
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I would say me too, but i'm actually pretty good at maths.

    Matthew O'Steen
    Community Member
    3 years ago

    This comment is hidden. Click here to view.

    This dude needs to learn his math.

    T5n
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    That’s the point of the joke.

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    What is the best one-liner?

    Now, this is where it gets a bit biased! Each and every one of us have slightly different sense of humor and taste for our jokes, so nominating just one one-liner as the best is a tough job to say the least. However, since you, our dear readers always have an excellent taste for jokes, this one here seems to have reached number one position on our list: 

    Adam & Eve were the first ones to ignore the Apple terms and conditions.

    So, can we agree that we found the funniest one-liner ever? Well, at least one of the best jokes, for sure!

    #7

    I went to buy some camo pants but couldn’t find any.

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    Natalie King
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I cant see any around either...??!! lol

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    #8

    Text on a beige background reads a one-line joke: "When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic." When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

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    ᴠᴀ̈ɪɴᴏ
    Community Member
    3 years ago (edited) Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    That's a good one 😉

    Betsy Novack
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    If you crossed a cantaloupe with Lassie, you'd have melancholy babies.

    Rissie
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Or just lucky I guess :) Although, I love me some lemon too!

    Cameron Robson
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Left my job when the went to continental shifts, the sombrero was playing havoc with my hair

    Puffy Pedro
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Heyy stop that. Dyslexics are teople poo!

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    #9

    What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know and I don’t care.

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    Marcellus II
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    You want to know the difference between a sadist and a masochist? I could tell you, but you'll have to beat the answer out of me.

    Eagle Girl
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    What's the difference between kinky & perverted? Kinky is when you use a feather. Perverted is when you use the whole darn chicken!

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    Philler Space
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    What's the difference between ignorance and antipathy? I don't know and go to hell.

    Rhea Williams
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    A masochist says to a sadist, ‘Hit me.’ The sadist says, ‘No.’

    How To Write One-Liners?

    If you want to try your hand at writing one-liners, kudos to you! Homebred jokes are always the funniest and the most relevant. That said, writing one-liners comes with its own set of rules, albeit a short one: 

    • Set your joke up for success by making it super short;
    • Start with a setup that seems like it’s going to one direction only;
    • Give it a plot twist right at the end!
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    By following these simple one-liner writing rules, you'll be bound for success; we’re pretty certain of it. However, if you need a bit more inspiration and a little more examples of the best one-liners, keep reading our list!

    #10

    I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.

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    DUN DUN (she/her)
    Community Member
    3 years ago (edited) Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    It's like they have multiple personality disorder SMH

    Steve Fischer
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    A Russian doll just invaded Barbie's house

    #11

    Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

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    Matthew O'Steen
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    That's the perfect excuse to hate yourself.

    #12

    Pink background with a one-line joke: "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it." How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

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    Random Anon
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I hope you don't make holy handgrenades like that.

    Marcellus II
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Why not freeze? Then you'd still have it.

    Genevieve
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    friend, the joke is 'the hell out of it' part.

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    #13

    Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.

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    M. A. McKnight
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Literally (with a respectful bow to Catarina)

    Olga Dremina
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    That for sure can hurt your feelings when people show you their disappointment openly. You should have a courage to cut them off.

    Martin Kaine
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Watt I like about puns about electricity: current-ly they is no charge for them.

    #14

    I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… But the kids still get in.

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    #15

    Geology rocks, but geography’s where it’s at.

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    Rosemary Booth
    Community Member
    3 years ago (edited) Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    And Geodesy is how to find it! (Sorry, I work for NOAA's National Geodetic Survey Office. LOL)

    #16

    Text on a beige background humorously comments on kleptomaniacs, relating to the best one-line jokes. The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.

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    Catarina
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Brilliant use of literally🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

    David Martin
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    A kleptomaniac and a photographer were best friends for their entire lives, but never took each other's picture

    #17

    The man who survived both mustard gas and pepper spray is a seasoned veteran now.

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    #18

    I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me.

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    #19

    Maybe if we start telling people their brain is an app, they’ll want to use it.

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    Nijlenna Rusty
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    going to use this in everyday life... yes, I do know a lot of people constantly using social media apps for "real" information and not thinking for themselves anymore.

    lara
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Especially if you charge them to use it.

