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There's nothing worse than being on the receiving end of an insult and not being able to think of a good comeback (although you'll eventually come up with the best response ever...about three days later). As you can see from this list of the best comebacks compiled by Bored Panda however, some people have no problem coming up with a snarky, witty, or downright savage, yet funny roast when the situation requires one.
Not only these savage comebacks serve as a shaming matter for the person who deserved it and got burnt, but the best roasts also, as weird as it may sound, teaches the principles of morals. And it doesn't really matter that the roastee didn't expect to learn a thing or two, they did so anyway.
Scroll down for some of the best responses and hilariously good roasts we could find. Don't forget to vote for your favorite!
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#1
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
Had a really witty teacher for my game design class, the Vice Principal hated him for whatever reason. One day we were all studiously working with our headphones on programming away while our teacher was upfront reading a book, very available and approachable if we had any questions. Then the VP walks in the room: VP: "Mr. Teacher, it has come to my attention that you have absolutely no control over this class! This is unacceptable." Teacher gives him a fairly nonchalant stare, cooly and calmly places his book down, and claps his hands loudly three times (which was his very effective way of getting our attention while listening to music). Mind you, the following occurred without us knowing why the VP was there or what he had said. Teacher: "Ok class listen up, I have an exercise for you. This'll only take a few moments. First and foremost, everybody stand up." We all stood up in near unison very quickly. Teacher: "Good, now I want all of you to leave the room and stand outside in the hallway and no matter what this guy says," as he points his finger at VP, "do not come back in the room until I say so. Ok, go!" We all exit the room, a little intrigued by what was going on. Teacher: "Ok VP, bring them back in the classroom" We didn't budge To this day, that is one of my favorite stories to tell.
arthur lindsay coker 8 years ago
a new pretty young art teacher began the year at a local high school and soon got a good deal of attention form the boys; short skirts, low cut blouse, and that soon got her called to the principal's office. "I know it's only your first day here, but you have to adhere to the dress standards we have. Skirt below the knees, nothing low cut or revealing. OK?" She nodded, and the following day came in ankle length skirt, roll top sweater, with a beautiful, wide leather belt with odd markings around her middle. The principal congratulated her. A short while later, as she walked out of the staff room, a teacher did a double take and started to laugh. Those marks had become a message: "Get F****d'
Alex Taylor 8 years ago
this reminds me of the time when a kid when i was in third or fourth grade asked my friend if he had control over us after we changed tables because he moved to a new table and we all moved but when my friend got up again to move to prove he did we didn't budge lol
sunnyrei82 8 years ago
The VP is a clear example of the way some companies think: what matters is the hours spent IN THE OFFICE and always been watched and controlled by "the BOSS", with strict rules and controls. The Teacher is an example of the NEW way of thinking of some companies (many of them managed or founded by millenials): what matters is getting the job done, quality > quantity, without a problem with the home office, and understand that if you have a happy employee he/she will work better, managed by "a LEADER".
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#2
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
My HS principal once insulted my mother's english (she's not from America). She just politely apologized for the mixup and said "I'm sorry sometimes I get English mixed up with the other six languages. How many do you speak?"
Yvonne Bernal 8 years ago
Like the lady in the checkout line who was criticized for speaking a "foreign" language on her cell phone. A rude person standing behind her, told her this is America and she should speak our "native language." To which the cell phone lady replied, " I was... I was speaking Navajo".
Daria B 8 years ago
Aughfffffffghghh. She was f**king speaking on her cell phone, which language she used is literally none of anyone's business. Seriously, some people are illogical.
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Tiny Dynamine 8 years ago
Did you see that recent viral video of a woman being racist to a Hispanic lady? She said "You're in America! Speak English!" Why not American? Oh yeah, they use a foreign language.
Anak Shaleh 8 years ago
so it's good to be foreigner, we have to learn english beside our main language.
#3
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
Dude at my gym who is overweight has been working it off, slowly but surely, for a few months. This new guy comes in one day and starts trying to flirt with the receptionist (who is the overweight guys wife). He decides to loudly ask why that dude is so fat if he is at the gym. The receptionist looks at him for a long moment and then says "Because every time we screw I let him lick chocolate sauce off me." I nearly died laughing that day.
#4
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
Heard a good one about Muhammad Ali - when he was on a plane once the Stewardess politely asked him to put his seatbelt on, to which he said "Superman don't need no seatbelt!" "Superman don't need no plane" she replied.
Sasy 8 years ago
I had a steward friend that told me once, that on a flight some children were being incredibly demanding and rude, and the parents were allowing the rudeness to the staff. In the end he went over to them and when they made another demand, he told them it was a 747 not a 711 - I am not sure how true that is, but it is funny anyway.
#5
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
A girl at work had to get glasses and one of out regulars comes in and says "aw man you should take those off you look way better without them" and she goes "yeah you look way better without them too." I thought that was pretty clever.
Angela Tilyard 8 years ago
When people say I look funny without my glasses on , I say 'so do you'.
Anak Shaleh 8 years ago
i think girls with sunglasses are magically pretty in some way.They look sexy and smart at the same time
Master Markus 8 years ago
I highly doubt it would be THAT much of an issue with a regular.
Load More Replies... #6
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
This really shy kid that doesn't really speak much was getting picked on my this mean girl when the teacher tells her "be nice to him, he might be your boss someday," without missing a beat he replies "no thanks, I don't want to be a pimp when I grow up."
