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Getting old isn’t much fun. Yeah, sure, you get somewhat wiser, more composed, and even might have an idea what to do with your life. But, on the other hand, there are pains and aches from having slept in an awkward position, there’s the handful of vitamins to be swallowed each morning, and there’s the graying hair and sagging skin. But, as the elders in my country say - the grayer the hair, the more mischief. To put it shortly, every single one of us is getting old, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Except, of course, laugh! And what’s a better way to prepare yourself for the upcoming woes of aging than a list full of old people jokes. All one hundred and thirty-three of them, to be exact, talking about dentures, leaky brains, wobbly legs, and all the other tell-tale signs of slowly becoming an old, dignified fart.
Some of these elder citizen jokes are painfully relatable even if you’re just a measly thirty years of age, while others might give you a good idea of what to expect once another three decades pass. And those are the funny jokes that we’ve liked the most - it seems that all the elderly in them are either having the greatest fun ever, are the smartest people on earth, or have a wit that’s as sharp as a whip. So, you know, it might be something actually to look forward to. Not convinced? Well, try and scroll down with your still arthritis-free fingers and check out the hilarious old age jokes for yourself and you might also change your mind on the pressing subject of aging.
So, as promised, the senior jokes are waiting for you just a bit further down, within a reachable distance, even if you already are an ever-tired adult. Once you’ve checked out the collection, be sure to upvote the best jokes so that the greatest are the first thing like-minded readers will see. Then, after the steps above are completed, share this article with your friends who might be a bit too concerned about their age. After all, becoming old is only natural and inevitable!
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#1
“Poor old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?” The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
Rachel Konefka 3 years ago
Some people get old and become senile... It does not mean they are stupid, but they get confused
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Apollo Brackady 3 years ago
He’s talking about people I assume, new friends he’s “caught” as he was fishing
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RELATED:
#2
Bob, age 92, and Mary, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. While out for a stroll to discuss the wedding they pass a drugstore. Bob suggests they go in. Bob asks to speak to the pharmacist. He explains they're about to get married, and asks, "Do you sell heart medication?" "Of course we do," the pharmacist replies. "Medicine for rheumatism?" "Definitely," he says. "How about Viagra?" "Of course." "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?" "Yes, the works." "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antacids?" "Absolutely." "Do you sell wheelchairs and walkers?" "All speeds and sizes." "Good," Bob says to the pharmacist. "We'd like to register for our wedding gifts here, please."
Mahayana 3 years ago
My grandmother got married at 87 to an 91 year old. They were such like teenager! They would French kiss everywhere ! So sweet.
Bored Birgit 3 years ago
Yes, my Dad found his new girlfriend 5 years ago, they are 90 and 91 years old now! They laugh and giggle and are holding hands, it is so cute. 💕
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PurpleDoople 3 years ago
They’re planning on growing old together. They’re saying that the things they’ll need when their older can be wedding gifts- things like wheelchairs. And they seem to want kids judging the visgra.
Load More Replies... #3
"To my friend's astonishment, a police car pulled up to her house and her elderly grand-father got out. The patrolman explained that the old gentleman had been lost in the city park and had asked for help. "Why, Grandfather," my friend said, "you've been going there for 40 years. How could you get lost?" The old man smiled slyly. "Wasn't exactly lost," he admitted. "I just got tired of walking."
Brian Bennett 3 years ago
Gramps remembers if you are in trouble (?) ask a policeman for help!
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Katchen 3 years ago
This is like that Cheech and Chong movie where all these people get rounded up by Immigration and deported from LA to Tijuana. They were all American citizens, but they wanted free transport to a wedding in Tijuana, so they called Immigration on themselves.
Shyla Clay 3 years ago
Sucks to be in federal prison for seven months before you're deported, though.
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#4
"She's only in her 40s, but my friend Mary has bounced back from cancer, heart problems, even a stroke. Through it all, she and her husband, Mark, have kept their sense of humor. One day she said, "You know what kills me ... ?" Smiling, Mark teased, "Apparently nothing."
Brian Bennett 3 years ago
Why darling do I hear a note of disappointment! Meant to be funny!
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#5
An elderly couple is invited to eat dinner at another couple's home. After dinner, the two women go into the kitchen and the two men remain at the table catching up. One of them, Frank, gushes over a restaurant he had taken wife to the previous weekend to celebrate their 60th anniversary. “You have to take your wife there, the service is excellent, the food was delicious, it was honestly the best restaurant experience I’ve ever had.” His friend, impressed, asks him what the name of the restaurant is. Frank replies “Um… Ugh… I can’t remember.” After thinking about it for a couple of minutes he says, “Hey, wait, what’s the name of that, that flower?" "A tulip?" "No, no, no, the... the red one, you know, with... with thorns.” “A rose?” “Aha! Yes! Thank you!” “Rose?” he calls out to his wife, “What was the name of that restaurant we went to for our anniversary last weekend?"
Who Panda 420 3 years ago
He could call her by any other name and she would still smell as sweet
Brian Bennett 3 years ago
That's why a lot of old people call each other honey and sweetie we just can't remember each other's names and everyone thinks it's cute!
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Demongrrrrl 3 years ago
He couldn't remember his wife's name, only that it was a flower.
Load More Replies... #6
"My husband was bending over to tie my three-year-old's shoes. That's when I noticed my son, Ben, staring at my husband's head. He gently touched the slightly thinning spot of hair and said in a concerned voice, "Daddy, you have a hole in your head. Does it hurt?" After a pause, I heard my husband's murmured reply: "Not physically."
#7
"One of the shortest wills ever written: "Being of sound mind, I spent all the money." —Arthur Bland
Jasam Nitko 3 years ago
That's what my great-grandmother did. She told her kids that she was spending her money on herself. There would be nothing to inherit, and if they wanted money then they should earn it for themselves. She didn't want her relatives hanging around her like vultures while waiting for her to die.
Mari 3 years ago
No family problems or discussions after her death. Wise woman your great-grandmother.
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Kimberley McMillan 3 years ago
Good on her! The number of people who wait around as if death is just a payout....
Brandy Grote 3 years ago
As long as there was enough saved by to bury her. Or provide long term care if she got ill!
#8
"Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed the bag boy eyeing my two adopted children. They often draw scrutiny, since my son's a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin. The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car. Finally, he asked, "Those your kids?" "They sure are," I said with pride. "They adopted?" "Yes," I replied. "I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you're too old to have kids that small."
Brian Bennett 3 years ago
Well he didn't raise the color issue - guess you can be thankful of that!
Load More Replies... Who Panda 420 3 years ago
I don't think children know about racism until their taught. I know it made no sense to me.
Daria B 3 years ago (edited)
Generally, I agree. To add more detail, it really depends on the environment growing up and, as you say, how the differences are presented to them (usually by adults). Here in Korea, usually kids get excited or curious seeing someone different. Whether they will laugh at you, accept you, or hate you, depends, I guess, on what they've been taught at home and by their peers. I did, however, encounter kids (as well as elderly people) who truly didn't care about my different looks, and these situations are so heart melting.
