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Dating Is Not What It Used To Be And Here Are 40 Dark Truths
Interview With Expert
Many people spend their lives chasing a fairytale romance.
But if you ask around, modern dating feels more like a horror movie, full of scams, ghosting, heartbreak, and disappointments.
These Redditors opened up about the darkest truths they’ve learned while dating today and thankfully, they also shared some advice on what to avoid and look out for.
Feel free to add your own warnings or stories below—someone out there probably needs to hear it.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
Social media has ruined almost every aspect of dating in the modern world.
esoteric_enigma:
Social media has ruined almost every aspect of being social in the modern world.
No_Temporary2732:
I've realized this and withdrew from casual usage of social media for this reason
Women are fed toxic echo chamber content. So are men. Both are being pitted against each other, to divert us from the real evils of the world and us uniting against them.
Me, a lifelong feminist, was starting to find myself getting annoyed at women setting standards and getting swayed into the gold digger bs.
Thankfully, i could sense it and nipped it at the bud by curbing social media usage. It was blurring the lines between women having basic standards for a partner and women having toxic standards such as "A man has to do everything, you existing is trophy enough for him". Both exist, and the latter is in a minority but is far more vocal online.
Breadcrumb. 5 months ago
It's late stage capitalism. Trad wives and red pills, it's a patriarchal world that benefits from the objectifying of women.
RELATED:
#2
There are bots created by the apps/websites to stop you from leaving if you're not getting matches.
LambonaHam:
I paid for Bumble+ before because I had half a dozen people swiping right on me, but wasn't getting any matches.
After paying, they disappeared. When the payment expired, they returned.
Evil at its finest.
Norwood5006:
Those dating apps don't exist to make you un-single, it's in their best interest to keep you single and that's why they're billion dollar industries, many of those dating apps are owned by the same company, who also owns OF.
#3
People don't care enough about protection and it's scary as hell. Please wear condoms.
esoteric_enigma:
It's insane how many women I have to tell to stop so I can go get a condom. Like we just met on Hinge and have been on two dates...and you're ready to have unprotected s*x our very first time?
My d**k isn't that special and I'm not the first person you've met on a dating app. That definitely means you're having hella unprotected s*x out here.
#4
You can mistake a genuine connection with someone and really it was just someone with really good social skills.
Semyonov:
Ugh just had this happen. Not on a dating app even but just hanging out with them. It's so easy to completely misinterpret so many things when they are really friendly and invite you to a bunch of things one-on-one.
I admitted my feelings towards her and she said she sees me as a friend, and she just started dating another of my friends actually (found out two days ago from her).
Oh well, it happens, it's never bad to have a good friend. I just misinterpreted a lot of things when she's just super super friendly.
Heliosvector:
I had a guy invite me to his house, solo, for dinner. Pretty sure he was maybe gay? Nope! just wanted to play video games with me, show me his rig, and order KFC with me. I would expect that from my nerd friends, but not this construction worker bodybuilder. Then he kept complaining about the heat and wouldn't put a shirt on.
#5
People are very shallow and act like they deserve perfect while demanding others accept them just the way they are.
My husband and I met in college and we've always worked because we know that neither of us is perfect, but we're perfect for each other.
BullMoose1904:
Academic/semantic point: I would say decent people with realistic expectations tend to partner up and get out of the dating pool relatively quickly and stay out. The people like the ones you're talking about stay single for a long time and are over-represented in the dating pool, especially on the apps. Interestingly, the same thing happens with a bunch of other seemingly unrelated things like job searches and welfare programs; a sort of perverse survivor bias.
But, like I say, semantics. The practical impact is exactly what you said.
Michael Largey 5 months ago
In addition, some people are in the dating pool not because they've never been married but because they've been married and their personality caused the marriage to fail.
#6
People put too much emphasis on trying to be who they think will attract people and not enough on who they truly are.
ArchaicBrainWorms:
I was a weird kid who grew into a strange young man, eventually reaching the rank colorful character.
Being authentic and receiving social rejection sucks. Maintaining a facade and running every interaction through a filter and receiving social rejection is worse.
Mesmerotic31:
This is blindingly true after being married for years. It's a good exercise in figuring out if you're actively trying to be the person you want to be/live the way you want to live when you stop and consider re-entering the dating pool (intrusive thoughts when I panic at the thought of losing my husband in a freak accident). You ask yourself how much of a catch you would be if you perfectly represented yourself to potential dates, showed them what life would look like with you years down the road. Like, if someone saw the spouse/parent I turned out to be, would they actually want to be with me at all? It's always a good kick in the a*s to just try harder, be awesome-er, show up for your spouse and kids right now the way you always envisioned you would show up before being in the thick of it.