    Eagle Girl
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    "Your brain is an app that hasn't been updated since 3k"

    #20

    Simple joke on a pink background: "Is your bottom jealous of the amount of c**p that comes out of your mouth?" Is your bottom jealous of the amount of crap that comes out of your mouth?

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    Puns and one‑liners are comedy’s espresso shots, quick, sharp, and energizing. If these One Liner Jokes made you grin, top up your laugh levels in our one‑liner jokes collection.

    #21

    The rotation of Earth really makes my day.

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    Sea otter simone
    Community Member
    3 years ago

    This comment has been deleted.

    #22

    One-line joke about a flamingo and putting a foot down, displayed on a beige background. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

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    Adele Xie
    Community Member
    3 years ago (edited) Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAA pleez am i the only one laughing here?

    Dylan Sone
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAA pleez am i the only one laughing here?

    Sea otter simone
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    My friend in our group chat: (this joke) Me: GYFCVGBHJG Her: What. Was. THAT. Me: I was laughing! Her: what kinda LAUGH WAS THAT Me: oh, its laughing, but gay.

    Thomas Sweda
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Yes Adele. But there maybe others laughing elsewhere.

    #23

    What’s the difference between an outlaw and an in-law? Outlaws are wanted.

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    Russ Kincade
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    When marriage becomes illegal, only outlaws will have inlaws!

    DragonsCrushesCatsMe
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    i thought it said outliers. i've been doin to much math

    #24

    So what if I don't know what "Armageddon" means? It's not the end of the world.

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    #25

    A blind man walked into a bar… And a table… And a chair…

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    Shelby P
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Two nuns walked into a bar... third one ducked... didn't want it to become a habit.

    ᴠᴀ̈ɪɴᴏ
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    First should be the air. After a the chair, a bartender and the beer shelf

    JASON WOOD
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    How does someone walk into the air? I think the joke is good as-is, no need to finesse it...

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    MissMePhoenix
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    You walk into a bar and there's a line of people waiting to punch you. That's it....that's the punchline

    #26

    The last thing I want to do is hurt you; but it’s still on the list.

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    #27

    The future, the present, and the past walk into a bar. Things got a little tense.

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    Richard Cranium
    Community Member
    2 years ago (edited) Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Ever had sex while camping? It's f#

    Rosemary Booth
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    https://www.cafepress.com/mf/70346056/the-past-the-present-and-the-future_mugs?productId=744160047

    human?
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    You know like past tense, present tense and future tense? And how tense is in like a dramatic, silent scene?

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    Richard Cranium
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    What's really in-tents are Los Angeles' homeless. And the increasing numbers add to its in-tent-city.

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    #28

    Pink background with a one-line joke about unemployed people. I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.

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    Lucus Adams
    Community Member
    3 years ago

    This comment has been deleted.

    #29

    People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders.

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    Eagle Girl
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    How would they taste dipped in Honey Mustard?

    Dylan Bess
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Finally someone else who likes honey mustard

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    Living Example
    Community Member
    7 months ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    A tiny bit of my respect for people has returned: Nobody said Ranch, the salad dressing created in a deep, dark place. It's mission is to be the only dressing on the shelf. I can't figure it, Sh*t' s*cks! Okay, pile on. i -

    Steve Fischer
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    People who have cats are pussy lovers

    ᴠᴀ̈ɪɴᴏ
    Community Member
    3 years ago

    This comment is hidden. Click here to view.

    The ppl who take care of chic kens are really chicken tenders 😉

    Jamie Griffith
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    You don't need to repeat the joke we can read it the first time

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    #30

    Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.

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    #31

    One-line joke about laziness and naming a fireplace on a beige background. "You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace."

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    Robert T
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Oh, I don't know. TIL that Americans call an electric hob a cooktop. They'll be having washboxes and fooddiscs next...

    ᴠᴀ̈ɪɴᴏ
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Then the crescents, triangularfood, cdfood

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    Donna Mann
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    LMAO, I never thought about that!

    Lauren Caswell
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    C'mon, my country named it's two islands 'north island' and 'south island'

    Let’s All Just Try And Be Decent
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Same! It reminds me of the German word for glove, "handschuhe" or even "fingerhandschuhe" Hopefully that doesn't need translating, but... hand-shoe, finger hand shoe. I've always thought that just makes so much sense

    Albino
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Flugzeug - fly thing. Feuerzeug - fire thing. Spielzeug - play thing. And many more

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    lara
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I always thought "fall down" was a bit obvious.

    f0x
    Community Member
    3 years ago

    This comment has been deleted.