#7
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
My crazy neighbor's crazy daughters, who are identical twins, are having a massive argument: Twin 1: "Fuck you you ugly bitch!" Twin 2: "We're twins you fucking moron!" They heard me laughing.
Asa-Mari Stancil 8 years ago
My mother to my little brother: You stupid son of a b***h! My little brother to my mother: Well if you're my mother what does that make you???? I swear we were all going to die that day. Have you ever experienced having all the air being suck out of you from trying not to laugh and trying not to die all at the same time? I will never forget what that feels like.
Anak Shaleh 8 years ago
so, is it real mother-son fight or just joking each other
Load More Replies... Superluminal1 8 years ago
I'm rubber. you're glue. Whatever you say to me bounces off and sticks to you!
Christopher Boylan 8 years ago
I heard a mother yell at her 5 or 6 year old son at the supermarket, telling him to "shut up and get over here, m**********r!" Really?
Jesus Christ 4 years ago
why did i just realize m**********r is a compound word?
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#8
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
My conservative Mormon mother decides to talk to me for the first time about sex (17 at the time) She places two slices of chocolate cake, beautifully decorated, from a nice bakery. "Now daughter, this is you with your virginity..." She then squashes one slice of cake with her hand. "And this is you without your virginity. What slice of cake would you rather give to your future husband, for time and all eternity?" I look back and forth between the cakes "But, mom...they taste the same..." My older sister still loves to bring this up. It may be a funnier story when told out loud, though.
Just a Purpler 8 years ago
aha, I laugh, but for the record, I also proudly declare myself a mormon :P ... You might call it sexual repression, but I value how it keeps me safe! You might not, and that's ok, to each there own, but I just wanted to set the record straight that there is a mormon floating around on the comments here, and I while don't mean to be a "Party pooper", I want to set the record straight, that while I think the people in my church can do some funny things at times, I'm still proud to declare I'm mormon!
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Bertha Garcia 8 years ago
Don't f*****g care how many time she had sex. Like let's talk about the guy, so he can sleep how many time he wants with whoever he wants but no one says anything.
Just a Purpler 8 years ago
You make it sound as though sex is just something we should all be allowed to play with like a toy. Are you saying we shouldn't talk about sex at all? Because that sounds like a horrible alternative to talking about it too much.
Load More Replies... Daniel Law 8 years ago
Depends on Mom's reaction. THAT is the punch line. Did she blush and stutter? Did she get pissed and stomp out? Did she break down in tears? Did she laugh her a*s off and agree with you? What's the rest of the story?
Robyn Scott 8 years ago
They taste the same and will end up the same so no matter how they started out.
ShiAnne Dansie Svare 8 years ago
Object lesson's are a horrible way to approach the subject of virginity.
Sarah Boyd 8 years ago
I disagree with that statement. ... Sometimes the only way a person learns is through visual aid. I'm not saying I agree with the objects she used and how she presented it to her child but as long as she got her point across and . I mean I know it'd be something I'd remember the rest of my life if I was told about sex using cake .... whatever works though. .. lol lol that's hilarious
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Sarah Boyd 8 years ago
Ikr? wtf kind of mickey mouse show was that mother using? ??? I wonder what possessed the mom 2 use cake to explain sex to her daughter.
Load More Replies... #9
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
Once asked a middle aged woman to borrow her pen on the train. Me: "May I please borrow you pen, ma'am?" Woman: "Excuse me -- don't call me ma'am. Don't you know how offensive that is to say to a woman?" Me: "My apologies...sir."
Yvonne Bernal 8 years ago
THAT is funny! Serves her right for treating somebody to be kind enough, to be polite... yet she's rude in return. I have never understood what is wrong with saying ma'am. I was brought up saying "yes ma'am, or no sir" to my elders.
Kolohe 8 years ago
According to Merriam Webster, Ma’am is used to “politely speak to a woman who you do not know.” Even Urban Dictionary says, “Ma’am is a shortened version of the word Madame, which was formally used when addressing women in the days when etiquette and common courtesy were commonplace.”
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Lucrecia Colombo Borja 8 years ago
I don't understand it either, at work once u was speaking with a woman that got really mae at me because I said to her ma'am she even told me that the next time I called her like that she was going to talk to my supervisor, I just instinctively answered: "sorry ma'am" lol
Phyllis Martinez 8 years ago
As a older woman, I don't get why young people call me "miss". I'm not a teenager and nobody's confused about my age. Call me ma'am.
Quant 8 years ago
ma'am is supposed to be offensive? What a dumbass... It's "madam" with silent "d", no idea why the americans decided to loose the D, nonetheless in the rest of the civilized world it's a respectful way to address someone we don't know. In fact considered to be hyper-polite, that's why you put it in the salutations of business letters.
Quant 8 years ago
PS... Obviously... but I needed to get this out of my system anyway... ;)
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Bonnie Alcorn 8 years ago
I worked at a call center where the number one rule is "the customer is always right (even if they're not). One day I took a call from a very rude, nasty person. I had been referring to the caller as sir throughout the call; all of a sudden I'm being screamed at "I am not a sir...I'm a woman". Of course, I apologized profusely several times. I waited until the call disconnected before I finished my apology...I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, etc. that you SOUND like a man. Just couldn't help myself.
Daniel Law 8 years ago
Really, come on. We, as boys, were taight to refer to women older than we were as ma'am. It is a term of respect. How about, 'Hey, Lady!'? Or 'Hey, b***h!' or anything else?