Lost Panda 5 months ago
Be who you are, that is the best thing. It doesn't matter what someone else thinks of you, but what you think of yourself. Now leave me alone, I'm going to go play with my Gundam models
#7
You can be happy single. You don't *need* a partner as some say you do.
KatSaidWhat 5 months ago
I am very happy single. And child free. I like having the occasional date but rarely date because there is the expectation of s*x at some point. I'm currently asexual because I just find it all a bother (although have had some AMAZING s*x).
#8
If they ghost you, walk away. Be wary of them sliding back into your DM's in the future. Pay attention to inconsistent communication or things like "I lost my charger/my phone died", "I forgot to call/text!", "just been really busy".....but its all the time. Pay attention to "breadcrumbing"
Many people are emotionally unavailable and are pursuing Stimulation and validation, not connection.
Hookup culture can blur boundaries. Decide if you're cool with a situationship.
schlubadubdub:
On the flip side, people don't have to reply immediately to texts/calls as it's fine to disconnect/have a life/work/be doing other things. Everyone has their own standard for what is a "reasonable" time to reply. It can be particularly difficult for people with things like ADHD, and doesn't automatically mean they're disinterested, emotionally unavailable, or stringing someone along. It can though lol.
Ode 5 months ago
Yeah, not replying asap early on in the dating is just explained by that you are not yet a person of importance in the other person's life before they have met you and spent time with you. I would rather look out for consistency, whether they do come back to you and whether their investment in the relationship increases in pace with getting to know each other. Because breadcrumbing is definitely a thing that happens. Can be a very good feeling too, to finally decide that you are worth more than crumbs
#9
People are so focused on ticking off boxes that they never give their potential soul mate a chance.
When we met in person more, we could be surprised by someone we aren’t traditionally attracted to.
Charisma and personality are hard to see on an app. So we swipe left on the short men or slightly overweight women. If we met them in person and experienced a person in their entirety before we decided we didn’t like them, maybe we’d be surprised at who we actually like.
livinglitch:
In line with online vs offline - You may not have a spark when messaging someone over the app but you may have a spark sitting down and talking to someone in person.
I have had relationships where we dont text or talk online at all but we talk constantly in person.
#10
Online dating is a perfect environment for people who are bad at long term relationships and it only gets worse the older you get.
Leybrook:
Yeah, and it doesn't help that most apps are owned by the same shitty company that prioritize user engagement over outcomes. They're all designed to be addictive and ineffective for those wanting to find partners. The worst part is that there used to be good sites and communities, but they all got bought out, after which they got either Tinderified or deleted. Enshitification of dating.
#11
People have now become disposable. You could be falling in love with somebody and accidentally say the wrong d**n thing, or wear a T-shirt they don’t like or have a bad day or disagree on some minor detail like whether or not Taylor Swift sucks and suddenly you’re completely cut off. Their contacts changed their socials have locked you out and you can’t reach them. You have to be prepared for heartache because everyone is quickly replaceable Nobody has bothered practicing making up or compromising or trying to see another person’s perspective. We all want perfect from the get go and don’t wanna do the work to build something phenomenal.
OutofSyncWithReality:
This is exactly how I feel. With dating apps you've got hundreds of potential partners at your fingertips. No one makes an effort anymore they just wait for Mr/Mrs perfect to fall in their lap and ghosts anyone who drops the ball for even a second. It's brutal sometimes.
#12
Narcissists love dating apps. It’s free attention and validation.
The good ones know how to hide it really well. Be wary of anyone who seems too good to be true.
Frag0r:
Be wary of anyone who always agrees with you and barely states an opinion whatsoever without you stating it first.
It's a manipulation tactic to mirror your opinion, likings, behavior and phrases. Eventually you will let your guard down and that enables the narc even more.
Watch if words match actions and spectate the body language. The body can't lie.
Also, if someone often ends a statement with a high tone, sounding like a question, it could mean they are lying.
If you see these things happening and you have a bad gut feeling, just disengage. It's no joke. This person is not healthy and will hurt you for the Lulz.
#13
Everyone is just out to get theirs.
ChevalierMal_Fet:
So, last year I got divorced. I was really hurt by the end of the marriage, which involved infidelity from her everything was just shitty.
I was single for a while, and went on a few first dates that went nowhere, and I felt like I was going to be alone forever.
Then, through Facebook dating of all things, I got a like from a nice woman who had an interest similar to mine. We got to talking, and things just progressed from there.
It’s a long distance thing, but we are able to make trips to see each other every couple of weeks, so it’s not too bad.
But, the wonderful thing is just how nice it is to be excited about a person who is excited about me- she remembers those small details about what I like and dislike, and she compliments and says nice things to me, and when we’re together I feel like I’m the luckiest person alive.