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#9
Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside. “Yes,” says Sally, “A lock of my husband’s hair.” “But Larry’s still alive.” “I know, but his hair is gone.”
#10
"Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," he told the maitre d'. "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately."
Fester Sixonesixonethree 3 years ago
Or sitting across the damn table! LOL
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William Gabriel 3 years ago
They are so old, death is aways nipping at their heels. They are hounded constantly by the gaunt spectre of their own demise. Around every corner, lurking in every shadow. Death is their sword of Damocles, hanging precariously above their heads by a breaking thread. Their souls are constantly on the verge of leaping from this mortal coil. No time is promised to them. Each tick of the clock sounds with grim finality. Each day is a game of Russian roulette- with three live rounds It's only a matter of time until the earth reclaims the shriveled husks of their bodies. The hourglass is near empty. The end is nigh. That's the joke! ☺️
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"After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery. Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone. “I thought you were a ghost,” says the relieved teen. “What are you doing working so late?” “Oh, those idiots,” grumbles the old man. “They misspelled my name!”
Persephone 3 years ago
Oh that's sad... my GPA already had his name on the headstone with GMA's when she passed bc he knew he wanted to be with her; it felt so sad to me to see it already there, waiting on a date.
#12
An old man is driving when he gets a frantic call from his wife: “Bernard, please be careful, I just heard on the news that there is a crazy driver on Route 80 driving the wrong way!” Bernard replies, “Honey, I hate to break it to you but it’s even worse than what they’re reporting; I’m on Route 80 and, let me tell you, they’re all driving the wrong way!”
Brian Bennett 3 years ago
Imagine if you will An atheist stuck at a green light behind a car with a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker!
#13
"Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called the clerk's office to remind them that she was exempt because of her age. "You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," the clerk said. "But I filled them out last year," she replied. "You have to fill them out every year." "Why? Do you think I'm getting younger?"
Brian Bennett 3 years ago
If that is so could the name of the state, city town, or village or country be Published!
Kate 3 years ago
No, the judge is the referee. US Constitution guarantees us a trial by a jury of our peers. A judge didn't conclude that Chauvin was guilty of murdering George Floyd; twelve random people did.
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#14
An old man notices that his wife is having trouble hearing. He tries telling her to go for a hearing test, but she won’t hear of it. He decides to prove to her there’s something wrong with her hearing. He goes upstairs, takes out a recorder, turns it on and, knowing she is in the kitchen, yells downstairs, “Honey, what’s for supper?” No answer. He goes downstairs and yells “Honey, what’s for supper?” Still no answer. He enters the living room and yells again “Honey, what’s for supper?” No answer. He even stands right outside the kitchen and yells “What's for supper?” and still, no answer. Finally, he stands right behind her and asks “Honey. What's. For. Supper?!” and she turns around and says “Damnit Al, for the hundredth time, CHICKEN!!!”
Christine Pipp 3 years ago
This joke is actually a take-off of an actual letter written to radio personality Paul Harvey touting the husband's Miracle Ear hearing aids. I remember hearing it on the radio many many years ago!
#15
"I had been thinking about coloring my hair. One day while going through a magazine, I came across an ad for a hair-coloring product featuring a beautiful young model with hair a shade that I liked. Wanting a second opinion, I asked my husband,"How do you think this color would look on a face with a few wrinkles?" He looked at the picture, crumpled it up, straightened it out and studied it again. "Just great, hon."
Cassidy ChillRose 3 years ago
Ouch, this was some seriously rough honesty. Then again, she did ask for it.
Brian Bennett 3 years ago
My hubby does stuff like that to me - I think it's funny - but he never calls me anything but hon- I don't think he remembers my name!
A B C 3 years ago
I'm wondering if you're sarcastic or a REALLY special snowflake.🤔
Load More Replies... #16
"My husband, a big-time sports fan, was watching a football game with our grandchildren. He had just turned 75 and was feeling a little wistful. "You know," he said to our grandson, Nick, "it's not easy getting old. I guess I'm in the fourth quarter now." "Don't worry, Grandpa," Nick said cheerily. "Maybe you'll go into overtime."
Brian Bennett 3 years ago
Wonderful I'm not getting old I'm going into overtime that's even better than aging gracefully!
#17
"In the hardware store, a clerk asked, "Can I help you find anything?" "How about my misspent youth," joked my husband. The clerk shot back, "We keep that in the back, between world peace and winning lottery tickets." — Leslie McRobie, Lee
Brian Bennett 3 years ago
Like during 2020 an employee at a grocery store was asked "where are the nuts?" His answer was in toilet paper aisle!
Angela Kelley 3 years ago
I managed an Adam & Eve, we always had to ask, “What brings you in today?” The best answer ever was, “Desperation.”
L.a. Williams 3 years ago
Hey he said they had I'd tell him I needed all he had. Straight face
#18
"The sight of my mother cleaning her dentures fascinated my young son. He sat riveted as she carefully took them out, brushed and rinsed them, and then popped them back in. "Cool, Grandma!" he said "Now take off your arm."
Sharon Baldridge 2 years ago
I took off my wig in front of my 4 yr. old grandson. He looked absolutely horrified and screamed "put ift back, put it back" and ran from the room
#19
"For her 40th birthday, my wife said, "I'd love to be ten again." So that Saturday, we had a heaping stack of chocolate-chip pancakes, her favorite childhood breakfast. Then we hit the playground and a merry-go-round. We finished the day with a banana split. "So how did you enjoy being a kid for a day?" I asked. "Great," she said. "But when I said I wanted to be ten again, I meant my dress size."
#20
John is out with his friends and stops by his grandmother's house for a visit. There's a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table, and John and his friends start snacking on them. When they're ready to leave, his friends say, "Nice to meet you, ma'am, and thank you for the peanuts." Grandma says, "You’re welcome. Ever since I lost my dentures, all I can do is suck the chocolate off of them."
Dana Ondráčková 3 years ago
My family lives this joke, my grandma did this And gifted those NUTS to us. Thank fully we all are aware of this joke so nobody ate it
#21
A week after John bought a bull, he complained to his friend, “All that bull does is eat grass. Won’t even look at a cow.” “Take him to the vet,” his friend suggested. The next week, John is much happier. “The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows!” he told his pal. “Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbor’s cows! He’s like a machine!” “What kind of pills were they?” asked the friend. “I don’t know, but they’ve got a peppermint taste.”
Brian Bennett 3 years ago
Peppermint also helps the digestion - just an after thought!
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N G 3 years ago
John doesn't know the name, but he knows they taste of peppermint because he's now taking the same tablets to improve his own performance
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Aileen 3 years ago
"John doesn't know the name, but he knows they taste of peppermint because he's now taking the same tablets to improve his own performance" -@N G
Load More Replies... Random Anon 3 years ago
I hope John is married otherwise his neighbor wouldn't be so please with his emulating the bull.