#10
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
It was during lunch at high school when this kid with really bad crossed eyes made fun of this Asian kid. He was just saying stereotypical things like, Asians can't drive and etc. The Asian kid replies with " you I'm really jealous of you, when you cross the street you don't need to look both ways." Everyone was dying, laughing so hard.
Iapetos 8 years ago
That's a real mean one... but probably the best reply to show this guy how dumb he is judging other people for their apperance.
Samuel Jay Brown 8 years ago
Well considering 1 kid was being picked on for his race I don't think the comeback was that big a deal.
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Mattias Strömberg 8 years ago
I'm of Korean origin, and sometimes people ask if my vision is more narrow than theirs (being of non East Asian origin). I usually just reply that I prefer my 16:9 built in Wide-screen vision instead of their 4:3 fat-TV vision.
#11
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
My dad is a pediatrician. Someone said to my brother: "Your dad touched my balls." My brother's response was: "Yeah, and you paid him for it."
#12
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
Working as a bouncer years ago when we refused to let some drunk guy in the club, he popped the douchey 'Do you know who my Dad is?' as if it meant something but quick as a flash my colleague replied 'Does your Mum?'
Josh Arsenic 8 years ago
Working as a bouncer and my other friends is this big English bouncer. It's a busy night and some college girl doesn't have her I.D and she says "if I flash you guys can I get it in? He looks at her and says "sorry love your tit's aren't like tree stumps I can't look at them and count the rings to know your age. I died laughing.
Sasy 8 years ago
I have the other side to this, was once outside a club with a huge queue, some drunk stumbles out and leers at me and says ' I wanna ROOT" (aussie for _____) so I said ' go hump a tree' not only did my friends and I get to no longer wait in line, but I got VIPjavascript:void(0); Membership the bouncers laughed so much.
Load More Replies... Bonnie Alcorn 8 years ago
Heard one similar about something that happened at an airport. A man, upset about having to wait in like to see a ticket agent, pushed his way to the front to ask the clerk "Do you know who I am?" The clerk immediately picked up her p.a. mike and announced: "Ladies & gentleman, we have a gentleman here who does not know who he is. If you think you may recognize him, please step up to the desk". So much for pulling rank.
hcaballero57 2 years ago
I was a bouncer at a club for a long time. One night a couple came in the GF was a real snob and I had an "I'm better than you attitude" her boyfriend was a minor. She was being rude to me and started calling me r******d because I wouldn't let the BF in as an adult, I let it go. Later that night the boyfriend was being thrown out for taking off his minor band. When I was talking to him his GF was still being rude. I asked him why did he take off his band. He said it was ugly and he doesn't care for ugly things and some other stupid stuff. I just told him "well your GF is ugly, why do you keep her around?" They both got embarrassed and walked away
#13
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
At my high school there was a chick in a wheelchair. She was extremely good looking but suuuuuper bitchy. A guy was walking down the hallway with some retro lunch box, I forget what but it was actually pretty awesome. Anyway, she says "Nice fucking lunchbox." How does he reply? Nice fucking legs. Everyone was speechless.
Jayne Britton 8 years ago
Just because you're handicapped doesn't mean you can't be an a*****e
Aunt Messy 8 years ago
She earned that one - she was deliberately acting like a jerk.
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#14
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
Every time I walk into a store with my dad. Worker: "Can I help you?" Dad: "No, he was born like that."
Aino Laine 8 years ago
Constantly shaming your children is not going to affect them in a good way
Pennyworth 8 years ago
That's not nice. I get the joke, but it'll just undercut your kid's self-esteem for years to come.
April Caron 3 years ago
Me (when my high school students ask for help): OK, but I’m not a psychologist.
#15
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
When my brother and I were really young, 11 and 8, he called me gay. He didn't know what it meant, I probably didn't either, but it was a term that we used at the time to mean "lame". Anyways, we were on a long road trip when he called me this. About 30 minutes later he started to complain about his butt hurting from the long ride and without missing a beat, I said "And you called me gay?". My dad had to pull the truck over because he was laughing so hard that he had tears coming out.
Agnes Auxiliatrix 8 years ago
That's so perfect :'D I wonder how they reacted to the real meaning
Daria B 8 years ago
Actually, the "real" meaning would be "happy", or "joyful". *blinks innocently*
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Tash Lawrence 8 years ago
OMG!! I'm laughing so hard at reading that right now, couldn't read it to the end cause I'm laughing 😂😂
#16
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
I was at a guitar store once, I'm not a very good guitar player, but I was shopping for an amp and decided to try a few out. I pulled a guitar down from the wall, plugged into an amp and started tweaking the settings to my liking. A guy in a wheelchair came up, plugged into the amp next to me and dimed the volume, then proceeded to play some masturbatory metal licks. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, powered off the amp that I was testing and walked across the room to another amp, plugged in and started fiddling with settings again. Again, he rolled himself over, plugged into the amp directly adjacent to mine, turned up to 11 and proceeded to go to town on the guitar. A second time, I gave him the benefit of the doubt, walked away and tried a third amp without saying a word to him. He rolled over, plugged in, turned up and started playing as loud as he could. I asked him if he'd mind giving me a few moments, as I was considering buying one of the amps, and he responded with "I don't know why you bother, you're a shitty guitarist and I can do anything you can do ten times better." I looked him in the eye, said "Not quite anything" and reached up to hang the guitar from the top rack, which I had to stretch a bit to reach, all while maintaining eye contact.