And, the most wonderful thing is that I’m completely and totally free to just love her wholeheartedly. I can send all the cheesy and sweet texts, and random pictures, and whatever else. When we visit each other, we can cuddle and hug and hold hands and do things with each other. We’re able to just be happy.
There are others out there! It was hard holding on to that part of myself that wasn’t a cynical j*****s, but I was determined to not let the modern dating situation change the parts of myself that I liked, the parts of myself that were able to just love somebody.
Even if you get hurt by somebody, you just have to keep on loving.
Ode 5 months ago
This reminds me of the poem "Sing like no one is listening, Dance like nobody’s watching, Love like you’ve never been hurt, and live like it’s heaven on earth." Not a standard I can live by but a good reminder to steal moments where I allow myself to be relieved of the baggage of the past and others' judgments
#14
Get your HPV shot.
New_Wolf_8346:
Please get the shot! I dealt with pre-cervical cancer for many years due to high risk HPV. So many abnormal pap smears, so many procedures to get rid of the bad cells. Most people acquire a strain of HPV in their lifetimes but a lot go away on their own. But, don't take the risk. I eventually had a total hysterectomy, one reason being my history of pre-cervical cancer.
MintChucclatechip:
Learned in my health psychology class that 80% of s*xually active adults will get HPV in their lifetime, and there’s many strains of it, some are cancer causing.
KatSaidWhat 5 months ago
Yeahhhh... had to inform an ex that I had HPV - "why are you telling me this" "because you need to tell your gf". That was a fun call. Although I did snigger a teensy bit as she was his Bf and then his GF about 3 nanoseconds after we broke up.
#15
If they never ask questions about you and only talk about themselves.
If it feels more like an exit interview than a conversation,
If they seem superficial -- guess what. They are.
If they laugh at everything you say and keep saying "You're funny....".
ADHD-Fens:
It is definitely possible to have a back and forth without questions, though. You say something about yourself, I relate something from my experiences to yours, you bring up an opinion you have about the topic, I express surprise that someone else was thinking the same thing as me.
Questions are part of a good conversation, obviously, but I have had conversations where someone asks me a question, I share an interesting answer, and then they just ask another question - sometimes changing the topic altogether. It's kind of exhausting, and it makes it seem like they don't actually care about the things they're asking.
Another thing is that some people don't like the interview style of getting to know someone. I prefer to learn about people through shared experiences, at least initially. It's a much more natural way to get to the core of who someone is - and more effective, too, in my experience. Obviously questions are needed for very basic stuff (do you want to go... do you like... etc.) but that's like 10% of it for me.
#16
Dating apps that have a subscription or any monetary aspect would lose you as a customer if your dating experience was successful.
Personal-Sandwich-44:
Yeah, I paid for a month on Hinge, and it didn't end up seeming worth it for me, so I cancelled, but that presumably marked me as someone willing to pay, so a prime dating app customer.
Ended up meeting my now partner of a year+ on that same app, so cancelled my account and all that.
Obviously that by itself would be a net negative for them, but numerous friends have asked how we've met, and it's pretty good marketing, so in the end a net positive.
#17
Cheating is incredibly common, it’s much easier to do and hide with phones.
Alph1:
Disagree. It might have been easier back in the day. No instant communication means you could easily be away from your partner for at least a day. Need to talk to your cheat partner? Payphones are untraceable and were everywhere.
Power puff scientist 5 months ago
its so easy to match with someone on an app and sneakily talk with them during the day, its definitely easier to cheat nowadays, just harder to not get caught because most people are dumbasses that keep the evidence on their phones.
#18
Watch out for anyone that just has a gimme mindset and thinks they’re the prize. Men, women, nonbinary, doesn’t matter. Dating should be about creating a good experience/relationship together, not one side thinks the other owes them something for their time (whether that’s material things, sexual things, or otherwise). I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with wanting any of those things, it’s the attitude I’m talking about.
#19
69m. I met my wife in a chat in 97, and have been off and on social media since it started. I read some of the stories of young men and women in their 20s, and it’s hard to believe the s**t some people expect others to put up with. MOST of it is from what they see on social media. So many people getting s**t on think it’s normal, because the person doing the s******g learned it online. It’s f*****g not normal.,.
Touhou Youyoumu 5 months ago (edited)
I'm 42 been with my partner 18 years. My best friend, bless him hasn't had quite same luck. He has been on dating apps and he told me a few first hand horror stories at worst. Insane expectations at best. Joked to him if my partner died I would be dying alone in this dating climate.