    Mobey Drunk
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    This one actually made me laugh out loud.

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    #32

    Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

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    #33

    I used to think I was indecisive. But now I’m not so sure.

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    Jo Johannsen
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I was going to procrastinate yesterday, but decided to do it tomorrow.

    #34

    Two fish are in a tank. One says, ‘How do you drive this thing?’

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    #35

    I always take life with a grain of salt. And a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.

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    Whitey Black
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I don't like cocaine, I just like the way it smells.

    LSR
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    This one sucks and is an eyesore among the rest, which are wonderful.

    #36

    Text of a one-line joke on a pink background. Communist jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets them.

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    Jeremy Evans
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    food is like dark humor, not everyone gets it.

    Richard Cranium
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    So sell those who don't, put em on a boat, send them overseas. They'll find a place to live with friends, they'll be provided a job, they'll be clothed. They'll be fed, and they will undoubtedly be educated, and, like what they will be paid after, all that is priceless... somehow I believe they'll just be ungrateful though.

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    Thomas Sweda
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Each to his ability to understand them.

    #37

    I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

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    Richard Grant
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I used to work at a Hydrant factory. There was nowhere to park.

    Sea otter simone
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    haha this is totally not reused from every joke book I've ever read.

    #38

    I've just written a song about tortillas; actually, it’s more of a rap.

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    Anchal Gupta
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I would love to listen to it!!

    Mobey Drunk
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Next time you go to the supermarket, prepare to have your mind blown. There's a whole section dedicated to it.

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    Steve Fischer
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I'm a macho taco and just a little wacko

    #39

    A perfectionist walked into a bar... Apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough.

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    Matthew O'Steen
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    In his opinion, that is. The bar was just right for others.

    #40

    One-line joke in white text on a tan background: "The four most beautiful words: I told you so." "The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so."

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    DragonsCrushesCatsMe
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    and the three most beautiful words is, well, i'll let you figure that out.

    Mazer
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I have a thing I say to my friends to validate their being right, they get to do the “I told you so dance” **I don’t know what the dance looks like but there ought to be one**

    Dagnirath
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I prefer, "Ok, you were right."

    #41

    I buy all my guns from a guy called T-Rex. He’s a small arms dealer.

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    #42

    My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

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    #43

    R.I.P. boiled water. You will be mist.

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    #44

    What if there were no hypothetical questions?

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    #45

    If you don’t pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?

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    #46

    I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

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    #47

    I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.

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    Steve Fischer
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I'm reading a book on the solar system. It's so far out.

    Eagle Girl
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I'm reading a book about the sun. It's so hot.

    Lucus Adams
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I'm reading a book about women, but I can't understand it.

    #48

    Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.

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    DragonsCrushesCatsMe
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    so plants sneeze it out, and we also sneeze it out

    human?
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    and... Butterflies and bees drink it up for life....

    #49

    What do you need in order to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A large fortune.

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    #50

    I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

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    #51

    I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.

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    #52

    Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors?

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    SabbeRubbish
    Community Member
    3 years ago

    This comment is hidden. Click here to view.

    Maybe not if you're lesbian?

    #53

    I threw a boomerang a couple years ago. I now live in constant fear.

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    Thomas Sweda
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Don’t worry. Since the Earth is flat, it will eventually just sail off the edge.

    BAWK BAWK BAKAW
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    you dont... really believe that... right? RIGHT??

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    boredkitten
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    If you are speaking figuratively then it makes sense.

    #54

    Have you heard about the new restaurant called ‘Karma?’ There’s no menu — you get what you deserve.

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    Steve Fischer
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    There's a new restaurant called Karen. Only the manager works there

    #55

    I didn’t think orthopedic shoes would help, but I stand corrected.

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    #56

    Don’t spell part backward. It’s a trap.

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    #57

    If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?

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    ᴠᴀ̈ɪɴᴏ
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    So that we can have fun looking at it switch off when we close the door through the crack of the door I LOVE DOING THAT

    Steve Fischer
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    So the little weinies don't get scared

    #58

    I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around.

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    Adele Xie
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    and that's what it's all abouttttttt!

    Steve Fischer
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    My wife was addicted to the hokey pokey so I divorced her

    #59

    If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.