Lauren Mitchell 8 years ago
The guy in the wheelchair was compensating for feeling inadequate. This, however, does not give him the right to be a d**k. I am behind the poster of this story as you are. It's not something anyone would like to do, but sometimes people need to be reminded that politeness is something EVERYONE should maintain. Do unto others and whatnot...
Load More Replies... Tiny Dynamine 8 years ago
He shouldn't have given it out if he couldn't take it back. Nothing wrong with putting him in his place.
Susanna Vesna 8 years ago
Handicapped or not- you don't have an excuse to be an a*****e. This shitbag totally deserved it!
Master Markus 8 years ago
I'm not normally a d**k about this kind of stuff, but as soon as I saw this comment my brain immediately went "Oh no, muh safe space!"
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Илья Берляев 8 years ago
He was clearly asking for this and even more. And I have some disabilities myself and I know what I am talking about. There is a temptation to treat the world like it owes you something because of your difficulties, but there is much more dignity and purpose in living like a normal person despite all of them. In fact, your own disabilities, physical challenges or troubles don't give you any right to behave like that, you never know what kind of difficulties face people around you. Me myself, despite all my limitations in movements, a lot of pain in my childhood and all that, can say for sure, that my biggest troubles and pains were those, related to people, relationships and feelings. So, pretty normal looking person may be in huge pain inside because of their loved ones being badly ill or something like that, you never know. And heavily physically challenge person may be happiest person in the world because he/she has the job they were dreaming of, they may be in love, etc.
Load More Replies... #17
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
Boss to line worker: "I need you to do such and such." Line Worker: "You didn't say the "P" word". Boss says, "Paycheck".
#18
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
I was a fat kid. Not anymore though. When I was 14 or so, my sister-in-law(older brother's wife) asked if I needed a training bra. Without even thinking, I asked if she was jealous(she's flat-chested). It was epic. She just stood there for a second and stormed off. It's been over 20 years and I'm fit and healthy and needless to say, she's still boobless. Why the fuck would an adult say something like that to a kid anyway? Edit: I'm a guy. I was a fat kid with man-boobs.
JamesRTK 8 years ago
A mindful person wouldn't say that.* Here, I fixed it for you.
Load More Replies... Theodora Kane 8 years ago
Some adults seem to think a kid is fair game for their spitefulness. Cowardice, probably - they don't expect a kid to fight back.
Karina Jadia 8 years ago
"Not anymore though." I know I'm misskng the point…but that was too funny. 😂
Chocolate boy _drealmickey 5 years ago
So this happened pretty early my brother had just got into uni and I already had a girlfriend, so I went to go see her and say hi but she was taking forever to get ready so we went to get her from her hostel which is one of many on the same line. My brother takes his phone out and calls her already irritated she says she’s gonna take 5minutes to get down and she’s in wema hostel to which my brother replies « I have a vagina I’m supposed to know where that is » I didn’t see her that night
#19
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
Reporter: They think your haircuts are un-American. John Lennon: Well, that was very observant of them because we aren't American.
#20
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
I was at a bar when a guy said to a stranger "You know, smoking kills." The stranger replies "you know My grandma lived to the age 101." Guy goes "smoking?" Stranger immediately replies with "minding her own fucking business."
Iskrena Dimitrova 8 years ago
Understand that the stranger didn't say it for you, but for himself because smoking smells bad and nonsmokers don't want to breathe your poisonous gas.
Francisco Gomes 8 years ago
Only problem is when other people's smoking habits get into the way of your own health or well-being
Roman Werpachowski 8 years ago
I don't care if smokers die, but I don't want them poisoning me.
Deb Martin Knaff 8 years ago
OK, I LOVE this one! Am so tired of everyone making snide comments about everything and everything. I really want a t-shirt that says MYOFB (mind your own funding business).
Margaret Althea Elvenshadow 8 years ago
Except there is secondhand smoke. So, it IS the guy's business, because the stranger's stupid decision could cause sickness or death.
#21
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
Ok I'm eating at a breakfast diner, and there is an older gentleman sitting next to me at the counter. He stands up to leave, and another old man sitting near him looks at the guy's plate and I guess he noticed that he didn't really eat a whole lot. He says to the old man as he's leaving, "people are starving, and you're leaving food on the plate." Old man turns to the guy, looks at him for a second, and says, "people are starving, and you're fat. What's the difference?"
John Ashley 8 years ago
My late mother used to say this to me quite often when I was a kid. It never really made any sense to me (unearned quilt was , and still is, an alien concept), but I never said anything. Then one day she said it again and I replied, "So if I eat it, they won't starve?" That was the last time she said it.
Daria B 8 years ago
When I was young, I'd be told the same, and felt the same as you, but I'd be like "give it to them, then".
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Patricia Gill 8 years ago
I've puzzled over this argument when it is so often presented at the least appropriate times, say at a table overly-full of food that will spoil before anyone can finish the leftovers, and the person in charge of admonishment trying to get kids to eat more than they should by taking second or third helpings, or a restaurant where someone has the luxury of ordering whatever they want off a menu. I always thought "don't take more from the bowl than you can finish on your plate" was a wiser guide.
Ashley Conover 3 years ago
My mom told me that as a kid, growing up during World War II, her mom would tell them if they didn't finish their food it was going to go down the garbage disposal and feed the Germans.
Frozengeckolover 6 years ago
When I was growing up, my brothers and I were taught not to take more food that we could eat, simply because it is wasteful. I had a friend whose mom would say "Kids are starving in China and they would be happy to have that food." My friend's response: "So, mail it to them."