Downunderdude 3 years ago
Maybe it's just me, but all of these remind me of the ones that used to be in Reader's Digest - ie lame.
Leah Reid 3 years ago
XD oh my gosh. Readers Digest. Haven't thought of those in years.
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#22
"We'd finally built our dream home, but the contractor had a concern: the placement of an atrium window for our walk-in shower. "I'm afraid your neighbors might have a good view of you au naturel," he said. My middle-aged wife put him at ease. "Don't worry," she said. "They'll only look once."
Brian Bennett 3 years ago
Sure when Aphrodite lies around naked in a giant clam shell she's a "goddess" but when I do it I'm "drunk" and no longer welcome at the aquarium!
Sasha Grace 3 years ago
I used to joke that anyone peeping in my windows must be pretty desperate.
#23
"Visiting his parents' retirement village in Florida, my middle-aged friend, Tim, went for a swim in the community pool while his elderly father took a walk. Tim struck up a conversation with the only other person in the pool, a five-year-old boy. After a while, Tim's father returned from his walk and called out, "I'm ready to leave." Tim then turned to his new friend and announced that he had to leave because his father was calling. Astonished, the wide-eyed little boy cried, "You're a kid?"
Cassidy ChillRose 3 years ago
The joy of learning that you'll turn into one of those bigger people one day is truly when you realize you won't stay small forever.
Andrew Keir 11 months ago
... and such a day tomorrow as today, and to be boy eternal"
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John Baker 3 years ago
When I was a kid, I couldn't wait to grow up. Now, I wonder what the hell I was thinking.
#24
"When a woman called 911 complaining of difficulty breathing, my husband, Glenn, and his partner—both EMTs—rushed to her home. Glenn placed a sensor on her finger to measure her pulse and blood oxygen. Then he began to gather her information. "What's your age?" he asked. "Fifty-eight," answered the patient, eyeing the beeping device on her finger. "What does that do?" "It's a lie detector," said Glenn with a straight face. "Now, what did you say your age was?" "Sixty-seven," answered the woman sheepishly.
Auntriarch 3 years ago
Never seen the point of lying about your age. Unless it's to say you're older
BusLady 3 years ago
Then you can eat up all the compliments about how amazingly young you look. :-)
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Andrew Keir 11 months ago
"She may very well pass for forty-three, in the dusk, with a light behind her" -Trial by Jury
#25
"I had just had my 50th birthday and found the decade marker traumatic. When I went to get my driver's license renewed, a matter-of-fact woman typed out the information, tested my vision, snapped the camera, and handed me a laminated card with my picture on it. "You mean I have to look at this for the next four years?" I jokingly said to her. "Don't worry about it," she replied. "In four years it'll look good to you."
Robert T 3 years ago
Wherever this is, every 4 years from the age of 50 sounds somewhat draconian. In the UK it is 70.
Andy C 3 years ago
Every four years for all ages, at least in every state I’ve lived in in the US. You don’t always have to go in and get a new pic though, just renew and pay up. Gotta keep making money!
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Dana Ondráčková 3 years ago
The lady who took my picture And then saw my horrified look on the photo said"dont worry it Will be This small And Black And White... "reassuring, thanks
#26
"Scene: with a patient in my medical exam room Me: How old are your kids? Patient: Forty-four and 39 from my wife who passed away, and from my second wife, 15 and 13. Me: That’s quite the age difference! Patient: Well, the older ones didn’t give me any grandkids, so I made my own." —Mria Murillo
#27
"While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi. “It’s taped under the modem,” I told him. After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, “Am I spelling this right? T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M?” — Sharon McGinley
Brian Bennett 3 years ago
My superpower? I can look you dead in the face while your talking and not hear a damn word you said!
John Baker 3 years ago
I have to laugh when young pups insinuate that "boomers" don't know how to use computers or the internet, etc. I gently remind them that we *invented* that stuff. ;-)
Andrew Keir 11 months ago
Then tell them about programming onto paper-tape in Fortran ...
Load More Replies... Hugo Santos 3 years ago
At a wake: -Do you know the wifi password? -Please respect the deceased. -No caps, no spaces?
L.a. Williams 3 years ago
You just have to write it down and label it wi-fi password. And hand tape it somewhere they have to look. Boomers need all the help with computers as humaly possible.
#28
"One of my fourth graders asked my teacher's assistant, "How old are you, Mrs. Glass?" "You should never ask an adult's age," I broke in. "That's okay," Harriett said smiling. "I'm fifty." "Wow, you don't look that old," the boy said. I was breathing a sigh of relief when another child chimed in, "Parts of her do."
#29
"The average age of people living in our military retirement community is 85. Recently, a neighbor turned 100, and a big birthday party was thrown. Even his son turned up. "How old are you?" a tenant asked. "I’m 81 years old," he answered. The tenant shook her head. "They sure grow up fast, don’t they?" — Thomas Clements
HarriMissesScotland 3 years ago
The father was turning 100, His son, age 81, came to the party. A friend of his father asked the son how old he is. The son said 81. The friend stated that kids sure do grow up fast. If you remember seeing relatives occasionally., most will say, my look how you have grown. Same thing no matter how old you are.
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#30
"For my grandmother's 80th birthday, we had a huge family celebration and even managed to get a photo announcement printed in the local paper. "That was a nice shot," I commented. "It's my passport picture," she revealed. "Really?" I stared in amazement at my homebody grandma. "Where did you go?" "Walgreens," she replied. "
Ben Steinberg 3 years ago
For those outside the US, Walgreens a drug-store (chemist) found on many corners. And yes, you can get passport photos there (in someone of them).
Lou Lopez 3 years ago
I actually work there! The company is called Walgreens/Boots Alliance and I think Boots is something in the UK? I got my passport photo taken there for my state license.
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#31
"Heading off to college at the age of 40, I was a bit self-conscious about my advancing years. One morning I complained to my husband that I was the oldest student in my class. "Even the teacher is younger than I am," I said. "Yeah, but look at it from my point of view," he said optimistically. "I thought my days of fooling around with college girls were over."
#32
"While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. "You’ll have a beautiful view of the swan pond," he assured them. Dad wasn’t sold: "Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going to enjoy it."
#33
Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto. They even have their own vocabulary: BFF: Best Friend Fainted BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth CBM: Covered by Medicare FWB: Friend with Beta-blockers LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
Cassidy ChillRose 3 years ago
Half of these seem like they would really be in a Medicare commercial in an attempt to connect with both the elderly and the youth. They would probably confuse the older people and make the younger kids cringe at the incorrect abbreviations. Besides, the older people are all looking forward to BATSSOS -Bingo at The Senior Center on Sunday. (That's meant to be long winded, not fun to say.)
#34
"My grandfather has a knack for looking on the bright side of life. Even after receiving the terrible diagnosis that he had Alzheimer's, he was philosophical. "There's one good thing that'll come from this," he told my father. "What's that?" asked Dad. "Now I can hide my own Easter eggs."
