According to Alex Lickerman, M.D., who is the author of The Undefeated Mind: On the Science of Constructing an Indestructible Self, control over our lives is something we all want, but in a universe in which everything is mutually interdependent, none of us entirely have it over anything, including, much of the time, ourselves.
Rather, what we all have in abundance is influence: the closer personally and physically others are to us, the greater our influence over them, and vice versa. Curious about the extent of this, Reddit user Kaushman2 asked other people on the platform to share the most effective psychological tricks they've ever used. Here are some of the most popular answers.
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I always pay attention to what people do when they are trying to do something nice for someone else and do it back to them.
For example, one of my friends and one of my sisters are constantly sending people cards in the mail. For all sorts of occasions. Whenever these ladies are trying to do something nice, they do it via cards.
What I realized is that they, themselves, SUPER enjoy receiving cards and mail. That is why they think it's such a nice gesture and do it for other people.
I don't usually send anybody cards myself, but on occasion I will make a point to send those two ladies cards, and the payoff is always HUGE. They both get so excited and text me extensively about how much they loved their card. It's extremely cute.
Another example is my mom always goes out of her way to set the table in a fancy way for someone's birthday dinner. My mom loooooves fancy table settings, so to her that is a really great gesture that makes things feel very special. One year I was dropping off a birthday cake for her while she was out, and my husband and I stayed an extra 10 minutes to set the table for her too. We didn't do much beyond putting down a table cloth and matching plates with the cake sort of artfully placed in the center, but holy cow the payoff was HUGE. Apparently my mom was so touched when she came home and saw the table that she burst into tears.
This isn't a trick if you're thinking psychological manipulation. It's more if you are trying to think of the most impactful way to show someone your love, your best bet is to mirror that person's methods of being loving back to them. .
It's that whole thing of treat others how you want to be treated. If you notice that someone does a certain nice gesture often, mirroring that would mean so much to them
Giving a friend's child (10 yo) an illusion of choice to get them to do something you want them to do. So instead of saying "put your socks on", say "do you want these socks, or these ones". Or same for dinner. Not "Eat your dinner". Ask, "do you want peas or brocolli?" They feel ownership of their choice and some control in their life. Kids in general, have very little control over their lives and they need practice to make decisions.
"The False Choice" is a very useful skill of negociation. I use that a lot with frenetic patients in my emergency department. Oh and yeah for sure it works great with kids.
When my kids were younger if I thought they were lying, I would ask them to stick out their tongue. They thought I could tell from the colour of their tongue whether they were lying or not.
In reality, it was that they would hesitate before sticking out their tongue that told me if they were lying or not.
Tell your kids that chores will be done after your nap and they will let you hibernate through the winter without any distractions.
When upset callers would rant and start to curse and yell, I'd interrupt with "Wow, I am really sorry that you feel you have to talk to me this way in order for me to help you. You don't, but I understand. I'll let you talk and then I am going to help you. I am sorry I interrupted you; you were saying?
They would either apologize, chance their tone or hang up. I was fine with either one.
I worked at an insurance agency where a lot of customers were crabby or rude. I’ve rented in the area for a decade, so I’ve gotten familiar with all of the parks in town. I’d look at their address and say “Oh! You live right by Kingston Park. I walk my dog there all the time!” Their attitudes did a 180. They didn’t want to be jerks to somebody they might encounter in real life.
That one is really effective. People are rude cause they think you are a nobody. I also tend to call (respectfully) people by their first name and as a nurse it changes so many things !
One of my favorite tricks I use on myself is, when I can't sleep, I just curl into the most comfy position, close my eyes and pretend really hard that it's 6 am and I have to get up. I don't know why, but it makes me fall asleep real quick.
Telling people "thank you for letting me know" when they're critical or giving unsolicited advice. Totally throws them off.
Owning up to my mistakes with full, if not excessive, ownership. It tends to disarm the offended.
Yes. I say "I am so sorry I will try to not do that again. I take this as a learning experience. How can we move forward?"
When someone is yelling at you in public, I always remain calm and nonexpressive. Not giving them the reaction they want and escalating makes them feel/look goofy.
I choose to stay extra calm or very threatening, depending on the context. Once, I was being insulted by an extremely agressive stranger (because I refused to go have a coffee with him). I said 'insults coming from you sound like a compliment'. He was dumbfounded, and while he was looking for an answer I escaped. Another time, a stupid man decided to insult me because I was well dressed so he thought I was rich (and he said he hated white rich people), I saw he was all mouth and no trousers, he began threatening me and I answered 'yes, just come and fight' with all my rage (I'm a petite woman), he stepped back, startled, and left. You really need to read the room but remaining calm is the preferred option.