Илья Берляев 8 years ago
Doesn't eating MORE than you need (assuming he is fat beacuse of that, and not because of some illness) means pretty much wasting food?
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#22
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
My friend asked our teacher "In 20 years, when you see me at our reunion, what will you say to me?" She replied, "how was prison?"
#23
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
One time my boss was up on stage for a meeting and was explaining some issues FedEx was facing with shipment times and that we'll need to adjust our shipping ETA's. So this one especially outspoken individual raised his hand and asked "So uhh, like, when are things going to be like they should be?" To which my boss responded... "I don't know, when are you going to be like you were in your interview?" Whole place went nuts.
#24
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
Was chatting with my parents about something and my Mum and I disagreed on a fact. I looked it up and it turned out she was right, triumphantly she said "See? I do know a thing or two!" I said: "Yeah? What's the other thing?" I think I nearly killed my Dad.
Catalina Ioan 8 years ago
And he would have fully deserved it for saying that to his mother
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Pennyworth 8 years ago
Wow, I feel bad for the mom, having such condescending husband/son in her household. Must be a happy family.
#25
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
At a party years back a woman was flirting with me. I didn't care for it and neither did her husband, a short, built like a bull Mexican. Hours later, at a bar, he keeps giving me the stink eye, comes up and says 'Are you gay'? I say 'Why? Are you interested?' He was so stunned he looked like I'd hit him with 2x4. Saw him two weeks later. He apologized for being a jerk.
Mark Taranto 8 years ago
It doesn't happen much now, but did when I was younger, usually as an insult. My standard reply was "No, but thank you for your interest."
truK nelhE 8 years ago
I went to an 80's club one night with some friends and we all dressed up in 80's clothes. I went over to the bar to get a drink and this guy at the bar turned and looked at the way I was dressed and asked, "When did you get off the fashion train"? I quickly came back with, "About the same time you got off the dickmobile"! Needless to say he was pissed but, moreover, speechless.
#26
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
I was on Xbox Live and some older girl was trashtalking these young kids who were admittedly 9, 10, and 12. She said something crude, and another guy pipes in and tells her to get a life. She exclaims, "I have a life, this is my boyfriend's game, I'm just on my lunch break." The youngest sounding of the kids with no hesitation or pause says to her, "I didnt know hookers were even allowed to have breaks."
Timothy D. 8 years ago
this sounds like something my sister would have said (as the younger boy)
#27
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
I have an in-law who eats keto and used it to lose a ton of weight. One of his (very overweight) cousins took it upon himself to tell him that his diet would send him to an early grave. His response? "Yeah, but at least they'll be able to carry my coffin."
#28
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
A comedian was being heckled by a guy and his two friends. The comedian told them to "pool their IQs and just come as one fucking idiot, next time".
Death Metal Kitty 8 years ago
Never heckle a stand-up, they're likely to be quicker on their feet and have a lot of lines in the bag.
#29
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
"Your dicks the size of a tic-tac" "Is that why your moms breath is so fresh?"
Master Markus 8 years ago
Tic-Tacky! Badum Tsss..... I agree though. A "your mom" response? How gauche.
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#30
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
"I envy people who've never met you" It actually took me a while to realise how cruel it was.
#31
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
I was texting my (relatively mild-mannered) father the other day, and I mentioned that my mother (his ex-wife) has been complaining to me about having had a c-section when I was born. She keeps saying, "it's your fault I have this awful scar." So I texted my dad something like, "mom's blaming me for her c-section scar." My father texted back, "tell her you didn't know so many guys were gonna see it."
Bobby Salomons 8 years ago
Sorry, but if you try to guilt your child about a c-section scar you deserve whatever is thrown at you.
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#32
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
Two motorists are angling for the same parking spot. One growls, "I never back down for idiots!" "Really? Well," the other replies, shifting his car into reverse. "I always do!"
Linda Riebel 8 years ago
This is a 19th century classic. Two upperclass guys meet on a narrow sidewalk. One says, "I never step aside for blackguards." The other one steps aside and says, "I always do."
#33
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
One time my girlfriend asked me what I wanted to do. Being a rude animal, I said "It starts with an F and ends with an UCK." Without even looking up from her magazine she said "Find your lost hockey puck?" Not the wittiest thing by itself but it was QUICK.
#34
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
When a hurricane was pounding his home state, Chris Brown tweeted "Please pray for Virginia." TV writer Danny Zuker responded, "Oh God, what did you do to her?"
#35
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
I had a customer angry we couldn't take another company's gift card. He said "are you saying I can't read?" I said "no our store got sold we can't take those anymore the grace period ended 2 years ago" when he looked at the gift card again he said nothing. His wife said "I guess you can't read after all". I wanted to high five that lady.
#36
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
My brother and I were at a Sonic restaurant in like 2009. He had, in each ear, a one inch hole and and an inch and and half hole. I had one inch ear piercings myself. The waitress skated out with our food. She had probably double-zero holes in her ears, less than half an inch. She looked at me and then at my brother and said, "damn, you make my holes feel small." Without skipping a beat, my brother replied, "that's what all the ladies say."
Papa Scranko 5 years ago
The day I stop making inappropriate jokes towards strangers is the day I get offended by strangers making inappropriate jokes towards me.