Cassidy ChillRose 3 years ago
Alzheimer's is really rough. My grandfather had it during the final few years of his life, and I was only a little kid during that time. But the one thing I remember was that I could show him something one day and the next I could do the same thing and it would surprise him just as much. It's incredible that something so mentally destructive can bring those who have been diagnosed such joy at every experience they have. And there's something sad yet heartwarming about knowing that the experiences they do forget can be redone and bring them just as much happiness as it did the last time. A lot of us never feel the same after doing something multiple times, but in the case of those with Alzheimer's, every day can be an adventure, even if nothing truly changes.
#35
"When my 85-year-old father was in the hospital, his doctor, trying to determine Dad’s mental state, asked, "What gets you up in the morning?" My father shrugged. "Probably the same thing as everyone. I have to go to the bathroom."
#36
"The insurance agency I work for draws business from a retirement community. Once, when applying for auto insurance for a client, I asked him "How many miles he drives in a year?" He said "he didn't know." "Well, do you drive 10,000 miles a year?" I asked, "or 5,000?" He said the numbers sounded high. "What month is this?" he asked. "July" I told him. "Maybe this will help," he said. "I filled the car with gas in February."
Tim Douglass 3 years ago
My mom drives like that. Her car is having mechanical and electrical problems because of it.
#37
"An elderly shopper at our supermarket used a check to buy such items as cotton balls, cotton swabs, powder, and cold cream. On the memo line, she'd written, "Repairs."
#38
"Curious when I found two black-and-white negatives in a drawer, I had them made into prints. I was pleasantly surprised to see they were of a younger, slimmer me taken on one of my first dates with my husband. When I showed him the photographs, his face lit up. "Wow! It's my old Plymouth."
#39
"My husband and I, married 13 years, were dressing for a party. I'd spent all day getting a haircut and permanent, then as we were leaving, we met in the hall and he said nothing. I complained that he had not even noticed my hair. "You used to pay attention to every little thing, and now you don't notice anything! You take me for granted!" My husband stood there rubbing his face as he let me rant and rave. Then it hit me: he'd shaved off his six-month-old beard."
#40
"While my friend Emily was visiting her mother, they went for a walk and bumped into an old family acquaintance. "Is this your daughter?" the woman asked. "Oh, I remember her when she was this high. How old is she now?" Without pausing, Emily's mother said, "Twenty-four." Emily, 35, nearly fainted on the spot. After everyone had said their good-byes, Emily asked her mother why she'd told such a whopper. "Well," she replied, "I've been lying about my age for so long, it suddenly dawned on me that I'd have to start lying about yours too."
Valerie G. 3 years ago
My twin brother lies about his age too. Every time I visit I sort of sneak up and whisper in his ear "how old are now?" so I don't blow his cover.
Scarlett Storm 3 years ago
My twin does that too. Except I'm just a total b***h and call him out.
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Katherine Boag 3 years ago (edited)
I tell them as long as theyre the same age as the father of their kids, they can lie about their age a little longer XD
#41
"The summer after college graduation, I was living at home, fishing in the daytime, spending nights with my friends—generally just hanging out. One afternoon my grandfather, who never went to college, stopped by. Concerned with how I was spending my time, he asked about my future plans. I told him I was in no hurry to tie myself down to a career. "Well," he replied, "you better start thinking about it. You'll be thirty before you know it." "But I'm closer to twenty than to thirty," I protested. "I won't be thirty for eight more years." "I see," he said, smiling. "And when will you be twenty again?"
#42
"I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but the customer-service rep told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request. The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway her. Then a solution hit me: "If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?" "Well, yes," she said reluctantly. "But that would ruin his credit." —Jeannie Gibbs
rspanther 3 years ago
My phone has the same problem, it's in dads name and hes been gone for 22 years.
A B C 3 years ago
You just learned how to solve that problem, haven't you? ;)
Load More Replies... Adrian 3 years ago
I went through this. You have to get lots of certified copies of whatever documents the deceased's estate in your jurisdiction requires. Every entity from the gas company to the mortgage lender wanted one. 0Having a lawyer helps but isn't necessary unless it's a high value, complex estate. It was harder for me, as I live in the U.S. and my parents were in the UK, but it was doable.
Tim Douglass 3 years ago
My dad's name remained on my mom's bank account for 15 years after he died because they wouldn't remove it unless he authorized it. I guess a death certificate doesn't carry that kind of weight.
#43
"My nine-year-old daughter walked in while I was getting ready for work. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Putting on my wrinkle cream," I answered. "Oh," she said, walking away. "I thought they were natural."
#44
"Even at age 88, my mother was vain about her looks. At a party, an old friend exclaimed, "Edith, you haven't changed in 20 years." "Oh," said Mom, horrified. "I hope I didn't look like this 20 years ago."
#45
"Rock concerts are a little different now than when I was younger. Recently, I went to a concert with some friends. As the band started to play a ballad, we instinctively raised our cigarette lighters, like all good rock fans I grew up with. But looking around me, I noticed that times had indeed changed. The mostly under-25 crowd was swaying to the upraised glow of their cell phones."
notfunarts 3 years ago
Probably because they either don’t carry lighters with them (due to vaping) or because their phones are more convenient
David Beavers 3 years ago
I found out the hard way some venues don't allow holding up lighters because it's a fire hazard.
#46
"During the last days of my mother's life, we discussed many things. One day I raised the topic of her funeral and memorial service. "Oh, honey," she responded, "I really don't care about the details." Later she woke from a nap and grasped my hand, clearly wanting to share something with me. As I leaned forward, she said urgently, "Just don't bury me in plaid."
#47
"Now that I'm over 40, younger teammates have begun to tease me about my declining abilities as a softball player. During one game, I was playing third base when a batter ripped a shot over my head. I leapt as high as I could, but the ball tipped off the end of my glove and fell safely for a hit. At the end of the inning, I was heading for the dugout when our left fielder caught up with me. "That much!" he called, holding his thumb and forefinger a couple of inches apart. "I know," I replied. "I almost had it." "No," he said. "I mean that's how far you got off the ground."
#48
Two old guys, Fred and Sam went to the movies. A few minutes after it started, Fred heard Sam rustling around and he seemed to be searching on the floor under his seat. "What are you doing?" asked Fred. Sam, a little grumpy by this time, replied "I had a caramel in my mouth and it dropped out. I can't find it." Fred told him to forget it because it would be too dirty by now. "But I've got to", said Sam, "my teeth are in it!"
#49
"My 45-year-old sister was attending the wedding of a childhood friend when she ran into people she hadn't seen in years. How long exactly? One of them shouted, "Kathy, you got your braces off!"
#50
"Her class assignment was to interview an "old person" about his life, so my niece asked me, "What was the biggest historical event that happened during your childhood? "I'd have to say the moonwalk," I replied. She looked disappointed. "That dance was so important to you?"
#51
"Fans of '60s music, my 14-year-old daughter and her best friend got front-row tickets to a Peter, Paul and Mary concert. When they returned home, my daughter said, "During the show, we looked back and saw hundreds of little lights swaying to the music. At first we thought the people were holding up cigarette lighters. Then we realized that the lights were the reflections off all the eyeglasses in the audience."