#20
If you’re a woman who dates men, pretty much don’t expect equal partnership to be offered you by most men. If you’re ok with that, then great. If you’re not ok with that and looking for equal partnership, that means you’re pickier than average. However, I think it’s worth waiting til you find someone who in practice shakes out to be a partner who actually does approximately half of the work in the relationship (housework, emotional labor, childcare, etc), based on my experience. Don’t just settle (also from experience).
WhatEvenIsLife 5 months ago
Learned that lesson HARD with an ex. I was working and going to school, and he still expected me to do 100% of the cooking, cleaning, caring for my stepdaughter, errand running, and managing our finances, and would throw a fit if I asked him to help with the smallest thing. I have zero respect for any man who thinks cleaning, cooking, and childcare are the woman's responsibility, whether they blatantly say so or just act on that unspoken expectation. It's your house too; they're your kids too. I don't get into relationships to become someone's surrogate mommy. Especially with most households having two working adults/parents these days, the "domestic" burden should not fall solely on one of them. And learn to communicate. Tantrums from a grown man are the opposite of s**y.
#21
If they tell you you have to pay to unlock their crypto account, it’s a scam.
just_a_bit_gay_:
Seriously, my sister got into a relationship with a crypto bro and I’ve been trying to tell her that it’s all BS but they keep p**sing away their money because “his buddy knows a lot, it’ll rally just gotta wait a little longer”. It’s sad to watch but there’s not much more I can do.
General Anaesthesia 5 months ago
Nigerian princes have gone crypto. Like PT Barnum said, "there's a sucker born every minute".
#22
You have to make sure before you invite them over that they aren’t homeless
Years ago I meet a woman who lived one state over, we talked, she seemed completely normal, if a bit of a free spirit. I had to go to her city for work so we meet and had dinner. There seemed to be chemistry so the next weekend I drove up to stay with her
Got to her house and her room (she was renting a room from a friend or so she said) was completely empty except a big hiking style backpack, her laptop, and a bed roll (she said she had a bad back)
We did all sorts of fun things around town, but in retrospect, they were all cheap or no-cost things that she was suggesting. She did get me into a low budget zombie film her friend was shooting, and I got an IMDb credit for that.
The next weekend she wanted to come stay with me, but she didn’t have a car So I rode up to pick her up, and she hops in my truck with her backpack and laptop and bed roll. I didn’t think too much about it but after the weekend was over (which was bananas weird) she’s said ‘You’re my boyfriend, I love you and It’s us against the world’. I was like whoa, slow down, and I realize she was not planning on going back. She did a 180 on me and I was the biggest a*****e in the world. It was a tense 24 hours till I could get her friend to come pick her up
After she left I did a quick inventory and she drank 6 bottles of liquor, stole all my family heirloom silver dollars and my 8x13 Pyrex baking dish.
#23
A lot of single people can’t afford housing on a single income. It often takes two incomes combined to even qualify for a one bedroom rental at today’s prices. Even earners with six figure incomes may not earn enough in HCOL cities to qualify.
This extremely high cost of housing is felt in dating as there is a lot of pressure on couples to form and split rent. It’s accelerating courtship timelines. It’s also making it very obvious to young women that many single men are effectively homeless, living out of Airbnbs or on couches when they have to but preferring to live with hospitable girlfriends.
mountainvalkyrie:
It's extremely common. Lots of people (I only have experience with men, but probably women, too) will try to move in with you the first week or so after meeting, usually with a sad story about where they're currently living. Even if it goes well at first, if things stop going well, you can end up feeling stuck.
#24
Everyone seems to know how awful online dating is, but they still seem to do it.
Oh, and for the fellas, I guarantee your confidence will rise significantly if you delete the apps for about a month.
Anothernamelesacount:
My confidence didnt rise, but I do realize that my mental health would have taken another shot had I kept engaging on dating apps.
It was so ridiculous. I remember having a younger guy tell me to "pretend to be bisexual, so girls will think you're sensitive and you're not just looking for s*x".
#25
Get over your a*******n to online dating. It takes a while to not want to download it again. But its is useless these days. Think about every time you downloaded it? Why’d you do it? Bored? Lonely? Avoiding yourself? That is everyone else on there (at least the majority you have to sift through). It gives the illusion of endless choices so we think people are disposable and never give a chance to truly value others for their complexities. Get over this convenience. Please. Say hi to more people in public. Make authentic connections. Be friends first. Prioritize making friends and relationships in the real world.
WhatEvenIsLife 5 months ago
As a woman, meeting someone online first felt way safer and gave me much more control over the situation. Being approached in public by a strange guy can be nerve-wracking because you don't know if it's suddenly going to turn weird or even dangerous. I've had so many interactions with men in public get super uncomfortable because they can't take a hint or "no thank you," or even "I appreciate it, but I'm married." "Well, do you cheat?" is something I've been asked more than once. By total strangers. I've also had men get irritated when I politely turned them down, even had one guy follow me off the bus to my office. Being able to chat a bit first, establish boundaries and expectations, and arrange to meet in a public place first worked out way better. People who lecture others about "meeting people in the real world" I'm guessing have never been desperate to get out of an interaction they never asked for.