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    #60

    Why don’t cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.

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    Let’s All Just Try And Be Decent
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I feel like this is one of the basic school playground jokes that 6 year old kids are really proud of. Definitely about the extent of my level of joke telling!

    #61

    Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot.

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    #62

    A lot of people cry when they cut onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

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    #63

    It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.

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    Kipindichapili
    Community Member
    3 years ago (edited) Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I’m telling this the next time I go golfing and hit a birdie

    #65

    I saw a sign the other day that said, ‘Watch for children,’ and I thought, ‘That sounds like a fair trade.’

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    Jo Johannsen
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I got a kitten for my wife. It was a good trade.

    Thomas Sweda
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Like, I would get one watch per kid ?

    iBlank
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    naw, I'll keep the watch

    #66

    My IQ test results came back. They were negative.

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    Kipindichapili
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    IQ is your intelligence. An IQ test finds your IQ. The average IQ is 100. He’s saying his came back in the negatives.

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    #67

    At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he’s adopted?

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    Tee Witt
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    2 years old, then he is mature enough to never understand.

    iBlank
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    just have to tell them in a happy tone: "you were adopted, oh yes you were"

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    #68

    A termite walks into the bar and asks, ‘Is the bar tender here?’

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    ᴠᴀ̈ɪɴᴏ
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    So there was a guy named Bart who went into a bar and never came back. It seems that the bart-ender was there.

    Kipindichapili
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    He’s a termite. Termites eat wood. He was asking if the bar, which is made of wood, is tender enough to eat at that spot

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    Jo Johannsen
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Been telling that one for decades. Apologies to humanity.

    #69

    Two wifi engineers got married. The reception was fantastic.

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    #70

    Our child has a great deal of willpower — and even more won’t power.

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    #71

    Never trust atoms - they make up everything.

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    #72

    My therapist says I have a preoccupation for revenge. We’ll see about that.

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    #73

    Always borrow money from a pessimist. They’ll never expect it back.

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    Mobey Drunk
    Community Member
    3 years ago (edited) Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Actually, being a pessimist is the best way to live your life. Either you're right, or pleasantly surprised.

    #74

    6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down.

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    #75

    If you arrest a mime, do you have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?

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    #76

    Why did the rooster cross the road? To prove he wasn’t a chicken.

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    ᴠᴀ̈ɪɴᴏ
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    BECAUSE EVERYONE CALLED HIM A CHIC KEN. HIS NAME WAS ALEXANDER.

    #77

    I heard there were a bunch of break-ins over at the car park. That is wrong on so many levels.

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    #78

    I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.

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    #79

    People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.

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    #80

    I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society. I spilled the beans.

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    #81

    I can tell when people are being judgmental just by looking at them.

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    #82

    My friend was explaining electricity to me, but I was like, ‘Watt?’

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    #83

    My friend’s bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.

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    #84

    What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.

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    Thomas Sweda
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    If Ginger Rogers would have married Roy Rogers, her name would have been …never mind !

    #85

    What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backward? A receding hare line.

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    DragonsCrushesCatsMe
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    did you hear about the missing hares? the police went combing the land to find them.

    Steve Fischer
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Put a rabbit in your ears so you can hare better

    BasedWang
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    instantly thought of lebron james lol

    #86

    I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

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    DragonsCrushesCatsMe
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    in an arthur episode, where arthur was telling secrets to buster, one of them was that dw had a brain transplant. the other secret was that arthur was born in transylvannia

    #87

    I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.

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    Tee Witt
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Exactly, that is why my life cracked up

    Thomas Sweda
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    What, the handle, or the life ?

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    #88

    It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

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    #89

    Refusing to go to the gym is a form of resistance training.

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    #90

    Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a little more space.

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    #91

    I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time-consuming.

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    #92

    I failed math so many times at school, I can’t even count.

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    #93

    Blunt pencils are really pointless.

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    #94

    A book fell on my head the other day. I only have my shelf to blame though.

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    #95

    I went to a seafood disco last week, but ended up pulling a mussel.

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    Lucus Adams
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Call Amari, he's a great masseuse

    #96

    How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing, it was on the house.

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    #97

    My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she’s hot, but honestly… I’m not a fan.

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    #98

    Whenever I lose my TV controller, I always find it in a remote location.