Rider 3 years ago
Ouch. I worked Desert Trip in 2016, we nicknamed it Oldchella. The average age of attendees was 71. We've never seen so many oxygen tanks in one place or requests for the music festival to turn down the music.
#52
"Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. "In ten years," I said, "you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now." Carolyn shrugged. "In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway."
#53
"On the phone with my 93-year-old brother in Wisconsin, and I told him I thought it was time he paid someone to shovel snow for him. He suddenly grew indignant. "Why should I pay someone to shovel?" he demanded. "I can get my son to do it. He’s only 70!" —David Groeschel
#54
"As the hostess at the casino buffet showed me to my table, I asked her to keep an eye out for my husband, who would be joining me momentarily. I started to describe him: “He has gray hair, wears glasses, has a potbelly...” She stopped me there. “Honey,” she said, “today is senior day. They all look like that.” — Rosalie Daria
Katherine Boag 3 years ago
They dont, some are bald, and my dad doesnt have a pot belly because he has been wasting away due to Parkinson's T_T
#55
"In January, my wife, a physician, met with an elderly patient. "So was Santa good to you?" she asked. "Real good," he said. "I got an SUV." "Nice." "Yeah … socks, underwear, and Viagra."
#56
The old man was sitting on the examining table in the doctor’s office having his hearing checked. The doctor poked his light scope in the old man’s ear and said, “Hey, you have a suppository in your ear!” “Rats,” said the old man. “Now I know where my hearing aid went.”
#57
"Turning 50 two years ago, I took a lot of good-natured ribbing from family and friends. So as my wife's 50th birthday approached, I decided to get in some needling of my own. I sat her down, looked deep into her eyes, then said I had never made love to anyone who was over 50 years old. "Oh, well, I have," she deadpanned. "It's not that great."
#58
“Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there nothing comes out.” "Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!" "Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old. "No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all." "So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?" "No, I have one every morning at 6:30." Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?" "I don't wake up until 7:00."
#59
"Retirement is the best thing that has happened to my brother-in-law. "I never know what day of the week it is," he gloated. "All I know is, the day the big paper comes, I have to dress up and go to church."
GenXandEarnedItAll 3 years ago (edited)
We ask our patients questions to get an idea if our patient is oriented to the date, where they are, etc. Half the.time I have to look at my watch to verify they have the date correct. I'm only 47.
#60
"When a woman I know turned 99 years old, I went to her birthday party and took some photos. A few days later, I brought the whole batch of prints to her so she could choose her favorite. "Good Lord," she said as she was flipping through them, "I look like I'm a hundred."
#61
"One of the English classes I taught at Deltona high school in Florida consisted of a particularly well-motivated group of juniors. Students felt free to ask questions on any subject that concerned them. One afternoon a girl raised her hand and asked me to explain all the talk about a woman's "biological clock." After I'd finished, there was a moment of silence, and then another hand shot up. "Mrs. Woodard," a student asked, "is your clock still ticking, or has the alarm gone off?"
#62
"I had laryngitis and finally decided to go to the doctor. After the nurse called for me, she asked my age. "Forty-nine," I whispered. "Don't worry," she whispered back. "I won't tell anyone."
#63
An old guy walks into a bar and the bartender asks for ID. "You've got to be kidding," he said. "I'm almost 60 years old." The bartender apologized, but said he had to see the license. The guy showed his ID, then paid and told the bartender to keep the change. "The tip's for carding me," he said. The bartender put the change in the tip cup. "Thanks," he said. "Works every time."
Claire Stanfield 3 years ago
A cute joke, but people over a certain age can be quite annoyed at this! It surprised me when I worked in service.
BusLady 3 years ago
My son is 40 and still gets carded.He does get really annoyed. I told him if he was a woman, he would be flattered. lol
Load More Replies... Printerman 3 years ago
When I was in college, my girlfriend's dad went grocery shopping with us. I didn't get carded for beer, but he got carded for cigarettes. I wasn't sure how to take that, lol.
#64
"How was your blind date?" "Terrible! He showed up in a 1932 Rolls-Royce." "What's so terrible about that?" "He was the original owner."
#65
"I was having lunch with my daughter Rachel, who's three, at our local mall and was feeling particularly macho for a 46-year-old. All morning, women had been smiling at me and giving me the eye. Getting up to leave the table, I ran my fingers through my hair—and discovered two yellow-ducky barrettes that had been lovingly placed there hours before."
#66
"A few years ago, I opened the invitation to my cousin's 100th birthday party. On the front—in bold letters—it screamed, "If he's heard it once, he's heard it a hundred times. Happy Birthday, Sam!"
Cassidy ChillRose 3 years ago
I have to note the fact that he said it was from a few years ago. Has he heard it a hundred and three times now?
#67
"The day after visiting a fair, my wife was in agony. "You know you’re past your prime," she said, "when you hurt all over and all you rode was the massage chair."
#68
"Everything's starting to click for me!" said my father-in-law at dinner. "My knees, my elbows, my neck … "
#69
"Our favorite museum in town displays quilts from around the country. When I visited recently, I asked the woman at the front desk about a senior discount. It wasn't to be. "Sir," she said, "this is a quilt museum. We give discounts to teenagers."
#70
"My grandfather was sipping a beer when he confessed to me he'd drunk more than usual the day before. "What's more than usual?" I asked. "A case." "You can drink a case in a day?!" "Well," he grumbled defensively, "it doesn't take all day."
#71
"The biggest loser at my weight-loss club was an elderly woman. "How'd you do it?" we asked. "Easy," she said. "Every night I take my teeth out at six o'clock."
#72
"An attorney I know once drafted wills for an elderly husband and wife who had been somewhat apprehensive about discussing death. When they arrived to sign the documents, he ushered the couple into his office. "Now," he said to them, "Which one of you wants to go first?"
#73
"I was having trouble with the idea of turning thirty and was oversensitive to any signs of advancing age. When I found a prominent gray hair in my bangs, I pointed to my forehead. "Have you seen this?" I indignantly asked my husband. "What?" he asked. "The wrinkles?"
Jo Johannsen 3 years ago
Twenty-five was the traumatic one for me, I mean a quarter of a century!
Wondering Alice 3 years ago
Me too. Cryed my eyes out. 30 and 40 were nothing compared to 25. I'm getting a bit close to 50 now - oh dear
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BusLady 3 years ago
The year I turned 30, i thought my life was over. The year I turned 40 I was glad to be alive. I had survived a major surgery and a serious car accident. The year I turned 50 I celebrated freedom from a difficult marriage. The year I turned 60 I celebrated my second year of retirement. Life is good.
#74
"After a shopping expedition, my friend Gina and I stopped in a local bar for a drink. We hadn't been seated long when she leaned over and said that four young men at the next table were watching us. Since we're both thirty-something, married with children, we found the situation flattering. We sat a little straighter and tried to look slimmer and younger. In a few minutes, one of the men got up and came toward our table." "Excuse me," he said. Then he reached over our heads to turn up the volume on the televised ball game."