Toss a coin to reveal how you feel about a decision. if you wish it went the other way, do the other thing. if it's "oh, yeah, that's fine", stick with the coin.
Acctualy this one came in my minde -To avoid workplace drama and be well liked is to just compliment people behind their back.
My son is neurodivergent. If I just go up to him and tell him it's time to go, there's major pushback. If I tell him we're going in 5 minutes, he has a bit of time to prepare for a shift in focus and will happily follow me. This works with anything with him. I've told his teachers and they find out quickly that you've got to give him that heads up or it's a major pain in the a*s to get him switched.
Isnt' it the case for like all of the kid ? Mine are just regular kids and damn they need additionnal time for everything.
When getting a client's background (social services) and they bring up their kids, ask to see a photo or ask something that triggers a proud parent response. Accelerates the process of building trust.
If you want someone to like you, ask them for their opinion or help in something you know they are good at.
People like to feel important and needed, so you fill a need by asking, so they automatically view you positively. It also opens them up, even many shy people will open up if it is something they enjoy or are talented at. You meet some great people this way.
Bonus, you can see how they treat people while in a position of "authority", which will help you decide if you want to continue to build a relationship. .
Not sure how well it actually works, but one good one is saying thank you instead of sorry. Like ”thank you for waiting” instead of ”sorry for being late”. It draws attention away from the negative.
I have found this very useful and good for self esteem. It is a reminder that I am allowed to take up space in this world and am not inherently wrong for doing so. Ì don't have to apologize for being human.
I tell my husband when my teacup is full. This is how I imagine my ability to regulate my emotions and how likely I am to snap at someone. I'll say stuff like, "My teacup is almost full but I'll do my best." When I'm overwhelmed I can say my cup is full and he immediately understands what I mean and what that means for a while.
We use this with our daughter to some success, where she can at least identify when she's getting overwhelmed before it hits the peak. Then we move into how we can best empty our cup in a way that's not overwhelming, and doesn't make others feel bad. After all, screaming might empty our cups quickly, but we're just pouring that energy into someone else's cup.
The best part is that because I've used this pretty consistently, I have a better feel for how much emotional bandwidth I have at that moment and can be honest with friends and coworkers, "I really want to hear this story, but I don't have much room in my cup. Give me 5 minutes to take a quick break and when I come back I'm all ears." It's been great and I feel like my relationships have gotten better.
Seasickness cure Only works on others (won’t work on yourself or anyone you tell the “secret” to). Tell the person experiencing seasickness they need to eat an orange (or any other available random thing, oranges or other citrus works well for the explanation.). Explain that they cure sea sickness and that’s why pirates and all the other explorers used to seek them out and always made sure they had some on the ship. Now the psychology behind it is that nothing truly cures sea sickness but it is mostly caused from your mind being confused by not seeing the horizon correctly. Basically telling the person that an orange or whatever you recommend they eat / drink causes them to experience the placebo effect and their brain believes the problem just went away. Used this successfully 5 or 6 times with complete strangers and also on my wife. When we got back from our latest excursion my wife was the one to repeat it to someone else. Still works for her too.
I think scurvy had a little to do with sailors eating citrus fruits 🙄
Under promise and over deliver.
Always keep your promises. Never promise if you're not 100% sure of keeping it.
Asking "would you be opposed to doing X?" instead of "would you be willing to do X?".
At work, when I want a particular outcome from a boss, I don’t ask them if I can do a thing. I state that I’m doing a thing (and give a reasonable reason why), and then ask them to let me know if they have any objections.
I now get to do far more of what I want than before.
My "dad voice". It's amazing how hard it can jolt people. I think the funniest use though was playing volleyball. I'd just boom out "mine!" and the other team would all step away from the ball.
I have harnessed the power of positive reinforcement. Instead of focusing on what is wrong, I make a conscious effort to highlight and praise the positive behaviors or traits of others.
When someone does something you like, reward them. Much in the sense of “good boy” for a dog. So if they say something you like “I like how you said that!” Or “that’s a good question”. It’s really just positive reinforcement, but it works really well especially in the work place. For instance, “I really like the way you write that report” or “thank you so much for noticing that. I admire that you’re able to do that and it’s helpful”. People often forget to just compliment people and when you learn to give people meaningful compliments you’d be surprised how much easier life will go socially and professionally.
Another one I’ll say is, a few weeks into a new job, bring donuts or cookies or something. It’s a good gesture that will help get people to like you, especially if you got off on a wrong foot.
I think that wears off pretty quick. Also, it depends very much on who you work with. It may have benefits with some people but other people will exploit all the donuts 😩
Listening to happy music can actually make you happier. Those lyrics are affirmations. If you keep repeating lyrics that says you’re a piece of s**t or you’re not worthy you’ll end up believing it.