#26
If you're on a dating dry spell for days to weeks to months and suddenly a single individual wants to meet up with you and you wind up not being able to weird them out....
This is a federal agent investigating someone in your circle of friends and they will disappear once the investigation is complete.
#27
I was doing online dating for a while and was having some success but an anonymous person posted me on an “are we dating the same guy” social media page and my ex, her friends, and other anons took the liberty of spreading untrue and hateful things about me that were likely seen by some 85k women on the page in my city. it ruined my chance at online dating, my psyche and self confidence, and gives me anxiety towards talking to people who might have seen it. Moral of the story: online dating is a liability, but it’s nice when it works out.
#28
As you age past 40, your dating pool doesn’t just shrink, it fragments. If you date in your age group, many of the people you might find yourself attracted to are already in long-term relationships or married, or they're navigating complex life circumstances like divorce or care-taking, or they're not even particularly interested in dating in the first place. If you’re heterosexual, this shift is often even more pronounced: women tend to outnumber men demographically as age increases, and though it's long been a pattern for men to seek younger partners later in life, the pattern is exacerbated by the significant decrease in the numbers of potential partners as they age.
Speaking of, by the time you hit 50, especially if you're in a non-metro area, the dating pool narrows *dramatically*. Fewer people are actively seeking new relationships and fewer still are likely to be aligned with your preferences in lifestyle, values and personality. That’s without factoring in practical hurdles: there are way fewer social events for people in this age group, there's less physical mobility so common social events like dances or sports are options less often, and many people are less tech-savvy, so they struggle to navigate dating apps, which still, unfortunately, dominate the modern dating landscape.
And that's all just at the starting line. Now add in any niche interests like cultural, intellectual, political, sexual or spiritual preferences, and you're taking an already tiny pool and filtering nearly everyone out of it. Prefer dating someone child-free? Progressive? Active? Emotionally literate? Asian? Short? Open to nontraditional relationship structures? Each layer of preference cuts the available options by half, often more.
And that's if you're lucky enough to live in a high population metropolitan area. If you're in a rural or smaller-town setting, your options just dried up to nearly zero - a 100-mile radius might yield no viable matches at all, especially if public transportation or flexible schedules aren’t on your side.
And this doesn't even begin to touch on YOU as a dating option - income, physical appearance, personality, etc - your dating pool is ridiculously tiny to start, and finding someone who not only matches what you're looking for but likes what they see in you? Nearly impossible.
In short, dating past 50 becomes less about choosing your favorite out of multiple options and more about learning to accept a lot of tradeoffs: being willing to travel farther, being willing to accept slightly different values or politics, being willing to accept a smoker when you don't like smoking. You might get lucky and meet someone who really does match you in most ways, but for most people, you're going to need extreme patience, a wide-open mind, relocation, or a big time shift in expectations...and probably a little of all four.
Or lots of money, lol.
Samantha H 5 months ago
How true is this, online dating is hard work but I have met some interesting Men that I never would have otherwise.
#29
Unfortunately, it's really hard for 30+ year old women to find a partner and it really sucks that they need to race against the clock to both pay the bills and to find a partner who isn't a massive d****e.
A lot of my classmates from high school spent their 20s traveling, building their careers, and enjoying themselves. As they should. But then they turned 30 and suddenly had trouble finding a relationship unless they were willing to get married super fast. One friend got dumped because she wouldn't agree to marry a guy when he proposed. They'd only been together for 6 months.
#30
If you're an honest, loyal, and emotionally intelligent person, you won’t fit into hookup culture. These days, people don’t build relationships on shared values or dreams anymore. It’s about chasing fantasies, not foundations. They choose what’s easy, not what’s real. If you're not careful, you'll confuse a *connection* with *compatibility*. Watch for consistencies. Pay attention when words don’t align with actions. That’s where the truth lives.
#31
1) It’s risky. You know almost nothing about the other person’s past and they can paint any picture they want. It’s easy to be “normal” for a few dates, but the crazy often comes out shortly after.
2) people are promiscuous and not being cautious with their health and disease.
3) people have learned to treat each other as disposable. Online dating is like dating in bulk. The other person, and probably you too, are talking to about 5+ other people at the same time. It is so easy to find the next better looking and more successful person. So much so that nobody gives a s**t about the other person. Hence all the ghosting.
Apatheist Account2 5 months ago
The only difference between this and meeting a person in a bar is that you can see what they really look like. The rest of it still holds true.