Claire Stanfield 3 years ago
Ugh. Just like when someone attractive approaches and asks, "is anyone sitting here?" because they want to borrow the chair.
#75
"After working for months to get in shape, my 42-year-old husband and I hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon. At the end of two grueling days, we made it back to the canyon's rim. To celebrate, we each bought an "I hiked the canyon" T-shirt. About a month later, while my husband was wearing his shirt, a young man approached him. "Did you really hike the canyon?" he asked. My husband beamed with pride and answered, "Sure did!" "No kidding!" the fellow said. "What year?"
#76
"The other day I got carded at the liquor store. While I was taking out my ID, my old Blockbuster card fell out. The clerk shook his head, said, “Never mind,” and rang me up." —Andrea Price
Tiny Dancer 3 years ago
Before handing over her ID, a friend was asked when she was born. "19 ...", and that's as far as she got. "Oh, no problem, you're from the 1900s." Ouch! That one hurt.
#77
Police in Tampa, Florida, raided and shut down a weekly $4-a-round mah-jongg game played by four elderly women. The Week asked its readers for titles of crime movies that could be made about this bust: Golden Girls, Interrupted The Lavender Hair Mob, Indicting Miss Daisy, No Country for Old Women, The Social Security Network.
Memere 3 years ago
Not at all surprised to see this was in Florida, where they arrested a 90 year old activist & 2 pastors for handing out food to the homeless!
HarriMissesScotland 3 years ago
The only thing I loved about Florida was my treehouse and the beach. The politicians are killing me.
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#78
"While visiting a retirement community, my wife and I decided to do some shopping and soon became separated. "Excuse me," I said, approaching a clerk. "I'm looking for my wife. She has white hair and is wearing white shoes." Gesturing around the store, the clerk responded, "Take your pick."
#79
"My 60-year-old mother-in-law, completing two years of wearing orthodontic braces, was in the office having them adjusted. As she sat in one of the waiting- room chairs, the teenager next to her looked at my mother-in-law in astonishment. "Wow," he said. "How long have you been coming here?"
#80
"We invited some old friends to help celebrate my 40th birthday. My husband went out to buy a gift, and he saw some cute little music boxes. A blue one was playing "Happy Birthday to You." Thinking they were all the same, he picked up a red one and asked the clerk to have it gift-wrapped. When we sat down to dinner, he gave it to me, asked me to open it and— surprise—out came the tune to "The old gray mare, she ain't what she used to be."
HarriMissesScotland 3 years ago
At Florida National Cemetery, a cemetery for veterans, my sister and I were visiting my mother's grave. They have a carillon tower. It was playing, "Hey, Hey, The Gangs All Here."
#81
"My hearing had gotten worse, and ultimately I was faced with a decision: buy a pontoon boat, which I could enjoy all summer, or get a hearing aid. The choice was obvious—to me at least. However, my sisters did not approve of the boat. One day during lunch with them, I was having trouble following the conversation. Finally I leaned over to one of my sisters and asked what had just been said. "You should have brought along your pontoon boat," she replied.
#82
"I was having lunch with several thirty-something friends when talk turned to the dismal prospect of our growing older. "Well, judging by my mother," I said, "at least my hearing will improve. My mother can hear my biological clock ticking from 200 miles away."
#83
“This is your great-grandma and great grandpa,” I told my grandson as I handed him a photo of my parents. “Do you think I look like them?” He shook his head. “Not yet.”
#84
"My sister and I decided to reframe a favorite photograph of our mother and father from when they were dating, some 60 years ago. After removing the picture from the frame, I turned it over, hoping to find a date. I didn't. Instead, my mother had written, "128 lbs."
#85
"Jim, my 40-something husband, was playing basketball with friends his age. "Pretty soon," said one of his teammates, "we'll have to count it as a basket if the ball just hits the rim." "Yeah," Jim agreed. "It's scary when you have to look through the bottom part of your bifocals to shoot layups and the top part on jump shots."
#86
Two old women in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, "How do you really feel? I mean, you’re 60 years old, how do you honestly feel?" "Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I’ve got no hair, no teeth, and I just wet myself."
Wondering Alice 3 years ago
Not sure who retires at 60 either, joke is ok (I didn't laugh, but it's ok) but they picked the wrong age. 60 is old to a kid, but no where near old enough for these ailments to be common. Even 70 would be too young for this to work.
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Wood Carver 3 years ago
35 here. Worked in industrial sites and construction since I was 16.... I regularly crack like popcorn when I stand up and moan oh god I'm at least 1000 years old. If 60 doesn't make you feel old I'm so very jealous of your healthy joints and bones lol.
#87
"My husband can't activate our Amazon Echo, because he keeps forgetting its name, Alexa. "Just think of the car Lexus and add an a at either end," I suggested. The next time he wanted to use our new toy, he looked a bit puzzled. Then he remembered what I’d said and confidently called out, "Acura!" —Linda Price
#88
"When the new activities director for the rec center walked in, all us retirees quickly took notice. She was 20-something, statuesque, and gorgeous. My buddy whispered, “She makes me wish I was 30 years older.” “Don’t you mean 30 years younger?” I asked. “No. If I were 30 years younger, I’d still never have a chance with a woman like that. If I were 30 years older, it wouldn’t bother me so much.”
#89
"What’s a hipster?" asked my four-year-old cousin. “Someone who will wear something just to look different,” I said. “They’ll often buy clothes in thrift shops and wear thick glasses.” “Is Grandma a hipster?” he asked." — Eyesha Sadiq
#90
"At age 70, my grandfather bought his first riding lawnmower. "This thing is great," he bragged to my brother. "It took me only an hour and a half to mow the lawn. It used to take your grandmother two days to do it all!"
#91
"I have no respect for gangs today. They just drive by and shoot people. At least in the old days, like in West Side Story, the gangs used to dance with each other first."
#92
"My brother and his wife started their family in their early 40s. One day my sister-in-law and I were commiserating about the effects of time marching on. "I just got my first pair of glasses," she said, and paused as her two preschool boys thundered past her. "Now, if only my hearing would go."
#93
"To celebrate his 40th birthday, my boss, who is battling middle-age spread, bought a new convertible sports car. As a finishing touch, he put on a vanity plate with the inscription "18 Again." The wind was let out of his sails, however, when a salesman entered our office the following week. "Hey," he called out, "who owns the car with the plate 'I ate again'?"
#94
"When a soldier came to the clinic where I work for an MRI, he was put into the machine by an attractive, young technician. Sometime later, when the examination was over, he was helped out of the machine by a far older woman. The soldier remarked, "How long was I in there for?" — Joanne Korman
#95
"I knew that my husband's hearing had deteriorated after our friend—new to the city— asked where he could meet some singles. "Well," said my husband, " I see them in the Kmart parking lot diving for fries." "Dear," I intervened. "Singles, not seagulls."