#37
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
This short guy at Buffalo Wild Wings was drunk and talking shit on my brother for being tall (6'4") for some reason, saying stuff like "oh big tall man over here look at you aren't you special" etc. My brother responded with, "Dude, I was your height. It wasn't that great".
brandon carey 8 years ago
that is a good one, but rarely does anyone get bashed for being tall.. ><
Rūta Watts 8 years ago
You'd be surprised. Most people don't even think it rude to make snarky comments about somebody being tall.
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#38
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
Man on bench: Run, Forrest, run! Jogger: Sit, fat ass, sit!
#39
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
Reading through a fight between some friends of friends on FB. A girl says "Taken but not appreciated" in response to being given some advice about something. Someone responds with "I didn't ask for the title of your autobiography" One of the only times I've audibly gasped at something I've read on the internet.
#40
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
"You are, without a doubt, the worst pirate I've ever heard of." "But you have heard of me." Always enjoyed that one.
JãÿfēäthērØfThûñdērčłäñ 5 years ago
Reminds me of Hamilton, “Burr,You disgust me” “Ah, So you’ve discussed me”
#41
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
This one happened TO me. Absolutely brutal, but hilarious. I was on a job site with a co-worker named Scott, redoing some plumbing in an empty house. We had an Ipod going, and a song by White Zombie comes on. I can't remember the name of it, but the intro has audio clips of a woman having an orgasm. I yell to Scott "Hey, I think your wife is here!" He was sweeping up some dust after drilling a hole through some concrete, so, he scoops it up, walks over, and very slowly pours it on the floor in front of me with a smirk on his face and says "Hey Pat, your mom's here." My mother had been cremated about 3 weeks before this happened.
Papa Scranko 5 years ago
People who comment on the internet to provide the name of a song are on par with Hazmat Workers and Soldiers in the line of duty. Thank you Marko.
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#42
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
I had an associate at work telling me how they used to volunteer at a Salvation Army Shelter that would take in the homeless on cold nights for free. Apparently one of the people they took in that night was very upset that he had to share the room they were providing and started making a scene. His roommate told him to "go to the front and ask for a refund".
#43
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
Guy in my class in junior high had psoriasis and had to use a Vaseline type cream on his scalp, making his hair super greasy. We had a young male substitute teacher and the student kept ribbing him all class... just constantly bugging him, saying things like he could tell he's never taught before, he should consider a new job, etc. etc. Really annoying. Finally the teacher looks at him and says, "Well at least I didn't comb my hair with a pork chop this morning before coming to school." Whole class erupts. Kid didn't say a word after that.
brandon carey 8 years ago
substitute teachers are not required to take that kind of abuse. I would have said something far worse to that kid, where he had to ask his mom's boyfriend what it meant, and they could all get offended as a family, together.
#44
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
Coworker called lead. Lead was on speakerphone. Coworker notified us he's coming in for work a little late - they were trying to have a baby and his wife thought that day needed to be a day they tried based on her cycle and all that. lead says "fine [name], we don't mind you showing up 30 seconds late. Good luck!" Crew died laughing.
#45
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
"Why do you have only half of you teeth?" "Because I used to ask stupid questions too."
#46
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
Told my dad he wasn't funny and how he never makes jokes and he replies with "Well I made you didn't I?"
#47
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
"Why does everyone always hate my girlfriend right when they meet her?" "It saves time."
Linda Riebel 8 years ago
Another old classic, from the Nixon years, about his chief of staff Bob Haldeman
#48
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
Heckler: My mum died of cancer! Comedian: I'm really sorry to hear that, but how is that relevant? Heckler: It was funnier than your act.
Sockpuppies11 8 years ago
I'm not sure I totally get this... is he insulting the comedian, or his mom?
#49
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
Girl 1: I'm French Canadian, so I can drink a lot. Girl 2: I'm Irish, so I can drink more than you. Girl 1: Yeah, but I can stop
#50
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
Friend's mother was shitting on her for not eating her peas: "There are starving children in Africa!" Friend slouched down in her chair, narrowed her eyes and said: "Name them."
Chiranjeev Sharma 8 years ago
Instead of s******g, shouting would be more appropriate. Sometimes, people think the literal meaning first :)
Lauren Mitchell 8 years ago
I definitely did...totally thought this was going to be a poop joke
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#51
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
My fire team partner in the army. New Sgt: where are you from private brown Pte brown: red deer Alberta New Sgt: I heard there is nothing but steers and queers there. Pte brown: where are you from Sgt? New Sgt: my mothers pussy Pte brown: I'll have to visit some time.
#52
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
My 4-year old was mad at me one night. He tells me: "OH YEA, WE'LL I'M GONNA SELL YOUR BIRTHDAY ON EBAY!" I matter-of-factly informed him that I don't need anymore birthdays anyway. His retort: "AND NO ONE IS GONNA BUY IT!" WTF. I've hung out with some real degenerates in my 35 years, but no one has cut me as deep as that.
Jim Baldessari 8 years ago
My girl friend had taken up knitting. She had knitted a few things and was looking for a new project. I figured I'd be funny and said "Why don't you knit me a c**k sock?" Without missing a beat she said "No, I want to knit something bigger than that." I couldn't stop laughing for for 10 minutes. She didn't even realize what was so funny.
#53
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
This girl told a friend of mine that another guy had told her that she looks like Megan Fox, to which my friend responded with "You should have given his guide dog a biscuit".
#54
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
Kid I was fighting with in middle school - (paraphrase) I bet your parents think you're a failure. Me - Your parents don't even know you're a failure (he was adopted.) I felt a little bad afterwards, but the kid was a prick and still is 15 years later.