#32
If they seem uninterested or dry, don't bother. You don't want to be in a one sided relationship where your always fighting for their attention.
Hanta3:
TBH that's been the vast majority of women I've matched with. When I talk about it with my friends who are women, they also show me that their conversations are similar, but the difference is the men they talk to seem relentlessly h*rny in comparison to myself. Works out for them, but speaking so forwardly feels really unnatural and disingenuous to me, idk.
#33
The vast majority of today’s daters think that having casual s*x does not conflict with dating for the purpose of building a long term relationship. Because nothing says you are into someone like having s*x with someone else.
WhatEvenIsLife 5 months ago
This is where good communication comes in (which a LOT of people are spectacularly bad at). Unless you talk about it and both agree you're going to be exclusive, you're not likely to be on the same page. This used to be one of my biggest pet peeves when dating. So many guys would be super evasive about whether they wanted a relationship or just s*x. I appreciate blunt honesty way more than I appreciate being strung along.
#34
The amount of rampant cheating, simply because of the availability to swipe as soon as they get bored or annoyed with something most folks would communicate in healthy ways, because the grass is always greener. AND YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW THEY ARE DOING IT until they drop the ball or break up with you randomly.
Dating apps etc are also perfect environments for people who are super s****y at long term commitments and relationships to continue being super s****y at long term, or really any relationships.
Please remember, how you get them is how you lose ‘em folks.
Richard_Thickens:
"How you get 'em is how you lose 'em," might be one of the most insightful things I've ever heard, and this is my first time hearing it. Woah.
That just applies super well to the respective initiations and terminations of so many of my relationships, it's difficult to count. It fits in well with my (rather jaded) observation that they weren't mine to begin with, and they certainly aren't mine now.
Thank you for that. Unfortunately, you don't always know exactly how you get them, but that's how things go, I guess.
#35
People don’t really give a f**k. They care to the extent of getting what they want with false future promises. Just to discard you and start all over again.
Much-Statistician-50:
Who hurt you?
Silent-Option311 (OP):
I’ve had 3 exes and I’m always a doormat.
#36
Everyone is very narcissistic these days...
#37
There aren’t a lot of places where it’s okay or normal to meet people in person. Dating apps led to an overwhelming amount of positive feedback, with at least the implication of consent that you can’t always get easily before you approach people irl. And as a result, people started going out less to find people, and more with pre-arranged plans with people they’d met.
Add to this, people are now hyper-aware that it’s dangerous to meet a complete strangers especially for women. Which isn’t to say that all strange men, or strange people are dangerous, but mass media makes it easy to hear the horror stories of people who met the worst examples, and with stakes that high it’s hard to feel trusting to anyone you don’t know in some way. So even if you went out specifically to find someone, it’s hard both to approach someone and to be open to someone approaching you, without being wary that they might have darker motives than a hookup or a relationship.
Edgar Rops 5 months ago
This. Particularly the first part. I am not that old, an older millennial, all people I know were high school sweethearts, met in college, through a common hobby, like myself, but mostly met at work. Now, there are often policies against dating coworkers, even in their absence everyone is concerned about power imbalance; majority hobby is videogames, or otherwise online which leaves gym and pub. Not the best options...
#38
Instant gratification not only is ruining our lives through social media and mere entitlement but also you can’t expect to meet the love of your life at once. great and healthy relationships take time, effort and patience! this is not excusing toxic or a*****e behavior but i’ve noticed that people will cut others off at the SLIGHTEST disagreement. it’s sad. i get it, put yourself first but also take some accountability.
Michael Largey 5 months ago
Then there is delayed gratification, like that first sentence finally ending.
#39
There's people on dating apps who are on it blatantly for paid s*x, but there are also people who will try to use you in much more hidden ways. Whether it's getting you to buy them dinner, gifts etc, there's also people who will pretend to be interested because they want you to follow them on social media, buy their content on onlyfans or will start asking you to make content with them for social media or onlyfans. Basically using you to make a profit in some other way. Or using you by basically being their trip buddy that takes photos for their social media page etc. As soon as you decline to do this or call them out for it they ghost.
S*x and social life has become so commodified.
#40
Most people just want attention and validation to stroke their ego. They do not actually love or care about you. You are replaceable and those sweet messages that make you feel extra special are being sent to a whole roster of other girls.
#41
A lot of people treat dating like shopping — if you're not perfect, they’re already looking for the next option.
Michael Largey 5 months ago
Would a "perfect" person (however you define that) be on dating apps?
#42
I feel there's just so much nitpicking on the tiniest things. I went to one last month and thought our conversation and chemistry was so phenomenal. I havent felt like that in a while and even felt comfortable with her THINKING we had the same type of humor.