#96
"I was feeling pretty creaky after hearing the TV reporter say, "To contact me, go to my Facebook page, follow me on Twitter, or try me the old-fashioned way - e-mail."
#97
"My diminutive aunt Flora, just four feet, nine inches tall, accepted an offer to visit a health club for a free session. After being greeted heartily, she was shown where she could change and told an instructor would soon be with her. Having changed her clothes, Aunt Flora went back to the exercise area. Along one wall she noticed a silver bar that was not in use, and decided to try her hand at chin-ups while she waited. She jumped up, barely reaching the bar, and managed to strain through two chin-ups before the instructor came to her side. Smiling politely, the instructor said, "If you want to let go of the coat rack and follow me, I'll be glad to help you get started."
#98
"One day at the office of the orthopedic specialist I work for, we had to make arrangements for an elderly patient with spinal arthritis to have a special injection. We said we would phone him with the information. Two days later, the patient called us, concerned that he had missed our call because of his poor hearing. "I can barely hear, barely see and barely walk," he told me. Then he added cheerfully, "Things could be worse, though. At least I can still drive."
#99
"For years my sister's husband tried unsuccessfully to persuade her to get a hearing aid. "How much do they cost?" she asked one day after he had pitched the idea to her again. "They're usually about $3,000," he said. "Okay, well, if you say something worth $3,000," she replied, "I'll get one."
#100
Ethel was an elderly lady who had never married, and was the organist at her local church. She was well known and many people looked to her for counsel. Her church had just gotten a new, young pastor in the last few months, so he would visit occasionally to chat with her and seek her wisdom. One day, he stops by and she invites him into the parlor room. There she tells him to make himself at home while she fetches some tea and snacks. The young pastor then notices an unopened condom sitting in a bowl of water on top of her home organ. He decides to ignore it and she returns with snacks and they begin chatting. A few minutes later he decides to give in to his curiosity and ask her about the condom. Ethel: "Oh! that is a marvelous thing I found while strolling through the park awhile back. Isn't it lovely?" Pastor: "Do you know what that is for?" Ethel: "Well it has been helping me prevent disease! And it has done a wonderful job!" The pastor is taken aback, and Ethel begins to explain to him: "The directions say to put it on the organ and keep it wet to prevent the spread of disease. Wouldn't you know I've been well all winter!"
#101
"My grandfather and his best friend, Brook, both had dark senses of humour. Sadly, Brook committed suicide in 2001 by jumping from the window of his 3rd-floor hotel room. At the wake, my grandfather poured everyone a glass of scotch – his best friend’s favourite drink – and asked that we listen while he said a few solemn words in Brook’s memory. My grandfather raised his glass and said, “Brook was never a man of convention, but in this instance, I wish he had of used the stairs. Cheers.”
#102
"I asked my 91-year-old father, “Dad, what were your good old days?” His thoughtful reply: “When I wasn’t good, and I wasn’t old."
#103
This farmers wife prayed to the Lord and asked him, "How old will I be when I die?" His reply was 96 years old. She said, "Hot diggity dog, I will have myself fixed up." She had everything lifted and tucked and was in the doctor's office, making the last payment on her reconstruction. She walked out of the doctor's office, started across the street, and was hit and killed. She gets to heaven and asks the Lord, "What happened? You told me that I would live to be 96." His reply: "We'll I just didn't recognize you!"
#104
How are stars like false teeth? They both come out at night!
Nurichwersonst 3 years ago
Better than teeth that are like the stars... so yellow and so far away from each other. 🤭😅
#105
"Recently I sat in a restaurant watching two older men go at it. It quickly grew heated as one of them declared, "I'm so mad, I'm taking you off my pallbearer list!"
#106
An IBM exhibit in New York City portrayed the advancement in technology of statistical and calculating machines from the abacus to the computer. After completing the tour, I stopped at the reception desk to ask a question. There, a distinguished elderly gentleman was keeping track of the number of visitors in the old tried-and-true method of drawing IIII IIII on a sheet of paper.
#107
"Just before Easter I remarked to my husband that, with the children grown and away from home, this was the first year that we hadn't dyed eggs and had an Easter-egg hunt. "That's all right, honey," he said. "We can just hide each other's vitamin pills."
#108
"My 20th high-school class reunion was held at a hotel on the same night that another school's tenth-year reunion was taking place. While my friends and I were in the rest room talking, some unfamiliar women entered. After their stares became uncomfortable, we turned toward them. One of the women said, "Don't mind us. We just wanted to see how we'd look in another ten years."
#109
"Having fought the battle of the bulge most of my life, I found the battle getting even harder as I approached middle age. One evening, after trying on slacks that were too tight, I said to my husband, "I'll be so glad when we become grandparents. After all, who cares if grandmothers are fat?" His prompt reply: "Grandfathers."
#110
An elderly couple in great shape unfortunately get into a car accident and die. They were 90 years old. Upon arriving to heaven they are shown around. They’re told they will be living in a beautiful home all with the latest amenities, including a fully stocked fridge. They open the fridge and see amazing food. The wife asks worriedly, “Isn’t this food unhealthy?!” They’re told not to worry, in heaven it doesn't matter what they eat, they’re already dead, they’ll be perfectly fine. Upon hearing this, to the wife’s surprise, her husband stalks off angrily. “What wrong?” she asks. “I’LL TELL YOU WHAT’S WRONG! If it weren't for you and your stupid bran muffins, I could have been here years ago!”
#111
"Feeling down about my thinning hair," I told a friend, “Soon I’ll never need to go back to the beauty salon. Whenever I vacuum, all I pick up is my hair. A glass-half-full kind of gal," she responded, “Well, then you won’t need to vacuum either." —Agnes Scharenbroch
#112
"After my 91-year-old mother finished having her hair cut and shaped, the stylist announced, “There, now you look ten years younger.” My mother, unimpressed, replied, “Who wants to look 81 years old?”
#113
"I've always been a disappointment. When I was five, I looked down at the crayons I was coloring with and sighed—when I was two, this is not what I saw myself doing at five."
#114
"A nurse friend of mine took a 104-year-old patient for a walk in the hospital corridor. When she got him back to his room and sat him down, he took a deep breath and announced, "That was great! I don't feel a day over 100!"
#115
"After booking my 90-year-old mother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, I called the airline to go over her needs. The woman representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and an attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and impaired vision. I also asked for a special meal and assistance in changing planes. My apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured me everything would be taken care of. I thanked her profusely. "Why, you're welcome," she replied. I was about to hang up when she cheerfully asked, "And will your mother be needing a rental car?"
#116
"While on maternity leave, a woman from our office brought in her new bundle of joy. She also had her seven-year-old son with her. Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked, "Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?" "What do you say?" she said. Respectfully, the boy replied, "You're thin and beautiful." The woman reached in her purse and gave her son the money.
Valerie G. 3 years ago
And that ladies and gentlemen is how to raise a young man to be a successful suitor later in life.
#117
"At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he thought that he'd be around for his 104th. "I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."