No you should listen to KoRN and then you will transfer all your self-hate onto the planet. x. Have a great day out there grumpy pandas.
When someone is raising their voice at you, lower yours in volume rather than raising yours to match.
Yep I do this all the time. Talk quieter. My ex used to complain and say it was so the room would go quiet and give me the centre of attention. My reaction: Yes, that's what it's meant to do.
I used this technique at University where I couldn't stand the thought of having to answer questions in front of a group of people. So if you find yourself in a group situation where someone (a leader, tutor, manager etc) is asking questions that must be answered and you want to avoid being picked so that you don't have to talk, then here is my tip. If the person locks eyes on you as they ask the question, then just as they are about get to the end of their question you break eye contact and look towards another person in the room and hold it. Their attention is diverted to that other person just as the question ends and the person they are now looking at feels compelled to answer. If however the person starts asking the question while looking at someone else then look at that other person and hold it so you can't get suckered. Use it sparingly because if you do it enough on the same person, they will be on to you.
Visualize the prize...whatever the goal is, I mentally run through the process and visualize the best case scenario outcome. Part of that is considering the worst case scenario, accepting the possibility, and continuing to visualize the best outcome.
"Are you Okay???!!" While undergoing a painful shoulder procedure on that already painful area, I was actively in a mental space of visualizing running through a meadow of wildflowers, full-speed on a warm summer day. "Yeah, I'm just running through a meadow in my head until this is done." The med tech was really worried that I had passed out on the table and had the doc stop the procedure, which was jarring and painful. Now I warn people.
It is like a very effective form of dissociation, I suppose. For good or bad, it works. Especially with breathing big.
Mirroring body language. This works super well when meeting someone for the first time, as it subconsciously puts the other person at ease.
But dont do it really obviously because that can come off creepy!
Using awkward silences to get what you want. Ask somebody for something. If they give you a reason not to give it to you say nothing. Stand there and more often than not they’ll give in and give it to you.
It works but beware, the person may hold a grudge against you for it. It feels manipulative (because it is).
The “5 min a day” trick for building a habit. Legitimately changed my life for the better in so many ways. Want to start a reading habit? Require yourself to open the book for 5 min every day. And before you know it you will be reading 30-1hr every day. The key is the bar has to be so low that it’s almost unreasonable NOT to complete it. It gives your brain the happy reward for completing your task even if it’s a tiny amount of time. And then it also creates a streak that becomes difficult to break. Most powerful psychological self help tool in existence as far as I can tell. Works on almost anything.
Works with sport and fitness also, everybody has 5 minutes everyday to do minimal stuff.
Ok don't tell anyone but... if you want someone to think of you often & possibly for a long time, make your "thing" something very common. For example I talked often about how my favorite thing ever was a dandelion.. and tbh they really actually are however I made a point to make it known & also knew it would make them think of me. How often do you drive by, walk by or see a Dandelion? Even in the winter time you see them, there are songs about them, paintings, all kinds of c**p. Or even butterflies... I realized this after an 8 year relationship. I used to collect and obsess (still kind of do) about butterflies. He 10 years later told me I ruined butterflies for him bc he thinks of me every time he sees one anywhere.
We have a man-splainer at work. He looooves to explain s**t.
So I ask him dumb questions all the time, so he can explain them to me.
Makes me laugh anyway.
Ask him one day, "I heard this word 'mansplaining' the other day on facebook, what does it mean?"
OARS is what we use as therapists to get people to talk who are otherwise hesitant.
O: opened ended questions
A: Affirming what they feel
R: Reflecting what’s been said
S: summarize what’s been said. This works when I’m trying to get my kids to open up to me as well!
At the office, I always spoke on the phone with a smile. My 'smiling tone' could then come across and bring folks to figure I was on their side. Offering favors built up good will when I needed a favor from them.
Seeming to agree with someone's irrational complaints about co-workers or management or the workplace without actually agreeing with them.
Expressions like "I hear ya!", "Seriously?!", and "Wow, that's unbelievable!" work really well. Especially if they've already got a reputation as the "office crank" and are generally disliked by everyone else.
Once they think I'm on "their side", they're more than happy to do the occasional favor for me like fast-tracking some approval process or whatever.
Then, as this person and I have more interaction at work, I slowly start dropping tactically-chosen factoids into conversations. These lead them back to a reality where they begin to see that what they complain about all the time -- isn't quite as bad as they think it is. Basically I provide them with an illusion that they are coming to these conclusions on their own and not being told to change their opinion.
If I do things right, within a few months people start engaging with them again. Within a year, they find they have workplace friends for the first time every and become a generally more pleasant person to be around.