Then it all changed after when I felt 'too' comfortable. In the beginning she said she lived in Brooklyn but later in our conversation, she said she's actually from Queens. I totally get that for safety reasons and said I understood because in another conversation, I told her that I dont have an Instagram but I actually do and kept that from her because I had a stalker. Through text, I eventually told her later on that I actually do have an instagram and I wasnt sure how she took it but her reply was, 'oh so you lied huh?' and I said back jokingly, "lol yeah says the girl who said she's from Brooklyn".
Asking her out again, she straight up told me, "Don't think we go forward from here. Just felt you were mocking my safety after that conversation."
I can totally get that I might have felt too comfortable and not intend to make her feel that way but I thought our beginning conversation overpowered that fumble so much more and that we could have communicated better. And the fact it's through text so I couldnt tell if she was that serious.
#43
Beware the paradox of choice.
As we have so many options now, you risk throwing away a good thing because they aren't as pretty as the other girl your speaking to or not as funny as the other guy.
When you date a person and there seems to be a connection, pause or delete the apps and put your effort into that one person, see how it goes for a few months.
Trust me, because of dating apps and the huge amount of potential options just a swipe away, it is hard not to look for perfection but perfection doesn't exist so stop swiping, focus on this person for now, stop looking for perfection.
This huge amout of choice can really cloud your judgement and could potentially ruin a perfectly good budding relationship all because you think "what if...".
#44
Coming from personal experience, I think it would be lovebombing in the initial stage of the dating process, which makes you believe that the other person is genuinely interested in getting into a relationship with you. Not long after you would see the complete opposite of what the person portrayed in the beginning and then you will be left with absolute disbelief, and would doubt your intuitions at every alerting point. This would eventually snowball into you developing a codepency on the other person while they start to actually show their dismissive and avoidant side. Scary but real.
#45
Be bold, or live with regrets.
Michael Largey 5 months ago
If you decide to be bold, inevitably you will end up with regrets of some kind. That's a risk of boldness.
#46
Unprecedented social and geographic mobility have rendered lifelong marriage a non-starter for most. Most people just can’t perform consistently enough in today’s economy to ensure they’ll be the most secure option their partner has over any significant period of time.
I wish I were just speaking from bitterness, but it’s plain to see unless you’re in an upper-middle class+ bubble. This seems especially apparent if you count zombie relationships that drag on well past any point they ought to because of the cost of living.
#47
You are worthy more than apps suggest that you do. And for a very dark reason.
If a man is hot enough to get matched with a lot of women daily, why would he care about hurting the feelings of a girl in a date when he can simply arrange a date with another one for the next day or week?
The opposite also applies. Researchwrs who have actually analyzed data from such apps have seen men seem to be getting significantly fewer matches than women. Thus even a slightly above average girl in looks is likely getting many matches daily.
When people are getting more dating opportunities that they could physically find time to actually date for - something like matching with 15-30+ people per week - there is no need to have empathy for dating partners or to treat them as human beings worthy of empathy. At the slightiest problem - a miscalculated joke, a slight delay in date - it is easier to dump them and go date the next person than to develop interpersonal conflict skills. And people take this easier route.
Don't get fooled by online dating apps showing a very distorted data picture of you as someone that people don't want dating.
#48
No one shows their true selves anymore. I feel like no one on the internet is completely honest about their true personality. We all try to look like the celebrities people admire or want to show the world a perfect version of ourselves that doesn't exist. In dating, we spend so much time trying to be someone we're not, and that's why relationships don't work anymore. Another aspect is that most people these days are just looking for a one-night stand or just to have fun.
#49
Dating apps should be avoided at all costs:
• they’re far too competitive it’s like competing against dozens of different guys for one girl.
• You’ll most likely be treated as an option.
• Dating app algorithms are engineered so that you never delete the app.
• Most people who do seek companionship through those apps are seeking the top 10% of people like 95% of people will swipe right/left on you without even reading your bio.
Etc.
#50
The Internet lies, and so does everyone on their dating profiles. There are predators out there that follow the rhetoric of Andrew Tate - go after seemingly low status individuals and pressure them into making p**n. Allowing strangers to have influence over you is insane. You don't know someone even after 10 years together, let alone getting married after 2 or 3 years together... Everyone should do a background check on potential, serious partners.
#51
I'm 56 years old and have been married for 4 years to a woman I love who loves me. I know a guy in his late 40s who has a different date every weekend. "It's a numbers game" he says. No. It's not. He will be alone for the rest of his life. Drop your defenses. Unwrap your soul and let it fall on the ground in front of everyone. Someone will pick it up and point to where their own soul lies unattended. "Be not cynical about love, for it is as perennial as the grass.".
#52
I think dating apps have made people more reclusive, less trusting and less loyal.