Lauren Mitchell 8 years ago
At least you felt bad afterwards, still though, that guy was being a d**k.
#55
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
Me, 11 years old, debating a CC member during an election campaign. "Which one of us is a city council member?" "Apparently the wrong one"
#56
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
Overheard two friends ragging each other yesterday: Friend one: I'm sexier than you by a mile. Friend two: Yeah if you're standing a mile away.
Tiny Dynamine 8 years ago
That doesn't work! It's saying even when #1 is a mile away, they're still sexier than #2!
#57
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
My friends mom works in a jail, and they had a black woman who would not stop calling the authorities crackers. The woman is told if she says the word cracker one more time she is getting detained or something like that. "Alright fine, Saltine American."
Nancy Smith 8 years ago
One source of the term "cracker" is when a slave’s hands were tied to a tree and the slave was whipped with a whip the white man with the whip before he would throw it — he would move his wrist up and down real fast this motion produced a cracking sound. So the black slaves started calling the overseer the cracker, an overseer was a person who would watch the slaves out in the field working. He was in charge of making sure the slaves did their jobs. He was like an Egyptian task master who would watch over the Hebrew slaves during the time when Hebrews were slaves in ancient Egypt.
#58
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
"I have men throwing themselves at me." "Yeah, but only after they've run out of bullets and thrown the gun."
#59
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
My buddy and I were hanging out with a good looking girl. He had a new hat. She reached up, touched it, and asked "is it felt?" He responded "it is now". He is far wittier than me.
#61
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
"If you look up gullible in the dictionary, you'll find a picture of you" "Yeah, well at least my dictionary doesn't have pictures, you fucking idiot"
Leoninus Fate 8 years ago
child dictionaries have a lot of pictures to help kids know wut the words mean, the second guy is calling the first one a baby/kid/child
Load More Replies... #62
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
"You know what the difference is between your opinion and this pizza? I asked for the pizza.."
#63
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
"What are you lookin at asshole?!?!" "How many guesses do I get?"
#64
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
When I was 12-ish, the mean girl in dance class watched me spill water on myself, then said 'smooth move, exlax' so I said 'thanks, pepto-bitch-mol'. Ten years later and I still haven't beaten that one.
#65
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
This was specific to a situation, but I was proud of it. Customer was being an ass and trying to strong arm a partial refund from me. He returned his car 5 hours late and didn't expect any extra charges. Eventually he says" Your job is to type in your little computer and give me a receipt with the RIGHT PRICE. My job is to return the car, pay for it, and go the hell home!" I responded, "Well you're at 2 out of 3 so far." We locked eyes for a moment and I saw fire burning behind his irises. When he realized I wasn't backing down to his bullying, he grumbled to himself and left in a huff.
#66
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
"You look like a donkey." "Ya? Well my face is a mirror!" -7th Graders
#67
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
Heard a brother and sister arguing in a restaurant once. I can't remember the details, but I can remember that the sister called the brother a "fat fuck". His face relaxed and he was silent for a good three seconds. He raised an eyebrow, the only emotion he conveyed and said in the most genuine, even tone I've ever heard "you should have been a meal for mom." He got up and walked away.
#68
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
A girl and her about to be ex-boyfriend were arguing: She: "What's she got that I ain't got?" He: "She has job, she cooks, she cleans, she doesn't waste her money on dumb shit, she doesn't just sit on her ass watching Dr. Phil..." and so on for about five minutes. TL;DR: She asked; he gave her a real answer.
#69
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
- You're like the first slice of bread, everybody touches you but no body wants you.
#70
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
A girl at work had to get glasses and one of out regulars comes in and says "aw man you should take those off you look way better without them" and she goes "yeah you look way better without them too."
#71
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
You remind me of broccoli... I don't like broccoli...
Tiny Dynamine 8 years ago
I went through the whole list to see what was at the bottom. I wasn't disappointed.
#72
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
This short guy at Buffalo Wild Wings was drunk and talking shit on my brother for being tall (6'4") for some reason, saying stuff like "oh big tall man over here look at you aren't you special" etc. My brother responded with, "Dude, I was your height. It wasn't that great"
#73
Most Savage Comebacks Ever Heard
"That's a nice jacket; does it come in men's?" "I think you come in men enough for the both of us."
Master Markus 8 years ago
The first person is an idiot, as that's not how clothes work, and the second one is a prick for no good reason. What is this shite exchange from, and Adam Sandler flick?
Leoninus Fate 8 years ago
It was a lil bit weak of a comeback I would have said something like "Yeah, you want one for your boyfriend?" lol
What do you think ?
rubicat 8 years ago
As a woman "of size" (ahem), I often get unsolicited diet advice from well-meaning but clueless strangers. The biggest insult, however, is the question "are you pregnant?" or some variation thereof. Sometimes, I'll go for the quick and witty "no, but the night is young" response, which usually reminds them to keep in mind that it's rude as hell to ask a woman that. If the stranger (usually a sweet little grandmotherly type) puts hands on my stomach, I'll stare at them for a bit. I don't say anything, just stare. Then they'll ask about the due date, or the supposed baby, or *insert vapid comment here*. I'll shrug and say, "I'm not pregnant, but you can keep touching me. I like it." That usually creeps them out enough to go away. :)
Daniel Munro 8 years ago
I used to work in a prison. On our first day one of the inmates, a massive face-tattooed gang member, said something overtly sexual to one of the new ladies. Quick as lightening, she responded with "You know what I'm having for dinner tonight? KFC". The inmate was left speechless, with all his gang buddies laughing at him
Nikklaren 8 years ago
Me working in a factory at the time, with a bunch of homophobe guys, well somehow people found out I was bi, (through fb probably i dont know as I dont talk about it or anything when at work) when one of the guys goes "Bet you want me don't ya -insert really derrogatory name-" to which I responded "Nah your safe, I only go after good looking people." Didnt get any more s**t after that.