When I get the feeling that someone doesn't like me, I ask them for a small favor, like borrowing a pen, to present myself as less of a threat to them by appearing dependent on them. It feeds into their self-image as being reliable and competent, and provides a surface for a casual acquaintance to form..
Why do we as a species need everyone to like us? I don't understand. I don't want to be friends with everyone.
I got myself to stop biting my nails by wearing a rubber band on my wrist and snapping it every time I caught myself doing it. After about 1-2 weeks I completely stopped and haven’t bit them in over 10 years. Could probably work for other minor bad habits.
Doesn't work for everyone. I tried this and ended up with welts on my wrists from snapping them too hard and often
If you struggle to get people to listen to you or take you seriously, lower the pitch of your voice and project more from the back of your mouth. Consider what you want to sat beforehand, and speak slower and more deliberate. It doesn't have to be batman, just your own voice, just a tad deeper than usual.
It gives your tone more gravitas and authority.
The goldilocks effect works wonders. Say you want to convince a person to do a certain task, but you know they're not going to do it unless persuaded. Try this. Offer them a total of 3 tasks. 1 being your task and the two others, slightly more complicated or mundane longer tasks. The trick here is not to be too obvious that the other two are duds. Start with dud task 1, and make it the more mundane dull one. Then your task, which sounds slightly better, then task 3 which is more complex and demanding of skill and ability. 9 times out of 10 they pick the task you want them to pick. And if not, you still got them doing something you needed done in the long run.
I do this with my kids. "Do you want to mow the lawn, wash the dishes, or do your homework?" lol.
“Out of sight, out of mind”, which is why I have several caches at work and at home of snacks I have hid from myself.
My sister kept staring at me, which she knew annoyed me (she would always look away before I could catch her doing it) so I faked a yawn. No noise, just the mouth movements. She let out a loud yawn moments later. Knew she was looking at me.
I look beyond at my future self, really loving my body...
I am distantly thinking how many regrets will I harbor, hours or even 2 hours later if I decide to skip my workout sessions instead of going to the gym.
I wonder whether my future me will wake up a happier person if now I put the dishes off till morning or even tomorrow. Doing the dishes in the morning, before work, or now, are options he may be willing to consider.
Do I have 3 months pop to study this project shall I be going easy at first three or 4 weeks to let myself be really spend the rest time working hard?
...essentially delayed gratification. In essence all the awful things lay out ready appetizing pieces that straight away gives you gratification while the good stuff till the moment of the climax offers you delayed gratification. Obesly, the truth is that when I find myself in such situations, I believe that waiting to reap the fruits could maybe be the best option after all.
Stare at a crying toddler in public until the toddler sees you, and they immediately stop crying most of the time.
When I played tennis competitively, before the match I used to ask my opponent if they inhaled or exhaled when they tossed the ball during serving.
As a front desk worker in a clinic, I handle the vast majority of patients and client interactions. The patient may have to inform about his or her medical background, or else the administration would not file your records. In the past I had uttered, “Take a look and make necessary changes!” They would put up a brick wall against that or just moan about it. Now when I say, it might sound, “Here are the instructions, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO is to make the changes.” Shouting it in this particular manner makes one think less of it and the respondents take the clipboard without a grunt. That was just a little.
Tell people they have a little something on their face, and then say sorry, I’d want someone to tell me. Builds trust(based on a lie so ethics are up to you) and makes it seem like you’re a real caring person.
Telling someone that they don’t look well or that they sound sick when they are clearly not is very effective for getting some less motivated guys to go home early sick call in the next day or to disprove the statement by working harder. Doesn’t work 100% of the time but I brag about getting a few supervisors to go home early “sick”.
While this does work, its pretty manipulative. There have been psychological studies where a random person is told by multiple people throughout the day that they look like c**p or look sick, the person ends up being sick. It can be used for good though, it also works if you get a bunch of people (works best when multiple people are involved) to tell someone that they look amazing, or variations of that. They will be more confident and feel much better about themselves.
When someone says something mean to you or is sarcastic to you, pretend you didn't hear them the first time and ask them to repeat it. They usually don't say it again, or just mumble something. You'd be surprised how many times this has worked for me.
Until you run into a prick like me, who will say the comment over and over until I at least get a pity laugh.
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This list just kinda makes me feel bad for all the positive stuff I could be doing but don't do on a regular basis. Y'all sound so healthy out here.
When someone says something mean to you or is sarcastic to you, pretend you didn't hear them the first time and ask them to repeat it. They usually don't say it again, or just mumble something. You'd be surprised how many times this has worked for me.
Until you run into a prick like me, who will say the comment over and over until I at least get a pity laugh.
Load More Replies... This list just kinda makes me feel bad for all the positive stuff I could be doing but don't do on a regular basis. Y'all sound so healthy out here.