#53
There are just as many women players out there as there are men. I've been ghosted more than a few times after a new romance that I thought was going well. Come to find out, I was the side-guy and hubby or BF was out of town that week.
#54
In my mid 40’s. GF is late 30’s. This one is working out. Respect each other. Respect that you’re bringing baggage. Give each other personal space and agree on that up front. S*x is amazing after that but don’t relate just based on that. Learn from your mistakes. Now that I’m almost 44 I see younger chicks are really attracted to me. Be able to hold a conversation and don’t hide your s**t it’s gonna come out. Thought I’d bring some lighter truths up. 😉.
#55
People lacking common curtsey and have no respect for other people just because it's over a screen.
#56
If you're an average woman looking for a LTR, beware that all those good looking guys that you match with are actually out of your league and they most likely just want to use you for hooking up.
If you're an average guy, beware that those few good looking girls that you match with are probably scammers. .
Power puff scientist 5 months ago
this is definitely good advise to consider, should be higher.
#57
The p*rnification of literally everything. It has created unrealistic expectations. It's so easy to access it all that it's just easier then having to work at someone else's pleasure. It's slowly becoming to much effort to actually get to know someone and create lasting relationships.
#59
If you’re not prepared for war - stay home.
#60
If you have any sort of feelings and hope that it'll turn into something more, you're only going to hurt yourself by staying in a situationship/"friends with benefits" scenario with someone!
I had a situationship a few years ago that was so emotionally difficult--like I remember being upset and asking him "how do you not want to lock this down? we get along so great, can talk for hours, we have insane chemistry... I just don't understand how that's not something you want to hold onto." It was so stressful and draining. My life became so much easier when I cut ties with him for good.
I have a FWB now and it's been going for several months. For different reasons, neither of us can see a future with the other person (for me, it's because he's a bit older than me and I've always envisioned having kids with someone my own age).
So now it's like "hey I'm gonna be free Thursday, wanna come over and watch horror movies and have s*x?" and it's an easy "yes." And there's nothing else to it. No nights spent crying wishing it was more. It truly is a unicorn scenario--I started dating at 18 and this started when I was 28.
#61
If you look like prey, predators will try. I'm a man. I look like prey. I'm not. A*****e women are common.
#62
If you're a man who dates women, her friends will likely know everything, even things you tell her to keep between the two of you. No matter how intimate, how private, how important it is that she keep whatever thing you told her to herself, she will tell at least one person and justify it to herself as simply getting advice and feedback from a trusted friend.
You shouldn't ever expect anything you tell her to remain between the two of you. It's depressing, and honestly childish behavior on her part, but it's just something you have to accept.
#63
All women are nuts. All men are children.
Michael Largey 5 months ago
All generalizations are false. (Yes, including this one, Russell Paradox fans.)
What do you think ?
Saint_Zipcodus 5 months ago
To me, only a few things on this list seem to be *modern* problems.
Power puff scientist 5 months ago
many of these also apply to normal dating and dating "in the old days", not just modern dating. but dating apps are a save and easy way to get to know people without needing to go out all the time and find ways to meet people. that's exhausting, and you hear a lot of times as well women don't like to get approached in public, so there is that as well.
Apatheist Account2 5 months ago
I'm sure there are a lot of miscreants on these sites, and many people that one might personally find unattractive, but I'm equally sure that the vast majority that sign up are genuinely looking for relationships with the right people. Depending on the source, Tinder has approximately 50 or 60 million monthly active users. The app has also been downloaded over 630 million times and has facilitated over 100 billion matches. Not sure about that last figure from a population of 8 billion, but still - they can't all be nutters.
Lyoness 5 months ago
I like your optimism. I just wish more people's experiences were positive, because it seems like all you ever read about are the disasters.
Load More Replies... Saint_Zipcodus 5 months ago
To me, only a few things on this list seem to be *modern* problems.
Power puff scientist 5 months ago
many of these also apply to normal dating and dating "in the old days", not just modern dating. but dating apps are a save and easy way to get to know people without needing to go out all the time and find ways to meet people. that's exhausting, and you hear a lot of times as well women don't like to get approached in public, so there is that as well.
Apatheist Account2 5 months ago
I'm sure there are a lot of miscreants on these sites, and many people that one might personally find unattractive, but I'm equally sure that the vast majority that sign up are genuinely looking for relationships with the right people. Depending on the source, Tinder has approximately 50 or 60 million monthly active users. The app has also been downloaded over 630 million times and has facilitated over 100 billion matches. Not sure about that last figure from a population of 8 billion, but still - they can't all be nutters.
Lyoness 5 months ago
I like your optimism. I just wish more people's experiences were positive, because it seems like all you ever read about are the disasters.
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