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    Thomas Sweda
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Yes, yes! Always the last place!

    Ogre Juan
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I Find It In The Last Place,,,

    Uber Mensch
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    As George Carlin noted: Of course. What are you going to do, keep looking?

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    #99

    "Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is 'Good for you!'”

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    Uber Mensch
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Congratulations for wearing a bikini when it may not be... optimal.

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    #100

    ‘I have a split personality,’ said Tom, being Frank.

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    #101

    Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side got amputated? He’s all right now.

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    BasedWang
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Funnily enough, I learned this one from Adventure Time

    #102

    What do you call a steak that’s been knighted by the queen? Sir Loin.

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    Kipindichapili
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Im gonna buy a farm, make a pasture, build a barn, make a milking area, and buy hundreds of dollars worth of cattle just to name a cow this

    Dee
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    So, you’re buying one cow then?

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    #103

    At which school did Sherlock Holmes get so smart? Elementary.

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    #104

    Did you hear about the crook who stole a calendar? He got twelve months.

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    #105

    "Some people just have a way with words, and other people… Oh… Not have way."

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    #106

    If a parsley farmer gets sued, can they garnish his wages?

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    #107

    I never knew what happiness was until I got married — and then it was too late.

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    #108

    If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? Missile toe.

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    #109

    The trouble with getting to work on time is that it makes the day so long.

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    #110

    What do you call a guy who’s had too much to drink? A cab.

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    #111

    Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert? Because he was stuffed.

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    #112

    Why do bees hum? They don’t remember the lyrics.

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    #113

    Did Noah include termites on the ark?

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    Kipindichapili
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Omg I’ve never thought about that. I’m gonna ask my church pastor now.

    Adrian
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Cute story for kids about animals but does anyone these days seriously believe that actually happened?

    Tee Witt
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    No, they floated on the logs

    #114

    I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

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    Libstak
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    That's not funny, it's just fact.

    #115

    "A conference call is the best way for a dozen people to say “bye” 300 times."

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    #116

    "I think it's pretty cool how the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos."

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    #117

    "Instagram is just Twitter for people who go outside."

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    #118

    Well, to be Frank with you, I’d have to change my name.

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    #119

    They’ve been treating me like one of the family, and I’ve put up with it for as long as I can.

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    #120

    What do you call a mobster who’s buried in cement? A hardened criminal.

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    Dagnirath
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Also the term for the thieves who hijacked a shipment of Viagra.

    #121

    I have clean conscience. I haven’t used it once until now.

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    #122

    A pig stands in front of an electric socket: “Oh no, who put you into that wall?!”

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    Let’s All Just Try And Be Decent
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Wait.... because American plug sockets look like a pig's snout? Is that really it?! Ok that'd be why it didn't make any sense to me!! UK plugs are a triangle of three holes which are all rectangle shaped. Sorry peeps x

    Auntriarch
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    They do now. But I remember when they used to be pig snouts

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    Let’s All Just Try And Be Decent
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I'm so sorry, I may not be awake, but I cannot process this one - can someone please explain it to me?! Thank you in advance!

    #123

    A Freudian slip is when you mean one thing and mean your mother.

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    #124

    What happens to an illegally parked frog? It gets toad away.

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    #125

    Why don’t pirates take a shower before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.

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    #126

    I used to believe that all things must pass — until I got stuck behind a school bus.

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    Kipindichapili
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Run over the kids and continue on your merry way

    Logan Veras
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Because you can't pass a school bus

    Thomas Sweda
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Logan, you can, in Illinois, on a four lane road.

    BasedWang
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Only if you are on the opposite side of the road. The two lanes travelling the same direction of the bus still have to stop if the stop sign is out

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    #127

    Have you played the updated kids' game? I Spy With My Little Eye... Phone.

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    #128

    "All pro athletes are bilingual. They speak English and profanity."

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    #129

    “Next time I send a damn fool, I go myself.”

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    DragonsCrushesCatsMe
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    does this mean you're an, ahem, "d**** fool"?

    #130

    "Just realized a pregnant dog is a dog full of puppies. That’s the best."

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    Niall Mac Iomera
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Well, puppies are nice, and so are dogs. So a dog full of puppies is really nice. It's a terrible "joke"

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    Thomas Sweda
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    And a constipated man is fu……..! Never mind.

    #131

    "Drama: a word boring people use to describe fun people."

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