Alexies Ra 8 years ago
Don't you know you've got your Daddy's eyes, your Daddy was an alcoholic
Frozengeckolover 6 years ago
When I was 13, I went to my dad's house for weekend visitation. When he picked me and my brothers up, I told him I needed him to take me to the drug store and give me $10 dollars for some "personal" items. He knew what I meant, but he loudly complained all the way to the store about how we always wanted money from him (that was the first and only time I ever asked him for money). He wouldn't shut up about it. He said I should get a job. I said, "I'm thirteen. I can't get a job!" Just as we pull up at the store, he says, "When I was thirteen, I had a job picking peaches." I said, "Yeah? Well, they didn't have child labor laws back in the middle ages!" He told me that was mean, gave me $10 and told me to bring his change back. I got the item I needed, plus a soda and a candy bar. Then I put the change in the Make-a-Wish jar. He should have known better than to be a d**k to a teenage girl on her period!
Becky Lipson 8 years ago
my friend and i were at a thrift store and saw a pair of cute shoes that were really small. My friend's grandma was a very petite lady, and my friend said that the shoes looked like they might fit her. I said, "before or after they put her in the urn?"
Janice Peng 8 years ago
Girl: I spent twenty-seven dollars on makeup... Guy: No amount of makeup could fix that disaster.
Neil Hunkins 8 years ago
How does "10+" in the title result in 73 examples? Sounds like someone's overcompensating.
Kristin Berg 8 years ago
my grandma said "i wiped that butt many a time before!" me: "yeah well i've wiped it more than you have."
Imogen Duncan 8 years ago
This is a story about my Granddad when he was in the army in WWII - He was a sergeant and one morning his commanding officer ordered him to run some exercises with the men. His CO said "Do what you want with them." My Granddad called the men to attention then yelled out "DISMISSED". Apparently his CO was not impressed/
rubicat 8 years ago
As a woman "of size" (ahem), I often get unsolicited diet advice from well-meaning but clueless strangers. The biggest insult, however, is the question "are you pregnant?" or some variation thereof. Sometimes, I'll go for the quick and witty "no, but the night is young" response, which usually reminds them to keep in mind that it's rude as hell to ask a woman that. If the stranger (usually a sweet little grandmotherly type) puts hands on my stomach, I'll stare at them for a bit. I don't say anything, just stare. Then they'll ask about the due date, or the supposed baby, or *insert vapid comment here*. I'll shrug and say, "I'm not pregnant, but you can keep touching me. I like it." That usually creeps them out enough to go away. :)
Daniel Munro 8 years ago
I used to work in a prison. On our first day one of the inmates, a massive face-tattooed gang member, said something overtly sexual to one of the new ladies. Quick as lightening, she responded with "You know what I'm having for dinner tonight? KFC". The inmate was left speechless, with all his gang buddies laughing at him
Nikklaren 8 years ago
Me working in a factory at the time, with a bunch of homophobe guys, well somehow people found out I was bi, (through fb probably i dont know as I dont talk about it or anything when at work) when one of the guys goes "Bet you want me don't ya -insert really derrogatory name-" to which I responded "Nah your safe, I only go after good looking people." Didnt get any more s**t after that.
Alexies Ra 8 years ago
Don't you know you've got your Daddy's eyes, your Daddy was an alcoholic
Frozengeckolover 6 years ago
When I was 13, I went to my dad's house for weekend visitation. When he picked me and my brothers up, I told him I needed him to take me to the drug store and give me $10 dollars for some "personal" items. He knew what I meant, but he loudly complained all the way to the store about how we always wanted money from him (that was the first and only time I ever asked him for money). He wouldn't shut up about it. He said I should get a job. I said, "I'm thirteen. I can't get a job!" Just as we pull up at the store, he says, "When I was thirteen, I had a job picking peaches." I said, "Yeah? Well, they didn't have child labor laws back in the middle ages!" He told me that was mean, gave me $10 and told me to bring his change back. I got the item I needed, plus a soda and a candy bar. Then I put the change in the Make-a-Wish jar. He should have known better than to be a d**k to a teenage girl on her period!
Becky Lipson 8 years ago
my friend and i were at a thrift store and saw a pair of cute shoes that were really small. My friend's grandma was a very petite lady, and my friend said that the shoes looked like they might fit her. I said, "before or after they put her in the urn?"
Janice Peng 8 years ago
Girl: I spent twenty-seven dollars on makeup... Guy: No amount of makeup could fix that disaster.
Neil Hunkins 8 years ago
How does "10+" in the title result in 73 examples? Sounds like someone's overcompensating.
Kristin Berg 8 years ago
my grandma said "i wiped that butt many a time before!" me: "yeah well i've wiped it more than you have."
Imogen Duncan 8 years ago
This is a story about my Granddad when he was in the army in WWII - He was a sergeant and one morning his commanding officer ordered him to run some exercises with the men. His CO said "Do what you want with them." My Granddad called the men to attention then yelled out "DISMISSED". Apparently his CO was not impressed/
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