#118
An elderly man visits the doctor for a checkup. "Mr. Smith, you're in great shape," says the doctor afterward. "How do you do it?" "Well," says Mr. Smith, "I don't drink, I don't smoke, and the good Lord looks out for me. For weeks now, every time I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, he turns the light on for me." Concerned, the doctor finds Mrs. Smith in the waiting room and tells her what her husband said. "I don't think that's anything to worry about," she says. "And on the bright side, it does explain who's been peeing in the fridge."
#119
"While taking a clinical history from an elderly patient, I asked, “How’s your love life?” “I don’t know,” he said. “I’ll ask my wife.” He got up, walked into the hallway where his wife was sitting, and shouted, “Hey, the doctor wants to know if we still have sex.” His wife shouted back, “No, the only thing we have is Medicare and Blue Cross.”
#120
"When I was in high school, I wore Birkenstocks. Or as I call them now, the '90s version of a purity ring."
#121
At the restaurant, a sign read "Karaoke Tonight!" Grandma studied it before asking, "What kind of fish is that?"
#122
"I'm bald--well, balding. I like to say "balding" because it sounds more productive. And I don't like to say I'm losing my hair, because that makes it sound like had I been more responsible, this wouldn't have happened. "Where's your hair?" "I lost it. You know me. Where are my keys?"
#123
"Our dear friend Trudy attended my husband's birthday party. Though she's been through a lot—including a double mastectomy and reconstructive surgery—Trudy was the life of the party as usual. Hugging her good-bye, I couldn't help noticing she had nothing on under her blouse. "Trudy, you're not wearing a bra!" I whispered. With a twinkle in her eye she replied, "I may be 70, honey, but they're only 15."
#124
A man goes to the doctor to get some test done. When the doctor comes back he says "I have bad news and worse news." The patients says "Well give me the bad news first doc" The doctor replies "The bad news is you have cancer" The patient exclaims "Wow what's the worse news then?" The doctor says "The worse news is you have Alzheimers" The patient says "Well at least I don't have cancer!"
#125
"Over dinner, I could sense something was bothering my mother, so I asked if anything was wrong. “Yes,” she admitted. “What’s all this I hear on the news about banning baking products?” I patted her hand reassuringly and said, “That’s vaping products.”
#126
"After I bought my mother a compact-disc player and some CDs, she was excited to discover she no longer needed to rewind or fast-forward tapes or move the needle on her record player. "Knowing she was not that technically astute, I called her a few days later to see how she was managing. "Fine. I listened to Shania Twain this morning," she said. "The whole CD?" I asked. "No," she replied, "just one side."
#127
Three old ladies are at the park talking when the topic of how wonderfully devoted their children are comes up. The first lady says: “I have a daughter like you wouldn’t imagine. Every winter she takes me to Florida for two weeks!” The second lady, not to be outdone, says: “Pfft, you think you’ve got it good? My daughter takes me to Hawaii every summer for 2 months!” The third lady looks at both of them and says “You two think you have good daughters. You don't know what it means to have a good daughter. You know what my daughter does? Every Sunday, she goes to her psychologist and pays him $200 an hour just to talk about me!”
#128
What are the three best things about Alzheimer’s Disease? 1. You make new friends every day. 2. You can laugh at all the old jokes. 3. You make new friends every day.
#129
"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that's the law." —Jerry Seinfeld
#130
A beggar approaches a grandmother at the beach with his hands out. “Please, Señora,” the poor man pleads, “I haven't eaten all day.” “Good,” says the grandmother. “Now you won't have to worry about cramps when you go for a swim.”
#131
"Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called to remind the people at the clerk's office that she was exempt because of her age. "You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," they said. "I've already done that," replied my friend. "I did it last year." "You have to do it every year," she was told. "Why?" came the response. "Do you think I'm going to get younger?"
#132
"I was with my husband at a baseball game in Boston's Fenway Park when I decided to go get myself a hot dog. As I stood up my husband asked me to buy him a beer. The young clerk at the concession stand asked to see verification of age. "You've got to be kidding," I said. "I'm almost 40 years old." He apologized, but said he had to insist. When I showed him my license, the clerk served me the beer. "That will be $4.25." I gave him $5 and told him to keep the change. "The tip's for carding me," I said. He put the change in the tip cup. "Thanks," he said. "Works every time."
#133
"I was turning 40 and decided to celebrate by fulfilling my longtime dream to go sky-diving. Before the jump, my mother and I spent the day at a festival, where we bumped into two of my cousins. They inquired about my upcoming birthday, and when I told them about my jump from 10,000 feet, I could tell they were a bit mystified. Finally one of them remarked, "Why don't you just get your breasts done like everyone else?"
What do you think ?
Not A Panda 3 years ago
Someone got hold of a stack of old Reader's Digest again, didn't they?
Francesca Annoni 3 years ago
Why some of the "old people jokes" are about peoples in their 40..I feel old!!
Paige Gainey 3 years ago
I'm having a bit pre-dementia breakdown reading them 🤣
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Léonie Avery 3 years ago
At the supermarket once I got fake-offended about not getting ID'd buying alcohol. The cashier shot back at me, "why?! Is it illegal when you're over 60…?!?!" I was like 30!🤣
Brian Bennett 3 years ago
Does anyone else immediately change back into their PJ's as soon as they get home regardless of the time? People ask me what I'm doing tomorrow probably assume that I know what day of the week it is! The only trouble with retirement is you never get a day off! Don't believe all you read getting old is a hell if a lot of fun - if you do it right!
Little king trash mouth 3 years ago
I do that now and I'm only 41, lol. If I'm not going anywhere near once I'm home and no one's coming to my house, pjs and no bra it is!
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Who Panda 420 3 years ago
For those having trouble understanding the jokes, wait till you're at least 40 then read them again. I promise they will all make sense 😆
Not A Panda 3 years ago
Someone got hold of a stack of old Reader's Digest again, didn't they?
Francesca Annoni 3 years ago
Why some of the "old people jokes" are about peoples in their 40..I feel old!!
Paige Gainey 3 years ago
I'm having a bit pre-dementia breakdown reading them 🤣
Load More Replies... Léonie Avery 3 years ago
At the supermarket once I got fake-offended about not getting ID'd buying alcohol. The cashier shot back at me, "why?! Is it illegal when you're over 60…?!?!" I was like 30!🤣
Brian Bennett 3 years ago
Does anyone else immediately change back into their PJ's as soon as they get home regardless of the time? People ask me what I'm doing tomorrow probably assume that I know what day of the week it is! The only trouble with retirement is you never get a day off! Don't believe all you read getting old is a hell if a lot of fun - if you do it right!
Little king trash mouth 3 years ago
I do that now and I'm only 41, lol. If I'm not going anywhere near once I'm home and no one's coming to my house, pjs and no bra it is!
Load More Replies... Who Panda 420 3 years ago
For those having trouble understanding the jokes, wait till you're at least 40 then read them again. I promise they will all make sense 😆
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